shoshin

After her death (heart beats), her parents had gifted me her stash, mostly consisting of spacer beads, tassels and cord/thread. I had planned on making her parents malas for their ceremony the following spring to spread her ashes with her grandparents, but despite initially watching a number of YouTube videos to learn the art of making malas and purchasing beads with their favorite colors, I couldn't get inspired and so the deliveries remained in their unpacked boxes, much like the lingerie purchases from Agent Provocateur (synchronicity (part 3)). 

Although I had enjoyed tapping into my creativity in designing the malas, it was a part of a process to closing a chapter (resfeber), with not a lot of thought into the gemstones other than the favorite colors of the recipient(s). As I started learning the various meanings behind the number 108, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole that inspired me to truly channel my creativity ... and love.

Source: www.gaia.com

While some argue that malas have been appropriated in Western culture as chic fashion statements, many who use it in spiritual practice welcome the inclusivity, encouraging others to establish an intent or motivation, even if it is the joy that the mala brings to the wearer. My research led me to more natural elements, which are usually seen in malas used by monks, and/or gemstones sourced in parts of Asia.

The momentum of synchronicity (part 3) made it easy to stay in joy as careful thought was put into the types of materials and their sourcing, and the related meaning and intent of each. Similar to synchronicity (part 2), I felt the energy shift, and although it was accompanied with an excuse, I am continuing to practice being aligned with my self (stone skipping (part 13)). Rather than dwell on it, I knew there was a part of the story that I did not have clarity on that was not a reflection of me (a remnant of supernova and  synchronicity (part 2), right down to the ghosting) and how I was showing up, and promised to complete my labor of love, only sitting before it when I was filled with positive energy and love.

Knowing that the excuse did not tell the whole story, one of my last communications was 'follow your bliss', feeling what the polyamorists call 'compersion' (spiritual masters) and what the Dutch call 'gunnen'. Recruiting a friend in London to confirm a work address led to a few dead ends. While he was having fun chasing down a 'ghost' for my 'surprise' adventure, I was starting to feel uneasy letting him and his assistant continue their detective work, not wanting to uncover anything that should be told to me by the source himself.

I made the choice to ruin my own surprise, and the initial terse response confirmed the messages that my Higher Self had shown me through Archangel Guidance. After meditating, I knew I needed to complete the passion project as I sat in front of it. After two separate stints of explaining the 'dead ends' with the air of a caged animal, I realized that none of it mattered as it didn't explain what my heart was looking for ... the energy shift. 

"17. Defenses are the plans you undertake to make against the truth. Their aim is to select what you approve, and disregard what you consider incompatible with your beliefs of reality. Yet what remains is meaningless indeed. For it is your reality that is the 'threat' which your defenses would attack, obscure, and take apart and crucify."

 ~ ACIM - Lesson 135 

"2. ... You make what you defend against, and by your own defense against it is it real and inescapable...

3. It seems to be the enemy without that you attack. Yet your defense sets up an enemy within; an alien thought at war with you, depriving you of peace, splitting your mind into two camps which seem wholly irreconcilable. For love now has an 'enemy,' an opposite; and fear, the alien, now needs your defense against the threat of what you really are."

~ ACIM - Lesson 170

I was slightly surprised that my reaction was to ruin my own surprise over uncovering truths, given my penchant to find answers, especially when one's behavior does not align with my past interactions with them. Perhaps it was my maturity and/or my growth from past experiences (full circle (part 1), calming the mind and synchronicity (part 2)) that I know that patience tends to provide the answers that I (or they) need to heal (moments that matter (part 2), the truth shall set you free, standing taller, and synchronicity (part 2)), and obsessively searching for answers only added negative vibrations to attracting more of those experiences for me.

I know that there are many parts of what I saw that I love (synchronicity (part 3)), including his stories of how he tries to treat others with kindness (blossoming), yet the reflection that was mirrored back made me realize that I still had work to do if I was still attracting unkindness to myself. I had compassion for myself and allowed me a moment to feel the sadness and frustration at the reflection, recognizing that this may also be a delayed vibration, giving me an opportunity to react differently (saudade (part 4)).

It is beautiful in its simplicity. Looking at it warms my heart - my most thoughtful creation and gift to date. With the symbolisms of Tibetan and Buddhist numbers and numerology of the masculine and feminine coupled with the intents and healing auras and aromas of Rudraksha, dark red rosewood, dragon bloodwood red agathis alba, orange sandalwood, Australian sandalwood, thuja sutchuenensis, and rose quartz, cleansed and powered by the light of the Sun and the Pink Full Moon (supported by my spirit animal, dragonfly), infused with the vibrations of 1111 Hz handpan sounds by Malte Marten and chants of Ohm with each knot, and protected by the red sandalwood dragon guru (year of the wood dragon) and Ohm imprinted markers, the mala is a creation of pure love and kindness, embodying my belief in the magic that exists in the partnership created in the mind of a little girl in surprising inspiration. 

Much like in triggering, as I was putting the finishing touches at the mouth of the dragon, my body experienced a knowing - a déja vu, recalling a faint dream that made no sense at the time as the colors and lines vividly completed the vision, resulting in a Duchenne smile emanating from my face, as I gently touched the dragon to bless it with love and kindness.

Knowing my penchant for silliness and surprises, my friend across the pond readily jumped at a Friday mystery. Of course, after I had aborted his plans for the detective work to continue in the following week, his curiosity further stoked by the numerous 'dead ends', I knew I owed him a story as he was at his local pub having a few stiff ones for us.

"That's awesome - send it to him regardless. No regrets! He'd be so lucky! X (kiss)

And hey - the worst thing that happened was that you had a bit of an adventure and you got to say hi to me after all these years! Say hi to the Bergners from me! Such great memories"

And like my knowing that it was the right thing to do to send my friend's octopus mala (heart beats) back to her family for not only her ceremony but for as long as her mother needed to hold onto her daughter's last uncompleted creation, I knew that the dragon mala only had one home.

"1. No one can give what he has not received. To give a thing requires first you have it in your own possession. Here the laws of Heaven and the world agree. But here they also separate. The world believes that to possess a thing, it must be kept. Salvation teaches otherwise. To give is how to recognize you have received. It is the proof that what you have is yours.

2. You understand that you are healed when you give healing. You accept forgiveness as accomplished in yourself when you forgive. You recognize your brother as yourself, and thus do you perceive that you are whole. There is no miracle you cannot give, for all are given you. Receive them now by opening the storehouse of your mind where they are laid, and giving them away."

~ACIM - Lesson 108

* * * * *

Update May 6, 2024:

The last remaining materials arrived from Asia today. As this was for his travels, primarily for business, the intentions and symbolisms behind the hand mala (with thuja sutchuenensis, red agate, Indonesian agathis alba kingwood, tiger eye, Mexican golden rosewood, moonstone, rose quartz and weathered Bodhi seed) were centered around financial success, courage, confidence, mental acuity (including calmness and health, such as improvements in sleep, digestion and jet lag) and protection. The white lotus guru represents growth and power ... pushing up through the muddy waters to emerge beautifully above the surface.

Ironically, a friend is currently visiting Switzerland with his Japanese girlfriend. They have been in a long-distance relationship for over a year, often taking opportunities to meet each other somewhere in between and explore foreign lands. One of his recent stories looked similar to Lakes Brienz and Lungern in CLoY (saudade (part 1)), a reminder of how paths can cross without connection until we're vibrationally matched, a similar theme from Sliding Doors (22), delayed by a missed train (heart beats).

"Sometimes the wrong train takes you to the right station."

~ Indian proverb

Coupled with the déja vu from above, the completion of the hand mala at 11:11 pm were cues that I was at least headed towards the right station. It will feel much lighter when I put this in the post tomorrow.

"By grace I live. By grace I am released.
By grace I give. By grace I will release."

~ ACIM - Lesson 169

resfeber

The Sagittarius moon has always infused me with a wanderlust bug. Whether for work or personal, the preparation before a trip is second nature to me, packing right before transportation to the airport, arriving minutes (if not, seconds) before they shut down check-in - rushing but not stressing over potentially missing any flight ... 'there's always another' seems to be my motto (100 days). It is not often that I experience resfeber. 

Art by Carl Paoli

Art by Carl Paoli

CoVID had put a pause on my plans for the next chapter that now appears to be meant to be left unwritten (laying on of hands and synchronicity (part 3)). baby girl was the first time I truly felt the calling to be more grounded (saudade (part 2)). As I focused on being the best puppy mom that I could be over the last months, something unexpected occurred. Akin to a months-long meditative state, I experienced the love and loyalty developed between mistress and pup. A residual connection from the aftermath of synchronicity (part 2) seemed a possibility of laying on of hands on paper that did not translate as well, missing a connection that seemed force. Dabbling in Hinge, even with more purposeful intentions, reiterated the disconnect. Perhaps it was the email noting that the one that I felt most connected was removed for fraudulent activity. 

The universe was clearly guiding me elsewhere, some expected and some unexpected (synchronicity (part 3)). Since close, it's been exciting to channel creativity, bouncing ideas off of each other, as a community taking part in making a clean canvas a loving home, full of colors and vibrancy. A stranger from Instagram who had previously gifted me with some of his creations was kind to share more of his gifts that he felt had more depth for the space, dropping off a tube of varying art pieces in the mail with the destination of Cary, becoming my first package.

A commitment I had made in honor of heart beats had my procrastination kick in for months, despite watching numerous YouTube videos and investing in varying gemstones. As I sat before the colorful gems and bead design board, I knew completing this task was the close of a chapter that I would never re-read again. It was far from perfect - with some knots that had me practice the art of 'letting go' and 'patience' in the creation itself. In the imperfection is love and intention, and because of the heart in it, it became perfection.

"The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away."

~ Pablo Picasso

While Picasso donated almost a thousand works of art to a museum in Barcelona, he had created almost 50,000 pieces during his lifetime. However, Vincent van Gogh, speculated to have only sold one of his pieces, had given away the rest, mostly to pay for room, board and supplies. The chi flowing through the now-empty rooms in Cary, designated with visioning boards, has inspired others to want to paint an original for the space and/or dust off the cobwebs of earlier creations looking for a new home to be loved.

"This is a world that is based on vibrations. And that's confusing to many of our human physical darling friends because you have become so good at interpreting vibrations that you don't even know you're doing it. You interpret vibrations with your eyes so you see. You interpret vibrations with your ears so you hear. You interpret vibrations with your nose so you smell, with your fingers so you feel, with your tongue so you taste. You are veritable vibrational interpreters. 

And the most significant, we're not kidding you, more important even than sight or sound...the most significant translating that you do is with your solar plexus. It's your energy center. It's your emotional center. The emotions that you feel are giving you feedback on your vibrational countenance and that's a very important thing to be aware of because your vibrational countenance equals your point of attraction, and your point of attractions equals your life. It equals every moment of your life. The mix of vibrations within you is what life is."

~ Abraham Hicks

I have been shown the importance of vibrations from my 5-MEO-DMT (blast off), LSD (violet goddess) and QHHT (leap of faith) experiences. Rather than showing me any past or future lives, my Higher Self only showed my energy and vibrations, a reminder of where we start and end.

Since synchronicity (part 3), I have had this stirring in my belly. Kundalini awakening? Excitement of curating community and home? Tapping into creative outlets? Alignment with a life-long manifestation (self-love)? A mixture of all the above and then some? All I know is that it feels so good. I catch myself with a smile on my face for no specific reason. I'm beginning to see that the love that I had been seeking my whole life is here. Perhaps it has always been here but the walls I erected prevented me from 'feeling' it. 

My life purpose was not only to "experience" (synchronicity (part 2)) nor was it to "embody love" - rather it was to be love, and give it away, thereby being loved in return.

"as she let go of adventures
not meant for her, 

she was brought new ones
aligned with her magic."

~ spirit daughter 

twilight

I have always appreciated the beauty in sunrises and sunsets (a taste of heaven and puffs of cotton). But it wasn't until the time that I have spent in Hawaii over the last year (to infinity and beyond) that I started to explore the magic in the Sun's crepuscular rays. During my month in Oahu last spring, we would try to catch sunset everyday at the Maunalua Bay Beach during our evening walks with Pele.

Canggu, Bali

While in Hilo on the Big Island, the sunrises (11:11 (part 13)) beaming through my bedroom's sliding door served as the rooster's crow to greet the day. But in Kona, it seemed a ritual for many, whether floating on surfboards, lounging in sand or standing cliffside, it was a siren song that bewitched locals and tourists alike to watch in silence and awe as the hues dynamically displayed its vastness across the horizon. Sometimes, one would even get a glimpse of dolphins and whales frolicking in the distance or a sea turtle basking on the rocks.

No matter how the day unfolded, we never regretted packing up the car to chase the sunset in Kona. With the feet grounded in sand and skin absorbing the ions of the salt in the air and ocean, the experiences were always calming to the senses and provided a reset to the energy. Some of our best self-facilitated therapy sessions occurred after we returned from sunsets.

Gili Trawangan, Bali

Yet, it isn't often that one can find a location, other than high above in the mountains where both sunrises and sunsets grace the sky like puffs of cotton or to infinity and beyond. While in Bali, it seemed as if we could catch one or the other but not both, until we got to Gili Trawangan Island where we could rent bicycles to explore the other side of the island. Meeting a group of aerialists while in Ubud had me stumbling into my first aerial yoga class during sunset at the aptly named, Sunset Beach Yoga.

Sanur, Bali

With almost a month this time around, I was able to explore more of the beauty of the Balinese culture and people since eat, pray, love. Snorkeling in the Gilis while on a local concoction of magic mushrooms allowed our eyes to see the vivid colors fauna and creatures of the ocean. Like last time though, I was mistaken for a local Balinese a few times, affording me the opportunity to enjoy the benefits of being a local as well. I was happy that our last night was at the tip of Bali, one of the few places to enjoy both sunrises and sunsets, and as I flew out the following evening, I was blessed with my final sunset on Bali from the porthole of the plane as we were taking off.

* * * * *

I have paddle boarded a number of times in my life, primarily in the calm waters of lakes like Lake Tahoe or bays. With no daylight savings time, sunrise was a little after 5 AM, requiring a meet up time of 4:30 AM. So a sunrise paddle boarding excursion in the ocean was less than ideal for this night owl. But in the wee hours with the moon lighting my way, the East Vietnam Sea off the coast of Hoi An was as calm as lake waters. I went out further than I had planned, being lured towards the Cu Lao Cham Island, in the direction of the rising sun. We were not alone out in the expanse of the ocean, with the local fishermen rowing their basket boats out to check their nets, with one elated to share news of the few crabs that landed in his net that morning.

Perhaps because of the atmosphere that day, the sunrise was full of red, yellows and oranges, even before and after its peak at 5:19 AM. The brisk sea air, the undulations of the ocean, the hues in the horizon, and the titillating energy all around took me back (or forward) to the breathtaking minutes at a taste of heaven. I lost all track of time and awareness of anything else around me. It was perhaps the visuals that could have corresponded with the vibrations and energy I felt during my 5-MeO-DMT journeys (blast off).

It took me awhile to finally hear the sounds of my paddle board companions as they were calling out to me to not go out much further. We stayed out there for another hour or so, connecting with strangers (with one being a marine biologist) and discussing the miracles of life that humans have not acquired the knowledge to explain ... quantum physics, space-time continuum of a block universe (in the NOW) ... and in the end, we all agreed that we would choose to believe in magic and miracles.

As we got back to shore, there was so much activity, with some enjoying the beach for recreation and sport before the heat of the day became scorching and unbearable. It would seem as my friends were accurate when they said that the locals enjoy the beach and town before 8 AM and after 5 PM. According to them, the only people you see on the beach in between are the foreign tourists.

Hoi An happens to be one of those spots where one can catch sunrises and sunsets because of its topography. On the bridge in Old Town, without the obstructions of buildings or mountains, the locals gather before dusk to bid adieu to the brightest star in our skies.

* * * * *

While I knew that the lack of sun in recent decades has resulted in many illnesses and diseases, I have since learned of the benefits of the crepuscular rays to our bodies. At the low horizon, the sun's spectrum of light travels through more of the atmosphere, creating alternating bands of light with the highest contrast of blue and yellow lights. This contrast stimulates the photosensitive cells in the eyes, which in turn, is important to eye health and effects the hypothalamus pituitary parts of the brain, regulating not only the body's circadian rhythm but also hormones, impacting everything from metabolism to nervous system. Adjusting to the sunrise, sunset, Earth's vibrations and meal times of a location is one way to combat jet lag.

So not only are sunrises and sunsets music to our souls, they are driving forces to our bodies and health. Therein lies another magic and miracle of the universe. 

heart beats

Traveling again, especially to less developed countries, makes COVID seem like an episode of the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror. While some still wear masks, most are doing so to protect from the smog and pollution, especially when the primary mode of transportation is motorbikes. While many in my circle, including myself, contracted COVID, with some, as many as four+ times, luckily, none passed away from it.

But what will never fully be quantified will be the deaths that occurred because of COVID's impact in the world, from logistics/economy (e.g., overtaxed medical system, inability to get food and resources to those in need due to transportation and/or financial constraints) to mental health (e.g., depression, broken relationships, stress). The huge demand for emotional support animals also resulted in the unfortunate abandonment of such furry friends when life adjusted to a new normal, ranging from an increase of 25% in places like England to 50% in India. 

At the same time, in a country where animals were generally kept for functional purposes (e.g., security or rodent management), I was surprised and elated to see how pets are now being treated in Vietnam, with a significant increase in pet clinics/veterinarians, groomers, boarders, and even cat cafes for people to pay to spend time with the kitties. Walking past a Vietnamese man sitting on a little stool at a local street cafe cuddling and talking to his canine pal made my heart smile. Of course, the experience made me think of baby girl, followed by the excitement of the imminent adoption of her kin.

While I had wished I had captured the loving scene for my IG stories (a new way to catalog my travels), I was happy to just be present. Seeing an IG message from an old high school friend, who had shared that she had been enjoying my travel 'stories', I was saddened to hear the passing of my prom 'date' the day before. He had died of a heart attack in his sleep. He marks the third man in my circle and age group, with the other two being college classmates, who have been victims of the leading cause of deaths in the US since the start of the pandemic. Another close friend who was a surrogate father at a point in my life also succumbed to the disease; however, he was older and had a history battling the disease.

Unlike with the 'surrogate father', there was no warning, and perhaps with the stresses of the pandemic, it became the silent killer that we can't prepare for. When I had gotten word that Jay (22 and 11:11 (part 10)) passed right before Christmas 2020, intermixed with the initial shock was a smile and a knowing that Jay had beat us all in accomplishing his life's dream, that kept us up late at night for hours just connecting and talking about all the complexities of life. I knew that where I may have missed my initial train (11:11 (part 10)), Jay made his. I still feel Jay with me at times, as recently as saudade (part 6).

I knew that most news happen in Facebook, so upon hearing the news about my prom 'date', I temporarily reinstated Facebook, something I had deleted since the pandemic, to find that the news of his passing had not made it there yet. However, it was with a happy yet saudade heart that I soon discovered that he recently got married in December 2022. We weren't really in contact since high school, as I left a lot of that trauma behind for me. But when I had joined Facebook in late 2008, he found me and had messaged me to see how I was doing. We must have kept in touch sporadically after that as I have his contact information. In looking at our Facebook messenger chat, the next and last time we had contact was before the pandemic, when I had sent him a YouTube video on 'Twin Flames/Soulmates/Divine Partners - Searching For Answers', it must have been in response to a post he had as my intro was 'this may help you'.

As with Jay, I knew Steven had finally realized his dream. Much like Helen in Sliding Doors, he met his boo. He had struggled so long to come out of the closet and find 'home'. It seems fitting that it is also Pride Month, which although there still isn't a parade in Ho Chi Minh City to commemorate it, there are more visible signs including companies supporting and sponsoring activities around the city. It brings me such peace to know that for all of these men in my life, they were surrounded by love when their hearts stopped beating.

* * * * *

Update August 20, 2023:

At the age of 33, her heart also stopped in the middle of the night. As a pre-teen, she was diagnosed with long QT syndrome that caused her parents to pull her out of soccer which she loved. As an adult, she made the decision to live life and not let the condition debilitate her. Skydiving for her was not only defying gravity but also her genetic predisposition. She forgave easily and loved fully. Her family gifted me her last creation that had a special meaning to her, from the careful curation of the gemstones for their meaning and her favorite colors to her spirit animal that contain three hearts and nine brains, one in each tentacle and the biggest brain-to-body ratio of the invertebrates, making it one of the most intelligent marine species.

My Octopus Teacher brought us into their worlds, showing us the ability for these colorful creatures to form relationships with humans. While known to be solitary creatures, scientists are recently discovering the complexity of their ability to form relationships among themselves, utilizing colors to communicate, and with other species. In one experiment, four octopi were given MDMA, and despite serotonin transporters nearly identical to humans, scientists had hypothesized that its lack of the parts of the brain that results in behavioral changes from drug use would override, negating any impacts. They were surprised to see that the octopi were all cuddly.

This behavior has usually only been observed during mating, which marks the beginning of senescence and their eventual deaths. The female spends over six months guarding her thousands of eggs, unable to catch prey to nourish herself, slowing starving herself and with her last breath, uses her siphon to blow the hatchlings into their new world.

In her own way, Jessica left those she loved with parts of herself that will guide them to their new 'world'. I finished her special mala today before her memorial service. After cleansing and charging the energy in the moonlight, I set the intention of the mala to live fully and love wholeheartedly. While already on the journey of carpe diem and 11:11 (part 4), I know along with Jay, Jess will guide me towards the remainder of my journey.

spiritual masters

When I reflect upon the (wo)man in mirror, I am reminded of the many spiritual masters who have graced this planet and left tools for us to work through our individual journeys to a world of love. They all share the same message, just in different ways that hopefully will resonate with different people. In each of us is the Holy Spirit (our Higher Selves) that guides us, yet we have ancestral DNA and/or childhood traumas that put up barriers to us trusting ourselves.

When I started on the path of exploration of connecting with my body (face of the girl (part 2) and YUMmy), it did not come from a place of love but from a place of resentment and rebellion with a touch of the Italian chin flick to say 'I don't care'. In line with the Law of Cause and Effect, this brought on a lot of learnings that didn't necessarily come up in the most healthy ways but in searching for tools to process what bubbled up, the universe guided me towards a journey of spiritual awakening that finally had me tap into deeper learnings from early sources in my life like A Conversation with God (to err is human, to forgive, divine) or the Christian Bible that at the time, certain parts did not make a lot of sense.

"Spirituality is the path of the heart. It is the path of using the mind in a loving way. But in order to do this, we must discipline ourselves to do so because the world view, the mental filter, that dominates the planet is not a mental filter based on love. It is a mental filter that is based on fear. And so, '[A] Course in Miracles' [("ACIM")] tells us that even though we were born with the natural tendency to give and to receive love from a very early age, we are taught a world view that is not based on love and proactively, repudiates and resists love. As a consequence, [ACIM] says by the time we are pretty early age, that which is natural thinking actually feels unnatural to us. And that which is unnatural feels natural. so that we instinctively at this point go from the wrong-minded perception. We are instinctively lured and tempted towards the anger, towards the toughness, towards the separation, towards the attack and towards the defense. The spiritual journey is a dismantling of the thought system that dominates the world. [ACIM] says enlightenment is not a learning. It is an unlearning. It is an unlearning of perspective of fear and substituting instead the perspective of love, which is God's perspective, which is natural to who we are."

~ Marianne Williamson - How To Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

With that also came a number of people coming in and out of my orbit on their own spiritual journey. Yet similar to the sex positive community, I have discovered a lot of people who have used spirituality as a way to manipulate others and/or to self-declare that they are enlightened beings as if it is some special badge. Having fallen into the lure and sense of belonging that organized religion provides and the subsequent detrimental judgement and outcasting that brings on isolation and detachment, I have luckily been able to 'feel' those situations and not get too enmeshed. With the current political environment all over the world, the psychology behind cults have taken center stage with many saying that the followers have been brainwashed, implying that people can't think for themselves.

"The Secret" movie was created to share a universal law that isn't so secret and can even be found in ancient texts, including Matthew 21:22, to the masses. In what appears to be someone's moment of sales/get/scarcity mentality (looking out for self) rather than service/give/abundance mentality (looking out for others), Abraham Hicks was asked to give up their intellectual property or be removed from the production. Although contractually, they had a viable suit, they decided to walk the path of least resistance with the guidance from Abraham that says "Whenever you are given an ultimatum that says, 'if you don't do this, then we will have to do such and such,' it is best that you just let it go and move on. Otherwise, there is always another, and this, and this, and this?" Unfortunately, the critical moments that were scrapped also provided the context in utilizing Law of Attraction from a place of service rather than self, leaving "The Secret" to feel a lot about manifesting material attachments. Ironically, "The Secret" talks about knowledge being surpressed; however, by removing Abraham Hicks, they have further suppressed the "secret" by 'dumbing down' the guidance without the spiritual context.

In both the sex positive and spiritual communities, I have witnessed how words like 'consent', 'compersion', 'law of attraction', 'manifestation', 'nonviolent communications', 'high vibrational people', etc. have been used in vain and becomes back-handed judgements to further isolate people (into fear) rather than support a sense of belonging (into love). If someone doesn't have money flowing towards them, it is perceived as the person having a lot of blockages and therefore, unable to manifest money. Yet in the spirit of the Law of Attraction, manifesting for the ego is the antithesis to coming from a place of love.

"Language is a leader's charisma. It's what empowers them to create a mini universe - a system of values and truths - and then compel their followers to heed its rules...Without language, there are no 'cults'...But with a glimmer of willingness, language can do so much to squash independent thinking, obscure truths, encourage confirmation bias, and emotionally charge experiences such that no other way of life seems possible."

~ Amanda Montell (Daily Beast, June 27, 2021) 

While there isn't an overarching leader, the New Age movement that has people migrating to Tulum, Bali or Hawaii has quite the cult following, including various sects with defined leaders like The Miracle School where leaders have been accused of abusing their power and manipulating followers for perverse goals. Many of these sects work much like a Ponzi scheme, encouraging followers to recruit others to create their own mini-community. Followers feel judged and shamed for not 'doing the work' to gain some magical enlightenment. I have found that many, in and out of these mini-communities, profess to have gifts like channeling, energy work, past lives readings, etc. One day they may be talking about their traumas, and the next they have 'fixed' all their traumas and are now providing these 'magical' services, claiming that they are coming from a place of love and light, yet watching them in their everyday interactions indicate otherwise. 

Talking about how they only hang out with 'high vibe' people or stating that they don't attract drama at the same time that they are implying that you are bringing the drama into their lives or claiming that their negative reaction to you was a response based on the energy that they supposedly saw coming from you ... seems like a lot of gaslighting, projection and lack of awareness that they are the other side of that equation that they are not taking the responsibility for their own actions/reactions as they talk down to you from their pedestal of 'light worker' and violating your energy and/or manipulating and silencing you by stating that they supposedly can see that your energy does not come from love, despite you knowing otherwise. Jesus did not 'boast' about being the son of God and all his 'magical' gifts when he was washing the feet of his disciples. He did not claim that someone's truth wasn't true. The gifts are all in us, and as with such powers come responsibility and morals to use them ethically. Consent is not only a term in the sexual realm but also in the spiritual to not violate someone's energy.  As Montell notes, stating something that cannot be validated such as what one perceives as another's energy or motivation without considering one's filter and confirmation bias can be damaging and toxic in a community where others have suspended independent thinking and follow the majority.

Much like reclaiming the cunt (part 1) and a box of crayons, alarm bells started ringing in my ears when someone yesterday made reference to ACIM seemingly to validate her point of view that people are responsible for going through their own journey without anyone sharing their experiences for the person to make a more informed decision and/or so the person can learn from others' experiences, lest it takes away their free will. When she brought up the analogy, she seemed to be confusing the not being able to make a horse drink with not even leading the horse to water, implying that none of it was our responsibility. This didn't seem aligned to my current experience with the teachings emphasizing that we are here to be of service to others and look out for each other, as we are all connected. While a horse may be responsible for drinking the water, the collective can at least step in to lead the horse to water and guide it in how to satiate its thirst. 

This concept of letting people fend for themselves is quite like the mindset of some women and minorities in Corporate America that feel as if someone has to go through the same trials and tribulations to get to the top rather than paving the way for others and mentoring them. There is a saying of the collective consciousness, "I heal you, I heal myself. I heal me, I heal you." Rather than having a healthy debate, any counter thought was quickly dismissed. When the herd mentality kicks in, the one who dares to check in with his/her self is left isolated. Unfortunately, that little girl teared up in her frustration and found herself apologizing, when nobody should apologize for sticking to their truths (saudade (part 4)).

In the past, these moments of un-ease would have me in my head all night, questioning everything. But somewhere in the discomfort, I had passed out and while I know I dreamt, I couldn't remember any specifics but it was the calm knowing that caused me to wake up with a big smile on my face this morning. I re-listened to Williamson's livestream yesterday, and although it seemed to just be information to absorb yesterday, her words today only reinforced that knowing that I woke up with. While many of the New Agers focus on the concept of taking responsibility for our own healing, they have neglected the collective conscious. She emphasizes that we can misuse the mind but we cannot 'obliterate the eternal connection'. While some in the herd want to hang out in neutral territory, ACIM, according to Williamson, says that there are no neutral thoughts. If we are not creating light, then darkness will creep in. She notes that good intentions are not enough, providing the analogy that one shouldn't just let a person shoot heroin, thinking that the person will have a lot of time to figure it out themselves. We have things to teach each other, and ACIM points out that each of us are only a half step ahead or behind each other. So if whoever we may teach (or demonstrate to) is only a half step behind us; if we weren't as far back as we are, who would demonstrate to that person otherwise?

Another tell of the gifts being misused was when she had disclosed only a few hours before she referenced ACIM to supposedly validate her point that she hadn't and didn't feel the need to read ACIM, perhaps implying that she already knew its wisdom. Williamson often points out that she has been studying it since the 1970s and still views herself as a pupil in its application. I realized how much someone's ego can quickly have me retraining my muscle memory, honing in on my intuition and trusting my self. For the same reason why I read the Bible (cover to cover) so that I could call into question how many misquote/misuse the Bible for selfish reasons, this has just boost my conviction to complete ACIM.

It is akin to being able to quickly suss out whether someone was truly informed and had watched the entire Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial, or whether he/she took snippets of testimony played in mainstream media, completely missing the context where the witness committed perjury, highlighting that person's inauthenticity and ignorance.

While I may not be on Lesson 137, it didn't take long for me to find at least one of the teachings on this very topic (emphasis added):

"When I am healed, I am not healed alone...

8. Healing is freedom. For it demonstrates that dreams will not prevail against the truth. Healing is shared. And by this attribute it proves that laws unlike the ones which hold sickness is inevitable are more potent than their sickly opposites. Healing is strength. For by its gentle hand is weakness overcome, and minds that were walled off within a body free to join with other minds, to be forever strong...

10. And as you let yourself be healed, you see all those around you, or who crossed your mind, or whom you touch or those who seem to have no contact with you, healed along with you. Perhaps you will not recognize them all, nor realize how great your offering to all the world, when you let healing come to you. But you are never healed alone. And legions upon legions will receive the gift that you receive when you are healed.

11. Those who are healed become the instruments of healing. Nor does the time elapse between the instant they are healed, and all the grace of healing it is given them to give. What is opposed to God does not exist, and who accepts it not within his mind becomes a haven where the weary can remain to rest. For here is truth bestowed, and here are all illusions brought to truth...

 14. Yet must we be prepared for such a gift. And so we will begin the day with this, and give ten minutes to these thoughts with which we will conclude today at night as well:

'When I am healed I am not healed alone. And I would share my healing with the world, that sickness may be banished from the mind of God's one Son, Who is my only Self.'"

~ ACIM - Lesson 137 

As with Abraham Hicks, this post serves as my choosing to let that negative energy go and move on.

* * * * *

Update September 22, 2022:

Similar to Williamson's livestream, when my friend recited this quote to me yesterday, it didn't hit me as much as when I heard it again the next day after an experience has worked through me. So it is not coincidence when this popped up in my Insight Timer this morning:

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

~ Mark Twain

Our neighbor asked me this morning about the guest. When she asked how it was going? I knew that she knew. She had picked up negative energy from the person and had told her husband that she did not want to be around that. As she had been going through her own trauma healing, she has been careful about who she allows into her world. It feels empowering when I shift my perspective (as Williamson deems 'miracle') and realize that isolation is always an amazing place to be when we stay true to ourselves and to God.

11:11 (part 13)

As with truth or dare, I have always been aware of the lead up to the anniversary of that fateful day. Learnings and synchronicities over the years (full circle (part 7)) have lessened the survivor's guilt that I suffered for so long (a lil' part of history and carpe diem), memorializing that reminder at the base of the nape of my neck (11:11 (part 4)) and capturing the ripple effects from the stone skipping series.

Being on this island, surrounded by the vast blue of the ocean and lush green of the land, waking up to sunrises or falling asleep to the glistening reflection of the moonlight over the ocean, lulled by the music of the native birds and the gentle ocean breezes, seem to have stopped time and the hustle and bustle of the chaos in the world for me. For the first time in decades, I hadn't once thought of this day.

With my roommate being gravely ill for the last few days (and my pseudo quarantining), yesterday was our first day to venture out together to shake the cobwebs. A chance promotion at a local grocery store had me trying to determine if it was the second Sunday of the month, noticing a flyer at the cash register publishing the actual date. For a split second, it was just like any other date, especially written out in long form. As I looked up to step into the queue, it hit me like a ton of bricks, silently mouthing to myself 9/11.

I was surprised by the sudden wave of sadness that overcame my body, perhaps because of the drastic mood change. With intention, I decided to shake if off, and when we went for shaved ice afterwards, I was reminded of the lasting effects it had on New Yorkers when a couple started a conversation with us in what seemed like a benign gesture, yet it made me remembered how friendly and kind we were all to each other in the aftermath.

In the shadow of saudade (part 3), I woke up this morning to:

"Thought about you yesterday, 9/11. Thrilled you're still here ❤️"

to infinity and beyond

With the bright lights of city life, the twinkle of the night sky gets muted. A memorable moment for me was my first time on LSD and staring at the night sky above Joshua Tree. The dancing clouds amidst the backdrop of distant stars and moonlight was a visual art performance to behold.

I did not realize though that our atmosphere with the haze, air flow and moisture tend to distort the night sky with extinction (dimmer) and seeing (blurry), including airglow and aurora, reflections of light back onto us. At almost 14,000 feet above sea level and with its arid climate and stable airflow, Mauna Kea has one of the best conditions for stargazing. Continuing with new templates...the party continues (rub-a-dub-dub), laying on sacred land to glimpse the planets and other glowing orbs seem to be a fascinating new experience to an ancestral memory of native life.

"The best way to know if land is truly undiscovered is to seek words to describe it. When you can't, you know it's virgin land. Untouched by our dirty hands. To see it is to be silenced by it. Made speechless by its endless uniformity...

To crest a rise is to see another that is identical. One must read the sun and stars like a sailor to navigate this place. We've seen nothing but grass for over a week: no game, no birds, no snakes, not even a lizard, and no evidence the human race still exists... 

The dirty hand of man can go unnoticed in the city. Because his dirty hand made the city. But in this place, where innocence is a mineral in the soil, the filth of our touch is an apocalypse."

~ Elsa Dutton (1883 - Season 1, Episode 7)

In addition to the conservation and protection of the surrounding lands, laws ensure minimal light pollution around the island. Only 4x4s are allowed up to the summit. Lava rocks as far as the eye can see, there doesn't seem to be any life around as we ascended with periodic reminders to be mindful of altitude sickness. We are blessed with sunrises on the Hilo side but as we continued our climb up to the summit, the barrenness was filled with the juxtaposition of the amber and indigo hues from the West and East of the island.

Snuggled under blankets, breathing in the crisp, cold air, I was silenced by the awesomeness all around me. Without the atmosphere blurring what we see, humans can see approximately 5,000 stars with the naked eye. Absent the distortion from the Earth's atmosphere, I could even see the outline of the dark side of the moon as it sunk from the horizon of the ever-changing night sky, a reminder that not only the Earth is still spinning but also the moon is orbiting us.

Milky Way

What I thought were wisps of clouds turned out to be the Milky Way, as I was quickly reminded that we were above the clouds. I had overheard others nearby exclaiming sightings of shooting stars. While I was silently declaring that I wanted to see a shooting star before we left, I quickly dashed the thought away, as an emphasis to myself to be open to the experience without any expectations. I was rewarded with not one but two shooting stars, satellites and even a ... UFO sighting.

My friend was commenting that he hoped to see a UFO. I felt as if I had split with a part of me listening to his words and the other part completely entranced by a light, different than the other orbs in the sky. Unlike the satellites that we saw that night that seemed to glide by the stars in a trajectory, this one appeared to be flitting. Without thinking, I soon cut him off and asked if he sees this, pointing in the direction to guide his eyes. Just as he said it was getting brighter, it soon looked like it ascended as the light dimmed and then disappeared.

Birthdays have always been a day of reflection for me. Most of them have come with sadness...a wanting and wondering if and where I went astray from my path or destiny. Heading up Mauna Kea, I was in awe of what I was seeing ahead of us while my friend was admiring the beauty in his rear view mirror.

"There is an Indian proverb that goes, 'Sometimes, the wrong train takes you to the right station.' It was like that for me, too. Throughout my life, I always felt like I was on the wrong train. One time, I wanted to give up. I didn't want to go anywhere. So I thought about jumping off the train.

Look where I am now. I took the wrong train again, and a very wrong one at that. It even got me across the 38th parallel! 

Still, you should think about the future even if things don't always go as you wish. I wish you could be happy ... I want you to arrive at the right station no matter which train you take."

~ Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode 5)

As I looked through the side mirror when he told me to look at the view behind us, I was too focused on capturing the picture but as I scrolled through my photos tonight, what laid ahead and behind me were vastly different. In the present moment, it feels much like I got on the wrong train again, and like Se-Ri at that moment, we can derisively laugh at our situations. Yet, on this day, for a split second, in a moment of reflection, perchance, one can see a beauty in the snapshot in time where things may not have gone as I had wished but the wrong train did give me this moment of pulchritudinous respite of nature.

In the end, will destiny eventually guide me to the right station regardless of the countless wrong trains I had to take to get to bliss? Thinking about the future sounds akin to ... hope (ftale).

ease-dropping

Private property signs

In Hawaii, any land below the highest wave line (where wet sand meets dry sand during high tide) is considered public property. The public has an implied easement by dedication (a common law right to access to the shoreline via beach transit corridors on private property). It is one of the most common easement disputes on the islands, and historically, property owners had been creative in how they have discouraged people from accessing the shoreline, such as overgrowth of vegetation or building seawalls, further eroding shoreline available to the public.

Approximately a quarter of Hawaii's shoreline has been erased due to seawalls that have been installed both legally and illegally. Despite Hawaii's constitution, the wealthy coastal property owners, including one in Oahu tied to the Obamas, have been able to get around loopholes and/or pay to limit the public's access to shorelines.

The Department of Land and Natural Resources Office of Conservation and Coastal Lands is responsible for ensuring that governmental accesses are well maintained and that property owners, who are subject to fines and misdemeanors, are in compliance. We had heard that there was a path including five ladders down to the shoreline from our rental property. While not the easiest beach to get to, locals have ventured the trek for prime fishing. Unfortunately, the path we took led us back up to the road and we could never find the supposed ladders, even after using a drone to scope out the cliff which was entirely covered by vegetation.

Despite rumors of a dispute with the government over access rights, the property owner(s) near Lyman Bay (mermaid tears) have surprisingly cultivated a marvelous trail, carved from the local flora, along the Kapue Stream, showcasing its grandeur and history.

mermaid tears

With all the beautiful gemstones in the world, my eyes tend to gravitate to the simplicity of sea glass. While stuck in the torrential downpour during a Hilo Friday night market a week ago, I killed time at a local jeweler's booth until the sky seemed less angry, finding a muted turquoise sea glass necklace. The next day at the Hilo farmer's market, while meandering the booths, my eyes glanced upon something similar until I looked up and realized that it was the same vendor (and thus, same sea glass).

"I have spent many hours on the beach collecting sea glass, and I almost always wonder, as I bend to pick up chunk of bottle green or a shard of meringue white, what the history of the glass was. Who used it? Was it a medicine bottle? A bit of a ship's lantern? Is that bubbled piece of glass with the charred bits inside it from a fire?"

~ Anita Shreve 

Since reading Sea Glass, by Anita Shreve, I had the impression that sea glass was naturally made from the combination of colorful rocks and the chemical and physical intervention of the ocean. Rather, sea glass is made by man but refined by nature. It seems that sea glass can also be completely man-made by replicating what happens in nature, although it may lack much of the frosty covering. In nature, saltwater dissolves the lime and soda content (additives in glass production), resulting in the frost over sea glass, and the pulverization of the waves, salt and sand over 20+ years smooths the edges of broken glass.

Sea glass is becoming rarer as glass is being replaced by plastic. People, also, don't tend to bury their trash under the sand at beaches or carry their trash to sea to dump in the vast oceans like they used to. Still, with natural disasters and shipwrecks or the careless human tossing trash overboard or leaving them at beaches, broken shards from these discarded glass products tend to find their way to the shores of Australia, Italy, Puerto Rico, Mexico, northeast U.S., northeast England, the Isle of Man, and Hawaii. Although its genesis is one man's trash, because of its beauty and rarity, collecting sea glass is at times protected, with it being illegal at U.S. state parks.

* * * * *

Plantation circa 1935 (imagesofoldhawaii.com)

At the end of Mill Road in Pāpa'ikou lies a nondescript gate with signs warning of private property (ease-dropping) and not allowing dogs, fruits, soil, or vegetation (extra-terrestrial). We had heard about a sea glass beach where the estuary of the Kapue Stream meets the Pacific Ocean, of an old sugar plantation. The agglomeration of sea glass is a byproduct of the devastation of tsunamis in 1946 and 1960, destroying nearby homes and businesses.

Pāpa'ikou Plantation was originally owned by Charles Hinckley Wetmore, a missionary doctor whose daughter became the first female doctor on Hawaii, and Edward Griffin Hitchcock, the youngest of three sons of early missionaries to Hawaii and tasked with running the family plantation, later becoming the Marshal of the Republic of Hawaii, responsible for arresting Queen Lili'uokalani during the 1895 Counter-Revolution in Hawaii. It was later consolidated with the Pauka'a and Onomea Plantations in 1888 to form the Onomea Sugar Company, resulting in a property that is 6-mile long along the eastern shore and 3-mile deep, with water from Kapue, Honoli'i, Pähoehoe, Wai'a'ama, Kawainui, Hanawi, Ka'ie'ie, and Ka'awali'i providing the hydro power for electricity and flumes. 

Remnants of sugar mill structure

Along the trail, hugging Kapue Stream, glimpses of years gone by blended in with the surrounding foliage and glistening brook. The trail has been well maintained without any bushwhacking necessary. Onomea was widely known not only as one of the most beautiful plantations but also for its innovation. It was the first to use commercial fertilization and constructed 55 miles of flumes to transport the sugar cane. 

While it was one of the last plantations to hand cut cane, it also invented a special plow, adapted to the local topography to protect its soil. In a labor intensive industry, many workers were imported from Japan, China, Puerto Rico and the Philippines, with families living on the land and offered free medical services. Fierce competition internationally caused many of the sugar plantations to close as they could not stay competitive with labor scarcity and rising wages.

The estuary was a refreshing respite from the hike and heat, as nature's gentle massage to the body. At first, the beach looked like many of the other black sand beaches on this side of the island with tiny refined pebbles from lava rock. But catching the light, a twinkle in the sea of black unearths nature's gift back to man...frosted white, amber, green, turquoise, seafoam, teal, cobalt blue.

"The only problem with looking for sea glass is that you never look up. You never see the view. You never see the houses or the ocean because you're afraid you'll miss something in the sand."

~ Sexton Beecher ("Sea Glass" by Anita Shreve)