in the NOW

saudade (part 5) had me wondering what 2023 had in store for me. So much of the saudade series had me reflecting on the past and the paths I had taken, much of it wrapped around an honorable mention from the first post (boot scoot'n and takin' flight...) and though I had felt that we would always have some connection (11:11 (part 9)), 2022 gently guided me towards some 'truths' that had stunted my view of the infinite possibilities (weightless). In quantum physics, scientists are learning that time is a mere illusion, a human construct for us to differentiate our memories, rather than a four-dimensional structure (block universe) with every experience with its own coordinates in space-time, allowing everything to be present now.

Lesson 80 in ACIM notes that all solutions are placed with the corresponding problem, and our perspective of a 'problem' is due to our misuse of time. Yet, it wasn't until lesson 91 about miracles only being seen in the light that I was able to understand the shift in perspective that Marianne Williamson contextualized (saudade (part 4)). What seemed like a lifelong 'problem' (ftale), something that supposedly kept hope alive with a promise from a Sunday School teacher that God wouldn't let us die without answering some life-long prayer, has ironically kept me in the darkness with a 'ball and chain', causing me to make decisions that were not always kind to me.

It wasn't until today, fitting message celebrating Jesus' birth, that I realized that in letting go of the concept of  'romantic ideals' and truly incorporating the philosophy of relationship anarchy, the angst of the past of  'lovelessness' and the future of 'hope' no longer seemed to matter. Rather than searching for unconditional love, triggering taught me that I only had control over me and my ability to give unconditional love but that future of  'hope' resulted in my staying in situations when they were no longer serving me.

As Ward highlights, "when people choose love, they always choose right". Although cliché, he reminds me that the most important relationship is one with 'me' which I have neglected at times, 'sacrificing' for what I thought was how 'unconditional love' should work. Leaving the shackles behind, I was surprised by the journey I was about to embark on, or rather, how quickly it presented itself...of course, only because of the illusion of time. With the intention of ending cycles, I have discovered a number of 'firsts'. The Sun -- Bella (saudade (part 1)) ... the lighthouse -- my magical friend (saudade (part 4)) ... the disco ball -- BDC (saudade (part 5)) ...

For the relationship anarchist, relationships are fluid without the confines of 'romanticism'. With the light shining from my Sun, lighthouse and disco ball, I now see the solution that came with my perceived 'problem'. Love is all around me, something I can give and receive with no conditions, and no matter what coordinate I choose to jump to, for the first time, I am having a really fun time being present in the NOW.

self-care is self-love

I have found myself keeping busy during this unusual time with a lot of learning, that serendipitously spills into focusing on many things I have neglected for long stretches of time my whole life. It started with identifying two areas of focus in my Women's Health class that I wanted to focus and track my progress during the semester: skincare and meditation. The reminder of journaling my progress as a report card of myself had me establish a routine, something I have not prioritized in my life.

The focus on skincare with the overlap of my Genetics class had me researching cell repair, which led me to micronutrients and supplements as well as quality sleep. This, in turn, led me to separating my sleep environment from everyday life, something so easy to disregard during this period of social distancing. I have experimented with other practices, like shutting out natural sun, steam milk with essential amino acids, 7-minute HIIT/yoga and playing with the "kitty," as factors to improve sleep quality. Meditation led me to additional courses on Buddhism and the science behind well-being practices such as savoring, gratitude, kindness, and quality sleep.

During one of my meditation practices, the focus was to feel our bodies and the sensations and/or messages from thoughts that enter our minds. I do not remember what the guide said to trigger the thought of him, but I do remember the reaction of my body with the sensations centralized from my heart chakra and expanding. It felt a lot like the release from the sound healing meditation (sound bath), as tears just flowed down my face. He has been present for a few of my meditation practices, of late.

For the denouement of my Science of Well-being class, I had chosen sleep quality to be more mindful and journal about. Using a Sleep Cycle, an application, to track the factors leading up to that night as well as calculating my quality sleep made it easy to document any observations or patterns. However, in the last few days, I have realized that it misses the quality of my dreams. A couple of nights ago, I had the unusual experience of waking up a few times after some vivid dreams. He was in each one and each dream was different, not picking up where it left off. The only obvious overlapping theme was that he was in them and our lives seemed to be enmeshed, his knowing my friends from this lifetime and my knowing his friends whom I have never met in this lifetime. Perhaps they were memories from other lifetimes with similar soul mates with soul contracts in our lives. 

I finally forced myself to get out of bed, thinking that I had a restless night with all the sleep interruptions; only to be surprised to find that my quality sleep registered at 88%, possibly the second highest I have seen in the few times I have used the app (a few spotty times 3-4 years ago and a few times recently for this assignment). Perhaps from the stress in prior years and the irregular sleep schedule recently, my sleep quality seems to hover between 35%-75%. That night, I had registered 6 REM cycles, and at the time, I could recount the flashes of dreams for each of those cycles. I was grateful though for the gift.

This morning I woke up to similar sensations as that of the sound healing meditation and the recent meditation practice of feeling the body's reaction. For a fleeting moment I was torn whether to turn over and try to go back to sleep, and decided that the feeling was a great way to start the day especially since I did not feel tired, only to find that it was 6:59AM at 34% sleep quality and only 3 sleep cycles in less than 3 hours. Human apps have not figured out how to track the quality of non-3D experiences. Perhaps one day.

The visuals, and the knowing, of watching my "special" child with her courage and bravery, commingled with frivolity, feeling the support and love of who I am, and all those lives we have touched, with him watching me as I watched the child we have created and nurtured...

...so this is what true happiness feels like.

thunder n lightning

Since setting the intention to building my tribe (pig in mud (part 5)) last summer, I have let the universe guide me in the experiences I have had and the people who I have manifested to be part of it, from healing ceremonies (blast off and a frog's kiss) to celebrations of love (sound healing and cupid's arrow). While it has not been all rainbows and unicorns, it has had been packed with personal growth, some of the most challenging in my attempt to learn unconditional love.

With Burning Man as the planned denouement, festival season started with Serenity. For a brief moment, it looked like I may not experience my first music festival but throwing caution to the wind and letting the universe guide me, the weekend ended up being a reminder that having expectations, no matter how well intended, sometimes leads to a roadblock and disappointment. Yet, it turned out to be in one aspect an opportunity to establish a sense of community that I had needed to open me up to creating my own festival wings to fly into Lightning in a Bottle (LIB).

I have been told that like Burning Man, experiences and lessons are exaggerated at music festivals. Perhaps it is the high vibrations and frequencies congregated in one place that causes the magic and synchronicities to occur. An overnight rainstorm resulted in floods, mud and soaked gear and facilities, but it did little to dampen the energy and festivities.

Being part of a vendor booth afforded me the benefits that most participants do not have access (e.g., camping location, showers, etc.). Most of us were strangers to each other but by the end of the week, we became a family of green and rainbow dragons. Some of the lessons I learned at Serenity and LIB are:

• Learn to let go of material things and people. If it comes back, cherish it, but do not fret if it does not.
• Do not be afraid to be one's true authentic self, even if it means being a 'lone wolf'. One will meet a new tribe and/or run into friendly faces with opportunities to reconnect on a deeper level.
• Listen to the voice within and trust one's intuition, especially when it guides one to connect with someone or to go somewhere.
• Be patient with one's body and mind. Sometimes setbacks happen in life...accept the cards that are dealt and practice self care.
• Be present. Try new things and experiences. See the beauty in the NOW.

Skinny dipping in the reservoir, laying next to the speaker staring at the stars with the sound and vibrations of flowing through my body, seeing the vibrant lights and kaleidoscope of colors throughout the festivities, admiring the uniqueness and self expressions in everyone's costumes and sharing in the love and community are memories that I will always cherish.

phoenix rising

San Francisco is known for its tech startups, high cost of living and aggressive homeless population. In its underbelly is a whole group of vandwellers. With the street sweepers and alternate street parking, San Francisco vandwellers naturally migrate towards areas that can house the larger vehicles, provide adequate sunlight for solar panels and does not require constant movement of their 'homes'. Given the lack of areas that would support these criteria, vandwellers have created their own community  and family that support each other. 

Konstantin was vandwelling when a man in a SUV stopped by him asking if he would be interested in either or both pups that the man was going to put down as neither one of them were good for fighting. Phoenix, despite his early puphood of being bred to be a fight dog, has one of the gentlest dispositions. His animal control documents in 2017 notes him as a bull mastiff mix.

His master, on the other hand, is not always law-abiding and can be a bit temperamental in certain situations. However, Konstantin has his own guiding principles and morals that he lives by, including not putting animals on a leash and not neutering them. Those who live or work in the neighborhood are familiar with this freedom-fighting duo. The mailwoman has an agreement with Konstantin that he would put Phoenix in his RV when she's on duty in the neighborhood. He has received citations for no leash in the past, and when he outright breaks laws, Konstantin fully chooses to do so with the knowledge of the cost of the consequences and pays them willingly.

San Francisco Animal Care & Control (SFACC) is based in the same neighborhood. Although they frequently cross paths, including citing the duo, in a moment of irony, the director of SFACC flagged down one of its officers to not only cite the duo but also to take Phoenix in to get neutered. San Francisco, like many cities, have passed laws to spay and neuter pit bulls or similar animals. Although this law was passed in 2006, the government has not developed a more precise way of genetically testing and/or developing clear standards on what is considered a pitbull-like animal. Instead they utilize a subjective 8-point checklist to categorize pitbulls, with a five out of eight benchmark to meet the classification. Genetic testing, even if one were to pay for it, would not suffice as there is no barometer of percentage as a gauge. Despite prior citations over the years, none of the representatives at SFACC had ever mentioned that Phoenix was at risk of not being in compliance of the 2006 law.

Rallying the community, there were not enough seats in the conference room of City Hall to fit all those who took time out of their day to show up to support Konstantin and Phoenix, with more than half having to stay out in the hall, anxiously listening through the glass door to give updates. SFACC had a veterinarian in tow. Although none of us were dog experts, we all showed up with the compassion and love for Phoenix and his plight. Some of  us dressed up for the occasion, dusting off cobwebs and donning on suits from the back of closets, to counter any profiling and natural bias of vandwellers. When the court delegate said she had made her decision, some of us did not realize that we had held our breaths until we all instantaneously released heavy sighs and tears upon her saying the words 'NOT a pitbull...'.

The vaccinations and microchip that SFACC injected into Phoenix seemed like a minor exchange for keeping his balls in tact. We headed back to Phoenix's home to celebrate with champagne. Of course, although Phoenix seemed 'cool and collected' despite his ordeal, only his numerous pitstops to urinate and defecate belied his anguish over the last 24 hours. It was a great outcome for my first animal rights activism although my feet were killing me after not walking in stilettos for over a year.

three of swords

Tarot cards origination started in mid 15th century as another type of recreational playing cards. Sometime in the 18th century, tarot cards took on an air of mysticism and were used for divination and occult practices. Since expanding my understanding of spirituality and New Age concepts, like astrology and numerology (trifecta), I have crossed paths with the tarot world and its magic. I used to think that a good tarot reading is primarily based on the expertise of the practitioner, yet my recent experience and understanding of energy and spirit guides including my Higher Self has taught me that the reading is personal to what resonates and based on the energy and intentions one puts into the reading. Some believe that one's first tarot deck should be gifted yet others believe that since the energy and connection to a deck is personal to an individual, the person should pick a deck that 'feels right'.

A friend hosted a Gift Practice party, whereby people could give and receive various fields or techniques that one was learning, such as yoga, Sat Nam Rasayan healing, tarot/natal chart reading, reiki, deep listening, ayurveda, zero-waste inspirations, meditation and heart-centered hugs. Although I had a specific question given the deeply personal challenges that were occupying much of my energy of late, I opted for a general reading, which turned out to be specific to my question.

While she has been gifted other decks, her preference is the Gilded Tarot, which has rich, bold colors designed by Ciro Marchetti. The simple five-card spread starts with the foundation card, which defines the reason or the topic for the reading. The middle one though identifies how the person truly feels about the topic, whether hopes or fears. The right and left ones highlight the helpful and challenging energies, respectively, while the top is the outcome or advice card.

The last month has had a lot of ups and downs, more of the latter than the former. My present and outcome were shrouded in mystery with the Moon and High Priestess. The Moon notes that not everything is as it seems and to not make hasty decisions, especially in light of my current thoughts of a broken heart, signified by the Three of Swords. With the combination of the High Priestess, I am to trust in and follow my intuition and be patient as events unfold, usually to my benefit. The Ace of Cups reminds me of my intention of experiencing unconditional love, and in the current situation, possible new beginnings based on unconditional love with emotional happiness. With the Queen of Swords in reverse though, my challenge is being caught up with the emotions from a hurt heart and wounded ego rather than approaching the situation more objectively and from a place of love.

With other readings for others and shuffles in between, his generic reading had more than a touch of synchronicity. Three of Swords is how we are both viewing and experiencing the  situation. In having to address some dark demons and childhood traumas, he is experiencing change and from a Knight of Wands that jumps into situations without much thought. He has struggled with not feeling grounded, having scattered thoughts and acting impetuously throughout his life. This has led him to the Five of Swords. In the helpful position, the unethical and sneaky nature resulted in an intervention, a mirror for him to see his deceptions that has caused hurt and trauma to those in his path. With the World as his 'challenge', the hard work will pay off, with no shortcuts to be had. While he has been impatient with his 'progress', his Spirit Guides gave him a sign that with patience and hard work, he will emerge victorious as the grounded and stable King of Pentacles.

The messages were congruent with our individual QHHT as well, with mine reminding me about my intuition and heart chakra of unconditional love and his reminding him that his ego and blocked solar plexus chakra will continue to block him from answers and his life purpose until he goes deep and does the hard work. Being tuned into the energy and magic of the universe, sometimes the signs are right in front of us to remind us that we are where we are supposed to be at the exact point in time.

leap of faith

I have recently discovered the science behind Law of Attraction in the field of quantum physics. Some of the experiments are enough to blow one's mind, literally and figuratively. It has been an amazing journey to discover plant medicine, energy/vibrations and the Laws of the Universe.

I have been interested in hypnosis since college when someone suggested that it may be something to consider to regain significant memory lapses in my life (safe haven). Quantum hypnosis healing technique (QHHT) is an amalgamation of these concepts, and seemed like a sign from the universe and my Higher Self. Seeing that one of the books that started the practitioner's spiritual awakening was a shared experience for me (to err is human, to forgive, divine) added to the synchronicity.

While I had reservations that I was hypnotizable, I consciously decided to 'let go' of the anxiety and/or any expectations of the session. My partner's decision not to share his experience further heightened my nerves yet it was an exercise in respecting his decisions and boundaries, a lesson for me to continue to practice. It was interesting to relay my life in less than two hours and to reflect on my life journey to date, including the gratitude for even the lowest of lows, reflecting on my growth and changes in perspective from the then and now.

The practitioner had noted that with the upgrade in the collective DNA, more people are able to remember their sessions than fifty years ago when QHHT was first created. While there were moments where I doubted that I was completely under, she had signs that I was. I was surprised by the flood of tears that flowed when my Higher Self responded to the therapist's question on how I was doing in this life, as well as the words coming out of my mouth as my Higher Self answered her questions. Only later did I realize that the purple vapor that I saw swirling upwards, when channeling my Higher Self, represented the Crown Chakra, where the union with Higher Self, spirituality and higher consciousness reside.

While my partner may have initially been disappointed with his QHHT session, I believe it was exactly what he needed at the time, focusing on the doubts and blockages from his ego as well as the continuous overlapping themes of gold and yellow throughout his session, focusing on the solar plexus chakra, which also came up during his body scan. Prior to his session, the citrine quartz, which he had in a sacred necklace that he had since a sound meditation session where he was connected to his paternal lines, had disappeared from his necklace. Citrine also represents the solar plexus chakra. Gems and crystals (also known as Stone People in certain tribal cultures and spiritual teachings) have a way of coming in and going out of one's life when its energy and vibrations are needed ~ a demonstration of quantum physics.

The Crystal Movement also helps us share the energy and vibrations to help heal the collective conscious. The QHHT sessions is recorded, and it contains the vibrations from my Higher Self. Each time we replay the session, it is an opportunity to get the vibrational download from a higher source. I feel enlightened by my session and look forward to the doors that this has opened in my conscious and subconscious worlds.

* * * * *

Update March 31, 2019:

I recently played my session during a time where I was looking for guidance. I fell asleep to it, hoping my subconscious would absorb the energy and vibrations. I woke up with a refreshed state of being, and a new perspective on a situation that was plaguing me.

cupid's arrow

When my house did not sell in 2018, I took it as a sign that my journey was not complete in San Francisco. While I had never felt like San Francisco nor my house felt like home (living love), I soon realized that my house was not selling at the price that I had wanted because I did not put the energy nor love into valuing it for the home that it could provide for me or for others, which served as the impetus for me to open it up to acts of love and creativity, such as sound healing and a frog's kiss.

While I saw that some new friends were looking for a venue for their wedding given the typical San Francisco weather, I had initially thought of offering my house but figured it was both too small and that I was a bit of an 'outsider' to act on my intuition. When the bride-to-be contacted me, it was a bit of a no-brainer althoughI had no idea what I was committing too, especially after it occurred to me that the guest list was significantly larger than what the house could comfortably hold.

While they have met a few times over the year, their love blossomed on New Year's and has been magical moments for a wizard and his goddess. While I found myself stressing over wanting to make sure that the wedding was a memorable experience for the bride and groom, my partner reminded me that providing the venue was the only gift the couple needed from me. Their friends rallied in order to provide homemade vegan cheesecake, the Temple of Fluff, license to officiate the wedding, and all the love and light to make the moment one to remember in a lifetime. I am blessed to have their love infused into the bones of an old Victorian that has the vibrations of the sound healing of Carlos Santana.

a frog's kiss

The waxy giant leaf or monkey frog (Phyllomedusa bicolor) is a bright green tree frog, native to the Amazon basin, whose waxy secretion has been used for its powerful emetic or purgative effects. Kambo, named after the shaman Kampu who learned about the medicine from a forest spirit to heal his tribe, has been used to eliminate toxin, increase strength and stamina, or dispersing negative energy. Thought to emit a light green glow to attract prey, it is also used to aid in hunting to reduce need for sustenance and minimize the human scent.

While the frogs are not great at hopping, they have adapted to their environment, such as climbing trees and producing the secretion which protects them from drastic temperature changes and predators. They are listed on the Least Concern on the International Union for Conservation of Nature's (IUCN) Red List. The secretion is 40 times more potent than morphine or microbicides and peptides that could help prevent HIV transmission, as well as inhibit cancer cell growth. It is also known to treat chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, herpes, Parkinson's disease, Alzheimer's, depression, hepatitis, diabetes, menopause and a host of other ailments.

As with any 'healing medicine', the results vary by person and usually provides what the person needs at that moment. Preparation required fasting all day and intake of lots of water. I was not prepared for the copious amounts of water, which resulted in my body having the shakes. The medicine is applied onto gates upon the skin, created with a hot stick which causes the top layer of the skin to blister.

As the medicine moved throughout my body, it controlled my shakes while causing my body to intensely purge. The experience was very uncomfortable, practically hugging a bucket as there was no warning for the bile and toxins seeking refuge. The denouement were drops of the intense sting of sananga to the eyes. As part of the ceremony, we returned our collective refuse to Pachamama underneath a cherry tree.

It is recommended to do kambo at least three times during a lunar cycle for the optimal results in removing toxins. However, after one session, for some, they were able to let go of some pent-up trauma. For me, it provided clarity and perspective for something that was plaguing me that day. For those in the ceremony, it was a shared experience that further connected each of us to each other and the universe. For a family that pukes together will always be connected with the dots, sealed with Dragon's Blood, signifying our badge of courage.

* * * * *

Update February 19, 2019:

Perhaps due to the bountiful rain that has finally ended the 7-year drought, the cherry tree is in full bloom, after looking as if it had been on its last legs in the last few years. However, I am sure that the offerings we provided to the Mother were returned in the blessings of the beautiful blossoms on the cherry tree.

reclaiming the cunt (part 9)

"Powerful men do not harass. Powerful men seduce. It's insecure men who harass and assault, who use their power to extract sex. Let's not mix the metaphors." 

~ Esther Perel

With the country being torn apart, a woman, who felt as if she needed to do her civic duty, has inspired many to speak about their own personal experiences of harassment, assault and rape for  the first time to loved ones. #BelieveSurvivors and other renditions of the hashtag has been added to the #MeToo movement. While it would seem as if we have lost this battle, the war is not over, and hopefully parents will raise their sons to understand 'enthusiastic consent'.

Since missing in action, the concept of the 'bad boy' or the rebel, for me, seems to be a 'mix of the metaphors' for many. Lack of self-confidence is a deal breaker for me. Someone asked me earlier this year if I date a lot of 'assholes' when I state that. Many confuse 'cocky' for confidence, and like 'powerful', the negative connotation comes from insecurities. The age-old myth that women are attracted to 'married or taken men' (who tend to not come off too strongly as they have someone to 'come home to') or to 'assholes' stems from their inability to distinguish 'confidence' as self-confidence vs. cocky.

Like truly powerful men who seduce, confident men also do not feel the need to brag or prove themselves as they are comfortable in their own skins and in their authenticity, know that they would only want to be with people who value them for who they are. With the rise and unification of our voices (emptying my coffers and pussy riots), fortunately women are joined by the deep baritone to tenor pitches of these confident and powerful men. A few of them (full circle (part 9) and pig in mud (part 5)) have blessed me by being part of my tribe.

thelma & louise (part 2)

The matriarch (Luci) of my host family in Meolo is one of eight, of which three are women. Gina, who is the oldest, has two children, whom seem to overpower their spouses. While attending a birthday party for Gina's husband and her son-in-law, her children were energy suckers, overtaking others in their braggadocios, while their spouses mostly remained silent. During the dinner, Gina oftentimes would comment on how the meat or dishes were dry or cold because of our tardiness in arrival.

Luci (middle) and Paola (youngest) are unlike the traditional and passive-aggressive Gina. Even with a relative stranger (me) in their midst, both were unabashed as they spent quality time together sunbathing in their underwear. Both had no qualms as their family members would touch their breasts and jokingly comment about sex and other perceived taboo topics.

As her youngest son noted, what you see is what you get with Luci. She is brazenly honest but has a good heart. She had a few miscarriages before her firstborn, and while a part of her always wanted a daughter, she has opened her heart to her daughter-in-law and even me during the few days I spent with her. It was with wistfulness, and not bitterness, when she relayed her childbearing stories including the names of her sons (and their related female versions with hopes of the child being a girl). In a case of opposites attracting or the ying to her yang, Franco, her husband, is a calm and patient man.

Her motto is to never leave home without either lipstick or heels on. In the case of nature vs. nurture (family ties), her sons have clearly inherited her frivolity in life. After checking out my chipped 3-week manicure, she quickly brought out nail polish remover and hot pink nail polish. After I jokingly asked if she was grooming me to pimp me out to a family friend (pimping me out), she quickly brushed it off and noted that a man is irrelevant, and it is always important to look good for one's self. She patiently sat next to me and supervised my manicure, correcting missed spots or rubbing off polish that got on my skin. As she showed my newly manicured nails to her sons, one of them jocularly noted how it looked like a puttana. Naturally, Luci took it as a compliment and a sign of her youth.

Had I not been told, I would have thought Luci was in her 50s rather than her 70s with her energy, zest for life and openness and intelligence. She was a woman with no judgments and kind heart. As I told many, including one of Gina's children who was a bit shocked as Luci is known as the crazy old woman, I would love to be Luci when I grow older. Hopefully, I resemble much of her already.

thelma & louise (part 1)

Over the weekend, I met Thelma, a hybrid of the Siberian Husky breed. Her mistress is named Louise, although her mistress' boyfriend was in charge of her for that weekend. She appeared gentle as she went from bar to bar, oftentimes just planting herself in the middle of the crowd and establishing herself as the center of attention. She seemed to ignore other dogs, especially the loud ones much smaller than her, and minded her own business, or rather having a mind of her own.

The next day, Paola and Valentina drove four hours to join us in Valdobbiadene. The two met more than 15 years before, and Paola is older than Valentina's mother. Yet, proving that soulmates come in all shapes, sizes and age, the two ladies have traveled together for years and have the most amazing stories of crashing private parties and meeting the rich and famous as if they belonged. One is a Virgo Sun and Libra Ascending while the other is a Libra Sun with Virgo Ascending. Paola is a designer and is the epitome of the Italian fashionista while Valentina is a singer who galavants and entertains throughout Europe.

Both document their lives via Instagram. Yet unlike others who create their lives via social media, they truly have a natural zest for life while living in the moment and following their dreams, engaging with anyone and everyone around them. They were both more about giving than receiving, including creating memorable moments for their loved ones. Their energy is contagious and even in the simplicity of wardrobe changes and taking pictures with them, it was more about having fun rather than looking for perfection.

tear down the walls

With Trump looking to build walls to exclude foreigners under the guise of protecting American jobs from undocumented workers, Italy has been evolving in the last few years to improve labor laws to protect low-skilled laborers and immigrants and create more transparency in doing so.

Harvesting, especially in the wine industry, does not require tremendous skill. Clippers and buckets are really the necessities. A few years ago, the local farmers' union created an initiative called 'Harvest of Solidarity' to promote matching the supply and demand of local seasonal laborers, mostly young although not limited to such and unemployed. It has also changed the local perception of this type of work as well, which is an interesting outcome given the irony of some Americans arguing that immigrants are stealing jobs that the Americans did not want.

During harvest, landowners are required to document their workers, including family members and neighbors (crushing grapes). This is to create transparency as well as protect everyone from cheap laborers (€1.5 an hour) working 12-15 hours per day. Periodically, planes fly by to snap pictures, counting the laborers on each vineyard to compare to the document provided by the landowners. Fines are up to €3k per infraction, enough to provide a deterrent in the local market.

crushing grapes

Well almost.

I was never a fanatic for I Love Lucy, but the episode where she and her best friend stomped on grapes to make wine seems to have stuck with me as one of those cool experiences. I finally decided to join my friend who owns a prosecco label to harvest season in Valdobbiadene, the finest prosecco region in Italy.

While they no longer crush grapes by stomping on them, they also generally harvest with machines. However, the beauty of Valdobbiadene is that the vineyards are on the mountain side, too steep for machinery. Every harvest is entirely done by hand. In many cases, the vineyards are family owned, and as each section of land is so diverse in its topography (e.g., soil, limestone, rainfall, sunlight), harvest even within the same vineyard is usually done when an agronomist or viticulturist determines  that various vines have the appropriate sugar content, so are done in batches.

My first experiencing harvesting with the top agronomist in Valdobbiadene and his family was definitely an unforgettable experience. The forecast called for rain, which would have made the steep hills challenging as well as the battle to beat the rain, in fears of it diluting the fruit content. With waterproof booties, long socks, and clippers in tow, we were prepared for what nature had in store for us. However, she graced us with a beautiful sunny day with crisp air and the magnificent aroma of grapes and slight fermentation. 

Although his vineyard is less than an acre, this is his passion, and harvest is family time for him, ranging at least three generations. Every vine is passed over at least by two sets of eyes with neighbors helping each other. Lunch was prepared by the matriarchy of the clan, and served on a picnic table nestled in the vineyards with all the fineries of Italian culinary delights of prosciutto, cheese, pasta, olives, peppers, prosecco, torte, and caffé perfecto (coffee with homemade grappa).

While I did not understand everything that was said, I shared in the laughs and family frivolity such as when the parents pointed out the massive hickey that the older son had on his neck, resulting in his face turning beet red. While other vignerons were selling their best harvest in many years to vintners, Giovanni chose to keep his batch to make his own blend of bubbles for personal use.

They did offer the silly American an opportunity to fulfill my dream of crushing grapes by throwing some poorer quality grapes into a bowl so that I could stick a foot on it but the dream was just in living out the day with a beautiful and gracious family rather than some silly stomping of grapes.

sound healing

SOFAR Sounds started in 2009 in London when a friend invited a few friends to his pad to listen to another friend perform live music. Almost a decade later, this has expanded to 431 cities and is an opportunity for locals and tourists to experience local performers, as well as an opportunity for local performers to share their gifts to the community and expand their following.

The location and the performers are a surprise to those who attend until 24 hours in advance. In certain cities, performances are offered almost every day of the year. My house was built in 1878, and the previous owner had used it as a bed and breakfast, often renting out rooms to Broadway performers who were looking to stay close to the entertainment district of Fillmore yet away from the busy downtown where the theaters that housed the Broadway shows were located. As he passed on the keys to the house, he relayed stories of the guests often hanging out in the front parlors, inviting friends like Carlos Santana, to perform impromptu gigs and sing-a-longs into the wee hours of the evenings.

As the furniture from the staging was removed from the house, I did not have the heart to replace them, and it seemed that with the empty space, it was a great opportunity to get the house back to some of its roots and creativity, providing a venue for performers to share their vibrations and expand their sound healing. The organizer had noted that night that he had not seen such a great set as that night in a very long time, as the three performers (Carolina Story, William Wild and Speakease) were very symbiotic in their sounds, with one traveling as far as Tennessee to grace us with their magic.

* * * * *

Update January 15, 2019:

I found myself committed to hosting a SOFAR Sounds event during a tough moment in my life, and while I had made excuses to not be present during the event, I found myself drawn to the music. I am grateful for The Carrots, Andrew Duhon and Dux for lulling me to its vibrations, drawing me out of my room and reminding me to be in the moment, providing me with the sound healing that my soul needed at the time. 

yellow

I have spent my entire life denying my heritage (full circle (part 4)). Although I was 'banana', I craved to be 'vanilla' for so long. While not my initial plans, my adventure to Vietnam pivoted my life in the most unexpected course.

My friend had me read the Crazy Rich Asian series, and while I was not so excited about the storylines, it seemed to be the latest hype since Joy Luck Club. Another friend had invited me to a pre-screening, and the significance seemed so lost on me. Yet, I would watch on Facebook how numerous pre-screenings were sold out with many waitlisted. Many were buying out theaters to host events, and others were offering to purchase free tickets to those who could not afford the luxury just to support #GoldOpen. 

With an all Asian cast and $30 million budget, it opened with 93% rating on Rotten Tomatoes with a $34 million with a limited opening in the U.S. and Canada, far exceeding the expectations of $18 million. For the first time, I enjoyed the movie much more than the book. One of my favorite scenes which was inserted because of Michelle Yeoh's refusal to portray a villainous tiger mom resonated with me for the symbolism of two strong, independent women who recognized and respected the other for each other's vulnerabilities and sacrifices, and the power that comes from enabling rather than competing with each other. 

Of course, two of my favorite songs were covered in two of my favorite scenes. The movie serves as a reminder of my time in Vietnam and subsequent travels that not all Asians look alike, and there is more diversity in who we are as ethnicities as well as individual persons. We all have our stories but in the end, we are more powerful in supporting each other and being role models for the children who see that all things are possible. Parallel to my discovery during my sexplorations over the last few years, vanilla is boring, and we are all more rich for the different flavors that satisfy our cravings.

* * * * *

Update August 21, 2018:

Dear Chris, Guy, Jonny and Will, 

I know it's a bit strange, but my whole life I've had a complicated relationship with the color yellow. From being called the word in a derogatory way throughout grade school, to watching movies where they called cowardly people yellow, it's always had a negative connotation in my life. That is, until I heard your song. 

For the first time in my life, it described the color in the most beautiful, magical ways I had ever heard: the color of the stars, her skin, the love. It was an incredible image of attraction and aspiration that it made me rethink my own self image. 

I remember seeing the music video in college for the first time on TRL. That oner shot with the sun rising was breathtaking for both my filmmaker and music-loving side. It immediately became an anthem for me and my friends and gave us a new sense of pride we never felt before...(even though it probably wasn't ever your intention). We could reclaim the color for ourselves and it has stuck with me for the majority of my life. 

So the reason I am writing this now, is because I am directing a film for Warner Bros. called CRAZY RICH ASIANS (based on the best selling novel) and it is the first ALL-ASIAN cast for a Hollywood studio film in 25 years. Crazy. We were recently featured on the cover of Entertainment Weekly to commemorate the fact. 

The story is a romantic comedy about a young Asian-American women (played by Constance Wu) from New York coming to terms with her cultural identity while she's visiting her boyfriend's mother (played by Michelle Yeoh) in Singapore. It's a lavish, fun, romantic romp but underneath it all, there's an intimate story of a girl becoming a woman. Learning that she's good enough and deserves the world, no matter what she's been taught or how she's been treated, and ultimately that she can be proud of her mixed heritage. 

The last scene of the movie shows this realization as she heads to the airport to return home a different woman. It's an empowering, emotional march and needs an anthem that lives up and beyond her inner triumph, which is where Yellow comes in. 

It would be such an honor to use your song that gave me so much strength throughout the years, to underscore this final part of our film. And for me personally, it would complete a journey that I've been going through, fighting to make it in the movie business. 

I know as an artist it's always difficult to decide when it's ok to attach your art to someone else's - and I am sure in most instances you are inclined to say no. However, I do believe this project is special. I do believe this is a unique situation in which the first Hollywood studio film, with an All-Asian cast is not playing stereotypes or side-players, but romantic and comedic leads. It will give a whole generation of Asian-Americans, and others, the same sense of pride I got when I heard your song. I know it's recontextualized but I think that's what makes it powerful. I want all of them to have an anthem that makes them feel as beautiful as your words and melody made me feel when I needed it most. 

Your consideration would mean so much to me and our project. 

I can show you the movie if you want to see the context, or talk to you if you have any questions. Thank you for taking the time to listen. 

Much love, 

Jon M. Chu

Source: This Letter the Director of 'Crazy Rich Asians' Wrote to Coldplay Is a Masterpiece of Emotional Intelligence 

YUMmy

I've always loved surprises and new experiences. However, as odd as this may sound, I recently discovered that these moments are truly my passion and hobby. It could be new people, new activities, new topics, and even a new me.

In the last few years of conscious exploration (ftale) and pushing and learning my boundaries, I have learned a lot about myself, including unpacking some childhood issues. It soon became difficult though to separate the personal from professional persona (full circle (part 8)), as well as connecting with existing friends who don't share such lifestyles, in finding my authentic self.

With a simple match with an amazing man with a zest for life, life seems to have shown me a glimpse of the next path in my journey. While I was game to attend a sensations party, I wasn't entirely sure what it would entail. I was more of the stranger to the party, yet for once, I didn't feel as one. As the night went on, there was no gender biases, no power imbalances, no judgments...only trust and sensuality. The primary rule was 'enthusiastic consent'. 

One of the most beautiful sights (up there with sunrises at Machu Picchu and Angkor Wat) was watching the host and hostess during a forced orgasm play. Ironically, it was a new term that I had learned of the week before. Her control and restraint coupled with his mastery of reading her body and her breathes, while holding her so lovingly, emitted such a passionate, explosive energy that was contagious and so overpowering that it was difficult for me to breathe. I found myself in a trance, unable to look away. Yet, it was one of the most intimate experiences, and will forever be etched in my mind as what 'unconditional love' should look like.

The night began as a group and ended as a group, connected by a string, surrounded by love. The last few days, I am saddened that in my group of friends, there would not be at least 2, much less 8, people who would be so positive about loving, leaving all inhibitions at the door. However, it has made me determined to continue this journey of surrounding myself with such people. 

I was blessed though to be a part of an awesome experience of new people, new activities and new toys, with a new me. As I laid sated that night in my bed, it hit me that the entire night, the 'loving, vulnerable self' of me (fool's gold) was present the entire time. As we had our sharing circle at the end, I tried my damnedest to contain the tears...the tears of happiness where for once I could see why San Francisco would finally leave a mark on me with seven beautiful faces (and bodies).

silver fox

Rest In Peace

9/23/93 - 1/27/18

Walking the halls 25 years ago in New York City, 'bright-eyed and bushy tailed', I was not one of those new hires that thought I would be a partner and stay until retirement. I was taught to be grateful that I was employed. My goals at the time were limited to two years, enough to get my CPA and then skedaddle to Wall Street.

Opportunities, but mostly people, pivoted my plans. I learned a lot; I accomplished a lot. It served as a stomping ground for me to face challenges, build my survival toolkit, observe behaviors and refine my filters to define the 'good peeps' in my life (some I consider family), and find my passion. Each contributing to chipping away the walls I built from childhood, and the bubble that my mentor (moments that matter (part 3)) and others like him created for me to enable me to work on eroding the insecurities of years past.

The transition from the initial kissing my boo-boos to 11:11 (part 8) made it seem like a 'walk in the park' yesterday. In so many ways, it was like the journey in 2016 that was the 'beginning of the end' from ftale to 22 and moments that matter (part 2). In a balance of irony for the day, although I was trying to 'hide' on a different floor, one of the men involved in one of my sexual harassment situations was in the next office, which only served as a reminder that I was doing the right thing. It was countered though as I ran into one of my mentees who had started in San Francisco around the time that I started and who had periodically sent me messages and gifts over the last few months while I was on leave. He did not know about my situation, but it was great to see his smile and immediate embrace when he saw me.

My last act of the day was to drop off my computer and badge. Three men who welcomed me when I first moved to San Francisco were also the last to hug me before I exited the same doors. While the practice still wants me to have a big send off, I decided to do it on my own terms yesterday and quietly, peacefully walk into a brisk sunny day to renew my unicorn hair. The electric blue hues added an exciting spark to end the day.

Not only did I make partner but after recent changes in our partnership agreements, I am also officially a retired partner with pension in tow. Not bad for a refugee on a boat. I never once looked back. A part of me felt like I should have been sad, but I could not control the smile that formed on my lips as I walked into that sunshine.

flexing muscles

As my cohort mate says...'We did a thing!'

When people ask me how the last three months were, in an odd sense of accomplishment, it has been such a long time that I have actually used my brain that it felt absolutely amazing! Astrophysicist, epidemiologist, artist (stone skipping (part 9))...we are so different yet we all shared a common goal to pivot our lives and make magic happen.

My friends who attended graduation today often commented that they are still surprised that I ended up attending an all-women bootcamp. While I like to joke that it was a good thing to not be distracted from all the young male testosterone, I am blessed to have acquired a new family that will always support me the rest of my life.

Ironically, I learned early in life to weed out 'catty' women (reclaiming the cunt (part 5)), which at the time turned out to be a good percentage of those that orbited my life, or perhaps, they weeded themselves out. Life seems to balance itself out.

We have been spending the last few weeks practicing 'whiteboarding' for our technical interviews for our upcoming job search. While a few have some idea of what they would like to do and/or where they would like to work, we all have a clean slate to use colors, medium or style of our choice.

Be fierce! Be authentic! Congratulations to 'Fearless Girl(s)' ready to take the bull by its horns!

red badge of courage

A post shared by Hackbright Academy (@hackbright) on Dec 8, 2017 at 4:48pm PST

tickle my tuple