reclaiming the cunt (part 2)

I chanced upon a working woman in Hong Kong many years ago (don't judge me by the color of my skin) who exuded such confidence and positive energy. Despite living and working in a country where she would be singled out due to racism, she did not let others deter her perspective on life. While I avoided situations and people who would make me feel unwanted (full circle (part 1)), she embraced the challenge full on, simply by applying the art of free will. Even when given the opportunity to frequent such establishments, she chose not to be anywhere that she was not accepted for all of her self by herself.

As mentioned in unanswered prayers, it took me many years to get comfortable in my own skin - some of that was from learning how to beautify myself (e.g., hair, makeup, and clothing) by society's standards, but most of it was from building inner confidence. Beauty standards have not only changed over the years, but are also different by different regions/countries (the quest for snow white). What is considered average size in one country is viewed as thin in another. YouTube videos depict some of these differences.

  

As my body began to develop, the cotton training bras were doing nothing to conceal my nipples, resulting in unwelcomed comments. I hid behind large clothes, which just made me look smaller. I later discovered padded bras, which I could only get once I had the money to make my own lingerie purchases. It wasn't until my return from Vietnam that my mother discovered the size of my nipples, as clearly I inherited them from my paternal lineage. I do catch her periodically staring at them. 😏

I used to purse my lips to "thin" them to avoid what I perceived as negative comments. Now celebrities and thousands of women are getting botox injections for the luscious lips look. My nipples, while still a bit of a nuisance to ensure that others don't think I'm constantly "nipping," have brought me countless amounts of pleasure as I have discovered its erogenous attributes. 

In the last year or so, my mother has randomly commented that unlike most other women, I seem to have gotten more beautiful as I aged (a bit ironic given unanswered prayers). I do not think that it is because I have been on the lucky side of standards changing but rather, like the colored woman in Hong Kong, I no longer am concerned about fitting into society's norms regardless of country. I have recognized a long time ago that I, as is every individual, am a special estate blend and vintage, and fighting nature serves no purpose other than to hurt oneself. Confidence is the only part of beauty that never changes. In working through my fear of feeling 'unwanted,' the Hong Kong stranger has taught me that I have the freedom and power to not allow anyone to take that away!

to err is human, to forgive, divine

Many years ago as I was killing time at an airport, I decided to pick up A Conversation with God by Neale Donald Walsch (see rest in peace). I had seen it in bookstores for years and although I was curious as to the contents, I was also anti-organized religion and still figuring out my thinkings around the divine. It turned out to be a trilogy, each building upon the foundation of the previous book. It was not at all what I had expected, and as one concept in the book noted, a person would generally be compelled to read the book at a time when he/she is receptive to the message.

Years before that, as I was getting my cellphone fixed at a Verizon store, I had a riveting conversation with a stranger. He was the spouse of the store manager. He and their kids pick her up as part of their daily routine. She did not want to leave me stranded so her family ended up hanging out at the store while they waited for her. He and I got into a deep discussion on religion, and he introduced me to an interesting thought that the spiritual leaders of Christianity (Jesus Christ), Muslim (Muhammad), Buddhism (Siddhartha Gautama), etc. all studied from the same school/temple. Jesus' life between 13 and 30 are not covered in the Holy Bible, although other historical relics seem to indicate that he traveled east, as far as India, and learned from the spiritually advanced eastern civilizations.

When I was in high school, I turned to religion during some troubling times. At that point, I was such a fanatic that I was convinced my parents would go to hell lest they accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior. It was an ongoing personal quest until one day, my mother declared that their Buddha is my Jesus. This gave me pause, and something I could not reconcile until over a decade later. So the concept that their teachings were founded from the same core place made a lot of sense to me. Many of the lessons in each religion have overlapping themes. The trilogy built on that initial foundation for me.

Similar to my thoughts in 22, these spiritual leaders do not have to be mutually exclusive. The thought that there is no hell (see rest in peace), with living in the 3D to experience life, as we are all part of one divine universe, being the closest to hell, so to speak, was mind boggling. Hitler, the current POTUS...these are individuals that rise to power from a collective consciousness that occurs to provide humankind an opportunity to evolve. Many fear that the current POTUS is setting the world back decades; however, the global solidarity and activism stemming from opposition to such (pussy riots) are at least different reactions to Hitler when even the United States was complacent until Pearl Harbor forced its hand.

My college roommate's ex at the time had always lived with tremendous Catholic guilt although her family and friends fully supported her homosexuality. When I read this trilogy, the first person I had thought of was her. When I reached out to her to perhaps suggest the trilogy, her response was that she had read them months before, and she had never been happier, releasing the guilt and truly accepting who she is.

The Little Soul and the Sun: A Children's Parable by the same author illustrates one of the concepts in the series that was instrumental to my learning of forgiveness. Knowing that someone's negative action was from an experience I had asked for before this life helped me to minimize blaming in my mind. It still did not prevent the hurt as I would not be experiencing life if I was not feeling hurt and any other negative feelings that come from such interactions and related lessons. Understanding that someone was living out his/her soul contract with me though has helped me process those moments better, at least when I'm conscious enough to take a step back to remind myself of that. As noted in jer-bear, my karma is the only thing that I have learned that I could change.

During that time, I had a few colleagues who "stabbed me in the back" due to fear and jealousy as the 2008 financial crisis was rearing its ugly head, and this really helped me to turn the other cheek, as difficult as it was to do so. Ultimately, it got me to Asia, and in one situation, the karmic cycle had one of my colleagues apologizing to me years later for his continued behavior during that time. While he acknowledged that he was manipulated by others, he took full responsibility for his decisions and actions, and during his guilt, he had hoped that I would retaliate, surprised that I never did, which I know some falsely attributed to weakness. When the tables turned and I had the advantage, I still chose to do the right thing regardless of it benefitting him, which he was thankful.

We may never know how karma ultimately plays out, especially over the span of numerous lifetimes; however, with absolution and when it rains, it pours, I am thankful for the opportunities to cut the karmic ties that bind us, and hope that we all continue to pay it forward for the collective conscious to evolve in its enlightenment.

"If you cannot find a group whose consciousness matches your own, be the source of one. Others of like consciousness will be drawn to you."

Conversations with God: an uncommon dialogue, Book 2 

stone skipping (part 6)

Having the passion to develop people is a double edge sword. My career has been plagued with those who are not open to growing and feedback and so complain about someone being too tough to work with. While I have adjusted my communication styles (after learning business chemistry and Myers-Briggs), I still maintain a similar approach to teaching and developing others. In a corporate world where many are passive aggressive in their "development" of others, I clearly stand out.

When I repatriated, a person I had not met was on a call with me and the leader that she was chief of staff for. She later sent me a message that she had been waiting to meet me as she had heard so much about me from others. Of course, I joked that it was not all true as I am not that bad. Her response was that she had heard only good things about me as one of her mentors had mentioned how much he had learned from me. Another person who is now part of our quality review program mentioned to my team once that they should blame me if they think she is thorough because everything she learned on that was from me.

Sometimes, I think it makes it tough for my managers though, as they try to pay it forward by doing the same to develop junior staff, whereas other managers would not do the same. So they bear the burden of the additional time and stress. The last few weeks had been rough on one of my senior managers who has a team of a lot of either new people or resources who have not been trained properly on prior projects. The added stress had her breaking down on me earlier today; however, we both were thankful that we had the type of relationship where we could feel free to let it out on each other without judgment.

Having that type of day on a hump day made the following message that I received this evening remind me why the effort is worthwhile:

"I hope you are doing well. I wanted to say THANK YOU for your feedback and support during my time on Project Missouri. I’ve had a couple projects since then, but recently started another PMO role, though for an IT system implementation. 

I distinctly remember us chatting after one of the weekly PMO calls for Project Missouri and you provided some very helpful feedback on how I came across over the phone (i.e., not confident) and how to drive the conversation forward. I certainly have taken that to heart and it has been paying off on my current project. My SM and the client seem to be pleased with how I’ve been leading meetings and making sure things get done, and I haven’t been shy about bothering people to get their tasks and deliverables done either.

Thank you again so much – I really appreciated then and still appreciate now how you took the time to provide feedback during my time on the project."

She only worked with us for a month or so, as she was borrowed from another group. I ended up agreeing to release her early as there seemed a better opportunity that came up that would be more in line with her career trajectory. Similar to stone skipping (part 4) and moments that matter (part 3), sometimes all any of us need is for someone to believe in us when we struggle to believe in ourselves. It was also very kind of her to pay it forward by taking time to send that message. 

stone skipping (part 5)

We are sisters from another mother. Sometimes, we are blessed to run into soulmates in our lives where we just instantly connect, and they don't always have to be romantic. As another sister soulmate said..."when there is no ego and you just love unconditionally, you just know those are friendships for life".

Songkran with many blessings

For a time, she was my work wife. We looked out for each other (and those that were part of our posse), but also did silly things like sneak around and switch phones when we were convinced that my phone was tapped by the CEO. She was married at a young age and as with many Vietnamese women, had the bad luck of marrying a lazy, abusive Vietnamese man. However, she had such inner strength. She went after her dreams even if it meant being a single mother and turning a blind eye to traditions. When we met, we were both lost in our own way personally.

In many ways, we were similar but in some, we were different. Yet, with unconditional love, we also didn't judge each other for our decisions and respectfully accepted each other's views, especially when we were challenging each other.

I was pleasantly surprised when I got a heartfelt card by "snail mail" for my birthday in 2014, especially in the age of social media and texting when it becomes a simple exercise to wish someone birthday wishes.

"Time flies, it has been more than a year since you left Vietnam but I still remember the time that you were around. I enjoyed the time with you a lot, walking back home at night with you. We, two women kept walking and laughing. Sometimes, I had to follow you to the corner of the street closed by your apartment just to have more time to talk to you. 😮

You are one of the amazing persons that had come to my life. I am greatful that I've known you. You are inspiring me to a better meaning of life, a breakthrough to the success of my CPA exams and changed the lens that I'm looking to this world.

I miss the time with you and I MISS YOU.

On the occasion of your birthday this year, I would like to say thank you for being with me, teaching me different things during your time in Vietnam and inspiring me. I wish your time in Vietnam would be longer even I know my wishes and your wishes may be very different. 😊

I wish you a very very happy birthday and many many more happy birthdays!" [sic]

I used to be disappointed on Valentine's Day (hallmark holiday), despite the brave face we all (I) try to put on that it is just another day, when I did not have someone to celebrate it with (even when I was formally with someone). However, on this day, I am grateful for the soul sisters (and brothers) that I have in my life that remind me that I am loved after all. She also recently had her soulmate return in her life, and will have a wonderful reason to celebrate this day and infinite days ahead. Another beautiful soul who deserves all the love in the world. I am so proud of her for following her dreams and her much deserved accomplishments, including a soon-to-be partner of the firm. She also reminds me that it is never too late to be thankful and let others know that they are appreciated.

I miss my sissie! 

reclaiming the cunt (part 1)

When The Da Vinci Code came out in 2006, I was intrigued by the theory proposed regarding Mary Magdalene's role in Jesus' life. The Gospel of Mary is controversial, and while I knew about Constantinople's role in the Holy Bible, it did not really occur to me how determining "appropriate" texts could result in repressing and marginalizing an entire gender. While Eve may have been created from Adam's rib, Mary (whether the virgin mother or Magdalene, often packaged with the story of the prostitute) played dominant roles in the New Testament. In some manuscripts, others have noted that Jesus loved Mary more than the other apostles.

"an intriguing glimpse into a kind of Christianity lost for almost fifteen hundred years...[it] presents a radical interpretation of Jesus' teachings as a path to inner spiritual knowledge; it rejects His suffering and death as the path to eternal life; it exposes the erroneous view that Mary of Magdala was a prostitute for what it is—a piece of theological fiction; it presents the most straightforward and convincing argument in any early Christian writing for the legitimacy of women's leadership; it offers a sharp critique of illegitimate power and a utopian vision of spiritual perfection; it challenges our rather romantic views about the harmony and unanimity of the first Christians; and it asks us to rethink the basis for church authority."

~ Karen King

While Asian women may be the "breadwinners" (me love you long time (part 6)), they, as well as women in many other countries have been repressed their entire lives for countless generations - sexually, professionally, etc. (see taking it all off). Although I grew up in America, Americans, while more passive than Asian countries, still have a lot of progress to be made in this journey, as we still condone slut shaming and gaslighting women as acceptable practices. I spent most of my life and career trivializing and/or masking my femininity for these reasons. I have been guilty of stating many times that I have penis envy and want to be a man in my next life.

While I have fully recognized my role to pay it forward after having to learn to adapt to the business environment and pave the way for other women in the workplace (reclaiming the cunt (part 5)), I am realizing that part of my journey is embracing the divine feminine (trifecta and pussy riots) in all aspects of my life. The Vagina Monologues has evolved from a play on sexuality into a movement called V-Day to address violence against women and girls and One Billion Rising Revolution to address exploitation of women globally. While these may initially address issues to women, the awareness would have repercussions to all, which is the true objective of feminism. Fathers benefit from paternity leave as an extension of maternity leave, for example.

My first true exposure to vaginas, other than my own of course with the help of a mirror, was pornography. I was not aware that they come in all shapes and sizes (and smells). Artwork and sculpture like the David prominently display the male genitalia while the female one is hidden behind drapes, leaves and/or a simple slit. This attributes to the distortion that women have of our own genitalia and has resulted in labiaplasty being all the rage, including with 12 year-olds as supported by their mothers. The clamshell look is called the "Barbie" in the plastic surgery world.

Cunts ... and Other Conversations, MONA

The Museum of Old and New Art (MONA) in Hobart, Tasmania (Australia) showcases 151 life size porcelain vulvas called "Cunts ... and Other Conversations" by Greg Taylor and friends. The models ranged from 18 to 78, Atheists to Muslims, models to doctors, and virgins to bisexuals. All participated in the hopes of wanting women "to be free of growing up with fear, ignorance and loathing of their bodies and sexuality". With such diversity, I would say 99.9999% of the cunts in the world are "normal". I was able to find mine in all her glory and beautiful form.

Happy V-Day!!

hug it out

Sometimes I purchase packages to remind me to pamper myself. Unfortunately, I do forget what I have out there. Luckily, when I did this in Vietnam, the establishments would remember me even years later when I would visit as a tourist and remind me what I have left (at your service). It occurred to me that if I am moving soon, I need to start wrapping these up so to kick off the week, I decided to get a blow out on a nice Sunday funday.

As the stylist was shampooing my hair, just like that she declares that she is going to give me a hug before I leave. She had noted that my hands were full with froyo when I walked in; otherwise, she would have just hugged me then. It is a funny concept in that it is foreign for strangers to just hug, but we both were commenting on how beautiful this world would be if strangers just hugged - make love, not war. 

It reminded me of the Free Hugs campaign where strangers with Free Hugs signs approach people in public places offering to give hugs. People's reactions in NYC was mixed when this first came out with some actually cringing and rushing off from strangers approaching them for hugs. Years later though, it became so commonplace that people just gathered and lined up to hug anyone. It started in Australia from "Juan Mann" who was depressed and lonely until a random stranger hugged him at a party, and it was the difference he needed. The Sick Puppies made it viral from a YouTube music video.

While it was not International Free Hugs Day (yes, that is a thing as the first Saturday after June 30), it was wonderful to feel the positive energy and vibrations from Dee as she gave me a genuine warm embrace to jump start the week. Valentine's Day tends to be overhyped to accentuate couple privilege and in so doing, isolates many singles, but in the end, it is about professing love and honoring love in all forms. Someone out there clearly knew I needed a hug, and it was manifested in a random act of kindness from a stranger.

when it rains, it pours

California has been in a state of emergency with a 5-year drought. This season's snow and rainfall has resulted in only 51% of the state remaining in drought compared to 95% last year. The Sierra Nevada snowpack, which provides a third of the state's water normally, was at 173% of average, the highest level since 1995. The constant rain has resulted in a leaky roof, seeping into the bedroom, as well as water levels in the basement, which resulted in taking out the pilot light of the hot water heater since the water pump could not keep up with the rising water.

It also seems to be raining men as well. Since I had deleted all my online dating accounts, I have had almost half of the people I have met in the last couple of years contact me, men I have not seen in as long as 6 months to almost 1.5 years ago - all but one were men who we went on one to three or so dates. The initial one was on January 13, which I viewed as weird happenings on Friday the 13th and remnants of the full moon so I did not respond; however, after absolution and two others this past Tuesday, it no longer seemed so coincidental.

It feels as if I have been dealt The Fool tarot card. It is either the first (#0) or last (#22) major arcana card, representing a new beginning and carefree adventure, and consequently, an end to the old life. In so doing, he lets go of all the trappings of the old with all his worldly possessions in a small sack, and has blind faith and innocence in enjoying the present moment. It seems that part of my letting go required me to perhaps get some sort of resolution with some past soul contracts that are not over.

When I met one of the men this morning, it was interesting to discover that we are both looking to make some drastic changes this year, including travel and career changes. He is also hoping to enjoy life and be more deliberate in finding happiness. One of the other guys had mentioned that he was ready to start taking "ownership of [his] life" as well.

When the other gentleman asked if I found what I was looking for as he noticed my OKCupid account was gone, he then asked whether I felt that I made a mistake meeting him as I explained that online dating was changing me and I needed to get back to the part of me that I love. I told him that I no longer see life as mistakes (11:11 (part 4)), and when things do not work out the way we want it, it is when we learn more about ourselves than if it did work out.

I was not expecting some of his following statements given our short stint together:

"...[want to be] in a place in my life to be a worthy companion for you...I think spending time with you is great for me. I like being held to a high standard. I want to grow."

With Valentine's Day coming up, there are so many relationship advice articles on my social media feeds. One had a headliner that read, "[m]en marry women thinking they won't change and they do; women marry men thinking they will change and they don't." I have never had any desire to change someone (see me love you long time (part 7)) and believe that unconditional love requires loving someone for who he/she is (e.g., beliefs, values, past, hopes and dreams), supporting him/her along his/her journey.

But I do believe that people can change, if they so desire. I seem to have been blessed in encountering some of these men in the last couple of years, who are learning more about themselves and being more honest and genuine in how they engage with others, including exhibiting their kindness with someone they barely know. I always wanted to find a partner in crime to explore life, and it would seem as if I am finding a few partners in crime to support each other in our quests. I now have a weekend coding partner...now I just need to learn how to code. 😊

* * * * *

Update February 26, 2017:

Más uno más. Quizás dos.

Update March 20, 2017:

Goodness, two more but the last round includes people who do not bring positive energies.

the girl with the dragon tattoo

As noted in 22 based on my life experiences, free will and fate are not mutually exclusive to me. With hindsight, we have the benefit of 20/20, but it is difficult to be conscientious of signs when we are so close to the fire and hubbub of everyday life. A few times in my life, I've ran into the concept that every person we interact with in this lifetime was due to a soul contract that we made prior to this incarnation in order to specifically experience something (e.g., repay karmic debt). For this reason, I have learned to easily forgive and not hold grudges, as the person is playing out a prearrangement (see to err is human, to forgive, divine). 

With an analytical and scientific/mathematical mind that constantly needed stimulation, the consulting life, troubleshooting issues with innovative solutions, seemed to fulfill that drive...for a while. A global consulting firm afforded me the ability to switch what I was doing every 3-5 years. However, it provided a safe haven to be complacent for over 20 years, which is unheard of in today's millennial age.

The second catalyst catapulted me to Asia...finally. I had always wanted to immerse myself in another culture, yet in that complacency was the excuse of waiting until I had a significant other to share the experience. The longer the delay though, the more difficult it becomes at an executive level. Yet, my experience as a single person was drastically different than what it would have been coupled or with family. Fate knew I needed a kick, and gave me the incentive to exert my "free will".

That experience has given me a whole new lease on life. It also brought me to the technology capital of the world. I used to say that I would have loved to have majored in forensic science (minority of minorities) had all the crime shows of the 1990s been around a decade earlier; I also would say that I admired people who found their passion, and got frustrated when others did not follow their dreams, as I struggled to find my passion.

* * * * *

Stieg Larsson's Millenium trilogy became a blockbuster around the time that I was preparing for my relocation. I loved the crime mystery aspect of the series, as well as the character development. Lisbeth Salander was a complex character that made her lovable, despite her hard edges, with rare glimpses into her vulnerabilities. Interestingly, I had a number of friends and colleagues, including an ex, who likened me to her (or vice versa) (what's your sign?). I would like to say it is because of her brilliant mind, but the reality is that it is a mix of that as well as her quirky, no nonsense personality, developed from a troubled past.

During this last period of encounters, he taught me differences between white, black and grey hats when he was telling me about one of his favorite conferences that he attended earlier that year whereby FBI Director James Comey keynoted. A year later, I met a man, who recently initiated contact again. He had quit his day job as a trader in order to go back to school and pursue his passion as a software engineer. He initially had taught himself as a hobby until he realized that he enjoyed it more than the financial gains of a trader at an investment bank. I admired that aspect of him, despite the lack of work/life balance at the time. As noted in absolution, it is also an attribute that I also love about twin flame/soulmate/whatever-you-want-to-call-it.

Another friend had recently attended the Lesbians Who Tech conference in NYC last fall after being awarded a scholarship and decided to get certified in coding upon her return. My MacBook Pro had been showing its last legs since I returned from winter holiday. My plan was to stretch her life until I got to the next chapter of my life, hopefully later this year. Fate thought otherwise and decided to completely burn through her lifeline (i.e., charger) this weekend. After a quick chuckle with divine timing, I once again made my fourth trip to the Apple store in the last couple of weeks to replace her, where the Apple representatives and my phone-a-friend convinced me to upgrade to one that would handle advanced graphics (and coding). My lesbian friend's partner later texted me to get together this weekend, as I have not seen them in over 6 months.

I had attempted twice before to submit my resume to headhunters in Singapore; however, at my level, I have been told that it is difficult to convince companies that I am not looking for a lateral move, plus being overseas, it makes it more difficult for local companies to take the candidate seriously given the relocation risk. During my recent Singapore trip, a friend recommended for me to get a student visa instead. We joked about taking Spanish in Singapore (parlez vous français?), but I was thinking about software engineering at the time the seed was planted.

With the new POTUS comes "alternative facts". During the election, Wikileaks and Anonymous, as well as "fake news," played pivotal roles in influencing the outcome and the subsequent aftermath of the changing of the guards. While Wikileaks received a lot of press on the surprising defeat of the favored candidate, both have recently declared war on POTUS, who has blacked out media from transparency in favor of alternative facts. I have never been caught up in politics, but the current POTUS does seem to naturally incite an immense desire, even in me, for solidarity and activism (pussy riots).

my favorite tat

Last week, I received a random email that I was allotted an RSA conference pass. It turns out that was the conference that he attended about cyber security with Comey as keynote. So, was it coincidental that during a trip to Boracay (stone skipping (part 2)) when my team wanted a shared experience of getting henna tattoos and after telling the tattoo artist to surprise me, that he spent hours on the beach while we drank cold cervezas to imprint me with a dragon? I may have found a new accessory...grey hat! 😏

I have also been known in the past for saying I prefer to be ANONYMOUS (at your service and trifecta).

stone skipping (part 4)

She had joined my team about two years ago...your typical shy yet hard working Asian woman. In the consulting world, especially in the U.S., it takes a certain ilk to not only survive but also be successful. It definitely is not cut out for most, and for some it is only sustainable for a few years. There is a fine line of deferring to hierarchy vs. independence and self motivation/thinking. 

While I tend to spend time to coach my immediate teams, I do have a general responsibility to ensure that those in the Bay Area are also progressing, and although initially she was not on my projects, we started picking her up to coach her as she seemed to have the potential even though performance was average, but in the consulting world, if one is not "wowing," it oftentimes gets viewed as lackluster.

Unbeknownst to me, she was put on the short list, and I received a text from her on a Friday last fall that that day was her last day. After making a few calls, the call with her was tough for me, as I was torn between the reaction of a partner and the reaction of a human being, when she was pleading that I should talk to all her managers as she thought due to the messaging that it was because of poor performance. 

Ultimately, I teared from the disappointment in the firm that I had spent over 23 years sacrificing blood, sweat and tears. We did this during the financial crisis of mid to late 1990s, and 2007-2009. While business is business, how we treat our biggest assets...our people, is a mark of a company's culture. In the last decade, our refusal to call any of our cuts layoffs and rather mark them as "performance issues" is very demeaning.

During our lunch today, she reminded me of our conversation during her compensation meeting over the summer. In trying to troubleshoot the "oomph" that she needed to take things up a notch, it became clear that she lacked confidence despite her abilities. She acknowledged that she had struggled with that her whole life. 

She spent much of the lunch to thank me for that conversation as it served as a huge catalyst to her in life as she realized it made her "lazy," and that her biggest regret was not being let go but that she had wanted to demonstrate to me that she could be and is that confident woman the next time we had our compensation discussion this summer. She noted that she has applied that at her new position and that her first impression has been great with her new partner and director. She did not have to wait for the next phantom compensation meeting, as she clearly demonstrated it to me today. It was such a beautiful sight to see her glow, basking in herself.

* * * * *

Today had me remembering stone skipping (part 1), as another of my team members had approached me over the past summer to give me 12-18 months to depart. It would appear as if I was holding certain people back out of their own loyalties. Both women have been recent catalysts in their own way to walking tree...new or old roots. I also recently had a conversation with one of my leaders, who just got promoted again, and gave him an earful from me for him to be a better leader than what was demonstrated above. 

He ended the conversation asking me what he can do to make me happy, as I have had a great year metrics wise and my investments in building out this practice is paying tangible and intangible dividends. My response was for him to focus on being a passionate yet kind leader that we had always talked about, and I will focus on my own happiness.

stone skipping (part 3)

He recently asked me when I mentioned how I get pulled into various friends' drama why I bother. He commented that it is a choice one makes as to whether to get involved or not regardless of someone else pulling you in. I understand where he is coming from based on his recent experience with his ex pulling his friends into their drama. It is a choice, but it is also a choice for those to get involved for positive or negative reasons, as well as to be used in a game between others or to be catalysts for others' growth.

After the recent self destructive stage (see ignorance is bliss and moments that matter (part 2)), I allowed myself to be pulled into others' drama. I lost sight of me during that period. Truth be told, I wanted to get lost, hoping it would numb my pain to focus on others. However, a few friends have made me realize that I have lost ME, and let the timid 13 year-old back in to be emotionally beat down (see full circle (part 1)). I allowed myself to be used rather than to recognize when others have no intention of learning and growing and to walk away from such toxicity. 2017 is my dedication to ME. While I do not intend to neglect others who ask for help, I also will only invest in those that invest in themselves.

The stone skipping series will be reminders to me of this commitment as part of focusing on my passion, kindness and love (walking tree...new or old roots).

* * * * *

She was a bit of a dichotomy when I first met her. She had heard about opportunities to learn and grow in my group and wanted the challenge although she had no previous experience. She personally was shy but a natural leader in the office as she would volunteer to lead social gatherings and groups. Naturally, she did not view herself as a leader.

From a personal perspective, she was constantly in and out of diets. Her body type was average by Vietnamese standards and thin by world standards. Her peers were all talking about dating and marriage, and as a woman in her mid to late 20s, she was passed her prime. She had never dated at that time and had no father figure. Her mother was the world to her, and she was the world to her mother. She had such idealistic views of romance with a knight in shining armor magically showing up to sweep a woman off her feet.

She was driven to do more in life, and recognized her passion to be part of corporate sustainability programs, something completely foreign in a country that pollutes and does not embrace social responsibility.

I used to joke with her that she should do what I did in my 20s and walk around in the nude until she got comfortable with all her jiggly parts. We also discussed how it would probably be healthy for her to move out and be more independent so that her mother would not feel obligated to always prioritize her and therefore, would not live her own life, as they did everything together - two peas in a pod.

It wasn't until the video in stone skipping (part 2) when she informed me that she did walk around naked and will no longer go on diets as she learned to be comfortable in her own skin. After my departure, she moved to Singapore and over time, got herself into courses on sustainability. She also started dating someone, who at the time, I was slightly concerned as he was her immediate supervisor, older and had never really had a relationship either. I had felt that he may be taking advantage of her innocence and his power...regardless, I had suggested that at least she was mindful of the situation, especially since they moved in together within a month of dating.

Last month when I saw her in Singapore, it was inspiring to see the woman before me. She was selected as one of two Global Green Economic ambassadors to travel to Antartica, published in the Singapore Environmental Council newsletter, traveled to parts of the world that I have not had the chance to venture (and brings her mother to some of those trips), and is graduating soon with a job already in place. Her relationship has lasted over two years, and she has realized that despite her views on Prince Charming, her boyfriend has been good for her as he is patient when her temper flares, which is allowing her to work on her self as well. She seems to be more mature than I was in my first relationship which was at an older age. She also noted that it is liberating to not feel rushed to get married.

She has a job lined up to be a sustainability consultant upon graduation, and realizes that it is a stepping stone to her dream of a career in corporate social responsibility, especially now that Singapore mandates sustainability reporting. In less than 5 years of meeting her, she has quickly followed her dreams. Her mother is also free to follow her dreams - she has a boyfriend now as well.

I am very blessed to have met her as I have no doubts that she will do great things in her life. She spent our lunch advising me to move to Singapore as she thought it was a great place for my soul and my dichotomy of East and West. Trust me...the irony was not lost on me.