saudade (part 6)

When a ripple turns out to be a tsunami, the consultant in me wonders if it could have been avoided. Perhaps the recent return of the raven from bubble of bliss was an omen. During the witching hours, I seem to have received downloads that allowed me to detach from my hurt/trauma, and piece together various communications over the last few months. I have spent my entire life connecting dots, trying to make sense of what isn't being said, looking for red flags to protect myself from being preyed upon as my self-preservation. bluebird taught me that someone's negative behavior could be less about me but more about cognitive dissonance to the self.

While we may have similar love languages of touch and words of affirmation and personality type of pioneer, our approach to life, including ways of communication or getting to know people, are at times, vastly different. I have learned to over-communicate to minimize misunderstandings over the years, yet with an ADHD brain, I am learning that large chunks of communication and at rapid pace can be overwhelming to the point that it is not received properly as the executive function may jumble the details.

I wasn't sure where the tears of joy were coming from as I excitedly shared that I may be beginning to understand what had been going on with us from his side, but rather than connect the dots of what wasn't being said, I found myself trying to parse the words he did say over time, and ATTUNE it from his perspective rather than mine. In researching communication differences with someone with ADHD, I was surprised to read from Don't Just Talk, Communicate that becoming confrontational, including blaming others or shutting down conversations/conflict resolution (behaviors that trigger me), was a common behavior. Clamming up or confused/scattered thoughts/musings have also previously triggered me because from past experiences with exes, these were defensive tactics from someone who didn't want to be accountable, rather than from someone whose brain functions differently.

I find myself being more grateful now, rather than frustrated or triggered, at the times when he communicates that we need to pause because he's not able to receive the information. Some of that may have to do with shutting down communication, but some of that is the ability to manage the information. As with bluebird, similar behaviors may not have nefarious reasons. Perhaps, unlike others who preceded him, it truly is subconscious.

When I woke up at the witching hour this time, the title of a video had me wondering if it was a message, but it led to a few other ones, culminating in one that explains why the over-reaction (tsunami) needed to happen.

I needed to learn to release my sense of self to truly hear the other. I needed the tsunami (pain-body) for me to see that comparing how others treat me to how they treat others, created a lot of trauma/re-triggering that stemmed from childhood, when perhaps I am just in a category of my own and should just focus on the happiness and fun I'm feeling in the NOW, a reminder to be present and not let thoughts become unwanted manifestations. My tears of joy, it would seem, was from the happiness of realizing that he was changing his patterns and that I was processing traumas/patterns from the mirroring that was being reflected back to me. In doing so, we are getting a step closer to a transcendence level.

On Instagram this morning, someone posted a recommendation for the Four Seasons in Koh Samui, taking me back to bubble of bliss. I had been highlighting to him that our love will never be like the 'great' love that he was perhaps comparing to as it is different. In a moment of saudade, I realized the irony that our love is also very different from the 'great' connection I felt in bubble of bliss. It feels more light and liberating, not obsessive, but like a sense of being home. I manifested this relationship; I manifested these experiences of pain-body in order for us to break cycles; and I manifested this love from the feeling I felt in Koh Samui to something beyond what I understood love to be at that time, unattached to anyone. It was also a reminder that I'm still manifesting that bath in a tub with a view like that in our villa in Koh Samui, and I'm grateful for someone who enjoys bathtime.

extra-terrestrial

Although my recollection of my first plane ride was our band trip to NYC for the Macy's Parade my senior year (stamp collection), the reality is that the first plane was the one that took us from Asia to a refugee camp in the US. Throughout my childhood, we rarely took family vacations but when we did, it was usually a road trip to visit relatives in California. Sometimes, it seemed as if we packed more food and beverages for the multi-day trips than clothing. 

Perhaps from an innate fear of authorities, stemming from years in a communist country, being stopped at the state line caused some consternation between my parents. Unaware of the laws, they were confused when the officials at the border checkpoint had us turn over all produce, only to watch them dump them in the trash. Exposure to farms and/or transportation of meat or produce are common questions on all immigration forms worldwide. 

After getting approved for Global Entry, my first overseas trip was my friends' wedding in Spain many years ago. Excited to bring back a taste of the delicacy of jamon (cured ham), we went to a number of local spots to find properly packaged, quality jamon. Thinking my luck had turned, I was pulled for customs inspection, only to find out afterwards that the system automatically flags people based on travel locals (such as France, Germany, Italy or Spain for any cured meats) and profiles (e.g., new Global Entry individuals) to inspect. The official, with my name and picture in hand, was intentionally looking for me. Although the fine is up to $10k, the inspector luckily let me off with a warning after throwing away my expensive 'souvenir', most likely the initiation rite for many new members.

Like California, Hawai'i has strict regulations in order to manage insect infestations and disease outbreak that would be detrimental to the natural flora or fauna that would not have the natural defenses to protect itself from such species. Hawai'i, with its isolation in the Pacific Ocean, has uniquely adapted endemic species that would be highly sensitive to exposure to and/or competition from invasive species. Endemism is almost ten times richer on islands than on mainland. Rats, fire ants, mosquitoes, coqui frogs and asiatic rhinoceros beetle, to name a few, did not exist on the islands until the advent of foreigners. Even intentional introduction of foreign species had unintended consequences that have wreaked havoc upon the natural habitat. 

Mongooses were brought in to control the rat population in sugar cane fields; however, they are active during the day while rats are nocturnal creatures. Given their opportunistic predatory behavior, rather than control the rat population, it resulted in a reduction of snails, palms and nesting birds, which feed on rats, thereby increasing the rat population. In the 1800s, strawberry guava was brought in as an edible fruit but now threatens endemic flora and fauna because of its shade-casting thickets and dense mats of surface feeder roots.

Hawai'i also has strict guidelines and quarantine restrictions for pets, including service animals, which makes it a challenge for the spontaneous travelers. While the Big Island is the largest of the Hawaiian islands, its population is only a quarter of that of Oahu, the location of the capital. It is known for its agricultural and vast micro-climates, containing 10 of the 14 Köppen climate subzones, practically all but the ones in the Cool Snow Forest climate.

In addition to the active volcanos on the island (juxtaposition), soil transport is also an issue between the micro-climates of the Big Island, with signs warning visitors about bringing unwanted species from footwear or pets. Locals are mindful about acquiring plants from nearby resources rather than other parts of the island for fear of introducing unwanted pests onto their lands. Living on the mainland, even as a resident of the Bay Area, I was unaware of the magnitude of the dangers and long-term effects to the economy and ecology, amounting to over $120 billion to control and combat the impacts in the U.S. alone.

juxtaposition

Barren vs. Lush

Down by the hot pockets, the stark vastness of the devastation from five years ago is interspersed between the varying flora the Big Island has to offer along Route 137 in bushwhack country where everything is off grid, and rules seem to be lacking. While some roads were built and reconnected over the lava rocks, many remain buried. A few homes have been rebuilt on top of the black canvas, but with infrastructure completely wiped, many lots remain abandoned.

Sporadically, one can see the lucky souls whose homes were spared, oftentimes, barely as lava rocks abut within mere feet of the perimeter of the abode. The eruption lasted the entire summer of 2018 from May to August, impacting the air quality of the island (much like the aftermath of 9/11 (carpe diem and for whom the bell tolls)), forcing many to relocate to the mainland or surrounding islands. Some never returned.

When the lava lake at Halemu'uma'u overflowed onto the floor of the crater in the spring, it was an omen to something happening soon as the pressure continued to increase, until the lake collapsed (pū'iwa), draining the magma underground until it spewed a little above the Lower East Rift Zone, southeast of the island, bringing tens of thousands of earthquakes during that period.

Lava rocks for miles

Parts of the Lower Puna coastline has still yet to recover, taking out over thirty miles of road (including three miles of the Red Road between Pohoiki and Kapoho), ultimately covering almost fourteen square miles of land with many stories deep of lava, and displacing over 2,000 people.

The Big Island is the only one of the Hawaiian islands that has active volcanos. While the other islands are instituting policies to combat erosion (ease-dropping), the volcanic activity in 2018 added almost 900 acres of new land to the island, including the land surrounding the four additional hot ponds at Pohoiki (hot pockets).

The natives consider Mauna Kea (to infinity and beyond) and Mauna Loa (pū'iwa) (and the surrounding areas) sacred land, leaving prayers and ho'okupu (offerings) to Pele, in hopes of tempering her ire. Yet with her destruction comes creation - the circle of life.

saudade (part 3)

Death is an interesting thing. For many of us, we spend our entire lives fearing it. For some of us, we seem to think it will reunite us with our 'forever person'. Perhaps that is why there are countless stories about elderly couples or family members who die shortly after the other, called the 'broken heart syndrome'. Think Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds or June Carter and Johnny Cash. Todd Fisher, Reynold's son, noted that she had said she wanted to be with Carrie, but clarified that rather from a broken heart, she had chosen to be with her daughter as she didn't want Carrie to be alone.

"The spirit of June Carter overshadows me tonight with the love she had for me and the love I have for her. We connect somewhere between here and Heaven. She came down for a short visit, I guess, from Heaven to visit with me tonight to give me courage and inspiration like she always has. She's never been one for me except courage and inspiration. I thank God for June Carter. I lover her with all my heart."

~ Johnny Cash (July 5, 2003) 

During my time on this island, death seems to be a reminder of the cycle of life. Today, the current owner of a property that my friend/roommate is purchasing had to put her Cleo down. Cleo was so spritely when I met her at a dinner party a couple of weeks ago. About to start a new adventure in Oahu, she was her mistress' companion and a connection to a past that she was going to leave behind...only to now leave her mistress to venture on her own.

And then for a small minority, we see it as salvation from unbearable pain. My roommate learned last week while we were at the Magic Sands Beach in Kona that his friend had an episode and committed suicide. They had just spoken the day it happened, which serves as a very potent reminder that we never know what is going on with others no matter how close we think we are to them.

Yoon Se-Ri was a reminder to her stepmother (Han Jeong-yeon) of her failure as a woman and wife, blaming herself for her husband's affair. For the longest time, I was convinced that I was my father's 'love child' from his military days as some rationalization to what appeared to be my mother's 'hatred' for me (full circle (part 3)).

"Ever since that day, there's a chilling night sea in my heart. And the sun never shines on that sea. No matter how many times I counted, the sun never showed up. And you never came back.

Ever since then, one thought lingered in my mind...'Why did I come to this world and turn my mom's life into a living hell? It would've been better had I not been born. I feel sorry for breathing." 

~ Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode  12)

Se-Ri went to Switzerland in search of assisted suicide (CLoY - Episode 2), feeling as she had no home to return to. In Episode 9, she shares with Ri Jeong-Hyeok when they realize that the song that she heard on the lake that kept her alive was one he wrote and played on the piano while waiting for his transport.

"That day, I was really lonely. I truly wished to die then. I wanted to go to a beautiful place and quietly disappear so I didn't trouble anybody. That's why I went there [Iseltwald on Lake Brienz]. But you were ... there. Even when you didn't know it, you saved my life."

Many believe that those who choose to take their own lives are selfish, and perhaps in some way, not wanting to be thought of as a selfish person was one reason why I didn't go through with it (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)). 

"You know the thing about suicide...you don't just kill yourself. You kill every memory of you. This will be all everyone remembers, Jamie. Every second you spend on this Earth will be reduced to how you chose to leave it. No one will mourn your loss, son, because this isn't losing your life. This is quitting it. 

... I won't let you. Because it's selfish! It's the single most selfish thing a person can do!

Your grandfather used to say that you can't fix a broken wagon wheel. But you can use the parts to make a new one."

~ John Dutton (Yellowstone - Season 2, Episode 7) 

Having been on both sides of this coin, I think that the expanse between those struggling mentally and those like Dutton et al. can be too wide a gap to bridge in some instances. I often hear the living postulating why the person didn't seek help or give any indications of their situation. Yet, in many cases, they do or did. Sometimes it is ignored, sometimes it is minimized or often times, I think people just don't want or know how to deal with it, hoping someone else is stepping in.

Aren't those blaming the person for being selfish in reality the selfish ones? Aren't they hoping the person stays alive for their own sake, at the cost of the pain and anguish of the individual? We don't want them to die so that we don't have to deal with grief and loss as we go about our everyday lives. Yet, we haven't stepped into the shoes of that person's everyday life to understand the suffering, the voices, the hallucinations and the loneliness. As with Se-Ri, death seems like a solution to not continue to burden those you love.

While the stepmother left Se-Ri alone on the beach (saudade (part 2)), she couldn't have been too far away as she somehow had observed Se-Ri counting (CLoY - Episode 4). While the sun may not have been visible to Se-Ri, the sun was reflecting on the moon as the light in the sky. Similar to Se-Ri, birthdays were a source of unhappy memories for me (full circle (part 6)). Although I have recently tried to change the energy by finding a new experience every birthday (with new templates...the party continues), the taint still lingers like survivor's guilt after 9/11 (carpe diem).

"Next year, the year after that, and even the one after that, will all be good. Because I'll be thinking about you. I'll be grateful that you were born into this world. I'll be grateful that the person I love is still breathing. That's why your birthday will always be a good day."

~ Ri Jeong-Hyeok (CLoY - Episode 12)

No longer having social media to remind people of birthdays has significantly reduced the birthday wishes to a handful of friends and family. As an annual ritual, I'm not sure that he (moments that matter (part 6)) is grateful that I was born but at least for a brief moment, someone is thinking about me.

Whether it was in Switzerland on the piano or in the market place with a candle (saudade (part 2)), Jeong-Hyeok represented the sun on the sea when there was the cry, silent or not. Sometimes it is being in the right place, at the right time. While one may have taken the wrong train (to infinity and beyond), it turns out to be the right train for one to be on for someone else (hug it out). What we may rationalize as pure coincidence is the interconnectedness of the university, with a single point of infinite density and time continuum. Se-Ri echoed that time in my life ...

"Back then, I didn't want to live. I thought it'd be nice to spend my final moments in a place with beautiful scenery. But during the trip, I realized that I did not want to die. I just didn't want to live. I just needed some consolation. I'd never live the kind of life where I could be loved by those whom I love, but I still wanted to hear someone say that I could live and that I must keep on living.

And right at that moment, that melody started playing as if it was the answer to my prayer. 'You can live. You must get through this.' It gave me solace."

~ Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode 7) 

Listening to her memorial service today, the Jewish have a tradition that helps provide closures for the living. As the casket is lowered, it is an opportunity for one to either ask for forgiveness or to forgive for any unresolved hurts. For those who felt she was selfish, that would be a time for them to forgive her and know that she is no longer suffering.

"I'll see you around if fate allows."

~ Gu Seung-jun  (CLoY - Episode 4)

saudade (part 2)

I don't know when it started but the beach has provided me solace for a long time. The deafening roar of the surf, the misty sea-spray of the crashing waves, the abrading grit of the sand, the glistening sparkles of the aquamarine water, the gentle whispers of the salty breeze and the songs of the local inhabitants in the air, land and see inundates all the senses.

Perhaps suggested from "Footprints in the Sand" as a child 'bussed off' to weekly Sunday School, I would periodically visualize walking along the shore hand in hand with a taller gentleman during code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123), although throughout my life, the image would oscillate with me leaning back on some stronger, protective presence, his arms embracing me, with the rising or setting sun illuminating us. Touch...before learning the love language (full circle (part 9), modern love), it provided so much more, with the presence of safety, trust, nurturing and ... 'je ne sais quoi' ... everything. I felt a flash of that re-membering in a bubble of bliss.

During my travels, I have turned to the shore during moments that I needed a reminder and recharge of my energy and essence, sitting for moments with eyes closed absorbing the warm embrace from the coupling of the sun (masculine)/moon (feminine) and the wind as a gentle caress, visualizing touch. Despite my Virgo Sun (earth), Sagittarius Moon (fire) and Metal (Gold) Pig (face of the girl (part 1), trifecta) I have been told by various 'seers' that there is a lot of the flighty air in me and that it would take a partner that could bring me down to the Earth to ground me and balance that energy. While I always felt grounded after my moments on the beaches, I often times felt an air of bittersweetness...was that a trait of the Metal Pig or a precursor to saudade?

As noted in saudade (part 1), I was not prepared when Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode 4) found herself in the outdoor marketplace talking to friends who were no longer there, with the scene showing the first flashbacks to the young girl sitting on the beach with the setting sun and counting. The body has a way of keeping score and I found the tears well up and fall without initially understanding the emotions behind the trigger. Fear, loneliness, perhaps a smidgeon of abandonment...yet, when Ri Jeong-Hyeok raised his arm with a candle as a beacon of light beckoning the little girl home, the breath I finally released was quickly followed by incontrollable sobs. I had to pause the series to let my body release what the little girl had buried all these years.

I had known about the incident in elementary school when I waited for hours to be picked up from school, but it was a story with no actual memories (ftale, moments that matter (part 1)). As with safe haven, my body knew something my conscious mind did not. Over the remaining episodes, it unfolds that the little girl on the beach came with her stepmother and was instructed to wait while her stepmother went to find them something to drink. After a spell, she starts counting, trying to convince herself that her stepmother will be back by the time she gets to 100; however, when she gets to 99, she restarts the count. Strangers eventually find her passed out on the beach.

As with standing taller, Se-Ri's stepmother, much like my mother, was experiencing her own unhappiness, and struggled with a daughter who reflected someone that they were not and exhibited innocence and kindness that they didn't believe they deserved. By the time I got to the same scene in the marketplace the second time I binge watched the series, my subconscious had released snippets of the repressed memories of the little girl, who was at Southside Elementary and had assured the last adult to leave the building, perhaps a teacher, that one of my parents was on his/her way to pick me up.

As the sky turned darker, I also had told myself stories as to why no-one had come yet as I looked out at the empty parking lot, with my heart skipping a beat each time I saw headlights in the distance only to experience a dash of disappointed which I quickly pushed away when the car(s) kept driving past me. Like Se-Ri on her hospital bed after listening to her mother's recorded musings of regrets (CLoY - Episode 14), I have been able to reflect on the event from the perspective of my parents (full circle (part 8)), who as immigrants, were working overtime or going to night school in order to better their lot in life, and as with any other day, were banking on their children getting home via the reliable school bus, forgetting the extracurricular activities that kept one at school.

Be that as it may, who would that child be today had she experienced those moments from the perspective of the universe rather than that from a girl with all the hope, trust and love from the innocence of the womb, feeling like she had to apologize for being born, much like Se-Ri? Perhaps much of the tears were less for the memories but for the grief of a childhood that should have been.

saudade (part 1)

When he recommended that I watch Crash Landing On You ("CLoY"), a Korean drama, I really had no interest in K-dramas although my nieces are avid fans. I had a perception that they may be like the Vietnamese dramas where people are "nhõng nhēo" (quite childish), especially the female characters, usually with a whiny high-pitched voice. But a Gringo recommending it with a warning to be prepared to cry had me intrigued. After watching the first episode, I realized that I couldn't do my typical multi-tasking when I watch things as it would require focus not only for the subtitles but for the action on screen, especially since the male lead (Ri Jeong Hyeok, played by Hyun Bin) evoke many emotions without words. So it stayed on My List in Netflix for months.

With the Depp trial and TV spring season over as well as a self-enforced summer break from classes, CLoY seemed to beckon me and I ended up binge watching it over a 36-hour period. My first tear probably wasn't where it was for many. Over the next few days I binge watched it again. While the emotions from the first time around were more muted, I could feel shifts in my body and mind, as I had seemed to lose my appetite and often woke up in the middle of the night. In many ways, the series seemed to be my life in a parallel universe, but as he noted, there are so many complexities in the storyline that it is probably why so many connected with it. 

Luckily, I was dog-sitting Bella who gave me comfort and cuddles. The harder I tried to shake the feeling, the more it seemed as if there was something I wasn't quite seeing. I found myself going back to watch various clips, and in one such instance, something stood out that I had clearly missed all the times before...Seo Dan's mother was gifting the ladies of the North Korean Village Se-ri's Choice limited edition products that had their likeness illustrated on the boxes. For the English subtitles, the series was called Saudade.

Perhaps the other times, it just seemed like a name but when I decided to look it up to see if there was a meaning, it was a key to mysterious journey. Saudade does not have a direct translation into English...nostalgia doesn't do it justice, but neither does yearning.

They say that the energy of the Hawaiian Islands have a way of accepting or spitting people out, with each island containing its unique vibe. I've already felt more well rested since stepping onto her soil. Hopefully, Ka Makuahine will be instrumental to connecting me with the part of me that I sorely miss but felt I needed to leave behind (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)).

the unboxing

The container...this is a word that people use to put boundaries around a perceived safe environment for communication that separates it from the rest of the world. Yet the concept of a box where someone puts you into a category, a box, prefabricated and defined, seems so limiting on where you can move and/or grow. 

How do I best communicate what that means to me and how it hurts? It is as if someone's confirmation bias or prejudice/judgment of you defines you and you are limited to that specific definition rather than being open to explore who you are and/or letting you fly to explore yourself. Now there are so many opportunities in the world that isn't limited to a box or judgmental people so what is my learning and reflection as to why I continue to migrate towards those situations and in some cases, continue to repeat doing so like a moth to a flame? 

Is it because I am hoping people change or is it because I'm easily fooled? I have always struggled with people judging me based on their experiences with others, that are then projected onto me. Rather than appreciate the uniqueness of me, I find myself having to modify or overly communicate to help others navigate me. And yet, I look at them all and want to scream "LOOK AT ME, SEE ME, I'M ME, AND NOBODY ELSE! GET TO KNOW ME FOR ME." 

Yet my whole life, I've had walls that others have placed before me that I've had to climb over just to have an opportunity at proving myself, overcoming everyone else's biases or past experiences, making up for all the past transgressions others afflicted onto them. Why do people categorize people in their lives? What makes someone good enough to fit into certain categories and is that person truly in the right category based in assumptions that others have made?

Of course, there are people's insecurities that I have to combat. The issue of a woman being successful that makes men take pause. The issue of a woman who is independent in mind causing men to feel not in control. The issue of a woman sexually liberated creating all sorts of ego challenges. They are the women you may want to have fun with but not the women you would respect or put in one's sacred category. Why? What causes people to do that?

In a way, it is shaming people for being who they are that doesn't stop you from enjoying them for what you get out of it but then using that shame to triangulate them in your life. Be in the moment. Be present with those in your vicinity. Be vulnerable, Be you, but let them be them. Beautiful memories are waiting to spring forth.

modern love

I wonder how we will remember this moment in time, sort of like where were you when 9/11 happened. Yet for New Yorkers, it wasn't just one moment but a new normal that changed us forever, perhaps for the better in our kindness, resiliency and compassion.

In the last few months, I have noticed how my YouTube feed/recommendations have been sending me messages from my spirit guides/universe for not just me but for others in my life, which has been very serendipitous in its timing. I have often thought of this blog and whether I should get back to it after pausing for "life drains" and somehow there didn't seem to be lessons or meaningful insights to share until today.

I've never heard of the Modern Love series in The New York Times but it seems as if they have videos and podcasts as its companions. I wasn't sure what to expect when I clicked on A Kiss, Deferred. Given our social distancing new normal, touch and intimacy seems so far away especially for someone whose love language includes physical touch and quality time.

While the article was more in depth, the cliffhanger left people wanting. However, I like that the story stops there for people to imagine the possibilities. On both YouTube and The New York Times, the beautiful part was others sharing their stories of lost loves or those beautiful moments that they hold  onto in stressful or sad times. It made me think of Toby (unsent letters (part 1) and moments that matter (part 1)) and him who has inundated this blog (full circle (part 1), the truth shall set you free, and all posts in between).

Toby helped me through childhood, and he has helped me through adulthood.

We were strangers. We would not have recognized each other on the street. Yet we understood something about each other that no one else did or could...

Some of my memories had faded. Others were so vivid I feared I had invented them, but he remembered many of the same things, and just differently enough to make my own memories even more real.

~ Nikolini Kulidzan, The New York Times 7/30/15

I had taken a pause for a period in our lives and in the silence, I am sure he knew why. As a moth to a flame or knowing one's foundation or home, it felt right to have reached out again recently especially during this global pandemic to know that we are not alone and that life is sometimes just deferred.

chimera

The Temple is a sacred place within Black Rock City and is said to represent the 'soul' of Burning Man, located at 12 o'clock. It was first constructed in 2000, originally as an art installation that then turned into a commemoration for a fellow burner who helped build the Temple of the Mind and died from a motorcycle accident on the way to Burning Man. Setting it up into flames marks the end of Burning Man, and for many, the end of debilitating aspects of their lives whether certain behaviors, certain people or certain memories or new beginnings with rituals, ceremonies and weddings.

The Temple of Direction was designed by Geordie Van Der Bosch, in collaboration with a number of artists for the lighting and seating arrangements. It represents the passage of life from beginning to middle to end. Some bring offerings, letters and tokens to burn. Even those who are not able to attend the burn, send such offerings and letters to friends and family to leave at the Temple on their behalf. 

During the week, thousands visit the Temple to connect, remember, reflect and renew themselves with loved ones who have left this dimension and/or with others who are there to share love and support each other. While the energy during the burning of the man is electric, the energy from the burning of the Temple has its own magnetic energy of serenity. The silence is as deafening, if not more so than the cheers when the man toppled. The Temple in its position at the top of the clock in deep playa is a stark contrast to the rest of the festivities.

Metamorphosis was the theme for 2019. For many in my circle, 2019 has been a challenge for individuals and relationships in many varying ways.  I have been told that experiences are amplified on the playa. It is a place that makes or breaks relationships, for example. A friend theorized that it is the heat that puts everyone in a heightened state. However, having experienced the energy on the playa, I believe there is an energetic vortex and magic that is embodied from the collective conscience of almost 80,000 individuals, gathered in one place. We did ceremonies to leave behind limiting beliefs and parts of us  or people that no longer served us. It was also at the Temple that friends got engaged.

Some biologists believe in the Death and Resurrection Theory of certain species like caterpillars and butterflies whereby two animals share a DNA molecule but one dies and dissolves within the chrysalis, and the same (imaginal) cells reincarnates into a different animal altogether. Two different sets of genetic instructions, resulting in two different organisms.

The burning of the Temple represents the chrysalis and the death of one life or letting go of things that no longer serve them and reincarnation of a new beginning upon return to the 'default world'. While the first mass exodus is after the man burns, more than half stay to watch their intentions sealed up, never to return and go up in flames...their final forgiveness of self.

"Awakening is not a thing. It is not a goal, not a concept. It is not something to be attained. It is a metamorphosis. If the caterpillar thinks about the butterfly it is to become, saying ‘And then I shall have wings and antennae,’ there will never be a butterfly. The caterpillar must accept its own disappearance in its transformation. When the marvelous butterfly takes wing, nothing of the caterpillar remains."

~ Alejandro Jodorowsky 

small packages

Although it was the smallest of the festivals that I have attended, it was definitely the most magical. Everywhere I looked, there were people I consider my tribe. We started with an opening ceremony and ended with a closing ceremony, setting our intentions and expanding our collective hearts.

After months of lows culminating in a walk in the darkness of the city, coming full circle to code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123), a place I had thought I would never find myself again, I found myself struggling with the knowledge of multiple past lives with a particular soul and our purpose in this life. After many attempts at 'clean slates,' it seemed as if we had hit an impasse. Perhaps it was the energy or the love and support from our extended 'family members' or a culmination of so many 'wants' that he found himself able to 'observe' rather than 'act' (Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself - How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Joe Dispenza).

I found myself connecting with people I had not connected with before although we were always in each other's orbits. Sometimes it amazes me when and who a person shares his/her vulnerable parts. While I still do not have an answer to my question, I was blessed with the magic of healing where my stories and struggles may have had an impact in others finding their answers. Then again, perhaps I did get my answer and have to be patient and appreciate the clouds before the wind blows it to show the clear blue skies.

phoenix rising

San Francisco is known for its tech startups, high cost of living and aggressive homeless population. In its underbelly is a whole group of vandwellers. With the street sweepers and alternate street parking, San Francisco vandwellers naturally migrate towards areas that can house the larger vehicles, provide adequate sunlight for solar panels and does not require constant movement of their 'homes'. Given the lack of areas that would support these criteria, vandwellers have created their own community  and family that support each other. 

Konstantin was vandwelling when a man in a SUV stopped by him asking if he would be interested in either or both pups that the man was going to put down as neither one of them were good for fighting. Phoenix, despite his early puphood of being bred to be a fight dog, has one of the gentlest dispositions. His animal control documents in 2017 notes him as a bull mastiff mix.

His master, on the other hand, is not always law-abiding and can be a bit temperamental in certain situations. However, Konstantin has his own guiding principles and morals that he lives by, including not putting animals on a leash and not neutering them. Those who live or work in the neighborhood are familiar with this freedom-fighting duo. The mailwoman has an agreement with Konstantin that he would put Phoenix in his RV when she's on duty in the neighborhood. He has received citations for no leash in the past, and when he outright breaks laws, Konstantin fully chooses to do so with the knowledge of the cost of the consequences and pays them willingly.

San Francisco Animal Care & Control (SFACC) is based in the same neighborhood. Although they frequently cross paths, including citing the duo, in a moment of irony, the director of SFACC flagged down one of its officers to not only cite the duo but also to take Phoenix in to get neutered. San Francisco, like many cities, have passed laws to spay and neuter pit bulls or similar animals. Although this law was passed in 2006, the government has not developed a more precise way of genetically testing and/or developing clear standards on what is considered a pitbull-like animal. Instead they utilize a subjective 8-point checklist to categorize pitbulls, with a five out of eight benchmark to meet the classification. Genetic testing, even if one were to pay for it, would not suffice as there is no barometer of percentage as a gauge. Despite prior citations over the years, none of the representatives at SFACC had ever mentioned that Phoenix was at risk of not being in compliance of the 2006 law.

Rallying the community, there were not enough seats in the conference room of City Hall to fit all those who took time out of their day to show up to support Konstantin and Phoenix, with more than half having to stay out in the hall, anxiously listening through the glass door to give updates. SFACC had a veterinarian in tow. Although none of us were dog experts, we all showed up with the compassion and love for Phoenix and his plight. Some of  us dressed up for the occasion, dusting off cobwebs and donning on suits from the back of closets, to counter any profiling and natural bias of vandwellers. When the court delegate said she had made her decision, some of us did not realize that we had held our breaths until we all instantaneously released heavy sighs and tears upon her saying the words 'NOT a pitbull...'.

The vaccinations and microchip that SFACC injected into Phoenix seemed like a minor exchange for keeping his balls in tact. We headed back to Phoenix's home to celebrate with champagne. Of course, although Phoenix seemed 'cool and collected' despite his ordeal, only his numerous pitstops to urinate and defecate belied his anguish over the last 24 hours. It was a great outcome for my first animal rights activism although my feet were killing me after not walking in stilettos for over a year.

violet goddess

In a moment of firsts, I was looking forward to spending Christmas with the eyes of a child with rainbow kaleidoscope glasses, watching the radiant sun, cottony clouds, bluest sky, undulating waves and briskly palm trees turn into the glowing moon, twinkling stars and roaring tides as we walked the shores of Cabo San Lucas. When we saw the notice that the luggage had been searched and the bare vial, our hearts dropped. In an attempt to salvage my wish, he diluted the vial with water for me to empty the contents.

Within minutes, my body was taken through whorls of vibrant purples, magentas and fuchsias of fractals and mandalas by a dark-headed goddess. Those who witnessed my short journey in blast off likened my undulations to be an extended stay of a similar journey. Not understanding where it was taking me, I just wanted it to stop as I was spent.

By today, we realized that what appeared to be barren had only had the alcoholic medium evaporate, and my second experience with the medicine was enough for three. While the goddess guided me through visuals that my eyes and mind had never seen, my muscle-fatigued body was ready to get off her tour, not quite understanding her message.

a frog's kiss

The waxy giant leaf or monkey frog (Phyllomedusa bicolor) is a bright green tree frog, native to the Amazon basin, whose waxy secretion has been used for its powerful emetic or purgative effects. Kambo, named after the shaman Kampu who learned about the medicine from a forest spirit to heal his tribe, has been used to eliminate toxin, increase strength and stamina, or dispersing negative energy. Thought to emit a light green glow to attract prey, it is also used to aid in hunting to reduce need for sustenance and minimize the human scent.

While the frogs are not great at hopping, they have adapted to their environment, such as climbing trees and producing the secretion which protects them from drastic temperature changes and predators. They are listed on the Least Concern on the International Union for Conservation of Nature's (IUCN) Red List. The secretion is 40 times more potent than morphine or microbicides and peptides that could help prevent HIV transmission, as well as inhibit cancer cell growth. It is also known to treat chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, herpes, Parkinson's disease, Alzheimer's, depression, hepatitis, diabetes, menopause and a host of other ailments.

As with any 'healing medicine', the results vary by person and usually provides what the person needs at that moment. Preparation required fasting all day and intake of lots of water. I was not prepared for the copious amounts of water, which resulted in my body having the shakes. The medicine is applied onto gates upon the skin, created with a hot stick which causes the top layer of the skin to blister.

As the medicine moved throughout my body, it controlled my shakes while causing my body to intensely purge. The experience was very uncomfortable, practically hugging a bucket as there was no warning for the bile and toxins seeking refuge. The denouement were drops of the intense sting of sananga to the eyes. As part of the ceremony, we returned our collective refuse to Pachamama underneath a cherry tree.

It is recommended to do kambo at least three times during a lunar cycle for the optimal results in removing toxins. However, after one session, for some, they were able to let go of some pent-up trauma. For me, it provided clarity and perspective for something that was plaguing me that day. For those in the ceremony, it was a shared experience that further connected each of us to each other and the universe. For a family that pukes together will always be connected with the dots, sealed with Dragon's Blood, signifying our badge of courage.

* * * * *

Update February 19, 2019:

Perhaps due to the bountiful rain that has finally ended the 7-year drought, the cherry tree is in full bloom, after looking as if it had been on its last legs in the last few years. However, I am sure that the offerings we provided to the Mother were returned in the blessings of the beautiful blossoms on the cherry tree.

hamster wheel

Convincing my mother to allow me to adopt one of the newborns from my teacher's children's hamster's batch of babies was probably my first lesson in negotiation skills (full circle (part 6)). One of the traumas in my life was experiencing the death of Fuzzy, which similar to full circle (part 4) resulted in my mother never allowing us to have any more pets.

Fuzzy was a gentle and loving soul. He allowed us to hold him in the palm of our hands and fall asleep while we caressed him. In hindsight, I realized that when I needed to feel love or calmness in my life, I would pick him up and hold him in such a way. For a period of my life, he was love in a world of loneliness.

At some point, I wanted Fuzzy to explore the world (of our house). I convinced my parents to get him a clear ball rather than the hamster wheel in his cage for him to run around and see different things. Perhaps his gentle spirit and having Fuzzy be one of the family resulted in his trip to run errands with my siblings and parents that ended up in his final moments without me.

In the last few months, it seemed as if the universe was giving me signs of my growth and progress. Perhaps I got too confident in the experiences that were being manifested. In a moment of truth, I finally saw how he saw me in relation to others in his life, and realized that my progress may have been a hallucination for me to have manifested someone who made me feel 'unworthy' in his eyes when I know I am not so. I now understand how Fuzzy felt in that plastic ball that allowed him to see different things but yet the reality is that he is still caged in a hamster ball and not truly running free.

triggering

It was with the intention from full circle (part 9) that I chose to approach 11:11 (part 11) from courage and vulnerability. Upon introspection from the experience in the Mojave, I realized that subconsciously I had been avoiding any reminders of my ex from moments that matter (part 6). My reaction seemed to not mirror the environment at the time perhaps from residual carryover.

In an inexplicable way though, we both seem to trigger each other for different reasons. However, I soon came to the conclusion that I am no longer that person and he is not my ex. This seemed to be the universe's calling for me to connect the dots and truly learn to balance my boundaries with unconditional love. 

Although I had moments of feeling exposed, I chose to push my comfort zones and be emotionally vulnerable. It was also my opportunity to experiment with my love language of touch with someone who spoke the same language. Feeling exposed though oftentimes left me confused. Listening to my gut and sitting in my discomfort, I voiced my confusion of trying to balance what I perceived as his need and want for intimacy with what I perceived as his desire to be free. The confusion was further exacerbated with my challenge to myself of being more intimate and letting someone in. Perhaps my actions that seemed monumental to me were not enough that would lead someone to misinterpret my actions and/or seek it from others.

It was interesting to later learn his Mars/Venus combination:

"You are not an easy lover to understand, however. You alternate between sexual adventurousness and vulnerability. Your lover will frequently wonder if it’s freedom you need most, or if closeness and intimacy are most important to you. The truth is, you need both, but it can be hard to know when you need what."

Cafe Astrology, Mars in Libra, Venus in Scorpio

During one of our 'painful' reconciliations, I experienced an intense déja vu moment where I knew I had dreamt or had visions of that exact moment. Normally, all of this would scare me and/or quickly validate reasons for me to walk away. Yet, I am a different person and rather found myself drawn like a moth to a flame.

When we were finally saying goodbye, in a moment of clarity, all I felt was love. 'I love you' does not come easily to me, even with family. Perhaps in my journey of unconditional love, it seemed so quick that I was surprised by the emotion. With the luck of fate, my voicemail did not go through and with another luck of fate, I had the opportunity to say it in person. I was initially reticent as I felt eyes burrowing onto me, but it was a door that I needed to walk through, and he made it easier when he embraced me as I said the words I needed to say. It was cathartic and genuine, and left my heart full, with no expected outcome.

We come from different worlds but have many similarities. Both of our Mars/Venus combinations note that we are both dichotomies, with balance of private and people persons, as well as warm and loving yet detached for different reasons, causing confusion for our partners.

"If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I. Then I am not I and you are not you."

Alan Watts

I believe we are both spiritual and courageous at this juncture in our lives to appreciate the triggers for the growth opportunities, so that I am I and he is he, and we both understand and appreciate the other for the polarity as we are on the same magnet - as spiritual beings having a human experience.

stepping out

Today is #WorldMentalHealthDay. Some of my favorite YouTube channels are School of Life, Ted Talks and Druglabs, as well as documentaries. It probably was not coincidental that this video, "The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown," popped up on my feed today.

When someone states 'showing up and being present' as part of their intentions (full circle (part 9)), one would think it should be a general default in life. However, in the world of technology, passive aggressiveness, flakiness, etc., the actual declaration as an intention is very powerful and valuable to someone's whose love language is Quality Time.

An experience last night made me realize that while many say 'no expectations', most do not really mean it, and have expectations to the contrary. I initially chuckled when one of the men from pig in mud (part 5) stated 'open to physical connection with no attachment to any particular outcome' as one of his intentions. The sincerity and vulnerability of stating that upfront, as well as other consistent gestures, has made me realize now that it truly came from a place of genuineness and authenticity.

Sulking and attaching guilt or shame comes from a negative space that is wishing someone some form of comeuppance, and truly not being grateful for the moment(s) and shared experience(s). It is also not from a place of vulnerability or honesty. In my quest to build my tribe, I realize the importance of not giving someone squatter's rights in tainting the beauty of moments for me.

In honor of #WorldMentalHealthDay and in the spirits of Christine Blasey Ford and Brené Brown, I chose to be exposed and vulnerable to a community that I know are not all as supportive and non-judgmental as I would wish my tribe to be. However, in sharing code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123) on Facebook, perhaps it can pivot one person's life towards the light of joy.

squatter's rights

My friends' parents split their time between Rome and Long Island now that they are retired. The father inherited an abandoned apartment in Rome that took years for the government to determine and certify the rightful heir. After putting investing in renovating the place, it is a wonderful place for them as it is conveniently located in the center of Rome within steps of Vatican City.

The apartment was in such disrepair that they had to practically gut everything and move walls and the basic layout. Squatters had used old furniture to burn on the floors of the apartment for heat. It was difficult to imagine what the place looked like prior to their renovation as its high ceilings and vintage shutters made it seem as if the apartment had such character all along.

As I traversed throughout Italy from the South to the North, I was amazed to see so many obviously abandoned homes. I have always loved houses with great bones and character, which explains why I purchased my homes in Houston and San Francisco. While I like certain modern amenities such as upgraded kitchens and bathrooms, it is rare to find high ceilings and the quality wood and materials used in the old days that withstand Mother Nature like earthquakes and hurricanes.

From the outside, I am so curious as to what resides inside these old walls as the external walls has such character that only old European homes have. Similar to California though, Italy has very liberal laws for squatters and renters. In addition, rental income is taxed at 50%. In San Francisco, many landlords may rent but do not invest in upgrade or maintenance of their properties as doing so would also increase property value and the related property taxes that would not be covered by the rental income despite the steep rental fees.

Such policies keep these properties abandoned throughout Italy as owners age and/or move but keep the property in the family rather than renovate to sell. After time, it also becomes fuzzy as to who is the true landowner as was the case with my friends' father.

As I spent more time with my friend during this trip than the entire period over the last 20+ years that I have known him, it occurred to me that like houses, we also require frequent upkeep and maintenance. While he blamed and complained about others and their effect on his confidence, the reality is that he has abandoned himself. He allowed squatters into his home. 

He justifies his negativity by complaining about people criticizing him rather than supporting and providing him advice. While I constantly had to reiterate to him that some of his friends (and family) stopped trying because he would get defensive at any advice they gave, he would try to say the words that someone (I) would want to hear rather than how he actually processed things by continuously noting that he agreed with my observations and was listening and trying to process my advice, but when asked by my 'baby sis' on his life at an attempt to get to know him, his quickly blamed me for all his problems and failures, which he later clarified upon her prompting that he should not care what others think, that everyone says the same thing about him.

At times it seems as if his reality is based on an entirely alternative universe. He oftentimes gets distracted with his phone and walks away social interactions under the guise of business. As we went to his favorite bar one night, he left us for hours as he kept himself busy playing behind the bar. The next day he comments on how it was such a great night hanging out with all my friends and the new friends we made. It left me scratching my head as everyone kept asking where he went all night.

So it came as no surprise when two men who just met him for a few hours at dinner, commented on separate occasions how he comes off as if he is hiding something. One man noted how my friend is either bored or somewhere else in his mind when the man was talking to him as his eyes were vacant to the point that it made the man uncomfortable. The other man also felt as if my friend was hiding something and not trustworthy for the man to invest significant time with him.

While he had other 'friends' coming to visit him while we were in Valdobbiadene, there were many times where I found myself entertaining his friends while he would disappear, again under the guise of business, when I knew otherwise. His alternate universe also had him believing that all his friends were having sex with all his exes as well. Although it should not have surprised me, I was amazed when he told my friends that it was because of him that one of his friends was interested in me in reclaiming the cunt (part 8), when the reality is that it was despite him.

After spending weeks trying to help a 'friend,' it occurred to me that like (wo)man in the mirror, trying to help an owner renovate an abandoned house, when the owner has chosen to abandon it himself and allow squatters to trample all over it, was a complete waste of my time and energy.

* * * * *

One of the bars in town center of Valdobbiadene is Bar Caffè Roma which probably also has the best view of the piazza and people watching festivities. I was shocked to find their restroom taking me into a time warp and for a split second, I was confused as to whether I was back in Southeast Asia. Europe, including Italy, is considered a Western and modern world. It made me wonder how much of Europe, with its old buildings, have not been upgraded and still have squat toilets in its establishments. I ended up walking out as there were no hooks or shelves to keep my personal belongings from sitting on the tiled floor. Truth be told, although it was relatively clean (compared to the ones I have experienced in Southeast Asia) (farmer's tan), I was looking for an excuse to bail as with the prosecco in my belly, it was more likely that I would have tipped over or fallen in. 😳

for whom the bell tolls

In trying to find some personal works of a new friend (reclaiming the cunt (part 8)) that he had noted was online, I chanced upon his rendition of the crash of TWA 843 when he was 11.  Like UA 93, its flight plan was from NYC to San Francisco. On the eve of 9/11, it seemed too similar to be completely coincidental, especially after he told me how he had to change his flight for a business trip to Hong Kong from Sunday to Tuesday. It then hit me that Tuesday would be 9/11. The terrorism that plagued the Twin Towers in 2001 was also on a Tuesday.

In May, I decided that it was finally time to visit Freedom Tower and the 9/11 Memorial and Museum. For years I had avoided the area every time I visited NYC but after full circle (part 7), I felt mentally ready. Had I not been there with some foreign friends, I probably would have spent a longer time to process everything, but it was for the best that I did not as it was time to move forward from the moment. 

While there was much controversy during the last decade on the entire rebuilding and memorial that caused it to be delayed, I think they did as best as they could to make it a touching and respectful tribute to the lives lost. This includes putting a white rose next to a victim's name on his/her birthday, as well as a wall with a quote from Virgil that separates the museum from the vault where they have placed the remains of nearly 8,000 unidentified human remains. The quote is not without controversy itself as some questioned it in the context of its original intent vs. the meaning that the museum's creators wanted to relay. In its original context, it would apply more to the terrorists than the victims. 

At the time, one of the most haunting visions for me was a photo of an unknown person who jumped from the building to escape the burning heat of the fire from the planes. Many of my coworkers who were at the office that day have nightmares from seeing people dropping from the sky in person. It was not a surprise to see that there was an alcove with a video tribute to these bold men and women who made such a difficult decision in how to die, especially since it is said that burning to death is the most painful way to die. It was the only place in the museum that had a big box of tissues at the end with a trashcan full of used tissues.

To think that there are children, including those who are a year away from adulthood, who were not  even alive then. However, the death toll and aftermath of the event continues. Experts estimate that by the end of this year, there will be more deaths from the health issues of the first responders and those who lived near Ground Zero than there were from the initial terror act itself. One of my close friends has been approved to receive 9/11 funds for health issues. While she was on her honeymoon in Italy on 9/11, she and her husband lived across the street from the Twin Towers.

While they were frustrated that they could not access their apartment for months, they have now regretted moving back as soon as the government cleared people to do so. They are convinced that they lost their first child because of the toxins in the air. Doctors could not pinpoint why they had to make a very difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy; however, the autopsy, while inconclusive, showed evidence of holes in lungs and other deformities that confirmed the necessity to do so.

Now, she is left with respiratory, sinus and joint problems that has her going to numerous specialists without an end in sight. The museum had a section at the end dedicated to the first responders and the voluminous health issues plaguing the first responders afterwards. Perhaps because it is so close to home for me and impacting a love one so significantly, I felt that the tribute was insufficient. The creators of the museum could take a page out of the museum in Hiroshima (boom of the 'shrooms) dedicated to the victims of the atomic bombs in its coverage of the continuing effects of such human tragedy.