Venus started her retrograde on March 4 (shadow period started January 30). I first heard about planets and their retrogrades when Mercury started its retrograde in December. Mercury rules communication and travel so an example would be many travel delays during this period. Given my penchant for missing flights, I had thought it just meant for me to be more mindful of being at the airport early; however, 75%+ of my travel during that period (US, Australia and Singapore) were delayed in some capacity. However, this benefited me when I lost my phones and had to go back to the train station so I would have missed the flight had it not been for it being delayed. It is also noted that retrogrades strongly impact those who are born with the specific planet in retrograde - Mercury and Mars were in retrograde at my birth.
Venus retrograde lasts for about 40 days and nights (perhaps the biblical reference is not coincidental after all). Venus as the goddess of love and war influences the duality of relationships. Retrogrades are periods of 're-'...reflect, reconnecting, re-assess, re-think, revive, reunite, repair and/or restore. Self love, patience and timing are supposedly the keys to success during this period in evaluating what and who we value. It is advised not to act on anything until Venus goes direct again and passes the point of initial retrograde. Venus cycle/orbit traces out a pentagram, of which it hits the same point every 8 years (e.g., Aries/Pisces in 2017 and 2009 or Virgo/Leo in 2015 and 2007). It is noted that one is most likely to experience similar events as 8 years ago but in a different context. Clarity (or epiphany) days (+/- 2 days) are usually when the purpose of the retrograde would reveal itself.
As it enters Aries, it goes in guns ablazing but then supposedly, the murky water of Pisces muddles the clarity that Aries may have provided on the tail end of the retrograde with thoughts of misplaced faith or being blindsighted. Venus retrograde in Leo draws out the inner child who longs to love and be loved. Not acting on things is contrary to Aries trait of action and impulsiveness, causing impatience, arrogance, and childishness/naivety. It is also noted that those with Aries strong in their natal chart would be more introspective, distant and hard to reach during this cycle.
Past lovers are also expected to come back during this period (emotionally or physically); however, it is to help one reflect on the darkness of those relationships, assessing patterns and reminding us of the reasons they are exes. It is meant to be a period of clearing up the past in order to start fresh.
It triggered me when someone mentioned that the last time Venus was in retrograde was July 25 to September 6, 2015 (ethical Virgo transiting to emotional Leo) and specifically asked if anything happened then that would have been pivotal. bubble of bliss and full circle (part 1) reflect the separate journeys we had based on karma and inner child during the last retrograde. As for the 8-year cycle, the last time Venus was retro in the sign of Aries was when I first met him again after our initial meeting, the first time we truly spent time together.
As it enters Aries, it goes in guns ablazing but then supposedly, the murky water of Pisces muddles the clarity that Aries may have provided on the tail end of the retrograde with thoughts of misplaced faith or being blindsighted. Venus retrograde in Leo draws out the inner child who longs to love and be loved. Not acting on things is contrary to Aries trait of action and impulsiveness, causing impatience, arrogance, and childishness/naivety. It is also noted that those with Aries strong in their natal chart would be more introspective, distant and hard to reach during this cycle.
Past lovers are also expected to come back during this period (emotionally or physically); however, it is to help one reflect on the darkness of those relationships, assessing patterns and reminding us of the reasons they are exes. It is meant to be a period of clearing up the past in order to start fresh.
* * * * *
It triggered me when someone mentioned that the last time Venus was in retrograde was July 25 to September 6, 2015 (ethical Virgo transiting to emotional Leo) and specifically asked if anything happened then that would have been pivotal. bubble of bliss and full circle (part 1) reflect the separate journeys we had based on karma and inner child during the last retrograde. As for the 8-year cycle, the last time Venus was retro in the sign of Aries was when I first met him again after our initial meeting, the first time we truly spent time together.
Since he had only spent a few hours with my friends and me one night in Seville in 2002, it was very impulsive for me to spend a weekend with someone who was practically a stranger in a foreign country (in loving memory). After picking me up at the airport on March 27, 2009 (clarity day) (see beach angel), the next 48 hours was the craziest connection for me. I was on 'cloud nine'; however, by June (completion of shadow period), I was frustrated with the infrequency of communication and started second guessing my feelings and the "reality" of the experience. He was the third man I had been with (second if you excluded a random experience) so my inexperience had me question my faith in myself.
The inner child, who longs to be loved, and the fear of unwantedness showed up again on July 25, 2015 (the start of Venus retrograde) when I once again messaged him about giving up on trying to figure out his hot and cold in communication. In hindsight, I was clingy and anxious (and arrogant as I thought I had some control over influencing him to change his "off the grid" behavior by being passive aggressive in my communication). His behavior had always been consistent. Similar to 2009, he had noted that he was in a period of being busy with a number of transitions with personal and professional life as well as being "off the grid" for a bit. I did not listen to anyone but my inner child and by August 13 (clarity day) when he contacted me again to check in on me, she pouted and got very emotional, which sealed the deal of pushing him (an Aries) away.
With the lessons from Venus in retrograde in 2009 and 2015, as well as the epiphany from full circle (part 1), absolution and when it rains, it pours was manifested by me. Not only am I to work through my fear, but also just realized my pattern. He actually had given me tools in his responses to me in 2015 although at the time, my naivety did not see it. His message in 11:11 (part 5) at the start of the retrograde also was to trigger me to reflect on past relationships.
I am fairly quick to assess whether a relationship is compatible or not; however, in my efforts to strive to be non-judgmental, open minded, and my pact to carpe diem since our first meeting (cougartown), I tend to stay in a situation longer than it is meant to serve its purpose until at some point, divinity pushes it to a point that it becomes unbearable to me. In so doing, at some point, I convince myself that I was unwanted, as a reason for it not working out. Even with reclaiming the cunt (part 3), my fear would naturally make me believe that those men would not flake on others, for example. I started to notice this pattern yesterday, as the man who inspired that post, was trying to reconcile. The reality though is that I was focused on what others wanted from me, causing the feeling of unwantedness, but had I followed what I wanted from me and for me and my true desires, those were not relationships that I had wanted to be wanted in.
I focused on the wrong message in August 2015:
"the experiences that we have together are very intense and real for me. i feel ok with having periods in between, sometimes long quiet periods...we experience it really differently, because i still feel like there is a heartbeat of communication, while you feel like you’ve been ignored...if that’s not ok with you, i respect that, and ask you to set the boundaries on what is and isn’t going to be sustainable for you."
Boundaries were something I discovered during my experiment with polyamory after reading More Than Two. Healthy polyamory requires a lot of communication, processing and boundaries, rather than rules inflicted on others, especially to address one's fears and insecurities. This really is not that different from monogamous relationships, except that things monogamous people take for granted like couple privilege is not a foregone conclusion in polyamory.
One of my friends from moments that matter (part 2) who did an intervention had communicated that she consulted with her therapist friend who had said that it was entirely good to experiment but one needs to have boundaries for it not to be self destructive. Prior to all of that last fall, I did not fully understand how boundaries play out in relationships. From observation, whether from friends or parents, I was only conscious of rules that people put on each other, which I was so against that I would let people be, hoping that love would conquer all. Some of this may be due to being born when Mars was in retrograde (face of the girl (part 1)). Needless to say, I never did communicate boundaries to him in 2015.
Boundaries would have helped me, though, know when to walk away rather than to process those moments as "unwantedness". Despite not wanting to change anyone and accepting him/her for who he/she is, I realized that the inner child does pout a bit that some relationships did not work out and inherently harps on it almost expecting something to change, another unhealthy pattern that I noticed. Not everyone is compatible, and not being compatible does not equate to being unwanted. This also explains why past lovers have come back in the physical form (absolution and when it rains, it pours). It is not just for forgiveness, but for me to reflect on and change my patterns, and not allowing the ego to rule. Sounds so simple, yet it has taken me a very long time to process that when it is so personal to the inner child.
"Off the grid" is not a new thing for him. It is part of who he is (trifecta). Turns out, it is very much of part of who I am as well. Every person (friends, family, co-workers, exes) whom I have mentioned my issue with infrequent communication periods with him have all independently commented that they never know whether I am dead or alive, local or traveling, depressed or just want to be left alone and sometimes follow my social media as "heartbeats of communication" as well (see got milk?).
Sometimes, who we are, mirrored in others, is the catalyst that is needed to learn to accept and love ourselves, in all our light and darkness ((wo)man in the mirror). That is the path to unconditional love.
One of my friends from moments that matter (part 2) who did an intervention had communicated that she consulted with her therapist friend who had said that it was entirely good to experiment but one needs to have boundaries for it not to be self destructive. Prior to all of that last fall, I did not fully understand how boundaries play out in relationships. From observation, whether from friends or parents, I was only conscious of rules that people put on each other, which I was so against that I would let people be, hoping that love would conquer all. Some of this may be due to being born when Mars was in retrograde (face of the girl (part 1)). Needless to say, I never did communicate boundaries to him in 2015.
Boundaries would have helped me, though, know when to walk away rather than to process those moments as "unwantedness". Despite not wanting to change anyone and accepting him/her for who he/she is, I realized that the inner child does pout a bit that some relationships did not work out and inherently harps on it almost expecting something to change, another unhealthy pattern that I noticed. Not everyone is compatible, and not being compatible does not equate to being unwanted. This also explains why past lovers have come back in the physical form (absolution and when it rains, it pours). It is not just for forgiveness, but for me to reflect on and change my patterns, and not allowing the ego to rule. Sounds so simple, yet it has taken me a very long time to process that when it is so personal to the inner child.
"Off the grid" is not a new thing for him. It is part of who he is (trifecta). Turns out, it is very much of part of who I am as well. Every person (friends, family, co-workers, exes) whom I have mentioned my issue with infrequent communication periods with him have all independently commented that they never know whether I am dead or alive, local or traveling, depressed or just want to be left alone and sometimes follow my social media as "heartbeats of communication" as well (see got milk?).
Sometimes, who we are, mirrored in others, is the catalyst that is needed to learn to accept and love ourselves, in all our light and darkness ((wo)man in the mirror). That is the path to unconditional love.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and he who fears is not perfected in love."
1 John 4:18The clarity day is March 25, and since Aries represents self determination, I am determined to end this cycle from eight years ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment