While I usually provide a link to any blog post that features any particular person as a courtesy, I don't always do it, depending on the circumstances. One of my cousins had posted that her son sent her flowers, even though she had communicated in the past that she had told her boys not to waste money on flowers for her, so I had provided the link to full circle (part 3) on her post given the similar theme.
I had not provided my mother the link as I am not sure she is aware of my blog but also hesitated because I did not want her to misinterpret it as stirring up the past. I was surprised when I woke up the next morning to the following message:
"After I read your story on full circle, I cried a lot. I didn't mean to be ugly to you like you thought when you were young. When I said you didn't look pretty when you was a baby and you look pretty when you grow up that I mean I'm proud of that because who care about baby long you look pretty when you grow up that is important but you already mad so I can't explain more what I want to said so I didn't have a chance to said more.
I alway love you very much but some reason you always mad at me so I didn't have a change to show that. Now I'm so happy find out you understand me more. I'm sorry for anything I did make you said [sic] and thought you was adopt baby for a long time like that.
I'm happy we understand each other now. You taught me a lot so now I didn't keep everything for my self. I stand up. [sic]"
Similar to truth in the truth shall set you free, apologies have no expiration date. While I may have forgiven her a long time ago for my own well being, it still was cathartic to read those words of apology, similar to the colleague in to err is human, to forgive, divine.
As in absolution, I have always believed that it is never too late to let someone know how you feel. More importantly, I am proud of my mother, like my cousin in stone skipping (part 8), that she has found her voice and choosing to use it to stand up for herself.
* * * * *
On a related but unrelated note and as I noted in the truth shall set you free, I recently found an email from my ex from moments that matter (part 4). It reminded me why he was such an easy soul to love, and as was my mother's message today, his message was unexpected as it had been months after I had repatriated.
"This is long overdue, but I have been meaning to write to you to send an apology.
During your last couple of days in Vietnam I had not been a very good companion. After you had left, I had felt some guilt for some time about this but had not been able to digest what was going on with myself at the time. Over the past couple of months I have been able to gain some further insight and learn a bit more about what was going on with myself.
One of the results of my own recovery efforts has been a lack of familiarity with intimacy. During your last couple of days in Saigon, this was ever apparent. As much as I wanted to enjoy the time with you, I was not sure of how to do this and was, honestly, a bit afraid to extend myself knowing that you were leaving. I was not entirely sure of what we had or where it was going and this was affecting my involvement. I should have been more open and honest with you about this and apologize for not doing so. I do feel that I left you a bit confused as you were leaving and was not a very pleasant person to be around as you were extending yourself.
You have been great support to me, and I have enjoyed all the time that we spent with each other even if it did not seem that way. I do hope that we have the opportunity to catch up again soon as well here in the US. I am not sure where you stand, but I am here as a friend if you need anything."
The "lack of familiarity with intimacy" was ironic coming from the man who taught me to embrace intimacy. These gestures remind me that I have been blessed to find very kind, courageous and gracious men in my life, as well as a mother who has learned to embrace her femininity of vulnerability and masculinity of standing up for her "self".
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