full circle (part 1)

I believe I have figured out the purpose of our last reunion starting in September 2014. Prior to that, I was able to convince myself that any connection and chemistry I felt was all on my side, and thus in my head. When we were at Bourbon and Branch, it was the first time that either and both of us acknowledged that there was something very natural about our awkward situation. Understanding that it may be more mutual than not apparently brought down some protective walls for me. I had always thought I was open rather than guarded in any relationship (although a stranger did allude to such in ftale), and perhaps the male spirit (22) protecting me had me believing as such. But when it seemed as if it was finally coming together, I became more vulnerable than I have ever been before.

So after a beautiful and magical time in Koh Samui when there were some odd synchronicities/signs (bubble of bliss), my fears came rushing back when he went off the grid, as it seemed as if we were going backwards again. I got impatient and questioned divinity all over again, convinced that spirits were laughing at my expense. I overanalyzed to the extremes, reminiscent of when I was in my 20s, which after our first meeting, I had vowed to carpe diem (cougartown). Then in my self destructive stage when I threw caution to the wind and pushed my boundaries of vulnerability, the lost 13 year-old came back, not once, twice but three times until something intervened (22 and moments that matter (part 2)). She's never really shown up in prior relationships so it seemed so unusual for her to rear her ugly head in such fleeting relationships.

I believe that in this year of letting go and focusing on ME, I am guided towards working on my fear of feeling unwanted. I had avoided that in the past by never putting myself in situations where others made me feel that way, whether family, work, friendships or romantic relationships. Yet, I find myself having no choice but to confront a twin flame/soulmate/whatever-you-want-to-call-it situation where he comes in and out of my life making me feel as if I'm home where I should always be, simply by the sound of his voice, yet feeling as if I'm being pushed away and "unwanted" all in the same breath.

Perhaps in order to move forward, we are meant to go backwards to the very beginning to release the karmic ties that bind us.