mermaid tears

With all the beautiful gemstones in the world, my eyes tend to gravitate to the simplicity of sea glass. While stuck in the torrential downpour during a Hilo Friday night market a week ago, I killed time at a local jeweler's booth until the sky seemed less angry, finding a muted turquoise sea glass necklace. The next day at the Hilo farmer's market, while meandering the booths, my eyes glanced upon something similar until I looked up and realized that it was the same vendor (and thus, same sea glass).

"I have spent many hours on the beach collecting sea glass, and I almost always wonder, as I bend to pick up chunk of bottle green or a shard of meringue white, what the history of the glass was. Who used it? Was it a medicine bottle? A bit of a ship's lantern? Is that bubbled piece of glass with the charred bits inside it from a fire?"

~ Anita Shreve 

Since reading Sea Glass, by Anita Shreve, I had the impression that sea glass was naturally made from the combination of colorful rocks and the chemical and physical intervention of the ocean. Rather, sea glass is made by man but refined by nature. It seems that sea glass can also be completely man-made by replicating what happens in nature, although it may lack much of the frosty covering. In nature, saltwater dissolves the lime and soda content (additives in glass production), resulting in the frost over sea glass, and the pulverization of the waves, salt and sand over 20+ years smooths the edges of broken glass.

Sea glass is becoming rarer as glass is being replaced by plastic. People, also, don't tend to bury their trash under the sand at beaches or carry their trash to sea to dump in the vast oceans like they used to. Still, with natural disasters and shipwrecks or the careless human tossing trash overboard or leaving them at beaches, broken shards from these discarded glass products tend to find their way to the shores of Australia, Italy, Puerto Rico, Mexico, northeast U.S., northeast England, the Isle of Man, and Hawaii. Although its genesis is one man's trash, because of its beauty and rarity, collecting sea glass is at times protected, with it being illegal at U.S. state parks.

* * * * *

Plantation circa 1935 (imagesofoldhawaii.com)

At the end of Mill Road in Pāpa'ikou lies a nondescript gate with signs warning of private property (ease-dropping) and not allowing dogs, fruits, soil, or vegetation (extra-terrestrial). We had heard about a sea glass beach where the estuary of the Kapue Stream meets the Pacific Ocean, of an old sugar plantation. The agglomeration of sea glass is a byproduct of the devastation of tsunamis in 1946 and 1960, destroying nearby homes and businesses.

Pāpa'ikou Plantation was originally owned by Charles Hinckley Wetmore, a missionary doctor whose daughter became the first female doctor on Hawaii, and Edward Griffin Hitchcock, the youngest of three sons of early missionaries to Hawaii and tasked with running the family plantation, later becoming the Marshal of the Republic of Hawaii, responsible for arresting Queen Lili'uokalani during the 1895 Counter-Revolution in Hawaii. It was later consolidated with the Pauka'a and Onomea Plantations in 1888 to form the Onomea Sugar Company, resulting in a property that is 6-mile long along the eastern shore and 3-mile deep, with water from Kapue, Honoli'i, Pähoehoe, Wai'a'ama, Kawainui, Hanawi, Ka'ie'ie, and Ka'awali'i providing the hydro power for electricity and flumes. 

Remnants of sugar mill structure

Along the trail, hugging Kapue Stream, glimpses of years gone by blended in with the surrounding foliage and glistening brook. The trail has been well maintained without any bushwhacking necessary. Onomea was widely known not only as one of the most beautiful plantations but also for its innovation. It was the first to use commercial fertilization and constructed 55 miles of flumes to transport the sugar cane. 

While it was one of the last plantations to hand cut cane, it also invented a special plow, adapted to the local topography to protect its soil. In a labor intensive industry, many workers were imported from Japan, China, Puerto Rico and the Philippines, with families living on the land and offered free medical services. Fierce competition internationally caused many of the sugar plantations to close as they could not stay competitive with labor scarcity and rising wages.

The estuary was a refreshing respite from the hike and heat, as nature's gentle massage to the body. At first, the beach looked like many of the other black sand beaches on this side of the island with tiny refined pebbles from lava rock. But catching the light, a twinkle in the sea of black unearths nature's gift back to man...frosted white, amber, green, turquoise, seafoam, teal, cobalt blue.

"The only problem with looking for sea glass is that you never look up. You never see the view. You never see the houses or the ocean because you're afraid you'll miss something in the sand."

~ Sexton Beecher ("Sea Glass" by Anita Shreve) 

synchronicity (part 1)

I have had enough synchronicities in my life to have learned that there are no coincidences. If one is receptive to it, the YOUniverse (e.g., universe/higher power and your higher self) provide signs in these moments to indicate that one is on the right path.

I started a 21-Day Abundance Meditation Challenge by Deepak Chopra last week with a few friends. The first day's exercise was to list 50 people who has influenced me, big or small. For many, it seemed like a daunting task but as they started, names flowed out of them. However for me, I kept getting stuck, perhaps because my standard of 'influential' is high or perhaps because the people who  shaped me were mostly strangers having passing conversations. I had come up with 43 people, of which about half were no-name individuals who came and went but provided me 'food for thought'.

I started my own group as one of the exercises yesterday and shared my struggle with my list. In my Life in the Universe class today, we watched a Neil Degrasse science documentary. In one clip, it flashed a 1953 article with a headline about scientists (i.e., Harold Urey and Stanley Miller) re-creating the primordial conditions that may have created the first amino acids. For some reason, my eyes gravitated towards the byline - Earl Ubell.

One of my many jobs in college in order to pay tuition was as a bookkeeper for the Health and Science Editor of WCBS in NYC. He was always kind and we got into interesting conversations. I ended up Googling the name and lo and behold, according to his Wikipedia page, he became the Science Editor at the New York Herald Tribune in 1953. It turns out he also interviewed Albert Einstein in 1953, and one of his prized possessions was a letter from Einstein congratulating him on the article.

The flash jogged my memory of a time I had mostly forgotten and two influential people in my life, Earl Ubell and his 'late-life' partner, who turned out to be my Human Reproduction professor at NYU. They both showed me kindness and opened my eyes to areas foreign to me, sexuality and new scientific discoveries.

rub-a-dub-dub

I would have never thought that my journey in life would have led me to Black Rock City. The couple of burners I had met over the years seemed to exist in another dimension from my life in corporate America. Camping in a remote desert with only the amenities that you bring in and out, leaving no trace, sounded like a miserable experience.

Yet magic can happen in the strangest places, and we have opportunities to learn more about ourselves when pushed into uncomfortableness. It was a year-long manifestation that prepared me with smaller festivals camping in the desert and navigating other burners in the poly communities. My journey led me to the playa...and the playa was waiting to enfold me, befitting its theme for the year of Metamorphoses.

Some of the lessons and experiences seem to sacred to share but as I've learned in full circle (part 6), birthdays are much better shared. Unbeknownst to me, my partner had planned out the day of festivities, which on the playa is a feat in itself since anything and everything unplanned can happen.

Slushies - What can be more refreshing in the desert than slushies for breakfast? Of course, as I was getting too comfortable from the respite, lounging in a chaise in the desert, I was rushed off to the next adventure, despite my feeble protests.

Nuclear Dandelion - Relaxation I asked for? Relaxation I got...at an oasis spa in the middle of the playa. A cold face mask seems a mundane activity at home but in the middle of nowhere, it was a luxury that my skin drank in. The lessons of gratitude became a recurring theme.

Glamour Shoot - With a hydrated face, despite the layers of dust on my body, I was whisked away to a glamour shot at Tickled Mink where we get to showcase our 'burner straight from Mad Max' costumery.

Cup of Joe - Naturally, in celebration of my background...well perhaps more coincidental than not, we made a pitstop to cool down with Vietnamese iced coffee and Thai iced tea.

Birthday Goodies - Of course for my sweet tooth, we stopped by the Black Rock Bakery VICE - Vietnamese iced coffee.

Traveling the playa takes a lot of patience, and traversing to the other side is like traveling to the other side of the world. No ubers, just our feet and our trusty decked out bicycles. Of course, it wasn't our first attempt but ended up being a moment of synchronicity that we encountered a moment of kindness to be ushered in as the last group, not having to navigate any long lines...

Bubble Bath Orgy - The Foam Dome (open secret of course, sponsored by Dr. Bronners) was and experience that cannot be explained. Bodies in its natural glory, undulating to tunes DJ'ed by the best in the festi scene. How best to celebrate a birthday than in my very own birthday suit. I probably wasn't the first, nor will I be the last, but it was fun being a child and having a golden shower moment, as my little secret.

Birthday Treat - Black Rock Bakery was like a siren to my sweet tooth. I got special treats and a surprise birthday song from strangers that were family.

    

 

Bon Apetit - Spoonful of Friends is Black Rock City's attempt at fine dining, hosting 50 people for a taste of French cuisine. Reservations are hard to come by like Michelin restaurants and are oftentimes made in advance of the Burn. We may have been the only few Americans among a sea of international dialects. The food seemed like a minor player in the beautiful connections being made.

Lost in the Deep Abyss of the Dust - Stretching with clouds of dust to No-Man's Land, we ended the night not letting the night end. Chasing Sabo and parties at Camp Q, exploring art installations, taking a moment at the Temple (chimera) to respect experiences of the past that shape us, and releasing any inhibitions to the guide of plant medicine, we lost all sense of time in the magic of the moment.

It may not be my last Burn, but I will never have another first Burn. A day of synchronicities, a day of abundance, a day of loving and kindness ... a dream I never dreamt. I am ME. FREEDOM!

leap of faith

I have recently discovered the science behind Law of Attraction in the field of quantum physics. Some of the experiments are enough to blow one's mind, literally and figuratively. It has been an amazing journey to discover plant medicine, energy/vibrations and the Laws of the Universe.

I have been interested in hypnosis since college when someone suggested that it may be something to consider to regain significant memory lapses in my life (safe haven). Quantum hypnosis healing technique (QHHT) is an amalgamation of these concepts, and seemed like a sign from the universe and my Higher Self. Seeing that one of the books that started the practitioner's spiritual awakening was a shared experience for me (to err is human, to forgive, divine) added to the synchronicity.

While I had reservations that I was hypnotizable, I consciously decided to 'let go' of the anxiety and/or any expectations of the session. My partner's decision not to share his experience further heightened my nerves yet it was an exercise in respecting his decisions and boundaries, a lesson for me to continue to practice. It was interesting to relay my life in less than two hours and to reflect on my life journey to date, including the gratitude for even the lowest of lows, reflecting on my growth and changes in perspective from the then and now.

The practitioner had noted that with the upgrade in the collective DNA, more people are able to remember their sessions than fifty years ago when QHHT was first created. While there were moments where I doubted that I was completely under, she had signs that I was. I was surprised by the flood of tears that flowed when my Higher Self responded to the therapist's question on how I was doing in this life, as well as the words coming out of my mouth as my Higher Self answered her questions. Only later did I realize that the purple vapor that I saw swirling upwards, when channeling my Higher Self, represented the Crown Chakra, where the union with Higher Self, spirituality and higher consciousness reside.

While my partner may have initially been disappointed with his QHHT session, I believe it was exactly what he needed at the time, focusing on the doubts and blockages from his ego as well as the continuous overlapping themes of gold and yellow throughout his session, focusing on the solar plexus chakra, which also came up during his body scan. Prior to his session, the citrine quartz, which he had in a sacred necklace that he had since a sound meditation session where he was connected to his paternal lines, had disappeared from his necklace. Citrine also represents the solar plexus chakra. Gems and crystals (also known as Stone People in certain tribal cultures and spiritual teachings) have a way of coming in and going out of one's life when its energy and vibrations are needed ~ a demonstration of quantum physics.

The Crystal Movement also helps us share the energy and vibrations to help heal the collective conscious. The QHHT sessions is recorded, and it contains the vibrations from my Higher Self. Each time we replay the session, it is an opportunity to get the vibrational download from a higher source. I feel enlightened by my session and look forward to the doors that this has opened in my conscious and subconscious worlds.

* * * * *

Update March 31, 2019:

I recently played my session during a time where I was looking for guidance. I fell asleep to it, hoping my subconscious would absorb the energy and vibrations. I woke up with a refreshed state of being, and a new perspective on a situation that was plaguing me.

violet goddess

In a moment of firsts, I was looking forward to spending Christmas with the eyes of a child with rainbow kaleidoscope glasses, watching the radiant sun, cottony clouds, bluest sky, undulating waves and briskly palm trees turn into the glowing moon, twinkling stars and roaring tides as we walked the shores of Cabo San Lucas. When we saw the notice that the luggage had been searched and the bare vial, our hearts dropped. In an attempt to salvage my wish, he diluted the vial with water for me to empty the contents.

Within minutes, my body was taken through whorls of vibrant purples, magentas and fuchsias of fractals and mandalas by a dark-headed goddess. Those who witnessed my short journey in blast off likened my undulations to be an extended stay of a similar journey. Not understanding where it was taking me, I just wanted it to stop as I was spent.

By today, we realized that what appeared to be barren had only had the alcoholic medium evaporate, and my second experience with the medicine was enough for three. While the goddess guided me through visuals that my eyes and mind had never seen, my muscle-fatigued body was ready to get off her tour, not quite understanding her message.

blast off

The 'God molecule' can be found in numerous plant species and at least one toad species. Trace amounts have also been produced endogenously in humans, perhaps in the pineal and retina. From my recent experience with psychedelics (sweet as sugar), I had some reservations as to the effects on me, especially as the shaman had noted that it is a very individual experience. However, as I interacted with many who came out of the ceremonies over the last couple of days, the one common denominator was the 'positive' vibes and 'no regrets' emanating from everyone.

My goal was to count to 20, but at two, it was as if I was at full throttle, going at light speed through the universe. The moans seemed distant and from pain or release. Yet, I did not feel any negativity. Was it orgasmic or torment? I felt a whisper in my left ear that I could not make out. Eventually the moans stopped, and waves and vibrations took over my body. While I was present in the room, with the music and conversations, my body was paralyzed, other than the constant vibrations radiating throughout.

I had no memories of the universe, God, love, goddess, etc. that others recollected. However, I was told that I laid back, arms spread out, still and with a smile on my face as if I was in bliss. The moans did not come from me, but from the other person sharing space with my experience, and somehow I shared in his journey. While I was not oozing with some ethereal glow from my journey, I also was not disappointed but rather left wondering what the message was for me.

* * * * *

Update December 24, 2019:

It was him who whispered in my left ear with the message of 'I love you', or so he says...

* * * * *

Update February 9, 2019:

Hoping to vary my experiences, so that I would not channel others experience, I tried a solo journey. The medicine was same-same but different, and I had time to lay down gently before traveling at warp speed. While still not having any conscious memories, I maintained the position of bliss. The journey back ventured into waves and vibrations, feeling as if the violet goddess was back as my tour guide. The music made the vibrations ever so potent, resulting in more muscle fatigue.

sweet as sugar

The miracle berry (synsepalum dulcificum) grows in Africa and contains a glycoprotein molecule called miraculin, which binds to the taste buds, resulting in sour things to taste sweet. Ironically, the berry is low in sugar content. For the winter solstice, it seemed fitting to throw a 'flavor tripping' party for a friend's birthday party, introducing the miracle berry to discerning taste buds.

My first experience with psychedelics (11:11 (part 11)) was a growth experience for me. Although the night was meant to be a 'flavor-tripping' shindig, I found myself having my own 'miracle tripping' with highs of some of the most stimulating visuals of sacred geometry and vivid colors to lows of hibernating in a fetal position. It was a long night, unfolding myself from the womb to realizations of my experiences mirroring my internal dilemma. What was initially my frustration with my inability to help others who do not want to help themselves was a reflection of my frustration with my inability to help my Self.

That night, it occurred to me that every experience and person that I manifest in my life is a mirror to my soul. It was a difficult lesson to grasp, even more so to put into practice in every moment. Yet when two new friends came in to check in on me, I was so touched by their grace, thoughtfulness and kindness, knowing that I had manifested them to help unfold me petal by petal to bloom in the security and confidence I needed to get me out of my shell.

I missed the entire flavor-tripping portion of the night but as dawn creeped upon me, an experience that started sour began to taste a lot sweeter as my plant medicine wore off, leaving me with the dew of the lesson unfolding before me.

a frog's kiss

The waxy giant leaf or monkey frog (Phyllomedusa bicolor) is a bright green tree frog, native to the Amazon basin, whose waxy secretion has been used for its powerful emetic or purgative effects. Kambo, named after the shaman Kampu who learned about the medicine from a forest spirit to heal his tribe, has been used to eliminate toxin, increase strength and stamina, or dispersing negative energy. Thought to emit a light green glow to attract prey, it is also used to aid in hunting to reduce need for sustenance and minimize the human scent.

While the frogs are not great at hopping, they have adapted to their environment, such as climbing trees and producing the secretion which protects them from drastic temperature changes and predators. They are listed on the Least Concern on the International Union for Conservation of Nature's (IUCN) Red List. The secretion is 40 times more potent than morphine or microbicides and peptides that could help prevent HIV transmission, as well as inhibit cancer cell growth. It is also known to treat chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, herpes, Parkinson's disease, Alzheimer's, depression, hepatitis, diabetes, menopause and a host of other ailments.

As with any 'healing medicine', the results vary by person and usually provides what the person needs at that moment. Preparation required fasting all day and intake of lots of water. I was not prepared for the copious amounts of water, which resulted in my body having the shakes. The medicine is applied onto gates upon the skin, created with a hot stick which causes the top layer of the skin to blister.

As the medicine moved throughout my body, it controlled my shakes while causing my body to intensely purge. The experience was very uncomfortable, practically hugging a bucket as there was no warning for the bile and toxins seeking refuge. The denouement were drops of the intense sting of sananga to the eyes. As part of the ceremony, we returned our collective refuse to Pachamama underneath a cherry tree.

It is recommended to do kambo at least three times during a lunar cycle for the optimal results in removing toxins. However, after one session, for some, they were able to let go of some pent-up trauma. For me, it provided clarity and perspective for something that was plaguing me that day. For those in the ceremony, it was a shared experience that further connected each of us to each other and the universe. For a family that pukes together will always be connected with the dots, sealed with Dragon's Blood, signifying our badge of courage.

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Update February 19, 2019:

Perhaps due to the bountiful rain that has finally ended the 7-year drought, the cherry tree is in full bloom, after looking as if it had been on its last legs in the last few years. However, I am sure that the offerings we provided to the Mother were returned in the blessings of the beautiful blossoms on the cherry tree.

jumping through hoops

Since marijuana has become legal for all adults to use in California, the quality has significantly increased, commensurate with the prices of course, as the government has significantly taxed the distribution of such. However, I was surprised to see how common the use of it was even with Americans traveling from the East Coast, where it is not yet legal although the NYC mayor recently instructed the police to stop making arrests for marijuana usage.

Vaping has become more common and has made it a bit more challenging to determine whether someone is vaping tobacco or other products. Flavored cartridges with different strains have also added to the popularity. While in Rome, a taxi driver coyly asked us after realizing that we were Americans, if we had a spare charger for his vape that he could purchase. It could not be purchased in Italy and he had gone for months without being able to use his vape. Luckily, one of my travel companions had the same type and had a spare charger to give him. As she also knew she did not want to risk bringing an extra filler back into the states, he also got the lucky bonus of that as well.

Italy has gone back and forth over the last few decades in regards to legalizing marijuana. The Vatican is on its soil yet it also struggles with the Italian mafia and the questionable quality that may be consumed by its citizens who have obtained such products from these sources. Over the years, marijuana use has gone from illegal to decriminalized.

It was interesting to find out though how many people grew it for their own personal use, taking advantage of a loophole. Due to the obvious smells from growing a cannabis plant indoors, especially in apartment buildings in the North where it is not as warm throughout the year, Italians have gotten creative in their green thumb adventures. Technically, it is illegal to sell marijuana for personal use other than medicinal purposes, but it is not illegal to sell or purchase the seeds or to consume given the decriminalization efforts.

One man told me how he would plant the seeds annually in the countryside on others' properties and periodically check on his plants. He was happy to even provide his recommendations of the best varietal and hybrid seeds. Another laughingly shared how his friend tried to hide the obvious odor from neighbors in his apartment building. One pharmacist, who avoids using synthetic drugs himself, also is a source for his close friends as he is known for also being a cannabis horticulturist.

for whom the bell tolls

In trying to find some personal works of a new friend (reclaiming the cunt (part 8)) that he had noted was online, I chanced upon his rendition of the crash of TWA 843 when he was 11.  Like UA 93, its flight plan was from NYC to San Francisco. On the eve of 9/11, it seemed too similar to be completely coincidental, especially after he told me how he had to change his flight for a business trip to Hong Kong from Sunday to Tuesday. It then hit me that Tuesday would be 9/11. The terrorism that plagued the Twin Towers in 2001 was also on a Tuesday.

In May, I decided that it was finally time to visit Freedom Tower and the 9/11 Memorial and Museum. For years I had avoided the area every time I visited NYC but after full circle (part 7), I felt mentally ready. Had I not been there with some foreign friends, I probably would have spent a longer time to process everything, but it was for the best that I did not as it was time to move forward from the moment. 

While there was much controversy during the last decade on the entire rebuilding and memorial that caused it to be delayed, I think they did as best as they could to make it a touching and respectful tribute to the lives lost. This includes putting a white rose next to a victim's name on his/her birthday, as well as a wall with a quote from Virgil that separates the museum from the vault where they have placed the remains of nearly 8,000 unidentified human remains. The quote is not without controversy itself as some questioned it in the context of its original intent vs. the meaning that the museum's creators wanted to relay. In its original context, it would apply more to the terrorists than the victims. 

At the time, one of the most haunting visions for me was a photo of an unknown person who jumped from the building to escape the burning heat of the fire from the planes. Many of my coworkers who were at the office that day have nightmares from seeing people dropping from the sky in person. It was not a surprise to see that there was an alcove with a video tribute to these bold men and women who made such a difficult decision in how to die, especially since it is said that burning to death is the most painful way to die. It was the only place in the museum that had a big box of tissues at the end with a trashcan full of used tissues.

To think that there are children, including those who are a year away from adulthood, who were not  even alive then. However, the death toll and aftermath of the event continues. Experts estimate that by the end of this year, there will be more deaths from the health issues of the first responders and those who lived near Ground Zero than there were from the initial terror act itself. One of my close friends has been approved to receive 9/11 funds for health issues. While she was on her honeymoon in Italy on 9/11, she and her husband lived across the street from the Twin Towers.

While they were frustrated that they could not access their apartment for months, they have now regretted moving back as soon as the government cleared people to do so. They are convinced that they lost their first child because of the toxins in the air. Doctors could not pinpoint why they had to make a very difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy; however, the autopsy, while inconclusive, showed evidence of holes in lungs and other deformities that confirmed the necessity to do so.

Now, she is left with respiratory, sinus and joint problems that has her going to numerous specialists without an end in sight. The museum had a section at the end dedicated to the first responders and the voluminous health issues plaguing the first responders afterwards. Perhaps because it is so close to home for me and impacting a love one so significantly, I felt that the tribute was insufficient. The creators of the museum could take a page out of the museum in Hiroshima (boom of the 'shrooms) dedicated to the victims of the atomic bombs in its coverage of the continuing effects of such human tragedy.

moments that matter (part 5)

It has been a tough few days. I am thankful that most of it was spent unconscious. The waking hours were difficult to focus on work or any pre-assignment for bootcamp, so I was left to my thoughts. In the wake of Law of Attraction, I am trying really hard not to think about the trauma from the initial procedure. While I have slight fears of vaginismus or some skewed impact on my ability to enjoy the pleasures of intimacy, I want to be able to separate the physical from the emotional trauma.

buds of love

Word has gotten out regarding my health (without too many details out of respect). A few have sent brief messages with positive energy while others have been kind to not disrupt me and get updates from my "work wife" (one day I will write a post on how much she has meant to me). She reminded me yesterday how many people out there care for me. Interestingly, while I view that I have more male friends than female in general, I am so blessed with the sistas (near and far) I do have and how they all rallied, leaving care packages of fruit, soup/broth, probiotics, healing drops, etc. and have periodic check-ins to make sure I did not pass out.

Some offered me to temporarily move in with them so that I am not alone. Luckily, I had the energy to make it out for a lunch with a sister from another mother who was visiting from Vietnam, and made a special trip to San Francisco during her tour of the U.S. just to see me.

As noted in hallmark holiday, I am a fan of surprises so it brightened up my day to randomly receive beautiful bouquets today that I have on my dresser across my bed as a reminder to me of the love in my life. It also seems apropos that it is the autumnal equinox where the day equals the night, at least at the equator. So with the darkness comes the sunlight, and a new phase for me to look forward to.

bloody hell

I had a sigh of relief when the doc cleared me to go home early this morning after pulling out the vaginal packing and not seeing ongoing bleeding. The pad they had put under me was clean as I got up and got dressed. Since she was on call at the hospital, they had put a hospital bracelet on me in case I had to head to the operating room that she had booked as a default plan.

I had not eaten since lunch yesterday so stopped by Starbucks for a muffin and chai latte on my way home. With those sensitive nerve endings, I knew that there were fluids moving within my body but figured it was just the body's way of cleaning itself. I had not even touched my muffin by the time I realized that the fluid movement seemed unusually high. A quick trip to the bathroom confirmed my fears and after it seemed to stop filling up the toilet, I thought it was safe to change, including topping it off with a fresh pad.

I barely got back into bed before I felt that it had not stopped, realizing that after another toilet full of red and the dripping not stopping, that perhaps doubling up my pads may not be sufficient. I had the foresight to get a change of clothes, and started texting my friend and doc. The lack of blood took its toll and I found myself constantly sitting down to catch my breath waiting for my friend. The doc called me with instructions including calling 911 as my picture to her had her alarmed enough to not wait. As I was laying on the kitchen floor with the door open, there was something surreal about the moment that I could not place.

As 5 EMTs came in, it occurred to me that I had dreamt about this recently. At the time, I had thought it was a very odd visual memory mixed in with an entirely different theme from the dream. Luckily, my friend arrived in time of them getting me into the ambulance to coordinate. I was worried about her relatively new car and had eyed a beach towel downstairs that I was going to grab, but as they switched me to the hospital bed and I saw the bloody gurney, my first thought was that I was glad it wasn't my friend's car. The nurses had difficulty drawing three vials of blood, as the blood seemed to want to flow elsewhere. I did learn that the body can survive on two-thirds of its usual blood volume as they were discussing potential transfusion. I still had the hospital bracelet on from earlier this morning.

As with the oocyte retrieval, I went out like a light, and apparently was not aware of any update from my doc; fortunately, she followed up with a call to remind me. We had dinner plans at Lazy Bear, a fixed menu dinner that you had to purchase tickets a month in advance. I was determined to make it, as it was also a friend's birthday. In the end, I was not allowed to go and order to get rest and be horizontal. Of course, I got chastised by my brother who became my emergency contact and default family doc for not even letting him know that anything was going on. He must have informed my sister, the anesthesiologist, who advised me not to be alone post surgery.

As we had to get replacements for Lazy Bear, since two others did not want to attend if I wasn't going, as it was my event that I really wanted to experience, a few others at work had reached out to check in. I did tell him that I could have used a cuddle yesterday, before today's event. I had sent him kissing my boo-boos. He had made a point that over the years, he did not feel as if I initiated, primarily texting and in life ways rather than transactional texts. While I tend to mirror people's communications style, and had communicated that, I had heard his concerns and had made efforts since returning. We all have our lives, and he's busy acclimating to new team and new job.

I don't often reach out for help - lot of that is based on full circle (part 8). To me, communicating that I wished for a cuddle from him is initiating. Perhaps this is another episode of lost 'n found and as with that gentleman, he initiated and pushed despite my hesitation with the age difference, sometimes people do not know how they would react until experiencing it, which I understand. However, I disclosed to him what happened with the other gentleman, and he still danced the dance. A part of me is disappointed, a part of me knows to focus on my recovery. In the end, I am blessed for my friend who was there for me throughout the day, as well as very kind people who interacted with me today, from the EMTs to nurses to doctors, and my siblings, the doctors. full circle (part 7) serves as a reminder to live in the moment and not fret over a past that cannot be changed.

* * * * *

Update September 21, 2017:

It turns out I lost over 3 units of blood (or over 25%). Luckily, I did not need a transfusion but it has made my body anemic and dehydrated, causing weakness, lethargy and headaches. 😔

* * * * *

Update September 28, 2017:

In an act of kindness, the primary EMT who worked on me texted me today to check up on me. Given the sexual harassment at work (kissing my boo-boos), I initially hesitated to respond, assuming ulterior motives. I am glad I listened to my inner child and responded in kind...Law of Attraction.

kissing my boo-boos

As children, sometimes pain is more mental than physical. That is why when someone kisses a child's boo-boo, all is good with the world. Children cry many times as a reaction to an adult's facial expression so we learn to smile and laugh after a child falls in hopes that it is somehow encouragement that the fall was a cool thing to do.

Today was a painful day for me. It was with a heavy heart from flash of light that I started to resolve by turning in my resignation. After spending almost a quarter of a century devoted to the firm, including sacrificing critical parts of my personal life, I could no longer associate myself with one infiltrated with misogyny and racism. Since I have repatriated back to the U.S., I have had two married partners attempt to have sex with me, both times trying to get me drunk under the guise of mentoring and advice for the "new girl in town". One even was so arrogant that he had already booked a hotel room and had an excuse to his wife as to why he had to stay in the city for work. 

However, the "new girl" was just "fresh meat". Another single partner, whom I had rejected a few times, in a drunken stupor thought it best to try to shame me in front of my team at a happy hour for dating younger men, as he believed it was inappropriate, although it was entirely acceptable for him to date younger women. Unfortunately, one of these men became one of my immediate reports who would influence my performance. With him and a number of other male partners, I witnessed how they would push a male senior manager for promotion by giving him credit for "training" a staff person who worked with him for a month or two, while stating that a female senior manager, whom the staff worked for two years with, benefited from the tutelage of the male senior manager. The "leader" also avoided interacting with me or giving me the courtesy and respect as a partner, even going as far as going to my senior managers and managers for information on my projects.

Same discrimination was done as it related to staffing of projects and performance ratings of staff, turning a blind eye to unethical behavior of other male partners. Yet, I did not formally report any of this. I was vocal though. A different leader had stated to me that is why people like me should stick around and speak up, but a voice of one in a sea of many, especially when I am not always invited to the table becomes a fruitless exercise of going around the hamster wheel. I reported these informally though, including a leader of both of the leaders noted, as I was hoping that he could be on the lookout for potential retaliation. However, he said in passing that he didn't believe me on the sexual harassment. Perhaps, deep down I was hoping that someone would formally report it on my behalf so that it would minimize the retaliation that would come my way.

I consulted with others internal and external and it was unanimous that at someone my level, it would just ruin my reputation and given the lack of transparency, especially in performance evaluations, it would be impossible for me to prove any retaliation. So I kept silent. I now have to deal with the tremendous guilt that I could not do anything to help those below me, from my senior manager who was so devoted to the firm and is a superstar yet having to go through such disappointment at how the firm treats people to the ladies that reached out to me to report their individual stories. However, unlike those I informally reported to that failed me, I am determined to do the right thing including formally reporting their concerns, as is our policy. While certain actions while I was on vacation had frighten some to withdraw their participation, I am hoping that when they called me in Vietnam that something I said may have given them strength to continue to try to improve the culture.

I cannot change the past but I no longer have to remain silent, and hopefully my actions can lend them a voice.

* * * * *

I have been blessed with amazing full-body orgasms (reclaiming the cunt (part 3) and face of the girl (part 3)). I used to think it was normal until a few partners had noted that they had never seen such a thing. With that, comes a cost of having a lot of nerve endings.

The LEEP procedure was supposed to be a relatively easy in-office procedure. While I had gotten the usual dosage of local anesthesia (20 ml), the doctor decided to give me an additional 10 ml, the maximum that she can give without a licensed anesthesiologist. My tolerance for pain is high. My masseuse has the San Francisco 49ers and Golden State Warriors as clients. She generally leaves bruises on other women yet I have never gotten a bruise from her massages. I did not even know that the doctor had completed my egg harvesting for oocyte cryopreservation as I felt no pain or cramps. I don't usually have cramps when Aunt Flo visits. Even a masseuse in Vietnam who walked on my back noted that somehow working on me is like working on two people given my pain tolerance.

So I was not prepared for the immense pain - it was as if someone was cutting me open without any anesthesia at all. I cried the entire time and went back and forth from almost hyperventilation to not breathing at all from the pain. The procedure was further prolonged as I also seem to have a lot of blood vessels there as well. When drawing blood, my veins usually are free flowing but with pressure, it seals quickly. Even after a 10-minute break with old-fashion gauze packing vs. cauterizing and to let my pain settle, the flow did not stop.

When the doc gave me the option of going to operating room this evening or vaginal packing with alternative of operating room in the morning if the bleeding did not stop, I opted for the latter as I could not emotionally take any more today. It was the most traumatic experience for me based on my limited memory banks (safe haven), and it may be a while before I can separate that from my amazing orgasms. Luckily, after a bit of a dry spell, I was fortunate to have a lovely "romp in the hay" recently to be fresh in my memories.

As I was walking home, I realized that this is one of those rare occasions where I "regret" not having someone "to go home to". I did not tell many about my procedure - primarily my senior manager and masseuse who both offered to be there for me. A small group of friends from Asia knew as I mentioned in passing as it related to an entirely unrelated but related conversation yesterday. Because of location and kindness, I know that the man from lost 'n found would have readily been there to lend a warm body and cuddles; however, in the end, I rather be alone than hidden (hide 'n seek). In the end, it results in the same thing...being alone, except one I can salvage my authenticity.

crystal clear

luna y azul

I had known that we were spending a few days at a lake and to prepare to dress warmly. However, it wasn't until I got here that I realized that it was Lago Titicaca (grey puma, despite some thinking that it was named after tits and shit). Being geographically challenged, for some reason I had thought that this wonder of the world was in Africa, so it was a glorious morning surprise to realize that our boat ride on the lake covered another bucket list item.

Andes montañas en Bolivia

The Isle of Taquile has about 2,500 inhabitants known as Taquileños. They operate on community collectivism, based on the Inca moral code of ama sua (do not steal), ama llulla (do not lie), and ama quilla (do not be lazy). Punishment is relinquished in the form of public lashings. While technically, Taquileños are Catholics, nobody goes to church on the island as they follow the traditional Andean religion based on Patchamama and ancient local herbal medicines and medical diagnosis based on transference of medical conditions via guinea pig. The women weave and cook, and the men knit. Children do their own laundry by the age of 5, and learn the trades of their parents. While the number of tourists are limited on the island, the funds have helped the community to make upgrades to paths and to the community, such as solar panels for electricity. Life is simple, and life span averages 75 years old while the average life span on the mainland is 65 years old.

The Uros live on one of the 86 Islas Flotantes, floating islands made of totora reeds, which are also part of their diet. Each week or two, the indigenous inhabitants add a layer of reeds. Each island lasts for approximately 25 years before a new one needs to be built from scratch. Each island consists of approximately 25 people from 5 families. As children become teenagers, they move to the mainland. The families who choose to continue to live on these floating islands do so out of tradition and maintaining the ancient ways. They are said to have "black blood," which is why they do not feel the cold. A teacher travels by boat to one of the islands where the children gather each day via reed boats for their education.

totora reeds

solar panels en isla flotante

té de muña

The Uros used to catch 10 kilos a day of prehistoric fish, which they use to barter and trade on the mainland. However, due to overfishing, pollution and global warming, their catch has reduced significantly to perhaps 1 kilo a day. Tourism supplements their ability to obtain goods on the mainland, such as vegetables to supplement their diet. The lake also houses prehistoric frogs (Titicaca water frog or telmatobius culeus). It is also known as the Titicaca scrotum water frog for its excessive skin which helps it to respire in the cold water, as it is an entirely aquatic species.

Being on the lake with the crisp air and clear water left me absolutely breathless. The pictures did not do it justice with a beautiful sunny day with the cloudless skies, reflecting the moon on one side and the Andes on the Bolivian side. In the spirit of living in the moment (11:11 (part 4)), I did not hesitate to play in the "mucho frio agua" (7 degrees Celsius), despite being the only person from our boat to do so. Not quite as organic as the Pachamanca in rock 'n roll, the locals welcomed us and shared Pachamanca with their local flavor, including ending the day with pisco. As was a taste of heaven, connecting with Patchamama truly is blissful.

refreshing dip in lago titicaca

safe haven

The body has a way of displaying symptoms and/or 'cry for help' before things get too dire. A couple of years ago, my body was doing weird things for months. At first, I ignored them as signs of aging. I even wondered if somehow I was pregnant. Ultimately, it resulted in such a pain that prevented me from walking normally. Luckily, my parents were visiting when I had to go to an urgent care facility. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease that does not have a common cause that triggers it. Over time, I realized that my trigger is intense stress and my body's communication to slow down, which has led me to rethink my life (and career in the girl with the dragon tattoo).

At the endodontist today, I learned that abscess is a way for the tooth to signal that its nerve, although not necessary for daily functioning, is being attacked, regardless of whether one is experiencing pain. Last weekend, my hair stylist relayed a story about a friend who she used to be close with until recent addictions pushed them apart. After her second pregnancy, possibly due to postpartum depression, the friend had recollections of childhood trauma - molestation.

Up until then, she had a relatively normal life, which consisted of a happy marriage and family. However, despite intense therapy, she was not able to cope with the sudden flash of memories and have been fighting addiction ever since, at the demise of her marriage, family and friendships. Unfortunately, despite her ex-husband's attempts, she does not have much interaction with her children either.

Although my college friends and some close friends have encouraged me to perhaps try hypnosis and/or therapy to re-discover part of my past and memories prior to fifth grade (an eye for an eye, ftale, and moments that matter (part 1)), I have let go of the curiosity a while back (moments that matter (part 6)), fully recognizing that my mind, like my body, knows when to go into 'self-preservation' mode. 

While I would like to think that given my growth over the years, I would be able to face any demons head on, I have full faith that when the time is right, even if that is not at all, the gates will be released. Until then, I am grateful for that temporary blockage in order for me to get closer to enlightenment and happiness. In the meantime, I am sending out positive energy to my stylist's friend that her mind would help her do the same until she can gather her strength to fight her darkness, rather than let it continue to engulf her.

face of the girl (part 3)

420 is code for cannabis (marijuana), originated in 1971 by five students who called themselves the Waldos. It was the time that they designated to meet to execute a plan to find an abandoned cannabis crop based on a treasure map. Ultimately, the plan did not come to fruition and eventually became code for marijuana consumption in general.

As you can imagine, it is a significant event on April 20 in cities and states where marijuana is legal, such as California. My first exposure was 'contact high' in college when my roommate/suitemates consumed the substance while stuffing a towel at the bottom of the door with windows closed. I could never master smoking it as I could not inhale it from a joint, so I resigned myself to contact high as the 'sitter'. While I never thought I had any reaction, at least those high on pot would claim that I was giddier than normal.

I have always thought that I had a predisposition to addiction so avoided drugs in general. While living in Asia, I tried it once via a homemade apple 'bong' that served to filter the harshness on the throat. However, an odd reaction from a friend, which turned out it was due to past trauma/experiences from an addiction that her ex got her into (stone skipping (part 5)), ruined any experiment I was hoping for in determining my natural reaction.

Up to then, I had a theory that marijuana is one of those substances that enhances a person's natural state. My friend's husband would either get super paranoid in a random environment or very artistic and could see music visually dancing when he felt safe. He is naturally inclined to musical talents but is also prone to conspiracy theories. My friend is super giddy, as she's a naturally optimistic person. Another friend also got very paranoid the one time he tried edibles, and in his normal life, he likes to claim that he's 'super sensitive' but in reality, that entails a lot of skepticism, insecurity and paranoia about what others think of him. An ex (moments that matter (part 4)) used to describe to me that he'd get foolish and dark although I never witnessed what that meant. A study links heavy teen use of marijuana with abnormal brain structure changes that resembles schizophrenia, which may be tied to what he was talking about since he was around that age. The risk seems to not be an issue for older users.

He would get cerebral and solve or connect random things, which aligns with someone with the life path of 7 (trifecta). The first time I truly tried edibles was in Koh Samui (bubble of bliss). I had wanted to try it in a safe environment and at that time, he had always made me feel safe. As noted in reclaiming the cunt (part 3) and face of the girl (part 2), I have learned that confidence, being in the moment and relaxing has enabled me to always achieve orgasms. Yet, it was a complete surprise to discover that under the influence, a touch on the temple, sucking a finger, light touch, etc. all was connected to my nether region, resulting in continuous orgasms for hours on end.

Initially, I was not sure if it was the pot, connection I had with him or both. It took me a long time before finding another person I felt remotely safe enough to try it again. One person (ftale) even wondered whether I would be able to still have orgasms under the influence without anyone touching me, which recently was proven to also be possible, and further validates the sexual energy in face of the girl (part 1). Clearly, a connection makes it more intense and I haven't quite been able to replicate Koh Samui; however, all the moments have still been fun and very pleasurable.

I am curious what blend of sativa and/or indica will help me find my inner child (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)), and perhaps solve world peace while I am in there.

coming out party

One of my staff had a đầy tháng celebration, which is a one-month party for a newborn. Traditional Vietnamese tend to have a newborn and the mother 'hibernate' for a month to recover while maternal relatives take care of them, either by moving in or having mother and baby move to the relative's house. In some cases, they already live together. There are very specific dietary restrictions and care. Different families have different traditions. Many of them steeped in centuries of superstitions and beliefs despite modern medicine.

Infant mortality used to be very significant - so much so that one superstition is not to name your child until the one-month mark. Despite the hot climate, one tradition would be to not run the air conditioner or fan because the 'wind' could cause illness. Some even 'burn coal' under the bed or some form of heating to keep the body warm. Certain food (including congealed blood) is prescribed to help the mother 'heal'. Rice wine or something similar is used to bathe the mother - again, the reason is to kill the bacteria. Neither can leave the house during this period and the mother is expected to stay in bed for much of the time. While many of the traditions had reasons - some valid, some not, modern medicine and hygienic conditions make them moot, the deep superstitions rooted in these traditions have caused some families to be at odds with each other.

The đầy tháng birthday celebration is usually only attended by extended family. However, small packages of xoi (sweet sticky rice) and che dau (bean dessert) are put together for others that the family wants to share blessings with or that the family believes will bring honor and luck to the baby, depending on who you ask. So when another staff brought in the package for me on behalf of the new mother, I was surprised that she thought of me, not knowing of course what it meant other than that everyone knows I have a 'wicked sweet tooth'. Although we have such celebration in the United States, there are a number of traditions that get dropped. So I was not aware of how common the packages are. On my commute home from work, I had two people ask me if it was for đầy tháng, with a knowing smile. I'm not sure if that was because it was confirmation that I would bring luck to the baby given my success or that the family especially picked me to receive extra blessings.

 

Either way, I am honored and blessed.

medical tourism

If you have never heard of this concept, it is actually pretty phenomenal. There are a number of countries/cities in the world that have built a full service tourism around its medical practices. The draw is both for financial reasons as well as quality. In the past, it was the wealthy from the third world countries that would travel to developed countries for quality health care. However, it has evolved to third world countries spending billions to develop this industry. Tourist companies have also provided full travel packages including after-care facilities and services.

Brumrungrad International Hospital in Bangkok is well renowned with top of the line machinery and practitioners who have studied in the top rated medical schools around the world. Many expats in Asia travel to Bangkok for their annual physical as the hospital offers a full comprehensive package. Historically, patients came for elective surgeries such as cosmetic surgeries; however, they are now top for critical surgical practices such as cardiac surgeries.

Brumrungrad is also a well oiled machine in processing patients from start to finish. Appointments can be made online. They have translators for most languages. Patients are processed timely with medical bracelets through the various medical centers on premise. The hospital rooms are like hotel rooms with flat screen TVs, modern furniture and kitchenette. After-care also includes Skype or FaceTime with medical practitioners.

For Americans, the incentive includes medical practices that have not been FDA approved but are legal in other countries. The costs for travel, hospital, after-care and some vacation are many times equal or less than the costs to do it in the U.S. The risks usually relates to the ongoing check-ups, after-care, legal issues, etc. However, in many cases, the pros outweigh the cons.