blossoming

I really want to be my true self...free, uninhibited, and perhaps even dirty. I'd like to live as who I am. What should I do?

There is a scene in The Naked Director where Megumi is asked why she wants to be in an adult video. It is followed up with what she would like a man to do to her.

First to make me feel safe. Then to hold me...Tighter.

And before anything should continue, she stops, stands up tall, partially disrobes and raising her arms, glorifying in her natural splendor, declares:

Please look at me...This is who I am! 

~ Megumi Sahara, The Naked Director

Raised by a mother who projected all her fears onto the young Megumi, she struggled with the confounds placed on a woman, especially in Japanese society. The financial freedom seemed to have allowed her to cut some of those ties that bound her. However, I have found that the financial freedom also becomes its own bindings in a society that still believes in masculine vs. feminine roles and attributes (man in the mirror and the unboxing). I sometimes catch myself being ashamed of my success and wealth, for its limitations on how others judge or perceive me.

A recent spontaneous opportunity had me exploring full circle (part 9) in its full regalia, with the complexity of the layers from man in the mirror. Of course, I initially welcomed it believing that it was a simple lesson in receiving and a delayed annual birthday trip since full circle (part 6), totally forgetting touchpoint as a recurring theme. The adventure left me with a lot to unpack, ensuring that I was bedridden to allow me to prioritize self-care and reflection.

While it allowed my parents to exhibit their love (standing taller), the first break in my bones taught me that constantly repairing what is in front of us may oftentimes be the longer journey than getting rid of the old and what we know, and embracing the new and being comfortable with the uncomfortable. This wasn't a lesson of receiving but a reminder of an old manifestation that in a decades-long rebellious streak left me venturing on a different path (22), seeking the unconventional without staying true to what kept me alive when I had wanted to disappear (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123) and full circle (part 8)).

We shared stories, had intellectual (and at times, spiritual) conversations (something I find I have deeply missed during my time in the Bay, yet ironically, he's from the Bay), laughed, and were vulnerable with acceptance, and in a simple gesture to strangers at the beach (another flashback to a wish from a prayer - bubble of bliss), what I thought would be a simple lesson in receiving had me looking up at a tall mountain that stood before me as the next adventure to conquer and relish in. I felt a bit of excitement (as I had been itching for the next chapter in my life that I had thought would lead me to Eastern cultures), coupled with some apprehension with the simple synchronicities that sometimes seemed too aligned to be true. 

Perchance, the next chapter is closer to the heart rather than far-off shores. As I am understanding that each of my relationships is a mirroring of a part of me for me to learn more about myself (rippling reflections), the reflection that I saw in that simple gesture to strangers caused me to catch my breath at whom I was seeing from within, followed by a gentle smile and burst of nothing other than what can be described as unadulterated love, in its simplicity and pureness. It has dawned on me in writing this that similar to my surprise at my love languages (modern love and full circle (part 9)), what I have tried so hard to overcome to survive from a 'lack of' turns out to be what my soul needs the most to flourish (11:11 (part 10)).

Thoughts of the raven/masculine energy that has been my source of self-protection (bubble of bliss and leap of faith) has me thinking that perhaps my pendulum has swung too far in the quest for freedom and liberation that I forwent the teachings of Taoism and balance. Alfred Adler's concept of organ inferiority focuses on how the body adapts and compensates for physical deficiencies, at times causing our other senses to strengthen. In a relatively short time, my left leg and arms have had to flex its muscles, and my head has been dealt a few bumps (more like a bruised ego in my stubborn insistence in maneuvering this setback alone). Adler notes though that the compensation can be taken to extremes, resulting in overcompensation, more so based on one's psyche rather than the body's adaptive system.

When discussing shibaru and the intricacy of my orgasms, it seemed natural for me to understand that the bindings and the grounding are what brings me back into a cocoon of safety and nurturing. As Megumi highlighted, having someone hold onto us tightly empowers us to drop the walls that held us up so that we can relax into ourselves, as she visibly let her body find comfort in Toru Muranishi's embrace. In her giving in, his entire being shifted and his nurturing side took over, where she relaxed into being taken care of and his ministrations.

Of course, my podiatrist said that it was a complicated fracture that can be fixed with a simple procedure. I have learned part of the lesson in its physical form but the next chapter seems anything but simple albeit rather rewarding and intoxicating. In what seemed like an obscure reference at first, Megumi and Toru appear to be creating their own "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" paths when they chanced upon each other. 

As is the case with soulmates, perhaps their/our paths will continue to cross, melding at times, but full of adrenaline rushes nonetheless. In a combination of old and new manifestations, it is interesting that I noted my attraction to Mars in Scorpio (or Aquarius) in face of the girl (part 1). As with the three of swords, I am reminded that I am where I need to be, and with the fracture in the fifth metatarsal, I am having to learn patience in the healing required, hopefully coming out as the bionic woman (or at least foot) on the other side, and reconnecting or rather re-defining my 'style of life', as Adler dubs it.