self-love

It occurred to me today that the disconnect with what I have been feeling for practically all my life and ftale has been the disconnect of trying to emulate (or envying) the relationships I see around me (pig in mud (part 1) and reclaiming the cunt (part 5)) when they, in fact, are not the ones I have been manifesting and praying for (a clue I had touched upon in 11:11 (part 5)), much like the lesson from when it rains, it pours and the realization that when they all presented themselves, none were ones I had wanted to return to. I have something more magical, steeped in interdependence, curiosity, new experiences and adventures, and unconditional love - one that creates a nurturing home for growth and strong, kind, loving free-spirited humans and animals. Something I have been blessed to have 'snippets' of what that feeling would be like, down to the blue eyes (bubble of bliss and moments that matter (part 2)).

Ironically, a reiki session on his birthday gave me clues as to synchronicity (part 2) occurring, despite initial hesitations and red flags that would have me running. While not his true 'self' that I knew, the version of his 'self' that he presented was a potent reminder of everything I did not want (it was the "big ol' stubborn problem"), but in this lesson, I had the clarity to see that it was from his own fears, rather than mine, when I was able to show up authentically and in alignment with my 'self', allowing me to see the other side of familiar themes to see the 'truth' in them, enabling me to close the loops and patterns. 

At the same time, a couple of unconscious ones were uncovered whereby my 2-4 year-old self may hold the key to unlocking the next door in my journey (synchronicity (part 2)). While my initial reaction was to fight to be heard and not misunderstood, I soon learned that those in lower vibrations do not want to hear or understand and only want to see what validates their own fears, a lesson the universe allowed me to practice a newfound tool to stay true to my self (stone skipping (part 13)). 

While being misunderstood has been a thorn that has turned into a fly to be shooed away, learning about personality types and how communication is given and/or received was a pivotal tool (stone skipping (part 6), surprising inspiration and taxing time) to removing the thorn. Upon reflection as I'm writing this, the only time I did not feel the need to explain myself was during those 'snippets', and perhaps holds another key to the door. What seemed so 'easy' may be the emotional safe haven he provided that I did not recognize beyond my fears and insecurities at the time (bluebird).

My new tattoo from Bali was a reminder to stay true to my own alignment after synchronicity (part 2). Yet, it would seem to have a deeper meaning after all, and perhaps why it was an immediate thought to place it above the vein (vena amoris) that connects the heart to the ring finger and lines up when placing the hand/wrist next to the heart. It has been a lifelong pattern of taking care, and prioritizing the need/wants, of others (beach angel and full circle (part 8)), including the men in my life. 

A recent session with what's your sign? and 11:11 (part 6) reinforced this next chapter's focus of self-care is self-love, and in so doing, allowing myself to be loved. Rather than looking for people who didn't understand me, or rather didn't want to understand me, as some validation of feeling low and unloved, it is in loving my self and staying true to my vibration (synchronicity (part 2) and stone skipping (part 13)) - recognizing the self-sabotaging behavior, and changing the pattern to gravitate towards those who have the desire and curiosity to understand, and thereby, feeling safe to truly allow love in. The wish...the dream...wasn't for any love, as I have experienced various forms, even some that I had thought I used to 'envy'. 

Yet in that safe haven that I felt in his presence, I realize that somehow I did not feel unloved (or at least, silenced the negative self-talk because I did not feel the desire to have someone who already understood me to understand me) and for those 'snippets', allowed it to align with my soul. The universe had provided me clues all along through him, and yet, only now am I able to 'see'. 

synchronicity (part 2)

 "The more validation I need, the less discernment I have."

~ Kurt Hanks 

This excursion never really had a 'honeymoon' period, tumbling right into a trigger on the first date that allowed me to heal from a similar experience almost a year before (11:11 (part 14)). With the intention of walking into this journey with a 'friend' to mirror and reflect on triggers that may come up to end patterns (saudade (part 5), bluebird, saudade (part 6), and patois), it seemed a bit quicker and easier to process and see the patterns from a different perspective, perhaps from a perceived trust built on friendship.

In what I felt was unlocking some part of me that allowed me to feel truly 'safe' with a man (bluebird) or to feel a deeper connection with someone who could read my body as I've only experienced with one other (bubble of bliss), I am wondering if that has more to do with my own growth and how I show up in connections, rather than someone providing such safety or awareness of my body.

Similar to calming the mind, the universe opens up doors and opportunities that quickly usher me along, reminding me to keep moving and growing. Yet, there was a final lesson to be learned, something that has been on the perimeter of my journey since consciously starting this exploration in 2016. 

I realized that he represented aspects of others before him - from seeing white (part 2), who surrounded himself with 'friends' whom he never felt comfortable being himself, numbing themselves and judging others, to bubble of bliss, who in the end, let life jade him to be a shadow of who he once was, putting up walls so as not to ever connect with someone at a deep level again (weightless). While the former 'ghosted', he showed up months later (supernova), explaining that being in a container where he felt safe being himself showed him a side of himself that made him realize how unhappy he was and the choices he had made, which caused him to run as he chose 'ignorance' rather than 'bliss'. While he has shown up again a time or two over the years, it is with the same energy of some nostalgia of what could have been had he been more courageous and how deep he has gotten with the ongoing decisions in his life that have brought him more shame and/or have made him a complete stranger to himself.

While it saddens me that a 'friend' wouldn't communicate that he wasn't courageous enough or ready for the growth, he was also choosing to repeat patterns of masterminding his friends to validate his choices in life. While I had created nicknames in the past so that friends wouldn't negatively judge people I dated if they ever meet them (missing in action), his approach was to get validation by demonizing his partners, reminiscent of my first (moments that matter (part 6)). Unfortunately, that forces him into a corner where he cannot be present with positive energy of working things out with his partner, without clarifying his prior actions based on untruths to others, when he is fearful of his friends judging him for staying in what they perceived to be 'toxic', his own creation.

The self-sabotage that went on for months created chaos/drama that was futile. Ultimately, he could not own his own decision and actions and felt the need to create situations that forced him into it, so as not to be accountable to himself for his own self-harm. In closing my patterns though, I know I showed up authentically and lovingly. I was able to work through old patterns with the discernment to change behaviors. More importantly, breaking another pattern I had fallen into in the past, I also do not feel any 'guilt' for feeling as if I gave up on someone - he gave up on himself.

There seems to have been a shift since spiritual masters, whereby incorporating the universal law of vibration with the universal law of attraction, I realize that another pattern I choose to change is trying to be 'heard' or 'not handicapped'. Seeing the lengths he went through to numb emotions allowed me to truly reflect on my growth in the last few years as I connect with mine, honing in on my understanding of the breadth and complexities of them to let my higher self/intuition guide me. People will treat me the way they want to treat me. My power is whether I let them do so. I can pinpoint to the exact time where I felt a shift in his energy. It was palpable although we were thousands of miles apart. Yet, I allowed him to make me question the negative vibrations I was feeling, rather than choosing to focus on activities that made me feel 'good' and repelling the negativity. Subconsciously, even my body was rejecting by pushing him out and off, when he tried to make our sex transactional, despite him mistakenly thinking it was due to orgasms.

When someone self-sabotages because our 'closeness' was scaring him, the only thing left for me to feel is compassion for him by sending him a lot of positive vibrations for his journey, as authentic connections is what makes life worth living. It probably doesn't bode well for any type of 'interaction' when our astrological chart notes:

"You and [BDC] have an unusually strong connection. Even if there are other tensions between you - there's an aspect of the connection that is especially enjoyable and probably makes both of you feel more confident.

You and [BDC] might feel closer to each other than you do with other friends."

~ The Pattern 

While I may listen to the universe (or 'be one with the mountain'), it isn't everyone's journey. In reconnecting with an ex last night, with my recently learnt boundaries established, we were able to explain his initial reaction to me that we couldn't explain other than perhaps residual 'past life karma'. Much like BDC, his irritation was due to the significant gap in our vibrations, and he was subconsciously threatened by the higher vibration, given where he was in his life at the time (11:11 (part 11)).

I am excited at my progress, while not always smooth, has been rewarding, especially to set me up for me to embrace my true calling in life...to just experience, which has come up in QHHT as well as a friend's channeling. My partners are also elevating in our compatibility from 'Meaningful' to 'Extraordinary'.

"Your destiny is to be able to relax and enjoy your life without guilt. Try to immerse yourself in things that feel good and to savor your experiences. It's okay to be on the receiving end in life; learn to appreciate your patience and ability to stay present in the moment. You may have artistic tendencies and you certainly have excellent taste, whether it's in food, people, clothes, or art. It's important to carve out time for yourself and engage your senses.

In your relationship experiences, you may end up with or expect partners who are out of the ordinary. The average type won't do. You tend to go for unconventional, rebellious, or extremely intelligent people."

~ The Pattern

* * * * *

Update April 24, 2023:

After asking an ex if he remembered 11:11 (part 11), I received the following, a reminder that everyone's journey has its own timing and small actions/moments that may seem inconsequential may have lasting ripple effects in someone's life.

"Yes, I certainly do remember. Reading this made me cry, and I wanted to stop after I knew what it was, but I realized instantly that this was a confirmation of why you're back in my life right now. I've had the best 7 days as of today [that] I've had since I moved here, doing all the things that make me most proud of myself without missing a beat. I have been working on radical self-forgiveness, knowing that forgiving myself for all the stuff with you would be the final box I'd eventually have to open. to be honest, it still scares me half to death to think about, but I can see that, likely without your [sic] even knowing, you're giving me opportunities to take it in small chunks. I have a lot of grieving to do before I can forgive myself, but thank you for sending me this."

patois

 "Die Grenzen meiner Sprache bedeuten die Grenzen meiner Welt."

 ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein (Tractatus Logico Philosophicus, 1921) 

Roughly translated, he says "[t]he limits of my language mean the limits of my world." Imagine the walls around us when our vocabulary is not as expansive of our experiences. Emotional granularity is our ability to differentiate the specificity of our emotions, which is positively correlated to our mental and physical well-being.

Wittgenstein also argued "God" has different meanings in different communities that requires understanding context and the experiences of the user within the linguistic community. Are we even talking about the same thing?

Rice is a big staple in many Asian cultures, and therefore, many of the Asian languages have numerous words for rice, from the various types to the various stages of the rice production process. However, in English, rice is limited to one word (albeit differentiated by adjectives like brown or white). 

In addition to vocabulary, context is a big factor. During my time in Asia, I learned that although many Westerners think that sarcasm doesn't exist in Asia, it is a lot more subtle than the American version. Even my mother and cousin (stone skipping (part 8)) always seemed to miss how my father and I communicated with our sarcastic banter (full circle (part 5)).

When he recently asked me what I thought he felt when his ex said something to him, I thought he was asking me to guess his response, rather than that he struggled to find the description to the emotion he was feeling. He could only distinguish it as 'not feeling good'. From his musings, it seemed to me like saudade (part 1), a Portuguese word that doesn't have a direct translation to English. I recently struggled to explain my love for surprises with what seemed like a disproportionate amount of giddiness at the experience, that somehow was perfectly defined as pū'iwa in the Hawaiian language. 

Our ability to properly identify emotions equip us in not only sharing our experiences with others but also with allowing us to properly regulate them. Identifying the accurate positive emotion would enable us to replicate it while identifying the wrong negative emotion would completely throw our body and nervous system in the wrong direction.

For most humans, our main emotions are happy, sad and angry. Language doesn't just carry the emotions but it changes it for us, in how we navigate it in our lives. Even emotions like shame and guilt or anxious and overwhelmed seemed to be used interchangeably. Yet, guilt is understanding that what someone did was wrong while shame is believing that your whole being is wrong. Processing the former may take us to learn from the mistake and apologize, knowing it was a mistake that doesn't define someone, while the latter tends to take someone into deeper insecurities and 'shame cycle' that can result in allowing it to define us.

At the top of a taste of heaven, it took my breath away. When I have epiphanies like saudade (part 6) or experiences like sound healing, similar behaviors like tears of joy, difficulties catching my breath, or goosebumps and feeling small and connected to the world. Yet, one is awe, where I step back and let it unfold before me while the other is wonder, piquing my curiosity to want to learn more, often a sign of positive reinforcement from my higher self that I am at the right place at the right time.

When we tell ourselves that we feel 'overwhelmed', our body tends to shut down, making us incapable of making good decisions. Brené Brown (stepping out), who has spent decades researching shame and vulnerability, notes that this emotion is one of many in the 'things are uncertain or too much category' and rather than letting it shut us down, we should take a moment to better define the true emotion whether it is stress, dread, fear, vulnerability, etc.

Source: Atlas of the Heart

I have chosen not to let my negative experiences hold me back and make me guarded from being vulnerable or loving the best way I know how. I have been trying to be authentic, even if that puts me on a limb by myself to say 'I love you!', knowing many in this world somehow fear those words, especially in the romantic sense, so I narrate it that my love comes with no conditions, expecting the feeling to be reciprocal. When I read the text on Christmas Day, I was conflicted with so many emotions...but I chose to believe in its simplicity (in the NOW).

"Merry Christmas, I'm so thankful for your friendship and guidance through my shit, I'm excited to turn the corner and make this year my bitch/heaven on earth...😘😘. You are amazing and I hope you have a great day with the family. Love you too!"

To be told that someone resents you, especially in a romantic relationship...well, it's the first time for me. I watched how resentment over seven years destroyed a loving one as it was so deep that couple's therapy couldn't heal the deep scar tissue. He did things for her because he loved her. From her point of view, she never asked him to make such 'sacrifices' and thought he just 'wanted' the same thing. In the end, they were his choices that he never communicated/narrated his process nor treated her as a partner-in-crime so that they could make the decisions together. He resented her for not appreciating all the things he did. In the end, they failed to understand his love language (words of affirmation) and failed to treat each other as 'us'.

It still is unclear to me what I am being resented for...that we enjoyed each other's company so just hung out a lot or that he loved me and doesn't want to. When someone asks me to come over or 'what are we doing for dinner', I took those as invitations of someone wanting me to be present. I wasn't aware of any 'sacrifices' of not hanging out with others, for example, and it came off as if somehow he was blaming me and/or angry at me for it. Coupled with his request for me to role play 'goth', including incorporating an ad-hoc choker, only to be asked if I wore it out in public.

'Resentment' falls in the category of 'we compare'. Marc Brackett, founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, maintains that resentment is part of the 'envy' family, rather than the 'angry' family. With the situation of my friends in the seven-year relationship, his anger was more at himself for not being able to 'ask for what he needed and acknowledge his limits'. Unfortunately, this was projected onto his partner. 

Source: Atlas of the Heart

Buddhism has a term of 'near enemy', which in its original context, is about a behavior that seems to be for a spiritual purpose that because of intent, in reality got in the way of one's spiritual growth - like grand gestures of acts of service being done more for the acclaim and attention rather than to give back to the world (tonight) and pay it forward. In the context of emotions, the view that jealousy equates to love which reared its ugly head during my first relationship (reclaiming the cunt (part 5)). 

Attachment is the near enemy of love...the conditions of someone loving another because of the person loving in return, or because something is needed by the other, or condition of changing the other person, something I've always resisted in my relationships (me love you long time (part 7)). Attachment grasps, fear, and possess while true love allows, honors and appreciates. The near enemy of connection is control, and trying to control one's emotions rather than just feeling and being. Trying to control when or how one may love another seems to separate us from ourselves and understanding our inner map, holding us back from truly connecting to others.

I can only own my understanding of my inner map and emotions. The limitations of someone's vocabulary in their emotions makes it more challenging to believe their communication (or hunch with the overlay of my experiences) as to their experience. Applying my recent learning of detachment and ATTUNE-ing (saudade (part 6)), rather than feeling the various 'Empathy Misses' that one could easily get caught up in the hurt of judgment, blame and disappointment, compassion and understanding requires me to be more inquisitive, the real question to him is ... 'What do you need that you're not asking for?'

saudade (part 6)

When a ripple turns out to be a tsunami, the consultant in me wonders if it could have been avoided. Perhaps the recent return of the raven from bubble of bliss was an omen. During the witching hours, I seem to have received downloads that allowed me to detach from my hurt/trauma, and piece together various communications over the last few months. I have spent my entire life connecting dots, trying to make sense of what isn't being said, looking for red flags to protect myself from being preyed upon as my self-preservation. bluebird taught me that someone's negative behavior could be less about me but more about cognitive dissonance to the self.

While we may have similar love languages of touch and words of affirmation and personality type of pioneer, our approach to life, including ways of communication or getting to know people, are at times, vastly different. I have learned to over-communicate to minimize misunderstandings over the years, yet with an ADHD brain, I am learning that large chunks of communication and at rapid pace can be overwhelming to the point that it is not received properly as the executive function may jumble the details.

I wasn't sure where the tears of joy were coming from as I excitedly shared that I may be beginning to understand what had been going on with us from his side, but rather than connect the dots of what wasn't being said, I found myself trying to parse the words he did say over time, and ATTUNE it from his perspective rather than mine. In researching communication differences with someone with ADHD, I was surprised to read from Don't Just Talk, Communicate that becoming confrontational, including blaming others or shutting down conversations/conflict resolution (behaviors that trigger me), was a common behavior. Clamming up or confused/scattered thoughts/musings have also previously triggered me because from past experiences with exes, these were defensive tactics from someone who didn't want to be accountable, rather than from someone whose brain functions differently.

I find myself being more grateful now, rather than frustrated or triggered, at the times when he communicates that we need to pause because he's not able to receive the information. Some of that may have to do with shutting down communication, but some of that is the ability to manage the information. As with bluebird, similar behaviors may not have nefarious reasons. Perhaps, unlike others who preceded him, it truly is subconscious.

When I woke up at the witching hour this time, the title of a video had me wondering if it was a message, but it led to a few other ones, culminating in one that explains why the over-reaction (tsunami) needed to happen.

I needed to learn to release my sense of self to truly hear the other. I needed the tsunami (pain-body) for me to see that comparing how others treat me to how they treat others, created a lot of trauma/re-triggering that stemmed from childhood, when perhaps I am just in a category of my own and should just focus on the happiness and fun I'm feeling in the NOW, a reminder to be present and not let thoughts become unwanted manifestations. My tears of joy, it would seem, was from the happiness of realizing that he was changing his patterns and that I was processing traumas/patterns from the mirroring that was being reflected back to me. In doing so, we are getting a step closer to a transcendence level.

On Instagram this morning, someone posted a recommendation for the Four Seasons in Koh Samui, taking me back to bubble of bliss. I had been highlighting to him that our love will never be like the 'great' love that he was perhaps comparing to as it is different. In a moment of saudade, I realized the irony that our love is also very different from the 'great' connection I felt in bubble of bliss. It feels more light and liberating, not obsessive, but like a sense of being home. I manifested this relationship; I manifested these experiences of pain-body in order for us to break cycles; and I manifested this love from the feeling I felt in Koh Samui to something beyond what I understood love to be at that time, unattached to anyone. It was also a reminder that I'm still manifesting that bath in a tub with a view like that in our villa in Koh Samui, and I'm grateful for someone who enjoys bathtime.

bluebird

This chapter of my life seemed to start with the unboxing, a life requiring self-reliance and self-sufficiency since the age of three (full circle (part 8)). It wasn't until blossoming did I begin to understand the balance that I needed to discover, and while the reclaiming the cunt series touched upon my journey to embrace my femininity, it was unfathomable to me the intensity of vulnerability that it would entail.

Yet only from truly letting go and closing a chapter in 2022 (weightless), perhaps around the time a chapter was closing for him, did an unexpected door open for me to jump into the depths of surrendering to the unknown. Being more intentional about establishing a healthy relationship is a lofty endeavor but a minimum requirement to ending our unhealthy patterns from lifelong traumas. While it was unexpected, it should not have been surprising that two of the biggest themes in my life would surface early for me to get some semblance of closure (saudade (part 5)).

Prior plans put a pause or perhaps, gave us the opportunity to explore different aspects of a relationship that the oxytocin hormone from the physical tends to get us caught up in the NRE (new relationship energy). But for two people whose love languages are touch and words of affirmation, coupled with quality time for me, it became more challenging for me than I had expected (surprisingly, given that my first relationship was a long-distance one for multiple years).

While feeling safe and trust seem to be two halves of the same coin, my tendency has been to trust, and have people chip away at that rather than having them earn it. Over time, self-preservation has refined my 'bullshit' detector although my penchant to forgive and believing that people want to grow and be better versions of themselves left me overstaying my welcome of self-care.

It wasn't until chancing upon Dr. Gottman (at 19:14 to 24:44 minutes) a couple of weeks ago did it occur to me that while I had been learning that a lot of my pleasure had to do with trust and safety during my exploration of sex, something that came up for us very early on, the missing component in my approach of blindingly trusting people and being an 'open book' was having people 'earn my vulnerability' as Brené Brown says (stepping out). It was with a lot of sadness to realize that I had perhaps only experienced that emotional safe haven from a man, a mere boy himself, once in my life with the mind and heart of a 7 year-old child (moments that matter (part 1)), only to have another emotion of frisson take over upon sensing that I may have chanced upon another man (in the NOW), in some knowing at a cellular level that I cannot seem to explain.

With the lack of touch and quality time, the logical part of me that was pivotal to the self-preservation of my masculine energy (bubble of bliss and leap of faith) had me in my head running the loop of his cageyness and defensiveness, projecting my past experiences with similar behaviors as obfuscation of some lie or manipulation onto him, rather than perhaps giving us both grace that the defensiveness could also be from fear of hurting someone or being less than perfect, instead of guilt.

Rather than ending a pattern of overstaying my welcome, being trigger happy to eject seemed to be an overcompensation and a pattern I do not wish to set. With aplomb, it takes me to the memory of one of my first snow angels in the mountains of Vermont, falling back as the powder snow enveloped me, sinking deeper, while the sunny, clear blue sky warmed my face as I closed my eyes and moved my limbs like flying in the clouds...perhaps due to the potency of his masculinity, perhaps due to the next layer that is exposed in processing my 'trauma', my soul sighed a silent 'yes' to the surrendering to the abyss, perchance, into a safe haven and warm arms for me to shed the masculine side that was needed for survival, and discover and embrace the feminine side that I left behind in my childhood.

saudade (part 4)

When I started on this recent journey to Hawai'i, I somehow knew that Ka Makuahine would be instrumental in connecting the different parts of me to the present (saudade (part 1)). When the event from spiritual masters transpired, I didn't quite understand what was happening and how it escalated. My muscle memory had me triggered but the unboxing had me realize that it was exactly what I had manifested. Like the Matryoshka doll, opening one doll leads to another one until the last one (the baby, so to speak). The history of the Matryoshka ("little matron") dolls stem from the Fukurama figurine with nested Buddhist sage but its main purpose is 'to surprise' as each one is unique. I was surprised at where this path eventually took me.

What seemed at the time to feel as if I was misunderstood once again, and the little girl, who always cried in her frustration of having to exert so much energy to be heard, showed up that night. The timing was critical and turned out to be the Fall Equinox.

"Today is also the Fall Equinox, a moment in time where balance and harmony are magnified...This is the time of the year where we feel the balance between the dark and the light. We are also preparing for a more internal and reflective half of the year. These equinox and solstice portals are great times to practice meditation and activations to realign our energy field."

~ Jai Gobind - Moon Magic Report, September 21-27 

Marianne Williamson defines a 'miracle' as a shift in perspective in A Return to Love. When I was first learning about Law of Attraction and vibrations, it seemed as if we attract the vibration or thoughts we give off. Initially, I viewed that as the vibration that I was emanating that caused me to attract narcissism, for example. Yet, processing this experience with a magical friend who always seem to give me courage to peel back the layers to get to the baby (or little girl), I realized that it was much more nuanced. 

The next layer is that energy/vibrations does not distinguish between 'want' and 'not want' so rather than focusing on what we don't want, we should believe in what we want. I have been guilty of applying this concept incorrectly. The guest/woman tried to not so subtly imply that I was the source of drama when she stated that she never attracts drama. Yet, we are having that moment where clearly she is perceiving a situation as drama and reacting to it herself.

The next layer and the shift that I am now seeing is that it isn't about what we supposedly attract but more about how we respond to it. The so-called drama is all around us but are we perceiving it as drama or better yet, are we responding to it as such, or are we impervious to it? That teaching seemed a lot quicker to apply when posing the question of why am I attracting narcissism to shift to why am I attracted to it? The former contains mild whiffs of victim shadow despite appearing to take responsibility for the vibrations/energy that we are emitting. Yet the latter, is much more empowering to truly own that we can choose to walk away from that and retrain the muscle memory that has me attracted to such energy.

Two recent events had me being told that the person doesn't believe me after speaking my truth. Yet when I called attention to the fact that he is either accusing me of lying or he has trust issues with me, he denied both, and at the same time, accused me of being defensive. The same energy that I felt when the woman above blamed me for her reaction based on an energy she is perceiving from me despite me again speaking my truth that was counter to her claims. He is a friend so after plowing through the uncomfortableness as we had similar willingness to resolve the situation, he acknowledged that he should be more mindful about modifying his language to 'I don't understand you' rather than 'I don't believe you'. She, however, shut down all communications as if somehow I was invading her boundaries. As Williamson notes in her livestream (September 20, 2022) we can all learn from each other and humility exists in the application of that. We should want to engage with people who don't always agree with us, yet "some people would rather die than change their minds."

My neighbor, who recognizes that she is slowly finding her strength in healing from trauma, quickly set the boundary to stay away from the negative energy she felt from guest (spiritual masters), I have learned since full circle (part 2) that many boundaries should be temporary as we work through our traumas and triggers. Many use boundaries to imply that someone is crossing it to somehow intentionally trigger the person. While this is true, the other side of that coin is that we should take responsibility for healing what triggers us so that it is no longer our response. She felt energetically that the guest is a 'bully', which that little girl in me who showed up clearly felt that night when I found myself apologizing for my truth.

Interestingly, I had asked the guest the question about the collective energy that seemed to repeat history with Hitler via Trump. She dodged it by stating that it is a much longer discussion than what she wanted to engage in. The universe heard my question though and in a few succinct sentences, Williamson answered my question the next day in her livestream. Williamson echos my belief that people are basically good. Those who hate though hate with conviction and are much louder, whereas 'love is whispering'. When the neighbor mentioned what she felt from the guest's energy, I recognized how much space the guest has taken up in her short time here. Her scent, her things, and her energy seem to command attention and take space.

When I was asked if I would leave to get away from the negative energy, I knew that courage and growth comes from not running away from the discomfort. This is also my temporary home. She's the guest, and I am choosing to not let her silence my truth, especially as with any bullies, they get their power from the illusion that they have instilled fear in others. I am grateful for my magical friend who is always a source to ground and help me understand each layer that unfolds, and the various messages from the universe to remind me that I am right where I need to be.

It was good to be reminded that there is power in staying true to ourselves and not be triggered as the other person may be forced to look in the mirror when the energy they are giving off isn't 'bounced back' in another human that they can blame, much like my colleague in to err is human, to forgive, divine.

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

~ C.G. Jung 

David Hawkins also mentions this in Power vs. Force when he illustrates the high vibrations of Alcoholics Anonymous that one of the earlier steps is being honest with oneself, or as Williamson terms 'fearless moral inventory' of oneself. I have forgiven myself for apologizing that night and letting someone bully my truth into silence. But that experience taught me one thing about the little girl who has been struggling to be understood. In the same light as Brené Brown's adage about people 'earning the right to your vulnerability', the only person that needs to understand me is me. I know my heart, I know my intentions, and I know my willingness. I am standing true to being of service to others as my North Node emphasizes.

"We need to coddle each other's neuroses less and honor each other's greatness more, not from a sense of ego because you happen to be great. [ACIM] says all of the children of God are special and none of the children of God are special. You have greatness within you. It is a power in you but not of you. As we say here all the time, you are not the water, you're the faucet. But as I said before, he says do not be concerned about your own readiness, just be consistently aware of mine. If you're afraid to go forth into any day or any situation, he says in [ACIM], the presence of fear is a sure sign that you're trusting in your own strength. You can be great in any situation. Not because of you but because of he who lives within you. That there is within us no more and no less, than in anyone else, a spirit that can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. that can do nothing short of working miracles. That can lift us up. That can give us charisma. Charisma is a spiritual term. It means 'of the spirit'."

~ Marianne Williamson - How to Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

I would be open to trying to understand the guest (and anyone else) if and when she decides to show up as her authentic self (man in the mirror), but I now understand why she didn't bother to try to understand me, and that little girl is jumping for joy that I have performed a 'miracle' and shifted my perspective.

"What is not loved is not understood."

~ Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

spiritual masters

When I reflect upon the (wo)man in mirror, I am reminded of the many spiritual masters who have graced this planet and left tools for us to work through our individual journeys to a world of love. They all share the same message, just in different ways that hopefully will resonate with different people. In each of us is the Holy Spirit (our Higher Selves) that guides us, yet we have ancestral DNA and/or childhood traumas that put up barriers to us trusting ourselves.

When I started on the path of exploration of connecting with my body (face of the girl (part 2) and YUMmy), it did not come from a place of love but from a place of resentment and rebellion with a touch of the Italian chin flick to say 'I don't care'. In line with the Law of Cause and Effect, this brought on a lot of learnings that didn't necessarily come up in the most healthy ways but in searching for tools to process what bubbled up, the universe guided me towards a journey of spiritual awakening that finally had me tap into deeper learnings from early sources in my life like A Conversation with God (to err is human, to forgive, divine) or the Christian Bible that at the time, certain parts did not make a lot of sense.

"Spirituality is the path of the heart. It is the path of using the mind in a loving way. But in order to do this, we must discipline ourselves to do so because the world view, the mental filter, that dominates the planet is not a mental filter based on love. It is a mental filter that is based on fear. And so, '[A] Course in Miracles' [("ACIM")] tells us that even though we were born with the natural tendency to give and to receive love from a very early age, we are taught a world view that is not based on love and proactively, repudiates and resists love. As a consequence, [ACIM] says by the time we are pretty early age, that which is natural thinking actually feels unnatural to us. And that which is unnatural feels natural. so that we instinctively at this point go from the wrong-minded perception. We are instinctively lured and tempted towards the anger, towards the toughness, towards the separation, towards the attack and towards the defense. The spiritual journey is a dismantling of the thought system that dominates the world. [ACIM] says enlightenment is not a learning. It is an unlearning. It is an unlearning of perspective of fear and substituting instead the perspective of love, which is God's perspective, which is natural to who we are."

~ Marianne Williamson - How To Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

With that also came a number of people coming in and out of my orbit on their own spiritual journey. Yet similar to the sex positive community, I have discovered a lot of people who have used spirituality as a way to manipulate others and/or to self-declare that they are enlightened beings as if it is some special badge. Having fallen into the lure and sense of belonging that organized religion provides and the subsequent detrimental judgement and outcasting that brings on isolation and detachment, I have luckily been able to 'feel' those situations and not get too enmeshed. With the current political environment all over the world, the psychology behind cults have taken center stage with many saying that the followers have been brainwashed, implying that people can't think for themselves.

"The Secret" movie was created to share a universal law that isn't so secret and can even be found in ancient texts, including Matthew 21:22, to the masses. In what appears to be someone's moment of sales/get/scarcity mentality (looking out for self) rather than service/give/abundance mentality (looking out for others), Abraham Hicks was asked to give up their intellectual property or be removed from the production. Although contractually, they had a viable suit, they decided to walk the path of least resistance with the guidance from Abraham that says "Whenever you are given an ultimatum that says, 'if you don't do this, then we will have to do such and such,' it is best that you just let it go and move on. Otherwise, there is always another, and this, and this, and this?" Unfortunately, the critical moments that were scrapped also provided the context in utilizing Law of Attraction from a place of service rather than self, leaving "The Secret" to feel a lot about manifesting material attachments. Ironically, "The Secret" talks about knowledge being surpressed; however, by removing Abraham Hicks, they have further suppressed the "secret" by 'dumbing down' the guidance without the spiritual context.

In both the sex positive and spiritual communities, I have witnessed how words like 'consent', 'compersion', 'law of attraction', 'manifestation', 'nonviolent communications', 'high vibrational people', etc. have been used in vain and becomes back-handed judgements to further isolate people (into fear) rather than support a sense of belonging (into love). If someone doesn't have money flowing towards them, it is perceived as the person having a lot of blockages and therefore, unable to manifest money. Yet in the spirit of the Law of Attraction, manifesting for the ego is the antithesis to coming from a place of love.

"Language is a leader's charisma. It's what empowers them to create a mini universe - a system of values and truths - and then compel their followers to heed its rules...Without language, there are no 'cults'...But with a glimmer of willingness, language can do so much to squash independent thinking, obscure truths, encourage confirmation bias, and emotionally charge experiences such that no other way of life seems possible."

~ Amanda Montell (Daily Beast, June 27, 2021) 

While there isn't an overarching leader, the New Age movement that has people migrating to Tulum, Bali or Hawaii has quite the cult following, including various sects with defined leaders like The Miracle School where leaders have been accused of abusing their power and manipulating followers for perverse goals. Many of these sects work much like a Ponzi scheme, encouraging followers to recruit others to create their own mini-community. Followers feel judged and shamed for not 'doing the work' to gain some magical enlightenment. I have found that many, in and out of these mini-communities, profess to have gifts like channeling, energy work, past lives readings, etc. One day they may be talking about their traumas, and the next they have 'fixed' all their traumas and are now providing these 'magical' services, claiming that they are coming from a place of love and light, yet watching them in their everyday interactions indicate otherwise. 

Talking about how they only hang out with 'high vibe' people or stating that they don't attract drama at the same time that they are implying that you are bringing the drama into their lives or claiming that their negative reaction to you was a response based on the energy that they supposedly saw coming from you ... seems like a lot of gaslighting, projection and lack of awareness that they are the other side of that equation that they are not taking the responsibility for their own actions/reactions as they talk down to you from their pedestal of 'light worker' and violating your energy and/or manipulating and silencing you by stating that they supposedly can see that your energy does not come from love, despite you knowing otherwise. Jesus did not 'boast' about being the son of God and all his 'magical' gifts when he was washing the feet of his disciples. He did not claim that someone's truth wasn't true. The gifts are all in us, and as with such powers come responsibility and morals to use them ethically. Consent is not only a term in the sexual realm but also in the spiritual to not violate someone's energy.  As Montell notes, stating something that cannot be validated such as what one perceives as another's energy or motivation without considering one's filter and confirmation bias can be damaging and toxic in a community where others have suspended independent thinking and follow the majority.

Much like reclaiming the cunt (part 1) and a box of crayons, alarm bells started ringing in my ears when someone yesterday made reference to ACIM seemingly to validate her point of view that people are responsible for going through their own journey without anyone sharing their experiences for the person to make a more informed decision and/or so the person can learn from others' experiences, lest it takes away their free will. When she brought up the analogy, she seemed to be confusing the not being able to make a horse drink with not even leading the horse to water, implying that none of it was our responsibility. This didn't seem aligned to my current experience with the teachings emphasizing that we are here to be of service to others and look out for each other, as we are all connected. While a horse may be responsible for drinking the water, the collective can at least step in to lead the horse to water and guide it in how to satiate its thirst. 

This concept of letting people fend for themselves is quite like the mindset of some women and minorities in Corporate America that feel as if someone has to go through the same trials and tribulations to get to the top rather than paving the way for others and mentoring them. There is a saying of the collective consciousness, "I heal you, I heal myself. I heal me, I heal you." Rather than having a healthy debate, any counter thought was quickly dismissed. When the herd mentality kicks in, the one who dares to check in with his/her self is left isolated. Unfortunately, that little girl teared up in her frustration and found herself apologizing, when nobody should apologize for sticking to their truths (saudade (part 4)).

In the past, these moments of un-ease would have me in my head all night, questioning everything. But somewhere in the discomfort, I had passed out and while I know I dreamt, I couldn't remember any specifics but it was the calm knowing that caused me to wake up with a big smile on my face this morning. I re-listened to Williamson's livestream yesterday, and although it seemed to just be information to absorb yesterday, her words today only reinforced that knowing that I woke up with. While many of the New Agers focus on the concept of taking responsibility for our own healing, they have neglected the collective conscious. She emphasizes that we can misuse the mind but we cannot 'obliterate the eternal connection'. While some in the herd want to hang out in neutral territory, ACIM, according to Williamson, says that there are no neutral thoughts. If we are not creating light, then darkness will creep in. She notes that good intentions are not enough, providing the analogy that one shouldn't just let a person shoot heroin, thinking that the person will have a lot of time to figure it out themselves. We have things to teach each other, and ACIM points out that each of us are only a half step ahead or behind each other. So if whoever we may teach (or demonstrate to) is only a half step behind us; if we weren't as far back as we are, who would demonstrate to that person otherwise?

Another tell of the gifts being misused was when she had disclosed only a few hours before she referenced ACIM to supposedly validate her point that she hadn't and didn't feel the need to read ACIM, perhaps implying that she already knew its wisdom. Williamson often points out that she has been studying it since the 1970s and still views herself as a pupil in its application. I realized how much someone's ego can quickly have me retraining my muscle memory, honing in on my intuition and trusting my self. For the same reason why I read the Bible (cover to cover) so that I could call into question how many misquote/misuse the Bible for selfish reasons, this has just boost my conviction to complete ACIM.

It is akin to being able to quickly suss out whether someone was truly informed and had watched the entire Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial, or whether he/she took snippets of testimony played in mainstream media, completely missing the context where the witness committed perjury, highlighting that person's inauthenticity and ignorance.

While I may not be on Lesson 137, it didn't take long for me to find at least one of the teachings on this very topic (emphasis added):

"When I am healed, I am not healed alone...

8. Healing is freedom. For it demonstrates that dreams will not prevail against the truth. Healing is shared. And by this attribute it proves that laws unlike the ones which hold sickness is inevitable are more potent than their sickly opposites. Healing is strength. For by its gentle hand is weakness overcome, and minds that were walled off within a body free to join with other minds, to be forever strong...

10. And as you let yourself be healed, you see all those around you, or who crossed your mind, or whom you touch or those who seem to have no contact with you, healed along with you. Perhaps you will not recognize them all, nor realize how great your offering to all the world, when you let healing come to you. But you are never healed alone. And legions upon legions will receive the gift that you receive when you are healed.

11. Those who are healed become the instruments of healing. Nor does the time elapse between the instant they are healed, and all the grace of healing it is given them to give. What is opposed to God does not exist, and who accepts it not within his mind becomes a haven where the weary can remain to rest. For here is truth bestowed, and here are all illusions brought to truth...

 14. Yet must we be prepared for such a gift. And so we will begin the day with this, and give ten minutes to these thoughts with which we will conclude today at night as well:

'When I am healed I am not healed alone. And I would share my healing with the world, that sickness may be banished from the mind of God's one Son, Who is my only Self.'"

~ ACIM - Lesson 137 

As with Abraham Hicks, this post serves as my choosing to let that negative energy go and move on.

* * * * *

Update September 22, 2022:

Similar to Williamson's livestream, when my friend recited this quote to me yesterday, it didn't hit me as much as when I heard it again the next day after an experience has worked through me. So it is not coincidence when this popped up in my Insight Timer this morning:

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

~ Mark Twain

Our neighbor asked me this morning about the guest. When she asked how it was going? I knew that she knew. She had picked up negative energy from the person and had told her husband that she did not want to be around that. As she had been going through her own trauma healing, she has been careful about who she allows into her world. It feels empowering when I shift my perspective (as Williamson deems 'miracle') and realize that isolation is always an amazing place to be when we stay true to ourselves and to God.

saudade (part 1)

When he recommended that I watch Crash Landing On You ("CLoY"), a Korean drama, I really had no interest in K-dramas although my nieces are avid fans. I had a perception that they may be like the Vietnamese dramas where people are "nhõng nhēo" (quite childish), especially the female characters, usually with a whiny high-pitched voice. But a Gringo recommending it with a warning to be prepared to cry had me intrigued. After watching the first episode, I realized that I couldn't do my typical multi-tasking when I watch things as it would require focus not only for the subtitles but for the action on screen, especially since the male lead (Ri Jeong Hyeok, played by Hyun Bin) evoke many emotions without words. So it stayed on My List in Netflix for months.

With the Depp trial and TV spring season over as well as a self-enforced summer break from classes, CLoY seemed to beckon me and I ended up binge watching it over a 36-hour period. My first tear probably wasn't where it was for many. Over the next few days I binge watched it again. While the emotions from the first time around were more muted, I could feel shifts in my body and mind, as I had seemed to lose my appetite and often woke up in the middle of the night. In many ways, the series seemed to be my life in a parallel universe, but as he noted, there are so many complexities in the storyline that it is probably why so many connected with it. 

Luckily, I was dog-sitting Bella who gave me comfort and cuddles. The harder I tried to shake the feeling, the more it seemed as if there was something I wasn't quite seeing. I found myself going back to watch various clips, and in one such instance, something stood out that I had clearly missed all the times before...Seo Dan's mother was gifting the ladies of the North Korean Village Se-ri's Choice limited edition products that had their likeness illustrated on the boxes. For the English subtitles, the series was called Saudade.

Perhaps the other times, it just seemed like a name but when I decided to look it up to see if there was a meaning, it was a key to mysterious journey. Saudade does not have a direct translation into English...nostalgia doesn't do it justice, but neither does yearning.

They say that the energy of the Hawaiian Islands have a way of accepting or spitting people out, with each island containing its unique vibe. I've already felt more well rested since stepping onto her soil. Hopefully, Ka Makuahine will be instrumental to connecting me with the part of me that I sorely miss but felt I needed to leave behind (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)).

rub-a-dub-dub

I would have never thought that my journey in life would have led me to Black Rock City. The couple of burners I had met over the years seemed to exist in another dimension from my life in corporate America. Camping in a remote desert with only the amenities that you bring in and out, leaving no trace, sounded like a miserable experience.

Yet magic can happen in the strangest places, and we have opportunities to learn more about ourselves when pushed into uncomfortableness. It was a year-long manifestation that prepared me with smaller festivals camping in the desert and navigating other burners in the poly communities. My journey led me to the playa...and the playa was waiting to enfold me, befitting its theme for the year of Metamorphoses.

Some of the lessons and experiences seem to sacred to share but as I've learned in full circle (part 6), birthdays are much better shared. Unbeknownst to me, my partner had planned out the day of festivities, which on the playa is a feat in itself since anything and everything unplanned can happen.

Slushies - What can be more refreshing in the desert than slushies for breakfast? Of course, as I was getting too comfortable from the respite, lounging in a chaise in the desert, I was rushed off to the next adventure, despite my feeble protests.

Nuclear Dandelion - Relaxation I asked for? Relaxation I got...at an oasis spa in the middle of the playa. A cold face mask seems a mundane activity at home but in the middle of nowhere, it was a luxury that my skin drank in. The lessons of gratitude became a recurring theme.

Glamour Shoot - With a hydrated face, despite the layers of dust on my body, I was whisked away to a glamour shot at Tickled Mink where we get to showcase our 'burner straight from Mad Max' costumery.

Cup of Joe - Naturally, in celebration of my background...well perhaps more coincidental than not, we made a pitstop to cool down with Vietnamese iced coffee and Thai iced tea.

Birthday Goodies - Of course for my sweet tooth, we stopped by the Black Rock Bakery VICE - Vietnamese iced coffee.

Traveling the playa takes a lot of patience, and traversing to the other side is like traveling to the other side of the world. No ubers, just our feet and our trusty decked out bicycles. Of course, it wasn't our first attempt but ended up being a moment of synchronicity that we encountered a moment of kindness to be ushered in as the last group, not having to navigate any long lines...

Bubble Bath Orgy - The Foam Dome (open secret of course, sponsored by Dr. Bronners) was and experience that cannot be explained. Bodies in its natural glory, undulating to tunes DJ'ed by the best in the festi scene. How best to celebrate a birthday than in my very own birthday suit. I probably wasn't the first, nor will I be the last, but it was fun being a child and having a golden shower moment, as my little secret.

Birthday Treat - Black Rock Bakery was like a siren to my sweet tooth. I got special treats and a surprise birthday song from strangers that were family.

    

 

Bon Apetit - Spoonful of Friends is Black Rock City's attempt at fine dining, hosting 50 people for a taste of French cuisine. Reservations are hard to come by like Michelin restaurants and are oftentimes made in advance of the Burn. We may have been the only few Americans among a sea of international dialects. The food seemed like a minor player in the beautiful connections being made.

Lost in the Deep Abyss of the Dust - Stretching with clouds of dust to No-Man's Land, we ended the night not letting the night end. Chasing Sabo and parties at Camp Q, exploring art installations, taking a moment at the Temple (chimera) to respect experiences of the past that shape us, and releasing any inhibitions to the guide of plant medicine, we lost all sense of time in the magic of the moment.

It may not be my last Burn, but I will never have another first Burn. A day of synchronicities, a day of abundance, a day of loving and kindness ... a dream I never dreamt. I am ME. FREEDOM!

violet goddess

In a moment of firsts, I was looking forward to spending Christmas with the eyes of a child with rainbow kaleidoscope glasses, watching the radiant sun, cottony clouds, bluest sky, undulating waves and briskly palm trees turn into the glowing moon, twinkling stars and roaring tides as we walked the shores of Cabo San Lucas. When we saw the notice that the luggage had been searched and the bare vial, our hearts dropped. In an attempt to salvage my wish, he diluted the vial with water for me to empty the contents.

Within minutes, my body was taken through whorls of vibrant purples, magentas and fuchsias of fractals and mandalas by a dark-headed goddess. Those who witnessed my short journey in blast off likened my undulations to be an extended stay of a similar journey. Not understanding where it was taking me, I just wanted it to stop as I was spent.

By today, we realized that what appeared to be barren had only had the alcoholic medium evaporate, and my second experience with the medicine was enough for three. While the goddess guided me through visuals that my eyes and mind had never seen, my muscle-fatigued body was ready to get off her tour, not quite understanding her message.

full circle (part 9)

"You are one of the most agreeable Lovers of this type, always ready to compromise and anxious to please; but this does not make you the easiest to love. The fact is, you are more apt than any Mars in Aquarius Lover to shut out those you love from your emotional life. Your self-sufficiency means that even people who want to be close to you find themselves loving you from afar. You are a warm, witty, and exceptionally sexy Lover, but you can’t expect people to truly care about you if they can’t really know you."

~ Good Golly, Mars in Aquarius, Venus in Virgo 

I first read that last year, and whether one believes in astrology as an alternative science or not, it resonated with me. I focused on the positive aspects that allow me to intimately connect and find pleasure with a partner without the usual emotional attachment (face of the girl (part 1)) that many women require.

As a first born (family ties) from a first-generation immigrant family, I have always had to be self-sufficient (full circle (part 8)), whether I had wanted to or not. In some ways, Italy seemed progressive such as creativity in their relationship paradigms and in other ways, traditional. One discussion I got into was with a woman who was professing her liberalness yet complaining about how men have been emasculated. It was not until her cousin explained to me that she had made it her mission to let the entire family know that her husband has not had sex with her for over 11 years that it occurred to me the irony in her emasculating her husband rather than working through their issues as a couple, rather than trying to practically bully him by embarrassing him in front of others.

Throughout my time in Italy, I often got into conversations regarding relationships and gender roles. In the same breath, the men would grumble about Italian women wanting men to take care of them and yet want to be in charge. I am pretty sure that is not just limited to Italy. Many confuse the concept of feminism, which is the right to be equal among the sexes. It does not equate to being equal in all things. For example, generally, men have been noted as having better spatial cognition. That does not mean a woman is incapable of packing luggage in a car trunk.

During a fun debate on the topic, it was noted that a man's ego and masculinity drives him to want to protect a woman. As noted in beach angel, while I can take care of myself, I would love to be protected. But as we were talking, it occurred to me that I never really allowed someone to do so. My friend remarked earlier that day on how a close family friend always opened the door for her. Of course, jokingly, I commented that he did not open the door for me. Rightly so, he retorted that I hopped in the car so fast that I never gave him the opportunity to do so.

A few days earlier as we were having lunch, I arranged to pay the bill mid-meal. I had learned over the weeks that in Italy, the early bird gets the worm. Yet it is very common for the men to cover the bill so I was rejected by both the waitress and owner, as my male friend is a regular patron and it is usually assumed that he would cover it. Since he is American though, it only took a few whispers for him to get that overridden. However, my other friend's Italian husband would have none of it. If the American man was not going to pay or pay a portion, he would pay as he views it as offensive if a woman pays for him. In the end, we ended up splitting the bill, with him paying for me and his wife and me paying for the American man and his female friend.

Later that night, as I had to listen to the gripes of the American man penny-pinching on what he had to cover, which was half of the drinks bill at the last bar, splitting amongst the men, rather than everyone splitting the bill, I realized how chivalry seems to have gotten lost, especially as his lunch was technically covered by me. My friend had to explain to me how not only her husband but also his family and friends feel the same way in regards to women paying. As I parted ways with the American man and for the rest of the trip, nobody blinked as the men fought over who would pick up the tab.

I have gone Dutch for as long as I can remember, partly because of equality with all of us having careers and partly because men cannot expect any favors later in exchange for drinks or food (reclaiming the cunt (part 3)). However, this has also been taken to the extreme as I have noticed lately that some men will intentionally go to a bar early to order and pay for his drink so that there is no confusion on who is covering his date's bill. I personally prefer to take turns treating each other, just like taking turns asking each other out. Either way, I realized that following my friend's instructions not to insult the men by offering to pay became a bit more challenging than it should have. 

As the family was pimping me out, I found myself hesitating, and rationalizing my behavior as not wanting to hurt a gentleman. My friend kept reminding me that they are adults and are responsible for themselves. I found that it was a similar apprehension as when I met a man from YUMmy and subsequently, his friend, prior to my trip to Italy. 

The respect they had for women and each other, their communication styles, their honesty and transparency with each other and me...it is difficult to explain why it gave me pause. Prior and during meeting, there were communications on intentions and check-ins to ensure people were aware of the other's objectives/plans, even if fluid. No games, just transparency and living in truths and authenticity. As my hair stylist reminded me while I relayed this to her, this was exactly what I have been searching for in the last few years. While I have always noted that I have met great men in my life (pig in mud (part 4)), there was something very unnerving about how these men disarmed me.

As with protection and simple gestures such as picking up a tab and opening doors, while subtle, there is a significant difference in expecting them and allowing someone the pleasure of doing them. As with my lesson on communication of intentions, it takes away any anxiety and/or assumptions when it is clear what the 'rules of engagement' or simple pleasures that make someone tick are. Like 'need' and 'want', it is 'same same but different'. It always troubled me when hearing people comment that I am difficult to get to know as I would like to think I am an open book about anything and everything but perhaps this steadfast 'independence' is the barrier they see. Between 11:11 (part 10) and these moments, 'letting go' and 'letting others in' also means 'allowing'.

My friend's Italian husband also loves to cook. He and his mother usually are a hoot to watch in the kitchen as she tries to supervise him while he blatantly tunes her out. As the family often utters, they gain weight when he is in town. My friend has learned to cook in order for them to have quality time in the kitchen together. She fries cutlets better than him while he loves to grill and makes a mean bowl of pasta.

In naturally trying to be self-sufficient and in the quest for equality, I missed the most obvious lesson of feminism. It is about unmasking the expected gender roles and embracing the ability to do what each person enjoys, even if that happens to be within the 'traditional gender expectations'. It does not make me any less of a woman than it makes him more of a man. Like being sexually liberated, even in the choice of being a sub, the freedom is the choice (and consent) to do so without being bound by the expectations of being one. By the last day, I was feeling less uneasy about men being chivalrous that I almost forgot to express appreciation to them for such gestures. Another lesson I cannot neglect. Similar to my surprise in identifying my love languages, what I thought I did not need turns out to be exactly want my soul desires.