heart beats

Traveling again, especially to less developed countries, makes COVID seem like an episode of the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror. While some still wear masks, most are doing so to protect from the smog and pollution, especially when the primary mode of transportation is motorbikes. While many in my circle, including myself, contracted COVID, with some, as many as four+ times, luckily, none passed away from it.

But what will never fully be quantified will be the deaths that occurred because of COVID's impact in the world, from logistics/economy (e.g., overtaxed medical system, inability to get food and resources to those in need due to transportation and/or financial constraints) to mental health (e.g., depression, broken relationships, stress). The huge demand for emotional support animals also resulted in the unfortunate abandonment of such furry friends when life adjusted to a new normal, ranging from an increase of 25% in places like England to 50% in India. 

At the same time, in a country where animals were generally kept for functional purposes (e.g., security or rodent management), I was surprised and elated to see how pets are now being treated in Vietnam, with a significant increase in pet clinics/veterinarians, groomers, boarders, and even cat cafes for people to pay to spend time with the kitties. Walking past a Vietnamese man sitting on a little stool at a local street cafe cuddling and talking to his canine pal made my heart smile. Of course, the experience made me think of baby girl, followed by the excitement of the imminent adoption of her kin.

While I had wished I had captured the loving scene for my IG stories (a new way to catalog my travels), I was happy to just be present. Seeing an IG message from an old high school friend, who had shared that she had been enjoying my travel 'stories', I was saddened to hear the passing of my prom 'date' the day before. He had died of a heart attack in his sleep. He marks the third man in my circle and age group, with the other two being college classmates, who have been victims of the leading cause of deaths in the US since the start of the pandemic. Another close friend who was a surrogate father at a point in my life also succumbed to the disease; however, he was older and had a history battling the disease.

Unlike with the 'surrogate father', there was no warning, and perhaps with the stresses of the pandemic, it became the silent killer that we can't prepare for. When I had gotten word that Jay (22 and 11:11 (part 10)) passed right before Christmas 2020, intermixed with the initial shock was a smile and a knowing that Jay had beat us all in accomplishing his life's dream, that kept us up late at night for hours just connecting and talking about all the complexities of life. I knew that where I may have missed my initial train (11:11 (part 10)), Jay made his. I still feel Jay with me at times, as recently as saudade (part 6).

I knew that most news happen in Facebook, so upon hearing the news about my prom 'date', I temporarily reinstated Facebook, something I had deleted since the pandemic, to find that the news of his passing had not made it there yet. However, it was with a happy yet saudade heart that I soon discovered that he recently got married in December 2022. We weren't really in contact since high school, as I left a lot of that trauma behind for me. But when I had joined Facebook in late 2008, he found me and had messaged me to see how I was doing. We must have kept in touch sporadically after that as I have his contact information. In looking at our Facebook messenger chat, the next and last time we had contact was before the pandemic, when I had sent him a YouTube video on 'Twin Flames/Soulmates/Divine Partners - Searching For Answers', it must have been in response to a post he had as my intro was 'this may help you'.

As with Jay, I knew Steven had finally realized his dream. Much like Helen in Sliding Doors, he met his boo. He had struggled so long to come out of the closet and find 'home'. It seems fitting that it is also Pride Month, which although there still isn't a parade in Ho Chi Minh City to commemorate it, there are more visible signs including companies supporting and sponsoring activities around the city. It brings me such peace to know that for all of these men in my life, they were surrounded by love when their hearts stopped beating.

* * * * *

Update August 20, 2023:

At the age of 33, her heart also stopped in the middle of the night. As a pre-teen, she was diagnosed with long QT syndrome that caused her parents to pull her out of soccer which she loved. As an adult, she made the decision to live life and not let the condition debilitate her. Skydiving for her was not only defying gravity but also her genetic predisposition. She forgave easily and loved fully. Her family gifted me her last creation that had a special meaning to her, from the careful curation of the gemstones for their meaning and her favorite colors to her spirit animal that contain three hearts and nine brains, one in each tentacle and the biggest brain-to-body ratio of the invertebrates, making it one of the most intelligent marine species.

My Octopus Teacher brought us into their worlds, showing us the ability for these colorful creatures to form relationships with humans. While known to be solitary creatures, scientists are recently discovering the complexity of their ability to form relationships among themselves, utilizing colors to communicate, and with other species. In one experiment, four octopi were given MDMA, and despite serotonin transporters nearly identical to humans, scientists had hypothesized that its lack of the parts of the brain that results in behavioral changes from drug use would override, negating any impacts. They were surprised to see that the octopi were all cuddly.

This behavior has usually only been observed during mating, which marks the beginning of senescence and their eventual deaths. The female spends over six months guarding her thousands of eggs, unable to catch prey to nourish herself, slowing starving herself and with her last breath, uses her siphon to blow the hatchlings into their new world.

In her own way, Jessica left those she loved with parts of herself that will guide them to their new 'world'. I finished her special mala today before her memorial service. After cleansing and charging the energy in the moonlight, I set the intention of the mala to live fully and love wholeheartedly. While already on the journey of carpe diem and 11:11 (part 4), I know along with Jay, Jess will guide me towards the remainder of my journey.

weightless

It's always been cryptic in how information on his estado civil gets discovered, when it should be something to share and celebrate. The first time was a chance Facebook feed, upon which my access was soon modified by him to such restrictions as there was no point even being connected as 'Facebook friends'. That time left me shocked and full of 'what ifs'.

To my surprise, my reaction this time around was a smile at how childish and ambiguous his communication was, nothing like the man who was once direct and with very little words, we seemed to understand the other. I felt such a weight being lifted, like some burden had dissipated, almost as if I finally remembered to start breathing not realizing I had been holding my breath all these years.

It reminded me of the last time I saw him (the truth shall set you free, walking tree...new or old roots, and surprising inspiration) and how I no longer recognized him for the man I had admired all these years. Had he changed, had I changed or had we both undergone significant transformations, taking us on diverging paths? Or perhaps the lens in which I viewed him was becoming less 'rosy colored' as to what I created from my own imagination? Was it always an illusion stemming from a childhood dream?

Before turning down the bed, I felt compelled to let the Raven speak to me...ironic as it may be (bubble of bliss).

 

The crow lands atop a large pentacle once concealed by clouds. This spot provides a clear view of all the riches available to her. Because her desires are no longer blocked, the bounty this world has to offer from material wealth to spiritual knowledge is all within her grasp. The Ace of Pentacles represents a time of clarity and the ability to manifest your desires. Stay focused, the Law of Attraction is working. Keep a fixed sight on what it is you want to achieve.

~ Crow Tarot, created by MJ Cullinane 

While I am grateful for the role he has played in my life over the last two decades and all the synchronicities with him, guiding me in my journey, I am at a loss for words in how it feels to finally breathe in the crisp air piercing chambers of my lungs that feel as if they had been lined with cobwebs. The timing is apropos to leaving the door to shut behind me and ushering me through the suadade (part 1) series.

cupid's arrow

When my house did not sell in 2018, I took it as a sign that my journey was not complete in San Francisco. While I had never felt like San Francisco nor my house felt like home (living love), I soon realized that my house was not selling at the price that I had wanted because I did not put the energy nor love into valuing it for the home that it could provide for me or for others, which served as the impetus for me to open it up to acts of love and creativity, such as sound healing and a frog's kiss.

While I saw that some new friends were looking for a venue for their wedding given the typical San Francisco weather, I had initially thought of offering my house but figured it was both too small and that I was a bit of an 'outsider' to act on my intuition. When the bride-to-be contacted me, it was a bit of a no-brainer althoughI had no idea what I was committing too, especially after it occurred to me that the guest list was significantly larger than what the house could comfortably hold.

While they have met a few times over the year, their love blossomed on New Year's and has been magical moments for a wizard and his goddess. While I found myself stressing over wanting to make sure that the wedding was a memorable experience for the bride and groom, my partner reminded me that providing the venue was the only gift the couple needed from me. Their friends rallied in order to provide homemade vegan cheesecake, the Temple of Fluff, license to officiate the wedding, and all the love and light to make the moment one to remember in a lifetime. I am blessed to have their love infused into the bones of an old Victorian that has the vibrations of the sound healing of Carlos Santana.

seeing white (part 1)

After a few unsuccessful attempts, my friend is finally pregnant with her first. They threw a coed shower for her today, and as time moves, so do friendships. They have mostly had expat friends rather than local; however, as I look around the room, I did not recognize anyone other than the mutual friend I showed up with. None of those others had even attended or been invited to their wedding two years ago.

It would seem that during her last few years of trying to get pregnant, she may have become a different person. Many of her old friends that I had met through them were intentionally not invited, as she was evasive as to the reason. In a way, my friend and I were an afterthought - we were the only Vietnamese in the apartment as well.

By ways of deduction based on the Law of Attraction, are their current friends a reflection of whom they have become? It is a small apartment and there were perhaps twenty adults and a slew of children. As the mistress of ceremony was trying to get us to break up into two teams for a game, one group in the living room and another in the kitchen, my friend and I found that we were the only two in the kitchen before the father-to-be joined us. When we moved into the living area to one of the sides, one of the other participants commented that I was part of the kitchen team, at which point I responded that I was one of three people so we decided to join the others. 

Prior to that, the mistress of ceremonies had asked us all to move to the living room. Given that there were limited seats, I moved to the perimeter to sit on the floor. One of the other women who was sitting on the dining room chair picked up her chair to move to the living area. She stared at me as I continued to look at her. Without blinking or looking away, she set down her chair right in front of me, turned around and sat down, fully blocking me from the rest of the group. Whether I was the help or an invited guest should be irrelevant to her actions and white priviledge. 

Turns out that she hangs out with my friend and her husband on a weekly basis. I am happy for them that they are on their way to their next milestone of relationship escalator, but am perplexed and sad as to the path that they took to get there. Ironically, although I have not seen her in years and our interactions on WhatsApp are intermittent, in the game of eight questions of how well do you know the parents-to-be, of all the others, I had won with the most correct responses.

full circle (part 5)

Someone with Saturn in Gemini supposedly has communication challenges as a child; however, this also is a person who works hard, and so can become successful in communication as an adult, especially if he/she chooses to face this challenge head on. Such communication challenges could be from speech impediments or feeling as if he/she is not listened to, especially in comparison to siblings. As one person described it, it could also be from an overbearing mother overshadowing and silencing the father, resulting in the person learning from that environment.

I did have a lisp that speech therapy helped address and given my situation with my mother (full circle (part 3)), I never felt that I was heard as a child, especially when my brother would bribe my sister to take his side in things. In a culture that is male dominated, my mother seemed to always blamed my father for her situation (e.g., married at an early age rather than focus on her career) although according to her, her parents had her marry so that they no longer had another mouth to feed. Because my dad was in the military and mechanical in nature while my mother was educated in university, she always made him feel less intelligent.

It was always sad and frustrating for me to see him not stand up for himself when she did that. It is also the reason why I stray away from relationships where either the man wants me to change him and/or someone I view as a doormat and who does not stand up for his own beliefs and decisions. Yet, my dad is the best MacGyver (third time's the charm). He could fix anything even with limited tools and/or parts. We used to have such an old washing machine because he could always fix it and at some point, my mother had to just tell him to stop fixing it so that we could get a more modern one with additional functionalities. 

He also used to buy scrap cars and fix them from scratch, only to then give it away to others, like the Mexicans who worked with him at the auto shop, who could not afford to buy new or even old cars. My mother recently told me how all the old folks at the temple rely on him to fix random things and would bring them in hoping he would be able to be their MacGyver as well. What I love about him is that even if someone did not compliment/appreciate him, he would compliment himself in a passive aggressive way with a twinkle in his eye that just makes one giggle, almost very childlike.

We always had a very unique banter and wit, teasing each other, complete with a dead pan delivery, that made strangers think we did not like each other. My cousin once told me that she thought for years that my dad and I did not like each other because we would almost try to outdo each other in insults of sorts. She clearly missed the gleam in our eyes and smile to each other when we did it. My mother almost always missed it when I was younger, and usually became an unwitting pawn in believing the things we said until I had to clue her in.

However, it took me many decades for me to realize that my father's interaction with my mother was not due to weakness. It was due to love and kindness. He picked his battles. She was usually the disciplinarian and out of my rebellion, I would push her buttons until she brought in my father to step in during my impetuousness (see an eye for an eye). I believe the last "spanking" I received was when as a teenager, I declared at dinner that I would never marry an Asian (I have many reasons for that view at the time), and wallop, I was flying over other chairs and almost hit my head on the fish tank. It wasn't until twenty years later that my mother disclosed to me that my parents had a long discussion after that and agreed that they will have to let go of their views on potential partners for their daughter, as my father's reaction really shook him (them). He has always known how unhappy she has been and his concessions for her views, discipline, etc. was his way of trying to minimize her unhappiness.

One of my biggest hopes is that one day he will get the chance to meet my dad, my first soulmate...the two men I admire and love the most. Both are MacGyvers in their own right.

Happy Father's Day, bô'! Thanks for teaching me the art of kindness.

full circle (part 3)

I have had a theory that my mother was not my birth mother for most of my life(...do as the romans do). Initially, it was something that was developed by a child to rationalize why she was treated so differently from her siblings, beyond your typical birth order behaviors. It felt as if everything about me caused some sort of resentment from her. 

My dad was a military 'brat' so during the war, it was possible that I could have been a 'love child'. Of course, what child would not romanticize that he/she was conceived from love. The 10-year age difference; looks and personality/traits, which were never linked to anything on my maternal side; and the conflict of the stories about the timing of their marriage, my 'conception,' my birth, family pressures for my mother to get married, etc. all fueled my theory. I was determined to resolve this during my assignment in Vietnam. However, when I quizzed my relatives in NYC and Vietnam, not only do they not agree on the month my parents got married but also disagree on the seasons, similar to my parents not agreeing.

The fear of 'unwantedness' stemmed from a reality of a lost child who was strapped with a lot of responsibilities as a toddler (full circle (part 8)) and a mother who constantly told her that she was fat and ugly (unanswered prayers). My uncle in Vietnam remembered that when I was a baby/toddler, I would throw tantrums any time I was taken care of by my maternal grandmother, wanting to go to my paternal grandmother's house instead (in loving memory). Children can be very perceptive, for a reason.

When I asked someone how he got into BDSM (ftale), it was not quite as dark as Christian Grey; however, as an adopted child, it was the one part of his life where he had any semblance of control. He eventually found his birth mother, which while it provided an answer to a missing part of his life, it did not resolve his need for control, in some form.

It took many years of tumultuous fights, long periods of silence, lots of resentment on both sides, and perhaps a mutual desire to not just ignore the situation for us to get to where we are today. The final breakthrough, at least from my perspective, was when I realized and communicated to her that she treated me like her mother treats her. Something about relating to a feeling provides a very real perspective and reality. 

My mother goes out of her way to take care of her mother while her siblings selfishly turn their backs on their mother. Yet, despite that, my grandmother talks lovingly of all her other children while bashing my mother in front of anyone who will listen. For a bit, I thought perhaps I was sensitive to this given the treatment I bore with my mother for years. However, my mother's cousin recently visited them before Thanksgiving last year. When I saw her at Thanksgiving, she was amazed at how 'nasty' my mother's mother was when talking about my mother. 

While I have very little respect for my maternal grandmother, I respect that my mother still cares for her, whether from obligation or from love. Perhaps, the one thing I am to learn from my mother is an example of what it means to love someone unconditionally (although I also do not think that requires for someone to consistently put up with abuse, physically or emotionally) or perhaps she is repaying her karmic debt.

I have gone back and forth for decades on whether to get a DNA test to confirm or invalidate my theory and put it to rest. However, regardless of that outcome, she is still the only mom I know. While many of her early behaviors were learned behaviors, I do admire that she has tried, as much as she is capable of doing, of breaking those at her own pace. Someone once told her that it was cool that she was more 'open' to (or less traditional and more tolerant of) others, including biracial relationships; her response was that she had to be from having a daughter like me. At the same time, I probably would not be the strong, independent, kind woman that I am if I did not have those dark periods from her to work through.

I once bought flowers for her for mother's day. Her constant complaint about it wasting money had me declare that she was never going to get anything like that again for being so unappreciative.  The reality was that she was so used to having to be frugal as immigrants that she did not want me having to spend my hard earned money for something she did not feel was necessary. However, as I have discovered recently, how someone acts or reacts is his/her karma (jer-bear). It should not deter me from something I can control...my action/reaction, thus my karma. So with that, I decided to send her a token of my appreciation on this day for her being a wonderful mom, in the present. I hope that one day, I have fully learned and can show her unconditional love that she hinted at.

Happy Mother's Day, mę! I love you!! (Don't say that often enough, actually I'm not sure I've ever said that to her, now that I think about it. Oopsy...never too late I guess.)

* * * * *

Update March 10, 2018:

23andMe had a Black Friday BOGO promotion. While I no longer cared whether my mother was biologically connected with me, she jumped at the opportunity to take the other test while my parents visited me a few months ago. Today, the results confirmed what she knew all along. Perhaps that is why she has never asked about the results after handing me the vial to mail off a couple of months ago. 

stone skipping (part 7)

Sadly, it is not uncommon for men to physically abuse their wives in Vietnam and other Asian/Middle Eastern countries. The mothers also perpetuate this as they coddle their sons. Tradition includes having sons and their families living under the same roof as the sons' parents while the daughters live at home until they are married and can move into their husbands' families' homes, which is why women are also pressured to marry early as "one less mouth to feed" (full circle (part 3)).

However, women are also usually the hard workers and "breadwinners" in the household (me love you long time (part 6)). In a way, the culture breeds "weak men" who are used to being taken care of by mothers or wives, and women are taught that they have no choices, and their "value" is tied to the men they are attached to (face of the girl (part 1)). A man who is "lazy" and emasculates himself in his mind, as well as lack of emotional intelligence, would probably view that his option to balance the scales would be to exert his physical power.

One of my cousins met and married his college crush. They had the same education; however, his wife was more driven and worked diligently to learn English so that she would have opportunities at multinational financial institutions, whereas he was content with working at a local financial institutions, which are protected by the government (including indirect job security based on the culture of pushing people down - stone skipping (part 1)) and offered nap times. The differences in salaries ranges are exponential, ranging from 3-7x more.

As a tribute to her hard work, they were able to afford purchasing their own condo as well as employ a maid/nanny after their son was born. They should have been happy and proud for such accomplishments in a country where people usually cannot afford their own homes and live in communal homes with generations under the same roof. However, his parents resented her and blamed her for no longer having their son under their roof although they still spent every weekend with his family at their home. He would sit back while his parents bullied and chastised her, despite her being the dutiful daughter-in-law in every other aspect including cooking and cleaning for her in-laws over the weekend. He was not the only son, as the older son and his family still lived at their home.

He benefited from her financial success and flaunted the money when he went out with his friends, including purchasing expensive items, perhaps even for other girlfriends (common theme in Vietnam as well - stone skipping (part 5)). When he physically hit her in front of their son and their help, he did not even have any remorse or apology but denied it ever happened. Her friends and family encouraged her to stay with him as it is normal for the husband to hit the wife when it is perceived that she "disobeyed".

Since I was part of his family, she did not initially have the intention to disclose this to me; however, when I found out, I encouraged her to do what she felt was right for herself but also for her son, especially to break the cycle for future generations of men. My support though was unconditional to anything she decided to do. She has an amazing spirit and strength. He did not make it easy as he refused to give her a divorce and also threatened to take their son away from her, even though he had no intention of raising him himself but rather have his mother raise their son. He was also the only man she has ever dated or been with, so being alone is not something that women in Vietnam are taught to do.

His family, of course, tells a different story as to the demise of their relationship. I have made it clear what occurred to relatives in the U.S., and our family continues to support her and opening our homes as she makes trips to U.S. to find opportunities for her and her son in America.

"Sincerely I need to say Thank you for the inspiration you have made to my life and career even though you might have not noticed. I have felt the girl power in you that has made me believe in mine. 😊"

After she sent me this message earlier this week and after visuals of mothers who bring their children to pussy riots and #ADayWithoutAWoman, there seems to be a collective movement of wonderful mothers who represent a whole new generation of women that are helping to break the cycle, nurturing strong individuals who have the balance of both the masculine and feminine attributes. Technically, she is my ex-cousin-in-law; however, she will always be a "sister," and I'm proud of her for bucking the system and having the strength and conviction not to let walls and hurdles from stopping her from achieving her dreams. 

stone skipping (part 5)

We are sisters from another mother. Sometimes, we are blessed to run into soulmates in our lives where we just instantly connect, and they don't always have to be romantic. As another sister soulmate said..."when there is no ego and you just love unconditionally, you just know those are friendships for life".

Songkran with many blessings

For a time, she was my work wife. We looked out for each other (and those that were part of our posse), but also did silly things like sneak around and switch phones when we were convinced that my phone was tapped by the CEO. She was married at a young age and as with many Vietnamese women, had the bad luck of marrying a lazy, abusive Vietnamese man. However, she had such inner strength. She went after her dreams even if it meant being a single mother and turning a blind eye to traditions. When we met, we were both lost in our own way personally.

In many ways, we were similar but in some, we were different. Yet, with unconditional love, we also didn't judge each other for our decisions and respectfully accepted each other's views, especially when we were challenging each other.

I was pleasantly surprised when I got a heartfelt card by "snail mail" for my birthday in 2014, especially in the age of social media and texting when it becomes a simple exercise to wish someone birthday wishes.

"Time flies, it has been more than a year since you left Vietnam but I still remember the time that you were around. I enjoyed the time with you a lot, walking back home at night with you. We, two women kept walking and laughing. Sometimes, I had to follow you to the corner of the street closed by your apartment just to have more time to talk to you. 😮

You are one of the amazing persons that had come to my life. I am greatful that I've known you. You are inspiring me to a better meaning of life, a breakthrough to the success of my CPA exams and changed the lens that I'm looking to this world.

I miss the time with you and I MISS YOU.

On the occasion of your birthday this year, I would like to say thank you for being with me, teaching me different things during your time in Vietnam and inspiring me. I wish your time in Vietnam would be longer even I know my wishes and your wishes may be very different. 😊

I wish you a very very happy birthday and many many more happy birthdays!" [sic]

I used to be disappointed on Valentine's Day (hallmark holiday), despite the brave face we all (I) try to put on that it is just another day, when I did not have someone to celebrate it with (even when I was formally with someone). However, on this day, I am grateful for the soul sisters (and brothers) that I have in my life that remind me that I am loved after all. She also recently had her soulmate return in her life, and will have a wonderful reason to celebrate this day and infinite days ahead. Another beautiful soul who deserves all the love in the world. I am so proud of her for following her dreams and her much deserved accomplishments, including a soon-to-be partner of the firm. She also reminds me that it is never too late to be thankful and let others know that they are appreciated.

I miss my sissie! 

22

1+1+1+1 = 4 = 2+2

In 1998, my friend Jay and I watched Sliding Doors and debated for hours our various views of fate and free will. We closed down a restaurant, bar and coffee shop before landing on my stoop in Greenwich Village. Jay believes that we all have free will, and everything else that happens in our lives is purely coincidence. My view is similar to my view on creationism and evolution, in that, they are not mutually exclusive concepts.

Helen (Gwyneth Paltrow) misses a train, which takes us to a parallel universe. In one universe, she catches her boyfriend cheating on her, goes through depression and then rebuilds her life as a strong, independent woman. James, whom she met when she dropped her earring on a lift, serendipitously continues to pop in and out of her life, providing her positive energy and encouragement. They eventually fall in love, and when happily ever after was supposed to kick in, she is killed by a car. In the other universe, she is clueless of her boyfriend's infidelity until the other woman constantly tries to force the issue. She also ends up getting an offer at an international PR firm, and after ending her relationship, the denouement is when the lift opens, she drops her earring and meets James.

Jay interpreted the movie as free will resulted in a short life in one universe and a longer one in the other. My interpretation was that free will just postponed who she was meant to be and experience in that lifetime compared to the other, but fate will eventually push you to a similar result, despite your continued choices, even if they were wrong. Eventually, we both momentarily stopped our debate at around 3:30am. Perhaps it was footsteps that we both heard, but at the same time, we turned our heads to the right. Within a few feet from us was Gwyneth Paltrow and her friend walking by us.

Jay and I never spoke of that moment again until over 10 years later when he disclosed that the incident was one of two situations in his life where he had no explanation.

*****

I've had some odd recurring themes in my life. For example, I've had three different people in three different ways (i.e., birth date, needle/thread over palm, face reading) tell me that I am supposed to have five kids. At this age, I would think that the time has passed for that to be true, except for the option of oocyte cryopreservation.

Last year, my friend's aunt, who supposedly is connected to the spirit world since she hit her head during a fall a few years back, had mentioned that I had a male spirit who had been preventing me from getting married. At the time, it seemed a negative energy as the mononormative world and society believes all people should aspire for marriage. At times, I randomly pick a salon and a hair stylist and give him/her carte blanche. In the spring, I chanced upon a stylist who is an empath. He was explaining how he had to learn to balance his talents with having a normal life. Out of nowhere, he mentioned that a young male spirit was around me. However, he only saw positive energy from the spirit, and speculated after I mentioned the friend's aunt's comment that perhaps the spirit was protecting me from getting married to the wrong people.

During this latest self-destructive stage, I had allowed myself to be disrespected, in the name of experimenting with polyamory. During that time, I did tell the other person that normally I'd walk away from this already but I kept convincing myself that it was worth it to try something new and different, as the status quo did not seem to be working for me in my quest for love. However, there was nothing loving about a toxic relationship filled with gaslighting, that took me back to behaviors from my first relationship (moments that matter (part 6)). 

After the final breakup, I had suspected that something was off. At first, I thought he was self-sabotaging, like the man in the first relationship, rather than dealing with his ego. It made me think that Sophia was not real, and I said as much to him, as she triggered an excuse for him to start an argument, which to me seemed so trivial in the big scheme of things. 

However, synchronicity and numerology has me wondering if it isn't fate/my male spirit forcing my hand to get out of a toxic relationship before I had lost who I have become over the years. I did have two friends who also tried to get me to recognize this, around the same time as well as the profiles below.

Immediately after the first breakup, Sydney contacted me the following night, minutes after I re-established my OK Cupid profile. I had wanted to try a triad again, that wasn't so dysfunctional as the first. She said all the right things including that their last relationship lasted five years until their girlfriend got married, and Sydney was in her wedding. She kept in contact with me throughout my South African holiday, and was actively trying to find me a play partner as I had been disappointed that the timing of the breakup prevented me from going to a Halloween masquerade party. I don't like to start things with people until I can be 100% in and so had delayed meeting them until I got back.

When we had decided to get back together for a trial period, Sydney's kik no longer worked. She has not been on OK Cupid since November 3.

Less than a week after our trial period, Sophia reached out to me. Initially, it was not meant to be in context of a triad but she immediately started asking questions about my situation. I had thought that I may have introduced the triad concept but it seems as if she was probing to get it there. She also said all the right things as we had discussed being open to a triad. She also introduced a triad group that we could be part of that sounded like the ideal poly network which was aspirational for both of us. Similar to Sydney, she stayed in contact, checking in on me post breakup as well and was supportive of my trip to meet him in Las Vegas (moments that matter (part 2)). However, when I got back, her kik also no longer worked, and she has not been on OK Cupid since November 26.

They were both from San Diego, yet split time in San Francisco...enough for it to be something to pursue yet to have an excuse of not being in town. Both only had one picture. I had asked Sophia her reason after being guarded from the Sydney/Doug situation, and she had said that her profile is new and she didn't bother filling everything else out once she met me. Both also have the same picture in kik. Both had sent me other pictures though - Sydney of just herself although I remember thinking that the person didn't look exactly like the one in the couple picture and Sophia of others in the triad poly network.

They both seem to know exactly what to say to "hook" me as I had been very picky in getting into dysfunctional triads. Initially after the final breakup, I had wondered if the guy or his friend was the one who created these profiles to either "test" me, which doesn't make sense in polyamory, or to "trigger" disagreements. However, both kept in contact with me in positive ways upon reflection. They only disappeared after I went weeks without contacting them and after either getting back on trial period or reconnecting with him in Las Vegas after a year apart.

I did think that their names were very similar with the capitalization and poly reference as well. Both are very short profiles and start with "just". Same categories were completed as well regarding age, gender, orientation, etc.

Then I noticed 22...synchronicity.

mind masturbation

I had the pleasure of hanging out with a number of men this weekend who were from Australia but now living in different parts throughout Asia or still in Australia. It occurred to me how much I miss intellectual stimulation. I really, really do!!!

I used to read a lot but for some reason I haven't quite gotten into it during my time in Vietnam. When I travel, I do bring a book from a collection of romance-based novels that a friend had given me before I left. While I liked these books when I was younger and still believed in Prince Charming, it no longer has the thrill it used to and is just mindless reading. I would like to say that the lack of reading my usual thrillers and adventures is because of access to reading material but quite frankly, I haven't even tried, and I don't know why. Last 6 months was due to work and lack of time but even before that I dropped the habit, perhaps novelty of the market and too much partying although the same 5 places to go are getting boring quite fast.

But I really miss the stimulation of having an engaging debate on taboo topics such as religion, politics, financial markets, and even sex. Although people here have no issues with broaching taboo topics such as age, marriage, or salaries and giving advice on everything you don't think is their business (see me love you long time (part 3)), there is a true lack of debates from knowledgeable people. The few times I have seen it, there is usually someone dominating who has to be right and likes to think she/he is the expert that the rules of healthy debate goes out the window so I don't even bother. I have also experienced it from an expat (who also happens to be an Australian who has lived in Asia too long), but in that case, he didn't like that he was debating with a woman who didn't automatically just tell him he was right and so smart. He once told someone that his type is someone like me but 'more agreeable'. 

Whether expats or locals, the genders tend to separate with men discussing sports, drinking and ladies, while the women gather to discuss domestic matters, gossip and what I call busy body topics. I don't know why people avoid even topics of aspirations and future plans, perhaps it is because so many come and go especially the expat community that they focus on the here and now.

Like the body, a girl needs periodic mind masturbation. Unfortunately, unlike the body, many times, doing it solo isn't so stimulating. 

cunning con?

Her name is Ita. She was kind enough to offer to take me around the island on her day off when I was in Bali. We went to some of her favorite spots and some new locales that she had not frequented. That whole day we did a lot of talking. In her 21 years, she was so innocent, and I found myself taking on the role of mentor, and trying to dish out all the wise words I had wished someone had told me when I was young and impressionable.

She had told me about the 8 boyfriends she had in the past year, and how she was so heartbroken. She had told me of Pappa, an Australian friend that sounded like a grandfather figure for her, especially age wise. Initially, it was slightly concerning that there may have been more than just a friendship with Pappa, as there are many older expats who target the young and impressionable Asian women to dominate.

However, during my time in Asia, I have discovered that these relationships are usually mutual in taking advantage of each other for different financial and emotional gains, primarily based on insecurity and unhealthy reasons. The sugar daddy benefits as much as the sugar baby for different reasons. Throughout the course of the day, I would catch comments and actions that were contrary to earlier statements that belied her innocence. The youth and innocence that she portrayed would easily make a man want to protect and be her savior, and with someone with negative intent, it would be easy to shower her with attention that she craved for short term benefits to him, leaving her behind when he returned to his mother country.

* * * * *

Update January 10, 2017:

I recently found out that an acquaintance that I frequently partied with in Vietnam is pregnant. She decided to get herself off of birth control without communicating it to her current expat partner. They continue to have arguments; however, he has disclosed to others that he continues the relationship for the sex. While they are adults and are responsible for their own actions, including enabling each other, I have learned in my research of astrology, numerology and spirituality that bringing others (e.g., child) into the drama is cruel and could pass the karma onto others. Children oftentimes carry the karma of their parents and becomes part of the resolution of such karmic cycles.

Ita is a recent newlywed. From her Facebook posts, it would seem as if her new husband showers her with gifts and tries to help her get acclimated to his family and home in Amsterdam. Yet, there is a sadness behind her smiles in her recent pictures that was not necessarily there in my pictures of her from years ago. Her father passed away over Christmas. Perhaps her family situation resulted in her need to find a husband for practical reasons rather than love. While we would all like to find love, I am blessed in my life in that I am not in a position to feel the need to have a husband or be with someone for anything other than love. I would like to think that if I were either one of these ladies, I would not have made the same unhealthy decisions, but we would never know unless we walk in someone else's shoes.

Ita did make a beautiful bride, and I hope that whoever's karma she is living through that she is able to close the cycle and find happiness that she deserves.

me love you long time (part 7)

I recently heard the following that struck me in its simplicity in meaning yet complexity in execution:

I don't want you to give up your life. I just want you in mine.

I have always had a view that relationships that usually endure the test of time are those where individuals do not rely on the other for their happiness but oftentimes complement each other in their compatibility, respect and love for each other. Seems like a mouthful but having been in Vietnam for less than a year, the number of failed relationships (whether on paper or not) seem disproportionately high (see me love you long time (part 6) and china anniversary).

Before I left for the States for the holidays, I got into a conversation with a number of young staff. They were concerned that at the ages of 21-22, they were not married or had a boyfriend. After I gave them my perspective of learning more about themselves and what they want in life including exploring a number of relationships, the only male with us chimed in that it is not possible in Vietnam since it is the woman's fault that the culture is the way it is, given their propensity to want to find men to take care of them at any and all costs to their own self-respect. Interesting view to shift the blame as I think the phenomenom is due to both genders using the other for their own purposes (e.g., sugar daddy vs. trophy wife). No matter how it is spun, in the end, it boils down to the same formula with both sides at fault and wanting to shift the blame to the other party.

It reminds me of a relationship that my friend told me about one of her friends. The young lady dated her husband for about five years before marrying him less than a year ago. It does not seem as if he's changed or want to change since she started dating him, but for some reason, she thought that by marrying him, he would give up his addiction of gambling on cockfights so that they could save money to start a family. He blatantly told her that if he had to choose her or the cockfights, the cockfights would win hands down. However, his grandmother put up with it with his grandfather and his mother with his father so he could not see why she could not be like them. On the other hand, because either he was a very good liar and hid this from her or she somehow thought the ring on the finger would give her license to try to change him, any marriage stemming from either was doomed to fail. However, she is at a critical juncture in which she has to determine what to do. While they have been separated, she has made the rounds of fortune tellers with the hopes that they can tell her what to do. She is concerned that if she divorced him at the age of 25, nobody else would want her and she would be forever single. Seems like another selfish reason and two wrongs do not make a right.

It occurs to me that if people started relationships for more selfless reasons - basic love, trust and respect for each other, including themselves, there is a solid foundation to build on. However, many of both genders have a constant wont to change people into some theoretical 'perfect' person. People should want to change to become a better person on their own, lest they build up resentment or the change is temporary. Because I generally have a view about anything and everything or will point out double standards in people's behaviors, I have been accused of wanting to change people, which can't be further from the truth. It takes too much effort and is not my responsibility to do so. As I noted in what's your sign?, I have the tendency to observe how people treat strangers in evaluating the true nature of a person and have no desire for games, of which changing someone falls into that category. Besides, it takes just as much effort to put up a toilet seat as it does to put it down. Very trivial in the big scheme of things, don't you think?

in a blink of an eye

I have been to a handful of weddings already. In some cases, I've been invited to a number where I barely or did not even know the bride or groom. Actually it is just the reception that most people are invited to. The ceremony itself is usually in front of a small gathering of family and close friends whereby the groom's family goes to the bride's family's house (since women usually still live at home until they are married) in order to bring her to her new home. A small ceremony in front of an alter of incense and dead family members is performed to receive ancestral blessings. In the US, many Vietnamese have some form of this ceremony and in many cases, modified with a church wedding or similar ceremony.

However, the one thing that still amazes me is what I call the "eat and run" behavior. Vietnamese usually give money rather than gifts. This in many cases, turn out to be a huge money-maker for the bride and groom. As there are given protocols for the sum that is gifted, many couples would pick venues or times that are more cost effective to maximize the profits. More so in the North than the South, this may also entail holding receptions during lunch or afternoon of a weekday, causing people to take off of work in order to attend since restaurants are usually cheaper then. The couple is busy greeting each table to toast and collect the money envelopes. Courses are usually timed to give the couple enough time to make the rounds, but as soon as the last course is served, which is usually fruit (no wedding cake, as that is usually made of cardboard for pictures), people start leaving. At this last wedding I went to which had approximately 40 tables (or 400 people), an individual had stopped by to say hi and bye to a friend and me. By the time the 10-minute conversation was over, we were the only ones still seated at any table. The room had literally cleared out in a blink of an eye.

Another tradition that baffles me, especially after my exposure to American weddings, is the number of those wearing white. Despite this picture, the bride does wear white...well, she wears anywhere from 3-5 different outfits, all rented of course. When it came to the bouquet toss, which is an adopted tradition as it wasn't at the other receptions I attended, swarms of young ladies in white showed up. In fact, they were all in white. It occurred to me that this may have been their way to notify men as to who were available. Needless to say, I was not in white. 

leftovers

China's 'one child' policy along with other factors has left a significant gender gap of approximately 20-30 million for the next few decades. While the 30-year-old policy prevented approximately 400 million births, it has created an aging population with a shrinking labor force, and a gender gap caused by sex-selective abortions because of the traditional preference for boys. The government released its Outline for the Development of Chinese Children (2011-2020), which calls for gender equality and establishing penalties for doctors who are caught performing sex-selective abortions. Better late than never, right?

Despite the shortage though, the last census noted that over 500,000 women in Beijing over the age of 28 (known as shengnv or leftover women) are delaying marriage despite familial and societal pressures and taboos. While views such as "[w]hy would I marry a woman who has been 'left behind'? If she's 33 and not yet married, maybe there is something wrong with her" still represent the majority, it is refreshing to see those who defy it all to hold out for respect and love.

One of the women noted "[i]t doesn't matter what other people say, but when their parents tell them, 'You should get married, otherwise you never will. If you don't get married at 28, you are an undesirable woman,' can you imagine how that makes them feel? It's really terrible." Although I have received my fair share of such comments from family and strangers as noted in me love you long time (part 3), one of my proud moments of my mother was when I overheard my aunt ask her why I wasn't married yet and asking whether it was because I was too picky. Whether she was embarrassed or not, she didn't skip a beat in her response that I just haven't found the right person for me, and that was more important than having an 'unworthy' husband (probably not the technical translation). Of course, the question came from one of the aunts that was mentioned in me love you long time (part 6).

While the women in Ho Chi Minh City have not quite caught onto the Beijing trend, a warning to all men from an official cougar or 齐天大剩 (leftover goddess) - women, too, have choices, and one day, the gender gap will be in our favor based on simple supply and demand principles, and then we'll see who are truly the leftovers.

See Leftover Women Speak Their Heart Out for translation.

me love you long time (part 6)

One of my clients struck oil and had a First Oil Ceremony celebration last night. Anyone who was anybody in the industry and some local celebrities and government officials were at the event. When the CFO (an expat) stopped by our table, he knew I looked familiar and asked if I was the new manager on the account. When they corrected him, he noted that I looked very different than during our first and only meeting a few months ago. Later, he came for a closer look and said 'very stunning actually'.

During my career, I have noticed that people tend to state their titles when others ask what they do for a living. In general, I have stuck to the 'consultant' answer or not really broach the topic, which is a bit of a challenge during my assignment here since part of my role is business development. As I have advanced, people have treated me differently when they find out my level. Over time, this has become one of my pet peeves - my title doesn't define me. Yet, I find that people judge you based on your title. I got to this level being me so why would that change me? While that may be a rhetorical question, I will admit that a large number of people who have made it to such achievements have significantly changed once the title was bestowed upon them and so when asked the question of what they do for a living, their response of the title is to let the title define them.

The CFO remarked that I had looked all 'accountanty' before. When we met, I went to get introduced so it wasn't a meeting I had to actively participate in. The number of times I spoke at the meeting and at the event last night to him was equivalent. So his first impression compared to his second was primarily from the lens that he was viewing me. These vast lenses are why I get such random job offers - personal assistant because I 'speak English good and look pretty' [yes, that was his grammar, and he was Australian - the pay was probably USD 1,000/month]; restaurant manager to 'micro-manage the staff, and it would be a great opportunity and step up' for me [this was from a restaurant owner that has been pursuing me for months, and though he knows where I work, my title and that I'm American Vietkieu, he has no concept of what I do and doesn't care to find out, but thought that by hooking me up with a job that pays USD 4,000/month that it would be equivalent to putting me up in a nice apartment and taking care of me]; and CFO at a company that is looking to go public internationally [potentially higher salary than my current one with options].

One of the celebrities was a top pop singer in Vietnam. Her recent 'scandal' was having a baby with a 'trust fund baby' and getting paid USD 1 million by him. She was treated as if she was one of the local girls chasing after the sexpats (see china anniversary).

Ho Ngoc Ha

But Ha got bitter when asked if the rumors were true that Cuong had bought her an expensive mansion abroad and other lavish gifts. “People will surely buzz about that. But I haven’t done anything wrong. Everybody who knows me will tell you how hardworking I’ve been so far. People are ignoring my serious preparations for childbirth if they think a house or a car is why I’m pregnant. But the more wicked the rumor is, the more my lover appreciates me. He understands how much I have to suffer." ~ Thanh Nien News

In a country where women are known to be the breadwinners and the men are known to be lazy, it is very ironic that the male species 'wear the pants'. The CFO is retiring and a local lady is being promoted to his position. When asked if she would continue the celebration with us after the event was over, she responded that her husband would not permit that and that he was coming to pick her up. While I never thought that the 'breadwinner' concept gave a person the right to set the rules for a relationship, I do think that it should give the person a 'voice' in a relationship. She remarked that it is not the Vietnamese way, and that the husband 'sets the rules and trains the wife'. 

I have two aunts who have husbands who have never really worked and gambled their earnings away. I have cousins who learned the same behavior from their fathers. A friend's mother has had to constantly sell off her properties and businesses that she has worked her entire life to build in order to pay off her husband's constant drinking and gambling debts - he also does not work. I find it very sad that women are not appreciated for such sufferings and sacrifices. Yet they do not leave their husbands either, whether out of stupidity, love, loyalty, tradition or some/all of the above. Who needs children when you have a husband to take care of? However, in this case, it is like saying though that the children sets the rules and tells the parents what to do. Hats off to the guy(s) who masterminded the events that got this to be the deep-seeded tradition/culture! [note the sarcasm]

me love you long time (part 3)

NYC may be the only place in the world where a 'never been married' single woman (i.e., almost cougar) does not cause consternation. Asking someone's age, salary and marital status are not taboo in Vietnam. So upon my arrival, I was not put off when the cab driver went through my rank and serial number.

Salary

While I have not directly been asked by strangers about my salary, I do get questions regarding other monetary matters, such as the purchase price of a house, and currently, rental budget. However, after being the recipient of the typical Asian mother guilt trip, I have previously disclosed such information to my parents - each time being burned when I find out that my mother somehow feels as if it is within her right to use that information as some 'boasting tool'.

Besides the obvious betrayal of confidences, I am of the belief that money does not define one's happiness or success, and personally, hate it when Asian parents do this 'cock strutting' maneuver, as it inevitably puts a lot of pressure on some other child that is constantly told that he/she should be 'more like so and so' rather than being whatever makes him/her happy and defining his/her own success. Needless to say, it's been a very, very long time since my parents have been privy to such information, not necessarily because I have this overarching innate sense of privacy but rather this passionate aversion to the unproductive uses of such information that results in negative outcomes (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)).

Age

I have never had a problem with my age. However, sometimes my age (or my carefree attitude about it) bothers others around me. Because of my youthful appearance (or should I say, benefitting from such), I tend to attract younger men. Eventually age comes up in the 'getting to know each other' stage. Recently, a relatively new female friend (as an old one would know me better) chastised me for not lying about my age. My rationale? If the man is so bothered by age, he would still be bothered later on even if it was a year into the relationship, not to mention that you've started a potential relationship based on a lie. Either way, it would be a waste of time for all parties involved. We ended up agreeing to disagree.

I actually love my 30's and am looking forward to officially being a cougar, although I've been one in training.

Marital Status

While my views on the institution of marriage continues to evolve, most have very definitive views on it. Married people somehow feel the need for others around them to be married as well - I am not entirely sure if that is to share their happiness or misery.

So after the taxi driver found out my marital status, he commented that I need to find a husband soon since I was probably almost 30 and no longer young. I immediately corrected him on my age as I found his advice comical. He spent the next few minutes quizzing me on my reasons. As I was taking in my new surroundings, he apparently was stewing in silence, perplexed by my situation. Fifteen minutes later, he asked whether in America, the women who weren't married at my age were those who men didn't want. While others may be offended by such comment, I found it mildly amusing that it was the only explanation he could come up with. He proceeded to lecture me on the need to have children as one's duty which was a reason that I needed to get married. The irony was that he had disclosed to me earlier that his wife could not have children.

In the states, when I turned in my work computer, the IT men asked me if I was going to Vietnam to find a husband. My mother's initial comment when she found out about my plans was her concern that I would go over here and find a husband that required my family to take care of his family. When I was here 2 years ago for my grandmother's funeral, I noticed that many of the friends and family were whispering about my age and marital status, as if somehow I was embarrassed or sad about my 'situation'.

During that time, when I made a weekend trip to Bangkok, I was asked by someone there whether I had at least been engaged before. Upon re-entry to Vietnam, the visa man and immigration man, individually, asked me whether my husband was traveling with me or why he would allow me to travel alone, apparently it must be rare for a woman to travel without a companion. I hadn't been here a full week, and the managing director and HR director have been conspiring to set me up with a doctor friend of the HR director. After getting my rental budget (see Salary above), a distant family friend tried to convince me to significantly reduce my rental budget and live in the outskirts of town so that I can save my money to get a husband. Seriously...

After almost two decades of this, I discover that it is a very fine line between explaining and being perceived as being defensive. I find more humor in letting people stew in their filters, perceptions and societal norms to justify whatever assumptions they have come up with, despite the fact that both divorce and infidelity have become the norm in both US and Vietnam. Many do not understand that it has been a choice, and with anything, it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind...given the right situation. The next few years should be very interesting, and I have no doubt that there will be an abundance of fodder for this topic on the blog.