pig in mud (part 4)

Lately, I have been constantly reminded how fortunate I am to have met great men in my life. He reminded me that I haven't seen him (moments that matter (part 4)) since October 2014 so we caught each other up on our lives in the last 4 years today.

Time stood still as we soaked in the summer rays on a park bench in the middle of Manhattan on a gorgeous day. While he was an old soul who taught me a bit about myself during the time we dated, he was also a lost soul the last time I saw him. His journey, some intentional, some not, has him at relative peace in his life, balancing between freeing him from some demons with chasing passions and dreams. 

While we talked before about his conflict of wanting to find the passion that we had with the stability that he needed to ground him, he seems to have found a partner willing to take one day at a time with a more pragmatic approach to their relationship, including discussions on polyamory and understanding that we are capable of loving more than one person in different ways.

Seeing him happy and relatively at peace made me so happy for him, and the inner child just wanted to hold him like he used to hold me, and tear up from my own happiness watching the glow oozing from his facial expressions and body. As I was relaying our date to another friend afterwards, she commented that she wished she impacted someone as I had impacted his life. I reminded her though that we both impacted each other at a time when we both needed each other, and that she probably had that impact on her ex. He was just kind enough to let me know (standing taller). He was the smile on my face and bounce in my step today.

11:11 (part 9)

There are friends in one's life that you may not see often, but they know your life as they have been there at all the pivotal times. She was one of the two women who witnessed the beginnings of bubble of bliss.

In reminiscing about our journey since we met in Spain, as she noted tonight, it was quite a story, regardless of how it ends. Just dredging up the triggers and the eventual growth helped to dissipate the angst of the latest in calming the mind. As with moments that matter (part 2), it served as a reminder that as much as I would like to walk away, our journey together will forever be connected (11:11 (part 6)), and as much as the omission was intentional, it felt right to return the favor (chain smoking) and wish him happy belated tonight.

calming the mind

Similar to 22, it is fascinating how the universe (and my male spirit) rallies. Within the last week, I have had the fortune of four men in my life reach out to check in on me. One we went on an amazing date (p(h)et-life) before life happened. Another I have never met in person. We matched while he was in my town for a wedding a few years ago, and due to emergency surgery, he couldn't meet me in Cape Town when I was in his hood in 2016.

They all reminded me how although we may not be compatible in the end (well, except the one where we are picking up where we left off), I have been blessed with amazing men in my life. We not only helped each other discover a bit more of ourselves during our times together, but also have remained true to basic caring and kindness in remaining in each other's lives.

As I reflect on the couple of people (and perhaps this latest) who do not remain friends after relationships morph (absolution), it is not because any were more or less toxic/volatile than the other. The common denominator were the people involved (when it rains, it pours). There was a pattern with those that they never stayed friends with any of their exes. While I generally would ask the question during a relationship when getting to know someone, it occurred to me that I did not make a habit of it, like I did with observing how people treat wait staff and strangers.

The other common denominator was how they approached difficult situations. We all have our unproductive behaviors when discussing or 'hashing' out things with others. Some even call for a time-out. Some result in shouting matches. In many ways I start to mirror my partner's style of engagement (whether productive or not), despite my best attempts usually. 

The relationship from moments that matter (part 4) taught me the most healthy way of engaging for me...regardless of my tone or volume, he would position himself next to me, touching me somewhere (e.g., caressing lower back, leg or even hand), hear me out without interruption, and then shared his perspective without interruption (or vice versa depending on who was introducing the topic at hand). We did not always agree but we respected each other for our views.

I also never closed the chapter from lost 'n found. He was one of the four men, and we have had a number of misunderstandings in our relationship. Yet despite being a millennial, he immediately calls (rather than text) when he detects any tension in texts. He prefers to meet to talk through things in person even when I do not believe there is anything left to discuss. He is patient and kind though as he continues to check in even if that is months later to bring up the topic.

On our usual bench in the Presidio almost six months later, it would seem as if he was not ashamed of the age gap after all. His close friends knew about me. On the flip side, he thought I was pushing him away because I was getting feelings and wanted to change our relationship without knowing how to effectively communicate it. Our communication got entirely lost in texts. In reality his intent was to protect me from his judgmental roommates although he offered to introduce me to them, I am at this stage in my life that I no longer care to be around such narrow minded people so it was an easy decision to pass.

While he is very traditional and conservative in his mindset (e.g., relationship escalator), it would seem as if I left some adventurous mark on him when he reached out last night to ask about a toy (face of the girl (part 2)) that I had introduced him to, and he wanted to try it out with his new lady love. I was surprised that he remembered the name of it as it has been years since I had shared it with a partner, which turned out to have only been him.

Unlike these men, the few above have chosen 'flight' rather than 'fight' when faced with difficult situations, resorting to passive aggressive behaviors like silent treatments, blocking people, etc. It is extremely challenging to have any type of relationship when someone eliminates any form of contact, but it makes it exponentially challenging when someone has to chase the other to face their fears. It must be exhausting to constantly run away from oneself.

* * * * *

Since a child, I have always been that student who could not study in quiet libraries. My mind either wanders in vary disparate directions or it gets bored and I fall asleep. As I got older, I learned that I needed to distract my mind (e.g., music, television) in order for a part of my brain to focus on the activity at hand. Even when reading a book where I tend to escape with my fantasies and imagination, there is still that part of my mind that I distract with music or background noise.

Meditation helps to clear resistance, similar to sleep, yet since it is during a full-state of alertness, one can attempt to see one's natural state of consciousness. While face of the girl (part 3) helped me face the barriers erected from the inner child, I am hoping meditation will take me on the final phase of my journey to authenticity. 

Quieting the mind when I have always had to distract it has been an interesting project. With nature sounds in the background, focusing on my inhalation and exhalation and counting, I was able to find mental clarity for a few minutes. The South African, who ironically is also learning Law of Attraction and tantric methods, gave me additional pointers today on focusing on the energy in various parts of the body and imagining the energy flowing throughout.

* * * * *

Odd...now 6 with two more reaching out tonight after this post. Déja vu to when it rains, it pours.

seeing white (part 2)

As I was heading to an appointment, I decided to try out Nepalese food from a nearby food stand on a whim. A caucasian American couple were in front of me waiting for their order. At one point, he asked me if this was 'your people food'. Yes, I have used that slang amongst my friends when we joke about our diverse ethnicity, but I have not had a stranger state that matter of factly. 

He then asked the woman behind the counter whether she spoke Filipino. I may not be an expert at geography but Nepal and Philippines is over 4,200 kilometers apart. While both may be in Asia, they are on opposite sides of the continent. It may be innocent enough but in today's political environment and the huge divide we have in regards to race relations, being curious and having a penchant to learn and being pejorative are polar opposites. Words matter.

Perhaps my antennae has been raised recently. Similar to seeing white (part 1), the last time I saw the man from living love last week, it surfaced that his friends were primarily white. In one of our earlier conversations, he had noted how diverse his high school was when I had mentioned how I knew some people who used to or currently live in Portland had felt that it was not such a diverse city. I may have assumed it meant he had diversity in his friends group. He also spent 5 years in Austin and has lived in San Francisco for the last 2 years - two cities where a high percentage is represented by Hispanics and Asians.

While his 'reason' was that he 'inherited' these friends, it would imply that he did not make his own friends, whether at work or through his interactions socially. Not only that, but his friends did not either. In his entire group, only two were from other ethnicities and that is because they were dating two 'white women'. I do not know if that makes him racist or his friends racist, but statistically, that would be a very conscious decision by all involved to be so exclusive. 

Part of the reason why I gravitate towards younger men is because generally they have a healthier attitude in regards to women and minorities (man in the mirror). In my discussions with other exes who have similar profiles as him, they also thought it was very odd these days for anyone to surround themselves with just white friends, especially living in multicultural cities. My 'work wife' also noted how she, as an Asian, is very self conscious about appearing to only have Asian friends and also observes whether other Asians have that behavior before she befriends them. She avoids situations like that.

At some point, we either mirror the people we surround ourselves with or they reflect who we are. Who is this man? He seems the complete opposite of the person I met...the curious, open minded one. This one appears to play life safe and prefer to live in his bubble of white elitists. It would also explain why he doesn't seem to be so knowledgeable or have vast experience when it comes to even alternative lifestyles. Does this rationalize his recent cowardly behavior for fear of any ripples in his bubble? Can someone truly be open minded if one does not appear to 'support' those from different walks of life by including them in one's life? Is this akin to Roy Moore's wife who claimed that they couldn't be racist since they had a Jewish lawyer who happens to be a Messianic Jew (e.g., a practicing Christian)?