synchronicity (part 3)

Before CoVID, my plans were to relocate to Asia and explore what the culture, people and random experiences had to offer. As we are getting back to a new normal, I knew it was time to write my next chapter. The months in Asia were healing to my soul, but as I was told, Asia is my place to recharge but it isn't my 'home'. 

In seeing the amalgamation of past partners in synchronicity (part 2), I knew it was the final molt for many recurring themes, and in the honor of self-love, I intentionally put her into hibernation to focus on deep connections and community, with the Earth, with my love ones, with my pup ... and for once, creating a 'home' rather than searching to belong. After months of house hunting and exploring many possibilities, the universe somehow felt it was time and showed an opportunity that made the dream of community become real. On the eve of the close, I am overwhelmed with excitement, yet with all the coordination to get things lined up for the close, I was struck with the knowing that the excitement was not solely pinpointed to Cary.

It has been almost 20 years, and catching up with an ex-colleague was a great distraction from the hustle and bustle of the pre-close activities. He's European so the offer of his hand to shake had me giggling inside, a reminder of my progress in the art of hugs (moments that matter (part 4)). Individually, I believe our comportments and discussions did not belie the intent of the get-together. As we were walking out, though, the energy made me feel as if it was more, perhaps I was just excited to have an intellectual conversation, something my brain had been craving.

For a few months, my body has felt 'off'. I couldn't quite place the source, but when I got my package from Agent Provocateur, for the first time, I wasn't excited about trying anything on, so for months, they have sat in the box in my bathroom, untouched. Today, I felt inspired and once the bejeweled set touched my skin and clasped around my neck, it was like being bound with the familiarity of shibari (saudade (part 5)). Waves of energy rushed over me, knowing that the 'off' was her crying to be seen and not hidden (hide 'n seek). Like a snake coiled up in my belly, it felt as if my kundalini was rousing.

Rather than the 'snippets' throughout the years (self-love), it feels a lot as if I'm looking into the mirror, down to our appreciation of twilight, and for the first time, the reflection back is how I see myself, truly being seen and understood (taxing time, saudade (part 4), and self-love). A forever wanting yet the foreign feeling felt a bit scary, that "should be comforting and arousing". When he noted that I "just [wasn't] ready back then 🤣", it made me think of the timing of twin flames and the concept of separations. From the ache that is still in my belly, that I still can't seem to exorcise even hours later, it's clear that she is looking forward to 'Christian Grey' and the Red Room (laying on of hands).

synchronicity (part 2)

 "The more validation I need, the less discernment I have."

~ Kurt Hanks 

This excursion never really had a 'honeymoon' period, tumbling right into a trigger on the first date that allowed me to heal from a similar experience almost a year before (11:11 (part 14)). With the intention of walking into this journey with a 'friend' to mirror and reflect on triggers that may come up to end patterns (saudade (part 5), bluebird, saudade (part 6), and patois), it seemed a bit quicker and easier to process and see the patterns from a different perspective, perhaps from a perceived trust built on friendship.

In what I felt was unlocking some part of me that allowed me to feel truly 'safe' with a man (bluebird) or to feel a deeper connection with someone who could read my body as I've only experienced with one other (bubble of bliss), I am wondering if that has more to do with my own growth and how I show up in connections, rather than someone providing such safety or awareness of my body.

Similar to calming the mind, the universe opens up doors and opportunities that quickly usher me along, reminding me to keep moving and growing. Yet, there was a final lesson to be learned, something that has been on the perimeter of my journey since consciously starting this exploration in 2016. 

I realized that he represented aspects of others before him - from seeing white (part 2), who surrounded himself with 'friends' whom he never felt comfortable being himself, numbing themselves and judging others, to bubble of bliss, who in the end, let life jade him to be a shadow of who he once was, putting up walls so as not to ever connect with someone at a deep level again (weightless). While the former 'ghosted', he showed up months later (supernova), explaining that being in a container where he felt safe being himself showed him a side of himself that made him realize how unhappy he was and the choices he had made, which caused him to run as he chose 'ignorance' rather than 'bliss'. While he has shown up again a time or two over the years, it is with the same energy of some nostalgia of what could have been had he been more courageous and how deep he has gotten with the ongoing decisions in his life that have brought him more shame and/or have made him a complete stranger to himself.

While it saddens me that a 'friend' wouldn't communicate that he wasn't courageous enough or ready for the growth, he was also choosing to repeat patterns of masterminding his friends to validate his choices in life. While I had created nicknames in the past so that friends wouldn't negatively judge people I dated if they ever meet them (missing in action), his approach was to get validation by demonizing his partners, reminiscent of my first (moments that matter (part 6)). Unfortunately, that forces him into a corner where he cannot be present with positive energy of working things out with his partner, without clarifying his prior actions based on untruths to others, when he is fearful of his friends judging him for staying in what they perceived to be 'toxic', his own creation.

The self-sabotage that went on for months created chaos/drama that was futile. Ultimately, he could not own his own decision and actions and felt the need to create situations that forced him into it, so as not to be accountable to himself for his own self-harm. In closing my patterns though, I know I showed up authentically and lovingly. I was able to work through old patterns with the discernment to change behaviors. More importantly, breaking another pattern I had fallen into in the past, I also do not feel any 'guilt' for feeling as if I gave up on someone - he gave up on himself.

There seems to have been a shift since spiritual masters, whereby incorporating the universal law of vibration with the universal law of attraction, I realize that another pattern I choose to change is trying to be 'heard' or 'not handicapped'. Seeing the lengths he went through to numb emotions allowed me to truly reflect on my growth in the last few years as I connect with mine, honing in on my understanding of the breadth and complexities of them to let my higher self/intuition guide me. People will treat me the way they want to treat me. My power is whether I let them do so. I can pinpoint to the exact time where I felt a shift in his energy. It was palpable although we were thousands of miles apart. Yet, I allowed him to make me question the negative vibrations I was feeling, rather than choosing to focus on activities that made me feel 'good' and repelling the negativity. Subconsciously, even my body was rejecting by pushing him out and off, when he tried to make our sex transactional, despite him mistakenly thinking it was due to orgasms.

When someone self-sabotages because our 'closeness' was scaring him, the only thing left for me to feel is compassion for him by sending him a lot of positive vibrations for his journey, as authentic connections is what makes life worth living. It probably doesn't bode well for any type of 'interaction' when our astrological chart notes:

"You and [BDC] have an unusually strong connection. Even if there are other tensions between you - there's an aspect of the connection that is especially enjoyable and probably makes both of you feel more confident.

You and [BDC] might feel closer to each other than you do with other friends."

~ The Pattern 

While I may listen to the universe (or 'be one with the mountain'), it isn't everyone's journey. In reconnecting with an ex last night, with my recently learnt boundaries established, we were able to explain his initial reaction to me that we couldn't explain other than perhaps residual 'past life karma'. Much like BDC, his irritation was due to the significant gap in our vibrations, and he was subconsciously threatened by the higher vibration, given where he was in his life at the time (11:11 (part 11)).

I am excited at my progress, while not always smooth, has been rewarding, especially to set me up for me to embrace my true calling in life...to just experience, which has come up in QHHT as well as a friend's channeling. My partners are also elevating in our compatibility from 'Meaningful' to 'Extraordinary'.

"Your destiny is to be able to relax and enjoy your life without guilt. Try to immerse yourself in things that feel good and to savor your experiences. It's okay to be on the receiving end in life; learn to appreciate your patience and ability to stay present in the moment. You may have artistic tendencies and you certainly have excellent taste, whether it's in food, people, clothes, or art. It's important to carve out time for yourself and engage your senses.

In your relationship experiences, you may end up with or expect partners who are out of the ordinary. The average type won't do. You tend to go for unconventional, rebellious, or extremely intelligent people."

~ The Pattern

* * * * *

Update April 24, 2023:

After asking an ex if he remembered 11:11 (part 11), I received the following, a reminder that everyone's journey has its own timing and small actions/moments that may seem inconsequential may have lasting ripple effects in someone's life.

"Yes, I certainly do remember. Reading this made me cry, and I wanted to stop after I knew what it was, but I realized instantly that this was a confirmation of why you're back in my life right now. I've had the best 7 days as of today [that] I've had since I moved here, doing all the things that make me most proud of myself without missing a beat. I have been working on radical self-forgiveness, knowing that forgiving myself for all the stuff with you would be the final box I'd eventually have to open. to be honest, it still scares me half to death to think about, but I can see that, likely without your [sic] even knowing, you're giving me opportunities to take it in small chunks. I have a lot of grieving to do before I can forgive myself, but thank you for sending me this."

spiritual masters

When I reflect upon the (wo)man in mirror, I am reminded of the many spiritual masters who have graced this planet and left tools for us to work through our individual journeys to a world of love. They all share the same message, just in different ways that hopefully will resonate with different people. In each of us is the Holy Spirit (our Higher Selves) that guides us, yet we have ancestral DNA and/or childhood traumas that put up barriers to us trusting ourselves.

When I started on the path of exploration of connecting with my body (face of the girl (part 2) and YUMmy), it did not come from a place of love but from a place of resentment and rebellion with a touch of the Italian chin flick to say 'I don't care'. In line with the Law of Cause and Effect, this brought on a lot of learnings that didn't necessarily come up in the most healthy ways but in searching for tools to process what bubbled up, the universe guided me towards a journey of spiritual awakening that finally had me tap into deeper learnings from early sources in my life like A Conversation with God (to err is human, to forgive, divine) or the Christian Bible that at the time, certain parts did not make a lot of sense.

"Spirituality is the path of the heart. It is the path of using the mind in a loving way. But in order to do this, we must discipline ourselves to do so because the world view, the mental filter, that dominates the planet is not a mental filter based on love. It is a mental filter that is based on fear. And so, '[A] Course in Miracles' [("ACIM")] tells us that even though we were born with the natural tendency to give and to receive love from a very early age, we are taught a world view that is not based on love and proactively, repudiates and resists love. As a consequence, [ACIM] says by the time we are pretty early age, that which is natural thinking actually feels unnatural to us. And that which is unnatural feels natural. so that we instinctively at this point go from the wrong-minded perception. We are instinctively lured and tempted towards the anger, towards the toughness, towards the separation, towards the attack and towards the defense. The spiritual journey is a dismantling of the thought system that dominates the world. [ACIM] says enlightenment is not a learning. It is an unlearning. It is an unlearning of perspective of fear and substituting instead the perspective of love, which is God's perspective, which is natural to who we are."

~ Marianne Williamson - How To Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

With that also came a number of people coming in and out of my orbit on their own spiritual journey. Yet similar to the sex positive community, I have discovered a lot of people who have used spirituality as a way to manipulate others and/or to self-declare that they are enlightened beings as if it is some special badge. Having fallen into the lure and sense of belonging that organized religion provides and the subsequent detrimental judgement and outcasting that brings on isolation and detachment, I have luckily been able to 'feel' those situations and not get too enmeshed. With the current political environment all over the world, the psychology behind cults have taken center stage with many saying that the followers have been brainwashed, implying that people can't think for themselves.

"The Secret" movie was created to share a universal law that isn't so secret and can even be found in ancient texts, including Matthew 21:22, to the masses. In what appears to be someone's moment of sales/get/scarcity mentality (looking out for self) rather than service/give/abundance mentality (looking out for others), Abraham Hicks was asked to give up their intellectual property or be removed from the production. Although contractually, they had a viable suit, they decided to walk the path of least resistance with the guidance from Abraham that says "Whenever you are given an ultimatum that says, 'if you don't do this, then we will have to do such and such,' it is best that you just let it go and move on. Otherwise, there is always another, and this, and this, and this?" Unfortunately, the critical moments that were scrapped also provided the context in utilizing Law of Attraction from a place of service rather than self, leaving "The Secret" to feel a lot about manifesting material attachments. Ironically, "The Secret" talks about knowledge being surpressed; however, by removing Abraham Hicks, they have further suppressed the "secret" by 'dumbing down' the guidance without the spiritual context.

In both the sex positive and spiritual communities, I have witnessed how words like 'consent', 'compersion', 'law of attraction', 'manifestation', 'nonviolent communications', 'high vibrational people', etc. have been used in vain and becomes back-handed judgements to further isolate people (into fear) rather than support a sense of belonging (into love). If someone doesn't have money flowing towards them, it is perceived as the person having a lot of blockages and therefore, unable to manifest money. Yet in the spirit of the Law of Attraction, manifesting for the ego is the antithesis to coming from a place of love.

"Language is a leader's charisma. It's what empowers them to create a mini universe - a system of values and truths - and then compel their followers to heed its rules...Without language, there are no 'cults'...But with a glimmer of willingness, language can do so much to squash independent thinking, obscure truths, encourage confirmation bias, and emotionally charge experiences such that no other way of life seems possible."

~ Amanda Montell (Daily Beast, June 27, 2021) 

While there isn't an overarching leader, the New Age movement that has people migrating to Tulum, Bali or Hawaii has quite the cult following, including various sects with defined leaders like The Miracle School where leaders have been accused of abusing their power and manipulating followers for perverse goals. Many of these sects work much like a Ponzi scheme, encouraging followers to recruit others to create their own mini-community. Followers feel judged and shamed for not 'doing the work' to gain some magical enlightenment. I have found that many, in and out of these mini-communities, profess to have gifts like channeling, energy work, past lives readings, etc. One day they may be talking about their traumas, and the next they have 'fixed' all their traumas and are now providing these 'magical' services, claiming that they are coming from a place of love and light, yet watching them in their everyday interactions indicate otherwise. 

Talking about how they only hang out with 'high vibe' people or stating that they don't attract drama at the same time that they are implying that you are bringing the drama into their lives or claiming that their negative reaction to you was a response based on the energy that they supposedly saw coming from you ... seems like a lot of gaslighting, projection and lack of awareness that they are the other side of that equation that they are not taking the responsibility for their own actions/reactions as they talk down to you from their pedestal of 'light worker' and violating your energy and/or manipulating and silencing you by stating that they supposedly can see that your energy does not come from love, despite you knowing otherwise. Jesus did not 'boast' about being the son of God and all his 'magical' gifts when he was washing the feet of his disciples. He did not claim that someone's truth wasn't true. The gifts are all in us, and as with such powers come responsibility and morals to use them ethically. Consent is not only a term in the sexual realm but also in the spiritual to not violate someone's energy.  As Montell notes, stating something that cannot be validated such as what one perceives as another's energy or motivation without considering one's filter and confirmation bias can be damaging and toxic in a community where others have suspended independent thinking and follow the majority.

Much like reclaiming the cunt (part 1) and a box of crayons, alarm bells started ringing in my ears when someone yesterday made reference to ACIM seemingly to validate her point of view that people are responsible for going through their own journey without anyone sharing their experiences for the person to make a more informed decision and/or so the person can learn from others' experiences, lest it takes away their free will. When she brought up the analogy, she seemed to be confusing the not being able to make a horse drink with not even leading the horse to water, implying that none of it was our responsibility. This didn't seem aligned to my current experience with the teachings emphasizing that we are here to be of service to others and look out for each other, as we are all connected. While a horse may be responsible for drinking the water, the collective can at least step in to lead the horse to water and guide it in how to satiate its thirst. 

This concept of letting people fend for themselves is quite like the mindset of some women and minorities in Corporate America that feel as if someone has to go through the same trials and tribulations to get to the top rather than paving the way for others and mentoring them. There is a saying of the collective consciousness, "I heal you, I heal myself. I heal me, I heal you." Rather than having a healthy debate, any counter thought was quickly dismissed. When the herd mentality kicks in, the one who dares to check in with his/her self is left isolated. Unfortunately, that little girl teared up in her frustration and found herself apologizing, when nobody should apologize for sticking to their truths (saudade (part 4)).

In the past, these moments of un-ease would have me in my head all night, questioning everything. But somewhere in the discomfort, I had passed out and while I know I dreamt, I couldn't remember any specifics but it was the calm knowing that caused me to wake up with a big smile on my face this morning. I re-listened to Williamson's livestream yesterday, and although it seemed to just be information to absorb yesterday, her words today only reinforced that knowing that I woke up with. While many of the New Agers focus on the concept of taking responsibility for our own healing, they have neglected the collective conscious. She emphasizes that we can misuse the mind but we cannot 'obliterate the eternal connection'. While some in the herd want to hang out in neutral territory, ACIM, according to Williamson, says that there are no neutral thoughts. If we are not creating light, then darkness will creep in. She notes that good intentions are not enough, providing the analogy that one shouldn't just let a person shoot heroin, thinking that the person will have a lot of time to figure it out themselves. We have things to teach each other, and ACIM points out that each of us are only a half step ahead or behind each other. So if whoever we may teach (or demonstrate to) is only a half step behind us; if we weren't as far back as we are, who would demonstrate to that person otherwise?

Another tell of the gifts being misused was when she had disclosed only a few hours before she referenced ACIM to supposedly validate her point that she hadn't and didn't feel the need to read ACIM, perhaps implying that she already knew its wisdom. Williamson often points out that she has been studying it since the 1970s and still views herself as a pupil in its application. I realized how much someone's ego can quickly have me retraining my muscle memory, honing in on my intuition and trusting my self. For the same reason why I read the Bible (cover to cover) so that I could call into question how many misquote/misuse the Bible for selfish reasons, this has just boost my conviction to complete ACIM.

It is akin to being able to quickly suss out whether someone was truly informed and had watched the entire Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial, or whether he/she took snippets of testimony played in mainstream media, completely missing the context where the witness committed perjury, highlighting that person's inauthenticity and ignorance.

While I may not be on Lesson 137, it didn't take long for me to find at least one of the teachings on this very topic (emphasis added):

"When I am healed, I am not healed alone...

8. Healing is freedom. For it demonstrates that dreams will not prevail against the truth. Healing is shared. And by this attribute it proves that laws unlike the ones which hold sickness is inevitable are more potent than their sickly opposites. Healing is strength. For by its gentle hand is weakness overcome, and minds that were walled off within a body free to join with other minds, to be forever strong...

10. And as you let yourself be healed, you see all those around you, or who crossed your mind, or whom you touch or those who seem to have no contact with you, healed along with you. Perhaps you will not recognize them all, nor realize how great your offering to all the world, when you let healing come to you. But you are never healed alone. And legions upon legions will receive the gift that you receive when you are healed.

11. Those who are healed become the instruments of healing. Nor does the time elapse between the instant they are healed, and all the grace of healing it is given them to give. What is opposed to God does not exist, and who accepts it not within his mind becomes a haven where the weary can remain to rest. For here is truth bestowed, and here are all illusions brought to truth...

 14. Yet must we be prepared for such a gift. And so we will begin the day with this, and give ten minutes to these thoughts with which we will conclude today at night as well:

'When I am healed I am not healed alone. And I would share my healing with the world, that sickness may be banished from the mind of God's one Son, Who is my only Self.'"

~ ACIM - Lesson 137 

As with Abraham Hicks, this post serves as my choosing to let that negative energy go and move on.

* * * * *

Update September 22, 2022:

Similar to Williamson's livestream, when my friend recited this quote to me yesterday, it didn't hit me as much as when I heard it again the next day after an experience has worked through me. So it is not coincidence when this popped up in my Insight Timer this morning:

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

~ Mark Twain

Our neighbor asked me this morning about the guest. When she asked how it was going? I knew that she knew. She had picked up negative energy from the person and had told her husband that she did not want to be around that. As she had been going through her own trauma healing, she has been careful about who she allows into her world. It feels empowering when I shift my perspective (as Williamson deems 'miracle') and realize that isolation is always an amazing place to be when we stay true to ourselves and to God.

hot pockets

Kehena Black Sand Beach

The first time I went to a nude/topless optional beach was in Greece when my friend and I were meeting a B-school classmate in his home country. Unfamiliar with the local customs, we didn't find out until later that it is legal to go topless at all beaches in Greece, and while a conservative country with its religious affiliations, naturism has popped up at unofficial spots throughout the country and surrounding islands.

Typical American women in our 20s, we were fascinated by the Europeans' 'joie de vivre'. We spent countless minutes debating on whether we should or should not, especially since we were thousands of miles away from anyone we would know (other than our friend who was joining us later). Ultimately, we talked ourselves out of it. 

Soon thereafter, an elderly women laid her belongings near us and started to disrobe. Most likely, she was a bronzed goddess in her day and it was clear that she came from a time where SPF was not a factor in the fountain of youth. While buxom, gravity had taken its toll. In silence, we looked at each other and almost in synchrony reached back to untie our respective bikini tops. Later, in recounting the experience, we both realized that the woman had something that our womanhood craved...an air of confidence that nobody could ever touch.

After swimming in the ocean and feeling the movement of the water against my sensitive nipples, I felt such a sense of liberation and perhaps for the first time, the possibilities of where my body would take me if I let it. Unfortunately, our 'prudish upbringing' had us covering up before our friend joined us. While I have been on clothing-optional beaches since then, I stayed in conformity with my fellow companions.

The Pahoa area is a bit of the Wild West where people live off grid and seemingly no rules. At the top of the cliff are ad hoc food vendors, offering fruit and some grilled meats off the back of the trucks, a front for a side business offering herbal and plant medicine.

coconut refreshment

Unlike other clothing optional beaches I have gone to over the years, Kehena Beach was the first one where it seemed completely judgement free, regardless of whether one chose naturism, fully clothed and all variations in between. Children and pets, including chickens, were welcomed, and although there was no trash repositories anywhere, everyone embraced the Burning Man principle of 'leaving no trace' (rub-a-dub-dub). 

On Sundays, there is an amazing improv drum circle that resonates primitive sacral beats against the roaring of the surf. The energy of the place (a likely combination of Mother Nature and the inhabitants) felt different from saudade (part 2), perhaps laced with that air the Greek woman exuded. It was still there today even without the frivolity of the drum circle.

My first time a few weeks ago, I once again found myself falling into stride with my companion. Perhaps in rebellion of her judgments against women in alternative lifestyles and/or perhaps entranced by the primal movements of an African man with a body of Adonis, I felt the siren song of the elderly Greek woman from decades before. Although out of politeness, I asked my companion a few weeks ago and my companion today if they would be uncomfortable, it was more a gesture of formality. 

The last few years of exploration has gotten me more comfortable in my own skin. As I embraced that air that is untouchable today, I find myself wondering how the Greek woman's story unfolded and how her journey got her to place where her aura touched two strangers, and left a mark on at least one.

* * * * *

Lava a few stories deep

Along the road to Kehena Beach is a juxtaposition of the dense forest and the barren black, a souvenir from the last eruption at Kīlauea's east rift zone in 2018. At the east side of Pohoiki Bay is where the new meets the old as the lava was halted by the coolness of the ocean waters, about 200 yards from the Isaac Hale Beach Park parking lot. Now cut off from Kapoho Bay and Leilani Estates, this part of the world is a bit remote but a little persistence and a beautiful surprise awaits amongst the lava rocks.

Unlike other hot springs on the mainland, the hot ponds at Pohoiki is clear and is trapped by the surrounding black sand or lava rocks created from the ocean currents inundating the bay with sediment from past eruptions. The water is heated underground by the active volcano and is released in various vents. The pond furthest from the ocean is the hottest and has registered temperatures as hot as 106 degrees, rising since 2020, which some believe are due to the brackish salt-water that has changed the water table underground, elevating the fresh-water to higher temperatures. The tides also seem to influence the temperatures throughout the day.

While not quite the texture of pumice stones, the lava rocks provided a decent alternative to exfoliation, and an impromptu soak in the hot ponds provided by Pele with the minerals from Papa or Ka-luahine was a beautiful way to end the day. We also met a lovely blue heeler named Kiko who amazingly was not deterred by the heated ponds, playing catch with me while her master floated in the pond.

* * * * *

Perhaps supercharged from the vibrations of the Earth, an inexplicable incident occurred as we stepped into the Thai restaurant in Pāhoa that evening. Another patron and my friend recognized each other from the hot ponds. I didn't quite connect the gentleman but maybe he was the person I clambered passed as we got to the smaller but hotter pond amongst the trees. I only saw his back as he was sitting, gathering his things. 

He was seated facing the windows while reading his book, waiting for his order. As the night progressed, I felt this pull on the left side of my body, which was facing him although he was not in my line of sight. I'm not sure when I made the recognition that it may have been attributed to him, but as my friend chatted with him on the way back from the restroom, I started to clean out my inbox on my phone, when I came across the word from a listing from the Redfin email at the same time he named the town he was staying in on the island...Pepeekeo. The first time I had seen or heard it, a mere five minutes from our rental.

Hesitant to voice it but driven to acknowledge it, I mentioned the strange feeling in my body and the simultaneous visual and auditory echoing of his town. Even as I put words to it, my throat started to constrict. I don't know when he left but I felt it as my body slowly released the tension. It was as if there is a knowing of his energy, perchance from another life or a foreboding or sanguinity yet to be fulfilled. I knew it was not the last time I would see Matt.

saudade (part 2)

I don't know when it started but the beach has provided me solace for a long time. The deafening roar of the surf, the misty sea-spray of the crashing waves, the abrading grit of the sand, the glistening sparkles of the aquamarine water, the gentle whispers of the salty breeze and the songs of the local inhabitants in the air, land and see inundates all the senses.

Perhaps suggested from "Footprints in the Sand" as a child 'bussed off' to weekly Sunday School, I would periodically visualize walking along the shore hand in hand with a taller gentleman during code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123), although throughout my life, the image would oscillate with me leaning back on some stronger, protective presence, his arms embracing me, with the rising or setting sun illuminating us. Touch...before learning the love language (full circle (part 9), modern love), it provided so much more, with the presence of safety, trust, nurturing and ... 'je ne sais quoi' ... everything. I felt a flash of that re-membering in a bubble of bliss.

During my travels, I have turned to the shore during moments that I needed a reminder and recharge of my energy and essence, sitting for moments with eyes closed absorbing the warm embrace from the coupling of the sun (masculine)/moon (feminine) and the wind as a gentle caress, visualizing touch. Despite my Virgo Sun (earth), Sagittarius Moon (fire) and Metal (Gold) Pig (face of the girl (part 1), trifecta) I have been told by various 'seers' that there is a lot of the flighty air in me and that it would take a partner that could bring me down to the Earth to ground me and balance that energy. While I always felt grounded after my moments on the beaches, I often times felt an air of bittersweetness...was that a trait of the Metal Pig or a precursor to saudade?

As noted in saudade (part 1), I was not prepared when Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode 4) found herself in the outdoor marketplace talking to friends who were no longer there, with the scene showing the first flashbacks to the young girl sitting on the beach with the setting sun and counting. The body has a way of keeping score and I found the tears well up and fall without initially understanding the emotions behind the trigger. Fear, loneliness, perhaps a smidgeon of abandonment...yet, when Ri Jeong-Hyeok raised his arm with a candle as a beacon of light beckoning the little girl home, the breath I finally released was quickly followed by incontrollable sobs. I had to pause the series to let my body release what the little girl had buried all these years.

I had known about the incident in elementary school when I waited for hours to be picked up from school, but it was a story with no actual memories (ftale, moments that matter (part 1)). As with safe haven, my body knew something my conscious mind did not. Over the remaining episodes, it unfolds that the little girl on the beach came with her stepmother and was instructed to wait while her stepmother went to find them something to drink. After a spell, she starts counting, trying to convince herself that her stepmother will be back by the time she gets to 100; however, when she gets to 99, she restarts the count. Strangers eventually find her passed out on the beach.

As with standing taller, Se-Ri's stepmother, much like my mother, was experiencing her own unhappiness, and struggled with a daughter who reflected someone that they were not and exhibited innocence and kindness that they didn't believe they deserved. By the time I got to the same scene in the marketplace the second time I binge watched the series, my subconscious had released snippets of the repressed memories of the little girl, who was at Southside Elementary and had assured the last adult to leave the building, perhaps a teacher, that one of my parents was on his/her way to pick me up.

As the sky turned darker, I also had told myself stories as to why no-one had come yet as I looked out at the empty parking lot, with my heart skipping a beat each time I saw headlights in the distance only to experience a dash of disappointed which I quickly pushed away when the car(s) kept driving past me. Like Se-Ri on her hospital bed after listening to her mother's recorded musings of regrets (CLoY - Episode 14), I have been able to reflect on the event from the perspective of my parents (full circle (part 8)), who as immigrants, were working overtime or going to night school in order to better their lot in life, and as with any other day, were banking on their children getting home via the reliable school bus, forgetting the extracurricular activities that kept one at school.

Be that as it may, who would that child be today had she experienced those moments from the perspective of the universe rather than that from a girl with all the hope, trust and love from the innocence of the womb, feeling like she had to apologize for being born, much like Se-Ri? Perhaps much of the tears were less for the memories but for the grief of a childhood that should have been.

self-care is self-love

I have found myself keeping busy during this unusual time with a lot of learning, that serendipitously spills into focusing on many things I have neglected for long stretches of time my whole life. It started with identifying two areas of focus in my Women's Health class that I wanted to focus and track my progress during the semester: skincare and meditation. The reminder of journaling my progress as a report card of myself had me establish a routine, something I have not prioritized in my life.

The focus on skincare with the overlap of my Genetics class had me researching cell repair, which led me to micronutrients and supplements as well as quality sleep. This, in turn, led me to separating my sleep environment from everyday life, something so easy to disregard during this period of social distancing. I have experimented with other practices, like shutting out natural sun, steam milk with essential amino acids, 7-minute HIIT/yoga and playing with the "kitty," as factors to improve sleep quality. Meditation led me to additional courses on Buddhism and the science behind well-being practices such as savoring, gratitude, kindness, and quality sleep.

During one of my meditation practices, the focus was to feel our bodies and the sensations and/or messages from thoughts that enter our minds. I do not remember what the guide said to trigger the thought of him, but I do remember the reaction of my body with the sensations centralized from my heart chakra and expanding. It felt a lot like the release from the sound healing meditation (sound bath), as tears just flowed down my face. He has been present for a few of my meditation practices, of late.

For the denouement of my Science of Well-being class, I had chosen sleep quality to be more mindful and journal about. Using a Sleep Cycle, an application, to track the factors leading up to that night as well as calculating my quality sleep made it easy to document any observations or patterns. However, in the last few days, I have realized that it misses the quality of my dreams. A couple of nights ago, I had the unusual experience of waking up a few times after some vivid dreams. He was in each one and each dream was different, not picking up where it left off. The only obvious overlapping theme was that he was in them and our lives seemed to be enmeshed, his knowing my friends from this lifetime and my knowing his friends whom I have never met in this lifetime. Perhaps they were memories from other lifetimes with similar soul mates with soul contracts in our lives. 

I finally forced myself to get out of bed, thinking that I had a restless night with all the sleep interruptions; only to be surprised to find that my quality sleep registered at 88%, possibly the second highest I have seen in the few times I have used the app (a few spotty times 3-4 years ago and a few times recently for this assignment). Perhaps from the stress in prior years and the irregular sleep schedule recently, my sleep quality seems to hover between 35%-75%. That night, I had registered 6 REM cycles, and at the time, I could recount the flashes of dreams for each of those cycles. I was grateful though for the gift.

This morning I woke up to similar sensations as that of the sound healing meditation and the recent meditation practice of feeling the body's reaction. For a fleeting moment I was torn whether to turn over and try to go back to sleep, and decided that the feeling was a great way to start the day especially since I did not feel tired, only to find that it was 6:59AM at 34% sleep quality and only 3 sleep cycles in less than 3 hours. Human apps have not figured out how to track the quality of non-3D experiences. Perhaps one day.

The visuals, and the knowing, of watching my "special" child with her courage and bravery, commingled with frivolity, feeling the support and love of who I am, and all those lives we have touched, with him watching me as I watched the child we have created and nurtured...

...so this is what true happiness feels like.

modern love

I wonder how we will remember this moment in time, sort of like where were you when 9/11 happened. Yet for New Yorkers, it wasn't just one moment but a new normal that changed us forever, perhaps for the better in our kindness, resiliency and compassion.

In the last few months, I have noticed how my YouTube feed/recommendations have been sending me messages from my spirit guides/universe for not just me but for others in my life, which has been very serendipitous in its timing. I have often thought of this blog and whether I should get back to it after pausing for "life drains" and somehow there didn't seem to be lessons or meaningful insights to share until today.

I've never heard of the Modern Love series in The New York Times but it seems as if they have videos and podcasts as its companions. I wasn't sure what to expect when I clicked on A Kiss, Deferred. Given our social distancing new normal, touch and intimacy seems so far away especially for someone whose love language includes physical touch and quality time.

While the article was more in depth, the cliffhanger left people wanting. However, I like that the story stops there for people to imagine the possibilities. On both YouTube and The New York Times, the beautiful part was others sharing their stories of lost loves or those beautiful moments that they hold  onto in stressful or sad times. It made me think of Toby (unsent letters (part 1) and moments that matter (part 1)) and him who has inundated this blog (full circle (part 1), the truth shall set you free, and all posts in between).

Toby helped me through childhood, and he has helped me through adulthood.

We were strangers. We would not have recognized each other on the street. Yet we understood something about each other that no one else did or could...

Some of my memories had faded. Others were so vivid I feared I had invented them, but he remembered many of the same things, and just differently enough to make my own memories even more real.

~ Nikolini Kulidzan, The New York Times 7/30/15

I had taken a pause for a period in our lives and in the silence, I am sure he knew why. As a moth to a flame or knowing one's foundation or home, it felt right to have reached out again recently especially during this global pandemic to know that we are not alone and that life is sometimes just deferred.

small packages

Although it was the smallest of the festivals that I have attended, it was definitely the most magical. Everywhere I looked, there were people I consider my tribe. We started with an opening ceremony and ended with a closing ceremony, setting our intentions and expanding our collective hearts.

After months of lows culminating in a walk in the darkness of the city, coming full circle to code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123), a place I had thought I would never find myself again, I found myself struggling with the knowledge of multiple past lives with a particular soul and our purpose in this life. After many attempts at 'clean slates,' it seemed as if we had hit an impasse. Perhaps it was the energy or the love and support from our extended 'family members' or a culmination of so many 'wants' that he found himself able to 'observe' rather than 'act' (Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself - How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Joe Dispenza).

I found myself connecting with people I had not connected with before although we were always in each other's orbits. Sometimes it amazes me when and who a person shares his/her vulnerable parts. While I still do not have an answer to my question, I was blessed with the magic of healing where my stories and struggles may have had an impact in others finding their answers. Then again, perhaps I did get my answer and have to be patient and appreciate the clouds before the wind blows it to show the clear blue skies.

three of swords

Tarot cards origination started in mid 15th century as another type of recreational playing cards. Sometime in the 18th century, tarot cards took on an air of mysticism and were used for divination and occult practices. Since expanding my understanding of spirituality and New Age concepts, like astrology and numerology (trifecta), I have crossed paths with the tarot world and its magic. I used to think that a good tarot reading is primarily based on the expertise of the practitioner, yet my recent experience and understanding of energy and spirit guides including my Higher Self has taught me that the reading is personal to what resonates and based on the energy and intentions one puts into the reading. Some believe that one's first tarot deck should be gifted yet others believe that since the energy and connection to a deck is personal to an individual, the person should pick a deck that 'feels right'.

A friend hosted a Gift Practice party, whereby people could give and receive various fields or techniques that one was learning, such as yoga, Sat Nam Rasayan healing, tarot/natal chart reading, reiki, deep listening, ayurveda, zero-waste inspirations, meditation and heart-centered hugs. Although I had a specific question given the deeply personal challenges that were occupying much of my energy of late, I opted for a general reading, which turned out to be specific to my question.

While she has been gifted other decks, her preference is the Gilded Tarot, which has rich, bold colors designed by Ciro Marchetti. The simple five-card spread starts with the foundation card, which defines the reason or the topic for the reading. The middle one though identifies how the person truly feels about the topic, whether hopes or fears. The right and left ones highlight the helpful and challenging energies, respectively, while the top is the outcome or advice card.

The last month has had a lot of ups and downs, more of the latter than the former. My present and outcome were shrouded in mystery with the Moon and High Priestess. The Moon notes that not everything is as it seems and to not make hasty decisions, especially in light of my current thoughts of a broken heart, signified by the Three of Swords. With the combination of the High Priestess, I am to trust in and follow my intuition and be patient as events unfold, usually to my benefit. The Ace of Cups reminds me of my intention of experiencing unconditional love, and in the current situation, possible new beginnings based on unconditional love with emotional happiness. With the Queen of Swords in reverse though, my challenge is being caught up with the emotions from a hurt heart and wounded ego rather than approaching the situation more objectively and from a place of love.

With other readings for others and shuffles in between, his generic reading had more than a touch of synchronicity. Three of Swords is how we are both viewing and experiencing the  situation. In having to address some dark demons and childhood traumas, he is experiencing change and from a Knight of Wands that jumps into situations without much thought. He has struggled with not feeling grounded, having scattered thoughts and acting impetuously throughout his life. This has led him to the Five of Swords. In the helpful position, the unethical and sneaky nature resulted in an intervention, a mirror for him to see his deceptions that has caused hurt and trauma to those in his path. With the World as his 'challenge', the hard work will pay off, with no shortcuts to be had. While he has been impatient with his 'progress', his Spirit Guides gave him a sign that with patience and hard work, he will emerge victorious as the grounded and stable King of Pentacles.

The messages were congruent with our individual QHHT as well, with mine reminding me about my intuition and heart chakra of unconditional love and his reminding him that his ego and blocked solar plexus chakra will continue to block him from answers and his life purpose until he goes deep and does the hard work. Being tuned into the energy and magic of the universe, sometimes the signs are right in front of us to remind us that we are where we are supposed to be at the exact point in time.

hamster wheel

Convincing my mother to allow me to adopt one of the newborns from my teacher's children's hamster's batch of babies was probably my first lesson in negotiation skills (full circle (part 6)). One of the traumas in my life was experiencing the death of Fuzzy, which similar to full circle (part 4) resulted in my mother never allowing us to have any more pets.

Fuzzy was a gentle and loving soul. He allowed us to hold him in the palm of our hands and fall asleep while we caressed him. In hindsight, I realized that when I needed to feel love or calmness in my life, I would pick him up and hold him in such a way. For a period of my life, he was love in a world of loneliness.

At some point, I wanted Fuzzy to explore the world (of our house). I convinced my parents to get him a clear ball rather than the hamster wheel in his cage for him to run around and see different things. Perhaps his gentle spirit and having Fuzzy be one of the family resulted in his trip to run errands with my siblings and parents that ended up in his final moments without me.

In the last few months, it seemed as if the universe was giving me signs of my growth and progress. Perhaps I got too confident in the experiences that were being manifested. In a moment of truth, I finally saw how he saw me in relation to others in his life, and realized that my progress may have been a hallucination for me to have manifested someone who made me feel 'unworthy' in his eyes when I know I am not so. I now understand how Fuzzy felt in that plastic ball that allowed him to see different things but yet the reality is that he is still caged in a hamster ball and not truly running free.

triggering

It was with the intention from full circle (part 9) that I chose to approach 11:11 (part 11) from courage and vulnerability. Upon introspection from the experience in the Mojave, I realized that subconsciously I had been avoiding any reminders of my ex from moments that matter (part 6). My reaction seemed to not mirror the environment at the time perhaps from residual carryover.

In an inexplicable way though, we both seem to trigger each other for different reasons. However, I soon came to the conclusion that I am no longer that person and he is not my ex. This seemed to be the universe's calling for me to connect the dots and truly learn to balance my boundaries with unconditional love. 

Although I had moments of feeling exposed, I chose to push my comfort zones and be emotionally vulnerable. It was also my opportunity to experiment with my love language of touch with someone who spoke the same language. Feeling exposed though oftentimes left me confused. Listening to my gut and sitting in my discomfort, I voiced my confusion of trying to balance what I perceived as his need and want for intimacy with what I perceived as his desire to be free. The confusion was further exacerbated with my challenge to myself of being more intimate and letting someone in. Perhaps my actions that seemed monumental to me were not enough that would lead someone to misinterpret my actions and/or seek it from others.

It was interesting to later learn his Mars/Venus combination:

"You are not an easy lover to understand, however. You alternate between sexual adventurousness and vulnerability. Your lover will frequently wonder if it’s freedom you need most, or if closeness and intimacy are most important to you. The truth is, you need both, but it can be hard to know when you need what."

Cafe Astrology, Mars in Libra, Venus in Scorpio

During one of our 'painful' reconciliations, I experienced an intense déja vu moment where I knew I had dreamt or had visions of that exact moment. Normally, all of this would scare me and/or quickly validate reasons for me to walk away. Yet, I am a different person and rather found myself drawn like a moth to a flame.

When we were finally saying goodbye, in a moment of clarity, all I felt was love. 'I love you' does not come easily to me, even with family. Perhaps in my journey of unconditional love, it seemed so quick that I was surprised by the emotion. With the luck of fate, my voicemail did not go through and with another luck of fate, I had the opportunity to say it in person. I was initially reticent as I felt eyes burrowing onto me, but it was a door that I needed to walk through, and he made it easier when he embraced me as I said the words I needed to say. It was cathartic and genuine, and left my heart full, with no expected outcome.

We come from different worlds but have many similarities. Both of our Mars/Venus combinations note that we are both dichotomies, with balance of private and people persons, as well as warm and loving yet detached for different reasons, causing confusion for our partners.

"If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I. Then I am not I and you are not you."

Alan Watts

I believe we are both spiritual and courageous at this juncture in our lives to appreciate the triggers for the growth opportunities, so that I am I and he is he, and we both understand and appreciate the other for the polarity as we are on the same magnet - as spiritual beings having a human experience.

11:11 (part 11)

It was a weekend of firsts, camping out in the Mojave Desert with a 24-hour music festival. While he may have thought that he would be my guide, the universe had different plans. In an explosive moment, we both ended up crying for different reasons that had triggered us. 

While I do not feel as if I had hallucinations, I did lose sight of my space-time continuum whereby certain events seemed longer than reality and vice versa. As I laid staring at the open sky in the desert, I wondered if my journey will always be alone despite the best intentions of planning a trip sitter. It did not scare me in so much as I was resigned to my fate.

In retrieving the things I left behind, we crossed paths again, and it triggered hurt that I hadn't truly felt up to that point. Despite my attempts otherwise to release him from any obligations, he chose to stay. We finally went back to a story that he never fully relayed about unresolved things with his best friend. After working through it with a therapeutic cry, the universe gifted us with his best friend showing up with his girl to check in on us...the gesture, in and of itself, was the resolution they both needed.

Lo and behold, as we were all laying in the tent with our own cuddle party full of love with the deep beats of techno, it dawned on me that the best friend had found my LED-lit tutu which I had lost during my solo journey, and he had randomly found, not knowing it was mine. Yes, I still believe in magic and unexpected outcomes.

* * * * *

Update October 26, 2018:

I witnessed both 11:11 earlier, which made me smile. In processing the trigger from the weekend, I am left wondering what and why I am manifesting the relationship(s) before me. Then I happened upon:

"It's a long shot, but every so often sweet talk proves to be sincere. Just when you finally accept a hard truth, you might be presented with evidence that shows you something you thought too good to be true is very much real. However, all aspects of your life won't immediately fall into place. But this glimmer of magic demonstrates there's still a place in your world for faith, hope, and love. Manifestation is built on belief."

~ Yahoo, Virgo

Perhaps it may be the belief that I am a step closer, rather than a step backwards of feeling as if I am here to help others (stone skipping (part 12) and supernova) rather than myself.

"I just want to thank you again for everything this weekend. It changed my life, and you were an instrumental part of that process for me. I know you don't want me to say things I don't mean, but I love you, Trang. You're an amazing woman, and I'm so incredibly thankful for you and your contribution to my personal growth this weekend. Thank you again for coming. Those memories will last forever :)"

11:11 (part 10)

Since 9/11, I have made a pact with God and/or the universe that I would try to minimize overanalyzing things and embrace what was put in front of me (cougartown). That has how I have approached this trip to Italy with only a one-way ticket in hand. I was excited to see my 'baby sis' (from another mother and father), whom I have not seen since I repatriated. While I knew she had married an Italian, they are also living in Japan. In a moment of serendipity, they were visiting Italy for their first anniversary around the time I would be in the country.

When we finally connected, it was uncanny to find out that Valdobbiadene was the town they got married in a year before. The place that I had wanted to take them to after lunch (self service) turns out to be the spot that they took many of their wedding photos including one that she has posted as her Facebook profile picture that I had loved, and she reminded me and pointed out the spot which was less than 10 feet from where we were sitting. I happened to be in Vietnam last year during their wedding and had attended the wedding with her family via FaceTime. When she had said that they would meet me in Valdobbiadene, I had no idea that the place was of significance to them.

It was great to be able to finally meet the people who were part of the ceremony and/or behind the phone enabling us to participate. I have never seen her more confident or happy in life. When they asked if I would change my initial flight to spend more time together, I jumped at the opportunity and rolled the dice two hours before takeoff to make it happen. At some point, her husband decided to play matchmaker.

What I had thought was an initial joke as coordination to get a ring I had purchased but was getting resized in Padova turned out to be less so in pimping me out. Yet because I have an aversion to such machinations and to avoid repeating any drama from reclaiming the cunt (part 8), I have to admit to playing a bit ditsy at any attempts to get us alone. Perhaps as admiration for his repeated attempts and/or to give my friend some quality time with her husband before our flights the following day, I agreed to drinks after dinner.

Too many events in my life (the girl with the dragoon tattoo; when it rains, it pours; and 11:11 (part 4)) have occurred for me to believe that anything is coincidental. So when during our chat over Aperol spritz and prosecco, the topic of knowing the future and paths to follow naturally made me think of Sliding Doors. As I asked if he had seen the movie, he noted that he just brought it up in conversation during dinner. I missed it either while trying to pack at the same time or as they were discussing in Italian. While his point at dinner was that our decisions impact the paths our lives take and who we become, like the events of 22, it reminded me of the discussion with Jay, and I viewed it as a sign from my male spirit, taking away any hesitation on how the night would unfold (23 vs. 42).

At the beginning of the trip, one of my friends had messaged me to download Book Club to watch on my trip. I had forgotten about it until I saw it on the menu on my flight home. In one scene, Vivian (Jane Fonda's character) spouting an interpretation of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken," which sometimes, as is in my case, is erroneously referred to as "The Road Less Traveled".

It turns out that Frost wrote the poem facetiously for another poet (Edward Thomas), who oftentimes was indecisive, pondering the path to take in his life, and usually later lamenting that he should have taken the other one in hindsight. Many have interpreted that the road less traveled represents individualism. However, Frost has been known to correct people when they utter anything other than 'road' such as path, since roads are paved and man-made, suggesting that the road is not unique nor individual. Vivian's interpretation, which is supported by comments by Frost, is that both roads are actually the same.

"Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back."

Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken" (excerpt)

Upon looking back, both roads are comparable and equally untravelled, carpeted by newly fallen autumn leaves. Instead the poet has turned an 'impulsive' decision to follow the one that was perceived as less traveled into an intentional decision. While our decisions in life and the events beyond our control shape who we become, our lives unfold through conscious design that come from constructive narratives rather than dramatic actions.

The writer and director of Sliding Doors developed the storyline from a near death experience. As he was late in meeting a friend, he hesitated on running to catch the train or to simply call his friend from a public phone. On impulse, he ran across the street, nearly getting hit by a car. After talking about my brush with death during 9/11, my 'baby sis' shared a story where she almost got clocked by a car as well. We both commiserated on how those moments give us pause and end up shaping us more than we think. Gwyneth Paltrow received a note years later from someone who ran into her the morning of 9/11. Because of the celebrity sighting, the woman did not make the subway train that would have taken her into the World Trade Center at the time of impact.

In the end, we are shaped by our decisions and experiences. We choose how to react to every situation even those out of our control. As Frost notes, even knowing how things unfolded, I am such a different woman than whom I started that I would not want to double back and take another path. This takes me back to my views on Sliding Doors, which is regardless of our decisions, the universe has a way of directing us to become who we are meant to become, even if one road leads us to get there more quickly than the other, where fate and free will collides (22). 

So while my drinking companion, like Thomas, who at times tend to second guess his life decisions  and wanted to know his future as some form of assurance that things will turn out alright, we were both where we should have been at this point in time, regardless of whatever decisions we would or could have made in the past.

thelma & louise (part 1)

Over the weekend, I met Thelma, a hybrid of the Siberian Husky breed. Her mistress is named Louise, although her mistress' boyfriend was in charge of her for that weekend. She appeared gentle as she went from bar to bar, oftentimes just planting herself in the middle of the crowd and establishing herself as the center of attention. She seemed to ignore other dogs, especially the loud ones much smaller than her, and minded her own business, or rather having a mind of her own.

The next day, Paola and Valentina drove four hours to join us in Valdobbiadene. The two met more than 15 years before, and Paola is older than Valentina's mother. Yet, proving that soulmates come in all shapes, sizes and age, the two ladies have traveled together for years and have the most amazing stories of crashing private parties and meeting the rich and famous as if they belonged. One is a Virgo Sun and Libra Ascending while the other is a Libra Sun with Virgo Ascending. Paola is a designer and is the epitome of the Italian fashionista while Valentina is a singer who galavants and entertains throughout Europe.

Both document their lives via Instagram. Yet unlike others who create their lives via social media, they truly have a natural zest for life while living in the moment and following their dreams, engaging with anyone and everyone around them. They were both more about giving than receiving, including creating memorable moments for their loved ones. Their energy is contagious and even in the simplicity of wardrobe changes and taking pictures with them, it was more about having fun rather than looking for perfection.