Death is an interesting thing. For many of us, we spend our entire lives fearing it. For some of us, we seem to think it will reunite us with our 'forever person'. Perhaps that is why there are countless stories about elderly couples or family members who die shortly after the other, called the 'broken heart syndrome'. Think Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds or June Carter and Johnny Cash. Todd Fisher, Reynold's son, noted that she had said she wanted to be with Carrie, but clarified that rather from a broken heart, she had chosen to be with her daughter as she didn't want Carrie to be alone.
"The spirit of June Carter overshadows me tonight with the love she had for me and the love I have for her. We connect somewhere between here and Heaven. She came down for a short visit, I guess, from Heaven to visit with me tonight to give me courage and inspiration like she always has. She's never been one for me except courage and inspiration. I thank God for June Carter. I lover her with all my heart."
~ Johnny Cash (July 5, 2003)
During my time on this island, death seems to be a reminder of the cycle of life. Today, the current owner of a property that my friend/roommate is purchasing had to put her Cleo down. Cleo was so spritely when I met her at a dinner party a couple of weeks ago. About to start a new adventure in Oahu, she was her mistress' companion and a connection to a past that she was going to leave behind...only to now leave her mistress to venture on her own.
And then for a small minority, we see it as salvation from unbearable pain. My roommate learned last week while we were at the Magic Sands Beach in Kona that his friend had an episode and committed suicide. They had just spoken the day it happened, which serves as a very potent reminder that we never know what is going on with others no matter how close we think we are to them.
Yoon Se-Ri was a reminder to her stepmother (Han Jeong-yeon) of her failure as a woman and wife, blaming herself for her husband's affair. For the longest time, I was convinced that I was my father's 'love child' from his military days as some rationalization to what appeared to be my mother's 'hatred' for me (full circle (part 3)).
"Ever since that day, there's a chilling night sea in my heart. And the sun never shines on that sea. No matter how many times I counted, the sun never showed up. And you never came back.
Ever since then, one thought lingered in my mind...'Why did I come to this world and turn my mom's life into a living hell? It would've been better had I not been born. I feel sorry for breathing."
~ Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode 12)
Se-Ri went to Switzerland in search of assisted suicide (CLoY - Episode 2), feeling as she had no home to return to. In Episode 9, she shares with Ri Jeong-Hyeok when they realize that the song that she heard on the lake that kept her alive was one he wrote and played on the piano while waiting for his transport.
"That day, I was really lonely. I truly wished to die then. I wanted to go to a beautiful place and quietly disappear so I didn't trouble anybody. That's why I went there [Iseltwald on Lake Brienz]. But you were ... there. Even when you didn't know it, you saved my life."
Many believe that those who choose to take their own lives are selfish, and perhaps in some way, not wanting to be thought of as a selfish person was one reason why I didn't go through with it (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)).
"You know the thing about suicide...you don't just kill yourself. You kill every memory of you. This will be all everyone remembers, Jamie. Every second you spend on this Earth will be reduced to how you chose to leave it. No one will mourn your loss, son, because this isn't losing your life. This is quitting it.
... I won't let you. Because it's selfish! It's the single most selfish thing a person can do!
Your grandfather used to say that you can't fix a broken wagon wheel. But you can use the parts to make a new one."
~ John Dutton (Yellowstone - Season 2, Episode 7)
Having been on both sides of this coin, I think that the expanse between those struggling mentally and those like Dutton et al. can be too wide a gap to bridge in some instances. I often hear the living postulating why the person didn't seek help or give any indications of their situation. Yet, in many cases, they do or did. Sometimes it is ignored, sometimes it is minimized or often times, I think people just don't want or know how to deal with it, hoping someone else is stepping in.
Aren't those blaming the person for being selfish in reality the selfish ones? Aren't they hoping the person stays alive for their own sake, at the cost of the pain and anguish of the individual? We don't want them to die so that we don't have to deal with grief and loss as we go about our everyday lives. Yet, we haven't stepped into the shoes of that person's everyday life to understand the suffering, the voices, the hallucinations and the loneliness. As with Se-Ri, death seems like a solution to not continue to burden those you love.
While the stepmother left Se-Ri alone on the beach (saudade (part 2)), she couldn't have been too far away as she somehow had observed Se-Ri counting (CLoY - Episode 4). While the sun may not have been visible to Se-Ri, the sun was reflecting on the moon as the light in the sky. Similar to Se-Ri, birthdays were a source of unhappy memories for me (full circle (part 6)). Although I have recently tried to change the energy by finding a new experience every birthday (with new templates...the party continues), the taint still lingers like survivor's guilt after 9/11 (carpe diem).
"Next year, the year after that, and even the one after that, will all be good. Because I'll be thinking about you. I'll be grateful that you were born into this world. I'll be grateful that the person I love is still breathing. That's why your birthday will always be a good day."
~ Ri Jeong-Hyeok (CLoY - Episode 12)
No longer having social media to remind people of birthdays has significantly reduced the birthday wishes to a handful of friends and family. As an annual ritual, I'm not sure that he (moments that matter (part 6)) is grateful that I was born but at least for a brief moment, someone is thinking about me.
Whether it was in Switzerland on the piano or in the market place with a candle (saudade (part 2)), Jeong-Hyeok represented the sun on the sea when there was the cry, silent or not. Sometimes it is being in the right place, at the right time. While one may have taken the wrong train (to infinity and beyond), it turns out to be the right train for one to be on for someone else (hug it out). What we may rationalize as pure coincidence is the interconnectedness of the university, with a single point of infinite density and time continuum. Se-Ri echoed that time in my life ...
"Back then, I didn't want to live. I thought it'd be nice to spend my final moments in a place with beautiful scenery. But during the trip, I realized that I did not want to die. I just didn't want to live. I just needed some consolation. I'd never live the kind of life where I could be loved by those whom I love, but I still wanted to hear someone say that I could live and that I must keep on living.
And right at that moment, that melody started playing as if it was the answer to my prayer. 'You can live. You must get through this.' It gave me solace."
~ Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode 7)
"I'll see you around if fate allows."
~ Gu Seung-jun (CLoY - Episode 4)
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