shoshin

After her death (heart beats), her parents had gifted me her stash, mostly consisting of spacer beads, tassels and cord/thread. I had planned on making her parents malas for their ceremony the following spring to spread her ashes with her grandparents, but despite initially watching a number of YouTube videos to learn the art of making malas and purchasing beads with their favorite colors, I couldn't get inspired and so the deliveries remained in their unpacked boxes, much like the lingerie purchases from Agent Provocateur (synchronicity (part 3)). 

Although I had enjoyed tapping into my creativity in designing the malas, it was a part of a process to closing a chapter (resfeber), with not a lot of thought into the gemstones other than the favorite colors of the recipient(s). As I started learning the various meanings behind the number 108, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole that inspired me to truly channel my creativity ... and love.

Source: www.gaia.com

While some argue that malas have been appropriated in Western culture as chic fashion statements, many who use it in spiritual practice welcome the inclusivity, encouraging others to establish an intent or motivation, even if it is the joy that the mala brings to the wearer. My research led me to more natural elements, which are usually seen in malas used by monks, and/or gemstones sourced in parts of Asia.

The momentum of synchronicity (part 3) made it easy to stay in joy as careful thought was put into the types of materials and their sourcing, and the related meaning and intent of each. Similar to synchronicity (part 2), I felt the energy shift, and although it was accompanied with an excuse, I am continuing to practice being aligned with my self (stone skipping (part 13)). Rather than dwell on it, I knew there was a part of the story that I did not have clarity on that was not a reflection of me (a remnant of supernova and  synchronicity (part 2), right down to the ghosting) and how I was showing up, and promised to complete my labor of love, only sitting before it when I was filled with positive energy and love.

Knowing that the excuse did not tell the whole story, one of my last communications was 'follow your bliss', feeling what the polyamorists call 'compersion' (spiritual masters) and what the Dutch call 'gunnen'. Recruiting a friend in London to confirm a work address led to a few dead ends. While he was having fun chasing down a 'ghost' for my 'surprise' adventure, I was starting to feel uneasy letting him and his assistant continue their detective work, not wanting to uncover anything that should be told to me by the source himself.

I made the choice to ruin my own surprise, and the initial terse response confirmed the messages that my Higher Self had shown me through Archangel Guidance. After meditating, I knew I needed to complete the passion project as I sat in front of it. After two separate stints of explaining the 'dead ends' with the air of a caged animal, I realized that none of it mattered as it didn't explain what my heart was looking for ... the energy shift. 

"17. Defenses are the plans you undertake to make against the truth. Their aim is to select what you approve, and disregard what you consider incompatible with your beliefs of reality. Yet what remains is meaningless indeed. For it is your reality that is the 'threat' which your defenses would attack, obscure, and take apart and crucify."

 ~ ACIM - Lesson 135 

"2. ... You make what you defend against, and by your own defense against it is it real and inescapable...

3. It seems to be the enemy without that you attack. Yet your defense sets up an enemy within; an alien thought at war with you, depriving you of peace, splitting your mind into two camps which seem wholly irreconcilable. For love now has an 'enemy,' an opposite; and fear, the alien, now needs your defense against the threat of what you really are."

~ ACIM - Lesson 170

I was slightly surprised that my reaction was to ruin my own surprise over uncovering truths, given my penchant to find answers, especially when one's behavior does not align with my past interactions with them. Perhaps it was my maturity and/or my growth from past experiences (full circle (part 1), calming the mind and synchronicity (part 2)) that I know that patience tends to provide the answers that I (or they) need to heal (moments that matter (part 2), the truth shall set you free, standing taller, and synchronicity (part 2)), and obsessively searching for answers only added negative vibrations to attracting more of those experiences for me.

I know that there are many parts of what I saw that I love (synchronicity (part 3)), including his stories of how he tries to treat others with kindness (blossoming), yet the reflection that was mirrored back made me realize that I still had work to do if I was still attracting unkindness to myself. I had compassion for myself and allowed me a moment to feel the sadness and frustration at the reflection, recognizing that this may also be a delayed vibration, giving me an opportunity to react differently (saudade (part 4)).

It is beautiful in its simplicity. Looking at it warms my heart - my most thoughtful creation and gift to date. With the symbolisms of Tibetan and Buddhist numbers and numerology of the masculine and feminine coupled with the intents and healing auras and aromas of Rudraksha, dark red rosewood, dragon bloodwood red agathis alba, orange sandalwood, Australian sandalwood, thuja sutchuenensis, and rose quartz, cleansed and powered by the light of the Sun and the Pink Full Moon (supported by my spirit animal, dragonfly), infused with the vibrations of 1111 Hz handpan sounds by Malte Marten and chants of Ohm with each knot, and protected by the red sandalwood dragon guru (year of the wood dragon) and Ohm imprinted markers, the mala is a creation of pure love and kindness, embodying my belief in the magic that exists in the partnership created in the mind of a little girl in surprising inspiration. 

Much like in triggering, as I was putting the finishing touches at the mouth of the dragon, my body experienced a knowing - a déja vu, recalling a faint dream that made no sense at the time as the colors and lines vividly completed the vision, resulting in a Duchenne smile emanating from my face, as I gently touched the dragon to bless it with love and kindness.

Knowing my penchant for silliness and surprises, my friend across the pond readily jumped at a Friday mystery. Of course, after I had aborted his plans for the detective work to continue in the following week, his curiosity further stoked by the numerous 'dead ends', I knew I owed him a story as he was at his local pub having a few stiff ones for us.

"That's awesome - send it to him regardless. No regrets! He'd be so lucky! X (kiss)

And hey - the worst thing that happened was that you had a bit of an adventure and you got to say hi to me after all these years! Say hi to the Bergners from me! Such great memories"

And like my knowing that it was the right thing to do to send my friend's octopus mala (heart beats) back to her family for not only her ceremony but for as long as her mother needed to hold onto her daughter's last uncompleted creation, I knew that the dragon mala only had one home.

"1. No one can give what he has not received. To give a thing requires first you have it in your own possession. Here the laws of Heaven and the world agree. But here they also separate. The world believes that to possess a thing, it must be kept. Salvation teaches otherwise. To give is how to recognize you have received. It is the proof that what you have is yours.

2. You understand that you are healed when you give healing. You accept forgiveness as accomplished in yourself when you forgive. You recognize your brother as yourself, and thus do you perceive that you are whole. There is no miracle you cannot give, for all are given you. Receive them now by opening the storehouse of your mind where they are laid, and giving them away."

~ACIM - Lesson 108

* * * * *

Update May 6, 2024:

The last remaining materials arrived from Asia today. As this was for his travels, primarily for business, the intentions and symbolisms behind the hand mala (with thuja sutchuenensis, red agate, Indonesian agathis alba kingwood, tiger eye, Mexican golden rosewood, moonstone, rose quartz and weathered Bodhi seed) were centered around financial success, courage, confidence, mental acuity (including calmness and health, such as improvements in sleep, digestion and jet lag) and protection. The white lotus guru represents growth and power ... pushing up through the muddy waters to emerge beautifully above the surface.

Ironically, a friend is currently visiting Switzerland with his Japanese girlfriend. They have been in a long-distance relationship for over a year, often taking opportunities to meet each other somewhere in between and explore foreign lands. One of his recent stories looked similar to Lakes Brienz and Lungern in CLoY (saudade (part 1)), a reminder of how paths can cross without connection until we're vibrationally matched, a similar theme from Sliding Doors (22), delayed by a missed train (heart beats).

"Sometimes the wrong train takes you to the right station."

~ Indian proverb

Coupled with the déja vu from above, the completion of the hand mala at 11:11 pm were cues that I was at least headed towards the right station. It will feel much lighter when I put this in the post tomorrow.

"By grace I live. By grace I am released.
By grace I give. By grace I will release."

~ ACIM - Lesson 169

synchronicity (part 3)

Before CoVID, my plans were to relocate to Asia and explore what the culture, people and random experiences had to offer. As we are getting back to a new normal, I knew it was time to write my next chapter. The months in Asia were healing to my soul, but as I was told, Asia is my place to recharge but it isn't my 'home'. 

In seeing the amalgamation of past partners in synchronicity (part 2), I knew it was the final molt for many recurring themes, and in the honor of self-love, I intentionally put her into hibernation to focus on deep connections and community, with the Earth, with my love ones, with my pup ... and for once, creating a 'home' rather than searching to belong. After months of house hunting and exploring many possibilities, the universe somehow felt it was time and showed an opportunity that made the dream of community become real. On the eve of the close, I am overwhelmed with excitement, yet with all the coordination to get things lined up for the close, I was struck with the knowing that the excitement was not solely pinpointed to Cary.

It has been almost 20 years, and catching up with an ex-colleague was a great distraction from the hustle and bustle of the pre-close activities. He's European so the offer of his hand to shake had me giggling inside, a reminder of my progress in the art of hugs (moments that matter (part 4)). Individually, I believe our comportments and discussions did not belie the intent of the get-together. As we were walking out, though, the energy made me feel as if it was more, perhaps I was just excited to have an intellectual conversation, something my brain had been craving.

For a few months, my body has felt 'off'. I couldn't quite place the source, but when I got my package from Agent Provocateur, for the first time, I wasn't excited about trying anything on, so for months, they have sat in the box in my bathroom, untouched. Today, I felt inspired and once the bejeweled set touched my skin and clasped around my neck, it was like being bound with the familiarity of shibari (saudade (part 5)). Waves of energy rushed over me, knowing that the 'off' was her crying to be seen and not hidden (hide 'n seek). Like a snake coiled up in my belly, it felt as if my kundalini was rousing.

Rather than the 'snippets' throughout the years (self-love), it feels a lot as if I'm looking into the mirror, down to our appreciation of twilight, and for the first time, the reflection back is how I see myself, truly being seen and understood (taxing time, saudade (part 4), and self-love). A forever wanting yet the foreign feeling felt a bit scary, that "should be comforting and arousing". When he noted that I "just [wasn't] ready back then 🤣", it made me think of the timing of twin flames and the concept of separations. From the ache that is still in my belly, that I still can't seem to exorcise even hours later, it's clear that she is looking forward to 'Christian Grey' and the Red Room (laying on of hands).

barbie world

During my month in Bali, I traveled mostly with women in their 20s and 30s - all in the fitness industry, with most of them there for an aerialist training. Social media is a primary source of their livelihood, a medium to recruit clients to their OnlyFans or fitness profiles. The best editing apps or filters on Instagram or Tiktok were common topics. I found myself chronicling more of my travel on Instagram this time around, with friends encouraging me to do so as they enjoy keeping tabs on my experiences. 

It was interesting to learn the 'tricks of the trade' - the positions, the lighting, the angles, etc. that brings out one's best look. Perhaps at some point it becomes second nature but it seemed a lot of work to me, when it appeared to kill so much time getting the right Instagram photo or video. Everything was 'insta' - insta-weight loss, insta-abs, insta-booty, insta-contouring, insta-teeth whitener, insta-full lips ... 

In a world of insecurities, envy and FOMO, conforming to be the 'standard' or 'norm' was a rat race to the bottom of mental health. In Vietnam, I found myself being curious of establishments where I would see a number of people taking pictures as some memento, only to find out that there was nothing special about the place other than it being 'Instagrammable'. The Vibes is a multi-event venue that was designed specifically with this in mind. The atmosphere, the plating, etc. are photo-perfect but the food, drinks and service make it clear that what is reflected in the prices are the photo ops.

During my walks, I frequently ran into duos/trios with trash bags of clothes and jewelry, oftentimes with tags still on them, doing photo shoots with their smartphones. It reminded me of my time in Bali, spending time waiting for my travel companions to plan their daily outfits and/or hair and makeup. While we may all be aware of the filters and editing that goes on, we all seem to have some dissonance with the illusion and reality.

BDC (synchronicity (part 2)) would say that he preferred natural beauty yet he would also spend countless hours scrolling through social media or dating apps with FOMO of the illusory women. He had issues with partners, including me, on our wardrobe either not being sexy enough or too sexy. Despite his protests, I knew he had an issue with my age, and as with any of his other 'conquests', I was just a story for him. 

Being around the women on the other side of his screen, I found myself intrigued by that world. It was empowering that a woman could make over 100Gs catering to these men's delusions. Men paying to fly some of the OnlyFans women for a 'vacation' and yet somehow telling themselves and others that they don't pay for sex was an 'alternative fact'. He was convinced that when he paid for an OnlyFans person to rate his dick, it somehow was sincere and not canned, primarily because of a reference to a delay in doing so. They laughed and explained to me that it was part of their bag of tricks to add to the delusion.

I did find myself feeling self-conscious with his issue on my age as I was traveling with them. I tried the filters, which (perhaps the universe intervening) didn't work on my Instagram, and the photo edit apps that seemed to just be such time suckers to my being in the moment and experiencing Bali and its people. Clearly practice makes perfect as they seem to be able to do all of that much more efficiently, and I will have to say, the results were sometimes amazing. 

I think a healing moment for me though was when new friends (young 20s) were discussing the age of my travel companion who is in her late 30s and struggles with a lot of insecurities including body image. I was torn whether to remain silent or not. In the end, I spoke up, having to reveal my age to provide context and speak on her behalf. In the patriarchal world where men are admired for the 'salt and pepper looks', feminine empowerment should include women supporting each other (spiritual masters) as we are on a continuum of a similar aging cycle. They were humbled and had spoken boldly as they had made the assumption that I was just a bit older than them (early 30s). Age in the end is just a number that for many is used to 'bully' others into their insecurities.

Greta Gerwig's Barbie attempts interlace the zeitgeist of the modern era to redeem the unrealistic standard of perfection that added to the sexist and misogynistic view of women as 'eye-candy'. Having an existential crisis, Barbie enters the real world and somehow learns the importance of inner beauty. Over its six plus decades, Barbie has been revamped with various careers as some inspiration for girls; however, it took 57 years for its body shape to change in 2016. She is still Caucasian (the quest for snow white), despite a majority of the world being Asian. While Ken is just Ken, Barbie still epitomizes the expectation that a woman be 'everything' with stellar look, career woman, silent partner and perfect mother - all at the same time, feeding into the delusions of men like BDC and incels.

Barbie has Barbie learning about self-love and Ken learning self-awareness. While there are debates and cultural wars on this movie, it is more about humanism and the choices we have in life, including empowerment, and the choice of using it from love or from fear, including enabling illusions that keep us from our own truths.

self-love

It occurred to me today that the disconnect with what I have been feeling for practically all my life and ftale has been the disconnect of trying to emulate (or envying) the relationships I see around me (pig in mud (part 1) and reclaiming the cunt (part 5)) when they, in fact, are not the ones I have been manifesting and praying for (a clue I had touched upon in 11:11 (part 5)), much like the lesson from when it rains, it pours and the realization that when they all presented themselves, none were ones I had wanted to return to. I have something more magical, steeped in interdependence, curiosity, new experiences and adventures, and unconditional love - one that creates a nurturing home for growth and strong, kind, loving free-spirited humans and animals. Something I have been blessed to have 'snippets' of what that feeling would be like, down to the blue eyes (bubble of bliss and moments that matter (part 2)).

Ironically, a reiki session on his birthday gave me clues as to synchronicity (part 2) occurring, despite initial hesitations and red flags that would have me running. While not his true 'self' that I knew, the version of his 'self' that he presented was a potent reminder of everything I did not want (it was the "big ol' stubborn problem"), but in this lesson, I had the clarity to see that it was from his own fears, rather than mine, when I was able to show up authentically and in alignment with my 'self', allowing me to see the other side of familiar themes to see the 'truth' in them, enabling me to close the loops and patterns. 

At the same time, a couple of unconscious ones were uncovered whereby my 2-4 year-old self may hold the key to unlocking the next door in my journey (synchronicity (part 2)). While my initial reaction was to fight to be heard and not misunderstood, I soon learned that those in lower vibrations do not want to hear or understand and only want to see what validates their own fears, a lesson the universe allowed me to practice a newfound tool to stay true to my self (stone skipping (part 13)). 

While being misunderstood has been a thorn that has turned into a fly to be shooed away, learning about personality types and how communication is given and/or received was a pivotal tool (stone skipping (part 6), surprising inspiration and taxing time) to removing the thorn. Upon reflection as I'm writing this, the only time I did not feel the need to explain myself was during those 'snippets', and perhaps holds another key to the door. What seemed so 'easy' may be the emotional safe haven he provided that I did not recognize beyond my fears and insecurities at the time (bluebird).

My new tattoo from Bali was a reminder to stay true to my own alignment after synchronicity (part 2). Yet, it would seem to have a deeper meaning after all, and perhaps why it was an immediate thought to place it above the vein (vena amoris) that connects the heart to the ring finger and lines up when placing the hand/wrist next to the heart. It has been a lifelong pattern of taking care, and prioritizing the need/wants, of others (beach angel and full circle (part 8)), including the men in my life. 

A recent session with what's your sign? and 11:11 (part 6) reinforced this next chapter's focus of self-care is self-love, and in so doing, allowing myself to be loved. Rather than looking for people who didn't understand me, or rather didn't want to understand me, as some validation of feeling low and unloved, it is in loving my self and staying true to my vibration (synchronicity (part 2) and stone skipping (part 13)) - recognizing the self-sabotaging behavior, and changing the pattern to gravitate towards those who have the desire and curiosity to understand, and thereby, feeling safe to truly allow love in. The wish...the dream...wasn't for any love, as I have experienced various forms, even some that I had thought I used to 'envy'. 

Yet in that safe haven that I felt in his presence, I realize that somehow I did not feel unloved (or at least, silenced the negative self-talk because I did not feel the desire to have someone who already understood me to understand me) and for those 'snippets', allowed it to align with my soul. The universe had provided me clues all along through him, and yet, only now am I able to 'see'. 

heart beats

Traveling again, especially to less developed countries, makes COVID seem like an episode of the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror. While some still wear masks, most are doing so to protect from the smog and pollution, especially when the primary mode of transportation is motorbikes. While many in my circle, including myself, contracted COVID, with some, as many as four+ times, luckily, none passed away from it.

But what will never fully be quantified will be the deaths that occurred because of COVID's impact in the world, from logistics/economy (e.g., overtaxed medical system, inability to get food and resources to those in need due to transportation and/or financial constraints) to mental health (e.g., depression, broken relationships, stress). The huge demand for emotional support animals also resulted in the unfortunate abandonment of such furry friends when life adjusted to a new normal, ranging from an increase of 25% in places like England to 50% in India. 

At the same time, in a country where animals were generally kept for functional purposes (e.g., security or rodent management), I was surprised and elated to see how pets are now being treated in Vietnam, with a significant increase in pet clinics/veterinarians, groomers, boarders, and even cat cafes for people to pay to spend time with the kitties. Walking past a Vietnamese man sitting on a little stool at a local street cafe cuddling and talking to his canine pal made my heart smile. Of course, the experience made me think of baby girl, followed by the excitement of the imminent adoption of her kin.

While I had wished I had captured the loving scene for my IG stories (a new way to catalog my travels), I was happy to just be present. Seeing an IG message from an old high school friend, who had shared that she had been enjoying my travel 'stories', I was saddened to hear the passing of my prom 'date' the day before. He had died of a heart attack in his sleep. He marks the third man in my circle and age group, with the other two being college classmates, who have been victims of the leading cause of deaths in the US since the start of the pandemic. Another close friend who was a surrogate father at a point in my life also succumbed to the disease; however, he was older and had a history battling the disease.

Unlike with the 'surrogate father', there was no warning, and perhaps with the stresses of the pandemic, it became the silent killer that we can't prepare for. When I had gotten word that Jay (22 and 11:11 (part 10)) passed right before Christmas 2020, intermixed with the initial shock was a smile and a knowing that Jay had beat us all in accomplishing his life's dream, that kept us up late at night for hours just connecting and talking about all the complexities of life. I knew that where I may have missed my initial train (11:11 (part 10)), Jay made his. I still feel Jay with me at times, as recently as saudade (part 6).

I knew that most news happen in Facebook, so upon hearing the news about my prom 'date', I temporarily reinstated Facebook, something I had deleted since the pandemic, to find that the news of his passing had not made it there yet. However, it was with a happy yet saudade heart that I soon discovered that he recently got married in December 2022. We weren't really in contact since high school, as I left a lot of that trauma behind for me. But when I had joined Facebook in late 2008, he found me and had messaged me to see how I was doing. We must have kept in touch sporadically after that as I have his contact information. In looking at our Facebook messenger chat, the next and last time we had contact was before the pandemic, when I had sent him a YouTube video on 'Twin Flames/Soulmates/Divine Partners - Searching For Answers', it must have been in response to a post he had as my intro was 'this may help you'.

As with Jay, I knew Steven had finally realized his dream. Much like Helen in Sliding Doors, he met his boo. He had struggled so long to come out of the closet and find 'home'. It seems fitting that it is also Pride Month, which although there still isn't a parade in Ho Chi Minh City to commemorate it, there are more visible signs including companies supporting and sponsoring activities around the city. It brings me such peace to know that for all of these men in my life, they were surrounded by love when their hearts stopped beating.

* * * * *

Update August 20, 2023:

At the age of 33, her heart also stopped in the middle of the night. As a pre-teen, she was diagnosed with long QT syndrome that caused her parents to pull her out of soccer which she loved. As an adult, she made the decision to live life and not let the condition debilitate her. Skydiving for her was not only defying gravity but also her genetic predisposition. She forgave easily and loved fully. Her family gifted me her last creation that had a special meaning to her, from the careful curation of the gemstones for their meaning and her favorite colors to her spirit animal that contain three hearts and nine brains, one in each tentacle and the biggest brain-to-body ratio of the invertebrates, making it one of the most intelligent marine species.

My Octopus Teacher brought us into their worlds, showing us the ability for these colorful creatures to form relationships with humans. While known to be solitary creatures, scientists are recently discovering the complexity of their ability to form relationships among themselves, utilizing colors to communicate, and with other species. In one experiment, four octopi were given MDMA, and despite serotonin transporters nearly identical to humans, scientists had hypothesized that its lack of the parts of the brain that results in behavioral changes from drug use would override, negating any impacts. They were surprised to see that the octopi were all cuddly.

This behavior has usually only been observed during mating, which marks the beginning of senescence and their eventual deaths. The female spends over six months guarding her thousands of eggs, unable to catch prey to nourish herself, slowing starving herself and with her last breath, uses her siphon to blow the hatchlings into their new world.

In her own way, Jessica left those she loved with parts of herself that will guide them to their new 'world'. I finished her special mala today before her memorial service. After cleansing and charging the energy in the moonlight, I set the intention of the mala to live fully and love wholeheartedly. While already on the journey of carpe diem and 11:11 (part 4), I know along with Jay, Jess will guide me towards the remainder of my journey.

synchronicity (part 2)

 "The more validation I need, the less discernment I have."

~ Kurt Hanks 

This excursion never really had a 'honeymoon' period, tumbling right into a trigger on the first date that allowed me to heal from a similar experience almost a year before (11:11 (part 14)). With the intention of walking into this journey with a 'friend' to mirror and reflect on triggers that may come up to end patterns (saudade (part 5), bluebird, saudade (part 6), and patois), it seemed a bit quicker and easier to process and see the patterns from a different perspective, perhaps from a perceived trust built on friendship.

In what I felt was unlocking some part of me that allowed me to feel truly 'safe' with a man (bluebird) or to feel a deeper connection with someone who could read my body as I've only experienced with one other (bubble of bliss), I am wondering if that has more to do with my own growth and how I show up in connections, rather than someone providing such safety or awareness of my body.

Similar to calming the mind, the universe opens up doors and opportunities that quickly usher me along, reminding me to keep moving and growing. Yet, there was a final lesson to be learned, something that has been on the perimeter of my journey since consciously starting this exploration in 2016. 

I realized that he represented aspects of others before him - from seeing white (part 2), who surrounded himself with 'friends' whom he never felt comfortable being himself, numbing themselves and judging others, to bubble of bliss, who in the end, let life jade him to be a shadow of who he once was, putting up walls so as not to ever connect with someone at a deep level again (weightless). While the former 'ghosted', he showed up months later (supernova), explaining that being in a container where he felt safe being himself showed him a side of himself that made him realize how unhappy he was and the choices he had made, which caused him to run as he chose 'ignorance' rather than 'bliss'. While he has shown up again a time or two over the years, it is with the same energy of some nostalgia of what could have been had he been more courageous and how deep he has gotten with the ongoing decisions in his life that have brought him more shame and/or have made him a complete stranger to himself.

While it saddens me that a 'friend' wouldn't communicate that he wasn't courageous enough or ready for the growth, he was also choosing to repeat patterns of masterminding his friends to validate his choices in life. While I had created nicknames in the past so that friends wouldn't negatively judge people I dated if they ever meet them (missing in action), his approach was to get validation by demonizing his partners, reminiscent of my first (moments that matter (part 6)). Unfortunately, that forces him into a corner where he cannot be present with positive energy of working things out with his partner, without clarifying his prior actions based on untruths to others, when he is fearful of his friends judging him for staying in what they perceived to be 'toxic', his own creation.

The self-sabotage that went on for months created chaos/drama that was futile. Ultimately, he could not own his own decision and actions and felt the need to create situations that forced him into it, so as not to be accountable to himself for his own self-harm. In closing my patterns though, I know I showed up authentically and lovingly. I was able to work through old patterns with the discernment to change behaviors. More importantly, breaking another pattern I had fallen into in the past, I also do not feel any 'guilt' for feeling as if I gave up on someone - he gave up on himself.

There seems to have been a shift since spiritual masters, whereby incorporating the universal law of vibration with the universal law of attraction, I realize that another pattern I choose to change is trying to be 'heard' or 'not handicapped'. Seeing the lengths he went through to numb emotions allowed me to truly reflect on my growth in the last few years as I connect with mine, honing in on my understanding of the breadth and complexities of them to let my higher self/intuition guide me. People will treat me the way they want to treat me. My power is whether I let them do so. I can pinpoint to the exact time where I felt a shift in his energy. It was palpable although we were thousands of miles apart. Yet, I allowed him to make me question the negative vibrations I was feeling, rather than choosing to focus on activities that made me feel 'good' and repelling the negativity. Subconsciously, even my body was rejecting by pushing him out and off, when he tried to make our sex transactional, despite him mistakenly thinking it was due to orgasms.

When someone self-sabotages because our 'closeness' was scaring him, the only thing left for me to feel is compassion for him by sending him a lot of positive vibrations for his journey, as authentic connections is what makes life worth living. It probably doesn't bode well for any type of 'interaction' when our astrological chart notes:

"You and [BDC] have an unusually strong connection. Even if there are other tensions between you - there's an aspect of the connection that is especially enjoyable and probably makes both of you feel more confident.

You and [BDC] might feel closer to each other than you do with other friends."

~ The Pattern 

While I may listen to the universe (or 'be one with the mountain'), it isn't everyone's journey. In reconnecting with an ex last night, with my recently learnt boundaries established, we were able to explain his initial reaction to me that we couldn't explain other than perhaps residual 'past life karma'. Much like BDC, his irritation was due to the significant gap in our vibrations, and he was subconsciously threatened by the higher vibration, given where he was in his life at the time (11:11 (part 11)).

I am excited at my progress, while not always smooth, has been rewarding, especially to set me up for me to embrace my true calling in life...to just experience, which has come up in QHHT as well as a friend's channeling. My partners are also elevating in our compatibility from 'Meaningful' to 'Extraordinary'.

"Your destiny is to be able to relax and enjoy your life without guilt. Try to immerse yourself in things that feel good and to savor your experiences. It's okay to be on the receiving end in life; learn to appreciate your patience and ability to stay present in the moment. You may have artistic tendencies and you certainly have excellent taste, whether it's in food, people, clothes, or art. It's important to carve out time for yourself and engage your senses.

In your relationship experiences, you may end up with or expect partners who are out of the ordinary. The average type won't do. You tend to go for unconventional, rebellious, or extremely intelligent people."

~ The Pattern

* * * * *

Update April 24, 2023:

After asking an ex if he remembered 11:11 (part 11), I received the following, a reminder that everyone's journey has its own timing and small actions/moments that may seem inconsequential may have lasting ripple effects in someone's life.

"Yes, I certainly do remember. Reading this made me cry, and I wanted to stop after I knew what it was, but I realized instantly that this was a confirmation of why you're back in my life right now. I've had the best 7 days as of today [that] I've had since I moved here, doing all the things that make me most proud of myself without missing a beat. I have been working on radical self-forgiveness, knowing that forgiving myself for all the stuff with you would be the final box I'd eventually have to open. to be honest, it still scares me half to death to think about, but I can see that, likely without your [sic] even knowing, you're giving me opportunities to take it in small chunks. I have a lot of grieving to do before I can forgive myself, but thank you for sending me this."

saudade (part 6)

When a ripple turns out to be a tsunami, the consultant in me wonders if it could have been avoided. Perhaps the recent return of the raven from bubble of bliss was an omen. During the witching hours, I seem to have received downloads that allowed me to detach from my hurt/trauma, and piece together various communications over the last few months. I have spent my entire life connecting dots, trying to make sense of what isn't being said, looking for red flags to protect myself from being preyed upon as my self-preservation. bluebird taught me that someone's negative behavior could be less about me but more about cognitive dissonance to the self.

While we may have similar love languages of touch and words of affirmation and personality type of pioneer, our approach to life, including ways of communication or getting to know people, are at times, vastly different. I have learned to over-communicate to minimize misunderstandings over the years, yet with an ADHD brain, I am learning that large chunks of communication and at rapid pace can be overwhelming to the point that it is not received properly as the executive function may jumble the details.

I wasn't sure where the tears of joy were coming from as I excitedly shared that I may be beginning to understand what had been going on with us from his side, but rather than connect the dots of what wasn't being said, I found myself trying to parse the words he did say over time, and ATTUNE it from his perspective rather than mine. In researching communication differences with someone with ADHD, I was surprised to read from Don't Just Talk, Communicate that becoming confrontational, including blaming others or shutting down conversations/conflict resolution (behaviors that trigger me), was a common behavior. Clamming up or confused/scattered thoughts/musings have also previously triggered me because from past experiences with exes, these were defensive tactics from someone who didn't want to be accountable, rather than from someone whose brain functions differently.

I find myself being more grateful now, rather than frustrated or triggered, at the times when he communicates that we need to pause because he's not able to receive the information. Some of that may have to do with shutting down communication, but some of that is the ability to manage the information. As with bluebird, similar behaviors may not have nefarious reasons. Perhaps, unlike others who preceded him, it truly is subconscious.

When I woke up at the witching hour this time, the title of a video had me wondering if it was a message, but it led to a few other ones, culminating in one that explains why the over-reaction (tsunami) needed to happen.

I needed to learn to release my sense of self to truly hear the other. I needed the tsunami (pain-body) for me to see that comparing how others treat me to how they treat others, created a lot of trauma/re-triggering that stemmed from childhood, when perhaps I am just in a category of my own and should just focus on the happiness and fun I'm feeling in the NOW, a reminder to be present and not let thoughts become unwanted manifestations. My tears of joy, it would seem, was from the happiness of realizing that he was changing his patterns and that I was processing traumas/patterns from the mirroring that was being reflected back to me. In doing so, we are getting a step closer to a transcendence level.

On Instagram this morning, someone posted a recommendation for the Four Seasons in Koh Samui, taking me back to bubble of bliss. I had been highlighting to him that our love will never be like the 'great' love that he was perhaps comparing to as it is different. In a moment of saudade, I realized the irony that our love is also very different from the 'great' connection I felt in bubble of bliss. It feels more light and liberating, not obsessive, but like a sense of being home. I manifested this relationship; I manifested these experiences of pain-body in order for us to break cycles; and I manifested this love from the feeling I felt in Koh Samui to something beyond what I understood love to be at that time, unattached to anyone. It was also a reminder that I'm still manifesting that bath in a tub with a view like that in our villa in Koh Samui, and I'm grateful for someone who enjoys bathtime.

extra-terrestrial

Although my recollection of my first plane ride was our band trip to NYC for the Macy's Parade my senior year (stamp collection), the reality is that the first plane was the one that took us from Asia to a refugee camp in the US. Throughout my childhood, we rarely took family vacations but when we did, it was usually a road trip to visit relatives in California. Sometimes, it seemed as if we packed more food and beverages for the multi-day trips than clothing. 

Perhaps from an innate fear of authorities, stemming from years in a communist country, being stopped at the state line caused some consternation between my parents. Unaware of the laws, they were confused when the officials at the border checkpoint had us turn over all produce, only to watch them dump them in the trash. Exposure to farms and/or transportation of meat or produce are common questions on all immigration forms worldwide. 

After getting approved for Global Entry, my first overseas trip was my friends' wedding in Spain many years ago. Excited to bring back a taste of the delicacy of jamon (cured ham), we went to a number of local spots to find properly packaged, quality jamon. Thinking my luck had turned, I was pulled for customs inspection, only to find out afterwards that the system automatically flags people based on travel locals (such as France, Germany, Italy or Spain for any cured meats) and profiles (e.g., new Global Entry individuals) to inspect. The official, with my name and picture in hand, was intentionally looking for me. Although the fine is up to $10k, the inspector luckily let me off with a warning after throwing away my expensive 'souvenir', most likely the initiation rite for many new members.

Like California, Hawai'i has strict regulations in order to manage insect infestations and disease outbreak that would be detrimental to the natural flora or fauna that would not have the natural defenses to protect itself from such species. Hawai'i, with its isolation in the Pacific Ocean, has uniquely adapted endemic species that would be highly sensitive to exposure to and/or competition from invasive species. Endemism is almost ten times richer on islands than on mainland. Rats, fire ants, mosquitoes, coqui frogs and asiatic rhinoceros beetle, to name a few, did not exist on the islands until the advent of foreigners. Even intentional introduction of foreign species had unintended consequences that have wreaked havoc upon the natural habitat. 

Mongooses were brought in to control the rat population in sugar cane fields; however, they are active during the day while rats are nocturnal creatures. Given their opportunistic predatory behavior, rather than control the rat population, it resulted in a reduction of snails, palms and nesting birds, which feed on rats, thereby increasing the rat population. In the 1800s, strawberry guava was brought in as an edible fruit but now threatens endemic flora and fauna because of its shade-casting thickets and dense mats of surface feeder roots.

Hawai'i also has strict guidelines and quarantine restrictions for pets, including service animals, which makes it a challenge for the spontaneous travelers. While the Big Island is the largest of the Hawaiian islands, its population is only a quarter of that of Oahu, the location of the capital. It is known for its agricultural and vast micro-climates, containing 10 of the 14 Köppen climate subzones, practically all but the ones in the Cool Snow Forest climate.

In addition to the active volcanos on the island (juxtaposition), soil transport is also an issue between the micro-climates of the Big Island, with signs warning visitors about bringing unwanted species from footwear or pets. Locals are mindful about acquiring plants from nearby resources rather than other parts of the island for fear of introducing unwanted pests onto their lands. Living on the mainland, even as a resident of the Bay Area, I was unaware of the magnitude of the dangers and long-term effects to the economy and ecology, amounting to over $120 billion to control and combat the impacts in the U.S. alone.

11:11 (part 13)

As with truth or dare, I have always been aware of the lead up to the anniversary of that fateful day. Learnings and synchronicities over the years (full circle (part 7)) have lessened the survivor's guilt that I suffered for so long (a lil' part of history and carpe diem), memorializing that reminder at the base of the nape of my neck (11:11 (part 4)) and capturing the ripple effects from the stone skipping series.

Being on this island, surrounded by the vast blue of the ocean and lush green of the land, waking up to sunrises or falling asleep to the glistening reflection of the moonlight over the ocean, lulled by the music of the native birds and the gentle ocean breezes, seem to have stopped time and the hustle and bustle of the chaos in the world for me. For the first time in decades, I hadn't once thought of this day.

With my roommate being gravely ill for the last few days (and my pseudo quarantining), yesterday was our first day to venture out together to shake the cobwebs. A chance promotion at a local grocery store had me trying to determine if it was the second Sunday of the month, noticing a flyer at the cash register publishing the actual date. For a split second, it was just like any other date, especially written out in long form. As I looked up to step into the queue, it hit me like a ton of bricks, silently mouthing to myself 9/11.

I was surprised by the sudden wave of sadness that overcame my body, perhaps because of the drastic mood change. With intention, I decided to shake if off, and when we went for shaved ice afterwards, I was reminded of the lasting effects it had on New Yorkers when a couple started a conversation with us in what seemed like a benign gesture, yet it made me remembered how friendly and kind we were all to each other in the aftermath.

In the shadow of saudade (part 3), I woke up this morning to:

"Thought about you yesterday, 9/11. Thrilled you're still here ❤️"

juxtaposition

Barren vs. Lush

Down by the hot pockets, the stark vastness of the devastation from five years ago is interspersed between the varying flora the Big Island has to offer along Route 137 in bushwhack country where everything is off grid, and rules seem to be lacking. While some roads were built and reconnected over the lava rocks, many remain buried. A few homes have been rebuilt on top of the black canvas, but with infrastructure completely wiped, many lots remain abandoned.

Sporadically, one can see the lucky souls whose homes were spared, oftentimes, barely as lava rocks abut within mere feet of the perimeter of the abode. The eruption lasted the entire summer of 2018 from May to August, impacting the air quality of the island (much like the aftermath of 9/11 (carpe diem and for whom the bell tolls)), forcing many to relocate to the mainland or surrounding islands. Some never returned.

When the lava lake at Halemu'uma'u overflowed onto the floor of the crater in the spring, it was an omen to something happening soon as the pressure continued to increase, until the lake collapsed (pū'iwa), draining the magma underground until it spewed a little above the Lower East Rift Zone, southeast of the island, bringing tens of thousands of earthquakes during that period.

Lava rocks for miles

Parts of the Lower Puna coastline has still yet to recover, taking out over thirty miles of road (including three miles of the Red Road between Pohoiki and Kapoho), ultimately covering almost fourteen square miles of land with many stories deep of lava, and displacing over 2,000 people.

The Big Island is the only one of the Hawaiian islands that has active volcanos. While the other islands are instituting policies to combat erosion (ease-dropping), the volcanic activity in 2018 added almost 900 acres of new land to the island, including the land surrounding the four additional hot ponds at Pohoiki (hot pockets).

The natives consider Mauna Kea (to infinity and beyond) and Mauna Loa (pū'iwa) (and the surrounding areas) sacred land, leaving prayers and ho'okupu (offerings) to Pele, in hopes of tempering her ire. Yet with her destruction comes creation - the circle of life.

ease-dropping

Private property signs

In Hawaii, any land below the highest wave line (where wet sand meets dry sand during high tide) is considered public property. The public has an implied easement by dedication (a common law right to access to the shoreline via beach transit corridors on private property). It is one of the most common easement disputes on the islands, and historically, property owners had been creative in how they have discouraged people from accessing the shoreline, such as overgrowth of vegetation or building seawalls, further eroding shoreline available to the public.

Approximately a quarter of Hawaii's shoreline has been erased due to seawalls that have been installed both legally and illegally. Despite Hawaii's constitution, the wealthy coastal property owners, including one in Oahu tied to the Obamas, have been able to get around loopholes and/or pay to limit the public's access to shorelines.

The Department of Land and Natural Resources Office of Conservation and Coastal Lands is responsible for ensuring that governmental accesses are well maintained and that property owners, who are subject to fines and misdemeanors, are in compliance. We had heard that there was a path including five ladders down to the shoreline from our rental property. While not the easiest beach to get to, locals have ventured the trek for prime fishing. Unfortunately, the path we took led us back up to the road and we could never find the supposed ladders, even after using a drone to scope out the cliff which was entirely covered by vegetation.

Despite rumors of a dispute with the government over access rights, the property owner(s) near Lyman Bay (mermaid tears) have surprisingly cultivated a marvelous trail, carved from the local flora, along the Kapue Stream, showcasing its grandeur and history.

hot pockets

Kehena Black Sand Beach

The first time I went to a nude/topless optional beach was in Greece when my friend and I were meeting a B-school classmate in his home country. Unfamiliar with the local customs, we didn't find out until later that it is legal to go topless at all beaches in Greece, and while a conservative country with its religious affiliations, naturism has popped up at unofficial spots throughout the country and surrounding islands.

Typical American women in our 20s, we were fascinated by the Europeans' 'joie de vivre'. We spent countless minutes debating on whether we should or should not, especially since we were thousands of miles away from anyone we would know (other than our friend who was joining us later). Ultimately, we talked ourselves out of it. 

Soon thereafter, an elderly women laid her belongings near us and started to disrobe. Most likely, she was a bronzed goddess in her day and it was clear that she came from a time where SPF was not a factor in the fountain of youth. While buxom, gravity had taken its toll. In silence, we looked at each other and almost in synchrony reached back to untie our respective bikini tops. Later, in recounting the experience, we both realized that the woman had something that our womanhood craved...an air of confidence that nobody could ever touch.

After swimming in the ocean and feeling the movement of the water against my sensitive nipples, I felt such a sense of liberation and perhaps for the first time, the possibilities of where my body would take me if I let it. Unfortunately, our 'prudish upbringing' had us covering up before our friend joined us. While I have been on clothing-optional beaches since then, I stayed in conformity with my fellow companions.

The Pahoa area is a bit of the Wild West where people live off grid and seemingly no rules. At the top of the cliff are ad hoc food vendors, offering fruit and some grilled meats off the back of the trucks, a front for a side business offering herbal and plant medicine.

coconut refreshment

Unlike other clothing optional beaches I have gone to over the years, Kehena Beach was the first one where it seemed completely judgement free, regardless of whether one chose naturism, fully clothed and all variations in between. Children and pets, including chickens, were welcomed, and although there was no trash repositories anywhere, everyone embraced the Burning Man principle of 'leaving no trace' (rub-a-dub-dub). 

On Sundays, there is an amazing improv drum circle that resonates primitive sacral beats against the roaring of the surf. The energy of the place (a likely combination of Mother Nature and the inhabitants) felt different from saudade (part 2), perhaps laced with that air the Greek woman exuded. It was still there today even without the frivolity of the drum circle.

My first time a few weeks ago, I once again found myself falling into stride with my companion. Perhaps in rebellion of her judgments against women in alternative lifestyles and/or perhaps entranced by the primal movements of an African man with a body of Adonis, I felt the siren song of the elderly Greek woman from decades before. Although out of politeness, I asked my companion a few weeks ago and my companion today if they would be uncomfortable, it was more a gesture of formality. 

The last few years of exploration has gotten me more comfortable in my own skin. As I embraced that air that is untouchable today, I find myself wondering how the Greek woman's story unfolded and how her journey got her to place where her aura touched two strangers, and left a mark on at least one.

* * * * *

Lava a few stories deep

Along the road to Kehena Beach is a juxtaposition of the dense forest and the barren black, a souvenir from the last eruption at Kīlauea's east rift zone in 2018. At the east side of Pohoiki Bay is where the new meets the old as the lava was halted by the coolness of the ocean waters, about 200 yards from the Isaac Hale Beach Park parking lot. Now cut off from Kapoho Bay and Leilani Estates, this part of the world is a bit remote but a little persistence and a beautiful surprise awaits amongst the lava rocks.

Unlike other hot springs on the mainland, the hot ponds at Pohoiki is clear and is trapped by the surrounding black sand or lava rocks created from the ocean currents inundating the bay with sediment from past eruptions. The water is heated underground by the active volcano and is released in various vents. The pond furthest from the ocean is the hottest and has registered temperatures as hot as 106 degrees, rising since 2020, which some believe are due to the brackish salt-water that has changed the water table underground, elevating the fresh-water to higher temperatures. The tides also seem to influence the temperatures throughout the day.

While not quite the texture of pumice stones, the lava rocks provided a decent alternative to exfoliation, and an impromptu soak in the hot ponds provided by Pele with the minerals from Papa or Ka-luahine was a beautiful way to end the day. We also met a lovely blue heeler named Kiko who amazingly was not deterred by the heated ponds, playing catch with me while her master floated in the pond.

* * * * *

Perhaps supercharged from the vibrations of the Earth, an inexplicable incident occurred as we stepped into the Thai restaurant in Pāhoa that evening. Another patron and my friend recognized each other from the hot ponds. I didn't quite connect the gentleman but maybe he was the person I clambered passed as we got to the smaller but hotter pond amongst the trees. I only saw his back as he was sitting, gathering his things. 

He was seated facing the windows while reading his book, waiting for his order. As the night progressed, I felt this pull on the left side of my body, which was facing him although he was not in my line of sight. I'm not sure when I made the recognition that it may have been attributed to him, but as my friend chatted with him on the way back from the restroom, I started to clean out my inbox on my phone, when I came across the word from a listing from the Redfin email at the same time he named the town he was staying in on the island...Pepeekeo. The first time I had seen or heard it, a mere five minutes from our rental.

Hesitant to voice it but driven to acknowledge it, I mentioned the strange feeling in my body and the simultaneous visual and auditory echoing of his town. Even as I put words to it, my throat started to constrict. I don't know when he left but I felt it as my body slowly released the tension. It was as if there is a knowing of his energy, perchance from another life or a foreboding or sanguinity yet to be fulfilled. I knew it was not the last time I would see Matt.