barbie world

During my month in Bali, I traveled mostly with women in their 20s and 30s - all in the fitness industry, with most of them there for an aerialist training. Social media is a primary source of their livelihood, a medium to recruit clients to their OnlyFans or fitness profiles. The best editing apps or filters on Instagram or Tiktok were common topics. I found myself chronicling more of my travel on Instagram this time around, with friends encouraging me to do so as they enjoy keeping tabs on my experiences. 

It was interesting to learn the 'tricks of the trade' - the positions, the lighting, the angles, etc. that brings out one's best look. Perhaps at some point it becomes second nature but it seemed a lot of work to me, when it appeared to kill so much time getting the right Instagram photo or video. Everything was 'insta' - insta-weight loss, insta-abs, insta-booty, insta-contouring, insta-teeth whitener, insta-full lips ... 

In a world of insecurities, envy and FOMO, conforming to be the 'standard' or 'norm' was a rat race to the bottom of mental health. In Vietnam, I found myself being curious of establishments where I would see a number of people taking pictures as some memento, only to find out that there was nothing special about the place other than it being 'Instagrammable'. The Vibes is a multi-event venue that was designed specifically with this in mind. The atmosphere, the plating, etc. are photo-perfect but the food, drinks and service make it clear that what is reflected in the prices are the photo ops.

During my walks, I frequently ran into duos/trios with trash bags of clothes and jewelry, oftentimes with tags still on them, doing photo shoots with their smartphones. It reminded me of my time in Bali, spending time waiting for my travel companions to plan their daily outfits and/or hair and makeup. While we may all be aware of the filters and editing that goes on, we all seem to have some dissonance with the illusion and reality.

BDC (synchronicity (part 2)) would say that he preferred natural beauty yet he would also spend countless hours scrolling through social media or dating apps with FOMO of the illusory women. He had issues with partners, including me, on our wardrobe either not being sexy enough or too sexy. Despite his protests, I knew he had an issue with my age, and as with any of his other 'conquests', I was just a story for him. 

Being around the women on the other side of his screen, I found myself intrigued by that world. It was empowering that a woman could make over 100Gs catering to these men's delusions. Men paying to fly some of the OnlyFans women for a 'vacation' and yet somehow telling themselves and others that they don't pay for sex was an 'alternative fact'. He was convinced that when he paid for an OnlyFans person to rate his dick, it somehow was sincere and not canned, primarily because of a reference to a delay in doing so. They laughed and explained to me that it was part of their bag of tricks to add to the delusion.

I did find myself feeling self-conscious with his issue on my age as I was traveling with them. I tried the filters, which (perhaps the universe intervening) didn't work on my Instagram, and the photo edit apps that seemed to just be such time suckers to my being in the moment and experiencing Bali and its people. Clearly practice makes perfect as they seem to be able to do all of that much more efficiently, and I will have to say, the results were sometimes amazing. 

I think a healing moment for me though was when new friends (young 20s) were discussing the age of my travel companion who is in her late 30s and struggles with a lot of insecurities including body image. I was torn whether to remain silent or not. In the end, I spoke up, having to reveal my age to provide context and speak on her behalf. In the patriarchal world where men are admired for the 'salt and pepper looks', feminine empowerment should include women supporting each other (spiritual masters) as we are on a continuum of a similar aging cycle. They were humbled and had spoken boldly as they had made the assumption that I was just a bit older than them (early 30s). Age in the end is just a number that for many is used to 'bully' others into their insecurities.

Greta Gerwig's Barbie attempts interlace the zeitgeist of the modern era to redeem the unrealistic standard of perfection that added to the sexist and misogynistic view of women as 'eye-candy'. Having an existential crisis, Barbie enters the real world and somehow learns the importance of inner beauty. Over its six plus decades, Barbie has been revamped with various careers as some inspiration for girls; however, it took 57 years for its body shape to change in 2016. She is still Caucasian (the quest for snow white), despite a majority of the world being Asian. While Ken is just Ken, Barbie still epitomizes the expectation that a woman be 'everything' with stellar look, career woman, silent partner and perfect mother - all at the same time, feeding into the delusions of men like BDC and incels.

Barbie has Barbie learning about self-love and Ken learning self-awareness. While there are debates and cultural wars on this movie, it is more about humanism and the choices we have in life, including empowerment, and the choice of using it from love or from fear, including enabling illusions that keep us from our own truths.

stone skipping (part 12)

I originally signed up on Reddit a few years ago when the man I was dating was constantly on the site, and I wanted to understand what the hype was. I still did not grasp it and left my account dormant. However, I resurrected it a few months ago as my friend got a software engineering position there, and I really wanted to understand the projects that she was working on as well as the Reddit lingo that she was using.

For a couple of months, I would catch myself spending hours on it daily. Something about an anonymous forum where people can dispense opinions and advice seemed captivating. I learned some interesting things on Reddit but it became a complete time suck. I did find myself gravitating towards sex positive and/or dating advice forums.

While relationships of any fashion are complicated, the games, assumptions and expectations that people come in with yet seem incapable of active communication seem to just add fuel to the fire. In its pureness, pig in mud (part 5) is also working through old templates as well. Perhaps it was from the place of my own journey and understanding the importance of having even just one person believe in you and see you for the person you cannot see yourself (moments that matter (part 3)) or from the butterfly effect of a random stranger's gesture in hug it out that I focused my comments on the importance of confidence. Sometimes, I would have people reach out to me on their own issues, seeking advice, after seeing some random post I made.

My friend and I went to see the latest remake of A Star Is Born with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. We were both supposed to catch up on each other's lives over the last year but found ourselves lost in our own deep thoughts that were triggered from what we saw onscreen. It left me with an overall melancholy which I am processing. While Cooper's character (Jackson) gave Gaga's character (Alli) the love and confidence to propel her to greatness, it was also at the expense of himself and his own self-care.

I have not been on Reddit for a few months as I realized that it was an escape and disconnected me from the world of engaging with live people. Although I may be a natural introvert, my love languages of quality time and physical touch left me wanting. There are moments where Redditors will show gratitude to the immediate advice, but it is rare for someone to provide updates weeks or months later, especially how a few simple words may have made a lasting impact.

Shortly before I had signed off, I had received the following from someone who struggled with matching with someone whom she believed was her type. From my exploration to learn more about myself, I shared my learnings from face of the girl (part 1). 

"YOU!! I OWE YOU A HUGE THANK YOU!

You were right. I needed to change up what I was looking for. I had been too complacent and not focusing on finding guys that portrayed the qualities I was looking for in their pics. A week after I found a guy. He was swimming with sharks in his profile and I wouldn't have normally swiped because he only had one face shot. Turns out he's just as unphotogenic as I am. Now three weeks later I'm in a relationship with him and couldn't be happier. He can even keep up in bed it's amazing.

<3 BEST INTERNET ADVICE EVER! THANK YOU!!

/u/hardtopleeze, Reddit

In the same vein, this morning I woke up to a post on a thread that I have no recollection of whatever advice I may have provided. Yet it was kind of him months later to find the specific post and related comment thread to provide his update. Judging from his comments, it may have been in regards to being yourself and naturally you will find the person who will love you for your authentic self.

Apologies for not getting back sooner. 

I took your advice and asked her in a second date which went really well with only a slight awkward bump at the end (she was tipsy and misheard something I said). 

We went for date number 3 a week later and it was a complete sh1tshow - on exactly zero of the dates could I relax and be myself and I don’t blame her at all for saying at the end of #3 that she wasn’t interested. 

Weight came off my shoulders immediately - I texted her later that evening to thank her for giving us a chance and apologised for the guy she’d met which want the normal me. 

She was flattered at a couple of the comments I left with those parting remarks and I’m happy that it was left amicably. 

I beat myself up completely for a few weeks - friends commented that it wasn’t all my fault etc. but I still firmly believe that it was. 

I resigned myself to not dating for a while. 

Bizarrely at one of the lower points (and while a little too drunk) I signed up for a dating site and when I sobered up had a few matches and went on a couple of dates with varying degrees of success but nothing long term. 

Even more bizarrely I matched with the profile that I can only describe as being the most amazing person (on paper). 

Went for a sober dinner date thinking zero would happen and just happy to be not sitting home - had zero expectations so was just myself. Didn’t even try to kiss her goodnight. 

We texted when both home and I said I’d love a second date - and she agreed for some reason! 

Date #2 went even better - both sober as driving 

She would be very pushy normally professionally and socially but, at short notice, we had date #3 during this week at a local cultural event I was invited to (her sober but I had a couple). 

We’ve arranged to meet up again tomorrow and I can’t wait - I’ve been nothing but myself an I can’t explain for a second why she’s interested in me. 

When I say she’s out of my league there’s no false modesty at all - I’ve separately showed two friends (1 male, 1 female) who asked about her a picture of her that she sent while out with her friends and they independently agreed that she’s stunning and that the pic could have been from a photo shoot. She’s also a little younger than I’d normally date (late 20’s) which could be an issue for her long term but I’ve been open about my own age and doesn’t seem to bother her (yet) 

More importantly to me though - she is absolutely hilarious! I mean I have actually laughed out loud at some of her texts/comments - ascerbic and sarcastic but as intelligent in those as she is in the rest of her life. 

I’ve no idea if date #4 will turn into 5 or 6 or beyond but I’m not over thinking it at all and just enjoying spending time with an incredible person. 

It’s weird to look back on my original post now and see how rattled I was about wanting to date that other lady and how many knots I was tying myself in 

Thank you for your advice then though - it definitely helped me to take a step forward then and even though that relationship didn’t work out the advice has stayed with me through to know and the current relationship that I’m enjoying so much. :)"

/u/throughway2, Reddit

We are somehow all connected, and in the end, we will be able to see the entire matrix. Jackson took care of Alli, but who took care of him? In one scene, she noted that she only wanted his happiness, and alluded to even if that is without her. While not all situations end in happy endings, I would like to think that we are all richer by each connection, even if that is to trigger more growth than we would have had otherwise (supernova). 

11:11 (part 10)

Since 9/11, I have made a pact with God and/or the universe that I would try to minimize overanalyzing things and embrace what was put in front of me (cougartown). That has how I have approached this trip to Italy with only a one-way ticket in hand. I was excited to see my 'baby sis' (from another mother and father), whom I have not seen since I repatriated. While I knew she had married an Italian, they are also living in Japan. In a moment of serendipity, they were visiting Italy for their first anniversary around the time I would be in the country.

When we finally connected, it was uncanny to find out that Valdobbiadene was the town they got married in a year before. The place that I had wanted to take them to after lunch (self service) turns out to be the spot that they took many of their wedding photos including one that she has posted as her Facebook profile picture that I had loved, and she reminded me and pointed out the spot which was less than 10 feet from where we were sitting. I happened to be in Vietnam last year during their wedding and had attended the wedding with her family via FaceTime. When she had said that they would meet me in Valdobbiadene, I had no idea that the place was of significance to them.

It was great to be able to finally meet the people who were part of the ceremony and/or behind the phone enabling us to participate. I have never seen her more confident or happy in life. When they asked if I would change my initial flight to spend more time together, I jumped at the opportunity and rolled the dice two hours before takeoff to make it happen. At some point, her husband decided to play matchmaker.

What I had thought was an initial joke as coordination to get a ring I had purchased but was getting resized in Padova turned out to be less so in pimping me out. Yet because I have an aversion to such machinations and to avoid repeating any drama from reclaiming the cunt (part 8), I have to admit to playing a bit ditsy at any attempts to get us alone. Perhaps as admiration for his repeated attempts and/or to give my friend some quality time with her husband before our flights the following day, I agreed to drinks after dinner.

Too many events in my life (the girl with the dragoon tattoo; when it rains, it pours; and 11:11 (part 4)) have occurred for me to believe that anything is coincidental. So when during our chat over Aperol spritz and prosecco, the topic of knowing the future and paths to follow naturally made me think of Sliding Doors. As I asked if he had seen the movie, he noted that he just brought it up in conversation during dinner. I missed it either while trying to pack at the same time or as they were discussing in Italian. While his point at dinner was that our decisions impact the paths our lives take and who we become, like the events of 22, it reminded me of the discussion with Jay, and I viewed it as a sign from my male spirit, taking away any hesitation on how the night would unfold (23 vs. 42).

At the beginning of the trip, one of my friends had messaged me to download Book Club to watch on my trip. I had forgotten about it until I saw it on the menu on my flight home. In one scene, Vivian (Jane Fonda's character) spouting an interpretation of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken," which sometimes, as is in my case, is erroneously referred to as "The Road Less Traveled".

It turns out that Frost wrote the poem facetiously for another poet (Edward Thomas), who oftentimes was indecisive, pondering the path to take in his life, and usually later lamenting that he should have taken the other one in hindsight. Many have interpreted that the road less traveled represents individualism. However, Frost has been known to correct people when they utter anything other than 'road' such as path, since roads are paved and man-made, suggesting that the road is not unique nor individual. Vivian's interpretation, which is supported by comments by Frost, is that both roads are actually the same.

"Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back."

Robert Frost, "The Road Not Taken" (excerpt)

Upon looking back, both roads are comparable and equally untravelled, carpeted by newly fallen autumn leaves. Instead the poet has turned an 'impulsive' decision to follow the one that was perceived as less traveled into an intentional decision. While our decisions in life and the events beyond our control shape who we become, our lives unfold through conscious design that come from constructive narratives rather than dramatic actions.

The writer and director of Sliding Doors developed the storyline from a near death experience. As he was late in meeting a friend, he hesitated on running to catch the train or to simply call his friend from a public phone. On impulse, he ran across the street, nearly getting hit by a car. After talking about my brush with death during 9/11, my 'baby sis' shared a story where she almost got clocked by a car as well. We both commiserated on how those moments give us pause and end up shaping us more than we think. Gwyneth Paltrow received a note years later from someone who ran into her the morning of 9/11. Because of the celebrity sighting, the woman did not make the subway train that would have taken her into the World Trade Center at the time of impact.

In the end, we are shaped by our decisions and experiences. We choose how to react to every situation even those out of our control. As Frost notes, even knowing how things unfolded, I am such a different woman than whom I started that I would not want to double back and take another path. This takes me back to my views on Sliding Doors, which is regardless of our decisions, the universe has a way of directing us to become who we are meant to become, even if one road leads us to get there more quickly than the other, where fate and free will collides (22). 

So while my drinking companion, like Thomas, who at times tend to second guess his life decisions  and wanted to know his future as some form of assurance that things will turn out alright, we were both where we should have been at this point in time, regardless of whatever decisions we would or could have made in the past.

naming names

In light of the movement with #GoldOpen to draw attention to people of color in Hollywood with the opening of Crazy Rich Asians, Kelly Marie Tran, a Vietnamese actress who had a leading role in Star Wars: The Last Jedi, wrote an oped today in the NY Times regarding online abusers and racial discrimination that resulted in her deleting her Instagram.

I am not the first person to have grown up this way. This is what it is to grow up as a person of color in a white-dominated world. This is what it is to be a woman in a society that has taught its daughters that we are worthy of love only if we are deemed attractive by its sons. This is the world I grew up in, but not the world I want to leave behind. 

I want to live in a world where children of color don’t spend their entire adolescence wishing to be white. I want to live in a world where women are not subjected to scrutiny for their appearance, or their actions, or their general existence. I want to live in a world where people of all races, religions, socioeconomic classes, sexual orientations, gender identities and abilities are seen as what they have always been: human beings... 

You might know me as Kelly. 

I am the first woman of color to have a leading role in a “Star Wars” movie. 

I am the first Asian woman to appear on the cover of Vanity Fair. 

My real name is Loan. And I am just getting started.

~ Loan (Kelly Marie) Tran 

People often ask me when I introduce myself why I did not take an American name. In high school French class, I had picked the name Anne-Marie. I had thought long and hard when applying for university whether it would be a good time to go by a name that was easier to pronounce and/or remember. I even filled out two versions of a college application with Anne-Marie on one. In my 20s, I sometimes introduced the world to Bambi (core values and full circle (part 8)) but she was more of a nightlife persona.

Although I kept my birth name for personal, university, career, etc., I did Americanize it. When we first came to the U.S., my parents in their FOB accents somehow butchered the pronunciation of my name to be 'Chong'. People from the church that sponsored us and in elementary school would refer to me as such. Of course, my parents had no foresight that 'Chong' would be a basis for childhood bullying. As one can imagine, it became fodder for the derogatory slang 'Ching Chong', which many had posted on Tran's social media accounts. On the first day of second grade when my new teacher was trying to pronounce my name, I decided to change the course of my name and said it phonetically before any of my classmates can chime in with 'Chong'.

There have been two important men in my life who refuse to call me by any other name than the true Vietnamese pronunciation of my name which is neither 'Chong' nor the phonetic version I go by now. Both happen to be white American men. One (moments that matter (part 4)) lived in Vietnam for a few years and learned the language, and the other (bubble of bliss) has lived in Asia for most of his adult life. When I first moved to Vietnam, I will admit that it took me some time to recognize when people were calling my name. As I introduced myself, it was automatic to go by the phonetic pronunciation although I was living in the country that would know the correct way to say my name. 

One of those men was baffled why I allowed people to call me by any other name than the one given to me. Even in mixed crowds, he stubbornly insists on calling me by my true name despite the looks of confusion by others who do not understand that it is my name he is using. Despite my initial embarrassment when he would do this, he is right and in hindsight, was teaching me a valuable lesson on authenticity. It really is not difficult for people to pronounce the 'tr' as 'j' or 'ch', and if a Vietnamese person can learn to say 'Kelly', an American person should be able to learn to say 'Loan'.  

unsent letters (part 2)

Dear Camera Boy -

I wish I remembered your name as it seems so disrespectful not to...part of me wants to say Rob or Bob. I'm glad that you were persistent and wouldn't let me shake you off. I honestly never thought I would go through with going out with you, and perhaps it is only because 'fate' brought you in my path again that day that I couldn't deny the serendipity.

You crossed my path to change my path, and perhaps that was our only soul agreement. In the last few years, you've crossed my thoughts more often than not, as I wonder if my exploration wouldn't have been so delayed had you been my first. Where would my life be now if you had taken me to the AVN Awards as we discussed? Would you have introduced me to the type of beautiful people I met last week at the sensations party? Would my life have been full of Burning Man and passions of life?

How amazing would it have been to have a partner in crime through that journey rather than foraging on my own in unchartered territories! Perhaps you would have been the adventure had I made the train in Sliding Doors. Had I had a better sense of self worth of myself at the time, I would have called you back when you returned from your production. I apologize for not doing so, as you've only shown me kindness and boldness, that I had lacked the sensitivity to do the same at the time.

I hope you are filled with love. I hope that life has rewarded you well for your zeal. I hope to cross your path again in our next lives. Thank you for making me feel beautiful and special during our shared moments, not to mention leaving me with a magical anecdote that only happens in the movies.

💖

Sources: missing in action, 22, and YUMmy

reclaiming the cunt (part 7)

When The Force Awakens, 7th movie in the Star Wars franchise, came out in 2015, a notable character was missing from the movie's action figures, resulting in #WheresRey outrage in social media platforms. Likewise, Black Widow and Gamora from Marvel were also missing from retail shelves. Eventually, Hasbro and Disney released the heroine action figure after all the protests, which ended up selling better than the other characters other than the villain (villains always outsell the other characters).

The phenomenon was based on the view that boys would not play with female action figures. When Sony's emails got hacked, it became evident that lead actresses were being paid at least 20% less than their male counterparts. [This statistic mirrors the gender pay gap in the U.S. as reported by American Association of University Women (AAUW).] With more protagonists of successful franchises like Hunger Games, Twilight, and Divergent led by women, this disparity highlights a systemic problem in the world. Coupled with this is the fact that actresses peak at 34 while actors peak at 51, further limiting leading roles for women during their "prime" career.

The irony is that Amy Pascal was the Sony Studios boss at the time of the hack. She defended her actions, "I run a business. People want to work for less money, I'll pay them less money. I don't call them up and go, can I give you some more?" However, she did note that women should not settle for less, "People shouldn't be so grateful for jobs." As noted in reclaiming the cunt (part 5), sometimes women are our own worse enemies, or viewed differently, can serve as the catalysts to change.

Wonder Woman decimated box office records as the highest grossing movie directed by a woman on opening weekend, as well as biggest opening in June for superhero and for Warner Brothers with the best reviewed superhero film on Rotten Tomatoes. While most superhero films rely on 60% of their audiences being male, Wonder Woman's opening weekend comprised 52% women and 48% men. Of the top 100 grossing films of the last 10 years, 44% were directed by women; yet, there are 23.8 male directors for every female one.

Elektra and Catwoman were both directed by men and were flops. Patty Jenkins also directed Monster, which resulted in Charlize Theron winning an Oscar and was the last feature film she had directed. Although "Aileen Wuornos" was not a lovable character, the movie allowed audiences to see her vulnerable side and better understand the drivers to her actions. Similarly, she portrayed Wonder Woman as an independent and strong superhero, with a vulnerability represented by tears when she was not able to save innocent people in a town. In business, it is often said that tears are a sign of weakness, especially in a woman (a study notes that 41% of women vs. 9% of men have cried in the workplace). Tears could be from joy, frustration, anger or passion. Women generally feel worse after crying at work while men feel better.

I am guilty for having shed tears at work. Early on, it was primarily from frustration, and while I have learned to hold it in so as not to give my "power" away, I recently let it dribble (stone skipping (part 4)) from compassion. I found myself trickling tears while watching the movie today. I was proud that they were able to portray a female superhero with the balance of strength and vulnerability that makes for a great leader.

"Zeus created man to be strong and wise and compassionate...It's not about what you deserve. It's about what you believe, and I believe in love.

...I glimpsed the darkness that lives within their light. And I learned that inside every one of them, there will always be both. A choice each must make for themselves. Something no hero will ever defeat. And now I know, that only love can truly save the world."

~ Diana of Themyscira, Princess of the Amazons 

fuse in fusion

Split is the second in a series by M. Night Shyamalan after Unbreakable and is loosely based on Billy Milligan, who was the first person to be acquitted of charges based on an insanity defense from multiple personality disorder. He had 24 personalities, separated into 'Desirables' and 'Undesirables'. Ironically, two of the Desirables ("Ragen" and "Adalana") committed the crimes of rapes and burglaries that resulted in his arrest. "Jason," an Undesirable, functioned as the pressure valve, releasing all the tension of the alters. "The Teacher" was neither a Desirable or Undesirable and was an amalgamation of all the alters, including having almost total recall of the thoughts and actions of the other personas.

Initially, when she chopped off her locks in March to showcase a new pixie cut, Katy Perry was reported as the latest woman who traded in old for a new look to shake off the baggage from a breakup (yours truly has done something similar). "There is something about a drastic cut that can feel cathartic after a breakup, like you are cutting off the dead weight and becoming lighter and freer," said Dr. Laura Berman. However, as part of her promotion of her new album, Witness, she has been live streaming her everyday life (Witness World Wide), including a therapy session, where she admitted having suicidal thoughts (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)). Born Katheryn Hudson, she had a strict Christian upbringing with both her parents being Pentecostal pastors, and started her career as a gospel singer.

"Katheryn," the self and her inner child, was often hidden. 

"I'm really strong as Katy Perry, sometimes I'm not as strong as Katheryn Hudson. People talk about my hair, right? And they don't like it, or they wish that it was longer. I so badly want to be Katheryn Hudson that I don't even want to look like Katy Perry anymore sometimes, and that is a little bit of why I cut my hair, is because I really want to be my authentic self like a 100% on it. And so it hurts you know when I don't think I can...

Women don't have to be, or people don't have to be, just one thing you know? And like you can grow and I'm in my 30s now, and I'm not the same person I was four months ago. I think that's beautiful because of the re-education and evolution. I love growing. I love learning, and you know sometimes it's hard when people want you just to be like a time capsule of what you were...but it's just my journey I guess, I can't control anything else...

If people can see that I am just like them, then they can dream just as big...I've been writing songs about this so I wrote this one song for this record called 'Mind Maze,' how you know sometimes it's hard to navigate this world and I wonder if I just push the reset button and surrender to love and surrender to loving myself that like I would still be able to have all the things that I dream I could have as Katheryn Hudson. And I knew it would be a delicate balance. That even talks about that in the lyrics...

I want to be seen and heard but like I want to be seen and heard for real I guess and I think everyone wants to be seen and heard. Like people don't want to be seen and heard just because of the pictures they post on Instagram of the filters that they pick. Like that's not the head that lays down on the pillow...next to your partner. You don't get to filter. That's just real true intimacy. I think sometimes we hide behind all these things like Instagram and I do the same thing, I create this character but like it makes it so much harder to be real and intimate with people...

I'm a bit more nerdy than everybody thinks I am pinup, which means I'm just a goofball. I like to play a lot. I love humor. I like to make people laugh, I like to laugh myself. I love music...

I just learned how to hug. I always thought it was too intimate, like a sexual thing...someone's got to feel my boobs...I didn't realize that that's not everyone's intention. It's just a hug; it's just to connect, and I just learned that..." [sic]

Katheryn is 11 years old, and has not fully developed the skillsets to navigate adult relationships. She had to be responsible at a young age, so never really got the chance to be a child, hence her playfulness as she described above. This was so serendipitous as if I'm living a parallel universe (moments that matter (part 4), (wo)man in the mirror, hide 'n seek and full circle (part 8)), including her list of 5 attributes that she's looking for in a partner (the truth shall set you free) and her gratefulness for the relationships she's had (moments that matter (part 2), when it rains, it pours, moments that matter (part 4), standing taller and moments that matter (part 6)).

"I've had a lot of really nice ones and one of them in particular has been like a really amazing example of a man and you know, a gentleman. I had to push pause on that because I had to grow. I couldn't grow together because like two halves don't make a whole. One whole makes something. Two wholes make two. So I had to grow and you know I'm just really grateful for someone like him who mended my wings. I know you know hold a space for me so that I can grow and doesn't judge me even if I can be, I can judge. Sometimes I'm a little judgy but that's just my ego and my upbringing. Yeah, probably from some of my conditioning...

I may be single but I'm not really lonely. Of course, I'd love companionship. It would be amazing to have companionship because this is a wild ass ride I'm on. It's a roller coaster and I'd love to throw my hands up in the air with someone but it'll happen and I'm just creating that space right now for it to happen in the right way.

What I would love is just someone who has maybe done the work as well. Has dug deep, has pulled out whatever is not serving them in their life. They are a whole person, a healed person. That's what I want, but like I have to be that as well...

I can live my most authentic self...and I pulled an angel card two years ago and all the card said was 'authenticity'...

You have one choice...to be right or to be loved. Do you want to be right or do you want to be loved? I just want to be loved." [sic]

Similar to David Bowie (full circle (part 8)), Katheryn uses music and alter ego(s) to share her pain and ultimately, they both (used or) are using their personas therapeutically to understand their different parts better and being more conscious of their origins to choose and achieve authenticity. The Teacher is in all of us. It was brave for her to be so vulnerable to thousands of people. When she drew the angel card this time, it was...f r e e d o m!

pussy riots

sea of pussy hats

Millions of women (and men and children) took to the streets at over 670 organized demonstrations around the world, including Antartica and Tanzania, for the Women's March. While 45's words, "[g]rab them by the pussy. You can do anything" sparked outrage when it first came to light a few months ago although it was said in 2005, it was just more fuel to the fire of all the other outlandish comments emanating from the man. He issued no apologies then or now.

Initially planned as a movement to protect women's social and reproductive rights, it has encompassed advocacy for LGBTQ, immigrants, minorities, environmental protection and other causes that are threatened by the new POTUS. Within hours of his swearing in, the White House website had already scrubbed LGBTQ, abortion, health care, civil rights and climate change pages.

My friend, Amy (aka Mamy), organized the one in St. Petersburg. They had expected hundreds when planning the events. Over 20,000 participated, shattering records as the largest demonstration in the city's history (previous record was in 2015 at 1,500 people). Even the crowds in Washington D.C. well surpassed the one from the previous day at the inauguration, as photo evidence shows (depending on who is to believed, as the new press secretary has already touted that yesterday broke records and the interior department's twitter account was taken down for posting photos depicting otherwise - propaganda anyone?). Women all over the world who could not attend a demonstration participated by knitting and donating pussy hats as part of the Pussyhat Project. Early reports are that today's collective organizations comprise the largest protest in American history.

As others attempt to divide the nation, the Women's March has resulted in a new wave of activism and solidarity.

"...human rights are women's rights and women's rights are human rights..."

Hilary Clinton - United Nations 4th World Conference on Women, Sept. 5, 1995 

During a documentary spree last year, I chanced upon Suffragette, which was a 2015 movie about the early feminist movement fighting for equality. The women gave up not only professional but also personal lives as their family abandoned them for bucking the status quo. I discovered a newfound appreciation for the women who fought so relentless for the rights that I now take for granted.

So muchas gracias, merçi beaucoup and many heartfelt thanks to Biz, Jeannie, I-Hsing, I-Fong, Susan, Carol, Alison, Gaylen, Amy, Suzette, David, Spencer, Jeff, Jamie, Biggles, Marilyn, Karen, Gail, Andra, Helen, Lori, Pammir, Leslie, Michelle, Sarah, Michele, Emily, Craig, Mia, Duyen, Jennifer, Jessica, Laurey, Julie, Ruth, Dele, Mali, Ian, Marty, Rosie, Wendy, Maureen, Candice, Tonye, Esther, Caroline, Marc, Anne, Mary, Yaminah, Jeremy, Erin, Kathy, Suzanne, Alexandra, Sean, Ashleigh, Finn, Hannah, Kristen, Heather, Elizabeth, Grace, Naomi, Byron, Kimberly, Suzi, Holly, Denise, Melissa, Gwen, Wendy, Park, and countless other names and faces of "nasty" women, men and children who joined our predecessors (Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Rose Schneiderman, Frances Perkins, Margaret Sanger, Ella Baker, Barbara Gitting, Audre Lorde, Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, to name a very few) in ensuring our voices are heard in the name of equality for all.

Mark my words...this is the makings of the strongest generation of women yet, nasty or not.

22

1+1+1+1 = 4 = 2+2

In 1998, my friend Jay and I watched Sliding Doors and debated for hours our various views of fate and free will. We closed down a restaurant, bar and coffee shop before landing on my stoop in Greenwich Village. Jay believes that we all have free will, and everything else that happens in our lives is purely coincidence. My view is similar to my view on creationism and evolution, in that, they are not mutually exclusive concepts.

Helen (Gwyneth Paltrow) misses a train, which takes us to a parallel universe. In one universe, she catches her boyfriend cheating on her, goes through depression and then rebuilds her life as a strong, independent woman. James, whom she met when she dropped her earring on a lift, serendipitously continues to pop in and out of her life, providing her positive energy and encouragement. They eventually fall in love, and when happily ever after was supposed to kick in, she is killed by a car. In the other universe, she is clueless of her boyfriend's infidelity until the other woman constantly tries to force the issue. She also ends up getting an offer at an international PR firm, and after ending her relationship, the denouement is when the lift opens, she drops her earring and meets James.

Jay interpreted the movie as free will resulted in a short life in one universe and a longer one in the other. My interpretation was that free will just postponed who she was meant to be and experience in that lifetime compared to the other, but fate will eventually push you to a similar result, despite your continued choices, even if they were wrong. Eventually, we both momentarily stopped our debate at around 3:30am. Perhaps it was footsteps that we both heard, but at the same time, we turned our heads to the right. Within a few feet from us was Gwyneth Paltrow and her friend walking by us.

Jay and I never spoke of that moment again until over 10 years later when he disclosed that the incident was one of two situations in his life where he had no explanation.

*****

I've had some odd recurring themes in my life. For example, I've had three different people in three different ways (i.e., birth date, needle/thread over palm, face reading) tell me that I am supposed to have five kids. At this age, I would think that the time has passed for that to be true, except for the option of oocyte cryopreservation.

Last year, my friend's aunt, who supposedly is connected to the spirit world since she hit her head during a fall a few years back, had mentioned that I had a male spirit who had been preventing me from getting married. At the time, it seemed a negative energy as the mononormative world and society believes all people should aspire for marriage. At times, I randomly pick a salon and a hair stylist and give him/her carte blanche. In the spring, I chanced upon a stylist who is an empath. He was explaining how he had to learn to balance his talents with having a normal life. Out of nowhere, he mentioned that a young male spirit was around me. However, he only saw positive energy from the spirit, and speculated after I mentioned the friend's aunt's comment that perhaps the spirit was protecting me from getting married to the wrong people.

During this latest self-destructive stage, I had allowed myself to be disrespected, in the name of experimenting with polyamory. During that time, I did tell the other person that normally I'd walk away from this already but I kept convincing myself that it was worth it to try something new and different, as the status quo did not seem to be working for me in my quest for love. However, there was nothing loving about a toxic relationship filled with gaslighting, that took me back to behaviors from my first relationship (moments that matter (part 6)). 

After the final breakup, I had suspected that something was off. At first, I thought he was self-sabotaging, like the man in the first relationship, rather than dealing with his ego. It made me think that Sophia was not real, and I said as much to him, as she triggered an excuse for him to start an argument, which to me seemed so trivial in the big scheme of things. 

However, synchronicity and numerology has me wondering if it isn't fate/my male spirit forcing my hand to get out of a toxic relationship before I had lost who I have become over the years. I did have two friends who also tried to get me to recognize this, around the same time as well as the profiles below.

Immediately after the first breakup, Sydney contacted me the following night, minutes after I re-established my OK Cupid profile. I had wanted to try a triad again, that wasn't so dysfunctional as the first. She said all the right things including that their last relationship lasted five years until their girlfriend got married, and Sydney was in her wedding. She kept in contact with me throughout my South African holiday, and was actively trying to find me a play partner as I had been disappointed that the timing of the breakup prevented me from going to a Halloween masquerade party. I don't like to start things with people until I can be 100% in and so had delayed meeting them until I got back.

When we had decided to get back together for a trial period, Sydney's kik no longer worked. She has not been on OK Cupid since November 3.

Less than a week after our trial period, Sophia reached out to me. Initially, it was not meant to be in context of a triad but she immediately started asking questions about my situation. I had thought that I may have introduced the triad concept but it seems as if she was probing to get it there. She also said all the right things as we had discussed being open to a triad. She also introduced a triad group that we could be part of that sounded like the ideal poly network which was aspirational for both of us. Similar to Sydney, she stayed in contact, checking in on me post breakup as well and was supportive of my trip to meet him in Las Vegas (moments that matter (part 2)). However, when I got back, her kik also no longer worked, and she has not been on OK Cupid since November 26.

They were both from San Diego, yet split time in San Francisco...enough for it to be something to pursue yet to have an excuse of not being in town. Both only had one picture. I had asked Sophia her reason after being guarded from the Sydney/Doug situation, and she had said that her profile is new and she didn't bother filling everything else out once she met me. Both also have the same picture in kik. Both had sent me other pictures though - Sydney of just herself although I remember thinking that the person didn't look exactly like the one in the couple picture and Sophia of others in the triad poly network.

They both seem to know exactly what to say to "hook" me as I had been very picky in getting into dysfunctional triads. Initially after the final breakup, I had wondered if the guy or his friend was the one who created these profiles to either "test" me, which doesn't make sense in polyamory, or to "trigger" disagreements. However, both kept in contact with me in positive ways upon reflection. They only disappeared after I went weeks without contacting them and after either getting back on trial period or reconnecting with him in Las Vegas after a year apart.

I did think that their names were very similar with the capitalization and poly reference as well. Both are very short profiles and start with "just". Same categories were completed as well regarding age, gender, orientation, etc.

Then I noticed 22...synchronicity.

shhhhhhhhooshhhhhhh

In a country where one can get bootleg DVDs of recent movies for the equivalent of less than 50 cents, it is easy to catch up on every movie or sitcom that you've ever wanted to see in the comforts of your own home. Yet there are certain movies that just need to be experienced on the big screen with a good tub of buttery popcorn - just don't forget to bring your earplugs and salt. As noted in the al fresco to go post, the South likes sweet so many times the salty buttery popcorn is no where to be found. Instead, they have popcorn covered with a sugary coating with no other flavors.

Vietnam is similar to China in its censorship. There was a protest against China and its quest to take over  South China Sea this weekend which the government made sure that all the local news outlets covered; however, certain international coverage were blocked when I tried to search for it on the internet. The censorship though seems quite random - porn is accessible but Facebook is not. For example, certain violent scenes in True Grit such as chopping off fingers made the cut but not shooting someone at close range.

Regardless of the big screen though, you are still in the comforts of a living room - just someone else's. People have no regard for general courtesy. Sometimes people read the subtitles out loud. Sometimes people are translating and/or explaining scenes for their movie mate but act as if the entire audience could also benefit from it as well. Sometimes people are having complete conversations with each other or on mobile phones that have nothing to do with the movie. As noted in got milk?, there seems to be a need to talk over the speakers. While amusing and bordering on offensive for its stereotype, sometimes I wonder if the PSA here is all that effective...

Perhaps they should consider what a theater back home (Alamo Drafthouse) did.