bluebird

This chapter of my life seemed to start with the unboxing, a life requiring self-reliance and self-sufficiency since the age of three (full circle (part 8)). It wasn't until blossoming did I begin to understand the balance that I needed to discover, and while the reclaiming the cunt series touched upon my journey to embrace my femininity, it was unfathomable to me the intensity of vulnerability that it would entail.

Yet only from truly letting go and closing a chapter in 2022 (weightless), perhaps around the time a chapter was closing for him, did an unexpected door open for me to jump into the depths of surrendering to the unknown. Being more intentional about establishing a healthy relationship is a lofty endeavor but a minimum requirement to ending our unhealthy patterns from lifelong traumas. While it was unexpected, it should not have been surprising that two of the biggest themes in my life would surface early for me to get some semblance of closure (saudade (part 5)).

Prior plans put a pause or perhaps, gave us the opportunity to explore different aspects of a relationship that the oxytocin hormone from the physical tends to get us caught up in the NRE (new relationship energy). But for two people whose love languages are touch and words of affirmation, coupled with quality time for me, it became more challenging for me than I had expected (surprisingly, given that my first relationship was a long-distance one for multiple years).

While feeling safe and trust seem to be two halves of the same coin, my tendency has been to trust, and have people chip away at that rather than having them earn it. Over time, self-preservation has refined my 'bullshit' detector although my penchant to forgive and believing that people want to grow and be better versions of themselves left me overstaying my welcome of self-care.

It wasn't until chancing upon Dr. Gottman (at 19:14 to 24:44 minutes) a couple of weeks ago did it occur to me that while I had been learning that a lot of my pleasure had to do with trust and safety during my exploration of sex, something that came up for us very early on, the missing component in my approach of blindingly trusting people and being an 'open book' was having people 'earn my vulnerability' as Brené Brown says (stepping out). It was with a lot of sadness to realize that I had perhaps only experienced that emotional safe haven from a man, a mere boy himself, once in my life with the mind and heart of a 7 year-old child (moments that matter (part 1)), only to have another emotion of frisson take over upon sensing that I may have chanced upon another man (in the NOW), in some knowing at a cellular level that I cannot seem to explain.

With the lack of touch and quality time, the logical part of me that was pivotal to the self-preservation of my masculine energy (bubble of bliss and leap of faith) had me in my head running the loop of his cageyness and defensiveness, projecting my past experiences with similar behaviors as obfuscation of some lie or manipulation onto him, rather than perhaps giving us both grace that the defensiveness could also be from fear of hurting someone or being less than perfect, instead of guilt.

Rather than ending a pattern of overstaying my welcome, being trigger happy to eject seemed to be an overcompensation and a pattern I do not wish to set. With aplomb, it takes me to the memory of one of my first snow angels in the mountains of Vermont, falling back as the powder snow enveloped me, sinking deeper, while the sunny, clear blue sky warmed my face as I closed my eyes and moved my limbs like flying in the clouds...perhaps due to the potency of his masculinity, perhaps due to the next layer that is exposed in processing my 'trauma', my soul sighed a silent 'yes' to the surrendering to the abyss, perchance, into a safe haven and warm arms for me to shed the masculine side that was needed for survival, and discover and embrace the feminine side that I left behind in my childhood.