reclaiming the cunt (part 5)

Jealousy has always been an interesting emotion to me. I have experienced envy but not really jealousy. Many probably use the terms interchangeably but I believe there are distinct differences. Turns out that psychologists generally agree that there is a straightforward distinction in that envy stems from a lack of desired attribute enjoyed by another whereas jealousy comes from a threat by a third person for something the person views as a possession. A two-party vs three-party situation. Jealousy, in a sense, contains a sense of "inferiority" in the concept that the rival is enviable.

In hindsight, I am thankful that I was a late bloomer, as I have no doubt that given my upbringing and the insecurities that resulted from my mother (unanswered prayers, moments that matter (part 3) and full circle (part 3)) and "bullies" (full circle (part 4)), I most likely would have been caught up in the normal templates of jealousy. Like depression (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)), jealousy can be one of those self-fulfilling prophecies where one can continuously dig the hole deeper when attaching it to external validation rather than working on internal strength. 

Towards the end of my first relationship (moments that matter (part 6)), I was confounded by the constant arguments about jealousy as he viewed jealousy to be directly correlated with love. My retort had always been that jealousy to me means that either 1) I did not trust someone, which would inherently make any third party a threat; or 2) I am insecure and viewed myself as "inferior" to any third party. He never had a response when I asked him to choose which emotion he thought I should adopt in order to be jealous.

My ex had always cheated on every relationship that he was in. He was one of those that probably could never be alone and would only end one relationship if he had another one to default to. The reality is that both emotions were his projection of his own view of his "self". His validation was in the relationships and partners he had. I do not have strong feelings on the institution of marriage because I have felt that someone choosing on a daily basis to wake up next to me was a stronger commitment than feeling an obligation to be there because of a piece of paper. Freedom (the truth shall set you free), rather than possession, is the foundation of any healthy relationship, whether friendship or life partner.

The obvious templates of jealousy are romantic relationships; however, I have also had the misfortune (or perhaps fortune as I have been able to weed out true friends from such experiences) from women who have sabotaged potential male interests in me during my early adulthood (face of the girl (part 1)) as well as in professional life (to err is human, to forgive, divine). The notable ones were my best friend and my roommate. Both initially had crushes on men who were interested in me. In my naïveté and inexperience, I trusted their advice, which turned out was to further separate me from the men. One used the "confidant with inside information" to get closer to her crush. While I was not interested in him, she pushed me to date him in order for him to trust her more, so that she would be the person he turned to in order to console him. 

The other knew that he was not interested in her and at a certain period, she had a boyfriend; however, she felt that if she could not "get" him, then nobody she knew should either. For some reason, that I never understood, she sabotaged other potential interests in me, even though the entire time she had a live-in boyfriend. It was probably the beginning of the end of their relationship when he felt bad for me and clued me in, as it was one of those things they always had arguments on. When both found out that I discovered the truth, both avoided me entirely so we never had any discussion/confrontation, and their avoidance served as an acknowledgement of the truth in their deception.

Perhaps because of these, I have never wanted any relationship enough to cause me to resort to such darkness and possessiveness. If I ever got such inklings, it would generally frighten me enough to walk away, as it would represent something dysfunctional about them. While I used to be very envious of couples, I have learned over time that perception is not usually reality, and with social media, some people spend exorbitant efforts in trying to mask their realities by presenting the world with a falsehood that they hope others would validate for them. Now, I catch myself at times smiling and genuinely feeling happiness for them, even if it is a perception or a momentary part of their lives. I find gestures of love such sweet moments of bliss.

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Interestingly enough, the professional "honorable mention" was also someone I considered a close work friend; however, it would seem as if she took the strategy of "keep your enemies closer". She was the only woman in a group of men in the energy industry (and was mentioned in Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room), and as it would appear, fed off of that attention over the years. I initially was not a threat as I was considered an "interloper" until over time I gained respect from the others. As we progressed, both she and I were given leadership roles, yet somehow an interesting thing about some women is their view that there is a quota when it comes to women in leadership positions rather than cracking the glass ceiling for others. 

Her role allowed her a seat at the table with executives where it seemed as if she took advantage of those situations to execute her agenda. I was warned by our leader's administrative assistant who was privy to certain communications, which was later validated by the leader when I confronted him, and even he thought her "smear campaign" was rather odd. The individual in to err is human, to forgive, divine, who was "manipulated by others," was actually influence/manipulated by her boyfriend.

While I had historically been focused on my personal accomplishments during my early career, she is probably my main motivation for "cracking the glass ceiling" for others and bringing other women with me. It resulted in my active leadership roles in women initiative programs to instill confidence and executive presence in our ladies. I chose Hackbright Academy for my coding prep class because of its primary objective of increasing women representation in tech. 

Her trajectory has fizzled out. Leadership has continued to push me to take on additional leadership roles that I have continued to decline. I prefer to do my own thing and focus my energy on empowering other women to embrace their full potential. Women have plenty of obstacles without creating our own. As pussy riots have shown, the collective is stronger than the sum of the parts (and definitely exponentially more powerful than the individual).