resfeber

The Sagittarius moon has always infused me with a wanderlust bug. Whether for work or personal, the preparation before a trip is second nature to me, packing right before transportation to the airport, arriving minutes (if not, seconds) before they shut down check-in - rushing but not stressing over potentially missing any flight ... 'there's always another' seems to be my motto (100 days). It is not often that I experience resfeber. 

Art by Carl Paoli

Art by Carl Paoli

CoVID had put a pause on my plans for the next chapter that now appears to be meant to be left unwritten (laying on of hands and synchronicity (part 3)). baby girl was the first time I truly felt the calling to be more grounded (saudade (part 2)). As I focused on being the best puppy mom that I could be over the last months, something unexpected occurred. Akin to a months-long meditative state, I experienced the love and loyalty developed between mistress and pup. A residual connection from the aftermath of synchronicity (part 2) seemed a possibility of laying on of hands on paper that did not translate as well, missing a connection that seemed force. Dabbling in Hinge, even with more purposeful intentions, reiterated the disconnect. Perhaps it was the email noting that the one that I felt most connected was removed for fraudulent activity. 

The universe was clearly guiding me elsewhere, some expected and some unexpected (synchronicity (part 3)). Since close, it's been exciting to channel creativity, bouncing ideas off of each other, as a community taking part in making a clean canvas a loving home, full of colors and vibrancy. A stranger from Instagram who had previously gifted me with some of his creations was kind to share more of his gifts that he felt had more depth for the space, dropping off a tube of varying art pieces in the mail with the destination of Cary, becoming my first package.

A commitment I had made in honor of heart beats had my procrastination kick in for months, despite watching numerous YouTube videos and investing in varying gemstones. As I sat before the colorful gems and bead design board, I knew completing this task was the close of a chapter that I would never re-read again. It was far from perfect - with some knots that had me practice the art of 'letting go' and 'patience' in the creation itself. In the imperfection is love and intention, and because of the heart in it, it became perfection.

"The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away."

~ Pablo Picasso

While Picasso donated almost a thousand works of art to a museum in Barcelona, he had created almost 50,000 pieces during his lifetime. However, Vincent van Gogh, speculated to have only sold one of his pieces, had given away the rest, mostly to pay for room, board and supplies. The chi flowing through the now-empty rooms in Cary, designated with visioning boards, has inspired others to want to paint an original for the space and/or dust off the cobwebs of earlier creations looking for a new home to be loved.

"This is a world that is based on vibrations. And that's confusing to many of our human physical darling friends because you have become so good at interpreting vibrations that you don't even know you're doing it. You interpret vibrations with your eyes so you see. You interpret vibrations with your ears so you hear. You interpret vibrations with your nose so you smell, with your fingers so you feel, with your tongue so you taste. You are veritable vibrational interpreters. 

And the most significant, we're not kidding you, more important even than sight or sound...the most significant translating that you do is with your solar plexus. It's your energy center. It's your emotional center. The emotions that you feel are giving you feedback on your vibrational countenance and that's a very important thing to be aware of because your vibrational countenance equals your point of attraction, and your point of attractions equals your life. It equals every moment of your life. The mix of vibrations within you is what life is."

~ Abraham Hicks

I have been shown the importance of vibrations from my 5-MEO-DMT (blast off), LSD (violet goddess) and QHHT (leap of faith) experiences. Rather than showing me any past or future lives, my Higher Self only showed my energy and vibrations, a reminder of where we start and end.

Since synchronicity (part 3), I have had this stirring in my belly. Kundalini awakening? Excitement of curating community and home? Tapping into creative outlets? Alignment with a life-long manifestation (self-love)? A mixture of all the above and then some? All I know is that it feels so good. I catch myself with a smile on my face for no specific reason. I'm beginning to see that the love that I had been seeking my whole life is here. Perhaps it has always been here but the walls I erected prevented me from 'feeling' it. 

My life purpose was not only to "experience" (synchronicity (part 2)) nor was it to "embody love" - rather it was to be love, and give it away, thereby being loved in return.

"as she let go of adventures
not meant for her, 

she was brought new ones
aligned with her magic."

~ spirit daughter 

laying on of hands

Perhaps in clearing the cobwebs of recurring themes of unwantedness and hidden (saudade (part 5)), it exposed a deeper wound of security (bluebird); yet, his contradictory actions at the end had me wondering (synchronicity (part 2)) where this would take me and what is to be learnt. While the presence of the raven (bubble of bliss, blossoming, and saudade (part 6)) seemed to represent some masculine protection, I had never consciously thought that I felt 'unsafe' until being overwhelmed with feeling emotionally safe during bluebird.

I have minor experiences with reiki as a clearing of energy before medicinal healing sessions such as 5-MeO-DMT (blast off), but have never tried a dedicated reiki session although I had thought about becoming a licensed reiki healer. I have discussed being a part of a healing center over the years with a number of people, including a friend who had moved back to Vietnam from Singapore. We had last connected prior to CoVID when I was planning on relocating to Vietnam for a few years. 

Unlike Bali or Thailand where individuals go looking for healing during their spiritual journeys, Mandala Wellness is in a country where modalities like osteopathy, hypnosis, and reiki are foreign to the locals. As with the Law of Attraction and devoting one's energy into one's passion, somehow practitioners and clients seemed to find their way to the center. I had wanted to try new modalities, hoping to clear any stuck energy that may have resided around my shoulders and elsewhere in my body from emotional traumas I had processed. 

Elsa first studied reiki in 2008 in order to help manage her own anxieties, eventually utilizing it as a tool to help family and friends. Like the empath from 22, she was able to 'see' beyond my energy field, perhaps some memories of what my body held, in addition to moving the energy in the reiki session. Noting that my third eye (sixth chakra) is very active is a testament to my spiritual growth over the years and honing in on my connection with the spiritual self/world.

The crown chakra (seventh chakra), represented by the color violet, has come up in my QHHT (leap of faith) and Christmas 'trip' (violet goddess). She saw an image of my 2-4 year old self crying  and reaching out while seeing someone take my father away. At my root chakra (first chakra), she saw lots of energy flowing there with an imbalance, indicating needs of reassurance or concerns about safety, whether financially or physically, and unclear idea about family and home. 

Energetically, the seventh chakra has a connection with the first chakra as they represent the extremities of the chakra system. That image from my crown chakra was my enlightened self giving me a clue about the imbalance in my root chakra, which came up in bluebird and synchronicity (part 2). My father (full circle (part 3), full circle (part 5), and full circle (part 8)) was in the South Vietnamese Navy at that age, resulting in us becoming 'boat people' as we fled the country. He could have been pulled away to go to war or at the refugee camps when they separated us into barracks. In addition to the war and even as a latch key kid, being responsible for my siblings (full circle (part 8)), there was a lot weighing on my shoulders at an early age that would naturally contribute to concerns of safety.

In what I had thought was a lesson in blossoming to receive, in actuality, it seems as if it was the start to balancing the pendulum of independency and learning to let go and allow others the opportunity to be a partner in my safe haven, truly creating the 'home' to no longer need the self-protection that was erected in childhood (safe haven), always having to rely on my self ... the lingering responsibility and burden that had remained stuck in my shoulders.

The sacral chakra (second chakra) embodies our 'own dwelling' where sensuality, emotions, creativity and intimacy resides. She had me giggling when she recounted the 20 something me excitedly playing hide and seek in a very child-like manner, in front of some figure in the shape of a giant mushroom or cauliflower floret. While I still haven't figure out the symbolism of the giant figure, it still brings a delighted smile to my face with her visual, especially with deep connections and pleasure being such a heart focus to my current journey. In line with connections with others, she also received the message that my path shows fulfillment relating to counseling or coaching others, perhaps in the area of mindfulness/life.

While she noted that she cleared a lot of the energy that I noted in my shoulders, she also detected a hesitancy over my throat (fifth) and heart (fourth) chakras, highlighting that I have not addressed whether and when I would have children. For a second, I was surprised that this came up until I remembered a moment a few months before. While I have thirteen frozen eggs somewhere in North Carolina (22 and kissing my boo boos), I had always viewed it as an insurance policy in case I had a partner who wanted children. I had been indifferent yet always knew I'd be an excellent mother. I cannot explain the times though even in the last few years when the time came to renew the storage term, I never doubted for a second when I opted to continue to keep them rather than donate them to research.

In the midst of in the NOW, he had once joked that we should have a baby. It seemed foremost in his mind during his processing of his past relationship which a mutually-agreed upon abortion was the beginning of an end when both started to individually have misgivings about their decision. I did not put much thought on my reaction at the time, but it was the first time in my life where I answered 'yes' internally while laughing externally at his spontaneity. For the first time, rather than evaluating the quality of the father in answering that question, I just knew as a mother. It was just a fleeting feeling and moment, and I never thought about it again.

After the session, I waved it off as a curiosity, similar to astrology, numerology, fortune tellers or tarot cards...another potential sign but nothing definitive. Quite frankly, I did not know where to start in addressing that. I started thinking about how excited I was to get my puppy (baby girl), which then led me to the acknowledgement that I was already starting roots and building my own family with a puppy. Was this also connected to what she observed in my root chakra about uncertainty of family? Was it connected to safety and allowing others to be part of that?

The time spent with Kai (11:11 (part 14), bluebird and baby girl) where his parents allowed me to be another mother to him or Harry and Archie for over a month in Vietnam had me not only exposed to 'mothering' children 24/7 but also to pregnant mothers. I had decided to give it six months or so with my new puppy to see how my life changes before broaching the topic again, knowing I would be happy to go down this path alone. Only then, did I mention it to another soul, who suggested we go see our dear old 'fortune teller' (11:11 (part 6)) as a fun curiosity before our trip to Hoi An. 

Needless to say, while the couple of other times that I've gone with my friends as a mindless hangover ritual, she has been fairly accurate with what she saw of our lives 1-2 years out, my 'future' could easily be viewed as generic to 'dating' highs and lows. This time though without any prompting with a specific question to ask her, she highlighted synchronicity (part 2), and was very specific to the baby boy with a father with blue eyes that will 'love me more than I love him' which is the Vietnamese way of saying he will be 'taking care of me' and being that trusted partner in our haven and home. 

As I marveled at the beauty of Mother Earth and the magic of the universe (twilight), another thing Elsa underscored as my source of self-care and recharging, I felt the calmness and miracle of all past, present and future connecting right at that moment in time in that specific spot in the ocean.

heart beats

Traveling again, especially to less developed countries, makes COVID seem like an episode of the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror. While some still wear masks, most are doing so to protect from the smog and pollution, especially when the primary mode of transportation is motorbikes. While many in my circle, including myself, contracted COVID, with some, as many as four+ times, luckily, none passed away from it.

But what will never fully be quantified will be the deaths that occurred because of COVID's impact in the world, from logistics/economy (e.g., overtaxed medical system, inability to get food and resources to those in need due to transportation and/or financial constraints) to mental health (e.g., depression, broken relationships, stress). The huge demand for emotional support animals also resulted in the unfortunate abandonment of such furry friends when life adjusted to a new normal, ranging from an increase of 25% in places like England to 50% in India. 

At the same time, in a country where animals were generally kept for functional purposes (e.g., security or rodent management), I was surprised and elated to see how pets are now being treated in Vietnam, with a significant increase in pet clinics/veterinarians, groomers, boarders, and even cat cafes for people to pay to spend time with the kitties. Walking past a Vietnamese man sitting on a little stool at a local street cafe cuddling and talking to his canine pal made my heart smile. Of course, the experience made me think of baby girl, followed by the excitement of the imminent adoption of her kin.

While I had wished I had captured the loving scene for my IG stories (a new way to catalog my travels), I was happy to just be present. Seeing an IG message from an old high school friend, who had shared that she had been enjoying my travel 'stories', I was saddened to hear the passing of my prom 'date' the day before. He had died of a heart attack in his sleep. He marks the third man in my circle and age group, with the other two being college classmates, who have been victims of the leading cause of deaths in the US since the start of the pandemic. Another close friend who was a surrogate father at a point in my life also succumbed to the disease; however, he was older and had a history battling the disease.

Unlike with the 'surrogate father', there was no warning, and perhaps with the stresses of the pandemic, it became the silent killer that we can't prepare for. When I had gotten word that Jay (22 and 11:11 (part 10)) passed right before Christmas 2020, intermixed with the initial shock was a smile and a knowing that Jay had beat us all in accomplishing his life's dream, that kept us up late at night for hours just connecting and talking about all the complexities of life. I knew that where I may have missed my initial train (11:11 (part 10)), Jay made his. I still feel Jay with me at times, as recently as saudade (part 6).

I knew that most news happen in Facebook, so upon hearing the news about my prom 'date', I temporarily reinstated Facebook, something I had deleted since the pandemic, to find that the news of his passing had not made it there yet. However, it was with a happy yet saudade heart that I soon discovered that he recently got married in December 2022. We weren't really in contact since high school, as I left a lot of that trauma behind for me. But when I had joined Facebook in late 2008, he found me and had messaged me to see how I was doing. We must have kept in touch sporadically after that as I have his contact information. In looking at our Facebook messenger chat, the next and last time we had contact was before the pandemic, when I had sent him a YouTube video on 'Twin Flames/Soulmates/Divine Partners - Searching For Answers', it must have been in response to a post he had as my intro was 'this may help you'.

As with Jay, I knew Steven had finally realized his dream. Much like Helen in Sliding Doors, he met his boo. He had struggled so long to come out of the closet and find 'home'. It seems fitting that it is also Pride Month, which although there still isn't a parade in Ho Chi Minh City to commemorate it, there are more visible signs including companies supporting and sponsoring activities around the city. It brings me such peace to know that for all of these men in my life, they were surrounded by love when their hearts stopped beating.

* * * * *

Update August 20, 2023:

At the age of 33, her heart also stopped in the middle of the night. As a pre-teen, she was diagnosed with long QT syndrome that caused her parents to pull her out of soccer which she loved. As an adult, she made the decision to live life and not let the condition debilitate her. Skydiving for her was not only defying gravity but also her genetic predisposition. She forgave easily and loved fully. Her family gifted me her last creation that had a special meaning to her, from the careful curation of the gemstones for their meaning and her favorite colors to her spirit animal that contain three hearts and nine brains, one in each tentacle and the biggest brain-to-body ratio of the invertebrates, making it one of the most intelligent marine species.

My Octopus Teacher brought us into their worlds, showing us the ability for these colorful creatures to form relationships with humans. While known to be solitary creatures, scientists are recently discovering the complexity of their ability to form relationships among themselves, utilizing colors to communicate, and with other species. In one experiment, four octopi were given MDMA, and despite serotonin transporters nearly identical to humans, scientists had hypothesized that its lack of the parts of the brain that results in behavioral changes from drug use would override, negating any impacts. They were surprised to see that the octopi were all cuddly.

This behavior has usually only been observed during mating, which marks the beginning of senescence and their eventual deaths. The female spends over six months guarding her thousands of eggs, unable to catch prey to nourish herself, slowing starving herself and with her last breath, uses her siphon to blow the hatchlings into their new world.

In her own way, Jessica left those she loved with parts of herself that will guide them to their new 'world'. I finished her special mala today before her memorial service. After cleansing and charging the energy in the moonlight, I set the intention of the mala to live fully and love wholeheartedly. While already on the journey of carpe diem and 11:11 (part 4), I know along with Jay, Jess will guide me towards the remainder of my journey.

pimping me out

The French are generally known for being more sexually liberated (lost 'n found), especially in comparison to Americans (reclaiming the cunt (part 3)). However, it would seem as if the Italians may be more open in nudity, sexuality and variations of relationships. In the Amalfi Coast, Gennaro (with new templates...the party continues) disclosed that he never felt the need to have a girlfriend until his mid-30s, when he felt the responsibility as the only son to procreate in order to continue the family lineage. It would seem as if he was not the only one with that mindset.

In their search for happiness, some have even been able to balance family time and individual time (family ties). Although the friend from reclaiming the cunt (part 8) had stated that if he were me, he would not have been so open about my personal life - again his projection of his insecurities and fears of judgment, it did not seem to phase any of the Italians that took part in any of those discussions. In some ways, there was still the typical 'sexist' mindset when some men are practically being touchy and flirty with other women in front of their wives. Yet, in other ways, it was refreshing to not have the feel of 'creepy eyes' boring into you from the slight suggestion of cleavage or skin.

After a few attempts to spend quality time alone, a close family friend who was following on his motorcycle did not continue his way home but rather stopped at the end of the driveway. After my friend's husband went to check on him, his brother then joined in the male huddle after a few minutes. I was not really surprised when they came back in the car and declared that they basically 'pimped me out' in frustration of my perceived cluelessness. The entire exchange was comical as it seemed so archaic yet transparent.

With mild hopes of some sympathy from Luci (thelma & louise (part 2)), I was amused at her reaction after informing her that her sons were pimping me out. In typical Luci fashion, she declared that if I did not 'scopato' (what's in a name?) the family friend, she would. Then, she mused and pimped me out to her single son. Without pause, she postulated that he must be homosexual as like his father, whom she disclosed only wants to do it 3-4 times a week (it was not clear to me if she meant it as the past or present as they are in their 70s), he does not seem to want sex as much. Of course, she had us in tears of laughter.

full circle (part 8)

As noted in beach angel, I have been a latch key kid since I was a toddler in Vietnam. It teaches one to be responsible at a very young age, and in my case, unusually young, coupled with having to also look out for my younger brother (less than a year younger - full circle (part 6)). It is a lot to put on a child who is just sprouting her own wings.

In many ways, it was a lonely endeavor, and took away a lot of the innocence and frivolity of childhood. Sometimes, I think this is why the child-like behaviors come out in me as an adult, trying to capture viewing the world through the eyes of a child. I still believe in miracles...I love surprises in every day life. I also still have remnants of that child who always asks 'why?'.

In trying to face the fear of 'unwantedness', I wonder if one of the two memories I have pre-fifth grade (moments that matter (part 1)) somehow contribute to my 'madness'. Soon after my sister was born (I had to be pre-kindergarten age, as my sister was still a baby so my mother would take her to Noah's Ark, the daycare center that my mother worked at the time), I was picked up by a police officer who had noticed me wandering the streets alone. It was a very small town so my uttering of Noah's Ark was enough for him to take me to my mother. 

Luckily, it was a different time so my mother got off with a warning rather than having social services take away her children. Needless to say, I did not get off lightly for having left my younger brother at home alone. I do not know what caused me to wander, but I am sure it was a cry for help.

* * * * *

Being immigrants, my parents had to work very hard at low paying jobs. My mother's certification as a teacher was not sufficient in America and she ended up having to go back to school. As a military brat, my father was limited to utilizing his mechanical skills. My mother's night school meant that much of my child rearing days were with my father.

However, because of some extra-curricular activities, I was not able to take the bus home one day. In the days before cell phones, my father forgot to pick me up from school, and everyone, including the janitors had left. It was nightfall by the time my father remembered, most likely because he had gone home after working overtime to make extra cash, and realized I was not there. I stared at the empty parking lot for hours, sitting on the sidewalk, unsure what to do and where to go.

* * * * *

Perhaps these events contribute to my childhood demons of abandonment. David Bowie spent much of his life facing his fears of insanity, as it afflicted many of his family members. He created different personas and music in hopes of eluding his fears. In addressing this theme in his music, he inherently faced it head on. He used his personas to share the pain, as witnessed in Rock 'n' Roll Suicide, where Bowie consoles Ziggy, and David Jones (his birth name) consoles Bowie..."I'll take my share / I'll help you with the pain".

After decades of drug abuse, sex addiction and many personas, he eventually emerged emotionally healthier. While I like to believe I am authentic me, the reality is that over the years, I have masked my inner pains and heartaches by pushing the little girl aside. While some friends know bits of pieces of these stories, I joke about them and brush them off as no big deal, but those moments shaped me in some form or fashion. Inherently, I have created personas with the relatively politically correct, conservative executive; talk a good game virgin (aka Bambi); curiosity killed the cat busy body; brash independent bitch; multi-orgasmic slut (aka Minx); lost, lonely little girl; analysis paraplegic; and many other iterations.

In this year of ME, I am reminding myself of their origins and better understanding their different needs and attributes. It also explains why in certain situations, part of my life, like work, has been roots of unhappiness for years, as my persona there, while immensely successful, is not who I choose or want to be (see stone skipping (part 4)). I communicated to him last December that I was no longer that 13-year old girl, but the reality is...I am. Her childhood adversity and her achievements derived from such adversity is part of me. I can no longer push her away and deny her.

My self is determined by choosing who I am and who I will become. I am upping my ziggy to choose the parts of those personas that is the authentic me, one who is not afraid of being alone, and can find happiness within her own skin and/or in the simple things of every day life.

kissing my boo-boos

As children, sometimes pain is more mental than physical. That is why when someone kisses a child's boo-boo, all is good with the world. Children cry many times as a reaction to an adult's facial expression so we learn to smile and laugh after a child falls in hopes that it is somehow encouragement that the fall was a cool thing to do.

Today was a painful day for me. It was with a heavy heart from flash of light that I started to resolve by turning in my resignation. After spending almost a quarter of a century devoted to the firm, including sacrificing critical parts of my personal life, I could no longer associate myself with one infiltrated with misogyny and racism. Since I have repatriated back to the U.S., I have had two married partners attempt to have sex with me, both times trying to get me drunk under the guise of mentoring and advice for the "new girl in town". One even was so arrogant that he had already booked a hotel room and had an excuse to his wife as to why he had to stay in the city for work. 

However, the "new girl" was just "fresh meat". Another single partner, whom I had rejected a few times, in a drunken stupor thought it best to try to shame me in front of my team at a happy hour for dating younger men, as he believed it was inappropriate, although it was entirely acceptable for him to date younger women. Unfortunately, one of these men became one of my immediate reports who would influence my performance. With him and a number of other male partners, I witnessed how they would push a male senior manager for promotion by giving him credit for "training" a staff person who worked with him for a month or two, while stating that a female senior manager, whom the staff worked for two years with, benefited from the tutelage of the male senior manager. The "leader" also avoided interacting with me or giving me the courtesy and respect as a partner, even going as far as going to my senior managers and managers for information on my projects.

Same discrimination was done as it related to staffing of projects and performance ratings of staff, turning a blind eye to unethical behavior of other male partners. Yet, I did not formally report any of this. I was vocal though. A different leader had stated to me that is why people like me should stick around and speak up, but a voice of one in a sea of many, especially when I am not always invited to the table becomes a fruitless exercise of going around the hamster wheel. I reported these informally though, including a leader of both of the leaders noted, as I was hoping that he could be on the lookout for potential retaliation. However, he said in passing that he didn't believe me on the sexual harassment. Perhaps, deep down I was hoping that someone would formally report it on my behalf so that it would minimize the retaliation that would come my way.

I consulted with others internal and external and it was unanimous that at someone my level, it would just ruin my reputation and given the lack of transparency, especially in performance evaluations, it would be impossible for me to prove any retaliation. So I kept silent. I now have to deal with the tremendous guilt that I could not do anything to help those below me, from my senior manager who was so devoted to the firm and is a superstar yet having to go through such disappointment at how the firm treats people to the ladies that reached out to me to report their individual stories. However, unlike those I informally reported to that failed me, I am determined to do the right thing including formally reporting their concerns, as is our policy. While certain actions while I was on vacation had frighten some to withdraw their participation, I am hoping that when they called me in Vietnam that something I said may have given them strength to continue to try to improve the culture.

I cannot change the past but I no longer have to remain silent, and hopefully my actions can lend them a voice.

* * * * *

I have been blessed with amazing full-body orgasms (reclaiming the cunt (part 3) and face of the girl (part 3)). I used to think it was normal until a few partners had noted that they had never seen such a thing. With that, comes a cost of having a lot of nerve endings.

The LEEP procedure was supposed to be a relatively easy in-office procedure. While I had gotten the usual dosage of local anesthesia (20 ml), the doctor decided to give me an additional 10 ml, the maximum that she can give without a licensed anesthesiologist. My tolerance for pain is high. My masseuse has the San Francisco 49ers and Golden State Warriors as clients. She generally leaves bruises on other women yet I have never gotten a bruise from her massages. I did not even know that the doctor had completed my egg harvesting for oocyte cryopreservation as I felt no pain or cramps. I don't usually have cramps when Aunt Flo visits. Even a masseuse in Vietnam who walked on my back noted that somehow working on me is like working on two people given my pain tolerance.

So I was not prepared for the immense pain - it was as if someone was cutting me open without any anesthesia at all. I cried the entire time and went back and forth from almost hyperventilation to not breathing at all from the pain. The procedure was further prolonged as I also seem to have a lot of blood vessels there as well. When drawing blood, my veins usually are free flowing but with pressure, it seals quickly. Even after a 10-minute break with old-fashion gauze packing vs. cauterizing and to let my pain settle, the flow did not stop.

When the doc gave me the option of going to operating room this evening or vaginal packing with alternative of operating room in the morning if the bleeding did not stop, I opted for the latter as I could not emotionally take any more today. It was the most traumatic experience for me based on my limited memory banks (safe haven), and it may be a while before I can separate that from my amazing orgasms. Luckily, after a bit of a dry spell, I was fortunate to have a lovely "romp in the hay" recently to be fresh in my memories.

As I was walking home, I realized that this is one of those rare occasions where I "regret" not having someone "to go home to". I did not tell many about my procedure - primarily my senior manager and masseuse who both offered to be there for me. A small group of friends from Asia knew as I mentioned in passing as it related to an entirely unrelated but related conversation yesterday. Because of location and kindness, I know that the man from lost 'n found would have readily been there to lend a warm body and cuddles; however, in the end, I rather be alone than hidden (hide 'n seek). In the end, it results in the same thing...being alone, except one I can salvage my authenticity.

fuse in fusion

Split is the second in a series by M. Night Shyamalan after Unbreakable and is loosely based on Billy Milligan, who was the first person to be acquitted of charges based on an insanity defense from multiple personality disorder. He had 24 personalities, separated into 'Desirables' and 'Undesirables'. Ironically, two of the Desirables ("Ragen" and "Adalana") committed the crimes of rapes and burglaries that resulted in his arrest. "Jason," an Undesirable, functioned as the pressure valve, releasing all the tension of the alters. "The Teacher" was neither a Desirable or Undesirable and was an amalgamation of all the alters, including having almost total recall of the thoughts and actions of the other personas.

Initially, when she chopped off her locks in March to showcase a new pixie cut, Katy Perry was reported as the latest woman who traded in old for a new look to shake off the baggage from a breakup (yours truly has done something similar). "There is something about a drastic cut that can feel cathartic after a breakup, like you are cutting off the dead weight and becoming lighter and freer," said Dr. Laura Berman. However, as part of her promotion of her new album, Witness, she has been live streaming her everyday life (Witness World Wide), including a therapy session, where she admitted having suicidal thoughts (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)). Born Katheryn Hudson, she had a strict Christian upbringing with both her parents being Pentecostal pastors, and started her career as a gospel singer.

"Katheryn," the self and her inner child, was often hidden. 

"I'm really strong as Katy Perry, sometimes I'm not as strong as Katheryn Hudson. People talk about my hair, right? And they don't like it, or they wish that it was longer. I so badly want to be Katheryn Hudson that I don't even want to look like Katy Perry anymore sometimes, and that is a little bit of why I cut my hair, is because I really want to be my authentic self like a 100% on it. And so it hurts you know when I don't think I can...

Women don't have to be, or people don't have to be, just one thing you know? And like you can grow and I'm in my 30s now, and I'm not the same person I was four months ago. I think that's beautiful because of the re-education and evolution. I love growing. I love learning, and you know sometimes it's hard when people want you just to be like a time capsule of what you were...but it's just my journey I guess, I can't control anything else...

If people can see that I am just like them, then they can dream just as big...I've been writing songs about this so I wrote this one song for this record called 'Mind Maze,' how you know sometimes it's hard to navigate this world and I wonder if I just push the reset button and surrender to love and surrender to loving myself that like I would still be able to have all the things that I dream I could have as Katheryn Hudson. And I knew it would be a delicate balance. That even talks about that in the lyrics...

I want to be seen and heard but like I want to be seen and heard for real I guess and I think everyone wants to be seen and heard. Like people don't want to be seen and heard just because of the pictures they post on Instagram of the filters that they pick. Like that's not the head that lays down on the pillow...next to your partner. You don't get to filter. That's just real true intimacy. I think sometimes we hide behind all these things like Instagram and I do the same thing, I create this character but like it makes it so much harder to be real and intimate with people...

I'm a bit more nerdy than everybody thinks I am pinup, which means I'm just a goofball. I like to play a lot. I love humor. I like to make people laugh, I like to laugh myself. I love music...

I just learned how to hug. I always thought it was too intimate, like a sexual thing...someone's got to feel my boobs...I didn't realize that that's not everyone's intention. It's just a hug; it's just to connect, and I just learned that..." [sic]

Katheryn is 11 years old, and has not fully developed the skillsets to navigate adult relationships. She had to be responsible at a young age, so never really got the chance to be a child, hence her playfulness as she described above. This was so serendipitous as if I'm living a parallel universe (moments that matter (part 4), (wo)man in the mirror, hide 'n seek and full circle (part 8)), including her list of 5 attributes that she's looking for in a partner (the truth shall set you free) and her gratefulness for the relationships she's had (moments that matter (part 2), when it rains, it pours, moments that matter (part 4), standing taller and moments that matter (part 6)).

"I've had a lot of really nice ones and one of them in particular has been like a really amazing example of a man and you know, a gentleman. I had to push pause on that because I had to grow. I couldn't grow together because like two halves don't make a whole. One whole makes something. Two wholes make two. So I had to grow and you know I'm just really grateful for someone like him who mended my wings. I know you know hold a space for me so that I can grow and doesn't judge me even if I can be, I can judge. Sometimes I'm a little judgy but that's just my ego and my upbringing. Yeah, probably from some of my conditioning...

I may be single but I'm not really lonely. Of course, I'd love companionship. It would be amazing to have companionship because this is a wild ass ride I'm on. It's a roller coaster and I'd love to throw my hands up in the air with someone but it'll happen and I'm just creating that space right now for it to happen in the right way.

What I would love is just someone who has maybe done the work as well. Has dug deep, has pulled out whatever is not serving them in their life. They are a whole person, a healed person. That's what I want, but like I have to be that as well...

I can live my most authentic self...and I pulled an angel card two years ago and all the card said was 'authenticity'...

You have one choice...to be right or to be loved. Do you want to be right or do you want to be loved? I just want to be loved." [sic]

Similar to David Bowie (full circle (part 8)), Katheryn uses music and alter ego(s) to share her pain and ultimately, they both (used or) are using their personas therapeutically to understand their different parts better and being more conscious of their origins to choose and achieve authenticity. The Teacher is in all of us. It was brave for her to be so vulnerable to thousands of people. When she drew the angel card this time, it was...f r e e d o m!

stone skipping (part 7)

Sadly, it is not uncommon for men to physically abuse their wives in Vietnam and other Asian/Middle Eastern countries. The mothers also perpetuate this as they coddle their sons. Tradition includes having sons and their families living under the same roof as the sons' parents while the daughters live at home until they are married and can move into their husbands' families' homes, which is why women are also pressured to marry early as "one less mouth to feed" (full circle (part 3)).

However, women are also usually the hard workers and "breadwinners" in the household (me love you long time (part 6)). In a way, the culture breeds "weak men" who are used to being taken care of by mothers or wives, and women are taught that they have no choices, and their "value" is tied to the men they are attached to (face of the girl (part 1)). A man who is "lazy" and emasculates himself in his mind, as well as lack of emotional intelligence, would probably view that his option to balance the scales would be to exert his physical power.

One of my cousins met and married his college crush. They had the same education; however, his wife was more driven and worked diligently to learn English so that she would have opportunities at multinational financial institutions, whereas he was content with working at a local financial institutions, which are protected by the government (including indirect job security based on the culture of pushing people down - stone skipping (part 1)) and offered nap times. The differences in salaries ranges are exponential, ranging from 3-7x more.

As a tribute to her hard work, they were able to afford purchasing their own condo as well as employ a maid/nanny after their son was born. They should have been happy and proud for such accomplishments in a country where people usually cannot afford their own homes and live in communal homes with generations under the same roof. However, his parents resented her and blamed her for no longer having their son under their roof although they still spent every weekend with his family at their home. He would sit back while his parents bullied and chastised her, despite her being the dutiful daughter-in-law in every other aspect including cooking and cleaning for her in-laws over the weekend. He was not the only son, as the older son and his family still lived at their home.

He benefited from her financial success and flaunted the money when he went out with his friends, including purchasing expensive items, perhaps even for other girlfriends (common theme in Vietnam as well - stone skipping (part 5)). When he physically hit her in front of their son and their help, he did not even have any remorse or apology but denied it ever happened. Her friends and family encouraged her to stay with him as it is normal for the husband to hit the wife when it is perceived that she "disobeyed".

Since I was part of his family, she did not initially have the intention to disclose this to me; however, when I found out, I encouraged her to do what she felt was right for herself but also for her son, especially to break the cycle for future generations of men. My support though was unconditional to anything she decided to do. She has an amazing spirit and strength. He did not make it easy as he refused to give her a divorce and also threatened to take their son away from her, even though he had no intention of raising him himself but rather have his mother raise their son. He was also the only man she has ever dated or been with, so being alone is not something that women in Vietnam are taught to do.

His family, of course, tells a different story as to the demise of their relationship. I have made it clear what occurred to relatives in the U.S., and our family continues to support her and opening our homes as she makes trips to U.S. to find opportunities for her and her son in America.

"Sincerely I need to say Thank you for the inspiration you have made to my life and career even though you might have not noticed. I have felt the girl power in you that has made me believe in mine. 😊"

After she sent me this message earlier this week and after visuals of mothers who bring their children to pussy riots and #ADayWithoutAWoman, there seems to be a collective movement of wonderful mothers who represent a whole new generation of women that are helping to break the cycle, nurturing strong individuals who have the balance of both the masculine and feminine attributes. Technically, she is my ex-cousin-in-law; however, she will always be a "sister," and I'm proud of her for bucking the system and having the strength and conviction not to let walls and hurdles from stopping her from achieving her dreams. 

reclaiming the cunt (part 3)

When I entered the online dating world a couple of years ago, it was really the first time I got the full dose of the games people play in order to establish some perceived value...in what we call "the chase". As a late bloomer, I never experienced the full realm of this. Even then, my first relationship lasted 3-5 years off and on, and I guess because I was a virgin for so long, never experienced "slut shaming" in all its glory.

I have discovered that I love kinky fuckery and while she (yes, I refer to my pussy in the third person as she has a mind of her own) tends to be monogamous and selective, she also likes to have fun. I have had a number of people (friends, acquaintances and strangers) comment that I should be a sex therapist or something given my open mindedness when it comes to sexual acts/experiments as well as the innate ability to have strangers open up and disclose very personal things within the first meeting. For that and other reasons, I believe many think my number is very high (for a woman, which the hypocrisy that there are two different acceptable thresholds based on gender bothers me). It is not, but as I tell people, that is also very irrelevant.

Slut shaming (reclaiming the cunt (part 1)) serves no purpose. It is something patriarchal societies do to suppress and repress women; however, I never quite understood why women do it to each other, perhaps out of jealousy and fear of their own desires. Having a healthy libido has extended years on people's lives. Studies have shown that orgasms and sperm in a woman's body has numerous health benefits including reduction of pain and aches, anti-depressant, etc. I know for me a lot of sex/orgasms clears up my face (to the point where someone thought I had some work done recently), reduces my period/aches/pain, and with frequency, can give me a 6-pack. 

That is the physical side but there is also a lot of intimacy and bonding, even with fuck buddy or friends with benefits arrangements. To me, it really is more about the healthy view of sex as well as mutual respect for anybody that you may engage in any activity, including hugs (hug it out) and cuddling. There are cuddle parties and meetups popping up all over the world. Cuddle Up to Me provides certified professional snuggling services (yes, there is a certification now). So where do humans draw the line between paying for professional cuddles and sex as somehow acceptable or deplorable acts?

When people tell me that they would never pay for sex (see china anniversary) as if it is a bad and desperate thing, I oftentimes point out that "wining and dining" someone with the primary intention of getting sex is the same thing and perhaps more costly and probably less satisfying. I never understood my male friends who would constantly pursue women who "played hard to get" and expected men to pay for dates. One friend explained to me that it means that she doesn't just "give it up to anyone" and makes people work for it. What is "it"? That implies that sex is not something given freely but has a cost and payment to it, whether via cost of dates and/or effort. It creates this false illusion that value is directly correlated to the effort one has to put in to get it. Why are women to be pursued and men not? Do men not have value by that logic? What happened to mutual attraction, mutual respect and mutual fun?

So when I joined the online dating world, I intentionally chose not to play the games that I despise (see me love you long time (part 7)). In so doing, I have met men who would flake on "dates" or "fuck buddies" to hang out with friends or do something they placed more value as if sex as a shared and fun activity could be easily had. Yet, they seemed to wonder why someone is not just waiting around for their booty call. I even met a guy who could not be friends with someone that he still wanted to have sex with yet when he was having sex, he'd constantly flake and would prioritize friends, constantly trying to wave friendship as some white flag to reel a person back in order to proposition again.

During my experiment with polyamory, I dated a man whom we had a lot of fun with shared activities. I prioritize people in my life but I also treat everyone with the same respect. When he started dating another woman who would only make time for him once every 3 weeks, it made him want her more. He kept excusing that she was busy so the fact that she "squeezed" him in every once in awhile somehow held some value to him. We are all busy; we all prioritize what is important. He never could reconcile that it meant that she did not view him as important. He even rationalized it to himself, when he thought they had a date and she decided to go to Tahoe instead. The reality is that she never committed anything to him in advance and only reached out to him last minute so she can keep her calendar open to other more important options.

So while one may view "the chase" as perceiving the other as more valuable, what does it really say about the person's value who is doing the chasing as if he/she is not worthy of being respected and pursued mutually? I don't chase but I also don't like to be chased. If I am interested, I let a person know - I initiate as much as the other. I know my worth and would only want to be with someone who feels the same about his/her worth. Devaluing someone as "easy" is only devaluing the person who made such judgment.

hug it out

Sometimes I purchase packages to remind me to pamper myself. Unfortunately, I do forget what I have out there. Luckily, when I did this in Vietnam, the establishments would remember me even years later when I would visit as a tourist and remind me what I have left (at your service). It occurred to me that if I am moving soon, I need to start wrapping these up so to kick off the week, I decided to get a blow out on a nice Sunday funday.

As the stylist was shampooing my hair, just like that she declares that she is going to give me a hug before I leave. She had noted that my hands were full with froyo when I walked in; otherwise, she would have just hugged me then. It is a funny concept in that it is foreign for strangers to just hug, but we both were commenting on how beautiful this world would be if strangers just hugged - make love, not war. 

It reminded me of the Free Hugs campaign where strangers with Free Hugs signs approach people in public places offering to give hugs. People's reactions in NYC was mixed when this first came out with some actually cringing and rushing off from strangers approaching them for hugs. Years later though, it became so commonplace that people just gathered and lined up to hug anyone. It started in Australia from "Juan Mann" who was depressed and lonely until a random stranger hugged him at a party, and it was the difference he needed. The Sick Puppies made it viral from a YouTube music video.

While it was not International Free Hugs Day (yes, that is a thing as the first Saturday after June 30), it was wonderful to feel the positive energy and vibrations from Dee as she gave me a genuine warm embrace to jump start the week. Valentine's Day tends to be overhyped to accentuate couple privilege and in so doing, isolates many singles, but in the end, it is about professing love and honoring love in all forms. Someone out there clearly knew I needed a hug, and it was manifested in a random act of kindness from a stranger.

when it rains, it pours

California has been in a state of emergency with a 5-year drought. This season's snow and rainfall has resulted in only 51% of the state remaining in drought compared to 95% last year. The Sierra Nevada snowpack, which provides a third of the state's water normally, was at 173% of average, the highest level since 1995. The constant rain has resulted in a leaky roof, seeping into the bedroom, as well as water levels in the basement, which resulted in taking out the pilot light of the hot water heater since the water pump could not keep up with the rising water.

It also seems to be raining men as well. Since I had deleted all my online dating accounts, I have had almost half of the people I have met in the last couple of years contact me, men I have not seen in as long as 6 months to almost 1.5 years ago - all but one were men who we went on one to three or so dates. The initial one was on January 13, which I viewed as weird happenings on Friday the 13th and remnants of the full moon so I did not respond; however, after absolution and two others this past Tuesday, it no longer seemed so coincidental.

It feels as if I have been dealt The Fool tarot card. It is either the first (#0) or last (#22) major arcana card, representing a new beginning and carefree adventure, and consequently, an end to the old life. In so doing, he lets go of all the trappings of the old with all his worldly possessions in a small sack, and has blind faith and innocence in enjoying the present moment. It seems that part of my letting go required me to perhaps get some sort of resolution with some past soul contracts that are not over.

When I met one of the men this morning, it was interesting to discover that we are both looking to make some drastic changes this year, including travel and career changes. He is also hoping to enjoy life and be more deliberate in finding happiness. One of the other guys had mentioned that he was ready to start taking "ownership of [his] life" as well.

When the other gentleman asked if I found what I was looking for as he noticed my OKCupid account was gone, he then asked whether I felt that I made a mistake meeting him as I explained that online dating was changing me and I needed to get back to the part of me that I love. I told him that I no longer see life as mistakes (11:11 (part 4)), and when things do not work out the way we want it, it is when we learn more about ourselves than if it did work out.

I was not expecting some of his following statements given our short stint together:

"...[want to be] in a place in my life to be a worthy companion for you...I think spending time with you is great for me. I like being held to a high standard. I want to grow."

With Valentine's Day coming up, there are so many relationship advice articles on my social media feeds. One had a headliner that read, "[m]en marry women thinking they won't change and they do; women marry men thinking they will change and they don't." I have never had any desire to change someone (see me love you long time (part 7)) and believe that unconditional love requires loving someone for who he/she is (e.g., beliefs, values, past, hopes and dreams), supporting him/her along his/her journey.

But I do believe that people can change, if they so desire. I seem to have been blessed in encountering some of these men in the last couple of years, who are learning more about themselves and being more honest and genuine in how they engage with others, including exhibiting their kindness with someone they barely know. I always wanted to find a partner in crime to explore life, and it would seem as if I am finding a few partners in crime to support each other in our quests. I now have a weekend coding partner...now I just need to learn how to code. 😊

* * * * *

Update February 26, 2017:

Más uno más. Quizás dos.

Update March 20, 2017:

Goodness, two more but the last round includes people who do not bring positive energies.

22

1+1+1+1 = 4 = 2+2

In 1998, my friend Jay and I watched Sliding Doors and debated for hours our various views of fate and free will. We closed down a restaurant, bar and coffee shop before landing on my stoop in Greenwich Village. Jay believes that we all have free will, and everything else that happens in our lives is purely coincidence. My view is similar to my view on creationism and evolution, in that, they are not mutually exclusive concepts.

Helen (Gwyneth Paltrow) misses a train, which takes us to a parallel universe. In one universe, she catches her boyfriend cheating on her, goes through depression and then rebuilds her life as a strong, independent woman. James, whom she met when she dropped her earring on a lift, serendipitously continues to pop in and out of her life, providing her positive energy and encouragement. They eventually fall in love, and when happily ever after was supposed to kick in, she is killed by a car. In the other universe, she is clueless of her boyfriend's infidelity until the other woman constantly tries to force the issue. She also ends up getting an offer at an international PR firm, and after ending her relationship, the denouement is when the lift opens, she drops her earring and meets James.

Jay interpreted the movie as free will resulted in a short life in one universe and a longer one in the other. My interpretation was that free will just postponed who she was meant to be and experience in that lifetime compared to the other, but fate will eventually push you to a similar result, despite your continued choices, even if they were wrong. Eventually, we both momentarily stopped our debate at around 3:30am. Perhaps it was footsteps that we both heard, but at the same time, we turned our heads to the right. Within a few feet from us was Gwyneth Paltrow and her friend walking by us.

Jay and I never spoke of that moment again until over 10 years later when he disclosed that the incident was one of two situations in his life where he had no explanation.

*****

I've had some odd recurring themes in my life. For example, I've had three different people in three different ways (i.e., birth date, needle/thread over palm, face reading) tell me that I am supposed to have five kids. At this age, I would think that the time has passed for that to be true, except for the option of oocyte cryopreservation.

Last year, my friend's aunt, who supposedly is connected to the spirit world since she hit her head during a fall a few years back, had mentioned that I had a male spirit who had been preventing me from getting married. At the time, it seemed a negative energy as the mononormative world and society believes all people should aspire for marriage. At times, I randomly pick a salon and a hair stylist and give him/her carte blanche. In the spring, I chanced upon a stylist who is an empath. He was explaining how he had to learn to balance his talents with having a normal life. Out of nowhere, he mentioned that a young male spirit was around me. However, he only saw positive energy from the spirit, and speculated after I mentioned the friend's aunt's comment that perhaps the spirit was protecting me from getting married to the wrong people.

During this latest self-destructive stage, I had allowed myself to be disrespected, in the name of experimenting with polyamory. During that time, I did tell the other person that normally I'd walk away from this already but I kept convincing myself that it was worth it to try something new and different, as the status quo did not seem to be working for me in my quest for love. However, there was nothing loving about a toxic relationship filled with gaslighting, that took me back to behaviors from my first relationship (moments that matter (part 6)). 

After the final breakup, I had suspected that something was off. At first, I thought he was self-sabotaging, like the man in the first relationship, rather than dealing with his ego. It made me think that Sophia was not real, and I said as much to him, as she triggered an excuse for him to start an argument, which to me seemed so trivial in the big scheme of things. 

However, synchronicity and numerology has me wondering if it isn't fate/my male spirit forcing my hand to get out of a toxic relationship before I had lost who I have become over the years. I did have two friends who also tried to get me to recognize this, around the same time as well as the profiles below.

Immediately after the first breakup, Sydney contacted me the following night, minutes after I re-established my OK Cupid profile. I had wanted to try a triad again, that wasn't so dysfunctional as the first. She said all the right things including that their last relationship lasted five years until their girlfriend got married, and Sydney was in her wedding. She kept in contact with me throughout my South African holiday, and was actively trying to find me a play partner as I had been disappointed that the timing of the breakup prevented me from going to a Halloween masquerade party. I don't like to start things with people until I can be 100% in and so had delayed meeting them until I got back.

When we had decided to get back together for a trial period, Sydney's kik no longer worked. She has not been on OK Cupid since November 3.

Less than a week after our trial period, Sophia reached out to me. Initially, it was not meant to be in context of a triad but she immediately started asking questions about my situation. I had thought that I may have introduced the triad concept but it seems as if she was probing to get it there. She also said all the right things as we had discussed being open to a triad. She also introduced a triad group that we could be part of that sounded like the ideal poly network which was aspirational for both of us. Similar to Sydney, she stayed in contact, checking in on me post breakup as well and was supportive of my trip to meet him in Las Vegas (moments that matter (part 2)). However, when I got back, her kik also no longer worked, and she has not been on OK Cupid since November 26.

They were both from San Diego, yet split time in San Francisco...enough for it to be something to pursue yet to have an excuse of not being in town. Both only had one picture. I had asked Sophia her reason after being guarded from the Sydney/Doug situation, and she had said that her profile is new and she didn't bother filling everything else out once she met me. Both also have the same picture in kik. Both had sent me other pictures though - Sydney of just herself although I remember thinking that the person didn't look exactly like the one in the couple picture and Sophia of others in the triad poly network.

They both seem to know exactly what to say to "hook" me as I had been very picky in getting into dysfunctional triads. Initially after the final breakup, I had wondered if the guy or his friend was the one who created these profiles to either "test" me, which doesn't make sense in polyamory, or to "trigger" disagreements. However, both kept in contact with me in positive ways upon reflection. They only disappeared after I went weeks without contacting them and after either getting back on trial period or reconnecting with him in Las Vegas after a year apart.

I did think that their names were very similar with the capitalization and poly reference as well. Both are very short profiles and start with "just". Same categories were completed as well regarding age, gender, orientation, etc.

Then I noticed 22...synchronicity.

me love you long time (part 7)

I recently heard the following that struck me in its simplicity in meaning yet complexity in execution:

I don't want you to give up your life. I just want you in mine.

I have always had a view that relationships that usually endure the test of time are those where individuals do not rely on the other for their happiness but oftentimes complement each other in their compatibility, respect and love for each other. Seems like a mouthful but having been in Vietnam for less than a year, the number of failed relationships (whether on paper or not) seem disproportionately high (see me love you long time (part 6) and china anniversary).

Before I left for the States for the holidays, I got into a conversation with a number of young staff. They were concerned that at the ages of 21-22, they were not married or had a boyfriend. After I gave them my perspective of learning more about themselves and what they want in life including exploring a number of relationships, the only male with us chimed in that it is not possible in Vietnam since it is the woman's fault that the culture is the way it is, given their propensity to want to find men to take care of them at any and all costs to their own self-respect. Interesting view to shift the blame as I think the phenomenom is due to both genders using the other for their own purposes (e.g., sugar daddy vs. trophy wife). No matter how it is spun, in the end, it boils down to the same formula with both sides at fault and wanting to shift the blame to the other party.

It reminds me of a relationship that my friend told me about one of her friends. The young lady dated her husband for about five years before marrying him less than a year ago. It does not seem as if he's changed or want to change since she started dating him, but for some reason, she thought that by marrying him, he would give up his addiction of gambling on cockfights so that they could save money to start a family. He blatantly told her that if he had to choose her or the cockfights, the cockfights would win hands down. However, his grandmother put up with it with his grandfather and his mother with his father so he could not see why she could not be like them. On the other hand, because either he was a very good liar and hid this from her or she somehow thought the ring on the finger would give her license to try to change him, any marriage stemming from either was doomed to fail. However, she is at a critical juncture in which she has to determine what to do. While they have been separated, she has made the rounds of fortune tellers with the hopes that they can tell her what to do. She is concerned that if she divorced him at the age of 25, nobody else would want her and she would be forever single. Seems like another selfish reason and two wrongs do not make a right.

It occurs to me that if people started relationships for more selfless reasons - basic love, trust and respect for each other, including themselves, there is a solid foundation to build on. However, many of both genders have a constant wont to change people into some theoretical 'perfect' person. People should want to change to become a better person on their own, lest they build up resentment or the change is temporary. Because I generally have a view about anything and everything or will point out double standards in people's behaviors, I have been accused of wanting to change people, which can't be further from the truth. It takes too much effort and is not my responsibility to do so. As I noted in what's your sign?, I have the tendency to observe how people treat strangers in evaluating the true nature of a person and have no desire for games, of which changing someone falls into that category. Besides, it takes just as much effort to put up a toilet seat as it does to put it down. Very trivial in the big scheme of things, don't you think?