unsent letters (part 3)

Dear Craig -

I have known this letter needed to be written for a long time, perhaps since laying on of hands. It's been quite a while since I knew we were on very different vibrational planes (weightless, the truth shall set you free, and walking tree ... new or old roots) but truth be told, I had hope that like James and Helen of Sliding Doors (22), our paths would converge regardless of the choices we had made over the years.

A recent encounter (synchronicity (part 3)) had me, very unexpectedly, believe in the magic that you first had shown me was possible (11:11 (part 6)), choosing to believe that my grandmother's spirit had a hand in it (in loving memory). The empath from 22 helped me be compassionate with myself, understanding that there is divine timing in unions, which led me down the path of twin flames, guiding me to focus more on working on my self and my healing journey.

As I no longer believe in coincidences (11:11 (part 1)), I do find it ironic that I will soon be making your childhood home, my home, and just as ironic, where my oocyte cryopreservation resides (resfeber). I thank you for fulfilling a soul contract with me. I will never quite know who I was to you nor the impact I may or may not have had in your life, but while the words were never exchanged, you were pivotal in me learning about the depths of love ... loving another soul unconditionally and loving my self. Rarely hearing those words as a child, if at all, it is my wish not to hold back from it with anyone with shoshin as a testament. I do not know if you have ever received the random key in an otherwise empty envelope, but it is to the lock 'tlc' on a small bridge in Machu Picchu (bubble of bliss).

While it has only been about a handful of times over the last 20 years, I am very thankful for the first in Bangkok where I learned that I could be comfortable with touch and a weekend that seemed to fly in Koh Samui (face of a girl (part 3) and bubble of bliss) where I was able to truly discover my body under your kind ministrations. What I had thought could only be achieved with connection with you, I have learned during my sexploration that it was connection with my self. You represented someone I could trust, relax and feel confident in myself with until I was able to learn that for my self.

You somehow always magically showed up when I needed to be grounded and to believe in magic again. For that, I am truly grateful. 

I see so many attributes of you in synchronicity (part 3), and unlike what happened with you, I am learning not to attach that to an individual but to believe that the universe has imagined it even better than I have. I know we have shared many lifetimes together and will share many more to come. Hopefully, I have been or will have been the catalyst in your journey(s) like you have been for me in this life.

You appeal to me in countless ways and I'm going to draw the essence of you to me and thank you for being here for me to observe, for me to sniff out vibrationally, for me to think about and dream about and visualize around. Thank you for being a focal point that I will use to align my energy and then I trust that Law of Attraction will bring me an exact replica of which I believe you are.

While the empath helped guide me to follow the path of self healing, I'm learning that there isn't really a 'right person at the wrong time', not in the literal sense, as we're constantly evolving, hopefully, and who you or I are today are vastly different than who we were when we first met in Seville.

I saw this on Instagram today (after starting this letter, reinforcing that this is the right time for me to write it):

"Right person, wrong time. Here's the secret to the 'right person, wrong time' paradigm. Let us make no mistake that the universe makes no mistakes. The universe literally sent us that individual as a gift. The universe manifested and materialized an individual, in true human form, that matched and resonated with our heart's goal at the particular point in time and space that it was meant to take place. And the truth that is revealed ... that was exactly the lesson that we needed at that particular time in our lives. So the secret to the 'right person, the right time' is that when we really want the true love that we genuinely want in our lives to manifest, the truth is, once we've healed, true love will be revealed. Cheers!"

~ @coach__adam 

You were always the right person at the right time. You have been an amazing, inspiring, kind and gentle gift. You are the primary person with whom I have not shared blog posts that I have made reference to. Maybe one day ... when the time is right. I hope that if I so pass first, that someone in my circle will chance upon this and share it with you.

I wish you all the happiness and love. I love you!

💖

Sources: boot scoot'n & takin' flight, me love you long time (part 3), in loving memory, werd up!, anisoptera papilionoidea, beach angel, the road less traveled, cougartown, ftale, ignorance is bliss, moments that matter (part 2), 11:11 (part 1), 22, walking tree ... new or old roots?, moments that matter (part 3), 11:11 (part 2), full circle (part 1), 11:11 (part 3), trifecta, 11:11 (part 4), stone skipping (part 3), the girl with the dragon tattoo, 11:11 (part 5), full circle (part 2), face of the girl (part 1), 11:11 (part 6), face of the girl (part 3), hide n' seek, full circle (part 5), bubble of bliss, chain smoking, full circle (part 8), surprising inspiration, 11:11 (part 9), naming names, modern love, blossoming, weightless, in the NOW, saudade (part 6), synchronicity (part 2), and self-love.

shoshin

After her death (heart beats), her parents had gifted me her stash, mostly consisting of spacer beads, tassels and cord/thread. I had planned on making her parents malas for their ceremony the following spring to spread her ashes with her grandparents, but despite initially watching a number of YouTube videos to learn the art of making malas and purchasing beads with their favorite colors, I couldn't get inspired and so the deliveries remained in their unpacked boxes, much like the lingerie purchases from Agent Provocateur (synchronicity (part 3)). 

Although I had enjoyed tapping into my creativity in designing the malas, it was a part of a process to closing a chapter (resfeber), with not a lot of thought into the gemstones other than the favorite colors of the recipient(s). As I started learning the various meanings behind the number 108, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole that inspired me to truly channel my creativity ... and love.

Source: www.gaia.com

While some argue that malas have been appropriated in Western culture as chic fashion statements, many who use it in spiritual practice welcome the inclusivity, encouraging others to establish an intent or motivation, even if it is the joy that the mala brings to the wearer. My research led me to more natural elements, which are usually seen in malas used by monks, and/or gemstones sourced in parts of Asia.

The momentum of synchronicity (part 3) made it easy to stay in joy as careful thought was put into the types of materials and their sourcing, and the related meaning and intent of each. Similar to synchronicity (part 2), I felt the energy shift, and although it was accompanied with an excuse, I am continuing to practice being aligned with my self (stone skipping (part 13)). Rather than dwell on it, I knew there was a part of the story that I did not have clarity on that was not a reflection of me (a remnant of supernova and  synchronicity (part 2), right down to the ghosting) and how I was showing up, and promised to complete my labor of love, only sitting before it when I was filled with positive energy and love.

Knowing that the excuse did not tell the whole story, one of my last communications was 'follow your bliss', feeling what the polyamorists call 'compersion' (spiritual masters) and what the Dutch call 'gunnen'. Recruiting a friend in London to confirm a work address led to a few dead ends. While he was having fun chasing down a 'ghost' for my 'surprise' adventure, I was starting to feel uneasy letting him and his assistant continue their detective work, not wanting to uncover anything that should be told to me by the source himself.

I made the choice to ruin my own surprise, and the initial terse response confirmed the messages that my Higher Self had shown me through Archangel Guidance. After meditating, I knew I needed to complete the passion project as I sat in front of it. After two separate stints of explaining the 'dead ends' with the air of a caged animal, I realized that none of it mattered as it didn't explain what my heart was looking for ... the energy shift. 

"17. Defenses are the plans you undertake to make against the truth. Their aim is to select what you approve, and disregard what you consider incompatible with your beliefs of reality. Yet what remains is meaningless indeed. For it is your reality that is the 'threat' which your defenses would attack, obscure, and take apart and crucify."

 ~ ACIM - Lesson 135 

"2. ... You make what you defend against, and by your own defense against it is it real and inescapable...

3. It seems to be the enemy without that you attack. Yet your defense sets up an enemy within; an alien thought at war with you, depriving you of peace, splitting your mind into two camps which seem wholly irreconcilable. For love now has an 'enemy,' an opposite; and fear, the alien, now needs your defense against the threat of what you really are."

~ ACIM - Lesson 170

I was slightly surprised that my reaction was to ruin my own surprise over uncovering truths, given my penchant to find answers, especially when one's behavior does not align with my past interactions with them. Perhaps it was my maturity and/or my growth from past experiences (full circle (part 1), calming the mind and synchronicity (part 2)) that I know that patience tends to provide the answers that I (or they) need to heal (moments that matter (part 2), the truth shall set you free, standing taller, and synchronicity (part 2)), and obsessively searching for answers only added negative vibrations to attracting more of those experiences for me.

I know that there are many parts of what I saw that I love (synchronicity (part 3)), including his stories of how he tries to treat others with kindness (blossoming), yet the reflection that was mirrored back made me realize that I still had work to do if I was still attracting unkindness to myself. I had compassion for myself and allowed me a moment to feel the sadness and frustration at the reflection, recognizing that this may also be a delayed vibration, giving me an opportunity to react differently (saudade (part 4)).

It is beautiful in its simplicity. Looking at it warms my heart - my most thoughtful creation and gift to date. With the symbolisms of Tibetan and Buddhist numbers and numerology of the masculine and feminine coupled with the intents and healing auras and aromas of Rudraksha, dark red rosewood, dragon bloodwood red agathis alba, orange sandalwood, Australian sandalwood, thuja sutchuenensis, and rose quartz, cleansed and powered by the light of the Sun and the Pink Full Moon (supported by my spirit animal, dragonfly), infused with the vibrations of 1111 Hz handpan sounds by Malte Marten and chants of Ohm with each knot, and protected by the red sandalwood dragon guru (year of the wood dragon) and Ohm imprinted markers, the mala is a creation of pure love and kindness, embodying my belief in the magic that exists in the partnership created in the mind of a little girl in surprising inspiration. 

Much like in triggering, as I was putting the finishing touches at the mouth of the dragon, my body experienced a knowing - a déja vu, recalling a faint dream that made no sense at the time as the colors and lines vividly completed the vision, resulting in a Duchenne smile emanating from my face, as I gently touched the dragon to bless it with love and kindness.

Knowing my penchant for silliness and surprises, my friend across the pond readily jumped at a Friday mystery. Of course, after I had aborted his plans for the detective work to continue in the following week, his curiosity further stoked by the numerous 'dead ends', I knew I owed him a story as he was at his local pub having a few stiff ones for us.

"That's awesome - send it to him regardless. No regrets! He'd be so lucky! X (kiss)

And hey - the worst thing that happened was that you had a bit of an adventure and you got to say hi to me after all these years! Say hi to the Bergners from me! Such great memories"

And like my knowing that it was the right thing to do to send my friend's octopus mala (heart beats) back to her family for not only her ceremony but for as long as her mother needed to hold onto her daughter's last uncompleted creation, I knew that the dragon mala only had one home.

"1. No one can give what he has not received. To give a thing requires first you have it in your own possession. Here the laws of Heaven and the world agree. But here they also separate. The world believes that to possess a thing, it must be kept. Salvation teaches otherwise. To give is how to recognize you have received. It is the proof that what you have is yours.

2. You understand that you are healed when you give healing. You accept forgiveness as accomplished in yourself when you forgive. You recognize your brother as yourself, and thus do you perceive that you are whole. There is no miracle you cannot give, for all are given you. Receive them now by opening the storehouse of your mind where they are laid, and giving them away."

~ACIM - Lesson 108

* * * * *

Update May 6, 2024:

The last remaining materials arrived from Asia today. As this was for his travels, primarily for business, the intentions and symbolisms behind the hand mala (with thuja sutchuenensis, red agate, Indonesian agathis alba kingwood, tiger eye, Mexican golden rosewood, moonstone, rose quartz and weathered Bodhi seed) were centered around financial success, courage, confidence, mental acuity (including calmness and health, such as improvements in sleep, digestion and jet lag) and protection. The white lotus guru represents growth and power ... pushing up through the muddy waters to emerge beautifully above the surface.

Ironically, a friend is currently visiting Switzerland with his Japanese girlfriend. They have been in a long-distance relationship for over a year, often taking opportunities to meet each other somewhere in between and explore foreign lands. One of his recent stories looked similar to Lakes Brienz and Lungern in CLoY (saudade (part 1)), a reminder of how paths can cross without connection until we're vibrationally matched, a similar theme from Sliding Doors (22), delayed by a missed train (heart beats).

"Sometimes the wrong train takes you to the right station."

~ Indian proverb

Coupled with the déja vu from above, the completion of the hand mala at 11:11 pm were cues that I was at least headed towards the right station. It will feel much lighter when I put this in the post tomorrow.

"By grace I live. By grace I am released.
By grace I give. By grace I will release."

~ ACIM - Lesson 169

resfeber

The Sagittarius moon has always infused me with a wanderlust bug. Whether for work or personal, the preparation before a trip is second nature to me, packing right before transportation to the airport, arriving minutes (if not, seconds) before they shut down check-in - rushing but not stressing over potentially missing any flight ... 'there's always another' seems to be my motto (100 days). It is not often that I experience resfeber. 

Art by Carl Paoli

Art by Carl Paoli

CoVID had put a pause on my plans for the next chapter that now appears to be meant to be left unwritten (laying on of hands and synchronicity (part 3)). baby girl was the first time I truly felt the calling to be more grounded (saudade (part 2)). As I focused on being the best puppy mom that I could be over the last months, something unexpected occurred. Akin to a months-long meditative state, I experienced the love and loyalty developed between mistress and pup. A residual connection from the aftermath of synchronicity (part 2) seemed a possibility of laying on of hands on paper that did not translate as well, missing a connection that seemed force. Dabbling in Hinge, even with more purposeful intentions, reiterated the disconnect. Perhaps it was the email noting that the one that I felt most connected was removed for fraudulent activity. 

The universe was clearly guiding me elsewhere, some expected and some unexpected (synchronicity (part 3)). Since close, it's been exciting to channel creativity, bouncing ideas off of each other, as a community taking part in making a clean canvas a loving home, full of colors and vibrancy. A stranger from Instagram who had previously gifted me with some of his creations was kind to share more of his gifts that he felt had more depth for the space, dropping off a tube of varying art pieces in the mail with the destination of Cary, becoming my first package.

A commitment I had made in honor of heart beats had my procrastination kick in for months, despite watching numerous YouTube videos and investing in varying gemstones. As I sat before the colorful gems and bead design board, I knew completing this task was the close of a chapter that I would never re-read again. It was far from perfect - with some knots that had me practice the art of 'letting go' and 'patience' in the creation itself. In the imperfection is love and intention, and because of the heart in it, it became perfection.

"The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away."

~ Pablo Picasso

While Picasso donated almost a thousand works of art to a museum in Barcelona, he had created almost 50,000 pieces during his lifetime. However, Vincent van Gogh, speculated to have only sold one of his pieces, had given away the rest, mostly to pay for room, board and supplies. The chi flowing through the now-empty rooms in Cary, designated with visioning boards, has inspired others to want to paint an original for the space and/or dust off the cobwebs of earlier creations looking for a new home to be loved.

"This is a world that is based on vibrations. And that's confusing to many of our human physical darling friends because you have become so good at interpreting vibrations that you don't even know you're doing it. You interpret vibrations with your eyes so you see. You interpret vibrations with your ears so you hear. You interpret vibrations with your nose so you smell, with your fingers so you feel, with your tongue so you taste. You are veritable vibrational interpreters. 

And the most significant, we're not kidding you, more important even than sight or sound...the most significant translating that you do is with your solar plexus. It's your energy center. It's your emotional center. The emotions that you feel are giving you feedback on your vibrational countenance and that's a very important thing to be aware of because your vibrational countenance equals your point of attraction, and your point of attractions equals your life. It equals every moment of your life. The mix of vibrations within you is what life is."

~ Abraham Hicks

I have been shown the importance of vibrations from my 5-MEO-DMT (blast off), LSD (violet goddess) and QHHT (leap of faith) experiences. Rather than showing me any past or future lives, my Higher Self only showed my energy and vibrations, a reminder of where we start and end.

Since synchronicity (part 3), I have had this stirring in my belly. Kundalini awakening? Excitement of curating community and home? Tapping into creative outlets? Alignment with a life-long manifestation (self-love)? A mixture of all the above and then some? All I know is that it feels so good. I catch myself with a smile on my face for no specific reason. I'm beginning to see that the love that I had been seeking my whole life is here. Perhaps it has always been here but the walls I erected prevented me from 'feeling' it. 

My life purpose was not only to "experience" (synchronicity (part 2)) nor was it to "embody love" - rather it was to be love, and give it away, thereby being loved in return.

"as she let go of adventures
not meant for her, 

she was brought new ones
aligned with her magic."

~ spirit daughter