baby steps

As part of my quest to enter the world of hats and hoods (the girl with the dragon tattoo), I officially graduated from my first coding class tonight. I always thought that in the age of millennials when graduation was not just the 12th grade but every little milestone like kindergarten was a bit "hokey" and potentially bred "narcissists" where everyone is a "winner".

For a few weeks, there were rumblings as to whether the students would invite others to our graduation ceremony as nobody wanted to be an outlier. I was surprised at the turnout as there were mixtures of significant others, parents and friends there to support the graduates. As part of our graduation ceremony, we had to present a project that we developed using concepts we learned in class.

My class consisted mostly of 20 somethings looking to change their careers as administrative personnel and/or an opportunity in a market that is dominated by men. As it was a part-time program, we flitted in and out and primarily got to know each other from extracurricular activities like coding brunch or pairing partners. It was fascinating today to see the varied programs that my classmates developed, and more interestingly, the stories behind their projects and/or how some never thought they would have the opportunity to be a software engineer.

While I initially chose Hackbright Academy as I believed in their mission (reclaiming the cunt (part 5)), having a taste of this world, I am torn about continuing with an intense bootcamp of all women vs. a co-ed bootcamp program. Since much of the coding world is "sharing" to enrich humanity, I soon realize that there is a lot to be learned from people who think "differently," whether from different walks of life and/or gender brain make-up. Diversity to me is like sum of its parts (concept of holism).

Regardless of the path I eventually choose, I am grateful to be part of a class of women who chose to take the first step to shifting the future, as well as an organization that enables women to feel safe to do so. I know that we will always have a support network with each other for the rest of our lives. While it was tough initially with work travel schedule and deadlines and using my brain again in such a technical way, I have discovered that I have found a passion that has caused me to just code for hours and completely lose track of time. As the saying goes..."time flies when you're having fun".

In the end, I enjoyed the graduation ceremony (rather than getting hooded, as red hoodies are saved for bootcamp graduates, we got t-shirts to commemorate the occasion) and in its simplicity of a prep class, it was such a great accomplishment to advance from crawling to walking...and like a dragon, it will be so exciting to finally get my wings and fly!!

11:11 (part 7)

Goats...something about goats all day.

sweet tooth

I have always loved surprises and the magic behind them. In a similar context, I'm not a fan of tradition for its routine as in hallmark holiday, but I have discovered that vibrant colors of flowers make me happy. I prefer wildflowers over roses.

On this beautiful summer day, sweet peas seemed like a perfect treat to go w ith some sweet peaches at a farmers' market. I've always liked sweet peas because they are such non-traditional flowers, but must have never had them. As I wandered the neighborhood, casually strolling and running errands, I would catch glimpses of a fragrant summer breeze, which seemed to put a smile on my face and spring in my step. It wasn't until hours later when a retailer commented, that I realized the seductive fragrance was coming from my sweet peas.

The afternoon ended with another great find...Salt & Straw. It's a homemade ice cream shop hailing from Portland. As my main client is based there, it was a bucket list item to try its different and exotic flavors. However, with the constant long lines and our busy work schedule and deadlines, I had only made it there once. My team had told me rumors that one was being opened in San Francisco soon, as I was constantly trying to recruit them to partake in my sweet tooth adventures, with very little luck - such is my karma to be surrounded by healthy individuals who do not crave sugar.

Lo and behold to my surprise, the ice cream parlor opened up in my hood. Roasted strawberry tres leches and honey lavender sound like such perfect blends of molecular gastronomy, paired with a sunny day. Summer has always been my favorite season, and with a new neighbor in town, this summer will be filled with some sweet indulgence. 💋

safe haven

The body has a way of displaying symptoms and/or 'cry for help' before things get too dire. A couple of years ago, my body was doing weird things for months. At first, I ignored them as signs of aging. I even wondered if somehow I was pregnant. Ultimately, it resulted in such a pain that prevented me from walking normally. Luckily, my parents were visiting when I had to go to an urgent care facility. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease that does not have a common cause that triggers it. Over time, I realized that my trigger is intense stress and my body's communication to slow down, which has led me to rethink my life (and career in the girl with the dragon tattoo).

At the endodontist today, I learned that abscess is a way for the tooth to signal that its nerve, although not necessary for daily functioning, is being attacked, regardless of whether one is experiencing pain. Last weekend, my hair stylist relayed a story about a friend who she used to be close with until recent addictions pushed them apart. After her second pregnancy, possibly due to postpartum depression, the friend had recollections of childhood trauma - molestation.

Up until then, she had a relatively normal life, which consisted of a happy marriage and family. However, despite intense therapy, she was not able to cope with the sudden flash of memories and have been fighting addiction ever since, at the demise of her marriage, family and friendships. Unfortunately, despite her ex-husband's attempts, she does not have much interaction with her children either.

Although my college friends and some close friends have encouraged me to perhaps try hypnosis and/or therapy to re-discover part of my past and memories prior to fifth grade (an eye for an eye, ftale, and moments that matter (part 1)), I have let go of the curiosity a while back (moments that matter (part 6)), fully recognizing that my mind, like my body, knows when to go into 'self-preservation' mode. 

While I would like to think that given my growth over the years, I would be able to face any demons head on, I have full faith that when the time is right, even if that is not at all, the gates will be released. Until then, I am grateful for that temporary blockage in order for me to get closer to enlightenment and happiness. In the meantime, I am sending out positive energy to my stylist's friend that her mind would help her do the same until she can gather her strength to fight her darkness, rather than let it continue to engulf her.

full circle (part 4)

Remember all those slumber party pranks - frozen underwear, whipped cream facial, short sheeting beds, ouija boards, body art, and phone calls? The stories would circulate the playground. I was so excited when I got the invite...finally, I made the short list as one of the cool kids. This was going to be better than and make up for full circle (part 6).

When the birthday girl called to let me know that the party was canceled, I was so bummed that I called my close friend to commiserate. My friend had not gotten the call yet. I did not expect the next call when the birthday girl informed me that the party indeed was not canceled but I was disinvited. It appears as if one of the cooler girls had reservations about spending the night under the same roof as an Asian. My mother never allowed me to go to any future slumber parties after that, which felt as if I was unfairly being punished for someone else's transgressions.

The irony is that all three women are Facebook 'friends'. The girl who had issues with an Asian apparently would contact one of the couple of the childhood friends that I kept in touch with as an adult periodically as she would hear I may be in town during college years and would try to invite herself to events. I believe she may have been one of the people who commented that my lack of attending high school reunions and/or not accepting friend requests came off as elitist, and I must have thought I was too good for everyone since I know was a "big time city girl". Sometimes, you can't win.

Facebook 'friends' are an interesting breed as people are more curious and it's used as a passive stalking mechanism than actual friendships. I have not spoken to many of these people since my childhood. As my commitment to ME and cleaning house (walking tree...new or old roots), I thought about defriending certain people, including those that are not active friends. But doesn't it create negative karma again to do something petty in retaliation for something so long ago?

From the Facebook newsfeed, the 'racist' girl has a son who is homosexual. She's also experienced financial hardships as well as a personal loss of a baby. Perhaps karma has made its way around but she seems to be a more positive person and a caring and loving mother, accepting her son and supporting him in the LGBTQ community. While it may mean nothing to them although it may have meant something at some point when they sent friend requests a few years ago, it occurred to me that I have forgiven the parties involved. It was a time when parents and peers influenced our thinkings and behaviors. They, as well as I, are different people, and while I will still defriend some people, it will be limited to those who clutter my newsfeed with negativity and hatred, such as those with hateful posts stemming from pussy riots.

I am thankful for a few things from this incident. The sister of the birthday girl made the birthday girl call me to tell me the truth when she found out what occurred. I have learned that I always prefer truth, no matter how hurtful it may be, as it gives me power to make my own decisions rather than be a helpless victim to others' lies. It saved me from a lot of embarrassment at school the few days afterwards when I would eventually discover the reality and probably made myself look more foolish by reacting in hurt of the 'unwantedness'. As is, it may have just been limited to a handful of people that knew about it, at least one can hope. I am also thankful for my mother (full circle (part 3)) who upon seeing how devastated her daughter was all weekend had the mind to protect her the best way she knew how...taking the power to disinvite from others and bearing the brunt of my anger for years. Of course, these are all things that the 10 year-old was not mature enough to process.

Today is the birthday girl's birthday. Happy birthday!!

standing taller

While I usually provide a link to any blog post that features any particular person as a courtesy, I don't always do it, depending on the circumstances. One of my cousins had posted that her son sent her flowers, even though she had communicated in the past that she had told her boys not to waste money on flowers for her, so I had provided the link to full circle (part 3) on her post given the similar theme.

I had not provided my mother the link as I am not sure she is aware of my blog but also hesitated because I did not want her to misinterpret it as stirring up the past. I was surprised when I woke up the next morning to the following message:

"After I read your story on full circle, I cried a lot. I didn't mean to be ugly to you like you thought when you were young. When I said you didn't look pretty when you was a baby and you look pretty when you grow up that I mean I'm proud of that because who care about baby long you look pretty when you grow up that is important but you already mad so I can't explain more what I want to said so I didn't have a chance to said more.

I alway love you very much but some reason you always mad at me so I didn't have a change to show that. Now I'm so happy find out you understand me more. I'm sorry for anything I did make you said [sic] and thought you was adopt baby for a long time like that.

I'm happy we understand each other now. You taught me a lot so now I didn't keep everything for my self. I stand up. [sic]" 

Similar to truth in the truth shall set you free, apologies have no expiration date. While I may have forgiven her a long time ago for my own well being, it still was cathartic to read those words of apology, similar to the colleague in to err is human, to forgive, divine.

As in absolution, I have always believed that it is never too late to let someone know how you feel. More importantly, I am proud of my mother, like my cousin in stone skipping (part 8), that she has found her voice and choosing to use it to stand up for herself.

* * * * *

On a related but unrelated note and as I noted in the truth shall set you free, I recently found an email from my ex from moments that matter (part 4). It reminded me why he was such an easy soul to love, and as was my mother's message today, his message was unexpected as it had been months after I had repatriated.

"This is long overdue, but I have been meaning to write to you to send an apology.

During your last couple of days in Vietnam I had not been a very good companion. After you had left, I had felt some guilt for some time about this but had not been able to digest what was going on with myself at the time. Over the past couple of months I have been able to gain some further insight and learn a bit more about what was going on with myself. 

One of the results of my own recovery efforts has been a lack of familiarity with intimacy. During your last couple of days in Saigon, this was ever apparent. As much as I wanted to enjoy the time with you, I was not sure of how to do this and was, honestly, a bit afraid to extend myself knowing that you were leaving. I was not entirely sure of what we had or where it was going and this was affecting my involvement. I should have been more open and honest with you about this and apologize for not doing so. I do feel that I left you a bit confused as you were leaving and was not a very pleasant person to be around as you were extending yourself.

You have been great support to me, and I have enjoyed all the time that we spent with each other even if it did not seem that way. I do hope that we have the opportunity to catch up again soon as well here in the US. I am not sure where you stand, but I am here as a friend if you need anything."  

The "lack of familiarity with intimacy" was ironic coming from the man who taught me to embrace intimacy. These gestures remind me that I have been blessed to find very kind, courageous and gracious men in my life, as well as a mother who has learned to embrace her femininity of vulnerability and masculinity of standing up for her "self".

full circle (part 3)

I have had a theory that my mother was not my birth mother for most of my life(...do as the romans do). Initially, it was something that was developed by a child to rationalize why she was treated so differently from her siblings, beyond your typical birth order behaviors. It felt as if everything about me caused some sort of resentment from her. 

My dad was a military 'brat' so during the war, it was possible that I could have been a 'love child'. Of course, what child would not romanticize that he/she was conceived from love. The 10-year age difference; looks and personality/traits, which were never linked to anything on my maternal side; and the conflict of the stories about the timing of their marriage, my 'conception,' my birth, family pressures for my mother to get married, etc. all fueled my theory. I was determined to resolve this during my assignment in Vietnam. However, when I quizzed my relatives in NYC and Vietnam, not only do they not agree on the month my parents got married but also disagree on the seasons, similar to my parents not agreeing.

The fear of 'unwantedness' stemmed from a reality of a lost child who was strapped with a lot of responsibilities as a toddler (full circle (part 8)) and a mother who constantly told her that she was fat and ugly (unanswered prayers). My uncle in Vietnam remembered that when I was a baby/toddler, I would throw tantrums any time I was taken care of by my maternal grandmother, wanting to go to my paternal grandmother's house instead (in loving memory). Children can be very perceptive, for a reason.

When I asked someone how he got into BDSM (ftale), it was not quite as dark as Christian Grey; however, as an adopted child, it was the one part of his life where he had any semblance of control. He eventually found his birth mother, which while it provided an answer to a missing part of his life, it did not resolve his need for control, in some form.

It took many years of tumultuous fights, long periods of silence, lots of resentment on both sides, and perhaps a mutual desire to not just ignore the situation for us to get to where we are today. The final breakthrough, at least from my perspective, was when I realized and communicated to her that she treated me like her mother treats her. Something about relating to a feeling provides a very real perspective and reality. 

My mother goes out of her way to take care of her mother while her siblings selfishly turn their backs on their mother. Yet, despite that, my grandmother talks lovingly of all her other children while bashing my mother in front of anyone who will listen. For a bit, I thought perhaps I was sensitive to this given the treatment I bore with my mother for years. However, my mother's cousin recently visited them before Thanksgiving last year. When I saw her at Thanksgiving, she was amazed at how 'nasty' my mother's mother was when talking about my mother. 

While I have very little respect for my maternal grandmother, I respect that my mother still cares for her, whether from obligation or from love. Perhaps, the one thing I am to learn from my mother is an example of what it means to love someone unconditionally (although I also do not think that requires for someone to consistently put up with abuse, physically or emotionally) or perhaps she is repaying her karmic debt.

I have gone back and forth for decades on whether to get a DNA test to confirm or invalidate my theory and put it to rest. However, regardless of that outcome, she is still the only mom I know. While many of her early behaviors were learned behaviors, I do admire that she has tried, as much as she is capable of doing, of breaking those at her own pace. Someone once told her that it was cool that she was more 'open' to (or less traditional and more tolerant of) others, including biracial relationships; her response was that she had to be from having a daughter like me. At the same time, I probably would not be the strong, independent, kind woman that I am if I did not have those dark periods from her to work through.

I once bought flowers for her for mother's day. Her constant complaint about it wasting money had me declare that she was never going to get anything like that again for being so unappreciative.  The reality was that she was so used to having to be frugal as immigrants that she did not want me having to spend my hard earned money for something she did not feel was necessary. However, as I have discovered recently, how someone acts or reacts is his/her karma (jer-bear). It should not deter me from something I can control...my action/reaction, thus my karma. So with that, I decided to send her a token of my appreciation on this day for her being a wonderful mom, in the present. I hope that one day, I have fully learned and can show her unconditional love that she hinted at.

Happy Mother's Day, mę! I love you!! (Don't say that often enough, actually I'm not sure I've ever said that to her, now that I think about it. Oopsy...never too late I guess.)

* * * * *

Update March 10, 2018:

23andMe had a Black Friday BOGO promotion. While I no longer cared whether my mother was biologically connected with me, she jumped at the opportunity to take the other test while my parents visited me a few months ago. Today, the results confirmed what she knew all along. Perhaps that is why she has never asked about the results after handing me the vial to mail off a couple of months ago. 

man in the mirror

The ego is the genesis of our insecurities, fears, discrimination, hatred, jealousy, judgments, and every other negative emotion that blocks us from living in our authentic self. It prevents us from being kind and courageous in our actions both to ourselves and to others. The ego is why some view people as possessions. Some would say ego manifests confidence, but I beg to differ. Cockiness is not the same as confidence - one stems from insecurities and the other from self-love.

I have only considered dating one older guy my entire life. While it was not intentional, oddly enough, even in my 20s, the men I was interested in were younger (albeit a couple of years). While I do not particularly like to be "chased," as I believe it should be mutual (reclaiming the cunt (part 3)), this older man had been actively pursuing me for years. It was during a period of time that I was wondering if perhaps the type I was interested in were not the type I should be with (face of the girl (part 1)) so I gave it a bit of a go. 

He used to complain about women who were "gold-diggers" yet after learning more about his online dating experience, I tried to explained to him that he manifested that himself. He would contact women who as he stated, were like me (e.g., beautiful, independent and successful) with no luck. However, he would constantly date women who actively pursued him for his money. He could not grasp that his profile was "oozing" of money, as to him, that was his best asset. Women, like me, I tried to rationalize to him do not care about his money and see a profile like his to reek of insecurity and cockiness.

We had a disagreement very early on when he continuously moved my hand and body all over him in public. He viewed me as a "trophy" to feed his ego and wanted others to be envious of him. I dampened the red flags, trying to convince myself that I was unreasonable to dislike someone treating me as a possession. So when a recent older man tried to pursue me when I first moved to the Bay Area, the similar red flags quickly were turn offs. Eventually, it "reared its ugly head" during a drunken happy hour when he criticized me for dating younger men, yet he saw no hypocrisy in his dating younger women.

Rather than letting it go, he dug his heels and allowed his ego to tell mutual friends to not discuss his "private affairs" with me, as well as telling them not to "steal his friend" (a.k.a. me). It was as if he felt that he still had a chance at some point in the future so it was somehow better if I only knew what he wanted to "control" me to know. Yesterday, a mutual friend whom had asked me if she could use my empty lower unit as a temporary office relayed to me that he told her that I only agreed so that I can "come between the two of them." How my agreement to a friend's request can be turned into something that had absolutely nothing to do with another is very self-centered in its rationale.

The colleague in to err is human, to forgive, divine used to constantly communicate to other colleagues that I was mad at him (although I felt indifference about him) so that they would ask me about it. The ego has a way to turn guilt into projections rather than doing something courageous like asking for forgiveness or to stop a person from continuing old templates. Neither my friend nor I could understand how that older man could remotely make a kind gesture into it revolving around him. In the end, we sometimes project onto others our experiences, insecurities, fears and actions when we allow the ego to rule.

A work friend has been cheating on his wife for a year. Although issues in the marriage have preceded the affair, he has never been able to be alone in his life so rationalized why he couldn't divorce the mother of his children at the time. However, now that he's found another partner, he has rationalized why he should divorce his wife, claiming that it had nothing to do with the other woman. After getting caught though, he also refuses to take responsibility and continues his web of lies as he believes it is being "kind" to his wife, who "can't handle the truth". It would seem as if he is the one that cannot live in the truth, to himself, his wife, his paramour or his family.

I am learning that it's not just the typical egotistical people, but also those that allow their ego to dictate their behavior quickly become turn-offs for me. Self-love is part of authenticity and inherently, includes love of and kindness to others. People who are brave and humble to be vulnerable and naked in the truth (the truth shall set you free) of embracing and being their authentic selves ooze sexiness in every pore.

stone skipping (part 8)

If you ever have any doubts of who you are, see yourself through the eyes of others. Last weekend, I found it fascinating to watch my cousin as she emphatically profiled me to her girlfriend. Some of the "facts" I laughingly challenge are not actual facts, but she would have none of it. 

She had sacrificed much of her life for her family. She was not the eldest daughter but was the one that was responsible and felt the Asian guilt to provide for her parents (and extended family). However, her mother had spent her entire life enabling her husband to "mooch" off of her, as well as enabling her sons to do the same. Despite all that her youngest daughter was doing for her, she constantly prioritized her sons, including guilting her daughter to pay her sons' debts and provide for their livelihood.

In many ways, my aunt treats her daughter like my maternal grandmother treats my mother (full circle (part 3)), but exponentially worse. Her mother's treatment of her resulted in all her siblings (as well as her parents' extended family) taking advantage of her in the same way - generations enabling other generations to repeat the cycle (stone skipping (part 7)). My cousin repressed many of her desires and feelings, and it did not take long for me to realize when I first moved to New York City and started hanging out with her that alcohol was the only time she dropped her inhibitions. 

Over the years, despite her denials even to herself, she eventually came out of the closet, probably only to her and me for many years, before she felt comfortable a couple of years ago to do so on social media. Although the rest of her family appear accepting, her parents have been unfriendly to her girlfriend although her parents are living at my cousin's apartment. When she thought about looking for a new place to include her girlfriend as well as her parents, her mother told her to give her current apartment to one of her brothers, as if it belonged to her mother to give away, and stated that her parents would continue to stay there rather than share a roof with her girlfriend.

That was the moment that she fully realized how much her parents took advantage of her rather than appreciate her, as I had been pointing out to her for years. While it was painful to watch her allowing others to use her and for her to stay hidden in the closet, it has been equally a blessing to watch her blossoming now that she is coming into her own and finally standing up for herself and chasing her happiness. 

[On a related but separate note, it was equally pleasurable when discussing her situation with her mother, my dad had initially agreed to talk to his sister. Asian men generally do not get involved in family matters, even less so when it relates to homosexuality. My father's gesture was much appreciated by my cousin for the intent itself, and was a moment of pride to see his acceptance of homosexuality as well as changing the template for parents to take advantage of daughters.]

I may have pushed her to truly love her "self" and to take her power back and planted seeds to her and to her friend (now girlfriend) when I first met her friend for them to get together, but her finding her "self" and her happiness was all her doing and a testament to her inner strength. 

She spent years trying to convince me that I was wrong about her and her situation as part of her denial, so it was surprising to see her passionately relay to her girlfriend how I push people to embrace their true selves, regardless of who that may be. She was the second person that weekend who said I should be a therapist (face of the girl (part 1) and reclaiming the cunt (part 3)).

I am so happy that she has found her "special" as she calls her soulmate.