I have had a theory that my mother was not my birth mother for most of my life(...do as the romans do). Initially, it was something that was developed by a child to rationalize why she was treated so differently from her siblings, beyond your typical birth order behaviors. It felt as if everything about me caused some sort of resentment from her.
My dad was a military 'brat' so during the war, it was possible that I could have been a 'love child'. Of course, what child would not romanticize that he/she was conceived from love. The 10-year age difference; looks and personality/traits, which were never linked to anything on my maternal side; and the conflict of the stories about the timing of their marriage, my 'conception,' my birth, family pressures for my mother to get married, etc. all fueled my theory. I was determined to resolve this during my assignment in Vietnam. However, when I quizzed my relatives in NYC and Vietnam, not only do they not agree on the month my parents got married but also disagree on the seasons, similar to my parents not agreeing.
The fear of 'unwantedness' stemmed from a reality of a lost child who was strapped with a lot of responsibilities as a toddler (full circle (part 8)) and a mother who constantly told her that she was fat and ugly (unanswered prayers). My uncle in Vietnam remembered that when I was a baby/toddler, I would throw tantrums any time I was taken care of by my maternal grandmother, wanting to go to my paternal grandmother's house instead (in loving memory). Children can be very perceptive, for a reason.
When I asked someone how he got into BDSM (ftale), it was not quite as dark as Christian Grey; however, as an adopted child, it was the one part of his life where he had any semblance of control. He eventually found his birth mother, which while it provided an answer to a missing part of his life, it did not resolve his need for control, in some form.
It took many years of tumultuous fights, long periods of silence, lots of resentment on both sides, and perhaps a mutual desire to not just ignore the situation for us to get to where we are today. The final breakthrough, at least from my perspective, was when I realized and communicated to her that she treated me like her mother treats her. Something about relating to a feeling provides a very real perspective and reality.
My mother goes out of her way to take care of her mother while her siblings selfishly turn their backs on their mother. Yet, despite that, my grandmother talks lovingly of all her other children while bashing my mother in front of anyone who will listen. For a bit, I thought perhaps I was sensitive to this given the treatment I bore with my mother for years. However, my mother's cousin recently visited them before Thanksgiving last year. When I saw her at Thanksgiving, she was amazed at how 'nasty' my mother's mother was when talking about my mother.
While I have very little respect for my maternal grandmother, I respect that my mother still cares for her, whether from obligation or from love. Perhaps, the one thing I am to learn from my mother is an example of what it means to love someone unconditionally (although I also do not think that requires for someone to consistently put up with abuse, physically or emotionally) or perhaps she is repaying her karmic debt.
I have gone back and forth for decades on whether to get a DNA test to confirm or invalidate my theory and put it to rest. However, regardless of that outcome, she is still the only mom I know. While many of her early behaviors were learned behaviors, I do admire that she has tried, as much as she is capable of doing, of breaking those at her own pace. Someone once told her that it was cool that she was more 'open' to (or less traditional and more tolerant of) others, including biracial relationships; her response was that she had to be from having a daughter like me. At the same time, I probably would not be the strong, independent, kind woman that I am if I did not have those dark periods from her to work through.
I once bought flowers for her for mother's day. Her constant complaint about it wasting money had me declare that she was never going to get anything like that again for being so unappreciative. The reality was that she was so used to having to be frugal as immigrants that she did not want me having to spend my hard earned money for something she did not feel was necessary. However, as I have discovered recently, how someone acts or reacts is his/her karma (jer-bear). It should not deter me from something I can control...my action/reaction, thus my karma. So with that, I decided to send her a token of my appreciation on this day for her being a wonderful mom, in the present. I hope that one day, I have fully learned and can show her unconditional love that she hinted at.
Happy Mother's Day, mę! I love you!! (Don't say that often enough, actually I'm not sure I've ever said that to her, now that I think about it. Oopsy...never too late I guess.)
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Update March 10, 2018:
23andMe had a Black Friday BOGO promotion. While I no longer cared whether my mother was biologically connected with me, she jumped at the opportunity to take the other test while my parents visited me a few months ago. Today, the results confirmed what she knew all along. Perhaps that is why she has never asked about the results after handing me the vial to mail off a couple of months ago.
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