The ego is the genesis of our insecurities, fears, discrimination, hatred, jealousy, judgments, and every other negative emotion that blocks us from living in our authentic self. It prevents us from being kind and courageous in our actions both to ourselves and to others. The ego is why some view people as possessions. Some would say ego manifests confidence, but I beg to differ. Cockiness is not the same as confidence - one stems from insecurities and the other from self-love.
I have only considered dating one older guy my entire life. While it was not intentional, oddly enough, even in my 20s, the men I was interested in were younger (albeit a couple of years). While I do not particularly like to be "chased," as I believe it should be mutual (reclaiming the cunt (part 3)), this older man had been actively pursuing me for years. It was during a period of time that I was wondering if perhaps the type I was interested in were not the type I should be with (face of the girl (part 1)) so I gave it a bit of a go.
He used to complain about women who were "gold-diggers" yet after learning more about his online dating experience, I tried to explained to him that he manifested that himself. He would contact women who as he stated, were like me (e.g., beautiful, independent and successful) with no luck. However, he would constantly date women who actively pursued him for his money. He could not grasp that his profile was "oozing" of money, as to him, that was his best asset. Women, like me, I tried to rationalize to him do not care about his money and see a profile like his to reek of insecurity and cockiness.
We had a disagreement very early on when he continuously moved my hand and body all over him in public. He viewed me as a "trophy" to feed his ego and wanted others to be envious of him. I dampened the red flags, trying to convince myself that I was unreasonable to dislike someone treating me as a possession. So when a recent older man tried to pursue me when I first moved to the Bay Area, the similar red flags quickly were turn offs. Eventually, it "reared its ugly head" during a drunken happy hour when he criticized me for dating younger men, yet he saw no hypocrisy in his dating younger women.
Rather than letting it go, he dug his heels and allowed his ego to tell mutual friends to not discuss his "private affairs" with me, as well as telling them not to "steal his friend" (a.k.a. me). It was as if he felt that he still had a chance at some point in the future so it was somehow better if I only knew what he wanted to "control" me to know. Yesterday, a mutual friend whom had asked me if she could use my empty lower unit as a temporary office relayed to me that he told her that I only agreed so that I can "come between the two of them." How my agreement to a friend's request can be turned into something that had absolutely nothing to do with another is very self-centered in its rationale.
The colleague in to err is human, to forgive, divine used to constantly communicate to other colleagues that I was mad at him (although I felt indifference about him) so that they would ask me about it. The ego has a way to turn guilt into projections rather than doing something courageous like asking for forgiveness or to stop a person from continuing old templates. Neither my friend nor I could understand how that older man could remotely make a kind gesture into it revolving around him. In the end, we sometimes project onto others our experiences, insecurities, fears and actions when we allow the ego to rule.
A work friend has been cheating on his wife for a year. Although issues in the marriage have preceded the affair, he has never been able to be alone in his life so rationalized why he couldn't divorce the mother of his children at the time. However, now that he's found another partner, he has rationalized why he should divorce his wife, claiming that it had nothing to do with the other woman. After getting caught though, he also refuses to take responsibility and continues his web of lies as he believes it is being "kind" to his wife, who "can't handle the truth". It would seem as if he is the one that cannot live in the truth, to himself, his wife, his paramour or his family.
I am learning that it's not just the typical egotistical people, but also those that allow their ego to dictate their behavior quickly become turn-offs for me. Self-love is part of authenticity and inherently, includes love of and kindness to others. People who are brave and humble to be vulnerable and naked in the truth (the truth shall set you free) of embracing and being their authentic selves ooze sexiness in every pore.
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