surrendering to the unknown

I stand at the edge of a vast ocean, it ripples gently today as if swaying to an under-water breeze. The sea is clear and I can see its floor from where I stand which gradually disappears as the water deepens.

Is this great sea love? A poem without words about the huge, uninterrupted love of The Beloved? If so, I am a tiny ameba held within its vastness, small and yet not insignificant. The ocean knows me, of this I am sure.

I walk in tentatively as I acclimatise to the feel of cold water upon my skin. The water rises with each step until I am at the precipice of decision. I can return and walk back to shore or allow my feet to become ungrounded. In this moment, I am aware that this decision could take me into places of unknowing, places that will continually invite me to trust, to be with what I don't understand and yield to mystery. I lift my feet, I have chosen, I have given myself to this vast ocean of love and there is no turning back.

Imperceptibly at first I notice a current beneath. I feel gentle movement around my legs. My head is still above water and I notice that I am carried, that I am pulled outwards - towards the depths and away from the land. My heart notices too as it's [sic] beats get stronger and more palpable. I notice places of fear within, of a desire to be in control, to get back to where I can stand. I try to return but the current is strong. Slowly I adapt to its pull and allow myself to go with what is, to surrender and let the water take me.

I have a sense of what's coming next but that it won't happen without my permission. The invitation doesn't come with the clarity of words and yet I know it exists. Can I say yes? Can I say yes and yield to the complete unknown? Can I trust the water to look after me? I don't know how much time passes but eventually a quiet yes forms within my being. I'm not even sure how it gets there but it's present none-the-less.

At the same time that I become aware of the yes, I catch a glimpse of the distant land one more time before I am gently engulfed by the ocean. I am under it now, fully enveloped. I panic again, I can't breathe, I want to see the land and its familiar landmarks, I want the ground beneath me, I want what I want. I struggle to get back to the surface whilst simultaneously falling down, down, down. I realise that I can choose to return to the top of the water but I also know that in letting go something MORE is on offer, something I can't name, something deep, more true and real than I've yet encountered. I notice peace has come as a gift and it enables me to let go and let be what is. I'm given the gift to surrender once again.

I gradually, though not knowing how, stop thrashing and kicking and become still. Although I'm full of fear, I open my mouth and take a breath inwards. Instead of my lungs filling with water, I breathe in what I can only name as oxygen. I am accustomed to breathing under water.

I'm now able to be more present to where I am and what it feels like to be here. I'm suspended in liquid, a kind of water in which I move slowly as if in dance. I'm still falling but the descent is slow. The water seems to join me in my movement, it seems to know me and respond to my very heartbeat. My mind doesn't make sense of this and yet somewhere deeper within me knows that I'm perfectly held and safe. I notice that I'm naked and yet I don't feel exposed, my nakedness reminds me that I'm completely seen with no part of me hidden, even the parts I may normally want to hide. In this seeing I feel no shame, I know only that I'm celebrated, loved and held in a compassionate gaze.

As I slowly fall, the light becomes dimmer. Darkness is the companion here. I begin to loose [sic] a sense of what is up and down, my only awareness of this comes from the gentle falling. At first I'm not sure I like this growing darkness, I don't know what is within it, my eyes become unnecessary. In not seeing I'm less able to control, mark my path or observe my descent. The only choices are to try and fight the darkness by attempting to swim upwards or to give in once more to what is and trust that I continue to be held. At first I don't like the not-seeing the lack of control but as surrender comes I become accustomed to the ever-growing darkness and relax into it. I notice that the dark becomes a friend, a comfort and a place of not-knowing. The not-knowing invites me to become a friend of mystery and to trust ever more in the vastness of this ocean of love that touches every part of my body and soul.

The further I fall and the more the darkness deepens, I notice that I'm not alone, my eyes once more offered the gift of seeing. Strange and beautiful creatures come my way, throbbing with light, energy and indescribable colours. These creatures of the deep offer me hope, comfort and incredible beauty. They stir me to want to keep going downwards, to keep discovering the gifts of the deep. I notice too that I'm able to see more clearly but in a new way. I discover a knowing within me that can trust, that does feel utterly safe even in this unknown, unfamiliar place. A knowing that exists next to the unknowing and is at peace in doing so. I am confident of love, in the vast kindness of this place and that slowly becomes enough. I lessen my need to control, to plan, to know how this whole thing is going to work out. My home is love and love will carry me wherever I need to go.

I don't know if this darkness will end or whether I will always be descending to deeper depths. I don't know whether I even need or want the bright lights that once illumined my path. There is a safe hiddenness here, there is hope even in not seeing. Darkness has become a friend that offers great treasure. Love sustains me and love will remain with me. I surrender once again to the ocean, to continue to fall like a pebble into the mystery of great unknowing.

~ Nicky Temple, Meditation 

* * * * * 

He had me doubting my experience and subsequent learnings, with faint yet detectable laughter at my reflections. I extended myself and exposed my vulnerability, believing that there would be a friendly and nurturing embrace on the other side of that risk, only to be ghosted into a slow fade.

Perhaps the 'authentic connection' was anything but, yet chancing upon, or being guided to, this meditation today, I am reminded, along with my new scar/tattoo, that I am choosing to surrender into the depths of the mystery and unknowing, reconnecting with an old manifestation of unconditional love, and breaking the pattern of surrounding myself with those who have me questioning my "Jonathan Livingston Seagull," not valuing my courage in my vulnerability and my inner child, and making me feel less than.

* * * * *

Update ~ midnight:

A moment of synchronicity tonight had a random message from a ex asking me if I remembered our first date...only to end with "Just wanted to say, I was thinking of you". And just like that, the universe provides and I allowed myself to lean into the nurturing I had denied before, much like hide 'n seek.

blossoming

I really want to be my true self...free, uninhibited, and perhaps even dirty. I'd like to live as who I am. What should I do?

There is a scene in The Naked Director where Megumi is asked why she wants to be in an adult video. It is followed up with what she would like a man to do to her.

First to make me feel safe. Then to hold me...Tighter.

And before anything should continue, she stops, stands up tall, partially disrobes and raising her arms, glorifying in her natural splendor, declares:

Please look at me...This is who I am! 

~ Megumi Sahara, The Naked Director

Raised by a mother who projected all her fears onto the young Megumi, she struggled with the confounds placed on a woman, especially in Japanese society. The financial freedom seemed to have allowed her to cut some of those ties that bound her. However, I have found that the financial freedom also becomes its own bindings in a society that still believes in masculine vs. feminine roles and attributes (man in the mirror and the unboxing). I sometimes catch myself being ashamed of my success and wealth, for its limitations on how others judge or perceive me.

A recent spontaneous opportunity had me exploring full circle (part 9) in its full regalia, with the complexity of the layers from man in the mirror. Of course, I initially welcomed it believing that it was a simple lesson in receiving and a delayed annual birthday trip since full circle (part 6), totally forgetting touchpoint as a recurring theme. The adventure left me with a lot to unpack, ensuring that I was bedridden to allow me to prioritize self-care and reflection.

While it allowed my parents to exhibit their love (standing taller), the first break in my bones taught me that constantly repairing what is in front of us may oftentimes be the longer journey than getting rid of the old and what we know, and embracing the new and being comfortable with the uncomfortable. This wasn't a lesson of receiving but a reminder of an old manifestation that in a decades-long rebellious streak left me venturing on a different path (22), seeking the unconventional without staying true to what kept me alive when I had wanted to disappear (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123) and full circle (part 8)).

We shared stories, had intellectual (and at times, spiritual) conversations (something I find I have deeply missed during my time in the Bay, yet ironically, he's from the Bay), laughed, and were vulnerable with acceptance, and in a simple gesture to strangers at the beach (another flashback to a wish from a prayer - bubble of bliss), what I thought would be a simple lesson in receiving had me looking up at a tall mountain that stood before me as the next adventure to conquer and relish in. I felt a bit of excitement (as I had been itching for the next chapter in my life that I had thought would lead me to Eastern cultures), coupled with some apprehension with the simple synchronicities that sometimes seemed too aligned to be true. 

Perchance, the next chapter is closer to the heart rather than far-off shores. As I am understanding that each of my relationships is a mirroring of a part of me for me to learn more about myself (rippling reflections), the reflection that I saw in that simple gesture to strangers caused me to catch my breath at whom I was seeing from within, followed by a gentle smile and burst of nothing other than what can be described as unadulterated love, in its simplicity and pureness. It has dawned on me in writing this that similar to my surprise at my love languages (modern love and full circle (part 9)), what I have tried so hard to overcome to survive from a 'lack of' turns out to be what my soul needs the most to flourish (11:11 (part 10)).

Thoughts of the raven/masculine energy that has been my source of self-protection (bubble of bliss and leap of faith) has me thinking that perhaps my pendulum has swung too far in the quest for freedom and liberation that I forwent the teachings of Taoism and balance. Alfred Adler's concept of organ inferiority focuses on how the body adapts and compensates for physical deficiencies, at times causing our other senses to strengthen. In a relatively short time, my left leg and arms have had to flex its muscles, and my head has been dealt a few bumps (more like a bruised ego in my stubborn insistence in maneuvering this setback alone). Adler notes though that the compensation can be taken to extremes, resulting in overcompensation, more so based on one's psyche rather than the body's adaptive system.

When discussing shibaru and the intricacy of my orgasms, it seemed natural for me to understand that the bindings and the grounding are what brings me back into a cocoon of safety and nurturing. As Megumi highlighted, having someone hold onto us tightly empowers us to drop the walls that held us up so that we can relax into ourselves, as she visibly let her body find comfort in Toru Muranishi's embrace. In her giving in, his entire being shifted and his nurturing side took over, where she relaxed into being taken care of and his ministrations.

Of course, my podiatrist said that it was a complicated fracture that can be fixed with a simple procedure. I have learned part of the lesson in its physical form but the next chapter seems anything but simple albeit rather rewarding and intoxicating. In what seemed like an obscure reference at first, Megumi and Toru appear to be creating their own "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" paths when they chanced upon each other. 

As is the case with soulmates, perhaps their/our paths will continue to cross, melding at times, but full of adrenaline rushes nonetheless. In a combination of old and new manifestations, it is interesting that I noted my attraction to Mars in Scorpio (or Aquarius) in face of the girl (part 1). As with the three of swords, I am reminded that I am where I need to be, and with the fracture in the fifth metatarsal, I am having to learn patience in the healing required, hopefully coming out as the bionic woman (or at least foot) on the other side, and reconnecting or rather re-defining my 'style of life', as Adler dubs it.