In Arabic, the hymen is referred to as 'wish al-bent,' or 'face of the girl'. Without it, you have no identity, you are no one. In the Middle East, it was common to have honor killings as the virginity of a bride belongs to the entire family, and does not even belong to the woman herself. The honor of the family, specifically the men, is held between the legs of the woman. Ironic that the honor of men in such patriarchal societies are tied to a female body part.
In many ways, I have always had some sort of sexual energy around me. My first phone extension in my first full-time job was x6969. The logo at the company was often referred to as a vagina. The topic never made me feel squeamish, but rather, the taboo-ness incited my curiosity. I have memories of my mother stating that it is not enjoyable. In 'talking the talk,' many do not believe that I was a late bloomer (cougartown), and most probably assume that I lost my 'face' as a teenager, probably as soon as I started university, or in my 20s, at the latest. Some find it sad.
However, I have always had the view that it was a blessing for many reasons. I was more comfortable in my own body. I understood more about the female anatomy; my Human Reproduction & Development class junior year in university was handy although I missed the class on female masturbation unfortunately. I found a lover who was a patient teacher and focused on my pleasure.
I have been asked before why I waited so long and my simple response was never finding Mr. Right; however, as I have been researching more about astrology, spirituality and other new age concepts, there may be a lot more at play and exploring these aspects may peel back layers of the onion, so to speak. In this series, I also plan on addressing the taboo of sex and my journey. As noted in reclaiming the cunt (part 3), my open mindedness in experimenting in last few years has some thinking that sex therapist is my calling in life.
A person's sign in Mars represents one's masculine energy or sexuality, as well as for a woman, what she may look for in a mate. Mars in Aquarius is considered the 'sexual liberator,' without the general 'hangups' that others generally have. Emotional conditions and social restrictions hold little meaning, and the abstract approach makes it more natural to freely experiment with sexuality. Sex is usually something that fits into an overall idealism rather than a simple biological function. Because of the ability to compartmentalize, intimacy is sometimes a challenge as sometimes it is correlated to the pettiness of sex and love (such as, jealousy), and the general preference to 'make love, not war' overrides. With the combination of Venus in Virgo, my style is more easygoing, rational and nonjudgmental, driven more by senses rather than ideal.
However, Mars was in retrograde at my birth so the energy becomes redirected. I am attracted to men that do not match the socially acceptable versions of the ones I 'should' be attracted to. In a way, these men (e.g., significantly younger, bit more blue collar, edgy with tats) would reflect my 'internal rebellion'. This also means though that there may be challenges with expressions of anger, assertion and sexuality, primarily due to fear of punishment as a child or trauma of violence or rape from a past life, but it is intensified energy that is refocused and would need to be channeled elsewhere, usually until 30s when it goes direct and/or person has worked out karma or through the those challenges.
Sometimes, it is really interesting to understand one's astrological chart after the fact. As noted in code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123), I had turned to religion as a teenager. That and the traditional upbringing were initial reasons not to be deflowered, even as one of my close friends in high school got pregnant. My Virgo nature had me also overanalyzing any potential suitors as husband material prior to any date. At the time, I struggled with reconciling someone who looked great on paper vs. my attraction (physical and emotional). Many, including myself, just deemed it 'picky'. There was also a part of me, at that time, though that wondered if my 'excuses' was a protectionist mechanism from possible sexual trauma as a child (moments that matter (part 6)). However, the Mars in retrograde explains my disconnect as part of my nature, rather than nurture.
I also had commitment issues, much of it stemmed from watching my parents' relationship constantly filled with arguments (full circle (part 5)), partly from lack of emotional nurturing (moments that matter (part 4) and full circle (part 3)), and now it seems from nature with Mars in Aquarius. Then again, I also had women in my life that sabotaged any male interest in me and vice versa, perhaps out of jealousy. That, as well as my lack of patience for 'drama,' another trait of Mars in Aquarius, is why most of my friends are men or women with more masculine energy, and results in my comfort around men.
I often look back at the men that I thought I was physically attracted to at that time but not emotionally connected to, and thank the universe (and probably my male spirit - 22) that I never married them as they are definitely not my type today, as I learned more about myself and my desires over the years. The Sagittarius in me was flirtatious but somehow the shy Virgo would take over though when I was interested. Perhaps all of this was to play out the karma from a past life, including my penchant to be assertive and passionate for the underdog, to the point of being labeled aggressive bitch, yet struggled with speaking up for myself whether at work or in personal aspects such as boundaries (full circle (part 2)).
Knowing who they have turned out to be today though, I know I would have felt repressed over time with them. Interestingly, he has a balance of a persona that society would think I 'should' be with; however, what I love about him is his dark side of that rebellious 'bad boy' with his motorcycle and carpentry roots. I also suspect his Mars resides in Aquarius as well or Scorpio. Turns out 'Mr. Right' has a policy against virgins, a good reminder for us to live for ourselves and not because we have a fear of how a potential mate may judge us. Whether I have worked out any past life karma or not, the timing of my sexual discovery has made me feel very liberated in this arena, perhaps that is the part of me that wants to pay it forward and help other women give in to these desires, without society's hangups haunting them.
"When each person is free from their own oppression and their own exploitation, everybody gets freed in the process."
- Anonymous
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