(wo)man in the mirror

I was first introduced to Carl Jung in Spring 1990 when I took Modern Spiritual Masters at university. While I received a B, I will have to admit that I did not retain much from that course. I was just coming from a highly religious period in my life (to err is human, to forgive, divine and code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)), and was reconciling that Judaism and not accepting Jesus as one's personal savior did not equate to damnation and hell, so was not in the mindset to be receptive of new age concepts.

Over the years, I seem to have developed this innate ability to have people, including strangers, open up and disclose personal things that they do not often freely discuss. Part of it is because my curiosity of learning how people tick causes me to ask probing questions that many somehow feel are inappropriate to 'intrude' and therefore, do not ask themselves. Part is because as I have been told, I come off non-judgmental and sometimes openly communicate my life experiences in an unfiltered way. That environment often encourages people to be vulnerable.

So during this period that I am facing my fears and intentionally walking into darkness, it was interesting to cross paths with Jung again. In general, I have learned to love my jiggly parts (unanswered prayers) and have embraced the perceived shortcomings of my personality over the years. As I have told my mentees, anyone can turn a negative to a positive and vice versa depending on agenda or perspective. My penchant to get bored easily and constant desire to do something new and challenging in my professional career was viewed by me as being flighty and noncommittal; however, those in leadership had viewed this same characteristic as a strength in my ability to learn something new in a very short time frame and be successful, thereby reinventing myself and adapting to market changes.

I have always procrastinated (100 days). While my friends and family have learned to adjust, this same trait also allows me to be adaptable to changes and enjoy unplanned moments in life. Recognizing this long ago has also forced me to be patient with others who are the same. In treating people as I would like to be treated, the concept also works in the reverse to be accepting of others for things I do myself (full circle (part 2)). I have also learned that it is more important to treat people as they would want to be treated, which may not be the same as I would want to be treated. Similar to David Bowie's life experience (full circle (part 8)), Jung delved into his own troubling mind to discover that we have to learn to accept our own darkness before we can attempt to help others, either on an individual or global level.

As Alan Watts noted, "[Jung] would not condemn the things in others and would therefore not be lead into those thoughts, feelings, and acts of violence towards others which are always characteristic of the people who project the devil in themselves upon the outside – upon somebody else – upon the scapegoat." Psychological dissonance is when we project our shadow onto others, refuse to take ownership of ourselves, distancing ourselves from ourselves, and thereby, losing ourselves in the process - allowing neurosis to take over our psyche.

Jung introduced 'unprejudiced objectivity' in a lecture to clergymen. His view is that only when we accept our fears, shame, guilt and judgment that we can see others for who they truly are. Otherwise, we would naturally avoid parts of others that remind us of these parts of ourselves. Without this acceptance of ourselves, genuine compassion and authentic connection would be a challenge as one is about being in someone else's shoes and the other about acceptance of the whole person.

"...Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses. I am the oppressor of the person I condemn, not his friend and fellow-sufferer. I do not in the least mean to say that we must never pass judgment when we desire to help and improve. But if the doctor wishes to help a human being he must be able to accept him as he is. And he can do this in reality only when he has already seen and accepted himself as he is.

Perhaps this sounds very simple, but simple things are always the most difficult. In actual life it requires the greatest art to be simple, and so acceptance of oneself is the essence of the moral problem and the acid test of one’s whole outlook on life...

But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all beggars, the most impudent of all offenders, yeah, the very fiend himself, that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I myself am the enemy who must be loved. What then?...

Anyone...will admit that to accept himself in all his wretchedness is the hardest of tasks, and one which it is almost impossible to fulfill.

The very thought can make us sweat with fear. We are therefore only too delighted to choose, without a moment’s hesitation, the complicated course of remaining in ignorance about ourselves while busying ourselves with other people and their troubles and sins. This activity lends us a perceptible air of virtue, by means of which we benevolently deceive ourselves and others... 

...Only he who has fully accepted himself has 'unprejudiced objectivity'.”

~ Carl Jung

When I realized the mirroring that was occurring in full circle (part 2), I became more conscious and aware of moments where I would catch myself internally 'judging' others, mostly fleeting thoughts creeping from random strangers. I started to allow myself to 'sit' in that feeling to understand where that negative space was coming from, similar to reclaiming the cunt (part 3), and either learn/grow from where I may be projecting my own lack of self love and/or not be ashamed for such feelings and thoughts.

One of the people from when it rains, it pours that recently contacted me was someone who fell in love with me and professed to be polyamorous, yet could not take responsibility for her own decisions when her partner gave her an ultimatum, so instead created lies and went as far as to ask me to treat her like 'shit' so that she could justify her decision. At the time, I had told her that I would not give her the satisfaction to justify that the world is 'cruel' to allow her to 'play victim' within her bipolar mentality. However, and as I recently communicated to her, her 'altered reality' to blame others for her own actions in life, including her continuing belief in her lies, is not a person who takes ownership of herself nor whom I would choose to surround myself with.

It is fascinating to finally acquire an appreciation for a modern spiritual master, who in his own way learned to love his darkness and left insights for us to love ourselves, individually and collectively (trifecta; to err is human, to forgive, divine; and stone skipping (part 7)).

Neurosis is an inner cleavage — the state of being at war with oneself. Everything that accentuates this cleavage makes the patient worse, and everything that mitigates it tends to heal him. What drives people to war with themselves is the suspicion or the knowledge that they consist of two persons in opposition to one another. The conflict may be between the sensual and the spiritual man, or between the ego and the shadow. It is what Faust means when he says: “Two souls, alas, dwell in my breast apart.” A neurosis is a splitting of personality.

~ Carl Jung 

* * * * * 

Update June 11, 2017:

The woman who asked me to treat her like 'shit' communicated today that she has been working on individual therapy, and realized that her treatment of others was due to not loving herself. She reached out to finally take responsibility for her actions and apologize. I am happy that she is trying to work through her demons and following suit with others in absolution. I hope she learns to forgive and love herself on her path to happiness.

evermore

I'm the beast!

face of the girl (part 2)

During the Tudor period, women's sole role was procreation. The church dictated much of the laws of sex, primarily under the premise that women are inferior to men as women are susceptible to the devil and dark forces, given the fall of Eve. Women's bodies ran hot so they were constantly desirous of sex and acts of fornication, so marriage and sex within the marriage was a way to control such desires.

Women were forbidden from having sex during lent, advent, feast or fast days, Easter week, Sundays, Wednesdays, Saturdays, menstruation, pregnancy, 40 days after birth and breast feeding. Missionary position was the best way to conceive a male child and any other position would result in deformities. While women could not show pleasure, an orgasm was necessary for conception, at least the Tudors knew more about the female anatomy then some men in taking it all off. Studies have shown that 70-80% of women fake orgasm, and while 95% of their partners reach climax, over 70% of them did not reciprocate in assisting the women to achieve theirs. Only about 15% of women can achieve orgasm from pure vaginal stimulation. Less than 60% of women achieve orgasm most or every time they have sex. Yet 85% of men believe that their partners had orgasms.

my travel and bedside companions

Up to the nineteenth century, female hysteria was considered a medical disorder, which resulted in the invention of the dildo to help ease the symptoms. While there are physiological reasons why some women have difficulties with orgasms, much of the blockage is mental. Even vaginismus is cured with a combination of physical and sex therapy. I recently met a man who considered chemical castration as his girlfriend of 13 years has vaginismus, resulting in them only having sex once. She stopped going to therapy as it made her "uncomfortable".

The taboo of sex, slut-shaming, societal and religious pressures on women to repress their desires and sensuality and body image issues contribute to women's difficulties with orgasms as well as their lack of exploration and willingness to overcome such hurdles. One of my previous roommates only had orgasms twice in her life, and faked it all the other times. She was constantly worried about how she looked and sounded during sex. She also had Catholic guilt which prevented her from trying masturbation to learn more about her body. In their 30s, my cousin and her friend, both divorcees who had only had one lover each, were not sure what orgasms were, which means they never experienced the pleasure. They also did not know how to masturbate.

Sex education classes, when available, teach women about their anatomy but mostly in the sense of menstruation. It was only when I saw the video on male masturbation that looking at the syllabus made me realize that I missed the class on female masturbation in my Human Reproduction & Development course at university (face of the girl (part 1)). Being a voyeur, I definitely felt stirrings down in my nether regions, but it was not until my mid-20s during a business trip out of town, that I decided to put on a porn and explore.

Perhaps because of my late bloom, I had time for self exploration and self confidence so I have been one of the blessed 15% and 60%. The only time that 15% was a challenge, I naturally took matters into my own hands, literally. I believe that like happiness, we are responsible for our own pleasures. Men have no problems finishing off, either on their own or with their partners' assistance, so ladies, faking it serves nobody, as it leaves the women hanging and their partners with a false sense of security in their sexual prowess rather than learning to understand each other bodies as we are all unique in our wiring. 

I usually ask my partner(s) to show me how he masturbates for that reason. We should be the masters of our own bodies, rather than expect others to be, especially if someone feels as if repression via chemical castration is a symbol of love, rather than golden handcuffs. Giving and getting Cliff Notes is a wonderful shortcut to lots of mutual fun. I have found that communication and vulnerability are critical components of exploration and laughter in the physical realm. To tango or to shag; that is the question. 😉

glass slipper

Alice + Olivia has teamed up with Big Brothers Big Sisters of NY, Prep for Prep, and City Year New York for its "Buy a Dress, Give a Dream" campaign from March 6 to 19, culminating in a dress up day on April 8 where the girls get to dress up and take home a gown. Its cocktail dresses retail from $300 to $2,000 so the ladies will have the opportunity to be in some fine threads.

While my mother did not forbid me to attend prom, she refused to fund any prom dress. Although my mother is also a great seamstress as she made many of my earlier suits for work, she also was not keen on lending her talents. However, I was blessed to have a great friend whose kind mother made not only her dress but also mine, allowing me to live a young girl's dream to attend the ball.

We could all just easily make donations for worthy causes, but I love the gamification aspect that encourages others to participate in a collective activism. The American Civil Liberties (ACLU), Planned Parenthood and many other not-for-profits have seen significant spikes in donations, of which more than 50% are first time donors, since the new POTUS was elected.

I did not inherit the creative talents that my sister did (full circle (part 3)), so this was a great opportunity for me to pay it forward, allowing two young ladies to live out the dreams of Cinderella for a night.

stone skipping (part 7)

Sadly, it is not uncommon for men to physically abuse their wives in Vietnam and other Asian/Middle Eastern countries. The mothers also perpetuate this as they coddle their sons. Tradition includes having sons and their families living under the same roof as the sons' parents while the daughters live at home until they are married and can move into their husbands' families' homes, which is why women are also pressured to marry early as "one less mouth to feed" (full circle (part 3)).

However, women are also usually the hard workers and "breadwinners" in the household (me love you long time (part 6)). In a way, the culture breeds "weak men" who are used to being taken care of by mothers or wives, and women are taught that they have no choices, and their "value" is tied to the men they are attached to (face of the girl (part 1)). A man who is "lazy" and emasculates himself in his mind, as well as lack of emotional intelligence, would probably view that his option to balance the scales would be to exert his physical power.

One of my cousins met and married his college crush. They had the same education; however, his wife was more driven and worked diligently to learn English so that she would have opportunities at multinational financial institutions, whereas he was content with working at a local financial institutions, which are protected by the government (including indirect job security based on the culture of pushing people down - stone skipping (part 1)) and offered nap times. The differences in salaries ranges are exponential, ranging from 3-7x more.

As a tribute to her hard work, they were able to afford purchasing their own condo as well as employ a maid/nanny after their son was born. They should have been happy and proud for such accomplishments in a country where people usually cannot afford their own homes and live in communal homes with generations under the same roof. However, his parents resented her and blamed her for no longer having their son under their roof although they still spent every weekend with his family at their home. He would sit back while his parents bullied and chastised her, despite her being the dutiful daughter-in-law in every other aspect including cooking and cleaning for her in-laws over the weekend. He was not the only son, as the older son and his family still lived at their home.

He benefited from her financial success and flaunted the money when he went out with his friends, including purchasing expensive items, perhaps even for other girlfriends (common theme in Vietnam as well - stone skipping (part 5)). When he physically hit her in front of their son and their help, he did not even have any remorse or apology but denied it ever happened. Her friends and family encouraged her to stay with him as it is normal for the husband to hit the wife when it is perceived that she "disobeyed".

Since I was part of his family, she did not initially have the intention to disclose this to me; however, when I found out, I encouraged her to do what she felt was right for herself but also for her son, especially to break the cycle for future generations of men. My support though was unconditional to anything she decided to do. She has an amazing spirit and strength. He did not make it easy as he refused to give her a divorce and also threatened to take their son away from her, even though he had no intention of raising him himself but rather have his mother raise their son. He was also the only man she has ever dated or been with, so being alone is not something that women in Vietnam are taught to do.

His family, of course, tells a different story as to the demise of their relationship. I have made it clear what occurred to relatives in the U.S., and our family continues to support her and opening our homes as she makes trips to U.S. to find opportunities for her and her son in America.

"Sincerely I need to say Thank you for the inspiration you have made to my life and career even though you might have not noticed. I have felt the girl power in you that has made me believe in mine. 😊"

After she sent me this message earlier this week and after visuals of mothers who bring their children to pussy riots and #ADayWithoutAWoman, there seems to be a collective movement of wonderful mothers who represent a whole new generation of women that are helping to break the cycle, nurturing strong individuals who have the balance of both the masculine and feminine attributes. Technically, she is my ex-cousin-in-law; however, she will always be a "sister," and I'm proud of her for bucking the system and having the strength and conviction not to let walls and hurdles from stopping her from achieving her dreams. 

face of the girl (part 1)

In Arabic, the hymen is referred to as 'wish al-bent,' or 'face of the girl'. Without it, you have no identity, you are no one. In the Middle East, it was common to have honor killings as the virginity of a bride belongs to the entire family, and does not even belong to the woman herself. The honor of the family, specifically the men, is held between the legs of the woman. Ironic that the honor of men in such patriarchal societies are tied to a female body part.

In many ways, I have always had some sort of sexual energy around me. My first phone extension in my first full-time job was x6969. The logo at the company was often referred to as a vagina. The topic never made me feel squeamish, but rather, the taboo-ness incited my curiosity. I have memories of my mother stating that it is not enjoyable. In 'talking the talk,' many do not believe that I was a late bloomer (cougartown), and most probably assume that I lost my 'face' as a teenager, probably as soon as I started university, or in my 20s, at the latest. Some find it sad.

However, I have always had the view that it was a blessing for many reasons. I was more comfortable in my own body. I understood more about the female anatomy; my Human Reproduction & Development class junior year in university was handy although I missed the class on female masturbation unfortunately. I found a lover who was a patient teacher and focused on my pleasure.

I have been asked before why I waited so long and my simple response was never finding Mr. Right; however, as I have been researching more about astrology, spirituality and other new age concepts, there may be a lot more at play and exploring these aspects may peel back layers of the onion, so to speak. In this series, I also plan on addressing the taboo of sex and my journey. As noted in reclaiming the cunt (part 3), my open mindedness in experimenting in last few years has some thinking that sex therapist is my calling in life.

A person's sign in Mars represents one's masculine energy or sexuality, as well as for a woman, what she may look for in a mate. Mars in Aquarius is considered the 'sexual liberator,' without the general 'hangups' that others generally have. Emotional conditions and social restrictions hold little meaning, and the abstract approach makes it more natural to freely experiment with sexuality. Sex is usually something that fits into an overall idealism rather than a simple biological function. Because of the ability to compartmentalize, intimacy is sometimes a challenge as sometimes it is correlated to the pettiness of sex and love (such as, jealousy), and the general preference to 'make love, not war' overrides. With the combination of Venus in Virgo, my style is more easygoing, rational and nonjudgmental, driven more by senses rather than ideal. 

However, Mars was in retrograde at my birth so the energy becomes redirected. I am attracted to men that do not match the socially acceptable versions of the ones I 'should' be attracted to. In a way, these men (e.g., significantly younger, bit more blue collar, edgy with tats) would reflect my 'internal rebellion'. This also means though that there may be challenges with expressions of anger, assertion and sexuality, primarily due to fear of punishment as a child or trauma of violence or rape from a past life, but it is intensified energy that is refocused and would need to be channeled elsewhere, usually until 30s when it goes direct and/or person has worked out karma or through the those challenges.

Sometimes, it is really interesting to understand one's astrological chart after the fact. As noted in code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123), I had turned to religion as a teenager. That and the traditional upbringing were initial reasons not to be deflowered, even as one of my close friends in high school got pregnant. My Virgo nature had me also overanalyzing any potential suitors as husband material prior to any date. At the time, I struggled with reconciling someone who looked great on paper vs. my attraction (physical and emotional). Many, including myself, just deemed it 'picky'. There was also a part of me, at that time, though that wondered if my 'excuses' was a protectionist mechanism from possible sexual trauma as a child (moments that matter (part 6)). However, the Mars in retrograde explains my disconnect as part of my nature, rather than nurture.

I also had commitment issues, much of it stemmed from watching my parents' relationship constantly filled with arguments (full circle (part 5)), partly from lack of emotional nurturing (moments that matter (part 4) and full circle (part 3)), and now it seems from nature with Mars in Aquarius. Then again, I also had women in my life that sabotaged any male interest in me and vice versa, perhaps out of jealousy. That, as well as my lack of patience for 'drama,' another trait of Mars in Aquarius, is why most of my friends are men or women with more masculine energy, and results in my comfort around men.

I often look back at the men that I thought I was physically attracted to at that time but not emotionally connected to, and thank the universe (and probably my male spirit - 22) that I never married them as they are definitely not my type today, as I learned more about myself and my desires over the years. The Sagittarius in me was flirtatious but somehow the shy Virgo would take over though when I was interested. Perhaps all of this was to play out the karma from a past life, including my penchant to be assertive and passionate for the underdog, to the point of being labeled aggressive bitch, yet struggled with speaking up for myself whether at work or in personal aspects such as boundaries (full circle (part 2)).

Knowing who they have turned out to be today though, I know I would have felt repressed over time with them. Interestingly, he has a balance of a persona that society would think I 'should' be with; however, what I love about him is his dark side of that rebellious 'bad boy' with his motorcycle and carpentry roots. I also suspect his Mars resides in Aquarius as well or Scorpio. Turns out 'Mr. Right' has a policy against virgins, a good reminder for us to live for ourselves and not because we have a fear of how a potential mate may judge us. Whether I have worked out any past life karma or not, the timing of my sexual discovery has made me feel very liberated in this arena, perhaps that is the part of me that wants to pay it forward and help other women give in to these desires, without society's hangups haunting them.

"When each person is free from their own oppression and their own exploitation, everybody gets freed in the process."

- Anonymous

moments that matter (part 4)

While my parents are great grandparents and often hug my nieces and nephews, acts of affection were alien to me while growing up, whether through hugs, kisses or "I love you". This is not uncommon with Asians and probably stems from a conservative culture that viewed personal contact as inappropriately sexual between genders and within the same gender. Love was displayed in traditions based on honor and loyalty.

However, some Asian countries such as China and Japan are recognizing the need for changing the culture to more Western behaviors, including creating a class on emotional intelligence for elementary students in 2013 with homework requiring children to go home and hug their parents (More Hugs Please, We're Chinese). Hugging has many benefits including bonding people in various forms of relationships. In addition, it releases serotonin and dopamine, increases oxytocin and lowers blood pressure.

When I went to university in the Northeast, I learned that brief hugs were part of greeting each other. It became evident early on that I was unnatural in it, and initially starting off as a joke, my friends would consciously hug me a bit longer than the general protocol just to see me squirm. Eventually, I did learn to hug and accept the physical touch and at times, hugging even a pillow provided some emotional comfort. As a friend once said, you can tell how someone truly feels about you from a hug. However, I was not prepared for the art of cuddling until my time in Vietnam, ironic as it is.

He was my first relationship that was not long distance. While 16 years my junior, he was mature and patient in how he approached life. He had an old soul. He respected the local culture and invested in learning the local language and traditions. I admired him a lot for his immersion.

He loved to cuddle. It became a negotiation item for us, believe it or not. Despite the tropics, his body did not emanate heat as with many others. He taught me what it felt like to feel safe, comforted and connected to the rhythm and sound of heartbeats.

Bella was a pup who guarded her master very lovingly. The first time she witnessed us at play, she was confused as to whether someone needed protection, and who that would be, as she had known me just as long and was loyal to me, at times. She was easy to love, as well as her master.

I used to joke about his birthday being on International Women's Day as he has a wonderful balance of the strong male with empathy to the feminine side - the yin to the yang. I think he attributes his kicking of an addiction to me, but he left me a lifelong lesson that forever has me grateful. Some nights I do miss his cuddles, and for a spell, he provided my soul with a mate.

Happy Birthday!! And Happy International Women's Day to all the lovely ladies...embrace your divine feminine and remember to pay it forward, Girl Power!

full circle (part 2)

Venus started her retrograde on March 4 (shadow period started January 30). I first heard about planets and their retrogrades when Mercury started its retrograde in December. Mercury rules communication and travel so an example would be many travel delays during this period. Given my penchant for missing flights, I had thought it just meant for me to be more mindful of being at the airport early; however, 75%+ of my travel during that period (US, Australia and Singapore) were delayed in some capacity. However, this benefited me when I lost my phones and had to go back to the train station so I would have missed the flight had it not been for it being delayed. It is also noted that retrogrades strongly impact those who are born with the specific planet in retrograde - Mercury and Mars were in retrograde at my birth.

Venus retrograde lasts for about 40 days and nights (perhaps the biblical reference is not coincidental after all). Venus as the goddess of love and war influences the duality of relationships. Retrogrades are periods of 're-'...reflect, reconnecting, re-assess, re-think, revive, reunite, repair and/or restore. Self love, patience and timing are supposedly the keys to success during this period in evaluating what and who we value. It is advised not to act on anything until Venus goes direct again and passes the point of initial retrograde. Venus cycle/orbit traces out a pentagram, of which it hits the same point every 8 years (e.g., Aries/Pisces in 2017 and 2009 or Virgo/Leo in 2015 and 2007). It is noted that one is most likely to experience similar events as 8 years ago but in a different context. Clarity (or epiphany) days (+/- 2 days) are usually when the purpose of the retrograde would reveal itself.

As it enters Aries, it goes in guns ablazing but then supposedly, the murky water of Pisces muddles the clarity that Aries may have provided on the tail end of the retrograde with thoughts of misplaced faith or being blindsighted. Venus retrograde in Leo draws out the inner child who longs to love and be loved. Not acting on things is contrary to Aries trait of action and impulsiveness, causing impatience, arrogance, and childishness/naivety. It is also noted that those with Aries strong in their natal chart would be more introspective, distant and hard to reach during this cycle.

Past lovers are also expected to come back during this period (emotionally or physically); however, it is to help one reflect on the darkness of those relationships, assessing patterns and reminding us of the reasons they are exes. It is meant to be a period of clearing up the past in order to start fresh.

* * * * *

It triggered me when someone mentioned that the last time Venus was in retrograde was July 25 to September 6, 2015 (ethical Virgo transiting to emotional Leo) and specifically asked if anything happened then that would have been pivotal. bubble of bliss and full circle (part 1) reflect the separate journeys we had based on karma and inner child during the last retrograde. As for the 8-year cycle, the last time Venus was retro in the sign of Aries was when I first met him again after our initial meeting, the first time we truly spent time together.

Since he had only spent a few hours with my friends and me one night in Seville in 2002, it was very impulsive for me to spend a weekend with someone who was practically a stranger in a foreign country (in loving memory). After picking me up at the airport on March 27, 2009 (clarity day) (see beach angel), the next 48 hours was the craziest connection for me. I was on 'cloud nine'; however, by June (completion of shadow period), I was frustrated with the infrequency of communication and started second guessing my feelings and the "reality" of the experience. He was the third man I had been with (second if you excluded a random experience) so my inexperience had me question my faith in myself.

The inner child, who longs to be loved, and the fear of unwantedness showed up again on July 25, 2015 (the start of Venus retrograde) when I once again messaged him about giving up on trying to figure out his hot and cold in communication. In hindsight, I was clingy and anxious (and arrogant as I thought I had some control over influencing him to change his "off the grid" behavior by being passive aggressive in my communication). His behavior had always been consistent. Similar to 2009, he had noted that he was in a period of being busy with a number of transitions with personal and professional life as well as being "off the grid" for a bit. I did not listen to anyone but my inner child and by August 13 (clarity day) when he contacted me again to check in on me, she pouted and got very emotional, which sealed the deal of pushing him (an Aries) away.

With the lessons from Venus in retrograde in 2009 and 2015, as well as the epiphany from full circle (part 1), absolution and when it rains, it pours was manifested by me. Not only am I to work through my fear, but also just realized my pattern. He actually had given me tools in his responses to me in 2015 although at the time, my naivety did not see it. His message in 11:11 (part 5) at the start of the retrograde also was to trigger me to reflect on past relationships.

I am fairly quick to assess whether a relationship is compatible or not; however, in my efforts to strive to be non-judgmental, open minded, and my pact to carpe diem since our first meeting (cougartown), I tend to stay in a situation longer than it is meant to serve its purpose until at some point, divinity pushes it to a point that it becomes unbearable to me. In so doing, at some point, I convince myself that I was unwanted, as a reason for it not working out. Even with reclaiming the cunt (part 3), my fear would naturally make me believe that those men would not flake on others, for example. I started to notice this pattern yesterday, as the man who inspired that post, was trying to reconcile. The reality though is that I was focused on what others wanted from me, causing the feeling of unwantedness, but had I followed what I wanted from me and for me and my true desires, those were not relationships that I had wanted to be wanted in.

I focused on the wrong message in August 2015:

"the experiences that we have together are very intense and real for me. i feel ok with having periods in between, sometimes long quiet periods...we experience it really differently, because i still feel like there is a heartbeat of communication, while you feel like you’ve been ignored...if that’s not ok with you, i respect that, and ask you to set the boundaries on what is and isn’t going to be sustainable for you."

Boundaries were something I discovered during my experiment with polyamory after reading More Than Two. Healthy polyamory requires a lot of communication, processing and boundaries, rather than rules inflicted on others, especially to address one's fears and insecurities. This really is not that different from monogamous relationships, except that things monogamous people take for granted like couple privilege is not a foregone conclusion in polyamory.

One of my friends from moments that matter (part 2) who did an intervention had communicated that she consulted with her therapist friend who had said that it was entirely good to experiment but one needs to have boundaries for it not to be self destructive. Prior to all of that last fall, I did not fully understand how boundaries play out in relationships. From observation, whether from friends or parents, I was only conscious of rules that people put on each other, which I was so against that I would let people be, hoping that love would conquer all. Some of this may be due to being born when Mars was in retrograde (face of the girl (part 1)). Needless to say, I never did communicate boundaries to him in 2015.

Boundaries would have helped me, though, know when to walk away rather than to process those moments as "unwantedness". Despite not wanting to change anyone and accepting him/her for who he/she is, I realized that the inner child does pout a bit that some relationships did not work out and inherently harps on it almost expecting something to change, another unhealthy pattern that I noticed. Not everyone is compatible, and not being compatible does not equate to being unwanted. This also explains why past lovers have come back in the physical form (absolution and when it rains, it pours). It is not just for forgiveness, but for me to reflect on and change my patterns, and not allowing the ego to rule. Sounds so simple, yet it has taken me a very long time to process that when it is so personal to the inner child.

"Off the grid" is not a new thing for him. It is part of who he is (trifecta). Turns out, it is very much of part of who I am as well. Every person (friends, family, co-workers, exes) whom I have mentioned my issue with infrequent communication periods with him have all independently commented that they never know whether I am dead or alive, local or traveling, depressed or just want to be left alone and sometimes follow my social media as "heartbeats of communication" as well (see got milk?).

Sometimes, who we are, mirrored in others, is the catalyst that is needed to learn to accept and love ourselves, in all our light and darkness ((wo)man in the mirror). That is the path to unconditional love.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and he who fears is not perfected in love."

1 John 4:18 

The clarity day is March 25, and since Aries represents self determination, I am determined to end this cycle from eight years ago.

11:11 (part 5)

I am still marinating...but I am slowly coming to the realization that perhaps prayers do get answered, but we may not fully understand what we are actually praying for. As noted in ftale, I had prayed for unconditional love since age 13. However, it was not until December that I had discovered the concept of twin flames and the difference with soulmates. 

A soulmate provides inspiration and positive energy during one's journey, and can be romantic or not, momentary or for stretches including a lifetime. However, a twin flame mirrors our fears until we work them out, and union occurs when both are ready for true unconditional love, letting go of any expectations. While soulmates can have some form of co-dependency, such thing would only repel a twin flame and unconditional love requires interdependency instead.

I am still working through when it rains, it pours, and as it is clearly not coincidental, why these men (and woman) have returned. I have even dabbled with the possibility that perhaps he was a "false twin flame," which helped me to let go and be open in the now to enjoy the present. Yet, waking up this morning to a message from him has me pausing.

Things have not worked out the way we plan, for either of us. However, eight years ago when I thought our journey would go a different way (full circle (part 2)), his took him a different path, resulting in periods for him that were similar to my 20s (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)), including no contact with his father. I did not realize how "obsessive" I had become with wanting him to work through that relationship, as I had thought it would be cathartic for him to forgive his father (like he had with his ex). It was not until he said something in Las Vegas last December that made me realize that I was projecting my experience with my mother onto him.

His message, which was sent at 4:11am my time (11:11pm his time as he was in Melbourne), was that he had finally reached out to his father. It was the first contact in seven years. I have been seeing 11 and repetitive numbers a lot lately, but had intentionally dismissed them as my mind latching onto something because it is more keen on the awareness of such (Carl Jung's synchronicities), but the reality was that I was trying to trick myself into believing that he was a false twin flame. I am so happy for him in taking the bold step, but this also comes with the realization that he is working through his fears, as much as I am, and there is a mirror of the souls. 

So through the lens of innocence from a little girl's prayers for unconditional love comes another opportunity for a reckoning that a higher power has a better plan than we do (unanswered prayers).

reclaiming the cunt (part 3)

When I entered the online dating world a couple of years ago, it was really the first time I got the full dose of the games people play in order to establish some perceived value...in what we call "the chase". As a late bloomer, I never experienced the full realm of this. Even then, my first relationship lasted 3-5 years off and on, and I guess because I was a virgin for so long, never experienced "slut shaming" in all its glory.

I have discovered that I love kinky fuckery and while she (yes, I refer to my pussy in the third person as she has a mind of her own) tends to be monogamous and selective, she also likes to have fun. I have had a number of people (friends, acquaintances and strangers) comment that I should be a sex therapist or something given my open mindedness when it comes to sexual acts/experiments as well as the innate ability to have strangers open up and disclose very personal things within the first meeting. For that and other reasons, I believe many think my number is very high (for a woman, which the hypocrisy that there are two different acceptable thresholds based on gender bothers me). It is not, but as I tell people, that is also very irrelevant.

Slut shaming (reclaiming the cunt (part 1)) serves no purpose. It is something patriarchal societies do to suppress and repress women; however, I never quite understood why women do it to each other, perhaps out of jealousy and fear of their own desires. Having a healthy libido has extended years on people's lives. Studies have shown that orgasms and sperm in a woman's body has numerous health benefits including reduction of pain and aches, anti-depressant, etc. I know for me a lot of sex/orgasms clears up my face (to the point where someone thought I had some work done recently), reduces my period/aches/pain, and with frequency, can give me a 6-pack. 

That is the physical side but there is also a lot of intimacy and bonding, even with fuck buddy or friends with benefits arrangements. To me, it really is more about the healthy view of sex as well as mutual respect for anybody that you may engage in any activity, including hugs (hug it out) and cuddling. There are cuddle parties and meetups popping up all over the world. Cuddle Up to Me provides certified professional snuggling services (yes, there is a certification now). So where do humans draw the line between paying for professional cuddles and sex as somehow acceptable or deplorable acts?

When people tell me that they would never pay for sex (see china anniversary) as if it is a bad and desperate thing, I oftentimes point out that "wining and dining" someone with the primary intention of getting sex is the same thing and perhaps more costly and probably less satisfying. I never understood my male friends who would constantly pursue women who "played hard to get" and expected men to pay for dates. One friend explained to me that it means that she doesn't just "give it up to anyone" and makes people work for it. What is "it"? That implies that sex is not something given freely but has a cost and payment to it, whether via cost of dates and/or effort. It creates this false illusion that value is directly correlated to the effort one has to put in to get it. Why are women to be pursued and men not? Do men not have value by that logic? What happened to mutual attraction, mutual respect and mutual fun?

So when I joined the online dating world, I intentionally chose not to play the games that I despise (see me love you long time (part 7)). In so doing, I have met men who would flake on "dates" or "fuck buddies" to hang out with friends or do something they placed more value as if sex as a shared and fun activity could be easily had. Yet, they seemed to wonder why someone is not just waiting around for their booty call. I even met a guy who could not be friends with someone that he still wanted to have sex with yet when he was having sex, he'd constantly flake and would prioritize friends, constantly trying to wave friendship as some white flag to reel a person back in order to proposition again.

During my experiment with polyamory, I dated a man whom we had a lot of fun with shared activities. I prioritize people in my life but I also treat everyone with the same respect. When he started dating another woman who would only make time for him once every 3 weeks, it made him want her more. He kept excusing that she was busy so the fact that she "squeezed" him in every once in awhile somehow held some value to him. We are all busy; we all prioritize what is important. He never could reconcile that it meant that she did not view him as important. He even rationalized it to himself, when he thought they had a date and she decided to go to Tahoe instead. The reality is that she never committed anything to him in advance and only reached out to him last minute so she can keep her calendar open to other more important options.

So while one may view "the chase" as perceiving the other as more valuable, what does it really say about the person's value who is doing the chasing as if he/she is not worthy of being respected and pursued mutually? I don't chase but I also don't like to be chased. If I am interested, I let a person know - I initiate as much as the other. I know my worth and would only want to be with someone who feels the same about his/her worth. Devaluing someone as "easy" is only devaluing the person who made such judgment.

code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)

This post is specifically dedicated to my first cousin, once removed, who still struggles with 'voices' from her deceased mother haunting her about her looks and 'slut shaming' from childhood. A friend once told me when I started blogging again that perhaps someone would chance upon my musings, and it may help someone who may be going through similar struggles at some point in his/her life.

* * * * *

We all have some form of childhood demons, and an inner child that continues to plague us in adulthood. It is very easy with social media today to pretend to be someone we are not, and have others think the grass is greener in someone else's life. In the Asian community, 'saving face' makes perception reality when it is really anything but. Families spend countless time and energy to hide 'disgraces' and skeletons for generations, often sending their children to live with distant 'relatives'.

My siblings are both doctors - one married another doctor and the other opened up his own family practice which his wife manages. I am a partner in a global consulting firm, and successful in my own right. They both have M.D.'s (clearly), and I have an M.B.A. from a prestigious Ivy League university. On paper, our family has been used by many families that are family, friends and acquaintances of my parents as role models of what their children should strive to be. 

I always hated this type of comparison growing up, even as first generation immigrants with not many older than me to compare. I used to share a number of my accomplishments with my parents (partly in my efforts to find some semblance of something that they would latch onto to be proud of me) until I realized they were using it to boast, and not necessarily out of happiness for my accomplishments (see me love you long time (part 3) and minority of minorities), but to make others feel worse about their situations. It took many lengthy discussions for them to realize that my silence was not from a lack of wanting to share but from the lack of desire to contribute to it being used to make some other child feel 'unworthy'. 

To this day, even my uncle and aunt would continuously 'pressure' their children to follow in our footsteps, not realizing that my sister took two years off in between undergraduate and medical school because she could not separate her dreams from my parents' wishes or that I picked a major out of rebellion without any particular goal in mind and much of my life has been based on luck or divine intervention (i.e., my guardian angels). I could have easily been dead, in prison and/or have five children out of wedlock out of such rebellion.

Perhaps only a handful know though that at the age of 13, I seriously contemplated suicide. That may not be the lowest period of my life, but it was also at a point where I did not have the inner strength to will myself to any other option. In my cowardliness though, I could not decide on the method. My pain tolerance or lack thereof had me too chicken to slit wrists or hang from the closet (eh, I think our closet rods were rather low as well). Other than aspirin, our household was relatively free of any strong prescription drugs, as well as guns. My only outlet at the time turned out to be religion, which seemed to frighten me from being condemned to hell for suicides (something I no longer believe). That, perhaps, saved me enough to feel part of something, until my mid-20s, when I could gather up the inner strength to work on me (see moments that matter (part 3)). My 20s was also the time when I hit major depression that became a downward spiral that was very difficult to get out.

During that period, I held onto a quote from Lady Jane, which is the inspiration for the blog name, that seemed to remind me that there is something better and beyond our experiences on Earth:

"The soul takes flight to the world that is invisible but there arriving she is sure of bliss and forever dwells in paradise."

Plato 

The grass is never greener on the other side...it is green where we water and fertilize it. I have been blessed with some really great friends since college who nurtured me and held onto me when I really just wanted to fly away and disappear. I no longer believe in coincidences in life. Things do eventually happen for a reason, including teaching us to make better decisions as part of 'free will'. We all take the journey we are meant to take, some longer than others (22). We are ultimately responsible for creating our own happiness. Living out someone else's dreams only serves to delay ours, even if it takes another lifetime to complete.

You, I, we...are not alone in this journey. Like I discovered in to err is human, to forgive, divine,  if you are reading this and it helps you in your journey, it is not by chance. Find that inner child and give him/her a big bear hug. I am still looking to hold onto mine...for good this time (and never let her go) (a picture is worth a thousand words, hug it out, and full circle (part 1)), as I relay to her that I love the woman that she's become and it is safe to come home.

a picture is worth a thousand words

Viola Davis just won an Oscar for her supporting role in Fences, to add to her Emmy, Tony and Screen Actors Guild Awards, achieving the Triple Crown of Acting. It was recently reported that she only has one photo from her childhood as she grew up in an impoverished environment, and no cameras were to be had.

While there are pictures from my childhood in the United States, for the longest time, we only had one picture of my toddler days in Vietnam, which contributed to my conspiracy theory that my mother was/is not my biological mother. My brother, who is a year younger, had a whole photo shoot as a newborn. Perhaps it is because he is the son, and/or perhaps it was easy for my mother to grab these photos as she was rushing to grab family valuables before escaping on my father's navy ship (...do as the romans do), but it always did make me sad that as the first born in my immediate family and maternal grandparents' side and the second born in my paternal grandparents' side (in loving memory) that my birth was not somehow celebrated with more fanfare.

Decades later, my paternal uncle in Vietnam was able to find a couple of pictures during that period.

Viola had commented that the look on her kindergarten picture was not a smile nor a frown but one of a child that woke up every morning thinking how blessed she was. I oftentimes wonder what the little girl in the picture was thinking as she seems to have the same open mouth, surprised/shocked/awed look. Even in some of the earlier pictures in the United States, she has that same open mouth reaction, as if she is incapable of smiling.

I am sure she holds the key to the mystery of the lost memories and the part that even I do not have access to. What do you see? Enlighten me...