saudade (part 4)

When I started on this recent journey to Hawai'i, I somehow knew that Ka Makuahine would be instrumental in connecting the different parts of me to the present (saudade (part 1)). When the event from spiritual masters transpired, I didn't quite understand what was happening and how it escalated. My muscle memory had me triggered but the unboxing had me realize that it was exactly what I had manifested. Like the Matryoshka doll, opening one doll leads to another one until the last one (the baby, so to speak). The history of the Matryoshka ("little matron") dolls stem from the Fukurama figurine with nested Buddhist sage but its main purpose is 'to surprise' as each one is unique. I was surprised at where this path eventually took me.

What seemed at the time to feel as if I was misunderstood once again, and the little girl, who always cried in her frustration of having to exert so much energy to be heard, showed up that night. The timing was critical and turned out to be the Fall Equinox.

"Today is also the Fall Equinox, a moment in time where balance and harmony are magnified...This is the time of the year where we feel the balance between the dark and the light. We are also preparing for a more internal and reflective half of the year. These equinox and solstice portals are great times to practice meditation and activations to realign our energy field."

~ Jai Gobind - Moon Magic Report, September 21-27 

Marianne Williamson defines a 'miracle' as a shift in perspective in A Return to Love. When I was first learning about Law of Attraction and vibrations, it seemed as if we attract the vibration or thoughts we give off. Initially, I viewed that as the vibration that I was emanating that caused me to attract narcissism, for example. Yet, processing this experience with a magical friend who always seem to give me courage to peel back the layers to get to the baby (or little girl), I realized that it was much more nuanced. 

The next layer is that energy/vibrations does not distinguish between 'want' and 'not want' so rather than focusing on what we don't want, we should believe in what we want. I have been guilty of applying this concept incorrectly. The guest/woman tried to not so subtly imply that I was the source of drama when she stated that she never attracts drama. Yet, we are having that moment where clearly she is perceiving a situation as drama and reacting to it herself.

The next layer and the shift that I am now seeing is that it isn't about what we supposedly attract but more about how we respond to it. The so-called drama is all around us but are we perceiving it as drama or better yet, are we responding to it as such, or are we impervious to it? That teaching seemed a lot quicker to apply when posing the question of why am I attracting narcissism to shift to why am I attracted to it? The former contains mild whiffs of victim shadow despite appearing to take responsibility for the vibrations/energy that we are emitting. Yet the latter, is much more empowering to truly own that we can choose to walk away from that and retrain the muscle memory that has me attracted to such energy.

Two recent events had me being told that the person doesn't believe me after speaking my truth. Yet when I called attention to the fact that he is either accusing me of lying or he has trust issues with me, he denied both, and at the same time, accused me of being defensive. The same energy that I felt when the woman above blamed me for her reaction based on an energy she is perceiving from me despite me again speaking my truth that was counter to her claims. He is a friend so after plowing through the uncomfortableness as we had similar willingness to resolve the situation, he acknowledged that he should be more mindful about modifying his language to 'I don't understand you' rather than 'I don't believe you'. She, however, shut down all communications as if somehow I was invading her boundaries. As Williamson notes in her livestream (September 20, 2022) we can all learn from each other and humility exists in the application of that. We should want to engage with people who don't always agree with us, yet "some people would rather die than change their minds."

My neighbor, who recognizes that she is slowly finding her strength in healing from trauma, quickly set the boundary to stay away from the negative energy she felt from guest (spiritual masters), I have learned since full circle (part 2) that many boundaries should be temporary as we work through our traumas and triggers. Many use boundaries to imply that someone is crossing it to somehow intentionally trigger the person. While this is true, the other side of that coin is that we should take responsibility for healing what triggers us so that it is no longer our response. She felt energetically that the guest is a 'bully', which that little girl in me who showed up clearly felt that night when I found myself apologizing for my truth.

Interestingly, I had asked the guest the question about the collective energy that seemed to repeat history with Hitler via Trump. She dodged it by stating that it is a much longer discussion than what she wanted to engage in. The universe heard my question though and in a few succinct sentences, Williamson answered my question the next day in her livestream. Williamson echos my belief that people are basically good. Those who hate though hate with conviction and are much louder, whereas 'love is whispering'. When the neighbor mentioned what she felt from the guest's energy, I recognized how much space the guest has taken up in her short time here. Her scent, her things, and her energy seem to command attention and take space.

When I was asked if I would leave to get away from the negative energy, I knew that courage and growth comes from not running away from the discomfort. This is also my temporary home. She's the guest, and I am choosing to not let her silence my truth, especially as with any bullies, they get their power from the illusion that they have instilled fear in others. I am grateful for my magical friend who is always a source to ground and help me understand each layer that unfolds, and the various messages from the universe to remind me that I am right where I need to be.

It was good to be reminded that there is power in staying true to ourselves and not be triggered as the other person may be forced to look in the mirror when the energy they are giving off isn't 'bounced back' in another human that they can blame, much like my colleague in to err is human, to forgive, divine.

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

~ C.G. Jung 

David Hawkins also mentions this in Power vs. Force when he illustrates the high vibrations of Alcoholics Anonymous that one of the earlier steps is being honest with oneself, or as Williamson terms 'fearless moral inventory' of oneself. I have forgiven myself for apologizing that night and letting someone bully my truth into silence. But that experience taught me one thing about the little girl who has been struggling to be understood. In the same light as Brené Brown's adage about people 'earning the right to your vulnerability', the only person that needs to understand me is me. I know my heart, I know my intentions, and I know my willingness. I am standing true to being of service to others as my North Node emphasizes.

"We need to coddle each other's neuroses less and honor each other's greatness more, not from a sense of ego because you happen to be great. [ACIM] says all of the children of God are special and none of the children of God are special. You have greatness within you. It is a power in you but not of you. As we say here all the time, you are not the water, you're the faucet. But as I said before, he says do not be concerned about your own readiness, just be consistently aware of mine. If you're afraid to go forth into any day or any situation, he says in [ACIM], the presence of fear is a sure sign that you're trusting in your own strength. You can be great in any situation. Not because of you but because of he who lives within you. That there is within us no more and no less, than in anyone else, a spirit that can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. that can do nothing short of working miracles. That can lift us up. That can give us charisma. Charisma is a spiritual term. It means 'of the spirit'."

~ Marianne Williamson - How to Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

I would be open to trying to understand the guest (and anyone else) if and when she decides to show up as her authentic self (man in the mirror), but I now understand why she didn't bother to try to understand me, and that little girl is jumping for joy that I have performed a 'miracle' and shifted my perspective.

"What is not loved is not understood."

~ Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love