stone skipping (part 8)

If you ever have any doubts of who you are, see yourself through the eyes of others. Last weekend, I found it fascinating to watch my cousin as she emphatically profiled me to her girlfriend. Some of the "facts" I laughingly challenge are not actual facts, but she would have none of it. 

She had sacrificed much of her life for her family. She was not the eldest daughter but was the one that was responsible and felt the Asian guilt to provide for her parents (and extended family). However, her mother had spent her entire life enabling her husband to "mooch" off of her, as well as enabling her sons to do the same. Despite all that her youngest daughter was doing for her, she constantly prioritized her sons, including guilting her daughter to pay her sons' debts and provide for their livelihood.

In many ways, my aunt treats her daughter like my maternal grandmother treats my mother (full circle (part 3)), but exponentially worse. Her mother's treatment of her resulted in all her siblings (as well as her parents' extended family) taking advantage of her in the same way - generations enabling other generations to repeat the cycle (stone skipping (part 7)). My cousin repressed many of her desires and feelings, and it did not take long for me to realize when I first moved to New York City and started hanging out with her that alcohol was the only time she dropped her inhibitions. 

Over the years, despite her denials even to herself, she eventually came out of the closet, probably only to her and me for many years, before she felt comfortable a couple of years ago to do so on social media. Although the rest of her family appear accepting, her parents have been unfriendly to her girlfriend although her parents are living at my cousin's apartment. When she thought about looking for a new place to include her girlfriend as well as her parents, her mother told her to give her current apartment to one of her brothers, as if it belonged to her mother to give away, and stated that her parents would continue to stay there rather than share a roof with her girlfriend.

That was the moment that she fully realized how much her parents took advantage of her rather than appreciate her, as I had been pointing out to her for years. While it was painful to watch her allowing others to use her and for her to stay hidden in the closet, it has been equally a blessing to watch her blossoming now that she is coming into her own and finally standing up for herself and chasing her happiness. 

[On a related but separate note, it was equally pleasurable when discussing her situation with her mother, my dad had initially agreed to talk to his sister. Asian men generally do not get involved in family matters, even less so when it relates to homosexuality. My father's gesture was much appreciated by my cousin for the intent itself, and was a moment of pride to see his acceptance of homosexuality as well as changing the template for parents to take advantage of daughters.]

I may have pushed her to truly love her "self" and to take her power back and planted seeds to her and to her friend (now girlfriend) when I first met her friend for them to get together, but her finding her "self" and her happiness was all her doing and a testament to her inner strength. 

She spent years trying to convince me that I was wrong about her and her situation as part of her denial, so it was surprising to see her passionately relay to her girlfriend how I push people to embrace their true selves, regardless of who that may be. She was the second person that weekend who said I should be a therapist (face of the girl (part 1) and reclaiming the cunt (part 3)).

I am so happy that she has found her "special" as she calls her soulmate.