Watching too much Law & Order: SVU had me wondering for awhile whether my lack of memory prior to fifth grade had to do with some sexual trauma, or any trauma for that matter. I had even asked my parents at some point in my 20s whether they were aware of anything. My college roommate, who was studying to be a social worker, had suggested I go to therapy and get hypnosis performed. I was torn between temptation of knowing and fear of knowing all at the same time.
A combination of Virgo/Mars in retrograde traits (
face of the girl (part 1)), romantic notions of the "one" and sexual repression ingrained in me from childhood had me overanalyzing all potential mates before the first date, which then would not occur once it was determined he was not husband material. Coupled with the Asian flush, I was lucky to never really get into a pickle that would put me in a potential awkward situation. Needless to say, I was a late bloomer even by traditional standards. I definitely talked the talk but didn't walk the walk.
After 9/11 though and feeling as if I escaped destiny (or realizing that it was my destiny), I also concluded that I did NOT want to die a virgin (
cougartown). With my Mars in Aquarius though, it explains why it became so transactional to me despite my romantic notions. A friend though had the foresight to reject my offer, and protect himself as I was callous and not sensitive to his situation, regardless of intentions.
Although not the most ideal situation by the standards of many, he was with me through a number of firsts. The first time was comical, especially after a build up in my mind but I could not have asked for a better situation the second time. When most regret their first time, I remember mine with fondness. It was also with relief to see the sea of red on the white, ensuring at least that perhaps my memory lapse wasn't due to sexual trauma.
All good things, or at least most, must come to an end, and while his narcissistic tendencies (genetic from his father) eventually could not be contained, he has always taken the time to wish me happy birthday, regardless of whether we were in contact or not. He is the only one in my life who has never forgotten, and for that, I'm grateful. It also occurred to me, when talking to a friend in January, that now that he's in a leadership role (
stone skipping (part 4)), he's continued to look out for me, even when I was trying to get a package and asked him not to waste any political capital on me. That is my karma. 😐
The body has a way of protecting itself, whether signs of stress or memory lapses. I had resigned myself a while back to let go of those memories from my childhood. I have memories of the great parts of that period (
moments that matter (part 1)), and that is all that matters. While I was a late bloomer, I am blessed to have discovered that part of me, as a confident and more liberated woman, and with a man, who despite his 6'3" frame, never made me feel small. I am having a great time making up for 'lost time' now.
He has commented in the past of his disappointment that I don't seem to always remember his birthday so with that, happy birthday BT!!
When people ask me how the last three months were, in an odd sense of accomplishment, it has been such a long time that I have actually used my brain that it felt absolutely amazing! Astrophysicist, epidemiologist, artist (stone skipping (part 9))...we are so different yet we all shared a common goal to pivot our lives and make magic happen.
