YUMmy

I've always loved surprises and new experiences. However, as odd as this may sound, I recently discovered that these moments are truly my passion and hobby. It could be new people, new activities, new topics, and even a new me.

In the last few years of conscious exploration (ftale) and pushing and learning my boundaries, I have learned a lot about myself, including unpacking some childhood issues. It soon became difficult though to separate the personal from professional persona (full circle (part 8)), as well as connecting with existing friends who don't share such lifestyles, in finding my authentic self.

With a simple match with an amazing man with a zest for life, life seems to have shown me a glimpse of the next path in my journey. While I was game to attend a sensations party, I wasn't entirely sure what it would entail. I was more of the stranger to the party, yet for once, I didn't feel as one. As the night went on, there was no gender biases, no power imbalances, no judgments...only trust and sensuality. The primary rule was 'enthusiastic consent'. 

One of the most beautiful sights (up there with sunrises at Machu Picchu and Angkor Wat) was watching the host and hostess during a forced orgasm play. Ironically, it was a new term that I had learned of the week before. Her control and restraint coupled with his mastery of reading her body and her breathes, while holding her so lovingly, emitted such a passionate, explosive energy that was contagious and so overpowering that it was difficult for me to breathe. I found myself in a trance, unable to look away. Yet, it was one of the most intimate experiences, and will forever be etched in my mind as what 'unconditional love' should look like.

The night began as a group and ended as a group, connected by a string, surrounded by love. The last few days, I am saddened that in my group of friends, there would not be at least 2, much less 8, people who would be so positive about loving, leaving all inhibitions at the door. However, it has made me determined to continue this journey of surrounding myself with such people. 

I was blessed though to be a part of an awesome experience of new people, new activities and new toys, with a new me. As I laid sated that night in my bed, it hit me that the entire night, the 'loving, vulnerable self' of me (fool's gold) was present the entire time. As we had our sharing circle at the end, I tried my damnedest to contain the tears...the tears of happiness where for once I could see why San Francisco would finally leave a mark on me with seven beautiful faces (and bodies).

unsent letters (part 1)

Reddit has a subreddit called Unsent Letters. It made me wonder if there would be any letters that I would want to send, perhaps upon my death or via dreams, to say what has been left unsaid to anyone in my past, present or future. Perhaps some of this will overlap with the 'moments that matter' series.

* * * * *

Dear Toby -

It has been ages...hope you are happy, as you so deserve. In my darkest times, you were part of the light that served as a beacon for me to fight for love. 

I never knew whether you had received my letter after that camp to thank you. Thank you for being that first man in my life to teach me that there are great men, disguised as a boy, in this life. Thank you for reminding me that the best gifts may be small gestures in its simplicity and genuineness. Thank you for teaching me that speaking up for others will always leave a positive impact in someone's life. Thank you for showing me kindness.

Most of all, thank you for being my first love, as innocent as it may have been, and as pure as it could have been, and thank you for being my knight in shining armor when I felt helpless.

💞

Sources: moments that matter (part 1) and code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)

true north

When I first decided to open up and push my comfort zone, there were templates I was consciously trying to challenge but there were those that surfaced that forced me to address and reconcile. I approached the experiment haphazardly and not thoughtfully. In so doing, I met people who mirrored my 'angst' at the time as well, one of which resulted in a friend stepping in to do an intervention (22).

We were/are all flawed, but our character is how we addresses those moments and flaws. Do we go with the stream or against? Do we live in bitterness or do we learn to walk away, breath and remind ourselves to treat people with respect?

Today happens to be the birthday of one of those who did not remain in contact (calming the mind and 22). My computer seemed to give me a sign and alerted me as a reminder. With everything that occurred with living love, my compass seemed to point me to change the course of the negativity, and with that I sent him a message to wish him happy birthday, resulting in some cordial exchanges.

Coincidentally, my friend and I went to a pub to hang for the afternoon. It occurred to me that it was the same place that I met a person that I had totally forgotten about for our first date. It was a couple of dates, but while it wasn't quite ghosting, the slow fade seemed just as confusing. Over time, as either or both of us would delete online dating profiles, once reinstated, one would pop in a feed and yet neither swiped left. Perhaps he was hoping for another shot when he last texted asking if I swiped by accident, although I forgot that I never responded.

So when I sent a picture asking if it was his bar, his response was witty of it being 'OUR' bar where supposedly I 'fell in love' with him. We chatted for the rest of the day, catching up on his move, as well as getting 'closure' on what occurred when things faded.

I realized that it is not in me to hang onto negativity. While I can just leave it behind, it seems as if reminders keep recurring until I follow my compass and attempt to be on as good of terms as we can leave with each other. The day felt good that chapters got closed, and perhaps new chapters begin.