This post is specifically dedicated to my first cousin, once removed, who still struggles with 'voices' from her deceased mother haunting her about her looks and 'slut shaming' from childhood. A friend once told me when I started blogging again that perhaps someone would chance upon my musings, and it may help someone who may be going through similar struggles at some point in his/her life.
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We all have some form of childhood demons, and an inner child that continues to plague us in adulthood. It is very easy with social media today to pretend to be someone we are not, and have others think the grass is greener in someone else's life. In the Asian community, 'saving face' makes perception reality when it is really anything but. Families spend countless time and energy to hide 'disgraces' and skeletons for generations, often sending their children to live with distant 'relatives'.
My siblings are both doctors - one married another doctor and the other opened up his own family practice which his wife manages. I am a partner in a global consulting firm, and successful in my own right. They both have M.D.'s (clearly), and I have an M.B.A. from a prestigious Ivy League university. On paper, our family has been used by many families that are family, friends and acquaintances of my parents as role models of what their children should strive to be.
I always hated this type of comparison growing up, even as first generation immigrants with not many older than me to compare. I used to share a number of my accomplishments with my parents (partly in my efforts to find some semblance of something that they would latch onto to be proud of me) until I realized they were using it to boast, and not necessarily out of happiness for my accomplishments (see me love you long time (part 3) and minority of minorities), but to make others feel worse about their situations. It took many lengthy discussions for them to realize that my silence was not from a lack of wanting to share but from the lack of desire to contribute to it being used to make some other child feel 'unworthy'.
To this day, even my uncle and aunt would continuously 'pressure' their children to follow in our footsteps, not realizing that my sister took two years off in between undergraduate and medical school because she could not separate her dreams from my parents' wishes or that I picked a major out of rebellion without any particular goal in mind and much of my life has been based on luck or divine intervention (i.e., my guardian angels). I could have easily been dead, in prison and/or have five children out of wedlock out of such rebellion.
Perhaps only a handful know though that at the age of 13, I seriously contemplated suicide. That may not be the lowest period of my life, but it was also at a point where I did not have the inner strength to will myself to any other option. In my cowardliness though, I could not decide on the method. My pain tolerance or lack thereof had me too chicken to slit wrists or hang from the closet (eh, I think our closet rods were rather low as well). Other than aspirin, our household was relatively free of any strong prescription drugs, as well as guns. My only outlet at the time turned out to be religion, which seemed to frighten me from being condemned to hell for suicides (something I no longer believe). That, perhaps, saved me enough to feel part of something, until my mid-20s, when I could gather up the inner strength to work on me (see moments that matter (part 3)). My 20s was also the time when I hit major depression that became a downward spiral that was very difficult to get out.
During that period, I held onto a quote from Lady Jane, which is the inspiration for the blog name, that seemed to remind me that there is something better and beyond our experiences on Earth:
"The soul takes flight to the world that is invisible but there arriving she is sure of bliss and forever dwells in paradise."
Plato
The grass is never greener on the other side...it is green where we water and fertilize it. I have been blessed with some really great friends since college who nurtured me and held onto me when I really just wanted to fly away and disappear. I no longer believe in coincidences in life. Things do eventually happen for a reason, including teaching us to make better decisions as part of 'free will'. We all take the journey we are meant to take, some longer than others (22). We are ultimately responsible for creating our own happiness. Living out someone else's dreams only serves to delay ours, even if it takes another lifetime to complete.
You, I, we...are not alone in this journey. Like I discovered in to err is human, to forgive, divine, if you are reading this and it helps you in your journey, it is not by chance. Find that inner child and give him/her a big bear hug. I am still looking to hold onto mine...for good this time (and never let her go) (a picture is worth a thousand words, hug it out, and full circle (part 1)), as I relay to her that I love the woman that she's become and it is safe to come home.
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