rest in peace

Many years ago, I read a series of books that have changed my perspective in life (see to err is human, to forgive, divine) - actually, I would say it validated rather than changed as for some reason, I was already on that trajectory. One of the things in the book was that people are reading the book as they are ready for it - something akin to things happening for a reason. Having been raised Baptist, there was a lot of push of hell and damnation, which was one of the reasons why I turned away from organized religion (more complex than can be articulated in a blog). The series of books somehow amalgamated many concepts from various organized religions throughout the world and articulated them in such a way that there were no contradictions, and in its own way, made sense.

One of the concepts though is that there is no such thing as hell. Life on earth is the equivalent of the 'hell' as we are prone to use the term, but it's really a matter of life experiences that we choose to experience and continuous rebirths until we achieve some higher learning/experiences -- similar to the various heavens noted in Buddhism (see the road less traveled). Since then, my fear of dying has lessened and focus more on my experiences and living in the moment.

Ben Breedlove, in his young age, has impacted many through his witty relationship advice posts on YouTube through a couple of pseudonyms. But two simple posts with a different pseudonym that he created just for the occasion have touched millions. Many have interpreted his message differently, based on where they are in their lives. Although his life was snuffed out on Christmas, his legacy in itself is a Christmas miracle, as his family were able to view the YouTube posts, which he had uploaded a week before, the day after his death and find comfort. My take -- how wonderful would it be to have that constant smile and peace. His face glows with that smile as he covers that part as well. My hat is off to him for finally finding bliss.

me love you long time (part 7)

I recently heard the following that struck me in its simplicity in meaning yet complexity in execution:

I don't want you to give up your life. I just want you in mine.

I have always had a view that relationships that usually endure the test of time are those where individuals do not rely on the other for their happiness but oftentimes complement each other in their compatibility, respect and love for each other. Seems like a mouthful but having been in Vietnam for less than a year, the number of failed relationships (whether on paper or not) seem disproportionately high (see me love you long time (part 6) and china anniversary).

Before I left for the States for the holidays, I got into a conversation with a number of young staff. They were concerned that at the ages of 21-22, they were not married or had a boyfriend. After I gave them my perspective of learning more about themselves and what they want in life including exploring a number of relationships, the only male with us chimed in that it is not possible in Vietnam since it is the woman's fault that the culture is the way it is, given their propensity to want to find men to take care of them at any and all costs to their own self-respect. Interesting view to shift the blame as I think the phenomenom is due to both genders using the other for their own purposes (e.g., sugar daddy vs. trophy wife). No matter how it is spun, in the end, it boils down to the same formula with both sides at fault and wanting to shift the blame to the other party.

It reminds me of a relationship that my friend told me about one of her friends. The young lady dated her husband for about five years before marrying him less than a year ago. It does not seem as if he's changed or want to change since she started dating him, but for some reason, she thought that by marrying him, he would give up his addiction of gambling on cockfights so that they could save money to start a family. He blatantly told her that if he had to choose her or the cockfights, the cockfights would win hands down. However, his grandmother put up with it with his grandfather and his mother with his father so he could not see why she could not be like them. On the other hand, because either he was a very good liar and hid this from her or she somehow thought the ring on the finger would give her license to try to change him, any marriage stemming from either was doomed to fail. However, she is at a critical juncture in which she has to determine what to do. While they have been separated, she has made the rounds of fortune tellers with the hopes that they can tell her what to do. She is concerned that if she divorced him at the age of 25, nobody else would want her and she would be forever single. Seems like another selfish reason and two wrongs do not make a right.

It occurs to me that if people started relationships for more selfless reasons - basic love, trust and respect for each other, including themselves, there is a solid foundation to build on. However, many of both genders have a constant wont to change people into some theoretical 'perfect' person. People should want to change to become a better person on their own, lest they build up resentment or the change is temporary. Because I generally have a view about anything and everything or will point out double standards in people's behaviors, I have been accused of wanting to change people, which can't be further from the truth. It takes too much effort and is not my responsibility to do so. As I noted in what's your sign?, I have the tendency to observe how people treat strangers in evaluating the true nature of a person and have no desire for games, of which changing someone falls into that category. Besides, it takes just as much effort to put up a toilet seat as it does to put it down. Very trivial in the big scheme of things, don't you think?

los pechos de la chola

San Francisco was always one of those places where I have wanted to live. I have fond memories of a drive down the long winding Route 1 from San Francisco to Los Angeles during a post-college road trip. The last time I was supposed to go to San Francisco was on September 11, 2001 for a meeting with a client's attorneys, which ended up never happening (see carpe diem). The trip was to have a personal motive as well, as I was considering a possible relocation and wanted to explore whether my memories from college infatuation held true.

Market Street

Golden Gate Bridge

San Francisco skyline

On a whim, I took the opportunity to visit a friend on my way back for the holidays. After a late start, we just got in a car and went for a drive - well as aimlessly as one can with a GPS navigator in tow. We ended up at Twin Peaks right before sunset. Of course, the hill with the sunset view was also the windiest and chilliest, which I was not equipped for with my high heel boots and dress. The views were spectacular with practically a 360 degree view of the city in all its glory. For a brief moment (until my digits started to get numb), the hues, the fresh air, the sound of the wind, and nature juxtaposed with concrete jungle seemed so...peaceful.

We ended the night with drinks at a local bar and a great meal in the historical Castro district at the bottom of the hills. I love when a local feels strongly enough about a place that he stops by two strangers staring at a menu to recommend the lasagna. Turns out that the restaurant had its own history, being family owned for 40+ years. Besides, a place called the Sausage Factory in the middle of a gay neighborhood has to live up to its name. To the gentleman who swore up and down on the lasagna...he was right, it was scrumptious.

Sometimes it is interesting where life takes us, and many times, it is all about the timing. I remain infatuated and can now add the "Breasts of the Indian Maiden" to my fond memories of the Bay Area!

lights, cameras, action!

While Christmas is not a national holiday, the Western influence and marketing of retailers have hit Vietnam in preparation of Christmas and Tet. During the hot season, there have been a number of blackouts and rolling brownouts but this has not deterred such businesses from decking out their facilities with tons of Christmas lights. The last few weeks in District 1 has been quite claustrophobic with all the crowds, regardless of weekends or weekdays, coming into town to take family pictures with all the Christmas lights.

Children are dressed up in cute red Santa outfits that are sold all over the street stalls. Motorbikes just stop in the middle of the road as people wait for family members to take pictures with the lights and displays. Sidewalks are packed with families from all walks of life - young/old, city/country dwellers, couples/families, etc. With the Southeast Asian lack of courtesy when it comes to personal space, people are practically on top of each other to get a decent picture with the displays without strangers encroaching in the frame. Perhaps this is why it seems more crowded compared to the large number of tourists that I'm used to in NYC during the Christmas season.

Christmas is one of my favorite holidays, and I generally love the lights and decorations, including spending the hours to put up the decorations in my home in the US for the few days of enjoyment while I'm usually in town. It does strike me as ironic that so many are out and about to enjoy the festivities, yet know little, if anything at all, regarding the purpose of the season. I also realize that many in the States have also lost sight of the reason for the season. 

fashion faux pas

Jean tights, crocs heels, and combovers are a few fashion faux pas that usually have me questioning the decision making skills of the person sporting such fashion. Yet, as silly as socks with sandals (unfortunately, my mother sports this look at times...ugh!) or hose with open-toe shoes look, the local fashion of the big-toe sock with flip flops just drive me batty!

Many wear these socks to protect their feet from a suntan. Some wear them to keep their feet warm. In either case, perhaps they should not be wearing flip flops in the first place.

santarchy

Three years ago, one of the expats decided to start his own tradition - Santarchy. While Santarchy was a way for expats to get together to go on a pub crawl around Ho Chi Minh City, it has become a showstopper for the locals. There are a number of Catholics in the country; however, a majority are Buddhists so Christmas is not a national holiday. While it wasn't the original purpose, it was a pleasant unintended consequence to bring some Christmas cheer to the local night life.

As with any expat event, there is always some theme attached, which in this case includes everyone dressed up in Santa outfits. A bicycle is souped up with a lit rudolph head affixed to a car battery and ipod tunes, with a cooler carrying roadies for all. During the pub crawl, traffic stops as locals take family pictures with the Santas. Even the billiard/bar girls stopped work for a bit to watch the festivities.

Note to self: flip flops are more conducive to pub crawls with uneven sidewalks than heels.

all-purpose tool

One day while in an elevator, I pointed out to an expat that Vietnamese will generally keep their hairy moles, especially on their face, and not trim the facial hair as it somehow represents luck. He then asked if that was why the men had long point fingernails, primarily the pinky. Yeah, ummmm....no. The man next to me on the ferry today happen to have all his fingers long and pointy. Some have argued that it is similar to Asian women's desire to be white - i.e., a sign of wealth as people with long nails are less likely to do a lot of manual labor (see quest for snow white). While that may have been the case many centuries ago or perhaps an urban legend to make it seem a status symbol of sorts, the reality is that it is for more practical reasons - picking noses and cleaning out ear wax.

That sure makes one think twice before shaking someone's hand when noticing the long pinky nail, or better yet, when that person is making the sandwich that was ordered at Subway.

a minority of minorities

I read an article today: Some Asians' College Strategy: Don't Check 'Asian'. While I understand the merits of collecting individuals' data such as gender and race, I have always been against the usage of such data though to make decisions such as quotas, etc. Many decades or centuries ago, that may have been a necessary evil to level the playing field but it should be a secondary factor, after other merits have been accomplished rather than a primary.

Growing up, the push in the American Vietnamese community was always for every kid to be a doctor. It did not matter which type, it was just important for parents to boast that their kid got into the medical profession, and if they could not get into one field, they would keep taking their MCATs and applying to various schools until they got in somewhere. It became disheartening to see the impacts to the children and how they were judged later in life: even though the person may have wanted to be a veterinarian because of his/her love for animals, it was presumed that the person got into that field because he/she could not get into a real medical school. I never liked the scene and the environment it created for the next generation (see me love you long time (part 3) and code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)). It drove me away from the field of medicine entirely although I always excelled at science and math and would have been a great forensic scientist (picture CSI).

I never understood the appeal of doctors to the community. It was always doctors, but if you couldn't do it, lawyers were also acceptable. Why? Where did this idea come from? At some point, I thought it was because those professions were very wealthy in Vietnam. However, during my family's first trip to Vietnam in the late 1990s, it was very obvious that doctors were poor and worked hard - they had to have chosen the profession for the pure desire to help others rather than for financial gain. Lawyers are practically non-existent in a country with a lack of an established court system that isn't mired in corruption. As for the push for education, kids were taken out of schools to do odd jobs to support the family and even married off so that the family didn't have to support the daughter anymore (see it takes a village (part 2)). Families who have connections actually push children to specialize in some field where they can obtain government jobs since it is well known that the financial gain is not in the salary but in the briberies - even to the point that people pay officials to get the position in the first place. Families with money, which is usually because of a tie to the government, would send their children abroad to study, and usually the children would return at some point, to take on a government position.

So the push was not because of the culture that they came from, it was the opportunity that they saw in the country they now adopted. Doctors and lawyers were viewed as the affluent individuals in America. While they wanted for their children to be successful and have the wealth that they struggled to have as immigrant parents, the pressures and competition have done a different type of harm to the first generation of immigrant children. Asians had to excel more just to get a fighting chance to get into the same universities as their Caucasian peers simply because the people they were competing against were not the Caucasians or other ethnicities, it was their own kind. The bar had been raised, and that's when the statistics that these universities collected and used to fill the Asian quota clearly disregarded that the population that met the primary metrics was significantly larger.

My entire life I was treated as a minority in a small town in Texas. Yet when it was time to apply for universities, I no longer qualified as a 'minority' on minority scholarships. Native Americans who have been in the country the longest qualified yet Asians, one of the more recent ethnic groups to the US, were not. This was another form of discrimination in that some people in their infinite wisdom did not view that Asians had hardships when it came to education. Just because my parents instilled in me to 'keep studying' even when I finished homework does not justify that I did not go through some form of hardship. So not only did I not qualify for a minority scholarship which I sorely needed given my immigrant family's financial situation, I was also discriminated in that Asians in most schools still had to meet a quota, regardless of the fact that significantly more were vying for the few slots allotted to the ethnic group.

For those reasons, I banned the University of Texas from my short list. Both my siblings went there, and my mother even cut off my education funds until I transferred back to there. Yet, on principle, I refused to go to a college where I would be treated as a minority but not be able to benefit as a minority in the same fashion as the other minorities. The double discrimination was debilitating. To this day, I also do not check certain boxes - while the company says that a people survey is anonymous, if in checking the boxes, it is clear that I am the only Asian female partner in a particular function in a particular office, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that the anonymity has just got thrown out the window. Even in Vietnam, while Asian may not be a factor, it is pretty easy to figure someone out in a small office based on the numerous statistical questions, which eventually would discourage honest feedback. The fear of retaliation is another debilitating factor to counter the power of anonymity.

in a blink of an eye

I have been to a handful of weddings already. In some cases, I've been invited to a number where I barely or did not even know the bride or groom. Actually it is just the reception that most people are invited to. The ceremony itself is usually in front of a small gathering of family and close friends whereby the groom's family goes to the bride's family's house (since women usually still live at home until they are married) in order to bring her to her new home. A small ceremony in front of an alter of incense and dead family members is performed to receive ancestral blessings. In the US, many Vietnamese have some form of this ceremony and in many cases, modified with a church wedding or similar ceremony.

However, the one thing that still amazes me is what I call the "eat and run" behavior. Vietnamese usually give money rather than gifts. This in many cases, turn out to be a huge money-maker for the bride and groom. As there are given protocols for the sum that is gifted, many couples would pick venues or times that are more cost effective to maximize the profits. More so in the North than the South, this may also entail holding receptions during lunch or afternoon of a weekday, causing people to take off of work in order to attend since restaurants are usually cheaper then. The couple is busy greeting each table to toast and collect the money envelopes. Courses are usually timed to give the couple enough time to make the rounds, but as soon as the last course is served, which is usually fruit (no wedding cake, as that is usually made of cardboard for pictures), people start leaving. At this last wedding I went to which had approximately 40 tables (or 400 people), an individual had stopped by to say hi and bye to a friend and me. By the time the 10-minute conversation was over, we were the only ones still seated at any table. The room had literally cleared out in a blink of an eye.

Another tradition that baffles me, especially after my exposure to American weddings, is the number of those wearing white. Despite this picture, the bride does wear white...well, she wears anywhere from 3-5 different outfits, all rented of course. When it came to the bouquet toss, which is an adopted tradition as it wasn't at the other receptions I attended, swarms of young ladies in white showed up. In fact, they were all in white. It occurred to me that this may have been their way to notify men as to who were available. Needless to say, I was not in white. 

taking it all off

At the young age of 20, Aliaa Magda Elmahdy has been catapulted in the middle of the Egyptian revolution. For different reasons, she is feared by both the conservatives and liberals. After her nude photo in only black stockings and red shoes was taken off of Facebook, she accepted a friend's request to post it on Twitter. Her reason for posing nude and posting it was because she "is not shy of being a woman in a society where women are nothing but sex objects harassed on a daily basis by men who know nothing about sex or the importance of a woman". She lives in the country where the military performed controversial 'forced virginity tests' on 17 women who participated in the Tahrir Square protests.

As noted a number of times in this blog, Asian women entering into establishments that are frequented by foreigners, whether tourists or expats, run the risk of being mistaken for a prostitute. A French Vietkieu woman tried to prove her self-confidence by comparing herself to a local woman that was visibly upset when an expat, who was an acquaintance of one of her colleagues, demeaned her and attempted to solicit her. I challenged the Vietkieu and told her that she should not feel so confident about her actions for not defending a friend to the expat. While the local girl may have manners and not put the jerk in his place, he did not have the right to treat her as such, especially since it was not her choice to go to that bar nor should she be penalized for dressing nicely rather than garbed in local pajamas. She, in fact, was following her Vietkieu friend who chose that bar and environment. Sometimes women are our own worst enemies - degrading others to boost one's own ego - hardly considered self-confidence in my book.

A few months ago, I got into a debate with a local Vietnamese man, around my age. While he had spent a number of years overseas studying, I would still consider him a local more than Vietkieu. Perhaps it was a bit of the alcohol and definitely because he thought I was a docile, uneducated woman, he decided to tutor me on the female anatomy. His lesson: women are not equipped to have orgasms as they do not have the balls that are pressurized for release. Clearly, the gent knew nothing about women's ability to have more intense and multiple orgasms. One of the Australian expats have warned me against 'corrupting' his local girlfriend. Unbeknownst to him, she has already mentioned his 'two-pump' chump. So while the lack of knowledge about sex and women is not confined to particular countries, people tend to migrate to such countries whereby they can still appear to be king (or queen).

China and Vietnam have stepped up its monitoring and military to avoid the Arab spring fever. Both countries have trumped up charges for dissidents in order to imprison and stifle their activities. Ai Weiwei has already been convicted of tax evasion without any representation in a court of law. His supporters have donated millions of dollars to cover the fines and penalties. The latest charges relate to porn. In an act of defiance and solidarity, he and his supporters have posted nude pictures online with the slogan: Listen, Chinese Government: Nudity is Not Pornography.

Put on trial the artists' models who posed nude for art schools until the early 70s, hide the art books and destroy the nude statues of antiquity, then undress and stand before a mirror and burn your bodies that you despise to forever rid yourselves of your sexual hangups before you direct your humiliation and chauvinism and dare to try to deny me my freedom of expression.

~ Aliaa Magda Elmahdy 

bbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

In Lan Kwai Fong, there is a novel ice vodka bar in a Russian restaurant called Balalaika. It is set at zero degrees celsius and offers fur coats for those entering to do vodka shots of every flavor known to mankind. Lan Kwai Fong is a popular expat entertainment center for drinking, clubbing and eating. Many of the venues are those where people have to explore and/or know where they are located as it is not just a horizontal center but also a vertical one with 'hole in the wall' establishments in random buildings with very few signage.

Of course, those who visit the ice vodka bar are usually somewhere between tipsy and smashed. Encased in a voluminous fur coat, I overheard one of the patrons bragging that it really wasn't that cold. He had not seen the ice blocks and was feeling the tiles. So I challenged him to sit on the ice block with his bare bum. To his credit, he was game. Good thing he had a friend with him who stopped him from putting his family jewels against the ice block when I further dared him. A word to the wise, it is always good to have a designated person to guard one against crazy photo ops during drunken stupors.

don't judge me by the color of my skin

Hong Kong skyline from ferry to Kowloon

Hong Kong is fast becoming one of my favorite cities, at least in Asia Pacific. Perhaps some of it has to do with the people and lifestyle that may be akin to New York City as noted in another lifetime. But then again, it's got a whole different personality of its own. There are a diversity of activities, social scenes, transportation modes, shopping and eating establishments. Although it has the topography similar to San Francisco, it is a very easy walking city, combined with a natural stair master.

corner of Hollywood Road

However, like Vietnam, it has its fair share of local vs. foreigner/expat bars. Of course, an Asian woman in one of the latter bars runs the risk of being mistaken and treated as a 'working girl,' which I quickly experienced, whereby a friend had to come to my rescue and almost started a brawl.  I can now see why the locals prefer to hang out in their own establishments. Yet, unlike Vietnam, the local establishments tend to be just as much fun and have a very modern atmosphere and vibe. In fact, they had a better underground scene.

In Wan Chai, my friend and I ran into some gorgeous colored women. Asians, in general, are blatantly discriminatory against black people. Some of this may have stemmed from the view that darker skin (see the quest for snow white) is poor/rural/uneducated. I have also heard a theory that it has to do with the larger physique, thus Asians are naturally fearful of blacks. However, Americans and Europeans generally have larger physiques as well, and their fearfulness results in the demure Asian rather than aggressive derision. 

These ladies were not allowed in any establishment, except for one, which required them to be escorted by a man. As one of the ladies noted, if she is escorted by a man to sit and drink, she would not be making any money as she could not pick up other men. Plus, she had the self confidence and respect for herself to note that she would not want to be anywhere that she was not fully accepted for all of her. For those who may think that they were not allowed in the establishments because they were working girls, Hong Kong is very similar to Vietnam in that these women are pretty much allowed in any establishment, and Wan Chai bars were filled with Asian working girls while their darker counterparts were relegated to the wall outside.

And to my friend's credit, he ended up escorting them to the few places they were allowed to enter to party with them, after I retired at 4 am. Despite my offer for them to use him to take them anywhere while we were out, they were respectful, and refused my offer, lest they tarnished others' views of me for being seen with them. Of course, they didn't really know me if they thought that was a concern for me; however, I was proud of my friend for coming back to them and showing them a modicum of respect.

food orgy

I feel like a pig - and I'm not talking about my Vietnamese astrological sign. I am ordering more items on the menu. While excessive eating may be a sign of depression or stress, that is not generally my issue as I am one of the few who actually loses appetite during stress. No, my issue is the portion sizes.

While the US is known for its gluttony, obesity and large portion sizes, Vietnam seems to be the extreme on the other side of the spectrum. I find myself ordering more dishes, and while the prices per dish are significantly less, the total bill generally works out to be comparable to the US, in some cases. My friend once said that the cost of food/groceries in Vietnam are not comparable to the salaries and general cost of living, similar to real estate. Although I didn't quite agree at the time based on the initial sticker shock of cheap prices, in the overall scheme of things, she's right when you factor in the portion sizes and/or the ingredients that are used. Meat products tend to have more of the fattier rather than leaner parts of the animal. Fake eggs (the chicken or the egg dilemma) that are suspected of causing mental retardation after prolonged consumption are substituted in food in order to increase profit and/or contain rising costs. Free-range working cows and chickens have resulted in very chewy rather than tender and juicy meat.

So to get the comparable quality of ingredients or healthy dishes, one has to pay significant premiums, especially to get Australian or US beef. Whether its the additional dishes to make up for portion sizes or the unhealthy food products, I have to reign things in and modify my eating habits soon, lest I have to start working out for the first time in 20 years.

leftovers

China's 'one child' policy along with other factors has left a significant gender gap of approximately 20-30 million for the next few decades. While the 30-year-old policy prevented approximately 400 million births, it has created an aging population with a shrinking labor force, and a gender gap caused by sex-selective abortions because of the traditional preference for boys. The government released its Outline for the Development of Chinese Children (2011-2020), which calls for gender equality and establishing penalties for doctors who are caught performing sex-selective abortions. Better late than never, right?

Despite the shortage though, the last census noted that over 500,000 women in Beijing over the age of 28 (known as shengnv or leftover women) are delaying marriage despite familial and societal pressures and taboos. While views such as "[w]hy would I marry a woman who has been 'left behind'? If she's 33 and not yet married, maybe there is something wrong with her" still represent the majority, it is refreshing to see those who defy it all to hold out for respect and love.

One of the women noted "[i]t doesn't matter what other people say, but when their parents tell them, 'You should get married, otherwise you never will. If you don't get married at 28, you are an undesirable woman,' can you imagine how that makes them feel? It's really terrible." Although I have received my fair share of such comments from family and strangers as noted in me love you long time (part 3), one of my proud moments of my mother was when I overheard my aunt ask her why I wasn't married yet and asking whether it was because I was too picky. Whether she was embarrassed or not, she didn't skip a beat in her response that I just haven't found the right person for me, and that was more important than having an 'unworthy' husband (probably not the technical translation). Of course, the question came from one of the aunts that was mentioned in me love you long time (part 6).

While the women in Ho Chi Minh City have not quite caught onto the Beijing trend, a warning to all men from an official cougar or 齐天大剩 (leftover goddess) - women, too, have choices, and one day, the gender gap will be in our favor based on simple supply and demand principles, and then we'll see who are truly the leftovers.

See Leftover Women Speak Their Heart Out for translation.

esl

There is a saying here that everybody wants the title but not the responsibility (see prior posts stone skipping (part 1), sweat shop, and a box of crayons). This is also why every email is filled with a long distribution list of everyone being cc'ed to the point where nobody reads the email, deletes, and assumes someone else is responsible for it. Within my first few months here, I was told, rather than asked, to present on a topic specific to Vietnam. If it related to US or international standards, perhaps the logical choice may have been me, but it seemed as if the other 10+ individuals in senior management would have been more credible rather than the Vietkieu who has only been in the country for less than three months, plus it would have eliminated the translator. However, since nobody else wanted to do it, I was left holding the bag, which usually explains all the multiple hats I wear at work.

Every year we are required to sign declarations that we are aware of policies, yet I find that they constantly tell me that I need to re-communicate those policies, and when there are continuous infractions, it is my responsibility to do a live training because I should 'know' that nobody reads emails. Having someone who is the 'new kid on the block' who hasn't been taught the policies herself to teach the policies to others is somehow illogical only to me. Saying that individuals should be responsible for reading policies and paying attention to the multiple training media fall on deaf ears, as the responsibility somehow falls on me.

It came up in a management meeting last week that I needed to focus more attention on knowing when people didn't understand me and to recognize those situations and clarify. Turns out that rather than following up with me when another partner did not understand policy, he decided to post his complaint to the functional leader that she needed to educate me on how to 'communicate better and cooperate' rather than do the obvious of recognizing that he needed to read the policy and educate himself or to follow up and ask clarifying questions. As is my style, I addressed him directly, took off all the cc's (which he then put back on and added others), and after numerous re-attachments of prior communications, it was clear that his only point was that senior leadership needed to "work with [me] for better communication and cooperation" since it was not his role.

So to all the native English speakers (since clearly it is being stated that English is neither my first nor second language), I ask you how clear or unclear the following messages were:

• "...you have to create another XYZ file. The file should...provide a reference to the prior case ID as an audit trail." [communication in August based on generic errors/mistakes going forward]
• "Please resubmit all of these cases to get appropriate approvals in the system." [in September when his case got flagged with an error]
• "You should create a new XYZ referencing the old case ID as noted in last month's communication (attached) to ensure that it has sufficient approvals." [in September when he responded that he took a shortcut and did it manually, and I reattached the August communication]
• "As noted in the attached response,...you will need to create another XYZ." [in October when he continued to respond that he did it manually, and I reattached the prior communications]
• "Going forward, [the cases] will require different XYZ to replace the old ones." [same day in October when he responded "Do you mean I need to create a XYZ case to replace the below case?" - to end the back and forth, I communicated to him that I decided to grant him another exception to do it manually, at which point was when he went to the functional leader to lodge a complaint on my lack of communication and cooperation]

Now, his suggestion on how I should have communicated this from the beginning was "do another cases to replace the former cases even the jobs have been done". That same communication in September regarding 'resubmitting' was sent to five other individuals with errors, of which nobody else had any issues with the instructions that were initially provided. Of course, the functional leader jumped on his bandwagon as well.

I attended a presentation yesterday regarding the 'new normal' as it relates to the global economy and changes in the business environment. The speaker noted: "Management is the ability to deal with challenges. Leadership is the ability to deal with changes." If the challenge that we are stuck on is the Vietnamese schooling the American on English, we are all in a world of hurt!

me love you long time (part 6)

One of my clients struck oil and had a First Oil Ceremony celebration last night. Anyone who was anybody in the industry and some local celebrities and government officials were at the event. When the CFO (an expat) stopped by our table, he knew I looked familiar and asked if I was the new manager on the account. When they corrected him, he noted that I looked very different than during our first and only meeting a few months ago. Later, he came for a closer look and said 'very stunning actually'.

During my career, I have noticed that people tend to state their titles when others ask what they do for a living. In general, I have stuck to the 'consultant' answer or not really broach the topic, which is a bit of a challenge during my assignment here since part of my role is business development. As I have advanced, people have treated me differently when they find out my level. Over time, this has become one of my pet peeves - my title doesn't define me. Yet, I find that people judge you based on your title. I got to this level being me so why would that change me? While that may be a rhetorical question, I will admit that a large number of people who have made it to such achievements have significantly changed once the title was bestowed upon them and so when asked the question of what they do for a living, their response of the title is to let the title define them.

The CFO remarked that I had looked all 'accountanty' before. When we met, I went to get introduced so it wasn't a meeting I had to actively participate in. The number of times I spoke at the meeting and at the event last night to him was equivalent. So his first impression compared to his second was primarily from the lens that he was viewing me. These vast lenses are why I get such random job offers - personal assistant because I 'speak English good and look pretty' [yes, that was his grammar, and he was Australian - the pay was probably USD 1,000/month]; restaurant manager to 'micro-manage the staff, and it would be a great opportunity and step up' for me [this was from a restaurant owner that has been pursuing me for months, and though he knows where I work, my title and that I'm American Vietkieu, he has no concept of what I do and doesn't care to find out, but thought that by hooking me up with a job that pays USD 4,000/month that it would be equivalent to putting me up in a nice apartment and taking care of me]; and CFO at a company that is looking to go public internationally [potentially higher salary than my current one with options].

One of the celebrities was a top pop singer in Vietnam. Her recent 'scandal' was having a baby with a 'trust fund baby' and getting paid USD 1 million by him. She was treated as if she was one of the local girls chasing after the sexpats (see china anniversary).

Ho Ngoc Ha

But Ha got bitter when asked if the rumors were true that Cuong had bought her an expensive mansion abroad and other lavish gifts. “People will surely buzz about that. But I haven’t done anything wrong. Everybody who knows me will tell you how hardworking I’ve been so far. People are ignoring my serious preparations for childbirth if they think a house or a car is why I’m pregnant. But the more wicked the rumor is, the more my lover appreciates me. He understands how much I have to suffer." ~ Thanh Nien News

In a country where women are known to be the breadwinners and the men are known to be lazy, it is very ironic that the male species 'wear the pants'. The CFO is retiring and a local lady is being promoted to his position. When asked if she would continue the celebration with us after the event was over, she responded that her husband would not permit that and that he was coming to pick her up. While I never thought that the 'breadwinner' concept gave a person the right to set the rules for a relationship, I do think that it should give the person a 'voice' in a relationship. She remarked that it is not the Vietnamese way, and that the husband 'sets the rules and trains the wife'. 

I have two aunts who have husbands who have never really worked and gambled their earnings away. I have cousins who learned the same behavior from their fathers. A friend's mother has had to constantly sell off her properties and businesses that she has worked her entire life to build in order to pay off her husband's constant drinking and gambling debts - he also does not work. I find it very sad that women are not appreciated for such sufferings and sacrifices. Yet they do not leave their husbands either, whether out of stupidity, love, loyalty, tradition or some/all of the above. Who needs children when you have a husband to take care of? However, in this case, it is like saying though that the children sets the rules and tells the parents what to do. Hats off to the guy(s) who masterminded the events that got this to be the deep-seeded tradition/culture! [note the sarcasm]

hallmark holiday

It may be blasphemous to say this, especially as a woman, but I have always hated Valentine's Day. Perhaps this disenchantment with the holiday materialized at a younger age when all the single ladies got to feel as if they were losers for not getting some carnation during some charity drive in high school or some gaudy bouquet in the office. In high school, one of my classmates purchased a carnation for herself to mitigate such perception; however, when it was discovered that she purchased it rather than some secret admirer - I think every single  girl has had thoughts of doing the same thing, I couldn't help but feel really hurt for her as she was being ridiculed behind her back. That is probably when I truly developed my disgust - it was always a lose-lose day.

Today is Vietnam Women's Day. While International Women's Day (see ♀♀girl power♀♀) and Vietnam Women's Day do not single out any particular group of women, it is still another holiday where the men feel the pressure to do something for the women. Anytime someone has to remind or pressure another to do something or organize the event(s) itself and have the other pay, it tends to devalue the moment for me. There were no retailer discounts, signage/banners, etc. but the women in the office did receive small tokens including a rose. Florists had additional bouquets/arrangements to purchase for the day but it was nowhere near the volume from International Women's Day. Perhaps I was the only one who thought it was odd that in Vietnam, Vietnam Women's Day was 'second fiddle'. To my dismay, it turns out that 81 years ago, a group of Vietnamese women formed an association of anti-colonialism on this very day. Somehow I thought that it was the Vietnamese version of Rosie the Riveter.

We should not need formal or (inter)national holidays to celebrate such matters as love or the special women/men in one's life. Premiums should not be placed on items because of those holidays. The novelty of these women's days have worn off on me. I gave my tokens to my executive assistant to give as her gifts to her mother (whom she had taken off for over a year to care for), who would appreciate these gestures more than I did. For me, I would trade the pricey bouquet of flowers for the equivalent number of bouquets on regular days and have a person surprise me on random days. Better yet, when there are those small moments, whether it was a smile, a habit, a look, an experience...that made you feel it, tell (or show) me you appreciate or love me.

stone skipping (part 1)

My life is a sum of my experiences and people who have shaped me - good and bad. While we all know that we impact others, it is a rare occasion where people take the time to communicate how someone has been the tipping point in their lives and/or careers. I don't love my job, which is why I admire those who are able to turn something they love into a career. I do, however, enjoy aspects of what I do, of which one is developing and mentoring people.

Since my arrival, I have constantly heard different renditions of executives who have had issues with middle management in Vietnam. I have witnessed many of these frustrations myself at clients and our own company. Based on my observations, I am convinced that it has to do with how individuals are developed. I once heard someone say that the source of issue is due to the education system here - students are asked for the right answer rather than their thoughts on a particular topic. I have been experimenting with my various engagement teams, challenging the status quo. Because I head up one of the functions, I am also able to experiment with that particular team with limited external influences from others. There have been a number of times where a staff member would push back and say that is not how it is done here.

When a senior came into my office and shut the door at the end of the day on Tuesday, I was bracing myself for some client or internal issue that I would have to resolve. So when she noted that she heard a rumor from one of the secretaries who heard it from an associate that I was leaving, I had to laugh at the office gossip. After quizzing her for details and whether this is senior management's way to fire me or to get leads on some great opportunity someone must be aware of for me to pursue, she said in a huff that my departure is not funny.

After sobering up, I realized from her body language that she was very upset. She noted that she had learned a lot in the last few months and is starting to really love the team, including those she had either struggled with in the past and/or had reservations about. She commented that she would have to look for a new job if I left as she did not want to go back to the old culture/management style, at which point I advised her that she should never make decisions based on what someone else does but rather look at her opportunities and career options.

Group karaoke

Last night I went to a dinner for one of the other functions. Other than those that directly interact with me on engagements, others are usually shy about approaching the foreigner in the office. I was a bit surprised when one of the new managers sat down next to me to tell me that the office has changed a lot since my arrival in a very positive way and not with just my engagement teams.

Despite being initially intimidated by my review notes, he noted that it was the first time in his career that he had received constructive comments and was learning a lot that he could do on all his engagements. Perhaps his comments made me a bit vulnerable, but he was later able to convince me to do a karaoke duet with him. He also said that I should not work so hard. After I asked him why he thought I worked hard, it became apparent that he equated someone with a thin frame at my age to a workaholic - clearly he had too much beer at this stage in the night.

While many prefer to make a big splash, I prefer to be a skipping rock. A big object may make a big splash initially but it sinks quickly, and the water momentarily adapts and envelopes it. A skipping rock, on the other hand, continues to make ripples, which combined with other ripples, may result in waves and perhaps tsunamis.

sweat shop

I was asked today to sign my name to a memo regarding a new policy that dictated mandatory office hours and punitive penalties for tardiness, regardless of how much overtime is worked (i.e., no overtime pay). We are in the professional services industry which focuses on client service. This usually requires untraditional work hours in order to be responsive to clients. 

However, there are a number of individuals who have not been professional in their work ethic. Because of the passive-aggressive culture of the office, rather than addressing the matter with the specific individuals who abuse the system, leadership has decided to penalize everyone by putting more policies in place. Those with poor work ethics will always find a way to continue their behavior regardless of what policies are executed.

The HR manager who has been supporting me in expanding my team questioned me on one of the individuals I was looking to hire. She believed that the individual was too assertive and aggressive and would be hard to control. Those traits were the exact reason why I wanted to hire her. A successful consulting practice would usually include some combination of aggressive, creative, 'outside of the box'  individuals. She agreed but retorted that the individual would never survive in the company as leadership want people who can be controlled. She laughed when I said that was why I struggle everyday.

My response to the HR director regarding the memo was that if he wanted me to mandate a time to come into the office or penalize staff, then I should also mandate a time to leave or give benefits to staff. Most countries call for overtime pay for sweat shops. People tend to behave based on how they are treated - I am here to help develop professionals. If leadership wanted to issue this policy, then the force(s) behind it should own up to it rather than hide behind and have others do their handiwork. Passive-aggressive coupled with a micro-managing culture is a recipe for disaster for my INTP personality.

pda psa

The world evolves due to those innovators who constantly challenges the status quo. The Population and Community Development Association (PDA)  opened the C&C restaurant to not only generate income to fund its activities but also promote better understanding and acceptance of family planning in Thailand. The concept is simple - condoms should be as commonplace as cabbages. The restaurant is full of fun and inventive ways to promote safe sex, including ingenious outfits made with colorful condoms from all over the world.

 Surprisingly, it was one of the better dining experiences of local Thai fare!

swing high

As we were waiting for our long tailboat at Taling Chan, I found myself so enthralled by this one girl. She was the only girl with a bunch of other boys who were just hanging out on the side of the canal. She was perhaps a young teen, with wild unkempt hair. She eventually broke apart from them and started swimming over to the middle where a rope hung from a small bridge that quite honestly, I did not notice until she started to climb it. 

The water is a deep shade of sewer green. People who live along the kilometers of these streams and canals use the water to bathe, wash clothes and dishes, wash their pets, urinate, defecate and catch fish for food. With no trepidations, she repeatedly scurried up that rope, swung herself up in the air and let go...splash! My friend saw what grabbed my attention for a good 15 minutes, and remarked 'ignorance is bliss'.

I am pretty sure that the folks that live around the canals are fully aware of the vast uses of the water, including the girl. But with knowledge, there is power, and the power to decide that despite what others may think about your choices, the choice to enjoy such moments is liberating in itself. I know nothing about her and what hardships she may have to endure, but from where I sat across the canal, she seemed to have captured the simple life for a moment in time.

truth or dare

Today I received a number of messages from caring friends and family. I ignored all of them. While I appreciated the thoughts, I just wanted to forget and pretend it was like any other Sunday. I knew the day was coming up, and felt a bit torn by not being in NYC for the significant anniversary and for not being able to see the completion of the memorials after watching the big hole in the ground for years from our offices.

There were significant delays in the rebuilding of the trade centers and the memorials. Too many cooks in the kitchen with the same goal, too focused on their own agendas without listening to others or the voices of those they were trying so hard to remember. NYC changed in the aftermath. People were more tolerant, patient and helpful, which was witnessed when we had the blackout of 2003.

Whether the Holocaust or 9/11, such significant events would be wasted and the lives lost would have been for naught if we, as a global society, did not learn from it. There are a lot of unanswered questions. I always thought that it was odd that if the hijackers did such copious research that they were not aware that New Yorkers do not typically get into work until after 9 am. It is time that we dare to get to the truth.

another one bites the dust

My very first friend in my adopted birth country is relocating today with her family to Bangkok. Similar to college, it is natural to befriend coworkers, especially those who are going through similar experiences.  She not only took me under her wing and introduced me to various people but also incorporated me into her family. The connection, though, was not superficial as just coworker friends. She was in a different function but since I sat in the same area due to lack of space, her team started calling us sisters.

We have different lives and rarely hung out with each other outside of work once I started expanding my social network and since she had a son to go home to. Many of the friends whom she introduced me to have come and gone since then as I start weeding out those that are truly friends vs. acquaintances. But she has been consistent - a consistent friend who may not agree with everything I do but she tries to understand me, not judge me and give advice based on my best interest.

A few months ago, another expat had told me that she stopped making friends as the expat community is a revolving door, and it was difficult to always see people come in and out of one's life. Now that I have been here for awhile, I will have to respectfully disagree - perhaps her friendships were very superficial (and as it turns out, she was one of those I weeded out because of all the drama, jealousy and passive aggressive behavior).

So while I will miss having her constantly around, I also know that friends are always friends despite the distance. She has made the right decision for her and her family to start a new chapter in their lives.

Update: With our various business and personal trips, we have been able to see each other at least monthly, and have used skype, facetime, whatsapp, and viber to keep in touch daily. Her ex-secretary saw me recently and remarked that I look like I've gained some weight because my 'sister' has left. Upon further clarification, it was because my 'sister' was not here to eat part of my food. I found that comical - sometimes the logic here kills me.

cougartown

Today is the day I say adieu to one decade and aloha to another. There must be a correlation between aging and time flying...or is it that time is flying because I'm having fun? While the previous decade had a lot of turbulent learnings, the last decade was where the learnings turned into living. It was a decade full of good and bad moments, but the common theme was that they were all pivotal points of some sort:

• Lived through 9/11 and the aftermath. See carpe diem.
• Lost my virginity - I know that it may seem like a shock to many for different reasons: 1) for those who thought I was a sexual prowess up to that point...yeah, no...fooled you!; 2) for those who thought I would save it for marriage, well Mr. Right never came a'knockin and come on, I held off long enough. Yet one doesn't experience something like 9/11 and not think of all the things on one's bucket list. But I do apologize to the individual whom I've known had a crush on me since college and approached within the month after to start the bucket list - a bit straightfoward and definitely callous of me. However, it eventually happened with a different person and on the right terms.
• Learned to love (at least to the extent that I was capable at that point in my life).
• Purchased my first apartment. 
• Achieved the ultimate level at work. While I had eventually given up in the prior decade on seeking my parents' approval and while they still have no clue what I do, they understood enough of the accomplishment that I was told that dad teared up with pride.
• Blessed with the most loving, adventurous, curious, intelligent nieces and nephews who constantly entertain and amuse their favorite and crazy aunt (no biasness whatsoever).
• Purchased my first house.
• Experienced loss. See in loving memory.
• Became a godmother to a beautiful goddaughter with wonderful parents.
• Found me! See unanswered prayers.
• Met my soulmate, at least one of them. 😄 And while the first meet was when I was still the shy, cautious self, I got the opportunity to see him again in the confident skin, and it was much more fun. Ironically, it was because of the regrets from the first meeting that I started throwing caution to the wind - living a fearless life.
• Sold the apartment and paid off all the mortgages.
• Prioritized, packed up and relocated for new adventures.

If the pattern and momentum of history is any indication of the trajectory of my life, the next decade is bound to be better. ROAR!