When I entered the online dating world a couple of years ago, it was really the first time I got the full dose of the games people play in order to establish some perceived value...in what we call "the chase". As a late bloomer, I never experienced the full realm of this. Even then, my first relationship lasted 3-5 years off and on, and I guess because I was a virgin for so long, never experienced "slut shaming" in all its glory.
I have discovered that I love kinky fuckery and while she (yes, I refer to my pussy in the third person as she has a mind of her own) tends to be monogamous and selective, she also likes to have fun. I have had a number of people (friends, acquaintances and strangers) comment that I should be a sex therapist or something given my open mindedness when it comes to sexual acts/experiments as well as the innate ability to have strangers open up and disclose very personal things within the first meeting. For that and other reasons, I believe many think my number is very high (for a woman, which the hypocrisy that there are two different acceptable thresholds based on gender bothers me). It is not, but as I tell people, that is also very irrelevant.
Slut shaming (reclaiming the cunt (part 1)) serves no purpose. It is something patriarchal societies do to suppress and repress women; however, I never quite understood why women do it to each other, perhaps out of jealousy and fear of their own desires. Having a healthy libido has extended years on people's lives. Studies have shown that orgasms and sperm in a woman's body has numerous health benefits including reduction of pain and aches, anti-depressant, etc. I know for me a lot of sex/orgasms clears up my face (to the point where someone thought I had some work done recently), reduces my period/aches/pain, and with frequency, can give me a 6-pack.
That is the physical side but there is also a lot of intimacy and bonding, even with fuck buddy or friends with benefits arrangements. To me, it really is more about the healthy view of sex as well as mutual respect for anybody that you may engage in any activity, including hugs (hug it out) and cuddling. There are cuddle parties and meetups popping up all over the world. Cuddle Up to Me provides certified professional snuggling services (yes, there is a certification now). So where do humans draw the line between paying for professional cuddles and sex as somehow acceptable or deplorable acts?
When people tell me that they would never pay for sex (see china anniversary) as if it is a bad and desperate thing, I oftentimes point out that "wining and dining" someone with the primary intention of getting sex is the same thing and perhaps more costly and probably less satisfying. I never understood my male friends who would constantly pursue women who "played hard to get" and expected men to pay for dates. One friend explained to me that it means that she doesn't just "give it up to anyone" and makes people work for it. What is "it"? That implies that sex is not something given freely but has a cost and payment to it, whether via cost of dates and/or effort. It creates this false illusion that value is directly correlated to the effort one has to put in to get it. Why are women to be pursued and men not? Do men not have value by that logic? What happened to mutual attraction, mutual respect and mutual fun?
So when I joined the online dating world, I intentionally chose not to play the games that I despise (see me love you long time (part 7)). In so doing, I have met men who would flake on "dates" or "fuck buddies" to hang out with friends or do something they placed more value as if sex as a shared and fun activity could be easily had. Yet, they seemed to wonder why someone is not just waiting around for their booty call. I even met a guy who could not be friends with someone that he still wanted to have sex with yet when he was having sex, he'd constantly flake and would prioritize friends, constantly trying to wave friendship as some white flag to reel a person back in order to proposition again.
During my experiment with polyamory, I dated a man whom we had a lot of fun with shared activities. I prioritize people in my life but I also treat everyone with the same respect. When he started dating another woman who would only make time for him once every 3 weeks, it made him want her more. He kept excusing that she was busy so the fact that she "squeezed" him in every once in awhile somehow held some value to him. We are all busy; we all prioritize what is important. He never could reconcile that it meant that she did not view him as important. He even rationalized it to himself, when he thought they had a date and she decided to go to Tahoe instead. The reality is that she never committed anything to him in advance and only reached out to him last minute so she can keep her calendar open to other more important options.
So while one may view "the chase" as perceiving the other as more valuable, what does it really say about the person's value who is doing the chasing as if he/she is not worthy of being respected and pursued mutually? I don't chase but I also don't like to be chased. If I am interested, I let a person know - I initiate as much as the other. I know my worth and would only want to be with someone who feels the same about his/her worth. Devaluing someone as "easy" is only devaluing the person who made such judgment.
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