barbie world

During my month in Bali, I traveled mostly with women in their 20s and 30s - all in the fitness industry, with most of them there for an aerialist training. Social media is a primary source of their livelihood, a medium to recruit clients to their OnlyFans or fitness profiles. The best editing apps or filters on Instagram or Tiktok were common topics. I found myself chronicling more of my travel on Instagram this time around, with friends encouraging me to do so as they enjoy keeping tabs on my experiences. 

It was interesting to learn the 'tricks of the trade' - the positions, the lighting, the angles, etc. that brings out one's best look. Perhaps at some point it becomes second nature but it seemed a lot of work to me, when it appeared to kill so much time getting the right Instagram photo or video. Everything was 'insta' - insta-weight loss, insta-abs, insta-booty, insta-contouring, insta-teeth whitener, insta-full lips ... 

In a world of insecurities, envy and FOMO, conforming to be the 'standard' or 'norm' was a rat race to the bottom of mental health. In Vietnam, I found myself being curious of establishments where I would see a number of people taking pictures as some memento, only to find out that there was nothing special about the place other than it being 'Instagrammable'. The Vibes is a multi-event venue that was designed specifically with this in mind. The atmosphere, the plating, etc. are photo-perfect but the food, drinks and service make it clear that what is reflected in the prices are the photo ops.

During my walks, I frequently ran into duos/trios with trash bags of clothes and jewelry, oftentimes with tags still on them, doing photo shoots with their smartphones. It reminded me of my time in Bali, spending time waiting for my travel companions to plan their daily outfits and/or hair and makeup. While we may all be aware of the filters and editing that goes on, we all seem to have some dissonance with the illusion and reality.

BDC (synchronicity (part 2)) would say that he preferred natural beauty yet he would also spend countless hours scrolling through social media or dating apps with FOMO of the illusory women. He had issues with partners, including me, on our wardrobe either not being sexy enough or too sexy. Despite his protests, I knew he had an issue with my age, and as with any of his other 'conquests', I was just a story for him. 

Being around the women on the other side of his screen, I found myself intrigued by that world. It was empowering that a woman could make over 100Gs catering to these men's delusions. Men paying to fly some of the OnlyFans women for a 'vacation' and yet somehow telling themselves and others that they don't pay for sex was an 'alternative fact'. He was convinced that when he paid for an OnlyFans person to rate his dick, it somehow was sincere and not canned, primarily because of a reference to a delay in doing so. They laughed and explained to me that it was part of their bag of tricks to add to the delusion.

I did find myself feeling self-conscious with his issue on my age as I was traveling with them. I tried the filters, which (perhaps the universe intervening) didn't work on my Instagram, and the photo edit apps that seemed to just be such time suckers to my being in the moment and experiencing Bali and its people. Clearly practice makes perfect as they seem to be able to do all of that much more efficiently, and I will have to say, the results were sometimes amazing. 

I think a healing moment for me though was when new friends (young 20s) were discussing the age of my travel companion who is in her late 30s and struggles with a lot of insecurities including body image. I was torn whether to remain silent or not. In the end, I spoke up, having to reveal my age to provide context and speak on her behalf. In the patriarchal world where men are admired for the 'salt and pepper looks', feminine empowerment should include women supporting each other (spiritual masters) as we are on a continuum of a similar aging cycle. They were humbled and had spoken boldly as they had made the assumption that I was just a bit older than them (early 30s). Age in the end is just a number that for many is used to 'bully' others into their insecurities.

Greta Gerwig's Barbie attempts interlace the zeitgeist of the modern era to redeem the unrealistic standard of perfection that added to the sexist and misogynistic view of women as 'eye-candy'. Having an existential crisis, Barbie enters the real world and somehow learns the importance of inner beauty. Over its six plus decades, Barbie has been revamped with various careers as some inspiration for girls; however, it took 57 years for its body shape to change in 2016. She is still Caucasian (the quest for snow white), despite a majority of the world being Asian. While Ken is just Ken, Barbie still epitomizes the expectation that a woman be 'everything' with stellar look, career woman, silent partner and perfect mother - all at the same time, feeding into the delusions of men like BDC and incels.

Barbie has Barbie learning about self-love and Ken learning self-awareness. While there are debates and cultural wars on this movie, it is more about humanism and the choices we have in life, including empowerment, and the choice of using it from love or from fear, including enabling illusions that keep us from our own truths.

heart beats

Traveling again, especially to less developed countries, makes COVID seem like an episode of the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror. While some still wear masks, most are doing so to protect from the smog and pollution, especially when the primary mode of transportation is motorbikes. While many in my circle, including myself, contracted COVID, with some, as many as four+ times, luckily, none passed away from it.

But what will never fully be quantified will be the deaths that occurred because of COVID's impact in the world, from logistics/economy (e.g., overtaxed medical system, inability to get food and resources to those in need due to transportation and/or financial constraints) to mental health (e.g., depression, broken relationships, stress). The huge demand for emotional support animals also resulted in the unfortunate abandonment of such furry friends when life adjusted to a new normal, ranging from an increase of 25% in places like England to 50% in India. 

At the same time, in a country where animals were generally kept for functional purposes (e.g., security or rodent management), I was surprised and elated to see how pets are now being treated in Vietnam, with a significant increase in pet clinics/veterinarians, groomers, boarders, and even cat cafes for people to pay to spend time with the kitties. Walking past a Vietnamese man sitting on a little stool at a local street cafe cuddling and talking to his canine pal made my heart smile. Of course, the experience made me think of baby girl, followed by the excitement of the imminent adoption of her kin.

While I had wished I had captured the loving scene for my IG stories (a new way to catalog my travels), I was happy to just be present. Seeing an IG message from an old high school friend, who had shared that she had been enjoying my travel 'stories', I was saddened to hear the passing of my prom 'date' the day before. He had died of a heart attack in his sleep. He marks the third man in my circle and age group, with the other two being college classmates, who have been victims of the leading cause of deaths in the US since the start of the pandemic. Another close friend who was a surrogate father at a point in my life also succumbed to the disease; however, he was older and had a history battling the disease.

Unlike with the 'surrogate father', there was no warning, and perhaps with the stresses of the pandemic, it became the silent killer that we can't prepare for. When I had gotten word that Jay (22 and 11:11 (part 10)) passed right before Christmas 2020, intermixed with the initial shock was a smile and a knowing that Jay had beat us all in accomplishing his life's dream, that kept us up late at night for hours just connecting and talking about all the complexities of life. I knew that where I may have missed my initial train (11:11 (part 10)), Jay made his. I still feel Jay with me at times, as recently as saudade (part 6).

I knew that most news happen in Facebook, so upon hearing the news about my prom 'date', I temporarily reinstated Facebook, something I had deleted since the pandemic, to find that the news of his passing had not made it there yet. However, it was with a happy yet saudade heart that I soon discovered that he recently got married in December 2022. We weren't really in contact since high school, as I left a lot of that trauma behind for me. But when I had joined Facebook in late 2008, he found me and had messaged me to see how I was doing. We must have kept in touch sporadically after that as I have his contact information. In looking at our Facebook messenger chat, the next and last time we had contact was before the pandemic, when I had sent him a YouTube video on 'Twin Flames/Soulmates/Divine Partners - Searching For Answers', it must have been in response to a post he had as my intro was 'this may help you'.

As with Jay, I knew Steven had finally realized his dream. Much like Helen in Sliding Doors, he met his boo. He had struggled so long to come out of the closet and find 'home'. It seems fitting that it is also Pride Month, which although there still isn't a parade in Ho Chi Minh City to commemorate it, there are more visible signs including companies supporting and sponsoring activities around the city. It brings me such peace to know that for all of these men in my life, they were surrounded by love when their hearts stopped beating.

* * * * *

Update August 20, 2023:

At the age of 33, her heart also stopped in the middle of the night. As a pre-teen, she was diagnosed with long QT syndrome that caused her parents to pull her out of soccer which she loved. As an adult, she made the decision to live life and not let the condition debilitate her. Skydiving for her was not only defying gravity but also her genetic predisposition. She forgave easily and loved fully. Her family gifted me her last creation that had a special meaning to her, from the careful curation of the gemstones for their meaning and her favorite colors to her spirit animal that contain three hearts and nine brains, one in each tentacle and the biggest brain-to-body ratio of the invertebrates, making it one of the most intelligent marine species.

My Octopus Teacher brought us into their worlds, showing us the ability for these colorful creatures to form relationships with humans. While known to be solitary creatures, scientists are recently discovering the complexity of their ability to form relationships among themselves, utilizing colors to communicate, and with other species. In one experiment, four octopi were given MDMA, and despite serotonin transporters nearly identical to humans, scientists had hypothesized that its lack of the parts of the brain that results in behavioral changes from drug use would override, negating any impacts. They were surprised to see that the octopi were all cuddly.

This behavior has usually only been observed during mating, which marks the beginning of senescence and their eventual deaths. The female spends over six months guarding her thousands of eggs, unable to catch prey to nourish herself, slowing starving herself and with her last breath, uses her siphon to blow the hatchlings into their new world.

In her own way, Jessica left those she loved with parts of herself that will guide them to their new 'world'. I finished her special mala today before her memorial service. After cleansing and charging the energy in the moonlight, I set the intention of the mala to live fully and love wholeheartedly. While already on the journey of carpe diem and 11:11 (part 4), I know along with Jay, Jess will guide me towards the remainder of my journey.

stone skipping (part 13)

An experience with a recent travel companion with many of the same characteristics of a recent ex (saudade (part 5), in the NOW, bluebird, saudade (part 6), patois, and synchronicity (part 2)), right down the the ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. While my initial reaction was to clarify assumptions and accusations made about me, it took but a split second to realize that this was an opportunity for me to reinforce a recent learning of not exerting effort in a low-vibrational situation where the person had no space to hear anything other than their own self-delusions.

Not allowing someone to bring me out of my alignment to my SELF, it felt amazing not to be triggered and stay in my own joy and happiness while leaving the person with well wishes of positive energy, love and healing. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

At the same time, the universe reinforced the lesson that sometimes our mark is not to see the progress of someone's growth and healing but to leave ripples (from the stone skipping series), and perhaps we will be blessed along the way to receive messages, as I did a few days ago, to share in the happiness of someone's healing journey.

"Words cannot express the enormity of how valuable your contribution to my life has been. I was a 9 out of 10 narcissist; as bad as one could be while still maintaining the last sliver of capacity for change. I know it was you who chose to take on this callenge because no one else in my life could've done it. I love you and I can't wait for the day when I've fully healed and possess the capacity to truly love you as you have always loved me. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me. In many ways, I owe you my life."

We finally connected this morning for him (11:11 (part 11), ,triggering, leap of faith, three of swords, small packages, rub-a-dub-dub, chimera, synchronicity (part 2)) to share his breakthrough of releasing the core bedrock of his anger from childhood that has resulted in his holding onto anger and victimhood in practically every other aspect of his life. While the technique/tool that was used was not new in what we have tried in the past, his journey had finally led him to a point where he wanted to release the anger and victimhood for nobody but himself, and shifting that perspective was the miracle that he needed (saudade (part 4) and in the NOW), allowing him to unburden even the heaviness that was trapped in his body.

As is with so many others after him, he had not realized how his self-delusions had made him believe that he was content (synchronicity (part 2)), yet harming so many and leaving a trail of trauma in his wake as in his repressed hurt, he hurt others (including himself, re-traumatizing self limiting beliefs), until someone provided that mirror for him. In the end, he was the only one who could give himself the courage to look at that mirror objectively and want true happiness for himself, which includes not hurting others in that quest. I hope that with the recent ex and traveling companion that they also find the courage within themselves to be bold and find their truth within themselves. In the meantime, my heart is full and smiling today for a soul who is choosing love over fear.

saudade (part 6)

When a ripple turns out to be a tsunami, the consultant in me wonders if it could have been avoided. Perhaps the recent return of the raven from bubble of bliss was an omen. During the witching hours, I seem to have received downloads that allowed me to detach from my hurt/trauma, and piece together various communications over the last few months. I have spent my entire life connecting dots, trying to make sense of what isn't being said, looking for red flags to protect myself from being preyed upon as my self-preservation. bluebird taught me that someone's negative behavior could be less about me but more about cognitive dissonance to the self.

While we may have similar love languages of touch and words of affirmation and personality type of pioneer, our approach to life, including ways of communication or getting to know people, are at times, vastly different. I have learned to over-communicate to minimize misunderstandings over the years, yet with an ADHD brain, I am learning that large chunks of communication and at rapid pace can be overwhelming to the point that it is not received properly as the executive function may jumble the details.

I wasn't sure where the tears of joy were coming from as I excitedly shared that I may be beginning to understand what had been going on with us from his side, but rather than connect the dots of what wasn't being said, I found myself trying to parse the words he did say over time, and ATTUNE it from his perspective rather than mine. In researching communication differences with someone with ADHD, I was surprised to read from Don't Just Talk, Communicate that becoming confrontational, including blaming others or shutting down conversations/conflict resolution (behaviors that trigger me), was a common behavior. Clamming up or confused/scattered thoughts/musings have also previously triggered me because from past experiences with exes, these were defensive tactics from someone who didn't want to be accountable, rather than from someone whose brain functions differently.

I find myself being more grateful now, rather than frustrated or triggered, at the times when he communicates that we need to pause because he's not able to receive the information. Some of that may have to do with shutting down communication, but some of that is the ability to manage the information. As with bluebird, similar behaviors may not have nefarious reasons. Perhaps, unlike others who preceded him, it truly is subconscious.

When I woke up at the witching hour this time, the title of a video had me wondering if it was a message, but it led to a few other ones, culminating in one that explains why the over-reaction (tsunami) needed to happen.

I needed to learn to release my sense of self to truly hear the other. I needed the tsunami (pain-body) for me to see that comparing how others treat me to how they treat others, created a lot of trauma/re-triggering that stemmed from childhood, when perhaps I am just in a category of my own and should just focus on the happiness and fun I'm feeling in the NOW, a reminder to be present and not let thoughts become unwanted manifestations. My tears of joy, it would seem, was from the happiness of realizing that he was changing his patterns and that I was processing traumas/patterns from the mirroring that was being reflected back to me. In doing so, we are getting a step closer to a transcendence level.

On Instagram this morning, someone posted a recommendation for the Four Seasons in Koh Samui, taking me back to bubble of bliss. I had been highlighting to him that our love will never be like the 'great' love that he was perhaps comparing to as it is different. In a moment of saudade, I realized the irony that our love is also very different from the 'great' connection I felt in bubble of bliss. It feels more light and liberating, not obsessive, but like a sense of being home. I manifested this relationship; I manifested these experiences of pain-body in order for us to break cycles; and I manifested this love from the feeling I felt in Koh Samui to something beyond what I understood love to be at that time, unattached to anyone. It was also a reminder that I'm still manifesting that bath in a tub with a view like that in our villa in Koh Samui, and I'm grateful for someone who enjoys bathtime.

bluebird

This chapter of my life seemed to start with the unboxing, a life requiring self-reliance and self-sufficiency since the age of three (full circle (part 8)). It wasn't until blossoming did I begin to understand the balance that I needed to discover, and while the reclaiming the cunt series touched upon my journey to embrace my femininity, it was unfathomable to me the intensity of vulnerability that it would entail.

Yet only from truly letting go and closing a chapter in 2022 (weightless), perhaps around the time a chapter was closing for him, did an unexpected door open for me to jump into the depths of surrendering to the unknown. Being more intentional about establishing a healthy relationship is a lofty endeavor but a minimum requirement to ending our unhealthy patterns from lifelong traumas. While it was unexpected, it should not have been surprising that two of the biggest themes in my life would surface early for me to get some semblance of closure (saudade (part 5)).

Prior plans put a pause or perhaps, gave us the opportunity to explore different aspects of a relationship that the oxytocin hormone from the physical tends to get us caught up in the NRE (new relationship energy). But for two people whose love languages are touch and words of affirmation, coupled with quality time for me, it became more challenging for me than I had expected (surprisingly, given that my first relationship was a long-distance one for multiple years).

While feeling safe and trust seem to be two halves of the same coin, my tendency has been to trust, and have people chip away at that rather than having them earn it. Over time, self-preservation has refined my 'bullshit' detector although my penchant to forgive and believing that people want to grow and be better versions of themselves left me overstaying my welcome of self-care.

It wasn't until chancing upon Dr. Gottman (at 19:14 to 24:44 minutes) a couple of weeks ago did it occur to me that while I had been learning that a lot of my pleasure had to do with trust and safety during my exploration of sex, something that came up for us very early on, the missing component in my approach of blindingly trusting people and being an 'open book' was having people 'earn my vulnerability' as Brené Brown says (stepping out). It was with a lot of sadness to realize that I had perhaps only experienced that emotional safe haven from a man, a mere boy himself, once in my life with the mind and heart of a 7 year-old child (moments that matter (part 1)), only to have another emotion of frisson take over upon sensing that I may have chanced upon another man (in the NOW), in some knowing at a cellular level that I cannot seem to explain.

With the lack of touch and quality time, the logical part of me that was pivotal to the self-preservation of my masculine energy (bubble of bliss and leap of faith) had me in my head running the loop of his cageyness and defensiveness, projecting my past experiences with similar behaviors as obfuscation of some lie or manipulation onto him, rather than perhaps giving us both grace that the defensiveness could also be from fear of hurting someone or being less than perfect, instead of guilt.

Rather than ending a pattern of overstaying my welcome, being trigger happy to eject seemed to be an overcompensation and a pattern I do not wish to set. With aplomb, it takes me to the memory of one of my first snow angels in the mountains of Vermont, falling back as the powder snow enveloped me, sinking deeper, while the sunny, clear blue sky warmed my face as I closed my eyes and moved my limbs like flying in the clouds...perhaps due to the potency of his masculinity, perhaps due to the next layer that is exposed in processing my 'trauma', my soul sighed a silent 'yes' to the surrendering to the abyss, perchance, into a safe haven and warm arms for me to shed the masculine side that was needed for survival, and discover and embrace the feminine side that I left behind in my childhood.

saudade (part 5)

I have learned in my life journey that there are no coincidences in life. The relationships we choose to engage in represent mirrors to our souls. If we have the courage to see what is reflected back to us in our behaviors and reactions to the other, we can unveil some latent part of us that needs to be seen and heard. In May Pang's Why We Need Bad Things to Happen to Us, she highlights the universal truth that we can only appreciate who we are today if we know what the journey that got us here, and with the Taoist principle of duality, one can only appreciate the light, if he/she knows the darkness.

Working through my fears of 'unwantedness' or 'being hidden' has manifested throughout my life in so many layers like the Matryoshka doll (saudade (part 4)), chipping away at different facets of the same theme. While I thought that they were behind me (hide 'n seek, full circle (part 2), full circle (part 3), full circle (part 4), full circle (part 8), and lost 'n found), it came roaring its ugly head. Perhaps the random contacts from two recent exes who kept stoking these themes throughout our relationships should have been the portent that told me to brace myself. Yet doing things differently this time, and handing the keys to my inner demons to someone had me foolishly believing I had guarded myself from them coming back up. Needless to say, I was not prepared. I found myself curling up as that little girl again. In the cocoon of my own bed, I knew I needed a little miracle as Marianne Williamson says and shift my perspective (saudade (part 4)). 

I wanted to run. I wanted to see it as a sign that this journey, while short-lived, had served its purpose. Yet I knew that it was that part of me that had reservations for starting this journey in the first place, and where there is fear, it is a place I need to walk in. Within my glance was the box of curated items representing the hope of where the journey could go with intentional exploration and connection at a deeper level, and in that moment, the miracle in shifting my perspective had me realizing that I needed to make a different choice than running. As my friend recently reminded me (spiritual masters and saudade (part 4)), elevating one's energy/vibrations isn't about who you attract but what you're attracted to, and the people with those negative energies will always be around us...how we react to it is the choice for us to change our pattern(s). Rather than choosing to lick my wounds and becry the supposed retraumatization, I realized that this was just as much about my triggers as it was his.

While I thought overcoming my ego and reaching out to resolve things when I was the one who got hurt was the toughest challenge, it turned out being ignored and trivialized steeled my resolve that there was more to this than met the eye. Luckily, I had another incident early on as a frame of reference to how he handles situations and the drastic difference in the two reactions solidified my knowing that something else was going on with him that perhaps he himself wasn't aware of, as hurt people hurt others despite their best intentions.

Yet, there is a learning to be had in any negative experience, and as Pang noted, one of the outcomes when bad things happen is that it can result in 'serendipitous discoveries'. I did learn more about myself this weekend. Like how I was surprised to learn that one of my love languages is touch, something I was deprived of in childhood (saudade (part 2) and modern love), I unpeeled another 'layer of the onion' in my draw to shibari and/or BDSM. What I had thought was driven by an opportunity to relinquish control to someone else, the duality of someone who has had to be independent and responsible her whole life (ftale) may be more along the path of where full circle (part 9) was taking me and why I still struggle to receive without feeling the need to reciprocate or trusting that there are no conditions in the purity of the gesture (blossoming and surrendering to the unknown). In the moments that the rope is binding me like a kiss or a hug or with the pleasurable pain of the flog, I can surrender to trusting that someone is finally going to take care of me and has my best interest at heart.

11:11 (part 14)

As I waited at the bus stop today, someone I had just thought about called as if she read my mind. After a energetically heavy week, my soul was feeling excited to be heading to lighter, loving energy, and that synchronous phone call seemed to be a good omen for the weekend ahead. At the same time I was going through my experience this week, I was also helping a friend through his, sharing my recent learnings from various sources, including the basic reminder to bushwhack through the ego. Both parties felt mistreated by the other and in reality, they were mirroring the same behaviors. He was struggling with repeating old patterns and had difficulties tapping into his Higher Self/Holy Spirit and come from a place of love. To my pleasant surprise, a miracle happened, probably the most proud I've been in his progress to date.

The bus ride to the other side of the island was beautiful - full of amazing ocean views, flora, fauna and local life in small villages. When the ACIM meditation started, a smile took over my whole body as it practically summarized my week:

"Lesson 75 - The light has come.

 1. The light has come. You are healed and you can heal. The light has come. You are saved and you can save. You are at peace, and you bring peace with you wherever you go. Darkness and turmoil and death have disappeared. The light has come.

2. Today we celebrate the happy ending to your long dream of disaster. There are no dark dreams now. The light has come. Today the time of light begins for you and everyone. It is a new era, in which a new world is born. The old one has left no trace upon it in its passing. Today we see a different world, because the light has come.

3. Our exercises for today will be happy ones, in which we offer thanks for the passing of the old and the beginning of the new. No shadows from the past remain to darken our sight and hide the world forgiveness offers us. Today we will accept the new world as what we want to see. We will be given what we desire. We will to see the light; the light has come..."

It felt so light being in the presence of a loving couple and their son. When they trusted me with something personal, it was natural to offer them my "service" to help them on a healing journey. At the same time, in disclosing an experience with mutual friends earlier in the year that had kept anger in me, they were kind to help me leave the anger in the past and forgive the parties involved. A testament to ACIM lesson 137 (spiritual masters) that we don't heal alone.

saudade (part 4)

When I started on this recent journey to Hawai'i, I somehow knew that Ka Makuahine would be instrumental in connecting the different parts of me to the present (saudade (part 1)). When the event from spiritual masters transpired, I didn't quite understand what was happening and how it escalated. My muscle memory had me triggered but the unboxing had me realize that it was exactly what I had manifested. Like the Matryoshka doll, opening one doll leads to another one until the last one (the baby, so to speak). The history of the Matryoshka ("little matron") dolls stem from the Fukurama figurine with nested Buddhist sage but its main purpose is 'to surprise' as each one is unique. I was surprised at where this path eventually took me.

What seemed at the time to feel as if I was misunderstood once again, and the little girl, who always cried in her frustration of having to exert so much energy to be heard, showed up that night. The timing was critical and turned out to be the Fall Equinox.

"Today is also the Fall Equinox, a moment in time where balance and harmony are magnified...This is the time of the year where we feel the balance between the dark and the light. We are also preparing for a more internal and reflective half of the year. These equinox and solstice portals are great times to practice meditation and activations to realign our energy field."

~ Jai Gobind - Moon Magic Report, September 21-27 

Marianne Williamson defines a 'miracle' as a shift in perspective in A Return to Love. When I was first learning about Law of Attraction and vibrations, it seemed as if we attract the vibration or thoughts we give off. Initially, I viewed that as the vibration that I was emanating that caused me to attract narcissism, for example. Yet, processing this experience with a magical friend who always seem to give me courage to peel back the layers to get to the baby (or little girl), I realized that it was much more nuanced. 

The next layer is that energy/vibrations does not distinguish between 'want' and 'not want' so rather than focusing on what we don't want, we should believe in what we want. I have been guilty of applying this concept incorrectly. The guest/woman tried to not so subtly imply that I was the source of drama when she stated that she never attracts drama. Yet, we are having that moment where clearly she is perceiving a situation as drama and reacting to it herself.

The next layer and the shift that I am now seeing is that it isn't about what we supposedly attract but more about how we respond to it. The so-called drama is all around us but are we perceiving it as drama or better yet, are we responding to it as such, or are we impervious to it? That teaching seemed a lot quicker to apply when posing the question of why am I attracting narcissism to shift to why am I attracted to it? The former contains mild whiffs of victim shadow despite appearing to take responsibility for the vibrations/energy that we are emitting. Yet the latter, is much more empowering to truly own that we can choose to walk away from that and retrain the muscle memory that has me attracted to such energy.

Two recent events had me being told that the person doesn't believe me after speaking my truth. Yet when I called attention to the fact that he is either accusing me of lying or he has trust issues with me, he denied both, and at the same time, accused me of being defensive. The same energy that I felt when the woman above blamed me for her reaction based on an energy she is perceiving from me despite me again speaking my truth that was counter to her claims. He is a friend so after plowing through the uncomfortableness as we had similar willingness to resolve the situation, he acknowledged that he should be more mindful about modifying his language to 'I don't understand you' rather than 'I don't believe you'. She, however, shut down all communications as if somehow I was invading her boundaries. As Williamson notes in her livestream (September 20, 2022) we can all learn from each other and humility exists in the application of that. We should want to engage with people who don't always agree with us, yet "some people would rather die than change their minds."

My neighbor, who recognizes that she is slowly finding her strength in healing from trauma, quickly set the boundary to stay away from the negative energy she felt from guest (spiritual masters), I have learned since full circle (part 2) that many boundaries should be temporary as we work through our traumas and triggers. Many use boundaries to imply that someone is crossing it to somehow intentionally trigger the person. While this is true, the other side of that coin is that we should take responsibility for healing what triggers us so that it is no longer our response. She felt energetically that the guest is a 'bully', which that little girl in me who showed up clearly felt that night when I found myself apologizing for my truth.

Interestingly, I had asked the guest the question about the collective energy that seemed to repeat history with Hitler via Trump. She dodged it by stating that it is a much longer discussion than what she wanted to engage in. The universe heard my question though and in a few succinct sentences, Williamson answered my question the next day in her livestream. Williamson echos my belief that people are basically good. Those who hate though hate with conviction and are much louder, whereas 'love is whispering'. When the neighbor mentioned what she felt from the guest's energy, I recognized how much space the guest has taken up in her short time here. Her scent, her things, and her energy seem to command attention and take space.

When I was asked if I would leave to get away from the negative energy, I knew that courage and growth comes from not running away from the discomfort. This is also my temporary home. She's the guest, and I am choosing to not let her silence my truth, especially as with any bullies, they get their power from the illusion that they have instilled fear in others. I am grateful for my magical friend who is always a source to ground and help me understand each layer that unfolds, and the various messages from the universe to remind me that I am right where I need to be.

It was good to be reminded that there is power in staying true to ourselves and not be triggered as the other person may be forced to look in the mirror when the energy they are giving off isn't 'bounced back' in another human that they can blame, much like my colleague in to err is human, to forgive, divine.

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

~ C.G. Jung 

David Hawkins also mentions this in Power vs. Force when he illustrates the high vibrations of Alcoholics Anonymous that one of the earlier steps is being honest with oneself, or as Williamson terms 'fearless moral inventory' of oneself. I have forgiven myself for apologizing that night and letting someone bully my truth into silence. But that experience taught me one thing about the little girl who has been struggling to be understood. In the same light as Brené Brown's adage about people 'earning the right to your vulnerability', the only person that needs to understand me is me. I know my heart, I know my intentions, and I know my willingness. I am standing true to being of service to others as my North Node emphasizes.

"We need to coddle each other's neuroses less and honor each other's greatness more, not from a sense of ego because you happen to be great. [ACIM] says all of the children of God are special and none of the children of God are special. You have greatness within you. It is a power in you but not of you. As we say here all the time, you are not the water, you're the faucet. But as I said before, he says do not be concerned about your own readiness, just be consistently aware of mine. If you're afraid to go forth into any day or any situation, he says in [ACIM], the presence of fear is a sure sign that you're trusting in your own strength. You can be great in any situation. Not because of you but because of he who lives within you. That there is within us no more and no less, than in anyone else, a spirit that can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. that can do nothing short of working miracles. That can lift us up. That can give us charisma. Charisma is a spiritual term. It means 'of the spirit'."

~ Marianne Williamson - How to Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

I would be open to trying to understand the guest (and anyone else) if and when she decides to show up as her authentic self (man in the mirror), but I now understand why she didn't bother to try to understand me, and that little girl is jumping for joy that I have performed a 'miracle' and shifted my perspective.

"What is not loved is not understood."

~ Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

spiritual masters

When I reflect upon the (wo)man in mirror, I am reminded of the many spiritual masters who have graced this planet and left tools for us to work through our individual journeys to a world of love. They all share the same message, just in different ways that hopefully will resonate with different people. In each of us is the Holy Spirit (our Higher Selves) that guides us, yet we have ancestral DNA and/or childhood traumas that put up barriers to us trusting ourselves.

When I started on the path of exploration of connecting with my body (face of the girl (part 2) and YUMmy), it did not come from a place of love but from a place of resentment and rebellion with a touch of the Italian chin flick to say 'I don't care'. In line with the Law of Cause and Effect, this brought on a lot of learnings that didn't necessarily come up in the most healthy ways but in searching for tools to process what bubbled up, the universe guided me towards a journey of spiritual awakening that finally had me tap into deeper learnings from early sources in my life like A Conversation with God (to err is human, to forgive, divine) or the Christian Bible that at the time, certain parts did not make a lot of sense.

"Spirituality is the path of the heart. It is the path of using the mind in a loving way. But in order to do this, we must discipline ourselves to do so because the world view, the mental filter, that dominates the planet is not a mental filter based on love. It is a mental filter that is based on fear. And so, '[A] Course in Miracles' [("ACIM")] tells us that even though we were born with the natural tendency to give and to receive love from a very early age, we are taught a world view that is not based on love and proactively, repudiates and resists love. As a consequence, [ACIM] says by the time we are pretty early age, that which is natural thinking actually feels unnatural to us. And that which is unnatural feels natural. so that we instinctively at this point go from the wrong-minded perception. We are instinctively lured and tempted towards the anger, towards the toughness, towards the separation, towards the attack and towards the defense. The spiritual journey is a dismantling of the thought system that dominates the world. [ACIM] says enlightenment is not a learning. It is an unlearning. It is an unlearning of perspective of fear and substituting instead the perspective of love, which is God's perspective, which is natural to who we are."

~ Marianne Williamson - How To Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

With that also came a number of people coming in and out of my orbit on their own spiritual journey. Yet similar to the sex positive community, I have discovered a lot of people who have used spirituality as a way to manipulate others and/or to self-declare that they are enlightened beings as if it is some special badge. Having fallen into the lure and sense of belonging that organized religion provides and the subsequent detrimental judgement and outcasting that brings on isolation and detachment, I have luckily been able to 'feel' those situations and not get too enmeshed. With the current political environment all over the world, the psychology behind cults have taken center stage with many saying that the followers have been brainwashed, implying that people can't think for themselves.

"The Secret" movie was created to share a universal law that isn't so secret and can even be found in ancient texts, including Matthew 21:22, to the masses. In what appears to be someone's moment of sales/get/scarcity mentality (looking out for self) rather than service/give/abundance mentality (looking out for others), Abraham Hicks was asked to give up their intellectual property or be removed from the production. Although contractually, they had a viable suit, they decided to walk the path of least resistance with the guidance from Abraham that says "Whenever you are given an ultimatum that says, 'if you don't do this, then we will have to do such and such,' it is best that you just let it go and move on. Otherwise, there is always another, and this, and this, and this?" Unfortunately, the critical moments that were scrapped also provided the context in utilizing Law of Attraction from a place of service rather than self, leaving "The Secret" to feel a lot about manifesting material attachments. Ironically, "The Secret" talks about knowledge being surpressed; however, by removing Abraham Hicks, they have further suppressed the "secret" by 'dumbing down' the guidance without the spiritual context.

In both the sex positive and spiritual communities, I have witnessed how words like 'consent', 'compersion', 'law of attraction', 'manifestation', 'nonviolent communications', 'high vibrational people', etc. have been used in vain and becomes back-handed judgements to further isolate people (into fear) rather than support a sense of belonging (into love). If someone doesn't have money flowing towards them, it is perceived as the person having a lot of blockages and therefore, unable to manifest money. Yet in the spirit of the Law of Attraction, manifesting for the ego is the antithesis to coming from a place of love.

"Language is a leader's charisma. It's what empowers them to create a mini universe - a system of values and truths - and then compel their followers to heed its rules...Without language, there are no 'cults'...But with a glimmer of willingness, language can do so much to squash independent thinking, obscure truths, encourage confirmation bias, and emotionally charge experiences such that no other way of life seems possible."

~ Amanda Montell (Daily Beast, June 27, 2021) 

While there isn't an overarching leader, the New Age movement that has people migrating to Tulum, Bali or Hawaii has quite the cult following, including various sects with defined leaders like The Miracle School where leaders have been accused of abusing their power and manipulating followers for perverse goals. Many of these sects work much like a Ponzi scheme, encouraging followers to recruit others to create their own mini-community. Followers feel judged and shamed for not 'doing the work' to gain some magical enlightenment. I have found that many, in and out of these mini-communities, profess to have gifts like channeling, energy work, past lives readings, etc. One day they may be talking about their traumas, and the next they have 'fixed' all their traumas and are now providing these 'magical' services, claiming that they are coming from a place of love and light, yet watching them in their everyday interactions indicate otherwise. 

Talking about how they only hang out with 'high vibe' people or stating that they don't attract drama at the same time that they are implying that you are bringing the drama into their lives or claiming that their negative reaction to you was a response based on the energy that they supposedly saw coming from you ... seems like a lot of gaslighting, projection and lack of awareness that they are the other side of that equation that they are not taking the responsibility for their own actions/reactions as they talk down to you from their pedestal of 'light worker' and violating your energy and/or manipulating and silencing you by stating that they supposedly can see that your energy does not come from love, despite you knowing otherwise. Jesus did not 'boast' about being the son of God and all his 'magical' gifts when he was washing the feet of his disciples. He did not claim that someone's truth wasn't true. The gifts are all in us, and as with such powers come responsibility and morals to use them ethically. Consent is not only a term in the sexual realm but also in the spiritual to not violate someone's energy.  As Montell notes, stating something that cannot be validated such as what one perceives as another's energy or motivation without considering one's filter and confirmation bias can be damaging and toxic in a community where others have suspended independent thinking and follow the majority.

Much like reclaiming the cunt (part 1) and a box of crayons, alarm bells started ringing in my ears when someone yesterday made reference to ACIM seemingly to validate her point of view that people are responsible for going through their own journey without anyone sharing their experiences for the person to make a more informed decision and/or so the person can learn from others' experiences, lest it takes away their free will. When she brought up the analogy, she seemed to be confusing the not being able to make a horse drink with not even leading the horse to water, implying that none of it was our responsibility. This didn't seem aligned to my current experience with the teachings emphasizing that we are here to be of service to others and look out for each other, as we are all connected. While a horse may be responsible for drinking the water, the collective can at least step in to lead the horse to water and guide it in how to satiate its thirst. 

This concept of letting people fend for themselves is quite like the mindset of some women and minorities in Corporate America that feel as if someone has to go through the same trials and tribulations to get to the top rather than paving the way for others and mentoring them. There is a saying of the collective consciousness, "I heal you, I heal myself. I heal me, I heal you." Rather than having a healthy debate, any counter thought was quickly dismissed. When the herd mentality kicks in, the one who dares to check in with his/her self is left isolated. Unfortunately, that little girl teared up in her frustration and found herself apologizing, when nobody should apologize for sticking to their truths (saudade (part 4)).

In the past, these moments of un-ease would have me in my head all night, questioning everything. But somewhere in the discomfort, I had passed out and while I know I dreamt, I couldn't remember any specifics but it was the calm knowing that caused me to wake up with a big smile on my face this morning. I re-listened to Williamson's livestream yesterday, and although it seemed to just be information to absorb yesterday, her words today only reinforced that knowing that I woke up with. While many of the New Agers focus on the concept of taking responsibility for our own healing, they have neglected the collective conscious. She emphasizes that we can misuse the mind but we cannot 'obliterate the eternal connection'. While some in the herd want to hang out in neutral territory, ACIM, according to Williamson, says that there are no neutral thoughts. If we are not creating light, then darkness will creep in. She notes that good intentions are not enough, providing the analogy that one shouldn't just let a person shoot heroin, thinking that the person will have a lot of time to figure it out themselves. We have things to teach each other, and ACIM points out that each of us are only a half step ahead or behind each other. So if whoever we may teach (or demonstrate to) is only a half step behind us; if we weren't as far back as we are, who would demonstrate to that person otherwise?

Another tell of the gifts being misused was when she had disclosed only a few hours before she referenced ACIM to supposedly validate her point that she hadn't and didn't feel the need to read ACIM, perhaps implying that she already knew its wisdom. Williamson often points out that she has been studying it since the 1970s and still views herself as a pupil in its application. I realized how much someone's ego can quickly have me retraining my muscle memory, honing in on my intuition and trusting my self. For the same reason why I read the Bible (cover to cover) so that I could call into question how many misquote/misuse the Bible for selfish reasons, this has just boost my conviction to complete ACIM.

It is akin to being able to quickly suss out whether someone was truly informed and had watched the entire Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial, or whether he/she took snippets of testimony played in mainstream media, completely missing the context where the witness committed perjury, highlighting that person's inauthenticity and ignorance.

While I may not be on Lesson 137, it didn't take long for me to find at least one of the teachings on this very topic (emphasis added):

"When I am healed, I am not healed alone...

8. Healing is freedom. For it demonstrates that dreams will not prevail against the truth. Healing is shared. And by this attribute it proves that laws unlike the ones which hold sickness is inevitable are more potent than their sickly opposites. Healing is strength. For by its gentle hand is weakness overcome, and minds that were walled off within a body free to join with other minds, to be forever strong...

10. And as you let yourself be healed, you see all those around you, or who crossed your mind, or whom you touch or those who seem to have no contact with you, healed along with you. Perhaps you will not recognize them all, nor realize how great your offering to all the world, when you let healing come to you. But you are never healed alone. And legions upon legions will receive the gift that you receive when you are healed.

11. Those who are healed become the instruments of healing. Nor does the time elapse between the instant they are healed, and all the grace of healing it is given them to give. What is opposed to God does not exist, and who accepts it not within his mind becomes a haven where the weary can remain to rest. For here is truth bestowed, and here are all illusions brought to truth...

 14. Yet must we be prepared for such a gift. And so we will begin the day with this, and give ten minutes to these thoughts with which we will conclude today at night as well:

'When I am healed I am not healed alone. And I would share my healing with the world, that sickness may be banished from the mind of God's one Son, Who is my only Self.'"

~ ACIM - Lesson 137 

As with Abraham Hicks, this post serves as my choosing to let that negative energy go and move on.

* * * * *

Update September 22, 2022:

Similar to Williamson's livestream, when my friend recited this quote to me yesterday, it didn't hit me as much as when I heard it again the next day after an experience has worked through me. So it is not coincidence when this popped up in my Insight Timer this morning:

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

~ Mark Twain

Our neighbor asked me this morning about the guest. When she asked how it was going? I knew that she knew. She had picked up negative energy from the person and had told her husband that she did not want to be around that. As she had been going through her own trauma healing, she has been careful about who she allows into her world. It feels empowering when I shift my perspective (as Williamson deems 'miracle') and realize that isolation is always an amazing place to be when we stay true to ourselves and to God.

11:11 (part 13)

As with truth or dare, I have always been aware of the lead up to the anniversary of that fateful day. Learnings and synchronicities over the years (full circle (part 7)) have lessened the survivor's guilt that I suffered for so long (a lil' part of history and carpe diem), memorializing that reminder at the base of the nape of my neck (11:11 (part 4)) and capturing the ripple effects from the stone skipping series.

Being on this island, surrounded by the vast blue of the ocean and lush green of the land, waking up to sunrises or falling asleep to the glistening reflection of the moonlight over the ocean, lulled by the music of the native birds and the gentle ocean breezes, seem to have stopped time and the hustle and bustle of the chaos in the world for me. For the first time in decades, I hadn't once thought of this day.

With my roommate being gravely ill for the last few days (and my pseudo quarantining), yesterday was our first day to venture out together to shake the cobwebs. A chance promotion at a local grocery store had me trying to determine if it was the second Sunday of the month, noticing a flyer at the cash register publishing the actual date. For a split second, it was just like any other date, especially written out in long form. As I looked up to step into the queue, it hit me like a ton of bricks, silently mouthing to myself 9/11.

I was surprised by the sudden wave of sadness that overcame my body, perhaps because of the drastic mood change. With intention, I decided to shake if off, and when we went for shaved ice afterwards, I was reminded of the lasting effects it had on New Yorkers when a couple started a conversation with us in what seemed like a benign gesture, yet it made me remembered how friendly and kind we were all to each other in the aftermath.

In the shadow of saudade (part 3), I woke up this morning to:

"Thought about you yesterday, 9/11. Thrilled you're still here ❤️"

hot pockets

Kehena Black Sand Beach

The first time I went to a nude/topless optional beach was in Greece when my friend and I were meeting a B-school classmate in his home country. Unfamiliar with the local customs, we didn't find out until later that it is legal to go topless at all beaches in Greece, and while a conservative country with its religious affiliations, naturism has popped up at unofficial spots throughout the country and surrounding islands.

Typical American women in our 20s, we were fascinated by the Europeans' 'joie de vivre'. We spent countless minutes debating on whether we should or should not, especially since we were thousands of miles away from anyone we would know (other than our friend who was joining us later). Ultimately, we talked ourselves out of it. 

Soon thereafter, an elderly women laid her belongings near us and started to disrobe. Most likely, she was a bronzed goddess in her day and it was clear that she came from a time where SPF was not a factor in the fountain of youth. While buxom, gravity had taken its toll. In silence, we looked at each other and almost in synchrony reached back to untie our respective bikini tops. Later, in recounting the experience, we both realized that the woman had something that our womanhood craved...an air of confidence that nobody could ever touch.

After swimming in the ocean and feeling the movement of the water against my sensitive nipples, I felt such a sense of liberation and perhaps for the first time, the possibilities of where my body would take me if I let it. Unfortunately, our 'prudish upbringing' had us covering up before our friend joined us. While I have been on clothing-optional beaches since then, I stayed in conformity with my fellow companions.

The Pahoa area is a bit of the Wild West where people live off grid and seemingly no rules. At the top of the cliff are ad hoc food vendors, offering fruit and some grilled meats off the back of the trucks, a front for a side business offering herbal and plant medicine.

coconut refreshment

Unlike other clothing optional beaches I have gone to over the years, Kehena Beach was the first one where it seemed completely judgement free, regardless of whether one chose naturism, fully clothed and all variations in between. Children and pets, including chickens, were welcomed, and although there was no trash repositories anywhere, everyone embraced the Burning Man principle of 'leaving no trace' (rub-a-dub-dub). 

On Sundays, there is an amazing improv drum circle that resonates primitive sacral beats against the roaring of the surf. The energy of the place (a likely combination of Mother Nature and the inhabitants) felt different from saudade (part 2), perhaps laced with that air the Greek woman exuded. It was still there today even without the frivolity of the drum circle.

My first time a few weeks ago, I once again found myself falling into stride with my companion. Perhaps in rebellion of her judgments against women in alternative lifestyles and/or perhaps entranced by the primal movements of an African man with a body of Adonis, I felt the siren song of the elderly Greek woman from decades before. Although out of politeness, I asked my companion a few weeks ago and my companion today if they would be uncomfortable, it was more a gesture of formality. 

The last few years of exploration has gotten me more comfortable in my own skin. As I embraced that air that is untouchable today, I find myself wondering how the Greek woman's story unfolded and how her journey got her to place where her aura touched two strangers, and left a mark on at least one.

* * * * *

Lava a few stories deep

Along the road to Kehena Beach is a juxtaposition of the dense forest and the barren black, a souvenir from the last eruption at Kīlauea's east rift zone in 2018. At the east side of Pohoiki Bay is where the new meets the old as the lava was halted by the coolness of the ocean waters, about 200 yards from the Isaac Hale Beach Park parking lot. Now cut off from Kapoho Bay and Leilani Estates, this part of the world is a bit remote but a little persistence and a beautiful surprise awaits amongst the lava rocks.

Unlike other hot springs on the mainland, the hot ponds at Pohoiki is clear and is trapped by the surrounding black sand or lava rocks created from the ocean currents inundating the bay with sediment from past eruptions. The water is heated underground by the active volcano and is released in various vents. The pond furthest from the ocean is the hottest and has registered temperatures as hot as 106 degrees, rising since 2020, which some believe are due to the brackish salt-water that has changed the water table underground, elevating the fresh-water to higher temperatures. The tides also seem to influence the temperatures throughout the day.

While not quite the texture of pumice stones, the lava rocks provided a decent alternative to exfoliation, and an impromptu soak in the hot ponds provided by Pele with the minerals from Papa or Ka-luahine was a beautiful way to end the day. We also met a lovely blue heeler named Kiko who amazingly was not deterred by the heated ponds, playing catch with me while her master floated in the pond.

* * * * *

Perhaps supercharged from the vibrations of the Earth, an inexplicable incident occurred as we stepped into the Thai restaurant in Pāhoa that evening. Another patron and my friend recognized each other from the hot ponds. I didn't quite connect the gentleman but maybe he was the person I clambered passed as we got to the smaller but hotter pond amongst the trees. I only saw his back as he was sitting, gathering his things. 

He was seated facing the windows while reading his book, waiting for his order. As the night progressed, I felt this pull on the left side of my body, which was facing him although he was not in my line of sight. I'm not sure when I made the recognition that it may have been attributed to him, but as my friend chatted with him on the way back from the restroom, I started to clean out my inbox on my phone, when I came across the word from a listing from the Redfin email at the same time he named the town he was staying in on the island...Pepeekeo. The first time I had seen or heard it, a mere five minutes from our rental.

Hesitant to voice it but driven to acknowledge it, I mentioned the strange feeling in my body and the simultaneous visual and auditory echoing of his town. Even as I put words to it, my throat started to constrict. I don't know when he left but I felt it as my body slowly released the tension. It was as if there is a knowing of his energy, perchance from another life or a foreboding or sanguinity yet to be fulfilled. I knew it was not the last time I would see Matt.