Sadly, it is not uncommon for men to physically abuse their wives in Vietnam and other Asian/Middle Eastern countries. The mothers also perpetuate this as they coddle their sons. Tradition includes having sons and their families living under the same roof as the sons' parents while the daughters live at home until they are married and can move into their husbands' families' homes, which is why women are also pressured to marry early as "one less mouth to feed" (full circle (part 3)).
However, women are also usually the hard workers and "breadwinners" in the household (me love you long time (part 6)). In a way, the culture breeds "weak men" who are used to being taken care of by mothers or wives, and women are taught that they have no choices, and their "value" is tied to the men they are attached to (face of the girl (part 1)). A man who is "lazy" and emasculates himself in his mind, as well as lack of emotional intelligence, would probably view that his option to balance the scales would be to exert his physical power.
One of my cousins met and married his college crush. They had the same education; however, his wife was more driven and worked diligently to learn English so that she would have opportunities at multinational financial institutions, whereas he was content with working at a local financial institutions, which are protected by the government (including indirect job security based on the culture of pushing people down - stone skipping (part 1)) and offered nap times. The differences in salaries ranges are exponential, ranging from 3-7x more.
As a tribute to her hard work, they were able to afford purchasing their own condo as well as employ a maid/nanny after their son was born. They should have been happy and proud for such accomplishments in a country where people usually cannot afford their own homes and live in communal homes with generations under the same roof. However, his parents resented her and blamed her for no longer having their son under their roof although they still spent every weekend with his family at their home. He would sit back while his parents bullied and chastised her, despite her being the dutiful daughter-in-law in every other aspect including cooking and cleaning for her in-laws over the weekend. He was not the only son, as the older son and his family still lived at their home.
He benefited from her financial success and flaunted the money when he went out with his friends, including purchasing expensive items, perhaps even for other girlfriends (common theme in Vietnam as well - stone skipping (part 5)). When he physically hit her in front of their son and their help, he did not even have any remorse or apology but denied it ever happened. Her friends and family encouraged her to stay with him as it is normal for the husband to hit the wife when it is perceived that she "disobeyed".
Since I was part of his family, she did not initially have the intention to disclose this to me; however, when I found out, I encouraged her to do what she felt was right for herself but also for her son, especially to break the cycle for future generations of men. My support though was unconditional to anything she decided to do. She has an amazing spirit and strength. He did not make it easy as he refused to give her a divorce and also threatened to take their son away from her, even though he had no intention of raising him himself but rather have his mother raise their son. He was also the only man she has ever dated or been with, so being alone is not something that women in Vietnam are taught to do.
His family, of course, tells a different story as to the demise of their relationship. I have made it clear what occurred to relatives in the U.S., and our family continues to support her and opening our homes as she makes trips to U.S. to find opportunities for her and her son in America.
However, women are also usually the hard workers and "breadwinners" in the household (me love you long time (part 6)). In a way, the culture breeds "weak men" who are used to being taken care of by mothers or wives, and women are taught that they have no choices, and their "value" is tied to the men they are attached to (face of the girl (part 1)). A man who is "lazy" and emasculates himself in his mind, as well as lack of emotional intelligence, would probably view that his option to balance the scales would be to exert his physical power.
One of my cousins met and married his college crush. They had the same education; however, his wife was more driven and worked diligently to learn English so that she would have opportunities at multinational financial institutions, whereas he was content with working at a local financial institutions, which are protected by the government (including indirect job security based on the culture of pushing people down - stone skipping (part 1)) and offered nap times. The differences in salaries ranges are exponential, ranging from 3-7x more.
As a tribute to her hard work, they were able to afford purchasing their own condo as well as employ a maid/nanny after their son was born. They should have been happy and proud for such accomplishments in a country where people usually cannot afford their own homes and live in communal homes with generations under the same roof. However, his parents resented her and blamed her for no longer having their son under their roof although they still spent every weekend with his family at their home. He would sit back while his parents bullied and chastised her, despite her being the dutiful daughter-in-law in every other aspect including cooking and cleaning for her in-laws over the weekend. He was not the only son, as the older son and his family still lived at their home.
He benefited from her financial success and flaunted the money when he went out with his friends, including purchasing expensive items, perhaps even for other girlfriends (common theme in Vietnam as well - stone skipping (part 5)). When he physically hit her in front of their son and their help, he did not even have any remorse or apology but denied it ever happened. Her friends and family encouraged her to stay with him as it is normal for the husband to hit the wife when it is perceived that she "disobeyed".
Since I was part of his family, she did not initially have the intention to disclose this to me; however, when I found out, I encouraged her to do what she felt was right for herself but also for her son, especially to break the cycle for future generations of men. My support though was unconditional to anything she decided to do. She has an amazing spirit and strength. He did not make it easy as he refused to give her a divorce and also threatened to take their son away from her, even though he had no intention of raising him himself but rather have his mother raise their son. He was also the only man she has ever dated or been with, so being alone is not something that women in Vietnam are taught to do.His family, of course, tells a different story as to the demise of their relationship. I have made it clear what occurred to relatives in the U.S., and our family continues to support her and opening our homes as she makes trips to U.S. to find opportunities for her and her son in America.
"Sincerely I need to say Thank you for the inspiration you have made to my life and career even though you might have not noticed. I have felt the girl power in you that has made me believe in mine. 😊"
After she sent me this message earlier this week and after visuals of mothers who bring their children to pussy riots and #ADayWithoutAWoman, there seems to be a collective movement of wonderful mothers who represent a whole new generation of women that are helping to break the cycle, nurturing strong individuals who have the balance of both the masculine and feminine attributes. Technically, she is my ex-cousin-in-law; however, she will always be a "sister," and I'm proud of her for bucking the system and having the strength and conviction not to let walls and hurdles from stopping her from achieving her dreams.
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