heart beats

Traveling again, especially to less developed countries, makes COVID seem like an episode of the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror. While some still wear masks, most are doing so to protect from the smog and pollution, especially when the primary mode of transportation is motorbikes. While many in my circle, including myself, contracted COVID, with some, as many as four+ times, luckily, none passed away from it.

But what will never fully be quantified will be the deaths that occurred because of COVID's impact in the world, from logistics/economy (e.g., overtaxed medical system, inability to get food and resources to those in need due to transportation and/or financial constraints) to mental health (e.g., depression, broken relationships, stress). The huge demand for emotional support animals also resulted in the unfortunate abandonment of such furry friends when life adjusted to a new normal, ranging from an increase of 25% in places like England to 50% in India. 

At the same time, in a country where animals were generally kept for functional purposes (e.g., security or rodent management), I was surprised and elated to see how pets are now being treated in Vietnam, with a significant increase in pet clinics/veterinarians, groomers, boarders, and even cat cafes for people to pay to spend time with the kitties. Walking past a Vietnamese man sitting on a little stool at a local street cafe cuddling and talking to his canine pal made my heart smile. Of course, the experience made me think of baby girl, followed by the excitement of the imminent adoption of her kin.

While I had wished I had captured the loving scene for my IG stories (a new way to catalog my travels), I was happy to just be present. Seeing an IG message from an old high school friend, who had shared that she had been enjoying my travel 'stories', I was saddened to hear the passing of my prom 'date' the day before. He had died of a heart attack in his sleep. He marks the third man in my circle and age group, with the other two being college classmates, who have been victims of the leading cause of deaths in the US since the start of the pandemic. Another close friend who was a surrogate father at a point in my life also succumbed to the disease; however, he was older and had a history battling the disease.

Unlike with the 'surrogate father', there was no warning, and perhaps with the stresses of the pandemic, it became the silent killer that we can't prepare for. When I had gotten word that Jay (22 and 11:11 (part 10)) passed right before Christmas 2020, intermixed with the initial shock was a smile and a knowing that Jay had beat us all in accomplishing his life's dream, that kept us up late at night for hours just connecting and talking about all the complexities of life. I knew that where I may have missed my initial train (11:11 (part 10)), Jay made his. I still feel Jay with me at times, as recently as saudade (part 6).

I knew that most news happen in Facebook, so upon hearing the news about my prom 'date', I temporarily reinstated Facebook, something I had deleted since the pandemic, to find that the news of his passing had not made it there yet. However, it was with a happy yet saudade heart that I soon discovered that he recently got married in December 2022. We weren't really in contact since high school, as I left a lot of that trauma behind for me. But when I had joined Facebook in late 2008, he found me and had messaged me to see how I was doing. We must have kept in touch sporadically after that as I have his contact information. In looking at our Facebook messenger chat, the next and last time we had contact was before the pandemic, when I had sent him a YouTube video on 'Twin Flames/Soulmates/Divine Partners - Searching For Answers', it must have been in response to a post he had as my intro was 'this may help you'.

As with Jay, I knew Steven had finally realized his dream. Much like Helen in Sliding Doors, he met his boo. He had struggled so long to come out of the closet and find 'home'. It seems fitting that it is also Pride Month, which although there still isn't a parade in Ho Chi Minh City to commemorate it, there are more visible signs including companies supporting and sponsoring activities around the city. It brings me such peace to know that for all of these men in my life, they were surrounded by love when their hearts stopped beating.

* * * * *

Update August 20, 2023:

At the age of 33, her heart also stopped in the middle of the night. As a pre-teen, she was diagnosed with long QT syndrome that caused her parents to pull her out of soccer which she loved. As an adult, she made the decision to live life and not let the condition debilitate her. Skydiving for her was not only defying gravity but also her genetic predisposition. She forgave easily and loved fully. Her family gifted me her last creation that had a special meaning to her, from the careful curation of the gemstones for their meaning and her favorite colors to her spirit animal that contain three hearts and nine brains, one in each tentacle and the biggest brain-to-body ratio of the invertebrates, making it one of the most intelligent marine species.

My Octopus Teacher brought us into their worlds, showing us the ability for these colorful creatures to form relationships with humans. While known to be solitary creatures, scientists are recently discovering the complexity of their ability to form relationships among themselves, utilizing colors to communicate, and with other species. In one experiment, four octopi were given MDMA, and despite serotonin transporters nearly identical to humans, scientists had hypothesized that its lack of the parts of the brain that results in behavioral changes from drug use would override, negating any impacts. They were surprised to see that the octopi were all cuddly.

This behavior has usually only been observed during mating, which marks the beginning of senescence and their eventual deaths. The female spends over six months guarding her thousands of eggs, unable to catch prey to nourish herself, slowing starving herself and with her last breath, uses her siphon to blow the hatchlings into their new world.

In her own way, Jessica left those she loved with parts of herself that will guide them to their new 'world'. I finished her special mala today before her memorial service. After cleansing and charging the energy in the moonlight, I set the intention of the mala to live fully and love wholeheartedly. While already on the journey of carpe diem and 11:11 (part 4), I know along with Jay, Jess will guide me towards the remainder of my journey.

saudade (part 6)

When a ripple turns out to be a tsunami, the consultant in me wonders if it could have been avoided. Perhaps the recent return of the raven from bubble of bliss was an omen. During the witching hours, I seem to have received downloads that allowed me to detach from my hurt/trauma, and piece together various communications over the last few months. I have spent my entire life connecting dots, trying to make sense of what isn't being said, looking for red flags to protect myself from being preyed upon as my self-preservation. bluebird taught me that someone's negative behavior could be less about me but more about cognitive dissonance to the self.

While we may have similar love languages of touch and words of affirmation and personality type of pioneer, our approach to life, including ways of communication or getting to know people, are at times, vastly different. I have learned to over-communicate to minimize misunderstandings over the years, yet with an ADHD brain, I am learning that large chunks of communication and at rapid pace can be overwhelming to the point that it is not received properly as the executive function may jumble the details.

I wasn't sure where the tears of joy were coming from as I excitedly shared that I may be beginning to understand what had been going on with us from his side, but rather than connect the dots of what wasn't being said, I found myself trying to parse the words he did say over time, and ATTUNE it from his perspective rather than mine. In researching communication differences with someone with ADHD, I was surprised to read from Don't Just Talk, Communicate that becoming confrontational, including blaming others or shutting down conversations/conflict resolution (behaviors that trigger me), was a common behavior. Clamming up or confused/scattered thoughts/musings have also previously triggered me because from past experiences with exes, these were defensive tactics from someone who didn't want to be accountable, rather than from someone whose brain functions differently.

I find myself being more grateful now, rather than frustrated or triggered, at the times when he communicates that we need to pause because he's not able to receive the information. Some of that may have to do with shutting down communication, but some of that is the ability to manage the information. As with bluebird, similar behaviors may not have nefarious reasons. Perhaps, unlike others who preceded him, it truly is subconscious.

When I woke up at the witching hour this time, the title of a video had me wondering if it was a message, but it led to a few other ones, culminating in one that explains why the over-reaction (tsunami) needed to happen.

I needed to learn to release my sense of self to truly hear the other. I needed the tsunami (pain-body) for me to see that comparing how others treat me to how they treat others, created a lot of trauma/re-triggering that stemmed from childhood, when perhaps I am just in a category of my own and should just focus on the happiness and fun I'm feeling in the NOW, a reminder to be present and not let thoughts become unwanted manifestations. My tears of joy, it would seem, was from the happiness of realizing that he was changing his patterns and that I was processing traumas/patterns from the mirroring that was being reflected back to me. In doing so, we are getting a step closer to a transcendence level.

On Instagram this morning, someone posted a recommendation for the Four Seasons in Koh Samui, taking me back to bubble of bliss. I had been highlighting to him that our love will never be like the 'great' love that he was perhaps comparing to as it is different. In a moment of saudade, I realized the irony that our love is also very different from the 'great' connection I felt in bubble of bliss. It feels more light and liberating, not obsessive, but like a sense of being home. I manifested this relationship; I manifested these experiences of pain-body in order for us to break cycles; and I manifested this love from the feeling I felt in Koh Samui to something beyond what I understood love to be at that time, unattached to anyone. It was also a reminder that I'm still manifesting that bath in a tub with a view like that in our villa in Koh Samui, and I'm grateful for someone who enjoys bathtime.

extra-terrestrial

Although my recollection of my first plane ride was our band trip to NYC for the Macy's Parade my senior year (stamp collection), the reality is that the first plane was the one that took us from Asia to a refugee camp in the US. Throughout my childhood, we rarely took family vacations but when we did, it was usually a road trip to visit relatives in California. Sometimes, it seemed as if we packed more food and beverages for the multi-day trips than clothing. 

Perhaps from an innate fear of authorities, stemming from years in a communist country, being stopped at the state line caused some consternation between my parents. Unaware of the laws, they were confused when the officials at the border checkpoint had us turn over all produce, only to watch them dump them in the trash. Exposure to farms and/or transportation of meat or produce are common questions on all immigration forms worldwide. 

After getting approved for Global Entry, my first overseas trip was my friends' wedding in Spain many years ago. Excited to bring back a taste of the delicacy of jamon (cured ham), we went to a number of local spots to find properly packaged, quality jamon. Thinking my luck had turned, I was pulled for customs inspection, only to find out afterwards that the system automatically flags people based on travel locals (such as France, Germany, Italy or Spain for any cured meats) and profiles (e.g., new Global Entry individuals) to inspect. The official, with my name and picture in hand, was intentionally looking for me. Although the fine is up to $10k, the inspector luckily let me off with a warning after throwing away my expensive 'souvenir', most likely the initiation rite for many new members.

Like California, Hawai'i has strict regulations in order to manage insect infestations and disease outbreak that would be detrimental to the natural flora or fauna that would not have the natural defenses to protect itself from such species. Hawai'i, with its isolation in the Pacific Ocean, has uniquely adapted endemic species that would be highly sensitive to exposure to and/or competition from invasive species. Endemism is almost ten times richer on islands than on mainland. Rats, fire ants, mosquitoes, coqui frogs and asiatic rhinoceros beetle, to name a few, did not exist on the islands until the advent of foreigners. Even intentional introduction of foreign species had unintended consequences that have wreaked havoc upon the natural habitat. 

Mongooses were brought in to control the rat population in sugar cane fields; however, they are active during the day while rats are nocturnal creatures. Given their opportunistic predatory behavior, rather than control the rat population, it resulted in a reduction of snails, palms and nesting birds, which feed on rats, thereby increasing the rat population. In the 1800s, strawberry guava was brought in as an edible fruit but now threatens endemic flora and fauna because of its shade-casting thickets and dense mats of surface feeder roots.

Hawai'i also has strict guidelines and quarantine restrictions for pets, including service animals, which makes it a challenge for the spontaneous travelers. While the Big Island is the largest of the Hawaiian islands, its population is only a quarter of that of Oahu, the location of the capital. It is known for its agricultural and vast micro-climates, containing 10 of the 14 Köppen climate subzones, practically all but the ones in the Cool Snow Forest climate.

In addition to the active volcanos on the island (juxtaposition), soil transport is also an issue between the micro-climates of the Big Island, with signs warning visitors about bringing unwanted species from footwear or pets. Locals are mindful about acquiring plants from nearby resources rather than other parts of the island for fear of introducing unwanted pests onto their lands. Living on the mainland, even as a resident of the Bay Area, I was unaware of the magnitude of the dangers and long-term effects to the economy and ecology, amounting to over $120 billion to control and combat the impacts in the U.S. alone.

saudade (part 5)

I have learned in my life journey that there are no coincidences in life. The relationships we choose to engage in represent mirrors to our souls. If we have the courage to see what is reflected back to us in our behaviors and reactions to the other, we can unveil some latent part of us that needs to be seen and heard. In May Pang's Why We Need Bad Things to Happen to Us, she highlights the universal truth that we can only appreciate who we are today if we know what the journey that got us here, and with the Taoist principle of duality, one can only appreciate the light, if he/she knows the darkness.

Working through my fears of 'unwantedness' or 'being hidden' has manifested throughout my life in so many layers like the Matryoshka doll (saudade (part 4)), chipping away at different facets of the same theme. While I thought that they were behind me (hide 'n seek, full circle (part 2), full circle (part 3), full circle (part 4), full circle (part 8), and lost 'n found), it came roaring its ugly head. Perhaps the random contacts from two recent exes who kept stoking these themes throughout our relationships should have been the portent that told me to brace myself. Yet doing things differently this time, and handing the keys to my inner demons to someone had me foolishly believing I had guarded myself from them coming back up. Needless to say, I was not prepared. I found myself curling up as that little girl again. In the cocoon of my own bed, I knew I needed a little miracle as Marianne Williamson says and shift my perspective (saudade (part 4)). 

I wanted to run. I wanted to see it as a sign that this journey, while short-lived, had served its purpose. Yet I knew that it was that part of me that had reservations for starting this journey in the first place, and where there is fear, it is a place I need to walk in. Within my glance was the box of curated items representing the hope of where the journey could go with intentional exploration and connection at a deeper level, and in that moment, the miracle in shifting my perspective had me realizing that I needed to make a different choice than running. As my friend recently reminded me (spiritual masters and saudade (part 4)), elevating one's energy/vibrations isn't about who you attract but what you're attracted to, and the people with those negative energies will always be around us...how we react to it is the choice for us to change our pattern(s). Rather than choosing to lick my wounds and becry the supposed retraumatization, I realized that this was just as much about my triggers as it was his.

While I thought overcoming my ego and reaching out to resolve things when I was the one who got hurt was the toughest challenge, it turned out being ignored and trivialized steeled my resolve that there was more to this than met the eye. Luckily, I had another incident early on as a frame of reference to how he handles situations and the drastic difference in the two reactions solidified my knowing that something else was going on with him that perhaps he himself wasn't aware of, as hurt people hurt others despite their best intentions.

Yet, there is a learning to be had in any negative experience, and as Pang noted, one of the outcomes when bad things happen is that it can result in 'serendipitous discoveries'. I did learn more about myself this weekend. Like how I was surprised to learn that one of my love languages is touch, something I was deprived of in childhood (saudade (part 2) and modern love), I unpeeled another 'layer of the onion' in my draw to shibari and/or BDSM. What I had thought was driven by an opportunity to relinquish control to someone else, the duality of someone who has had to be independent and responsible her whole life (ftale) may be more along the path of where full circle (part 9) was taking me and why I still struggle to receive without feeling the need to reciprocate or trusting that there are no conditions in the purity of the gesture (blossoming and surrendering to the unknown). In the moments that the rope is binding me like a kiss or a hug or with the pleasurable pain of the flog, I can surrender to trusting that someone is finally going to take care of me and has my best interest at heart.

saudade (part 4)

When I started on this recent journey to Hawai'i, I somehow knew that Ka Makuahine would be instrumental in connecting the different parts of me to the present (saudade (part 1)). When the event from spiritual masters transpired, I didn't quite understand what was happening and how it escalated. My muscle memory had me triggered but the unboxing had me realize that it was exactly what I had manifested. Like the Matryoshka doll, opening one doll leads to another one until the last one (the baby, so to speak). The history of the Matryoshka ("little matron") dolls stem from the Fukurama figurine with nested Buddhist sage but its main purpose is 'to surprise' as each one is unique. I was surprised at where this path eventually took me.

What seemed at the time to feel as if I was misunderstood once again, and the little girl, who always cried in her frustration of having to exert so much energy to be heard, showed up that night. The timing was critical and turned out to be the Fall Equinox.

"Today is also the Fall Equinox, a moment in time where balance and harmony are magnified...This is the time of the year where we feel the balance between the dark and the light. We are also preparing for a more internal and reflective half of the year. These equinox and solstice portals are great times to practice meditation and activations to realign our energy field."

~ Jai Gobind - Moon Magic Report, September 21-27 

Marianne Williamson defines a 'miracle' as a shift in perspective in A Return to Love. When I was first learning about Law of Attraction and vibrations, it seemed as if we attract the vibration or thoughts we give off. Initially, I viewed that as the vibration that I was emanating that caused me to attract narcissism, for example. Yet, processing this experience with a magical friend who always seem to give me courage to peel back the layers to get to the baby (or little girl), I realized that it was much more nuanced. 

The next layer is that energy/vibrations does not distinguish between 'want' and 'not want' so rather than focusing on what we don't want, we should believe in what we want. I have been guilty of applying this concept incorrectly. The guest/woman tried to not so subtly imply that I was the source of drama when she stated that she never attracts drama. Yet, we are having that moment where clearly she is perceiving a situation as drama and reacting to it herself.

The next layer and the shift that I am now seeing is that it isn't about what we supposedly attract but more about how we respond to it. The so-called drama is all around us but are we perceiving it as drama or better yet, are we responding to it as such, or are we impervious to it? That teaching seemed a lot quicker to apply when posing the question of why am I attracting narcissism to shift to why am I attracted to it? The former contains mild whiffs of victim shadow despite appearing to take responsibility for the vibrations/energy that we are emitting. Yet the latter, is much more empowering to truly own that we can choose to walk away from that and retrain the muscle memory that has me attracted to such energy.

Two recent events had me being told that the person doesn't believe me after speaking my truth. Yet when I called attention to the fact that he is either accusing me of lying or he has trust issues with me, he denied both, and at the same time, accused me of being defensive. The same energy that I felt when the woman above blamed me for her reaction based on an energy she is perceiving from me despite me again speaking my truth that was counter to her claims. He is a friend so after plowing through the uncomfortableness as we had similar willingness to resolve the situation, he acknowledged that he should be more mindful about modifying his language to 'I don't understand you' rather than 'I don't believe you'. She, however, shut down all communications as if somehow I was invading her boundaries. As Williamson notes in her livestream (September 20, 2022) we can all learn from each other and humility exists in the application of that. We should want to engage with people who don't always agree with us, yet "some people would rather die than change their minds."

My neighbor, who recognizes that she is slowly finding her strength in healing from trauma, quickly set the boundary to stay away from the negative energy she felt from guest (spiritual masters), I have learned since full circle (part 2) that many boundaries should be temporary as we work through our traumas and triggers. Many use boundaries to imply that someone is crossing it to somehow intentionally trigger the person. While this is true, the other side of that coin is that we should take responsibility for healing what triggers us so that it is no longer our response. She felt energetically that the guest is a 'bully', which that little girl in me who showed up clearly felt that night when I found myself apologizing for my truth.

Interestingly, I had asked the guest the question about the collective energy that seemed to repeat history with Hitler via Trump. She dodged it by stating that it is a much longer discussion than what she wanted to engage in. The universe heard my question though and in a few succinct sentences, Williamson answered my question the next day in her livestream. Williamson echos my belief that people are basically good. Those who hate though hate with conviction and are much louder, whereas 'love is whispering'. When the neighbor mentioned what she felt from the guest's energy, I recognized how much space the guest has taken up in her short time here. Her scent, her things, and her energy seem to command attention and take space.

When I was asked if I would leave to get away from the negative energy, I knew that courage and growth comes from not running away from the discomfort. This is also my temporary home. She's the guest, and I am choosing to not let her silence my truth, especially as with any bullies, they get their power from the illusion that they have instilled fear in others. I am grateful for my magical friend who is always a source to ground and help me understand each layer that unfolds, and the various messages from the universe to remind me that I am right where I need to be.

It was good to be reminded that there is power in staying true to ourselves and not be triggered as the other person may be forced to look in the mirror when the energy they are giving off isn't 'bounced back' in another human that they can blame, much like my colleague in to err is human, to forgive, divine.

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

~ C.G. Jung 

David Hawkins also mentions this in Power vs. Force when he illustrates the high vibrations of Alcoholics Anonymous that one of the earlier steps is being honest with oneself, or as Williamson terms 'fearless moral inventory' of oneself. I have forgiven myself for apologizing that night and letting someone bully my truth into silence. But that experience taught me one thing about the little girl who has been struggling to be understood. In the same light as Brené Brown's adage about people 'earning the right to your vulnerability', the only person that needs to understand me is me. I know my heart, I know my intentions, and I know my willingness. I am standing true to being of service to others as my North Node emphasizes.

"We need to coddle each other's neuroses less and honor each other's greatness more, not from a sense of ego because you happen to be great. [ACIM] says all of the children of God are special and none of the children of God are special. You have greatness within you. It is a power in you but not of you. As we say here all the time, you are not the water, you're the faucet. But as I said before, he says do not be concerned about your own readiness, just be consistently aware of mine. If you're afraid to go forth into any day or any situation, he says in [ACIM], the presence of fear is a sure sign that you're trusting in your own strength. You can be great in any situation. Not because of you but because of he who lives within you. That there is within us no more and no less, than in anyone else, a spirit that can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. that can do nothing short of working miracles. That can lift us up. That can give us charisma. Charisma is a spiritual term. It means 'of the spirit'."

~ Marianne Williamson - How to Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

I would be open to trying to understand the guest (and anyone else) if and when she decides to show up as her authentic self (man in the mirror), but I now understand why she didn't bother to try to understand me, and that little girl is jumping for joy that I have performed a 'miracle' and shifted my perspective.

"What is not loved is not understood."

~ Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

spiritual masters

When I reflect upon the (wo)man in mirror, I am reminded of the many spiritual masters who have graced this planet and left tools for us to work through our individual journeys to a world of love. They all share the same message, just in different ways that hopefully will resonate with different people. In each of us is the Holy Spirit (our Higher Selves) that guides us, yet we have ancestral DNA and/or childhood traumas that put up barriers to us trusting ourselves.

When I started on the path of exploration of connecting with my body (face of the girl (part 2) and YUMmy), it did not come from a place of love but from a place of resentment and rebellion with a touch of the Italian chin flick to say 'I don't care'. In line with the Law of Cause and Effect, this brought on a lot of learnings that didn't necessarily come up in the most healthy ways but in searching for tools to process what bubbled up, the universe guided me towards a journey of spiritual awakening that finally had me tap into deeper learnings from early sources in my life like A Conversation with God (to err is human, to forgive, divine) or the Christian Bible that at the time, certain parts did not make a lot of sense.

"Spirituality is the path of the heart. It is the path of using the mind in a loving way. But in order to do this, we must discipline ourselves to do so because the world view, the mental filter, that dominates the planet is not a mental filter based on love. It is a mental filter that is based on fear. And so, '[A] Course in Miracles' [("ACIM")] tells us that even though we were born with the natural tendency to give and to receive love from a very early age, we are taught a world view that is not based on love and proactively, repudiates and resists love. As a consequence, [ACIM] says by the time we are pretty early age, that which is natural thinking actually feels unnatural to us. And that which is unnatural feels natural. so that we instinctively at this point go from the wrong-minded perception. We are instinctively lured and tempted towards the anger, towards the toughness, towards the separation, towards the attack and towards the defense. The spiritual journey is a dismantling of the thought system that dominates the world. [ACIM] says enlightenment is not a learning. It is an unlearning. It is an unlearning of perspective of fear and substituting instead the perspective of love, which is God's perspective, which is natural to who we are."

~ Marianne Williamson - How To Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

With that also came a number of people coming in and out of my orbit on their own spiritual journey. Yet similar to the sex positive community, I have discovered a lot of people who have used spirituality as a way to manipulate others and/or to self-declare that they are enlightened beings as if it is some special badge. Having fallen into the lure and sense of belonging that organized religion provides and the subsequent detrimental judgement and outcasting that brings on isolation and detachment, I have luckily been able to 'feel' those situations and not get too enmeshed. With the current political environment all over the world, the psychology behind cults have taken center stage with many saying that the followers have been brainwashed, implying that people can't think for themselves.

"The Secret" movie was created to share a universal law that isn't so secret and can even be found in ancient texts, including Matthew 21:22, to the masses. In what appears to be someone's moment of sales/get/scarcity mentality (looking out for self) rather than service/give/abundance mentality (looking out for others), Abraham Hicks was asked to give up their intellectual property or be removed from the production. Although contractually, they had a viable suit, they decided to walk the path of least resistance with the guidance from Abraham that says "Whenever you are given an ultimatum that says, 'if you don't do this, then we will have to do such and such,' it is best that you just let it go and move on. Otherwise, there is always another, and this, and this, and this?" Unfortunately, the critical moments that were scrapped also provided the context in utilizing Law of Attraction from a place of service rather than self, leaving "The Secret" to feel a lot about manifesting material attachments. Ironically, "The Secret" talks about knowledge being surpressed; however, by removing Abraham Hicks, they have further suppressed the "secret" by 'dumbing down' the guidance without the spiritual context.

In both the sex positive and spiritual communities, I have witnessed how words like 'consent', 'compersion', 'law of attraction', 'manifestation', 'nonviolent communications', 'high vibrational people', etc. have been used in vain and becomes back-handed judgements to further isolate people (into fear) rather than support a sense of belonging (into love). If someone doesn't have money flowing towards them, it is perceived as the person having a lot of blockages and therefore, unable to manifest money. Yet in the spirit of the Law of Attraction, manifesting for the ego is the antithesis to coming from a place of love.

"Language is a leader's charisma. It's what empowers them to create a mini universe - a system of values and truths - and then compel their followers to heed its rules...Without language, there are no 'cults'...But with a glimmer of willingness, language can do so much to squash independent thinking, obscure truths, encourage confirmation bias, and emotionally charge experiences such that no other way of life seems possible."

~ Amanda Montell (Daily Beast, June 27, 2021) 

While there isn't an overarching leader, the New Age movement that has people migrating to Tulum, Bali or Hawaii has quite the cult following, including various sects with defined leaders like The Miracle School where leaders have been accused of abusing their power and manipulating followers for perverse goals. Many of these sects work much like a Ponzi scheme, encouraging followers to recruit others to create their own mini-community. Followers feel judged and shamed for not 'doing the work' to gain some magical enlightenment. I have found that many, in and out of these mini-communities, profess to have gifts like channeling, energy work, past lives readings, etc. One day they may be talking about their traumas, and the next they have 'fixed' all their traumas and are now providing these 'magical' services, claiming that they are coming from a place of love and light, yet watching them in their everyday interactions indicate otherwise. 

Talking about how they only hang out with 'high vibe' people or stating that they don't attract drama at the same time that they are implying that you are bringing the drama into their lives or claiming that their negative reaction to you was a response based on the energy that they supposedly saw coming from you ... seems like a lot of gaslighting, projection and lack of awareness that they are the other side of that equation that they are not taking the responsibility for their own actions/reactions as they talk down to you from their pedestal of 'light worker' and violating your energy and/or manipulating and silencing you by stating that they supposedly can see that your energy does not come from love, despite you knowing otherwise. Jesus did not 'boast' about being the son of God and all his 'magical' gifts when he was washing the feet of his disciples. He did not claim that someone's truth wasn't true. The gifts are all in us, and as with such powers come responsibility and morals to use them ethically. Consent is not only a term in the sexual realm but also in the spiritual to not violate someone's energy.  As Montell notes, stating something that cannot be validated such as what one perceives as another's energy or motivation without considering one's filter and confirmation bias can be damaging and toxic in a community where others have suspended independent thinking and follow the majority.

Much like reclaiming the cunt (part 1) and a box of crayons, alarm bells started ringing in my ears when someone yesterday made reference to ACIM seemingly to validate her point of view that people are responsible for going through their own journey without anyone sharing their experiences for the person to make a more informed decision and/or so the person can learn from others' experiences, lest it takes away their free will. When she brought up the analogy, she seemed to be confusing the not being able to make a horse drink with not even leading the horse to water, implying that none of it was our responsibility. This didn't seem aligned to my current experience with the teachings emphasizing that we are here to be of service to others and look out for each other, as we are all connected. While a horse may be responsible for drinking the water, the collective can at least step in to lead the horse to water and guide it in how to satiate its thirst. 

This concept of letting people fend for themselves is quite like the mindset of some women and minorities in Corporate America that feel as if someone has to go through the same trials and tribulations to get to the top rather than paving the way for others and mentoring them. There is a saying of the collective consciousness, "I heal you, I heal myself. I heal me, I heal you." Rather than having a healthy debate, any counter thought was quickly dismissed. When the herd mentality kicks in, the one who dares to check in with his/her self is left isolated. Unfortunately, that little girl teared up in her frustration and found herself apologizing, when nobody should apologize for sticking to their truths (saudade (part 4)).

In the past, these moments of un-ease would have me in my head all night, questioning everything. But somewhere in the discomfort, I had passed out and while I know I dreamt, I couldn't remember any specifics but it was the calm knowing that caused me to wake up with a big smile on my face this morning. I re-listened to Williamson's livestream yesterday, and although it seemed to just be information to absorb yesterday, her words today only reinforced that knowing that I woke up with. While many of the New Agers focus on the concept of taking responsibility for our own healing, they have neglected the collective conscious. She emphasizes that we can misuse the mind but we cannot 'obliterate the eternal connection'. While some in the herd want to hang out in neutral territory, ACIM, according to Williamson, says that there are no neutral thoughts. If we are not creating light, then darkness will creep in. She notes that good intentions are not enough, providing the analogy that one shouldn't just let a person shoot heroin, thinking that the person will have a lot of time to figure it out themselves. We have things to teach each other, and ACIM points out that each of us are only a half step ahead or behind each other. So if whoever we may teach (or demonstrate to) is only a half step behind us; if we weren't as far back as we are, who would demonstrate to that person otherwise?

Another tell of the gifts being misused was when she had disclosed only a few hours before she referenced ACIM to supposedly validate her point that she hadn't and didn't feel the need to read ACIM, perhaps implying that she already knew its wisdom. Williamson often points out that she has been studying it since the 1970s and still views herself as a pupil in its application. I realized how much someone's ego can quickly have me retraining my muscle memory, honing in on my intuition and trusting my self. For the same reason why I read the Bible (cover to cover) so that I could call into question how many misquote/misuse the Bible for selfish reasons, this has just boost my conviction to complete ACIM.

It is akin to being able to quickly suss out whether someone was truly informed and had watched the entire Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial, or whether he/she took snippets of testimony played in mainstream media, completely missing the context where the witness committed perjury, highlighting that person's inauthenticity and ignorance.

While I may not be on Lesson 137, it didn't take long for me to find at least one of the teachings on this very topic (emphasis added):

"When I am healed, I am not healed alone...

8. Healing is freedom. For it demonstrates that dreams will not prevail against the truth. Healing is shared. And by this attribute it proves that laws unlike the ones which hold sickness is inevitable are more potent than their sickly opposites. Healing is strength. For by its gentle hand is weakness overcome, and minds that were walled off within a body free to join with other minds, to be forever strong...

10. And as you let yourself be healed, you see all those around you, or who crossed your mind, or whom you touch or those who seem to have no contact with you, healed along with you. Perhaps you will not recognize them all, nor realize how great your offering to all the world, when you let healing come to you. But you are never healed alone. And legions upon legions will receive the gift that you receive when you are healed.

11. Those who are healed become the instruments of healing. Nor does the time elapse between the instant they are healed, and all the grace of healing it is given them to give. What is opposed to God does not exist, and who accepts it not within his mind becomes a haven where the weary can remain to rest. For here is truth bestowed, and here are all illusions brought to truth...

 14. Yet must we be prepared for such a gift. And so we will begin the day with this, and give ten minutes to these thoughts with which we will conclude today at night as well:

'When I am healed I am not healed alone. And I would share my healing with the world, that sickness may be banished from the mind of God's one Son, Who is my only Self.'"

~ ACIM - Lesson 137 

As with Abraham Hicks, this post serves as my choosing to let that negative energy go and move on.

* * * * *

Update September 22, 2022:

Similar to Williamson's livestream, when my friend recited this quote to me yesterday, it didn't hit me as much as when I heard it again the next day after an experience has worked through me. So it is not coincidence when this popped up in my Insight Timer this morning:

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

~ Mark Twain

Our neighbor asked me this morning about the guest. When she asked how it was going? I knew that she knew. She had picked up negative energy from the person and had told her husband that she did not want to be around that. As she had been going through her own trauma healing, she has been careful about who she allows into her world. It feels empowering when I shift my perspective (as Williamson deems 'miracle') and realize that isolation is always an amazing place to be when we stay true to ourselves and to God.

ease-dropping

Private property signs

In Hawaii, any land below the highest wave line (where wet sand meets dry sand during high tide) is considered public property. The public has an implied easement by dedication (a common law right to access to the shoreline via beach transit corridors on private property). It is one of the most common easement disputes on the islands, and historically, property owners had been creative in how they have discouraged people from accessing the shoreline, such as overgrowth of vegetation or building seawalls, further eroding shoreline available to the public.

Approximately a quarter of Hawaii's shoreline has been erased due to seawalls that have been installed both legally and illegally. Despite Hawaii's constitution, the wealthy coastal property owners, including one in Oahu tied to the Obamas, have been able to get around loopholes and/or pay to limit the public's access to shorelines.

The Department of Land and Natural Resources Office of Conservation and Coastal Lands is responsible for ensuring that governmental accesses are well maintained and that property owners, who are subject to fines and misdemeanors, are in compliance. We had heard that there was a path including five ladders down to the shoreline from our rental property. While not the easiest beach to get to, locals have ventured the trek for prime fishing. Unfortunately, the path we took led us back up to the road and we could never find the supposed ladders, even after using a drone to scope out the cliff which was entirely covered by vegetation.

Despite rumors of a dispute with the government over access rights, the property owner(s) near Lyman Bay (mermaid tears) have surprisingly cultivated a marvelous trail, carved from the local flora, along the Kapue Stream, showcasing its grandeur and history.

saudade (part 2)

I don't know when it started but the beach has provided me solace for a long time. The deafening roar of the surf, the misty sea-spray of the crashing waves, the abrading grit of the sand, the glistening sparkles of the aquamarine water, the gentle whispers of the salty breeze and the songs of the local inhabitants in the air, land and see inundates all the senses.

Perhaps suggested from "Footprints in the Sand" as a child 'bussed off' to weekly Sunday School, I would periodically visualize walking along the shore hand in hand with a taller gentleman during code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123), although throughout my life, the image would oscillate with me leaning back on some stronger, protective presence, his arms embracing me, with the rising or setting sun illuminating us. Touch...before learning the love language (full circle (part 9), modern love), it provided so much more, with the presence of safety, trust, nurturing and ... 'je ne sais quoi' ... everything. I felt a flash of that re-membering in a bubble of bliss.

During my travels, I have turned to the shore during moments that I needed a reminder and recharge of my energy and essence, sitting for moments with eyes closed absorbing the warm embrace from the coupling of the sun (masculine)/moon (feminine) and the wind as a gentle caress, visualizing touch. Despite my Virgo Sun (earth), Sagittarius Moon (fire) and Metal (Gold) Pig (face of the girl (part 1), trifecta) I have been told by various 'seers' that there is a lot of the flighty air in me and that it would take a partner that could bring me down to the Earth to ground me and balance that energy. While I always felt grounded after my moments on the beaches, I often times felt an air of bittersweetness...was that a trait of the Metal Pig or a precursor to saudade?

As noted in saudade (part 1), I was not prepared when Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode 4) found herself in the outdoor marketplace talking to friends who were no longer there, with the scene showing the first flashbacks to the young girl sitting on the beach with the setting sun and counting. The body has a way of keeping score and I found the tears well up and fall without initially understanding the emotions behind the trigger. Fear, loneliness, perhaps a smidgeon of abandonment...yet, when Ri Jeong-Hyeok raised his arm with a candle as a beacon of light beckoning the little girl home, the breath I finally released was quickly followed by incontrollable sobs. I had to pause the series to let my body release what the little girl had buried all these years.

I had known about the incident in elementary school when I waited for hours to be picked up from school, but it was a story with no actual memories (ftale, moments that matter (part 1)). As with safe haven, my body knew something my conscious mind did not. Over the remaining episodes, it unfolds that the little girl on the beach came with her stepmother and was instructed to wait while her stepmother went to find them something to drink. After a spell, she starts counting, trying to convince herself that her stepmother will be back by the time she gets to 100; however, when she gets to 99, she restarts the count. Strangers eventually find her passed out on the beach.

As with standing taller, Se-Ri's stepmother, much like my mother, was experiencing her own unhappiness, and struggled with a daughter who reflected someone that they were not and exhibited innocence and kindness that they didn't believe they deserved. By the time I got to the same scene in the marketplace the second time I binge watched the series, my subconscious had released snippets of the repressed memories of the little girl, who was at Southside Elementary and had assured the last adult to leave the building, perhaps a teacher, that one of my parents was on his/her way to pick me up.

As the sky turned darker, I also had told myself stories as to why no-one had come yet as I looked out at the empty parking lot, with my heart skipping a beat each time I saw headlights in the distance only to experience a dash of disappointed which I quickly pushed away when the car(s) kept driving past me. Like Se-Ri on her hospital bed after listening to her mother's recorded musings of regrets (CLoY - Episode 14), I have been able to reflect on the event from the perspective of my parents (full circle (part 8)), who as immigrants, were working overtime or going to night school in order to better their lot in life, and as with any other day, were banking on their children getting home via the reliable school bus, forgetting the extracurricular activities that kept one at school.

Be that as it may, who would that child be today had she experienced those moments from the perspective of the universe rather than that from a girl with all the hope, trust and love from the innocence of the womb, feeling like she had to apologize for being born, much like Se-Ri? Perhaps much of the tears were less for the memories but for the grief of a childhood that should have been.

violet goddess

In a moment of firsts, I was looking forward to spending Christmas with the eyes of a child with rainbow kaleidoscope glasses, watching the radiant sun, cottony clouds, bluest sky, undulating waves and briskly palm trees turn into the glowing moon, twinkling stars and roaring tides as we walked the shores of Cabo San Lucas. When we saw the notice that the luggage had been searched and the bare vial, our hearts dropped. In an attempt to salvage my wish, he diluted the vial with water for me to empty the contents.

Within minutes, my body was taken through whorls of vibrant purples, magentas and fuchsias of fractals and mandalas by a dark-headed goddess. Those who witnessed my short journey in blast off likened my undulations to be an extended stay of a similar journey. Not understanding where it was taking me, I just wanted it to stop as I was spent.

By today, we realized that what appeared to be barren had only had the alcoholic medium evaporate, and my second experience with the medicine was enough for three. While the goddess guided me through visuals that my eyes and mind had never seen, my muscle-fatigued body was ready to get off her tour, not quite understanding her message.

11:11 (part 11)

It was a weekend of firsts, camping out in the Mojave Desert with a 24-hour music festival. While he may have thought that he would be my guide, the universe had different plans. In an explosive moment, we both ended up crying for different reasons that had triggered us. 

While I do not feel as if I had hallucinations, I did lose sight of my space-time continuum whereby certain events seemed longer than reality and vice versa. As I laid staring at the open sky in the desert, I wondered if my journey will always be alone despite the best intentions of planning a trip sitter. It did not scare me in so much as I was resigned to my fate.

In retrieving the things I left behind, we crossed paths again, and it triggered hurt that I hadn't truly felt up to that point. Despite my attempts otherwise to release him from any obligations, he chose to stay. We finally went back to a story that he never fully relayed about unresolved things with his best friend. After working through it with a therapeutic cry, the universe gifted us with his best friend showing up with his girl to check in on us...the gesture, in and of itself, was the resolution they both needed.

Lo and behold, as we were all laying in the tent with our own cuddle party full of love with the deep beats of techno, it dawned on me that the best friend had found my LED-lit tutu which I had lost during my solo journey, and he had randomly found, not knowing it was mine. Yes, I still believe in magic and unexpected outcomes.

* * * * *

Update October 26, 2018:

I witnessed both 11:11 earlier, which made me smile. In processing the trigger from the weekend, I am left wondering what and why I am manifesting the relationship(s) before me. Then I happened upon:

"It's a long shot, but every so often sweet talk proves to be sincere. Just when you finally accept a hard truth, you might be presented with evidence that shows you something you thought too good to be true is very much real. However, all aspects of your life won't immediately fall into place. But this glimmer of magic demonstrates there's still a place in your world for faith, hope, and love. Manifestation is built on belief."

~ Yahoo, Virgo

Perhaps it may be the belief that I am a step closer, rather than a step backwards of feeling as if I am here to help others (stone skipping (part 12) and supernova) rather than myself.

"I just want to thank you again for everything this weekend. It changed my life, and you were an instrumental part of that process for me. I know you don't want me to say things I don't mean, but I love you, Trang. You're an amazing woman, and I'm so incredibly thankful for you and your contribution to my personal growth this weekend. Thank you again for coming. Those memories will last forever :)"

stepping out

Today is #WorldMentalHealthDay. Some of my favorite YouTube channels are School of Life, Ted Talks and Druglabs, as well as documentaries. It probably was not coincidental that this video, "The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown," popped up on my feed today.

When someone states 'showing up and being present' as part of their intentions (full circle (part 9)), one would think it should be a general default in life. However, in the world of technology, passive aggressiveness, flakiness, etc., the actual declaration as an intention is very powerful and valuable to someone's whose love language is Quality Time.

An experience last night made me realize that while many say 'no expectations', most do not really mean it, and have expectations to the contrary. I initially chuckled when one of the men from pig in mud (part 5) stated 'open to physical connection with no attachment to any particular outcome' as one of his intentions. The sincerity and vulnerability of stating that upfront, as well as other consistent gestures, has made me realize now that it truly came from a place of genuineness and authenticity.

Sulking and attaching guilt or shame comes from a negative space that is wishing someone some form of comeuppance, and truly not being grateful for the moment(s) and shared experience(s). It is also not from a place of vulnerability or honesty. In my quest to build my tribe, I realize the importance of not giving someone squatter's rights in tainting the beauty of moments for me.

In honor of #WorldMentalHealthDay and in the spirits of Christine Blasey Ford and Brené Brown, I chose to be exposed and vulnerable to a community that I know are not all as supportive and non-judgmental as I would wish my tribe to be. However, in sharing code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123) on Facebook, perhaps it can pivot one person's life towards the light of joy.

reclaiming the cunt (part 9)

"Powerful men do not harass. Powerful men seduce. It's insecure men who harass and assault, who use their power to extract sex. Let's not mix the metaphors." 

~ Esther Perel

With the country being torn apart, a woman, who felt as if she needed to do her civic duty, has inspired many to speak about their own personal experiences of harassment, assault and rape for  the first time to loved ones. #BelieveSurvivors and other renditions of the hashtag has been added to the #MeToo movement. While it would seem as if we have lost this battle, the war is not over, and hopefully parents will raise their sons to understand 'enthusiastic consent'.

Since missing in action, the concept of the 'bad boy' or the rebel, for me, seems to be a 'mix of the metaphors' for many. Lack of self-confidence is a deal breaker for me. Someone asked me earlier this year if I date a lot of 'assholes' when I state that. Many confuse 'cocky' for confidence, and like 'powerful', the negative connotation comes from insecurities. The age-old myth that women are attracted to 'married or taken men' (who tend to not come off too strongly as they have someone to 'come home to') or to 'assholes' stems from their inability to distinguish 'confidence' as self-confidence vs. cocky.

Like truly powerful men who seduce, confident men also do not feel the need to brag or prove themselves as they are comfortable in their own skins and in their authenticity, know that they would only want to be with people who value them for who they are. With the rise and unification of our voices (emptying my coffers and pussy riots), fortunately women are joined by the deep baritone to tenor pitches of these confident and powerful men. A few of them (full circle (part 9) and pig in mud (part 5)) have blessed me by being part of my tribe.

squatter's rights

My friends' parents split their time between Rome and Long Island now that they are retired. The father inherited an abandoned apartment in Rome that took years for the government to determine and certify the rightful heir. After putting investing in renovating the place, it is a wonderful place for them as it is conveniently located in the center of Rome within steps of Vatican City.

The apartment was in such disrepair that they had to practically gut everything and move walls and the basic layout. Squatters had used old furniture to burn on the floors of the apartment for heat. It was difficult to imagine what the place looked like prior to their renovation as its high ceilings and vintage shutters made it seem as if the apartment had such character all along.

As I traversed throughout Italy from the South to the North, I was amazed to see so many obviously abandoned homes. I have always loved houses with great bones and character, which explains why I purchased my homes in Houston and San Francisco. While I like certain modern amenities such as upgraded kitchens and bathrooms, it is rare to find high ceilings and the quality wood and materials used in the old days that withstand Mother Nature like earthquakes and hurricanes.

From the outside, I am so curious as to what resides inside these old walls as the external walls has such character that only old European homes have. Similar to California though, Italy has very liberal laws for squatters and renters. In addition, rental income is taxed at 50%. In San Francisco, many landlords may rent but do not invest in upgrade or maintenance of their properties as doing so would also increase property value and the related property taxes that would not be covered by the rental income despite the steep rental fees.

Such policies keep these properties abandoned throughout Italy as owners age and/or move but keep the property in the family rather than renovate to sell. After time, it also becomes fuzzy as to who is the true landowner as was the case with my friends' father.

As I spent more time with my friend during this trip than the entire period over the last 20+ years that I have known him, it occurred to me that like houses, we also require frequent upkeep and maintenance. While he blamed and complained about others and their effect on his confidence, the reality is that he has abandoned himself. He allowed squatters into his home. 

He justifies his negativity by complaining about people criticizing him rather than supporting and providing him advice. While I constantly had to reiterate to him that some of his friends (and family) stopped trying because he would get defensive at any advice they gave, he would try to say the words that someone (I) would want to hear rather than how he actually processed things by continuously noting that he agreed with my observations and was listening and trying to process my advice, but when asked by my 'baby sis' on his life at an attempt to get to know him, his quickly blamed me for all his problems and failures, which he later clarified upon her prompting that he should not care what others think, that everyone says the same thing about him.

At times it seems as if his reality is based on an entirely alternative universe. He oftentimes gets distracted with his phone and walks away social interactions under the guise of business. As we went to his favorite bar one night, he left us for hours as he kept himself busy playing behind the bar. The next day he comments on how it was such a great night hanging out with all my friends and the new friends we made. It left me scratching my head as everyone kept asking where he went all night.

So it came as no surprise when two men who just met him for a few hours at dinner, commented on separate occasions how he comes off as if he is hiding something. One man noted how my friend is either bored or somewhere else in his mind when the man was talking to him as his eyes were vacant to the point that it made the man uncomfortable. The other man also felt as if my friend was hiding something and not trustworthy for the man to invest significant time with him.

While he had other 'friends' coming to visit him while we were in Valdobbiadene, there were many times where I found myself entertaining his friends while he would disappear, again under the guise of business, when I knew otherwise. His alternate universe also had him believing that all his friends were having sex with all his exes as well. Although it should not have surprised me, I was amazed when he told my friends that it was because of him that one of his friends was interested in me in reclaiming the cunt (part 8), when the reality is that it was despite him.

After spending weeks trying to help a 'friend,' it occurred to me that like (wo)man in the mirror, trying to help an owner renovate an abandoned house, when the owner has chosen to abandon it himself and allow squatters to trample all over it, was a complete waste of my time and energy.

* * * * *

One of the bars in town center of Valdobbiadene is Bar Caffè Roma which probably also has the best view of the piazza and people watching festivities. I was shocked to find their restroom taking me into a time warp and for a split second, I was confused as to whether I was back in Southeast Asia. Europe, including Italy, is considered a Western and modern world. It made me wonder how much of Europe, with its old buildings, have not been upgraded and still have squat toilets in its establishments. I ended up walking out as there were no hooks or shelves to keep my personal belongings from sitting on the tiled floor. Truth be told, although it was relatively clean (compared to the ones I have experienced in Southeast Asia) (farmer's tan), I was looking for an excuse to bail as with the prosecco in my belly, it was more likely that I would have tipped over or fallen in. 😳

self service

Up in the hills of Valdobbiadene is an old stone house, nestled in the middle of a vineyard, that serves as an osteria (place that serves wine and simple food). However, other than basics like ingredients and tools for making your own coffee and simple outdoor furniture, there is no person managing or working at the osteria.

Parking at Osteria senz'Oste is ad hoc between the vines. My friend (crushing grapes), who has made annual excursions to Valdobbia-dene for harvesting took us there simply for the amazing views. However, he has always missed the signs leading to the prosecco vending machines. While he knew they existed, as one is located in the vineyards near the parking area, which doubles as parking for a wine tasting room, not affiliated with the osteria, he never loitered long enough to realize that people brought and/or bought items for a beautiful day in the sun and vineyards for a long and lazy aperitivo.

Following the signs takes one through paths up the hill, meandering through the vineyards until one gets to the top of the hill where there are larger vending machines to purchase bottles of different types of prosecco. Another vending machine provides water bottles and simple food that usually is provided with aperitivo. Plastic cups hang from the sides of the vending machines.

While there are picnic tables and benches at the top of the hill near the vending machines, the more intimate setting is below next to the vineyards at the side of the hill with pergolas covered with trailing vines and overhanging bunches of grapes.

We ended up spending an entire afternoon, sharing over seven bottles of prosecco between five people enjoying the company and beautiful atmosphere. We made a number of new friends with many groups sharing snacks, desserts and other bottles of wine, some of which were in unmarked bottles brought from home (moonshine). With overlapping languages with not all speaking any particular language, it became easier to understand each other being under the influence.

After harvesting that day from her family's vineyards, a woman who manages the inventory in the vending machines stopped by to check the stock, and coordinate with my friend on harvesting with her family the rest of the week. In her curiosity on how such a hodgepodge of different people had congregated together, she soon discovered that we represented U.S. (New York, Connecticut, Texas, and California), Vietnam, Japan, France, Switzerland and Italy (Meolo and Venice), with many just meeting each other that day. While some had left a bit earlier, she felt it was worthy of a Facebook post on the osteria's page. These moments with locals and new friends are some of the most amazing  and cherished memories from my travels.

* * * * *

In the land of love, vending machines with various prophylactic sheaths are visible sporadically near town centers. They are even installed in schools in Rome. Safe sex is available 24/7 and most likely attributes to one of the lowest birth rates in Europe. The machines offer many options for every fancy.

Perhaps I am used to the American men who make any excuse to not use protection as it impacts their sensitivity, it was great that Italian men seemed always prepared, even if it was to ask friends for any spares. Rather than take the additional risk of potential breakage with ultra-thins on the market today, I also noticed that there was a tendency to use the thicker latex options.

In some cases, perhaps it was to prolong the experience with his partner. For others, it does cause some challenge in climaxing in the usual way, and other methods are used to finish. One man even joked that it is great for protection from any residual feces during anal. As Monty Python croons 'always look on the bright side of life'.