shoshin

After her death (heart beats), her parents had gifted me her stash, mostly consisting of spacer beads, tassels and cord/thread. I had planned on making her parents malas for their ceremony the following spring to spread her ashes with her grandparents, but despite initially watching a number of YouTube videos to learn the art of making malas and purchasing beads with their favorite colors, I couldn't get inspired and so the deliveries remained in their unpacked boxes, much like the lingerie purchases from Agent Provocateur (synchronicity (part 3)). 

Although I had enjoyed tapping into my creativity in designing the malas, it was a part of a process to closing a chapter (resfeber), with not a lot of thought into the gemstones other than the favorite colors of the recipient(s). As I started learning the various meanings behind the number 108, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole that inspired me to truly channel my creativity ... and love.

Source: www.gaia.com

While some argue that malas have been appropriated in Western culture as chic fashion statements, many who use it in spiritual practice welcome the inclusivity, encouraging others to establish an intent or motivation, even if it is the joy that the mala brings to the wearer. My research led me to more natural elements, which are usually seen in malas used by monks, and/or gemstones sourced in parts of Asia.

The momentum of synchronicity (part 3) made it easy to stay in joy as careful thought was put into the types of materials and their sourcing, and the related meaning and intent of each. Similar to synchronicity (part 2), I felt the energy shift, and although it was accompanied with an excuse, I am continuing to practice being aligned with my self (stone skipping (part 13)). Rather than dwell on it, I knew there was a part of the story that I did not have clarity on that was not a reflection of me (a remnant of supernova and  synchronicity (part 2), right down to the ghosting) and how I was showing up, and promised to complete my labor of love, only sitting before it when I was filled with positive energy and love.

Knowing that the excuse did not tell the whole story, one of my last communications was 'follow your bliss', feeling what the polyamorists call 'compersion' (spiritual masters) and what the Dutch call 'gunnen'. Recruiting a friend in London to confirm a work address led to a few dead ends. While he was having fun chasing down a 'ghost' for my 'surprise' adventure, I was starting to feel uneasy letting him and his assistant continue their detective work, not wanting to uncover anything that should be told to me by the source himself.

I made the choice to ruin my own surprise, and the initial terse response confirmed the messages that my Higher Self had shown me through Archangel Guidance. After meditating, I knew I needed to complete the passion project as I sat in front of it. After two separate stints of explaining the 'dead ends' with the air of a caged animal, I realized that none of it mattered as it didn't explain what my heart was looking for ... the energy shift. 

"17. Defenses are the plans you undertake to make against the truth. Their aim is to select what you approve, and disregard what you consider incompatible with your beliefs of reality. Yet what remains is meaningless indeed. For it is your reality that is the 'threat' which your defenses would attack, obscure, and take apart and crucify."

 ~ ACIM - Lesson 135 

"2. ... You make what you defend against, and by your own defense against it is it real and inescapable...

3. It seems to be the enemy without that you attack. Yet your defense sets up an enemy within; an alien thought at war with you, depriving you of peace, splitting your mind into two camps which seem wholly irreconcilable. For love now has an 'enemy,' an opposite; and fear, the alien, now needs your defense against the threat of what you really are."

~ ACIM - Lesson 170

I was slightly surprised that my reaction was to ruin my own surprise over uncovering truths, given my penchant to find answers, especially when one's behavior does not align with my past interactions with them. Perhaps it was my maturity and/or my growth from past experiences (full circle (part 1), calming the mind and synchronicity (part 2)) that I know that patience tends to provide the answers that I (or they) need to heal (moments that matter (part 2), the truth shall set you free, standing taller, and synchronicity (part 2)), and obsessively searching for answers only added negative vibrations to attracting more of those experiences for me.

I know that there are many parts of what I saw that I love (synchronicity (part 3)), including his stories of how he tries to treat others with kindness (blossoming), yet the reflection that was mirrored back made me realize that I still had work to do if I was still attracting unkindness to myself. I had compassion for myself and allowed me a moment to feel the sadness and frustration at the reflection, recognizing that this may also be a delayed vibration, giving me an opportunity to react differently (saudade (part 4)).

It is beautiful in its simplicity. Looking at it warms my heart - my most thoughtful creation and gift to date. With the symbolisms of Tibetan and Buddhist numbers and numerology of the masculine and feminine coupled with the intents and healing auras and aromas of Rudraksha, dark red rosewood, dragon bloodwood red agathis alba, orange sandalwood, Australian sandalwood, thuja sutchuenensis, and rose quartz, cleansed and powered by the light of the Sun and the Pink Full Moon (supported by my spirit animal, dragonfly), infused with the vibrations of 1111 Hz handpan sounds by Malte Marten and chants of Ohm with each knot, and protected by the red sandalwood dragon guru (year of the wood dragon) and Ohm imprinted markers, the mala is a creation of pure love and kindness, embodying my belief in the magic that exists in the partnership created in the mind of a little girl in surprising inspiration. 

Much like in triggering, as I was putting the finishing touches at the mouth of the dragon, my body experienced a knowing - a déja vu, recalling a faint dream that made no sense at the time as the colors and lines vividly completed the vision, resulting in a Duchenne smile emanating from my face, as I gently touched the dragon to bless it with love and kindness.

Knowing my penchant for silliness and surprises, my friend across the pond readily jumped at a Friday mystery. Of course, after I had aborted his plans for the detective work to continue in the following week, his curiosity further stoked by the numerous 'dead ends', I knew I owed him a story as he was at his local pub having a few stiff ones for us.

"That's awesome - send it to him regardless. No regrets! He'd be so lucky! X (kiss)

And hey - the worst thing that happened was that you had a bit of an adventure and you got to say hi to me after all these years! Say hi to the Bergners from me! Such great memories"

And like my knowing that it was the right thing to do to send my friend's octopus mala (heart beats) back to her family for not only her ceremony but for as long as her mother needed to hold onto her daughter's last uncompleted creation, I knew that the dragon mala only had one home.

"1. No one can give what he has not received. To give a thing requires first you have it in your own possession. Here the laws of Heaven and the world agree. But here they also separate. The world believes that to possess a thing, it must be kept. Salvation teaches otherwise. To give is how to recognize you have received. It is the proof that what you have is yours.

2. You understand that you are healed when you give healing. You accept forgiveness as accomplished in yourself when you forgive. You recognize your brother as yourself, and thus do you perceive that you are whole. There is no miracle you cannot give, for all are given you. Receive them now by opening the storehouse of your mind where they are laid, and giving them away."

~ACIM - Lesson 108

* * * * *

Update May 6, 2024:

The last remaining materials arrived from Asia today. As this was for his travels, primarily for business, the intentions and symbolisms behind the hand mala (with thuja sutchuenensis, red agate, Indonesian agathis alba kingwood, tiger eye, Mexican golden rosewood, moonstone, rose quartz and weathered Bodhi seed) were centered around financial success, courage, confidence, mental acuity (including calmness and health, such as improvements in sleep, digestion and jet lag) and protection. The white lotus guru represents growth and power ... pushing up through the muddy waters to emerge beautifully above the surface.

Ironically, a friend is currently visiting Switzerland with his Japanese girlfriend. They have been in a long-distance relationship for over a year, often taking opportunities to meet each other somewhere in between and explore foreign lands. One of his recent stories looked similar to Lakes Brienz and Lungern in CLoY (saudade (part 1)), a reminder of how paths can cross without connection until we're vibrationally matched, a similar theme from Sliding Doors (22), delayed by a missed train (heart beats).

"Sometimes the wrong train takes you to the right station."

~ Indian proverb

Coupled with the déja vu from above, the completion of the hand mala at 11:11 pm were cues that I was at least headed towards the right station. It will feel much lighter when I put this in the post tomorrow.

"By grace I live. By grace I am released.
By grace I give. By grace I will release."

~ ACIM - Lesson 169

tum-tum

Vietnam has changed a lot since I lived here, and even since my last visit in 2017 (same same but different). My first store that I ventured into had a full display of sex toys - something that was underground, recycled by expats as gifts to local girlfriends and confiscated at customs in the past (elvis has left the building). Yet, although accessible before, like Thailand (that's a-mores!), porn sites are now blocked.

While District 2 is full of Western influences in its restaurants and bars, menus have been customized to local preferences, like unpalatable and al fresco to go, While two of the top three selling pizzas of Al Fresco's Group are typical pizzas in Western countries, the other one (New Oceana) is specific to local tastes, comprising of bacon, tuna, onions and cheese while covered in Thousand Island dressing, with your usual ketchup and pepper packets as extras that Southern Vietnamese put on top of their pizzas (al fresco to go).

Even Pizza Hut introduced the Worm Pizza on April 1 of this year, resulting in many wondering if it was an April Fool's joke. But as noted by Saigoneer, it was launched to line up with Earth Day and one of the company's mission of sustainable sources of food, given the high protein content of silkworms.

Despite the general lactose-intolerance of its people (got milk?), there is now an abundance of affordable milk options from local to foreign sources, including Meiji and oat milk. I was surprised to find the only 'gluten-free only' restaurant in the country, considering the significance of coeliac disease in the US. While I knew that pasta in Italy (and other countries) tend to not contain gluten because of the lack of pesticides in locally sourced wheat, I had not realized that soy sauce contained gluten until I recently dated someone (synchronicity (part 2)) who sometimes had belly aches from Asian food. However, because most of the carbs in the Vietnamese diet is rice based, over 95% of the diet is gluten-free, including the locally sourced soy sauce. Much of the diet is also fresh, unprocessed and organic.

As locals start modifying their diet to incorporate those from other countries, they may find that the Southeast Asians may also have an intolerance to gluten. My 23andMe (full circle (part 3)) profile notes that I am likely to have alcohol flush (moments that matter (part 6)) and lactose intolerance, but coeliac disease is not something that is noted in my dashboard, as of yet, but then again, when I initially received my results, it lumped me in as Southeast Asian, a very broad stroke, and has over the years, refined it to Vietnamese, including specific regions, as more data is collected.

While Silvi Coffee Roasters also specializes in quality coffee, it boasts the country's only gluten-free menu focused on quality ingredients, and provides gluten-free products to other local restaurants and hotels. In my experience, not all gluten-free products and restaurants are created equal, and much like vegan options, I struggle to rehaul my diet because of the flavors and quality. However, I enjoyed the savory and sweet flavors and dishes that I experienced in this off-the-beaten-track gem. Yet in the modern day conundrum of business owners, the 'hidden' treasure for those suffering from coeliac disease would unfortunately get lost in the algorithms or meta tags of the savvy internet travelers. Hopefully, this helps shift the algorithm for them.

* * * * *

Update June 13, 2023:

It would seem from the knowledgable locals (e.g., my prior staff) that the country has only blocked international porn sites, and not the ones that are more regional. Rather than ask my old crew, I did a quick search and someone who seems to have a fetish for Vietnamese women, have already captured this (The 5 best Vietnamese porn sites) on My Sexpedition, filed under 'How and Where to Find Sex in Vietnam' and 'How and Where to Find Sex on the Internet'. He does list the international one that seems to be blocked now as number 4, but perhaps it worked in January 2023 and has fallen prey to the censor police.

synchronicity (part 2)

 "The more validation I need, the less discernment I have."

~ Kurt Hanks 

This excursion never really had a 'honeymoon' period, tumbling right into a trigger on the first date that allowed me to heal from a similar experience almost a year before (11:11 (part 14)). With the intention of walking into this journey with a 'friend' to mirror and reflect on triggers that may come up to end patterns (saudade (part 5), bluebird, saudade (part 6), and patois), it seemed a bit quicker and easier to process and see the patterns from a different perspective, perhaps from a perceived trust built on friendship.

In what I felt was unlocking some part of me that allowed me to feel truly 'safe' with a man (bluebird) or to feel a deeper connection with someone who could read my body as I've only experienced with one other (bubble of bliss), I am wondering if that has more to do with my own growth and how I show up in connections, rather than someone providing such safety or awareness of my body.

Similar to calming the mind, the universe opens up doors and opportunities that quickly usher me along, reminding me to keep moving and growing. Yet, there was a final lesson to be learned, something that has been on the perimeter of my journey since consciously starting this exploration in 2016. 

I realized that he represented aspects of others before him - from seeing white (part 2), who surrounded himself with 'friends' whom he never felt comfortable being himself, numbing themselves and judging others, to bubble of bliss, who in the end, let life jade him to be a shadow of who he once was, putting up walls so as not to ever connect with someone at a deep level again (weightless). While the former 'ghosted', he showed up months later (supernova), explaining that being in a container where he felt safe being himself showed him a side of himself that made him realize how unhappy he was and the choices he had made, which caused him to run as he chose 'ignorance' rather than 'bliss'. While he has shown up again a time or two over the years, it is with the same energy of some nostalgia of what could have been had he been more courageous and how deep he has gotten with the ongoing decisions in his life that have brought him more shame and/or have made him a complete stranger to himself.

While it saddens me that a 'friend' wouldn't communicate that he wasn't courageous enough or ready for the growth, he was also choosing to repeat patterns of masterminding his friends to validate his choices in life. While I had created nicknames in the past so that friends wouldn't negatively judge people I dated if they ever meet them (missing in action), his approach was to get validation by demonizing his partners, reminiscent of my first (moments that matter (part 6)). Unfortunately, that forces him into a corner where he cannot be present with positive energy of working things out with his partner, without clarifying his prior actions based on untruths to others, when he is fearful of his friends judging him for staying in what they perceived to be 'toxic', his own creation.

The self-sabotage that went on for months created chaos/drama that was futile. Ultimately, he could not own his own decision and actions and felt the need to create situations that forced him into it, so as not to be accountable to himself for his own self-harm. In closing my patterns though, I know I showed up authentically and lovingly. I was able to work through old patterns with the discernment to change behaviors. More importantly, breaking another pattern I had fallen into in the past, I also do not feel any 'guilt' for feeling as if I gave up on someone - he gave up on himself.

There seems to have been a shift since spiritual masters, whereby incorporating the universal law of vibration with the universal law of attraction, I realize that another pattern I choose to change is trying to be 'heard' or 'not handicapped'. Seeing the lengths he went through to numb emotions allowed me to truly reflect on my growth in the last few years as I connect with mine, honing in on my understanding of the breadth and complexities of them to let my higher self/intuition guide me. People will treat me the way they want to treat me. My power is whether I let them do so. I can pinpoint to the exact time where I felt a shift in his energy. It was palpable although we were thousands of miles apart. Yet, I allowed him to make me question the negative vibrations I was feeling, rather than choosing to focus on activities that made me feel 'good' and repelling the negativity. Subconsciously, even my body was rejecting by pushing him out and off, when he tried to make our sex transactional, despite him mistakenly thinking it was due to orgasms.

When someone self-sabotages because our 'closeness' was scaring him, the only thing left for me to feel is compassion for him by sending him a lot of positive vibrations for his journey, as authentic connections is what makes life worth living. It probably doesn't bode well for any type of 'interaction' when our astrological chart notes:

"You and [BDC] have an unusually strong connection. Even if there are other tensions between you - there's an aspect of the connection that is especially enjoyable and probably makes both of you feel more confident.

You and [BDC] might feel closer to each other than you do with other friends."

~ The Pattern 

While I may listen to the universe (or 'be one with the mountain'), it isn't everyone's journey. In reconnecting with an ex last night, with my recently learnt boundaries established, we were able to explain his initial reaction to me that we couldn't explain other than perhaps residual 'past life karma'. Much like BDC, his irritation was due to the significant gap in our vibrations, and he was subconsciously threatened by the higher vibration, given where he was in his life at the time (11:11 (part 11)).

I am excited at my progress, while not always smooth, has been rewarding, especially to set me up for me to embrace my true calling in life...to just experience, which has come up in QHHT as well as a friend's channeling. My partners are also elevating in our compatibility from 'Meaningful' to 'Extraordinary'.

"Your destiny is to be able to relax and enjoy your life without guilt. Try to immerse yourself in things that feel good and to savor your experiences. It's okay to be on the receiving end in life; learn to appreciate your patience and ability to stay present in the moment. You may have artistic tendencies and you certainly have excellent taste, whether it's in food, people, clothes, or art. It's important to carve out time for yourself and engage your senses.

In your relationship experiences, you may end up with or expect partners who are out of the ordinary. The average type won't do. You tend to go for unconventional, rebellious, or extremely intelligent people."

~ The Pattern

* * * * *

Update April 24, 2023:

After asking an ex if he remembered 11:11 (part 11), I received the following, a reminder that everyone's journey has its own timing and small actions/moments that may seem inconsequential may have lasting ripple effects in someone's life.

"Yes, I certainly do remember. Reading this made me cry, and I wanted to stop after I knew what it was, but I realized instantly that this was a confirmation of why you're back in my life right now. I've had the best 7 days as of today [that] I've had since I moved here, doing all the things that make me most proud of myself without missing a beat. I have been working on radical self-forgiveness, knowing that forgiving myself for all the stuff with you would be the final box I'd eventually have to open. to be honest, it still scares me half to death to think about, but I can see that, likely without your [sic] even knowing, you're giving me opportunities to take it in small chunks. I have a lot of grieving to do before I can forgive myself, but thank you for sending me this."

patois

 "Die Grenzen meiner Sprache bedeuten die Grenzen meiner Welt."

 ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein (Tractatus Logico Philosophicus, 1921) 

Roughly translated, he says "[t]he limits of my language mean the limits of my world." Imagine the walls around us when our vocabulary is not as expansive of our experiences. Emotional granularity is our ability to differentiate the specificity of our emotions, which is positively correlated to our mental and physical well-being.

Wittgenstein also argued "God" has different meanings in different communities that requires understanding context and the experiences of the user within the linguistic community. Are we even talking about the same thing?

Rice is a big staple in many Asian cultures, and therefore, many of the Asian languages have numerous words for rice, from the various types to the various stages of the rice production process. However, in English, rice is limited to one word (albeit differentiated by adjectives like brown or white). 

In addition to vocabulary, context is a big factor. During my time in Asia, I learned that although many Westerners think that sarcasm doesn't exist in Asia, it is a lot more subtle than the American version. Even my mother and cousin (stone skipping (part 8)) always seemed to miss how my father and I communicated with our sarcastic banter (full circle (part 5)).

When he recently asked me what I thought he felt when his ex said something to him, I thought he was asking me to guess his response, rather than that he struggled to find the description to the emotion he was feeling. He could only distinguish it as 'not feeling good'. From his musings, it seemed to me like saudade (part 1), a Portuguese word that doesn't have a direct translation to English. I recently struggled to explain my love for surprises with what seemed like a disproportionate amount of giddiness at the experience, that somehow was perfectly defined as pū'iwa in the Hawaiian language. 

Our ability to properly identify emotions equip us in not only sharing our experiences with others but also with allowing us to properly regulate them. Identifying the accurate positive emotion would enable us to replicate it while identifying the wrong negative emotion would completely throw our body and nervous system in the wrong direction.

For most humans, our main emotions are happy, sad and angry. Language doesn't just carry the emotions but it changes it for us, in how we navigate it in our lives. Even emotions like shame and guilt or anxious and overwhelmed seemed to be used interchangeably. Yet, guilt is understanding that what someone did was wrong while shame is believing that your whole being is wrong. Processing the former may take us to learn from the mistake and apologize, knowing it was a mistake that doesn't define someone, while the latter tends to take someone into deeper insecurities and 'shame cycle' that can result in allowing it to define us.

At the top of a taste of heaven, it took my breath away. When I have epiphanies like saudade (part 6) or experiences like sound healing, similar behaviors like tears of joy, difficulties catching my breath, or goosebumps and feeling small and connected to the world. Yet, one is awe, where I step back and let it unfold before me while the other is wonder, piquing my curiosity to want to learn more, often a sign of positive reinforcement from my higher self that I am at the right place at the right time.

When we tell ourselves that we feel 'overwhelmed', our body tends to shut down, making us incapable of making good decisions. Brené Brown (stepping out), who has spent decades researching shame and vulnerability, notes that this emotion is one of many in the 'things are uncertain or too much category' and rather than letting it shut us down, we should take a moment to better define the true emotion whether it is stress, dread, fear, vulnerability, etc.

Source: Atlas of the Heart

I have chosen not to let my negative experiences hold me back and make me guarded from being vulnerable or loving the best way I know how. I have been trying to be authentic, even if that puts me on a limb by myself to say 'I love you!', knowing many in this world somehow fear those words, especially in the romantic sense, so I narrate it that my love comes with no conditions, expecting the feeling to be reciprocal. When I read the text on Christmas Day, I was conflicted with so many emotions...but I chose to believe in its simplicity (in the NOW).

"Merry Christmas, I'm so thankful for your friendship and guidance through my shit, I'm excited to turn the corner and make this year my bitch/heaven on earth...😘😘. You are amazing and I hope you have a great day with the family. Love you too!"

To be told that someone resents you, especially in a romantic relationship...well, it's the first time for me. I watched how resentment over seven years destroyed a loving one as it was so deep that couple's therapy couldn't heal the deep scar tissue. He did things for her because he loved her. From her point of view, she never asked him to make such 'sacrifices' and thought he just 'wanted' the same thing. In the end, they were his choices that he never communicated/narrated his process nor treated her as a partner-in-crime so that they could make the decisions together. He resented her for not appreciating all the things he did. In the end, they failed to understand his love language (words of affirmation) and failed to treat each other as 'us'.

It still is unclear to me what I am being resented for...that we enjoyed each other's company so just hung out a lot or that he loved me and doesn't want to. When someone asks me to come over or 'what are we doing for dinner', I took those as invitations of someone wanting me to be present. I wasn't aware of any 'sacrifices' of not hanging out with others, for example, and it came off as if somehow he was blaming me and/or angry at me for it. Coupled with his request for me to role play 'goth', including incorporating an ad-hoc choker, only to be asked if I wore it out in public.

'Resentment' falls in the category of 'we compare'. Marc Brackett, founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, maintains that resentment is part of the 'envy' family, rather than the 'angry' family. With the situation of my friends in the seven-year relationship, his anger was more at himself for not being able to 'ask for what he needed and acknowledge his limits'. Unfortunately, this was projected onto his partner. 

Source: Atlas of the Heart

Buddhism has a term of 'near enemy', which in its original context, is about a behavior that seems to be for a spiritual purpose that because of intent, in reality got in the way of one's spiritual growth - like grand gestures of acts of service being done more for the acclaim and attention rather than to give back to the world (tonight) and pay it forward. In the context of emotions, the view that jealousy equates to love which reared its ugly head during my first relationship (reclaiming the cunt (part 5)). 

Attachment is the near enemy of love...the conditions of someone loving another because of the person loving in return, or because something is needed by the other, or condition of changing the other person, something I've always resisted in my relationships (me love you long time (part 7)). Attachment grasps, fear, and possess while true love allows, honors and appreciates. The near enemy of connection is control, and trying to control one's emotions rather than just feeling and being. Trying to control when or how one may love another seems to separate us from ourselves and understanding our inner map, holding us back from truly connecting to others.

I can only own my understanding of my inner map and emotions. The limitations of someone's vocabulary in their emotions makes it more challenging to believe their communication (or hunch with the overlay of my experiences) as to their experience. Applying my recent learning of detachment and ATTUNE-ing (saudade (part 6)), rather than feeling the various 'Empathy Misses' that one could easily get caught up in the hurt of judgment, blame and disappointment, compassion and understanding requires me to be more inquisitive, the real question to him is ... 'What do you need that you're not asking for?'

spiritual masters

When I reflect upon the (wo)man in mirror, I am reminded of the many spiritual masters who have graced this planet and left tools for us to work through our individual journeys to a world of love. They all share the same message, just in different ways that hopefully will resonate with different people. In each of us is the Holy Spirit (our Higher Selves) that guides us, yet we have ancestral DNA and/or childhood traumas that put up barriers to us trusting ourselves.

When I started on the path of exploration of connecting with my body (face of the girl (part 2) and YUMmy), it did not come from a place of love but from a place of resentment and rebellion with a touch of the Italian chin flick to say 'I don't care'. In line with the Law of Cause and Effect, this brought on a lot of learnings that didn't necessarily come up in the most healthy ways but in searching for tools to process what bubbled up, the universe guided me towards a journey of spiritual awakening that finally had me tap into deeper learnings from early sources in my life like A Conversation with God (to err is human, to forgive, divine) or the Christian Bible that at the time, certain parts did not make a lot of sense.

"Spirituality is the path of the heart. It is the path of using the mind in a loving way. But in order to do this, we must discipline ourselves to do so because the world view, the mental filter, that dominates the planet is not a mental filter based on love. It is a mental filter that is based on fear. And so, '[A] Course in Miracles' [("ACIM")] tells us that even though we were born with the natural tendency to give and to receive love from a very early age, we are taught a world view that is not based on love and proactively, repudiates and resists love. As a consequence, [ACIM] says by the time we are pretty early age, that which is natural thinking actually feels unnatural to us. And that which is unnatural feels natural. so that we instinctively at this point go from the wrong-minded perception. We are instinctively lured and tempted towards the anger, towards the toughness, towards the separation, towards the attack and towards the defense. The spiritual journey is a dismantling of the thought system that dominates the world. [ACIM] says enlightenment is not a learning. It is an unlearning. It is an unlearning of perspective of fear and substituting instead the perspective of love, which is God's perspective, which is natural to who we are."

~ Marianne Williamson - How To Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

With that also came a number of people coming in and out of my orbit on their own spiritual journey. Yet similar to the sex positive community, I have discovered a lot of people who have used spirituality as a way to manipulate others and/or to self-declare that they are enlightened beings as if it is some special badge. Having fallen into the lure and sense of belonging that organized religion provides and the subsequent detrimental judgement and outcasting that brings on isolation and detachment, I have luckily been able to 'feel' those situations and not get too enmeshed. With the current political environment all over the world, the psychology behind cults have taken center stage with many saying that the followers have been brainwashed, implying that people can't think for themselves.

"The Secret" movie was created to share a universal law that isn't so secret and can even be found in ancient texts, including Matthew 21:22, to the masses. In what appears to be someone's moment of sales/get/scarcity mentality (looking out for self) rather than service/give/abundance mentality (looking out for others), Abraham Hicks was asked to give up their intellectual property or be removed from the production. Although contractually, they had a viable suit, they decided to walk the path of least resistance with the guidance from Abraham that says "Whenever you are given an ultimatum that says, 'if you don't do this, then we will have to do such and such,' it is best that you just let it go and move on. Otherwise, there is always another, and this, and this, and this?" Unfortunately, the critical moments that were scrapped also provided the context in utilizing Law of Attraction from a place of service rather than self, leaving "The Secret" to feel a lot about manifesting material attachments. Ironically, "The Secret" talks about knowledge being surpressed; however, by removing Abraham Hicks, they have further suppressed the "secret" by 'dumbing down' the guidance without the spiritual context.

In both the sex positive and spiritual communities, I have witnessed how words like 'consent', 'compersion', 'law of attraction', 'manifestation', 'nonviolent communications', 'high vibrational people', etc. have been used in vain and becomes back-handed judgements to further isolate people (into fear) rather than support a sense of belonging (into love). If someone doesn't have money flowing towards them, it is perceived as the person having a lot of blockages and therefore, unable to manifest money. Yet in the spirit of the Law of Attraction, manifesting for the ego is the antithesis to coming from a place of love.

"Language is a leader's charisma. It's what empowers them to create a mini universe - a system of values and truths - and then compel their followers to heed its rules...Without language, there are no 'cults'...But with a glimmer of willingness, language can do so much to squash independent thinking, obscure truths, encourage confirmation bias, and emotionally charge experiences such that no other way of life seems possible."

~ Amanda Montell (Daily Beast, June 27, 2021) 

While there isn't an overarching leader, the New Age movement that has people migrating to Tulum, Bali or Hawaii has quite the cult following, including various sects with defined leaders like The Miracle School where leaders have been accused of abusing their power and manipulating followers for perverse goals. Many of these sects work much like a Ponzi scheme, encouraging followers to recruit others to create their own mini-community. Followers feel judged and shamed for not 'doing the work' to gain some magical enlightenment. I have found that many, in and out of these mini-communities, profess to have gifts like channeling, energy work, past lives readings, etc. One day they may be talking about their traumas, and the next they have 'fixed' all their traumas and are now providing these 'magical' services, claiming that they are coming from a place of love and light, yet watching them in their everyday interactions indicate otherwise. 

Talking about how they only hang out with 'high vibe' people or stating that they don't attract drama at the same time that they are implying that you are bringing the drama into their lives or claiming that their negative reaction to you was a response based on the energy that they supposedly saw coming from you ... seems like a lot of gaslighting, projection and lack of awareness that they are the other side of that equation that they are not taking the responsibility for their own actions/reactions as they talk down to you from their pedestal of 'light worker' and violating your energy and/or manipulating and silencing you by stating that they supposedly can see that your energy does not come from love, despite you knowing otherwise. Jesus did not 'boast' about being the son of God and all his 'magical' gifts when he was washing the feet of his disciples. He did not claim that someone's truth wasn't true. The gifts are all in us, and as with such powers come responsibility and morals to use them ethically. Consent is not only a term in the sexual realm but also in the spiritual to not violate someone's energy.  As Montell notes, stating something that cannot be validated such as what one perceives as another's energy or motivation without considering one's filter and confirmation bias can be damaging and toxic in a community where others have suspended independent thinking and follow the majority.

Much like reclaiming the cunt (part 1) and a box of crayons, alarm bells started ringing in my ears when someone yesterday made reference to ACIM seemingly to validate her point of view that people are responsible for going through their own journey without anyone sharing their experiences for the person to make a more informed decision and/or so the person can learn from others' experiences, lest it takes away their free will. When she brought up the analogy, she seemed to be confusing the not being able to make a horse drink with not even leading the horse to water, implying that none of it was our responsibility. This didn't seem aligned to my current experience with the teachings emphasizing that we are here to be of service to others and look out for each other, as we are all connected. While a horse may be responsible for drinking the water, the collective can at least step in to lead the horse to water and guide it in how to satiate its thirst. 

This concept of letting people fend for themselves is quite like the mindset of some women and minorities in Corporate America that feel as if someone has to go through the same trials and tribulations to get to the top rather than paving the way for others and mentoring them. There is a saying of the collective consciousness, "I heal you, I heal myself. I heal me, I heal you." Rather than having a healthy debate, any counter thought was quickly dismissed. When the herd mentality kicks in, the one who dares to check in with his/her self is left isolated. Unfortunately, that little girl teared up in her frustration and found herself apologizing, when nobody should apologize for sticking to their truths (saudade (part 4)).

In the past, these moments of un-ease would have me in my head all night, questioning everything. But somewhere in the discomfort, I had passed out and while I know I dreamt, I couldn't remember any specifics but it was the calm knowing that caused me to wake up with a big smile on my face this morning. I re-listened to Williamson's livestream yesterday, and although it seemed to just be information to absorb yesterday, her words today only reinforced that knowing that I woke up with. While many of the New Agers focus on the concept of taking responsibility for our own healing, they have neglected the collective conscious. She emphasizes that we can misuse the mind but we cannot 'obliterate the eternal connection'. While some in the herd want to hang out in neutral territory, ACIM, according to Williamson, says that there are no neutral thoughts. If we are not creating light, then darkness will creep in. She notes that good intentions are not enough, providing the analogy that one shouldn't just let a person shoot heroin, thinking that the person will have a lot of time to figure it out themselves. We have things to teach each other, and ACIM points out that each of us are only a half step ahead or behind each other. So if whoever we may teach (or demonstrate to) is only a half step behind us; if we weren't as far back as we are, who would demonstrate to that person otherwise?

Another tell of the gifts being misused was when she had disclosed only a few hours before she referenced ACIM to supposedly validate her point that she hadn't and didn't feel the need to read ACIM, perhaps implying that she already knew its wisdom. Williamson often points out that she has been studying it since the 1970s and still views herself as a pupil in its application. I realized how much someone's ego can quickly have me retraining my muscle memory, honing in on my intuition and trusting my self. For the same reason why I read the Bible (cover to cover) so that I could call into question how many misquote/misuse the Bible for selfish reasons, this has just boost my conviction to complete ACIM.

It is akin to being able to quickly suss out whether someone was truly informed and had watched the entire Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial, or whether he/she took snippets of testimony played in mainstream media, completely missing the context where the witness committed perjury, highlighting that person's inauthenticity and ignorance.

While I may not be on Lesson 137, it didn't take long for me to find at least one of the teachings on this very topic (emphasis added):

"When I am healed, I am not healed alone...

8. Healing is freedom. For it demonstrates that dreams will not prevail against the truth. Healing is shared. And by this attribute it proves that laws unlike the ones which hold sickness is inevitable are more potent than their sickly opposites. Healing is strength. For by its gentle hand is weakness overcome, and minds that were walled off within a body free to join with other minds, to be forever strong...

10. And as you let yourself be healed, you see all those around you, or who crossed your mind, or whom you touch or those who seem to have no contact with you, healed along with you. Perhaps you will not recognize them all, nor realize how great your offering to all the world, when you let healing come to you. But you are never healed alone. And legions upon legions will receive the gift that you receive when you are healed.

11. Those who are healed become the instruments of healing. Nor does the time elapse between the instant they are healed, and all the grace of healing it is given them to give. What is opposed to God does not exist, and who accepts it not within his mind becomes a haven where the weary can remain to rest. For here is truth bestowed, and here are all illusions brought to truth...

 14. Yet must we be prepared for such a gift. And so we will begin the day with this, and give ten minutes to these thoughts with which we will conclude today at night as well:

'When I am healed I am not healed alone. And I would share my healing with the world, that sickness may be banished from the mind of God's one Son, Who is my only Self.'"

~ ACIM - Lesson 137 

As with Abraham Hicks, this post serves as my choosing to let that negative energy go and move on.

* * * * *

Update September 22, 2022:

Similar to Williamson's livestream, when my friend recited this quote to me yesterday, it didn't hit me as much as when I heard it again the next day after an experience has worked through me. So it is not coincidence when this popped up in my Insight Timer this morning:

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

~ Mark Twain

Our neighbor asked me this morning about the guest. When she asked how it was going? I knew that she knew. She had picked up negative energy from the person and had told her husband that she did not want to be around that. As she had been going through her own trauma healing, she has been careful about who she allows into her world. It feels empowering when I shift my perspective (as Williamson deems 'miracle') and realize that isolation is always an amazing place to be when we stay true to ourselves and to God.

blossoming

I really want to be my true self...free, uninhibited, and perhaps even dirty. I'd like to live as who I am. What should I do?

There is a scene in The Naked Director where Megumi is asked why she wants to be in an adult video. It is followed up with what she would like a man to do to her.

First to make me feel safe. Then to hold me...Tighter.

And before anything should continue, she stops, stands up tall, partially disrobes and raising her arms, glorifying in her natural splendor, declares:

Please look at me...This is who I am! 

~ Megumi Sahara, The Naked Director

Raised by a mother who projected all her fears onto the young Megumi, she struggled with the confounds placed on a woman, especially in Japanese society. The financial freedom seemed to have allowed her to cut some of those ties that bound her. However, I have found that the financial freedom also becomes its own bindings in a society that still believes in masculine vs. feminine roles and attributes (man in the mirror and the unboxing). I sometimes catch myself being ashamed of my success and wealth, for its limitations on how others judge or perceive me.

A recent spontaneous opportunity had me exploring full circle (part 9) in its full regalia, with the complexity of the layers from man in the mirror. Of course, I initially welcomed it believing that it was a simple lesson in receiving and a delayed annual birthday trip since full circle (part 6), totally forgetting touchpoint as a recurring theme. The adventure left me with a lot to unpack, ensuring that I was bedridden to allow me to prioritize self-care and reflection.

While it allowed my parents to exhibit their love (standing taller), the first break in my bones taught me that constantly repairing what is in front of us may oftentimes be the longer journey than getting rid of the old and what we know, and embracing the new and being comfortable with the uncomfortable. This wasn't a lesson of receiving but a reminder of an old manifestation that in a decades-long rebellious streak left me venturing on a different path (22), seeking the unconventional without staying true to what kept me alive when I had wanted to disappear (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123) and full circle (part 8)).

We shared stories, had intellectual (and at times, spiritual) conversations (something I find I have deeply missed during my time in the Bay, yet ironically, he's from the Bay), laughed, and were vulnerable with acceptance, and in a simple gesture to strangers at the beach (another flashback to a wish from a prayer - bubble of bliss), what I thought would be a simple lesson in receiving had me looking up at a tall mountain that stood before me as the next adventure to conquer and relish in. I felt a bit of excitement (as I had been itching for the next chapter in my life that I had thought would lead me to Eastern cultures), coupled with some apprehension with the simple synchronicities that sometimes seemed too aligned to be true. 

Perchance, the next chapter is closer to the heart rather than far-off shores. As I am understanding that each of my relationships is a mirroring of a part of me for me to learn more about myself (rippling reflections), the reflection that I saw in that simple gesture to strangers caused me to catch my breath at whom I was seeing from within, followed by a gentle smile and burst of nothing other than what can be described as unadulterated love, in its simplicity and pureness. It has dawned on me in writing this that similar to my surprise at my love languages (modern love and full circle (part 9)), what I have tried so hard to overcome to survive from a 'lack of' turns out to be what my soul needs the most to flourish (11:11 (part 10)).

Thoughts of the raven/masculine energy that has been my source of self-protection (bubble of bliss and leap of faith) has me thinking that perhaps my pendulum has swung too far in the quest for freedom and liberation that I forwent the teachings of Taoism and balance. Alfred Adler's concept of organ inferiority focuses on how the body adapts and compensates for physical deficiencies, at times causing our other senses to strengthen. In a relatively short time, my left leg and arms have had to flex its muscles, and my head has been dealt a few bumps (more like a bruised ego in my stubborn insistence in maneuvering this setback alone). Adler notes though that the compensation can be taken to extremes, resulting in overcompensation, more so based on one's psyche rather than the body's adaptive system.

When discussing shibaru and the intricacy of my orgasms, it seemed natural for me to understand that the bindings and the grounding are what brings me back into a cocoon of safety and nurturing. As Megumi highlighted, having someone hold onto us tightly empowers us to drop the walls that held us up so that we can relax into ourselves, as she visibly let her body find comfort in Toru Muranishi's embrace. In her giving in, his entire being shifted and his nurturing side took over, where she relaxed into being taken care of and his ministrations.

Of course, my podiatrist said that it was a complicated fracture that can be fixed with a simple procedure. I have learned part of the lesson in its physical form but the next chapter seems anything but simple albeit rather rewarding and intoxicating. In what seemed like an obscure reference at first, Megumi and Toru appear to be creating their own "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" paths when they chanced upon each other. 

As is the case with soulmates, perhaps their/our paths will continue to cross, melding at times, but full of adrenaline rushes nonetheless. In a combination of old and new manifestations, it is interesting that I noted my attraction to Mars in Scorpio (or Aquarius) in face of the girl (part 1). As with the three of swords, I am reminded that I am where I need to be, and with the fracture in the fifth metatarsal, I am having to learn patience in the healing required, hopefully coming out as the bionic woman (or at least foot) on the other side, and reconnecting or rather re-defining my 'style of life', as Adler dubs it. 

self-care is self-love

I have found myself keeping busy during this unusual time with a lot of learning, that serendipitously spills into focusing on many things I have neglected for long stretches of time my whole life. It started with identifying two areas of focus in my Women's Health class that I wanted to focus and track my progress during the semester: skincare and meditation. The reminder of journaling my progress as a report card of myself had me establish a routine, something I have not prioritized in my life.

The focus on skincare with the overlap of my Genetics class had me researching cell repair, which led me to micronutrients and supplements as well as quality sleep. This, in turn, led me to separating my sleep environment from everyday life, something so easy to disregard during this period of social distancing. I have experimented with other practices, like shutting out natural sun, steam milk with essential amino acids, 7-minute HIIT/yoga and playing with the "kitty," as factors to improve sleep quality. Meditation led me to additional courses on Buddhism and the science behind well-being practices such as savoring, gratitude, kindness, and quality sleep.

During one of my meditation practices, the focus was to feel our bodies and the sensations and/or messages from thoughts that enter our minds. I do not remember what the guide said to trigger the thought of him, but I do remember the reaction of my body with the sensations centralized from my heart chakra and expanding. It felt a lot like the release from the sound healing meditation (sound bath), as tears just flowed down my face. He has been present for a few of my meditation practices, of late.

For the denouement of my Science of Well-being class, I had chosen sleep quality to be more mindful and journal about. Using a Sleep Cycle, an application, to track the factors leading up to that night as well as calculating my quality sleep made it easy to document any observations or patterns. However, in the last few days, I have realized that it misses the quality of my dreams. A couple of nights ago, I had the unusual experience of waking up a few times after some vivid dreams. He was in each one and each dream was different, not picking up where it left off. The only obvious overlapping theme was that he was in them and our lives seemed to be enmeshed, his knowing my friends from this lifetime and my knowing his friends whom I have never met in this lifetime. Perhaps they were memories from other lifetimes with similar soul mates with soul contracts in our lives. 

I finally forced myself to get out of bed, thinking that I had a restless night with all the sleep interruptions; only to be surprised to find that my quality sleep registered at 88%, possibly the second highest I have seen in the few times I have used the app (a few spotty times 3-4 years ago and a few times recently for this assignment). Perhaps from the stress in prior years and the irregular sleep schedule recently, my sleep quality seems to hover between 35%-75%. That night, I had registered 6 REM cycles, and at the time, I could recount the flashes of dreams for each of those cycles. I was grateful though for the gift.

This morning I woke up to similar sensations as that of the sound healing meditation and the recent meditation practice of feeling the body's reaction. For a fleeting moment I was torn whether to turn over and try to go back to sleep, and decided that the feeling was a great way to start the day especially since I did not feel tired, only to find that it was 6:59AM at 34% sleep quality and only 3 sleep cycles in less than 3 hours. Human apps have not figured out how to track the quality of non-3D experiences. Perhaps one day.

The visuals, and the knowing, of watching my "special" child with her courage and bravery, commingled with frivolity, feeling the support and love of who I am, and all those lives we have touched, with him watching me as I watched the child we have created and nurtured...

...so this is what true happiness feels like.

small packages

Although it was the smallest of the festivals that I have attended, it was definitely the most magical. Everywhere I looked, there were people I consider my tribe. We started with an opening ceremony and ended with a closing ceremony, setting our intentions and expanding our collective hearts.

After months of lows culminating in a walk in the darkness of the city, coming full circle to code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123), a place I had thought I would never find myself again, I found myself struggling with the knowledge of multiple past lives with a particular soul and our purpose in this life. After many attempts at 'clean slates,' it seemed as if we had hit an impasse. Perhaps it was the energy or the love and support from our extended 'family members' or a culmination of so many 'wants' that he found himself able to 'observe' rather than 'act' (Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself - How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Joe Dispenza).

I found myself connecting with people I had not connected with before although we were always in each other's orbits. Sometimes it amazes me when and who a person shares his/her vulnerable parts. While I still do not have an answer to my question, I was blessed with the magic of healing where my stories and struggles may have had an impact in others finding their answers. Then again, perhaps I did get my answer and have to be patient and appreciate the clouds before the wind blows it to show the clear blue skies.

leap of faith

I have recently discovered the science behind Law of Attraction in the field of quantum physics. Some of the experiments are enough to blow one's mind, literally and figuratively. It has been an amazing journey to discover plant medicine, energy/vibrations and the Laws of the Universe.

I have been interested in hypnosis since college when someone suggested that it may be something to consider to regain significant memory lapses in my life (safe haven). Quantum hypnosis healing technique (QHHT) is an amalgamation of these concepts, and seemed like a sign from the universe and my Higher Self. Seeing that one of the books that started the practitioner's spiritual awakening was a shared experience for me (to err is human, to forgive, divine) added to the synchronicity.

While I had reservations that I was hypnotizable, I consciously decided to 'let go' of the anxiety and/or any expectations of the session. My partner's decision not to share his experience further heightened my nerves yet it was an exercise in respecting his decisions and boundaries, a lesson for me to continue to practice. It was interesting to relay my life in less than two hours and to reflect on my life journey to date, including the gratitude for even the lowest of lows, reflecting on my growth and changes in perspective from the then and now.

The practitioner had noted that with the upgrade in the collective DNA, more people are able to remember their sessions than fifty years ago when QHHT was first created. While there were moments where I doubted that I was completely under, she had signs that I was. I was surprised by the flood of tears that flowed when my Higher Self responded to the therapist's question on how I was doing in this life, as well as the words coming out of my mouth as my Higher Self answered her questions. Only later did I realize that the purple vapor that I saw swirling upwards, when channeling my Higher Self, represented the Crown Chakra, where the union with Higher Self, spirituality and higher consciousness reside.

While my partner may have initially been disappointed with his QHHT session, I believe it was exactly what he needed at the time, focusing on the doubts and blockages from his ego as well as the continuous overlapping themes of gold and yellow throughout his session, focusing on the solar plexus chakra, which also came up during his body scan. Prior to his session, the citrine quartz, which he had in a sacred necklace that he had since a sound meditation session where he was connected to his paternal lines, had disappeared from his necklace. Citrine also represents the solar plexus chakra. Gems and crystals (also known as Stone People in certain tribal cultures and spiritual teachings) have a way of coming in and going out of one's life when its energy and vibrations are needed ~ a demonstration of quantum physics.

The Crystal Movement also helps us share the energy and vibrations to help heal the collective conscious. The QHHT sessions is recorded, and it contains the vibrations from my Higher Self. Each time we replay the session, it is an opportunity to get the vibrational download from a higher source. I feel enlightened by my session and look forward to the doors that this has opened in my conscious and subconscious worlds.

* * * * *

Update March 31, 2019:

I recently played my session during a time where I was looking for guidance. I fell asleep to it, hoping my subconscious would absorb the energy and vibrations. I woke up with a refreshed state of being, and a new perspective on a situation that was plaguing me.

violet goddess

In a moment of firsts, I was looking forward to spending Christmas with the eyes of a child with rainbow kaleidoscope glasses, watching the radiant sun, cottony clouds, bluest sky, undulating waves and briskly palm trees turn into the glowing moon, twinkling stars and roaring tides as we walked the shores of Cabo San Lucas. When we saw the notice that the luggage had been searched and the bare vial, our hearts dropped. In an attempt to salvage my wish, he diluted the vial with water for me to empty the contents.

Within minutes, my body was taken through whorls of vibrant purples, magentas and fuchsias of fractals and mandalas by a dark-headed goddess. Those who witnessed my short journey in blast off likened my undulations to be an extended stay of a similar journey. Not understanding where it was taking me, I just wanted it to stop as I was spent.

By today, we realized that what appeared to be barren had only had the alcoholic medium evaporate, and my second experience with the medicine was enough for three. While the goddess guided me through visuals that my eyes and mind had never seen, my muscle-fatigued body was ready to get off her tour, not quite understanding her message.

blast off

The 'God molecule' can be found in numerous plant species and at least one toad species. Trace amounts have also been produced endogenously in humans, perhaps in the pineal and retina. From my recent experience with psychedelics (sweet as sugar), I had some reservations as to the effects on me, especially as the shaman had noted that it is a very individual experience. However, as I interacted with many who came out of the ceremonies over the last couple of days, the one common denominator was the 'positive' vibes and 'no regrets' emanating from everyone.

My goal was to count to 20, but at two, it was as if I was at full throttle, going at light speed through the universe. The moans seemed distant and from pain or release. Yet, I did not feel any negativity. Was it orgasmic or torment? I felt a whisper in my left ear that I could not make out. Eventually the moans stopped, and waves and vibrations took over my body. While I was present in the room, with the music and conversations, my body was paralyzed, other than the constant vibrations radiating throughout.

I had no memories of the universe, God, love, goddess, etc. that others recollected. However, I was told that I laid back, arms spread out, still and with a smile on my face as if I was in bliss. The moans did not come from me, but from the other person sharing space with my experience, and somehow I shared in his journey. While I was not oozing with some ethereal glow from my journey, I also was not disappointed but rather left wondering what the message was for me.

* * * * *

Update December 24, 2019:

It was him who whispered in my left ear with the message of 'I love you', or so he says...

* * * * *

Update February 9, 2019:

Hoping to vary my experiences, so that I would not channel others experience, I tried a solo journey. The medicine was same-same but different, and I had time to lay down gently before traveling at warp speed. While still not having any conscious memories, I maintained the position of bliss. The journey back ventured into waves and vibrations, feeling as if the violet goddess was back as my tour guide. The music made the vibrations ever so potent, resulting in more muscle fatigue.

sweet as sugar

The miracle berry (synsepalum dulcificum) grows in Africa and contains a glycoprotein molecule called miraculin, which binds to the taste buds, resulting in sour things to taste sweet. Ironically, the berry is low in sugar content. For the winter solstice, it seemed fitting to throw a 'flavor tripping' party for a friend's birthday party, introducing the miracle berry to discerning taste buds.

My first experience with psychedelics (11:11 (part 11)) was a growth experience for me. Although the night was meant to be a 'flavor-tripping' shindig, I found myself having my own 'miracle tripping' with highs of some of the most stimulating visuals of sacred geometry and vivid colors to lows of hibernating in a fetal position. It was a long night, unfolding myself from the womb to realizations of my experiences mirroring my internal dilemma. What was initially my frustration with my inability to help others who do not want to help themselves was a reflection of my frustration with my inability to help my Self.

That night, it occurred to me that every experience and person that I manifest in my life is a mirror to my soul. It was a difficult lesson to grasp, even more so to put into practice in every moment. Yet when two new friends came in to check in on me, I was so touched by their grace, thoughtfulness and kindness, knowing that I had manifested them to help unfold me petal by petal to bloom in the security and confidence I needed to get me out of my shell.

I missed the entire flavor-tripping portion of the night but as dawn creeped upon me, an experience that started sour began to taste a lot sweeter as my plant medicine wore off, leaving me with the dew of the lesson unfolding before me.

a frog's kiss

The waxy giant leaf or monkey frog (Phyllomedusa bicolor) is a bright green tree frog, native to the Amazon basin, whose waxy secretion has been used for its powerful emetic or purgative effects. Kambo, named after the shaman Kampu who learned about the medicine from a forest spirit to heal his tribe, has been used to eliminate toxin, increase strength and stamina, or dispersing negative energy. Thought to emit a light green glow to attract prey, it is also used to aid in hunting to reduce need for sustenance and minimize the human scent.

While the frogs are not great at hopping, they have adapted to their environment, such as climbing trees and producing the secretion which protects them from drastic temperature changes and predators. They are listed on the Least Concern on the International Union for Conservation of Nature's (IUCN) Red List. The secretion is 40 times more potent than morphine or microbicides and peptides that could help prevent HIV transmission, as well as inhibit cancer cell growth. It is also known to treat chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, herpes, Parkinson's disease, Alzheimer's, depression, hepatitis, diabetes, menopause and a host of other ailments.

As with any 'healing medicine', the results vary by person and usually provides what the person needs at that moment. Preparation required fasting all day and intake of lots of water. I was not prepared for the copious amounts of water, which resulted in my body having the shakes. The medicine is applied onto gates upon the skin, created with a hot stick which causes the top layer of the skin to blister.

As the medicine moved throughout my body, it controlled my shakes while causing my body to intensely purge. The experience was very uncomfortable, practically hugging a bucket as there was no warning for the bile and toxins seeking refuge. The denouement were drops of the intense sting of sananga to the eyes. As part of the ceremony, we returned our collective refuse to Pachamama underneath a cherry tree.

It is recommended to do kambo at least three times during a lunar cycle for the optimal results in removing toxins. However, after one session, for some, they were able to let go of some pent-up trauma. For me, it provided clarity and perspective for something that was plaguing me that day. For those in the ceremony, it was a shared experience that further connected each of us to each other and the universe. For a family that pukes together will always be connected with the dots, sealed with Dragon's Blood, signifying our badge of courage.

* * * * *

Update February 19, 2019:

Perhaps due to the bountiful rain that has finally ended the 7-year drought, the cherry tree is in full bloom, after looking as if it had been on its last legs in the last few years. However, I am sure that the offerings we provided to the Mother were returned in the blessings of the beautiful blossoms on the cherry tree.