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Vietnam has changed a lot since I lived here, and even since my last visit in 2017 (same same but different). My first store that I ventured into had a full display of sex toys - something that was underground, recycled by expats as gifts to local girlfriends and confiscated at customs in the past (elvis has left the building). Yet, although accessible before, like Thailand (that's a-mores!), porn sites are now blocked.

While District 2 is full of Western influences in its restaurants and bars, menus have been customized to local preferences, like unpalatable and al fresco to go, While two of the top three selling pizzas of Al Fresco's Group are typical pizzas in Western countries, the other one (New Oceana) is specific to local tastes, comprising of bacon, tuna, onions and cheese while covered in Thousand Island dressing, with your usual ketchup and pepper packets as extras that Southern Vietnamese put on top of their pizzas (al fresco to go).

Even Pizza Hut introduced the Worm Pizza on April 1 of this year, resulting in many wondering if it was an April Fool's joke. But as noted by Saigoneer, it was launched to line up with Earth Day and one of the company's mission of sustainable sources of food, given the high protein content of silkworms.

Despite the general lactose-intolerance of its people (got milk?), there is now an abundance of affordable milk options from local to foreign sources, including Meiji and oat milk. I was surprised to find the only 'gluten-free only' restaurant in the country, considering the significance of coeliac disease in the US. While I knew that pasta in Italy (and other countries) tend to not contain gluten because of the lack of pesticides in locally sourced wheat, I had not realized that soy sauce contained gluten until I recently dated someone (synchronicity (part 2)) who sometimes had belly aches from Asian food. However, because most of the carbs in the Vietnamese diet is rice based, over 95% of the diet is gluten-free, including the locally sourced soy sauce. Much of the diet is also fresh, unprocessed and organic.

As locals start modifying their diet to incorporate those from other countries, they may find that the Southeast Asians may also have an intolerance to gluten. My 23andMe (full circle (part 3)) profile notes that I am likely to have alcohol flush (moments that matter (part 6)) and lactose intolerance, but coeliac disease is not something that is noted in my dashboard, as of yet, but then again, when I initially received my results, it lumped me in as Southeast Asian, a very broad stroke, and has over the years, refined it to Vietnamese, including specific regions, as more data is collected.

While Silvi Coffee Roasters also specializes in quality coffee, it boasts the country's only gluten-free menu focused on quality ingredients, and provides gluten-free products to other local restaurants and hotels. In my experience, not all gluten-free products and restaurants are created equal, and much like vegan options, I struggle to rehaul my diet because of the flavors and quality. However, I enjoyed the savory and sweet flavors and dishes that I experienced in this off-the-beaten-track gem. Yet in the modern day conundrum of business owners, the 'hidden' treasure for those suffering from coeliac disease would unfortunately get lost in the algorithms or meta tags of the savvy internet travelers. Hopefully, this helps shift the algorithm for them.

* * * * *

Update June 13, 2023:

It would seem from the knowledgable locals (e.g., my prior staff) that the country has only blocked international porn sites, and not the ones that are more regional. Rather than ask my old crew, I did a quick search and someone who seems to have a fetish for Vietnamese women, have already captured this (The 5 best Vietnamese porn sites) on My Sexpedition, filed under 'How and Where to Find Sex in Vietnam' and 'How and Where to Find Sex on the Internet'. He does list the international one that seems to be blocked now as number 4, but perhaps it worked in January 2023 and has fallen prey to the censor police.

juxtaposition

Barren vs. Lush

Down by the hot pockets, the stark vastness of the devastation from five years ago is interspersed between the varying flora the Big Island has to offer along Route 137 in bushwhack country where everything is off grid, and rules seem to be lacking. While some roads were built and reconnected over the lava rocks, many remain buried. A few homes have been rebuilt on top of the black canvas, but with infrastructure completely wiped, many lots remain abandoned.

Sporadically, one can see the lucky souls whose homes were spared, oftentimes, barely as lava rocks abut within mere feet of the perimeter of the abode. The eruption lasted the entire summer of 2018 from May to August, impacting the air quality of the island (much like the aftermath of 9/11 (carpe diem and for whom the bell tolls)), forcing many to relocate to the mainland or surrounding islands. Some never returned.

When the lava lake at Halemu'uma'u overflowed onto the floor of the crater in the spring, it was an omen to something happening soon as the pressure continued to increase, until the lake collapsed (pū'iwa), draining the magma underground until it spewed a little above the Lower East Rift Zone, southeast of the island, bringing tens of thousands of earthquakes during that period.

Lava rocks for miles

Parts of the Lower Puna coastline has still yet to recover, taking out over thirty miles of road (including three miles of the Red Road between Pohoiki and Kapoho), ultimately covering almost fourteen square miles of land with many stories deep of lava, and displacing over 2,000 people.

The Big Island is the only one of the Hawaiian islands that has active volcanos. While the other islands are instituting policies to combat erosion (ease-dropping), the volcanic activity in 2018 added almost 900 acres of new land to the island, including the land surrounding the four additional hot ponds at Pohoiki (hot pockets).

The natives consider Mauna Kea (to infinity and beyond) and Mauna Loa (pū'iwa) (and the surrounding areas) sacred land, leaving prayers and ho'okupu (offerings) to Pele, in hopes of tempering her ire. Yet with her destruction comes creation - the circle of life.

violet goddess

In a moment of firsts, I was looking forward to spending Christmas with the eyes of a child with rainbow kaleidoscope glasses, watching the radiant sun, cottony clouds, bluest sky, undulating waves and briskly palm trees turn into the glowing moon, twinkling stars and roaring tides as we walked the shores of Cabo San Lucas. When we saw the notice that the luggage had been searched and the bare vial, our hearts dropped. In an attempt to salvage my wish, he diluted the vial with water for me to empty the contents.

Within minutes, my body was taken through whorls of vibrant purples, magentas and fuchsias of fractals and mandalas by a dark-headed goddess. Those who witnessed my short journey in blast off likened my undulations to be an extended stay of a similar journey. Not understanding where it was taking me, I just wanted it to stop as I was spent.

By today, we realized that what appeared to be barren had only had the alcoholic medium evaporate, and my second experience with the medicine was enough for three. While the goddess guided me through visuals that my eyes and mind had never seen, my muscle-fatigued body was ready to get off her tour, not quite understanding her message.

blast off

The 'God molecule' can be found in numerous plant species and at least one toad species. Trace amounts have also been produced endogenously in humans, perhaps in the pineal and retina. From my recent experience with psychedelics (sweet as sugar), I had some reservations as to the effects on me, especially as the shaman had noted that it is a very individual experience. However, as I interacted with many who came out of the ceremonies over the last couple of days, the one common denominator was the 'positive' vibes and 'no regrets' emanating from everyone.

My goal was to count to 20, but at two, it was as if I was at full throttle, going at light speed through the universe. The moans seemed distant and from pain or release. Yet, I did not feel any negativity. Was it orgasmic or torment? I felt a whisper in my left ear that I could not make out. Eventually the moans stopped, and waves and vibrations took over my body. While I was present in the room, with the music and conversations, my body was paralyzed, other than the constant vibrations radiating throughout.

I had no memories of the universe, God, love, goddess, etc. that others recollected. However, I was told that I laid back, arms spread out, still and with a smile on my face as if I was in bliss. The moans did not come from me, but from the other person sharing space with my experience, and somehow I shared in his journey. While I was not oozing with some ethereal glow from my journey, I also was not disappointed but rather left wondering what the message was for me.

* * * * *

Update December 24, 2019:

It was him who whispered in my left ear with the message of 'I love you', or so he says...

* * * * *

Update February 9, 2019:

Hoping to vary my experiences, so that I would not channel others experience, I tried a solo journey. The medicine was same-same but different, and I had time to lay down gently before traveling at warp speed. While still not having any conscious memories, I maintained the position of bliss. The journey back ventured into waves and vibrations, feeling as if the violet goddess was back as my tour guide. The music made the vibrations ever so potent, resulting in more muscle fatigue.

stepping out

Today is #WorldMentalHealthDay. Some of my favorite YouTube channels are School of Life, Ted Talks and Druglabs, as well as documentaries. It probably was not coincidental that this video, "The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown," popped up on my feed today.

When someone states 'showing up and being present' as part of their intentions (full circle (part 9)), one would think it should be a general default in life. However, in the world of technology, passive aggressiveness, flakiness, etc., the actual declaration as an intention is very powerful and valuable to someone's whose love language is Quality Time.

An experience last night made me realize that while many say 'no expectations', most do not really mean it, and have expectations to the contrary. I initially chuckled when one of the men from pig in mud (part 5) stated 'open to physical connection with no attachment to any particular outcome' as one of his intentions. The sincerity and vulnerability of stating that upfront, as well as other consistent gestures, has made me realize now that it truly came from a place of genuineness and authenticity.

Sulking and attaching guilt or shame comes from a negative space that is wishing someone some form of comeuppance, and truly not being grateful for the moment(s) and shared experience(s). It is also not from a place of vulnerability or honesty. In my quest to build my tribe, I realize the importance of not giving someone squatter's rights in tainting the beauty of moments for me.

In honor of #WorldMentalHealthDay and in the spirits of Christine Blasey Ford and Brené Brown, I chose to be exposed and vulnerable to a community that I know are not all as supportive and non-judgmental as I would wish my tribe to be. However, in sharing code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123) on Facebook, perhaps it can pivot one person's life towards the light of joy.

11:11 (part 10)

Since 9/11, I have made a pact with God and/or the universe that I would try to minimize overanalyzing things and embrace what was put in front of me (cougartown). That has how I have approached this trip to Italy with only a one-way ticket in hand. I was excited to see my 'baby sis' (from another mother and father), whom I have not seen since I repatriated. While I knew she had married an Italian, they are also living in Japan. In a moment of serendipity, they were visiting Italy for their first anniversary around the time I would be in the country.

When we finally connected, it was uncanny to find out that Valdobbiadene was the town they got married in a year before. The place that I had wanted to take them to after lunch (self service) turns out to be the spot that they took many of their wedding photos including one that she has posted as her Facebook profile picture that I had loved, and she reminded me and pointed out the spot which was less than 10 feet from where we were sitting. I happened to be in Vietnam last year during their wedding and had attended the wedding with her family via FaceTime. When she had said that they would meet me in Valdobbiadene, I had no idea that the place was of significance to them.

It was great to be able to finally meet the people who were part of the ceremony and/or behind the phone enabling us to participate. I have never seen her more confident or happy in life. When they asked if I would change my initial flight to spend more time together, I jumped at the opportunity and rolled the dice two hours before takeoff to make it happen. At some point, her husband decided to play matchmaker.

What I had thought was an initial joke as coordination to get a ring I had purchased but was getting resized in Padova turned out to be less so in pimping me out. Yet because I have an aversion to such machinations and to avoid repeating any drama from reclaiming the cunt (part 8), I have to admit to playing a bit ditsy at any attempts to get us alone. Perhaps as admiration for his repeated attempts and/or to give my friend some quality time with her husband before our flights the following day, I agreed to drinks after dinner.

Too many events in my life (the girl with the dragoon tattoo; when it rains, it pours; and 11:11 (part 4)) have occurred for me to believe that anything is coincidental. So when during our chat over Aperol spritz and prosecco, the topic of knowing the future and paths to follow naturally made me think of Sliding Doors. As I asked if he had seen the movie, he noted that he just brought it up in conversation during dinner. I missed it either while trying to pack at the same time or as they were discussing in Italian. While his point at dinner was that our decisions impact the paths our lives take and who we become, like the events of 22, it reminded me of the discussion with Jay, and I viewed it as a sign from my male spirit, taking away any hesitation on how the night would unfold (23 vs. 42).

At the beginning of the trip, one of my friends had messaged me to download Book Club to watch on my trip. I had forgotten about it until I saw it on the menu on my flight home. In one scene, Vivian (Jane Fonda's character) spouting an interpretation of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken," which sometimes, as is in my case, is erroneously referred to as "The Road Less Traveled".

It turns out that Frost wrote the poem facetiously for another poet (Edward Thomas), who oftentimes was indecisive, pondering the path to take in his life, and usually later lamenting that he should have taken the other one in hindsight. Many have interpreted that the road less traveled represents individualism. However, Frost has been known to correct people when they utter anything other than 'road' such as path, since roads are paved and man-made, suggesting that the road is not unique nor individual. Vivian's interpretation, which is supported by comments by Frost, is that both roads are actually the same.

"Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back."

Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken" (excerpt)

Upon looking back, both roads are comparable and equally untravelled, carpeted by newly fallen autumn leaves. Instead the poet has turned an 'impulsive' decision to follow the one that was perceived as less traveled into an intentional decision. While our decisions in life and the events beyond our control shape who we become, our lives unfold through conscious design that come from constructive narratives rather than dramatic actions.

The writer and director of Sliding Doors developed the storyline from a near death experience. As he was late in meeting a friend, he hesitated on running to catch the train or to simply call his friend from a public phone. On impulse, he ran across the street, nearly getting hit by a car. After talking about my brush with death during 9/11, my 'baby sis' shared a story where she almost got clocked by a car as well. We both commiserated on how those moments give us pause and end up shaping us more than we think. Gwyneth Paltrow received a note years later from someone who ran into her the morning of 9/11. Because of the celebrity sighting, the woman did not make the subway train that would have taken her into the World Trade Center at the time of impact.

In the end, we are shaped by our decisions and experiences. We choose how to react to every situation even those out of our control. As Frost notes, even knowing how things unfolded, I am such a different woman than whom I started that I would not want to double back and take another path. This takes me back to my views on Sliding Doors, which is regardless of our decisions, the universe has a way of directing us to become who we are meant to become, even if one road leads us to get there more quickly than the other, where fate and free will collides (22). 

So while my drinking companion, like Thomas, who at times tend to second guess his life decisions  and wanted to know his future as some form of assurance that things will turn out alright, we were both where we should have been at this point in time, regardless of whatever decisions we would or could have made in the past.

squatter's rights

My friends' parents split their time between Rome and Long Island now that they are retired. The father inherited an abandoned apartment in Rome that took years for the government to determine and certify the rightful heir. After putting investing in renovating the place, it is a wonderful place for them as it is conveniently located in the center of Rome within steps of Vatican City.

The apartment was in such disrepair that they had to practically gut everything and move walls and the basic layout. Squatters had used old furniture to burn on the floors of the apartment for heat. It was difficult to imagine what the place looked like prior to their renovation as its high ceilings and vintage shutters made it seem as if the apartment had such character all along.

As I traversed throughout Italy from the South to the North, I was amazed to see so many obviously abandoned homes. I have always loved houses with great bones and character, which explains why I purchased my homes in Houston and San Francisco. While I like certain modern amenities such as upgraded kitchens and bathrooms, it is rare to find high ceilings and the quality wood and materials used in the old days that withstand Mother Nature like earthquakes and hurricanes.

From the outside, I am so curious as to what resides inside these old walls as the external walls has such character that only old European homes have. Similar to California though, Italy has very liberal laws for squatters and renters. In addition, rental income is taxed at 50%. In San Francisco, many landlords may rent but do not invest in upgrade or maintenance of their properties as doing so would also increase property value and the related property taxes that would not be covered by the rental income despite the steep rental fees.

Such policies keep these properties abandoned throughout Italy as owners age and/or move but keep the property in the family rather than renovate to sell. After time, it also becomes fuzzy as to who is the true landowner as was the case with my friends' father.

As I spent more time with my friend during this trip than the entire period over the last 20+ years that I have known him, it occurred to me that like houses, we also require frequent upkeep and maintenance. While he blamed and complained about others and their effect on his confidence, the reality is that he has abandoned himself. He allowed squatters into his home. 

He justifies his negativity by complaining about people criticizing him rather than supporting and providing him advice. While I constantly had to reiterate to him that some of his friends (and family) stopped trying because he would get defensive at any advice they gave, he would try to say the words that someone (I) would want to hear rather than how he actually processed things by continuously noting that he agreed with my observations and was listening and trying to process my advice, but when asked by my 'baby sis' on his life at an attempt to get to know him, his quickly blamed me for all his problems and failures, which he later clarified upon her prompting that he should not care what others think, that everyone says the same thing about him.

At times it seems as if his reality is based on an entirely alternative universe. He oftentimes gets distracted with his phone and walks away social interactions under the guise of business. As we went to his favorite bar one night, he left us for hours as he kept himself busy playing behind the bar. The next day he comments on how it was such a great night hanging out with all my friends and the new friends we made. It left me scratching my head as everyone kept asking where he went all night.

So it came as no surprise when two men who just met him for a few hours at dinner, commented on separate occasions how he comes off as if he is hiding something. One man noted how my friend is either bored or somewhere else in his mind when the man was talking to him as his eyes were vacant to the point that it made the man uncomfortable. The other man also felt as if my friend was hiding something and not trustworthy for the man to invest significant time with him.

While he had other 'friends' coming to visit him while we were in Valdobbiadene, there were many times where I found myself entertaining his friends while he would disappear, again under the guise of business, when I knew otherwise. His alternate universe also had him believing that all his friends were having sex with all his exes as well. Although it should not have surprised me, I was amazed when he told my friends that it was because of him that one of his friends was interested in me in reclaiming the cunt (part 8), when the reality is that it was despite him.

After spending weeks trying to help a 'friend,' it occurred to me that like (wo)man in the mirror, trying to help an owner renovate an abandoned house, when the owner has chosen to abandon it himself and allow squatters to trample all over it, was a complete waste of my time and energy.

* * * * *

One of the bars in town center of Valdobbiadene is Bar Caffè Roma which probably also has the best view of the piazza and people watching festivities. I was shocked to find their restroom taking me into a time warp and for a split second, I was confused as to whether I was back in Southeast Asia. Europe, including Italy, is considered a Western and modern world. It made me wonder how much of Europe, with its old buildings, have not been upgraded and still have squat toilets in its establishments. I ended up walking out as there were no hooks or shelves to keep my personal belongings from sitting on the tiled floor. Truth be told, although it was relatively clean (compared to the ones I have experienced in Southeast Asia) (farmer's tan), I was looking for an excuse to bail as with the prosecco in my belly, it was more likely that I would have tipped over or fallen in. 😳

pimping me out

The French are generally known for being more sexually liberated (lost 'n found), especially in comparison to Americans (reclaiming the cunt (part 3)). However, it would seem as if the Italians may be more open in nudity, sexuality and variations of relationships. In the Amalfi Coast, Gennaro (with new templates...the party continues) disclosed that he never felt the need to have a girlfriend until his mid-30s, when he felt the responsibility as the only son to procreate in order to continue the family lineage. It would seem as if he was not the only one with that mindset.

In their search for happiness, some have even been able to balance family time and individual time (family ties). Although the friend from reclaiming the cunt (part 8) had stated that if he were me, he would not have been so open about my personal life - again his projection of his insecurities and fears of judgment, it did not seem to phase any of the Italians that took part in any of those discussions. In some ways, there was still the typical 'sexist' mindset when some men are practically being touchy and flirty with other women in front of their wives. Yet, in other ways, it was refreshing to not have the feel of 'creepy eyes' boring into you from the slight suggestion of cleavage or skin.

After a few attempts to spend quality time alone, a close family friend who was following on his motorcycle did not continue his way home but rather stopped at the end of the driveway. After my friend's husband went to check on him, his brother then joined in the male huddle after a few minutes. I was not really surprised when they came back in the car and declared that they basically 'pimped me out' in frustration of my perceived cluelessness. The entire exchange was comical as it seemed so archaic yet transparent.

With mild hopes of some sympathy from Luci (thelma & louise (part 2)), I was amused at her reaction after informing her that her sons were pimping me out. In typical Luci fashion, she declared that if I did not 'scopato' (what's in a name?) the family friend, she would. Then, she mused and pimped me out to her single son. Without pause, she postulated that he must be homosexual as like his father, whom she disclosed only wants to do it 3-4 times a week (it was not clear to me if she meant it as the past or present as they are in their 70s), he does not seem to want sex as much. Of course, she had us in tears of laughter.

thelma & louise (part 2)

The matriarch (Luci) of my host family in Meolo is one of eight, of which three are women. Gina, who is the oldest, has two children, whom seem to overpower their spouses. While attending a birthday party for Gina's husband and her son-in-law, her children were energy suckers, overtaking others in their braggadocios, while their spouses mostly remained silent. During the dinner, Gina oftentimes would comment on how the meat or dishes were dry or cold because of our tardiness in arrival.

Luci (middle) and Paola (youngest) are unlike the traditional and passive-aggressive Gina. Even with a relative stranger (me) in their midst, both were unabashed as they spent quality time together sunbathing in their underwear. Both had no qualms as their family members would touch their breasts and jokingly comment about sex and other perceived taboo topics.

As her youngest son noted, what you see is what you get with Luci. She is brazenly honest but has a good heart. She had a few miscarriages before her firstborn, and while a part of her always wanted a daughter, she has opened her heart to her daughter-in-law and even me during the few days I spent with her. It was with wistfulness, and not bitterness, when she relayed her childbearing stories including the names of her sons (and their related female versions with hopes of the child being a girl). In a case of opposites attracting or the ying to her yang, Franco, her husband, is a calm and patient man.

Her motto is to never leave home without either lipstick or heels on. In the case of nature vs. nurture (family ties), her sons have clearly inherited her frivolity in life. After checking out my chipped 3-week manicure, she quickly brought out nail polish remover and hot pink nail polish. After I jokingly asked if she was grooming me to pimp me out to a family friend (pimping me out), she quickly brushed it off and noted that a man is irrelevant, and it is always important to look good for one's self. She patiently sat next to me and supervised my manicure, correcting missed spots or rubbing off polish that got on my skin. As she showed my newly manicured nails to her sons, one of them jocularly noted how it looked like a puttana. Naturally, Luci took it as a compliment and a sign of her youth.

Had I not been told, I would have thought Luci was in her 50s rather than her 70s with her energy, zest for life and openness and intelligence. She was a woman with no judgments and kind heart. As I told many, including one of Gina's children who was a bit shocked as Luci is known as the crazy old woman, I would love to be Luci when I grow older. Hopefully, I resemble much of her already.

jumping through hoops

Since marijuana has become legal for all adults to use in California, the quality has significantly increased, commensurate with the prices of course, as the government has significantly taxed the distribution of such. However, I was surprised to see how common the use of it was even with Americans traveling from the East Coast, where it is not yet legal although the NYC mayor recently instructed the police to stop making arrests for marijuana usage.

Vaping has become more common and has made it a bit more challenging to determine whether someone is vaping tobacco or other products. Flavored cartridges with different strains have also added to the popularity. While in Rome, a taxi driver coyly asked us after realizing that we were Americans, if we had a spare charger for his vape that he could purchase. It could not be purchased in Italy and he had gone for months without being able to use his vape. Luckily, one of my travel companions had the same type and had a spare charger to give him. As she also knew she did not want to risk bringing an extra filler back into the states, he also got the lucky bonus of that as well.

Italy has gone back and forth over the last few decades in regards to legalizing marijuana. The Vatican is on its soil yet it also struggles with the Italian mafia and the questionable quality that may be consumed by its citizens who have obtained such products from these sources. Over the years, marijuana use has gone from illegal to decriminalized.

It was interesting to find out though how many people grew it for their own personal use, taking advantage of a loophole. Due to the obvious smells from growing a cannabis plant indoors, especially in apartment buildings in the North where it is not as warm throughout the year, Italians have gotten creative in their green thumb adventures. Technically, it is illegal to sell marijuana for personal use other than medicinal purposes, but it is not illegal to sell or purchase the seeds or to consume given the decriminalization efforts.

One man told me how he would plant the seeds annually in the countryside on others' properties and periodically check on his plants. He was happy to even provide his recommendations of the best varietal and hybrid seeds. Another laughingly shared how his friend tried to hide the obvious odor from neighbors in his apartment building. One pharmacist, who avoids using synthetic drugs himself, also is a source for his close friends as he is known for also being a cannabis horticulturist.

self service

Up in the hills of Valdobbiadene is an old stone house, nestled in the middle of a vineyard, that serves as an osteria (place that serves wine and simple food). However, other than basics like ingredients and tools for making your own coffee and simple outdoor furniture, there is no person managing or working at the osteria.

Parking at Osteria senz'Oste is ad hoc between the vines. My friend (crushing grapes), who has made annual excursions to Valdobbia-dene for harvesting took us there simply for the amazing views. However, he has always missed the signs leading to the prosecco vending machines. While he knew they existed, as one is located in the vineyards near the parking area, which doubles as parking for a wine tasting room, not affiliated with the osteria, he never loitered long enough to realize that people brought and/or bought items for a beautiful day in the sun and vineyards for a long and lazy aperitivo.

Following the signs takes one through paths up the hill, meandering through the vineyards until one gets to the top of the hill where there are larger vending machines to purchase bottles of different types of prosecco. Another vending machine provides water bottles and simple food that usually is provided with aperitivo. Plastic cups hang from the sides of the vending machines.

While there are picnic tables and benches at the top of the hill near the vending machines, the more intimate setting is below next to the vineyards at the side of the hill with pergolas covered with trailing vines and overhanging bunches of grapes.

We ended up spending an entire afternoon, sharing over seven bottles of prosecco between five people enjoying the company and beautiful atmosphere. We made a number of new friends with many groups sharing snacks, desserts and other bottles of wine, some of which were in unmarked bottles brought from home (moonshine). With overlapping languages with not all speaking any particular language, it became easier to understand each other being under the influence.

After harvesting that day from her family's vineyards, a woman who manages the inventory in the vending machines stopped by to check the stock, and coordinate with my friend on harvesting with her family the rest of the week. In her curiosity on how such a hodgepodge of different people had congregated together, she soon discovered that we represented U.S. (New York, Connecticut, Texas, and California), Vietnam, Japan, France, Switzerland and Italy (Meolo and Venice), with many just meeting each other that day. While some had left a bit earlier, she felt it was worthy of a Facebook post on the osteria's page. These moments with locals and new friends are some of the most amazing  and cherished memories from my travels.

* * * * *

In the land of love, vending machines with various prophylactic sheaths are visible sporadically near town centers. They are even installed in schools in Rome. Safe sex is available 24/7 and most likely attributes to one of the lowest birth rates in Europe. The machines offer many options for every fancy.

Perhaps I am used to the American men who make any excuse to not use protection as it impacts their sensitivity, it was great that Italian men seemed always prepared, even if it was to ask friends for any spares. Rather than take the additional risk of potential breakage with ultra-thins on the market today, I also noticed that there was a tendency to use the thicker latex options.

In some cases, perhaps it was to prolong the experience with his partner. For others, it does cause some challenge in climaxing in the usual way, and other methods are used to finish. One man even joked that it is great for protection from any residual feces during anal. As Monty Python croons 'always look on the bright side of life'.

seeing white (part 2)

As I was heading to an appointment, I decided to try out Nepalese food from a nearby food stand on a whim. A caucasian American couple were in front of me waiting for their order. At one point, he asked me if this was 'your people food'. Yes, I have used that slang amongst my friends when we joke about our diverse ethnicity, but I have not had a stranger state that matter of factly. 

He then asked the woman behind the counter whether she spoke Filipino. I may not be an expert at geography but Nepal and Philippines is over 4,200 kilometers apart. While both may be in Asia, they are on opposite sides of the continent. It may be innocent enough but in today's political environment and the huge divide we have in regards to race relations, being curious and having a penchant to learn and being pejorative are polar opposites. Words matter.

Perhaps my antennae has been raised recently. Similar to seeing white (part 1), the last time I saw the man from living love last week, it surfaced that his friends were primarily white. In one of our earlier conversations, he had noted how diverse his high school was when I had mentioned how I knew some people who used to or currently live in Portland had felt that it was not such a diverse city. I may have assumed it meant he had diversity in his friends group. He also spent 5 years in Austin and has lived in San Francisco for the last 2 years - two cities where a high percentage is represented by Hispanics and Asians.

While his 'reason' was that he 'inherited' these friends, it would imply that he did not make his own friends, whether at work or through his interactions socially. Not only that, but his friends did not either. In his entire group, only two were from other ethnicities and that is because they were dating two 'white women'. I do not know if that makes him racist or his friends racist, but statistically, that would be a very conscious decision by all involved to be so exclusive. 

Part of the reason why I gravitate towards younger men is because generally they have a healthier attitude in regards to women and minorities (man in the mirror). In my discussions with other exes who have similar profiles as him, they also thought it was very odd these days for anyone to surround themselves with just white friends, especially living in multicultural cities. My 'work wife' also noted how she, as an Asian, is very self conscious about appearing to only have Asian friends and also observes whether other Asians have that behavior before she befriends them. She avoids situations like that.

At some point, we either mirror the people we surround ourselves with or they reflect who we are. Who is this man? He seems the complete opposite of the person I met...the curious, open minded one. This one appears to play life safe and prefer to live in his bubble of white elitists. It would also explain why he doesn't seem to be so knowledgeable or have vast experience when it comes to even alternative lifestyles. Does this rationalize his recent cowardly behavior for fear of any ripples in his bubble? Can someone truly be open minded if one does not appear to 'support' those from different walks of life by including them in one's life? Is this akin to Roy Moore's wife who claimed that they couldn't be racist since they had a Jewish lawyer who happens to be a Messianic Jew (e.g., a practicing Christian)?

stone skipping (part 10)

It would seem that despite my initial disappointment (11:11 (part 8)), and with the foresight of my attorney friend who insisted that I put in writing 'sexual harassment,' 'discrimination,' 'retaliation,' 'hostile work environment,' and the length of time since I initially spoke up in my resignation letter to the chairman of the board, they have started to take the investigation seriously and have spoken to at least two of the witnesses, as the ladies have reached out to me in confusion given the evasiveness of those investigating.

One seem to have had physical and emotional reaction after her meeting with the investigators. For the entire afternoon she was numb, wondering what she could have done differently, especially after she noticed my 'out of office' I have retired message on Skype. One of the married men (kissing my boo-boos) had cornered her in the coffee room to ask her about my personal life soon after the incident, as well as on a few other occasions. At the time, she had asked me how well I knew him as she thought it was odd but I did not disclose to her that he had trapped me in a hotel room.

We never discussed it again and as they questioned her, it dawned on her what occurred. In hindsight, she realized that she had seen all the signs based on my body language including shaking hands, but pushed it out of her mind. She was so shaken that she spoke to her partner the next day to take some time off starting this week, and reached out to me to meet for lunch today. For a week she could not shake the guilt. When she met another mutual friend yesterday, they discussed what occurred. The mutual friend asked her a simple question, and as she relayed it, her arms went numb for most of the car ride when she realized that it triggered a sexual assault that she had buried so deep since the age of 16.

She is still processing it but she feels as if she is being called to work for a not-for-profit or somehow get involved in helping women who have encountered sexual assaults/harassments. She was troubled that it took them so long to talk to her. I suggested that we not spend negative energy to get mad about that and can only do our part in doing the right thing (silver fox). As I told her, even if it helps change one life, even if it makes a small ripple, regardless of whether the firm holistically changes the culture and tone at the top, it would have been worth finding my voice and speaking up. She seems to be focusing on finding happiness herself, and I shared my journey in the last few months and my catharsis from unpacking it all. Hopefully, it was enough 'food for thought' for her as she heads to Hawaii to start unpacking hers.

lost 'n found

A few weeks ago, I realized that (and confirmed with) my "work wife" from pig in mud (part 2) had intentionally steered clear of any serious discussions on her current relationship in fears of jinxing it as in her last relationship, whose demise resulted in a lot of eating binges, Korean dramas, sleepless nights and tears. As I was reminding her how it was a good thing that her last relationship did not work out compared to her current partner, I stopped mid-sentence when I realized that my penchant for keeping my relationships "private" (hide 'n seek) was subconsciously for similar reasons.

I ended up finishing up that conversation and advice that I had intended to bestow to her inside my own head. Over the last few months, I am learning to embrace my emotions, rather than the rational mind, choosing instead to sit with my gut/instincts/inner child. To feel ease or dis-ease. In so doing, while nothing tangible actually occurred, something did not sit right with the man from absolution. In the spirit of our pact (the truth shall set you free), each time I communicated and we discussed these thoughts/feelings, no matter how insignificant they may have seem individually. In aggregate though, I knew it was time to call it.

In the end, it was the unspoken truths (the truth shall set you free) straining to be released. He was not my first 16-year age gap, and I would never limit myself to say he's my last. Unlike moments that matter (part 4), he turned out not to be as progressive as Emmanuel Macron. Apparently, he had been uncomfortable if his friends or roommates found out that he was with a "hot older woman" as it would "complicate" his life. While he claims that he was upfront about it, the only thing he actually communicated was that my place would be more convenient in general because I did not have roommates.

The reality is that nobody was judging him except himself. In so doing, he projected that judgment onto me (reclaiming the cunt (part 3)) as somehow rationalizing to himself that his behavior was somehow "normal" and ethical. Macron blames "misogyny" and "traditional, homogenous" views in society for the negative attention they have received for their relationship compared to POTUS and FLOTUS, who have the same age gap.

"If I had been 20 years older than my wife, nobody would have thought for a single second that I couldn’t be [an intimate partner]. It’s because she is 20 years older than me that lots of people say, ‘This [relationship] can’t be tenable, it can’t be possible.' There is a big problem with the presentation of society and [how they see] the place of women."

~ Emmanuel Macron

Despite many speculating that their marriage would be short-lived when they first tied the knot in 2007, Macron refers to his wife, whom he met when he was 15 years-old, as his intellectual soulmate and confidante. He declared that he would govern more effectively if he is happy, which includes having his Brigitte by his side. While it is hopeful to see a man brave enough to live in his authenticity, it is just as cathartic to listen to the inner child and hear her voice again.

full circle (part 5)

Someone with Saturn in Gemini supposedly has communication challenges as a child; however, this also is a person who works hard, and so can become successful in communication as an adult, especially if he/she chooses to face this challenge head on. Such communication challenges could be from speech impediments or feeling as if he/she is not listened to, especially in comparison to siblings. As one person described it, it could also be from an overbearing mother overshadowing and silencing the father, resulting in the person learning from that environment.

I did have a lisp that speech therapy helped address and given my situation with my mother (full circle (part 3)), I never felt that I was heard as a child, especially when my brother would bribe my sister to take his side in things. In a culture that is male dominated, my mother seemed to always blamed my father for her situation (e.g., married at an early age rather than focus on her career) although according to her, her parents had her marry so that they no longer had another mouth to feed. Because my dad was in the military and mechanical in nature while my mother was educated in university, she always made him feel less intelligent.

It was always sad and frustrating for me to see him not stand up for himself when she did that. It is also the reason why I stray away from relationships where either the man wants me to change him and/or someone I view as a doormat and who does not stand up for his own beliefs and decisions. Yet, my dad is the best MacGyver (third time's the charm). He could fix anything even with limited tools and/or parts. We used to have such an old washing machine because he could always fix it and at some point, my mother had to just tell him to stop fixing it so that we could get a more modern one with additional functionalities. 

He also used to buy scrap cars and fix them from scratch, only to then give it away to others, like the Mexicans who worked with him at the auto shop, who could not afford to buy new or even old cars. My mother recently told me how all the old folks at the temple rely on him to fix random things and would bring them in hoping he would be able to be their MacGyver as well. What I love about him is that even if someone did not compliment/appreciate him, he would compliment himself in a passive aggressive way with a twinkle in his eye that just makes one giggle, almost very childlike.

We always had a very unique banter and wit, teasing each other, complete with a dead pan delivery, that made strangers think we did not like each other. My cousin once told me that she thought for years that my dad and I did not like each other because we would almost try to outdo each other in insults of sorts. She clearly missed the gleam in our eyes and smile to each other when we did it. My mother almost always missed it when I was younger, and usually became an unwitting pawn in believing the things we said until I had to clue her in.

However, it took me many decades for me to realize that my father's interaction with my mother was not due to weakness. It was due to love and kindness. He picked his battles. She was usually the disciplinarian and out of my rebellion, I would push her buttons until she brought in my father to step in during my impetuousness (see an eye for an eye). I believe the last "spanking" I received was when as a teenager, I declared at dinner that I would never marry an Asian (I have many reasons for that view at the time), and wallop, I was flying over other chairs and almost hit my head on the fish tank. It wasn't until twenty years later that my mother disclosed to me that my parents had a long discussion after that and agreed that they will have to let go of their views on potential partners for their daughter, as my father's reaction really shook him (them). He has always known how unhappy she has been and his concessions for her views, discipline, etc. was his way of trying to minimize her unhappiness.

One of my biggest hopes is that one day he will get the chance to meet my dad, my first soulmate...the two men I admire and love the most. Both are MacGyvers in their own right.

Happy Father's Day, bô'! Thanks for teaching me the art of kindness.

face of the girl (part 5)

Periodically, there are stories about women who "trick" the men in their lives and get pregnant, primarily to use the baby as a mechanism for the man to stay with her. One of the acquaintances I know during my time in Vietnam just gave birth to a boy this week. She had been living with her boyfriend for over a year; however, they have had a toxic relationship, constantly arguing, when they weren't having sex. He has told friends that he is with her primarily for the sex. She stopped taking her birth control pills without his knowledge, and refused to get an abortion. Although she claimed that she was still on the pill to him and others, her close friends know otherwise.

Men are no less guilty of this. While all men would love to go "in the raw," the responsible ones will always double up even if their partners are covered, to not only prevent pregnancy but also STDs. Most are somewhere in between, but there are those that make a habit of sneakily compromising, tampering with or removing the condom. These men feel "entitled" to go "bareback" without their partners' consents...misogyny at its best. 

Women who experience this phenomenon tend to struggle with the conflict of the violation from something that was "consensual sex". A man in Switzerland was convicted of rape for such behavior. Yet, there are online forums where men "train" other men on best practices, offering support in the pursuit of nonconsensual condom removal during sex.

When this happened to me, I was left wondering if I imagined it as I generally get lost in the moment, which enhances my orgasms as I am generally in another world. I would like to say that it was just with an individual who was casual and just generally disrespectful and/or caught up in the heat of the moment, despite it happening more than once (reclaiming the cunt (part 3)), but it has also happened with someone I considered a very good friend, despite me providing them with condoms each time, clearly my communication that my boundary included condoms.

Each time when I discussed it with the partners afterwards, they rationalized it as it was somehow acceptable behavior because I was the only partner at the time and/or they had been tested. However, disrespecting someone's boundaries quickly makes a situation nonconsensual, and while it may not be the traditional form of rape, it is still rape nonetheless. Stealthing and sperm jacking are incredibly violating. Sperm jacking in the former situation is where both had consented to having unprotected sex, just not to procreation, and is still rooted in deception, regardless of whether the woman is left being a single mother or not. Stealthing though was never consensual to have unprotected sex.

I may have felt "icky" and confused/unease at the time, but now I have the vocabulary to realize that it was rape, unfortunately tainting something that was pleasurable otherwise.

hide 'n seek

With the hopes that herbal remedy would help find my inner child (face of the girl (part 3)), I was beginning to think it either was not going to help or perhaps there was no more residual blockages. With mixed feelings of relief and surprise, I discovered while processing a lucid dream during a session this weekend that somehow I either gravitated or subconsciously created relationships where I was hidden.

As an extension of the learning in the truth shall set you free, one of the things that bothered me about our last interaction was somehow knowing that he was avoiding meeting my friends. His time in my 'hood' have been limited in days and frequency when I did not have pre-scheduled plans that I would invite him along when in town, but in all the years, I have been in his 'hood' and had never been introduced to anyone or had interactions even on social media (11:11 (part 4)).

While I have been in relationships in the past where it made sense to keep them 'secret,' I had never really consciously thought that I, myself, was hidden. I had met family members and friends, including going on vacation with my partner and his best friend. Early in relationships, I enjoy the privacy of letting relationships build organically without the social pressures of the typical relationship escalator with outside parties constantly asking about status of relationships where the only parties that should be concerned are the parties themselves.

However, this pattern may have originated in childhood. Despite being the oldest, my parents, primarily my mother, would minimize my accomplishments, often taking the opportunity to boast about my siblings' achievements. When my parents' friends would ask them where I was going to college, they used to state some random college in NYC, until one of their friends educated them that New York University and Columbia University were top universities in the country, as well as the world. As noted in code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123) and a minority of minorities, it was easy for my parents to be proud of children who followed the path that they wanted rather than being what they viewed as 'rebellious' so my achievements and my life were 'hidden' as some family shame. 

During my periods of working on 'getting comfortable in my skin' (reclaiming the cunt (part 2) and unanswered prayers), I hid my body behind clothes that didn't fully fit. As noted in at your service, the girl with the dragon tattoo and trifecta, I had/have a tendency to prefer anonymity or be behind the scenes. In some cases, it afforded me the opportunity to be free in my activities without societal judgments or pressures, similar to being private with my dates. It is a bit of dichotomy as I am an open book when discussing things, but in trying to protect my dates from pre-conceived judgments of others, I usually would talk about them by nicknames rather than actual names so that people do not readily connect them if and when they do meet. 

In the lucid dream, 'he' made it very clear that he is proud of us and wanted to be out but was only 'respecting' what he thought was my wishes to be 'hidden'. As part of our pact to be honest, I recently communicated to the man from the truth shall set you free and absolution that I felt 'off' about something. He suggested that we should change things up for a bit. Of course my response would be why I would refuse to do something that is fun...however, because our lives are busy, the times that we have been able to connect have been late at night. In so doing, we are inherently keeping things private and in that way, I can see how my behavior may be perceived as wanting to be 'hidden' even when the other party suggests otherwise. There is a balance between privacy, 'alone time together' and perceptions/behaviors that I may be enabling despite intentions. This would be a template I need to consciously decouple. 

It would seem as if the inner child wants to be found and SEEN.

stone skipping (part 8)

If you ever have any doubts of who you are, see yourself through the eyes of others. Last weekend, I found it fascinating to watch my cousin as she emphatically profiled me to her girlfriend. Some of the "facts" I laughingly challenge are not actual facts, but she would have none of it. 

She had sacrificed much of her life for her family. She was not the eldest daughter but was the one that was responsible and felt the Asian guilt to provide for her parents (and extended family). However, her mother had spent her entire life enabling her husband to "mooch" off of her, as well as enabling her sons to do the same. Despite all that her youngest daughter was doing for her, she constantly prioritized her sons, including guilting her daughter to pay her sons' debts and provide for their livelihood.

In many ways, my aunt treats her daughter like my maternal grandmother treats my mother (full circle (part 3)), but exponentially worse. Her mother's treatment of her resulted in all her siblings (as well as her parents' extended family) taking advantage of her in the same way - generations enabling other generations to repeat the cycle (stone skipping (part 7)). My cousin repressed many of her desires and feelings, and it did not take long for me to realize when I first moved to New York City and started hanging out with her that alcohol was the only time she dropped her inhibitions. 

Over the years, despite her denials even to herself, she eventually came out of the closet, probably only to her and me for many years, before she felt comfortable a couple of years ago to do so on social media. Although the rest of her family appear accepting, her parents have been unfriendly to her girlfriend although her parents are living at my cousin's apartment. When she thought about looking for a new place to include her girlfriend as well as her parents, her mother told her to give her current apartment to one of her brothers, as if it belonged to her mother to give away, and stated that her parents would continue to stay there rather than share a roof with her girlfriend.

That was the moment that she fully realized how much her parents took advantage of her rather than appreciate her, as I had been pointing out to her for years. While it was painful to watch her allowing others to use her and for her to stay hidden in the closet, it has been equally a blessing to watch her blossoming now that she is coming into her own and finally standing up for herself and chasing her happiness. 

[On a related but separate note, it was equally pleasurable when discussing her situation with her mother, my dad had initially agreed to talk to his sister. Asian men generally do not get involved in family matters, even less so when it relates to homosexuality. My father's gesture was much appreciated by my cousin for the intent itself, and was a moment of pride to see his acceptance of homosexuality as well as changing the template for parents to take advantage of daughters.]

I may have pushed her to truly love her "self" and to take her power back and planted seeds to her and to her friend (now girlfriend) when I first met her friend for them to get together, but her finding her "self" and her happiness was all her doing and a testament to her inner strength. 

She spent years trying to convince me that I was wrong about her and her situation as part of her denial, so it was surprising to see her passionately relay to her girlfriend how I push people to embrace their true selves, regardless of who that may be. She was the second person that weekend who said I should be a therapist (face of the girl (part 1) and reclaiming the cunt (part 3)).

I am so happy that she has found her "special" as she calls her soulmate.

face of the girl (part 4)

Unlike the Middle East (face of the girl (part 1)), not all cultures and/or religions value virginity, and in some instances, this changes over the generations. In modern day Japan, there seems to be a trend to find potential wives who come with a bit of experience. This becomes a challenge for women who tend to live at home with their parents until marriage, resulting in more unmarried women in their 30s. This is also coupled with sekkusu shinai shokogun (celibacy syndrome) as many are losing interest in conventional relationships, and/or sex altogether.

Japan has one of the lowest birth rates, with its population projected to reduce by a third by 2060. Recent studies show that a third of 30s and under have never dated. Of the 16 to 24 year olds, over 25% of men and approximately 45% of women were not interested in or despised sex while over 60% and almost 50% of unmarried men and women, respectively, between 18 to 34 were not in any type of romantic relationship. Rumors exist that there are deflowering services for a woman in her 30s looking to increase her marketability in the marriage department.

In ancient Khmer society (Thai and Indian cultures also), priests representing Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist teachings performed rituals to deflower pre-pubescent girls. The bodily fluids were considered potent and were rubbed on the foreheads of family and friends. Virginity was not necessarily valued in Hindu/Indian societies, where it is believed that a virgin could never attain enlightenment, resulting in some post-mortem deflowering.

Ratus Nonaboki (vaginal spa) in Bali

In tantric practices, the yoni massage was a spiritual treatment in India and China to release blockages and negative trauma/emotions. It increases circulation and hormones and creates a healthy balance against many health-related problems. At birth, it is believed that a woman's yoni contains positive, pleasurable cells that may be disconnected from the body due to trauma, belief systems, and other negative energy.

The first time I received a yoni massage was in Singapore. In the US, many advertise it as some trendy buzzword; however, they are usually different forms of sensual massages rather than any particular tantric technique. Women would go to "trained physicians" to get manual stimulations to "produce healing paroxysms" as temporary cures to hysteria (face of the girl (part 2)). It is more common for men to find lingam massages than for women to find yoni massages. However, in the last few years, searches of such are coming up with more hits in major cities.

While it is still a very anonymous, private activity, certain women are more relaxed even with random masseuses/masseurs as they can minimize their anxieties of feeling as if they either have to reciprocate or being "judged" by someone they know (causing many to fake orgasms). Her Private Pleasures and Temple of Bliss have many anonymous testimonials from women, some who have only receive release during such sessions.

Doctor M has even been featured in a few articles. From the initial contact to the initial meeting in a public place, he was so mysterious that it clearly tempted my Sag moon. He was very professional and clearly used to interacting with women who are skittish to these types of experiences, based on his communication and instructions. I found it cute and comical. While I usually give my partners heads up on my "convulsions," my wicked side decided to be just as mysterious.

Doctor M does not claim to perform his sensual massages under any tantric techniques, so whether he knows of the kundalini awakening or not, he apparently witnessed it for the first time, and had to ask whether he needed to be alarmed at the ongoing full body spasms, even when not touched. He tried different "calming" touches to try to quiet her, which in some cases only energized her more. It was well past our session time when he finally resorted to asking how to stop the awakened beast - wrapping her up in a towel and closing the window from any movement of air (basically, stifling any flow of energy), despite feeling very energized afterwards.