barbie world

During my month in Bali, I traveled mostly with women in their 20s and 30s - all in the fitness industry, with most of them there for an aerialist training. Social media is a primary source of their livelihood, a medium to recruit clients to their OnlyFans or fitness profiles. The best editing apps or filters on Instagram or Tiktok were common topics. I found myself chronicling more of my travel on Instagram this time around, with friends encouraging me to do so as they enjoy keeping tabs on my experiences. 

It was interesting to learn the 'tricks of the trade' - the positions, the lighting, the angles, etc. that brings out one's best look. Perhaps at some point it becomes second nature but it seemed a lot of work to me, when it appeared to kill so much time getting the right Instagram photo or video. Everything was 'insta' - insta-weight loss, insta-abs, insta-booty, insta-contouring, insta-teeth whitener, insta-full lips ... 

In a world of insecurities, envy and FOMO, conforming to be the 'standard' or 'norm' was a rat race to the bottom of mental health. In Vietnam, I found myself being curious of establishments where I would see a number of people taking pictures as some memento, only to find out that there was nothing special about the place other than it being 'Instagrammable'. The Vibes is a multi-event venue that was designed specifically with this in mind. The atmosphere, the plating, etc. are photo-perfect but the food, drinks and service make it clear that what is reflected in the prices are the photo ops.

During my walks, I frequently ran into duos/trios with trash bags of clothes and jewelry, oftentimes with tags still on them, doing photo shoots with their smartphones. It reminded me of my time in Bali, spending time waiting for my travel companions to plan their daily outfits and/or hair and makeup. While we may all be aware of the filters and editing that goes on, we all seem to have some dissonance with the illusion and reality.

BDC (synchronicity (part 2)) would say that he preferred natural beauty yet he would also spend countless hours scrolling through social media or dating apps with FOMO of the illusory women. He had issues with partners, including me, on our wardrobe either not being sexy enough or too sexy. Despite his protests, I knew he had an issue with my age, and as with any of his other 'conquests', I was just a story for him. 

Being around the women on the other side of his screen, I found myself intrigued by that world. It was empowering that a woman could make over 100Gs catering to these men's delusions. Men paying to fly some of the OnlyFans women for a 'vacation' and yet somehow telling themselves and others that they don't pay for sex was an 'alternative fact'. He was convinced that when he paid for an OnlyFans person to rate his dick, it somehow was sincere and not canned, primarily because of a reference to a delay in doing so. They laughed and explained to me that it was part of their bag of tricks to add to the delusion.

I did find myself feeling self-conscious with his issue on my age as I was traveling with them. I tried the filters, which (perhaps the universe intervening) didn't work on my Instagram, and the photo edit apps that seemed to just be such time suckers to my being in the moment and experiencing Bali and its people. Clearly practice makes perfect as they seem to be able to do all of that much more efficiently, and I will have to say, the results were sometimes amazing. 

I think a healing moment for me though was when new friends (young 20s) were discussing the age of my travel companion who is in her late 30s and struggles with a lot of insecurities including body image. I was torn whether to remain silent or not. In the end, I spoke up, having to reveal my age to provide context and speak on her behalf. In the patriarchal world where men are admired for the 'salt and pepper looks', feminine empowerment should include women supporting each other (spiritual masters) as we are on a continuum of a similar aging cycle. They were humbled and had spoken boldly as they had made the assumption that I was just a bit older than them (early 30s). Age in the end is just a number that for many is used to 'bully' others into their insecurities.

Greta Gerwig's Barbie attempts interlace the zeitgeist of the modern era to redeem the unrealistic standard of perfection that added to the sexist and misogynistic view of women as 'eye-candy'. Having an existential crisis, Barbie enters the real world and somehow learns the importance of inner beauty. Over its six plus decades, Barbie has been revamped with various careers as some inspiration for girls; however, it took 57 years for its body shape to change in 2016. She is still Caucasian (the quest for snow white), despite a majority of the world being Asian. While Ken is just Ken, Barbie still epitomizes the expectation that a woman be 'everything' with stellar look, career woman, silent partner and perfect mother - all at the same time, feeding into the delusions of men like BDC and incels.

Barbie has Barbie learning about self-love and Ken learning self-awareness. While there are debates and cultural wars on this movie, it is more about humanism and the choices we have in life, including empowerment, and the choice of using it from love or from fear, including enabling illusions that keep us from our own truths.

laying on of hands

Perhaps in clearing the cobwebs of recurring themes of unwantedness and hidden (saudade (part 5)), it exposed a deeper wound of security (bluebird); yet, his contradictory actions at the end had me wondering (synchronicity (part 2)) where this would take me and what is to be learnt. While the presence of the raven (bubble of bliss, blossoming, and saudade (part 6)) seemed to represent some masculine protection, I had never consciously thought that I felt 'unsafe' until being overwhelmed with feeling emotionally safe during bluebird.

I have minor experiences with reiki as a clearing of energy before medicinal healing sessions such as 5-MeO-DMT (blast off), but have never tried a dedicated reiki session although I had thought about becoming a licensed reiki healer. I have discussed being a part of a healing center over the years with a number of people, including a friend who had moved back to Vietnam from Singapore. We had last connected prior to CoVID when I was planning on relocating to Vietnam for a few years. 

Unlike Bali or Thailand where individuals go looking for healing during their spiritual journeys, Mandala Wellness is in a country where modalities like osteopathy, hypnosis, and reiki are foreign to the locals. As with the Law of Attraction and devoting one's energy into one's passion, somehow practitioners and clients seemed to find their way to the center. I had wanted to try new modalities, hoping to clear any stuck energy that may have resided around my shoulders and elsewhere in my body from emotional traumas I had processed. 

Elsa first studied reiki in 2008 in order to help manage her own anxieties, eventually utilizing it as a tool to help family and friends. Like the empath from 22, she was able to 'see' beyond my energy field, perhaps some memories of what my body held, in addition to moving the energy in the reiki session. Noting that my third eye (sixth chakra) is very active is a testament to my spiritual growth over the years and honing in on my connection with the spiritual self/world.

The crown chakra (seventh chakra), represented by the color violet, has come up in my QHHT (leap of faith) and Christmas 'trip' (violet goddess). She saw an image of my 2-4 year old self crying  and reaching out while seeing someone take my father away. At my root chakra (first chakra), she saw lots of energy flowing there with an imbalance, indicating needs of reassurance or concerns about safety, whether financially or physically, and unclear idea about family and home. 

Energetically, the seventh chakra has a connection with the first chakra as they represent the extremities of the chakra system. That image from my crown chakra was my enlightened self giving me a clue about the imbalance in my root chakra, which came up in bluebird and synchronicity (part 2). My father (full circle (part 3), full circle (part 5), and full circle (part 8)) was in the South Vietnamese Navy at that age, resulting in us becoming 'boat people' as we fled the country. He could have been pulled away to go to war or at the refugee camps when they separated us into barracks. In addition to the war and even as a latch key kid, being responsible for my siblings (full circle (part 8)), there was a lot weighing on my shoulders at an early age that would naturally contribute to concerns of safety.

In what I had thought was a lesson in blossoming to receive, in actuality, it seems as if it was the start to balancing the pendulum of independency and learning to let go and allow others the opportunity to be a partner in my safe haven, truly creating the 'home' to no longer need the self-protection that was erected in childhood (safe haven), always having to rely on my self ... the lingering responsibility and burden that had remained stuck in my shoulders.

The sacral chakra (second chakra) embodies our 'own dwelling' where sensuality, emotions, creativity and intimacy resides. She had me giggling when she recounted the 20 something me excitedly playing hide and seek in a very child-like manner, in front of some figure in the shape of a giant mushroom or cauliflower floret. While I still haven't figure out the symbolism of the giant figure, it still brings a delighted smile to my face with her visual, especially with deep connections and pleasure being such a heart focus to my current journey. In line with connections with others, she also received the message that my path shows fulfillment relating to counseling or coaching others, perhaps in the area of mindfulness/life.

While she noted that she cleared a lot of the energy that I noted in my shoulders, she also detected a hesitancy over my throat (fifth) and heart (fourth) chakras, highlighting that I have not addressed whether and when I would have children. For a second, I was surprised that this came up until I remembered a moment a few months before. While I have thirteen frozen eggs somewhere in North Carolina (22 and kissing my boo boos), I had always viewed it as an insurance policy in case I had a partner who wanted children. I had been indifferent yet always knew I'd be an excellent mother. I cannot explain the times though even in the last few years when the time came to renew the storage term, I never doubted for a second when I opted to continue to keep them rather than donate them to research.

In the midst of in the NOW, he had once joked that we should have a baby. It seemed foremost in his mind during his processing of his past relationship which a mutually-agreed upon abortion was the beginning of an end when both started to individually have misgivings about their decision. I did not put much thought on my reaction at the time, but it was the first time in my life where I answered 'yes' internally while laughing externally at his spontaneity. For the first time, rather than evaluating the quality of the father in answering that question, I just knew as a mother. It was just a fleeting feeling and moment, and I never thought about it again.

After the session, I waved it off as a curiosity, similar to astrology, numerology, fortune tellers or tarot cards...another potential sign but nothing definitive. Quite frankly, I did not know where to start in addressing that. I started thinking about how excited I was to get my puppy (baby girl), which then led me to the acknowledgement that I was already starting roots and building my own family with a puppy. Was this also connected to what she observed in my root chakra about uncertainty of family? Was it connected to safety and allowing others to be part of that?

The time spent with Kai (11:11 (part 14), bluebird and baby girl) where his parents allowed me to be another mother to him or Harry and Archie for over a month in Vietnam had me not only exposed to 'mothering' children 24/7 but also to pregnant mothers. I had decided to give it six months or so with my new puppy to see how my life changes before broaching the topic again, knowing I would be happy to go down this path alone. Only then, did I mention it to another soul, who suggested we go see our dear old 'fortune teller' (11:11 (part 6)) as a fun curiosity before our trip to Hoi An. 

Needless to say, while the couple of other times that I've gone with my friends as a mindless hangover ritual, she has been fairly accurate with what she saw of our lives 1-2 years out, my 'future' could easily be viewed as generic to 'dating' highs and lows. This time though without any prompting with a specific question to ask her, she highlighted synchronicity (part 2), and was very specific to the baby boy with a father with blue eyes that will 'love me more than I love him' which is the Vietnamese way of saying he will be 'taking care of me' and being that trusted partner in our haven and home. 

As I marveled at the beauty of Mother Earth and the magic of the universe (twilight), another thing Elsa underscored as my source of self-care and recharging, I felt the calmness and miracle of all past, present and future connecting right at that moment in time in that specific spot in the ocean.

twilight

I have always appreciated the beauty in sunrises and sunsets (a taste of heaven and puffs of cotton). But it wasn't until the time that I have spent in Hawaii over the last year (to infinity and beyond) that I started to explore the magic in the Sun's crepuscular rays. During my month in Oahu last spring, we would try to catch sunset everyday at the Maunalua Bay Beach during our evening walks with Pele.

Canggu, Bali

While in Hilo on the Big Island, the sunrises (11:11 (part 13)) beaming through my bedroom's sliding door served as the rooster's crow to greet the day. But in Kona, it seemed a ritual for many, whether floating on surfboards, lounging in sand or standing cliffside, it was a siren song that bewitched locals and tourists alike to watch in silence and awe as the hues dynamically displayed its vastness across the horizon. Sometimes, one would even get a glimpse of dolphins and whales frolicking in the distance or a sea turtle basking on the rocks.

No matter how the day unfolded, we never regretted packing up the car to chase the sunset in Kona. With the feet grounded in sand and skin absorbing the ions of the salt in the air and ocean, the experiences were always calming to the senses and provided a reset to the energy. Some of our best self-facilitated therapy sessions occurred after we returned from sunsets.

Gili Trawangan, Bali

Yet, it isn't often that one can find a location, other than high above in the mountains where both sunrises and sunsets grace the sky like puffs of cotton or to infinity and beyond. While in Bali, it seemed as if we could catch one or the other but not both, until we got to Gili Trawangan Island where we could rent bicycles to explore the other side of the island. Meeting a group of aerialists while in Ubud had me stumbling into my first aerial yoga class during sunset at the aptly named, Sunset Beach Yoga.

Sanur, Bali

With almost a month this time around, I was able to explore more of the beauty of the Balinese culture and people since eat, pray, love. Snorkeling in the Gilis while on a local concoction of magic mushrooms allowed our eyes to see the vivid colors fauna and creatures of the ocean. Like last time though, I was mistaken for a local Balinese a few times, affording me the opportunity to enjoy the benefits of being a local as well. I was happy that our last night was at the tip of Bali, one of the few places to enjoy both sunrises and sunsets, and as I flew out the following evening, I was blessed with my final sunset on Bali from the porthole of the plane as we were taking off.

* * * * *

I have paddle boarded a number of times in my life, primarily in the calm waters of lakes like Lake Tahoe or bays. With no daylight savings time, sunrise was a little after 5 AM, requiring a meet up time of 4:30 AM. So a sunrise paddle boarding excursion in the ocean was less than ideal for this night owl. But in the wee hours with the moon lighting my way, the East Vietnam Sea off the coast of Hoi An was as calm as lake waters. I went out further than I had planned, being lured towards the Cu Lao Cham Island, in the direction of the rising sun. We were not alone out in the expanse of the ocean, with the local fishermen rowing their basket boats out to check their nets, with one elated to share news of the few crabs that landed in his net that morning.

Perhaps because of the atmosphere that day, the sunrise was full of red, yellows and oranges, even before and after its peak at 5:19 AM. The brisk sea air, the undulations of the ocean, the hues in the horizon, and the titillating energy all around took me back (or forward) to the breathtaking minutes at a taste of heaven. I lost all track of time and awareness of anything else around me. It was perhaps the visuals that could have corresponded with the vibrations and energy I felt during my 5-MeO-DMT journeys (blast off).

It took me awhile to finally hear the sounds of my paddle board companions as they were calling out to me to not go out much further. We stayed out there for another hour or so, connecting with strangers (with one being a marine biologist) and discussing the miracles of life that humans have not acquired the knowledge to explain ... quantum physics, space-time continuum of a block universe (in the NOW) ... and in the end, we all agreed that we would choose to believe in magic and miracles.

As we got back to shore, there was so much activity, with some enjoying the beach for recreation and sport before the heat of the day became scorching and unbearable. It would seem as my friends were accurate when they said that the locals enjoy the beach and town before 8 AM and after 5 PM. According to them, the only people you see on the beach in between are the foreign tourists.

Hoi An happens to be one of those spots where one can catch sunrises and sunsets because of its topography. On the bridge in Old Town, without the obstructions of buildings or mountains, the locals gather before dusk to bid adieu to the brightest star in our skies.

* * * * *

While I knew that the lack of sun in recent decades has resulted in many illnesses and diseases, I have since learned of the benefits of the crepuscular rays to our bodies. At the low horizon, the sun's spectrum of light travels through more of the atmosphere, creating alternating bands of light with the highest contrast of blue and yellow lights. This contrast stimulates the photosensitive cells in the eyes, which in turn, is important to eye health and effects the hypothalamus pituitary parts of the brain, regulating not only the body's circadian rhythm but also hormones, impacting everything from metabolism to nervous system. Adjusting to the sunrise, sunset, Earth's vibrations and meal times of a location is one way to combat jet lag.

So not only are sunrises and sunsets music to our souls, they are driving forces to our bodies and health. Therein lies another magic and miracle of the universe. 

self-love

It occurred to me today that the disconnect with what I have been feeling for practically all my life and ftale has been the disconnect of trying to emulate (or envying) the relationships I see around me (pig in mud (part 1) and reclaiming the cunt (part 5)) when they, in fact, are not the ones I have been manifesting and praying for (a clue I had touched upon in 11:11 (part 5)), much like the lesson from when it rains, it pours and the realization that when they all presented themselves, none were ones I had wanted to return to. I have something more magical, steeped in interdependence, curiosity, new experiences and adventures, and unconditional love - one that creates a nurturing home for growth and strong, kind, loving free-spirited humans and animals. Something I have been blessed to have 'snippets' of what that feeling would be like, down to the blue eyes (bubble of bliss and moments that matter (part 2)).

Ironically, a reiki session on his birthday gave me clues as to synchronicity (part 2) occurring, despite initial hesitations and red flags that would have me running. While not his true 'self' that I knew, the version of his 'self' that he presented was a potent reminder of everything I did not want (it was the "big ol' stubborn problem"), but in this lesson, I had the clarity to see that it was from his own fears, rather than mine, when I was able to show up authentically and in alignment with my 'self', allowing me to see the other side of familiar themes to see the 'truth' in them, enabling me to close the loops and patterns. 

At the same time, a couple of unconscious ones were uncovered whereby my 2-4 year-old self may hold the key to unlocking the next door in my journey (synchronicity (part 2)). While my initial reaction was to fight to be heard and not misunderstood, I soon learned that those in lower vibrations do not want to hear or understand and only want to see what validates their own fears, a lesson the universe allowed me to practice a newfound tool to stay true to my self (stone skipping (part 13)). 

While being misunderstood has been a thorn that has turned into a fly to be shooed away, learning about personality types and how communication is given and/or received was a pivotal tool (stone skipping (part 6), surprising inspiration and taxing time) to removing the thorn. Upon reflection as I'm writing this, the only time I did not feel the need to explain myself was during those 'snippets', and perhaps holds another key to the door. What seemed so 'easy' may be the emotional safe haven he provided that I did not recognize beyond my fears and insecurities at the time (bluebird).

My new tattoo from Bali was a reminder to stay true to my own alignment after synchronicity (part 2). Yet, it would seem to have a deeper meaning after all, and perhaps why it was an immediate thought to place it above the vein (vena amoris) that connects the heart to the ring finger and lines up when placing the hand/wrist next to the heart. It has been a lifelong pattern of taking care, and prioritizing the need/wants, of others (beach angel and full circle (part 8)), including the men in my life. 

A recent session with what's your sign? and 11:11 (part 6) reinforced this next chapter's focus of self-care is self-love, and in so doing, allowing myself to be loved. Rather than looking for people who didn't understand me, or rather didn't want to understand me, as some validation of feeling low and unloved, it is in loving my self and staying true to my vibration (synchronicity (part 2) and stone skipping (part 13)) - recognizing the self-sabotaging behavior, and changing the pattern to gravitate towards those who have the desire and curiosity to understand, and thereby, feeling safe to truly allow love in. The wish...the dream...wasn't for any love, as I have experienced various forms, even some that I had thought I used to 'envy'. 

Yet in that safe haven that I felt in his presence, I realize that somehow I did not feel unloved (or at least, silenced the negative self-talk because I did not feel the desire to have someone who already understood me to understand me) and for those 'snippets', allowed it to align with my soul. The universe had provided me clues all along through him, and yet, only now am I able to 'see'. 

heart beats

Traveling again, especially to less developed countries, makes COVID seem like an episode of the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror. While some still wear masks, most are doing so to protect from the smog and pollution, especially when the primary mode of transportation is motorbikes. While many in my circle, including myself, contracted COVID, with some, as many as four+ times, luckily, none passed away from it.

But what will never fully be quantified will be the deaths that occurred because of COVID's impact in the world, from logistics/economy (e.g., overtaxed medical system, inability to get food and resources to those in need due to transportation and/or financial constraints) to mental health (e.g., depression, broken relationships, stress). The huge demand for emotional support animals also resulted in the unfortunate abandonment of such furry friends when life adjusted to a new normal, ranging from an increase of 25% in places like England to 50% in India. 

At the same time, in a country where animals were generally kept for functional purposes (e.g., security or rodent management), I was surprised and elated to see how pets are now being treated in Vietnam, with a significant increase in pet clinics/veterinarians, groomers, boarders, and even cat cafes for people to pay to spend time with the kitties. Walking past a Vietnamese man sitting on a little stool at a local street cafe cuddling and talking to his canine pal made my heart smile. Of course, the experience made me think of baby girl, followed by the excitement of the imminent adoption of her kin.

While I had wished I had captured the loving scene for my IG stories (a new way to catalog my travels), I was happy to just be present. Seeing an IG message from an old high school friend, who had shared that she had been enjoying my travel 'stories', I was saddened to hear the passing of my prom 'date' the day before. He had died of a heart attack in his sleep. He marks the third man in my circle and age group, with the other two being college classmates, who have been victims of the leading cause of deaths in the US since the start of the pandemic. Another close friend who was a surrogate father at a point in my life also succumbed to the disease; however, he was older and had a history battling the disease.

Unlike with the 'surrogate father', there was no warning, and perhaps with the stresses of the pandemic, it became the silent killer that we can't prepare for. When I had gotten word that Jay (22 and 11:11 (part 10)) passed right before Christmas 2020, intermixed with the initial shock was a smile and a knowing that Jay had beat us all in accomplishing his life's dream, that kept us up late at night for hours just connecting and talking about all the complexities of life. I knew that where I may have missed my initial train (11:11 (part 10)), Jay made his. I still feel Jay with me at times, as recently as saudade (part 6).

I knew that most news happen in Facebook, so upon hearing the news about my prom 'date', I temporarily reinstated Facebook, something I had deleted since the pandemic, to find that the news of his passing had not made it there yet. However, it was with a happy yet saudade heart that I soon discovered that he recently got married in December 2022. We weren't really in contact since high school, as I left a lot of that trauma behind for me. But when I had joined Facebook in late 2008, he found me and had messaged me to see how I was doing. We must have kept in touch sporadically after that as I have his contact information. In looking at our Facebook messenger chat, the next and last time we had contact was before the pandemic, when I had sent him a YouTube video on 'Twin Flames/Soulmates/Divine Partners - Searching For Answers', it must have been in response to a post he had as my intro was 'this may help you'.

As with Jay, I knew Steven had finally realized his dream. Much like Helen in Sliding Doors, he met his boo. He had struggled so long to come out of the closet and find 'home'. It seems fitting that it is also Pride Month, which although there still isn't a parade in Ho Chi Minh City to commemorate it, there are more visible signs including companies supporting and sponsoring activities around the city. It brings me such peace to know that for all of these men in my life, they were surrounded by love when their hearts stopped beating.

* * * * *

Update August 20, 2023:

At the age of 33, her heart also stopped in the middle of the night. As a pre-teen, she was diagnosed with long QT syndrome that caused her parents to pull her out of soccer which she loved. As an adult, she made the decision to live life and not let the condition debilitate her. Skydiving for her was not only defying gravity but also her genetic predisposition. She forgave easily and loved fully. Her family gifted me her last creation that had a special meaning to her, from the careful curation of the gemstones for their meaning and her favorite colors to her spirit animal that contain three hearts and nine brains, one in each tentacle and the biggest brain-to-body ratio of the invertebrates, making it one of the most intelligent marine species.

My Octopus Teacher brought us into their worlds, showing us the ability for these colorful creatures to form relationships with humans. While known to be solitary creatures, scientists are recently discovering the complexity of their ability to form relationships among themselves, utilizing colors to communicate, and with other species. In one experiment, four octopi were given MDMA, and despite serotonin transporters nearly identical to humans, scientists had hypothesized that its lack of the parts of the brain that results in behavioral changes from drug use would override, negating any impacts. They were surprised to see that the octopi were all cuddly.

This behavior has usually only been observed during mating, which marks the beginning of senescence and their eventual deaths. The female spends over six months guarding her thousands of eggs, unable to catch prey to nourish herself, slowing starving herself and with her last breath, uses her siphon to blow the hatchlings into their new world.

In her own way, Jessica left those she loved with parts of herself that will guide them to their new 'world'. I finished her special mala today before her memorial service. After cleansing and charging the energy in the moonlight, I set the intention of the mala to live fully and love wholeheartedly. While already on the journey of carpe diem and 11:11 (part 4), I know along with Jay, Jess will guide me towards the remainder of my journey.

tum-tum

Vietnam has changed a lot since I lived here, and even since my last visit in 2017 (same same but different). My first store that I ventured into had a full display of sex toys - something that was underground, recycled by expats as gifts to local girlfriends and confiscated at customs in the past (elvis has left the building). Yet, although accessible before, like Thailand (that's a-mores!), porn sites are now blocked.

While District 2 is full of Western influences in its restaurants and bars, menus have been customized to local preferences, like unpalatable and al fresco to go, While two of the top three selling pizzas of Al Fresco's Group are typical pizzas in Western countries, the other one (New Oceana) is specific to local tastes, comprising of bacon, tuna, onions and cheese while covered in Thousand Island dressing, with your usual ketchup and pepper packets as extras that Southern Vietnamese put on top of their pizzas (al fresco to go).

Even Pizza Hut introduced the Worm Pizza on April 1 of this year, resulting in many wondering if it was an April Fool's joke. But as noted by Saigoneer, it was launched to line up with Earth Day and one of the company's mission of sustainable sources of food, given the high protein content of silkworms.

Despite the general lactose-intolerance of its people (got milk?), there is now an abundance of affordable milk options from local to foreign sources, including Meiji and oat milk. I was surprised to find the only 'gluten-free only' restaurant in the country, considering the significance of coeliac disease in the US. While I knew that pasta in Italy (and other countries) tend to not contain gluten because of the lack of pesticides in locally sourced wheat, I had not realized that soy sauce contained gluten until I recently dated someone (synchronicity (part 2)) who sometimes had belly aches from Asian food. However, because most of the carbs in the Vietnamese diet is rice based, over 95% of the diet is gluten-free, including the locally sourced soy sauce. Much of the diet is also fresh, unprocessed and organic.

As locals start modifying their diet to incorporate those from other countries, they may find that the Southeast Asians may also have an intolerance to gluten. My 23andMe (full circle (part 3)) profile notes that I am likely to have alcohol flush (moments that matter (part 6)) and lactose intolerance, but coeliac disease is not something that is noted in my dashboard, as of yet, but then again, when I initially received my results, it lumped me in as Southeast Asian, a very broad stroke, and has over the years, refined it to Vietnamese, including specific regions, as more data is collected.

While Silvi Coffee Roasters also specializes in quality coffee, it boasts the country's only gluten-free menu focused on quality ingredients, and provides gluten-free products to other local restaurants and hotels. In my experience, not all gluten-free products and restaurants are created equal, and much like vegan options, I struggle to rehaul my diet because of the flavors and quality. However, I enjoyed the savory and sweet flavors and dishes that I experienced in this off-the-beaten-track gem. Yet in the modern day conundrum of business owners, the 'hidden' treasure for those suffering from coeliac disease would unfortunately get lost in the algorithms or meta tags of the savvy internet travelers. Hopefully, this helps shift the algorithm for them.

* * * * *

Update June 13, 2023:

It would seem from the knowledgable locals (e.g., my prior staff) that the country has only blocked international porn sites, and not the ones that are more regional. Rather than ask my old crew, I did a quick search and someone who seems to have a fetish for Vietnamese women, have already captured this (The 5 best Vietnamese porn sites) on My Sexpedition, filed under 'How and Where to Find Sex in Vietnam' and 'How and Where to Find Sex on the Internet'. He does list the international one that seems to be blocked now as number 4, but perhaps it worked in January 2023 and has fallen prey to the censor police.

stone skipping (part 13)

An experience with a recent travel companion with many of the same characteristics of a recent ex (saudade (part 5), in the NOW, bluebird, saudade (part 6), patois, and synchronicity (part 2)), right down the the ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. While my initial reaction was to clarify assumptions and accusations made about me, it took but a split second to realize that this was an opportunity for me to reinforce a recent learning of not exerting effort in a low-vibrational situation where the person had no space to hear anything other than their own self-delusions.

Not allowing someone to bring me out of my alignment to my SELF, it felt amazing not to be triggered and stay in my own joy and happiness while leaving the person with well wishes of positive energy, love and healing. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

At the same time, the universe reinforced the lesson that sometimes our mark is not to see the progress of someone's growth and healing but to leave ripples (from the stone skipping series), and perhaps we will be blessed along the way to receive messages, as I did a few days ago, to share in the happiness of someone's healing journey.

"Words cannot express the enormity of how valuable your contribution to my life has been. I was a 9 out of 10 narcissist; as bad as one could be while still maintaining the last sliver of capacity for change. I know it was you who chose to take on this callenge because no one else in my life could've done it. I love you and I can't wait for the day when I've fully healed and possess the capacity to truly love you as you have always loved me. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me. In many ways, I owe you my life."

We finally connected this morning for him (11:11 (part 11), ,triggering, leap of faith, three of swords, small packages, rub-a-dub-dub, chimera, synchronicity (part 2)) to share his breakthrough of releasing the core bedrock of his anger from childhood that has resulted in his holding onto anger and victimhood in practically every other aspect of his life. While the technique/tool that was used was not new in what we have tried in the past, his journey had finally led him to a point where he wanted to release the anger and victimhood for nobody but himself, and shifting that perspective was the miracle that he needed (saudade (part 4) and in the NOW), allowing him to unburden even the heaviness that was trapped in his body.

As is with so many others after him, he had not realized how his self-delusions had made him believe that he was content (synchronicity (part 2)), yet harming so many and leaving a trail of trauma in his wake as in his repressed hurt, he hurt others (including himself, re-traumatizing self limiting beliefs), until someone provided that mirror for him. In the end, he was the only one who could give himself the courage to look at that mirror objectively and want true happiness for himself, which includes not hurting others in that quest. I hope that with the recent ex and traveling companion that they also find the courage within themselves to be bold and find their truth within themselves. In the meantime, my heart is full and smiling today for a soul who is choosing love over fear.

baby girl

in the NOW, Fuzzy (hamster wheel) is still present with me from a block universe perspective. I have always had the view that animals have souls and folding them in as family members. In many ways, the furry creatures are the only family members who truly give unconditional love, and Fuzzy was my emotional support buddy when I felt very isolated. The trauma from Fuzzy's unexpected death left me with scars, and in some way, distrust of my immediate family since they were involved in some capacity in it.

Over the years, I have entertained adopting (11:11 (part 3)), primarily a rescue, especially after witnessing how they provide such 'joie de vivre' to their family (phoenix rising and p(h)et-life). moments that matter (part 4) was the first time that I felt connected to a dog as family, perhaps it was the length of time we had together or perhaps it was because I played a maternal role in Bella's formative years as a pup. Although my mother isn't really a pet person (hamster wheel), she has recounted stories about the family dog in Vietnam, where animals are view more as functional than family members. He guarded us when we were left alone as toddlers (beach angel and full circle (part 8)), and when we emigrated as refugees, my uncles went to retrieve him and other valuables, only to have him escape, wandering the streets trying to find his missing family. That thought always makes me so sad.

The winter storm of 2021 brought another Bella (saudade (part 1) and in the NOW) into my life when her family realized that they couldn't properly care for the young puppy in a small apartment with a toddler. While I co-parent her at times with my sister's family, it soon became clear we have vastly different pup-parenting styles.

However, much like 11:11 (part 14), I encountered people who had similar parenting styles as mine, or at least gave me the freedom to love and guide my own way. She has made me realize that what seemed missing in my life was filled by her presence, and it solidified my decision to embrace a part of her genetic lineage, knowing that her sister was raised with love and companionship of their birth mother.

In a way, this isn't quite unsent letters (part 3) as I know she knows my thoughts at a soul level. It is a pū'iwa to me that turns out to be moments that matter (part 8), leaving me feeling as we're soul sisters (thelma & louise (part 4)).

* * * * *

Dear Baby Girl -

Today marks the beginning of a three-day cycle to 'Find Joy' for everyone, and as the 'Connect To Your Joy' meditation asked me to visualize someone or something that brings me joy, there was no hesitation when you popped into my head, immediately drawing a smile to my lips that stayed for the entire 10 minutes of the meditation.

Some of my happiest moments recently were going on adventures with you. During our hike along the trails of Memorial Park, I envisioned what it would have been like to raise a daughter, teaching her to be confident, independent, curious and adventurous, with the security of love and protection behind her if she were to ever get in a snag. Periodically, you would turn to me as if to get my permission or expecting me to guide you, and with my smile of encouragement, you explored the sights, scents and sounds of Mother Nature.

Letting you guide our journey, you showed me the secluded spot with the sign to look up and listen to hear the melodic songs of varying birds; you took us down a small ravine, off the beaten path, and somehow you guided us back to another path, as if you knew where you were going all along; you showed us a small limb full of ladybugs and the lone man sitting in a wheelbarrow soaking in the beautiful sky; and when I was concerned that you may be getting parched, you magically led us towards the water fountain.

I've always loved your courtesy puppy bow as a call to play to other dogs, ensuring them that you are safe and wanted to socialize. While many masters deterred others from playing with you, Oliver's dad was thrilled how playful you were.

I'm touched at how you've always checked in on me to make sure I was not hurting during physical activities with others or loved me when you sensed my emotions. Your heat and weight next to me gave me comfort when we slept, and you were a big part of why I slept better. No matter where you started when we went to bed, you always ended up next to me in the morning. My day was always great when it started with cuddles from you in the morning.

You became my shadow. From the start, even my nephew asked if I plied you with a lot of treats, as my family noticed how attached you were to me. We just connected at a soul level. While it made my heart sing to see how excited you would get when you saw me, it started to break my heart in the end as you started to get anxious, knowing that I was about to leave, and perhaps not knowing if you'd see me again. 

You are my love, my family and my forever baby girl. I had decided to get a boy (your nephew), thinking that you'd have a lot of interaction with him, and not wanting you to think that there would be another who took your place as my baby girl.

I never thought there would be another Fuzzy in my life. Subconsciously, I had walls up to protect my heart from such unconditional love but you magically and effortlessly made that dissipate. You made me feel safe, protected and above all else, loved.

Thank you for tearing down those walls and opening up my heart again. I am forever grateful for the times, albeit short, we had together and the impact you've made in my life. I hope that I provided you some security and love during a complicated and tense time that uprooted your original family unit. I miss you dearly, and sometimes find myself waking up in the middle of the night with thoughts of you.

💞

synchronicity (part 2)

 "The more validation I need, the less discernment I have."

~ Kurt Hanks 

This excursion never really had a 'honeymoon' period, tumbling right into a trigger on the first date that allowed me to heal from a similar experience almost a year before (11:11 (part 14)). With the intention of walking into this journey with a 'friend' to mirror and reflect on triggers that may come up to end patterns (saudade (part 5), bluebird, saudade (part 6), and patois), it seemed a bit quicker and easier to process and see the patterns from a different perspective, perhaps from a perceived trust built on friendship.

In what I felt was unlocking some part of me that allowed me to feel truly 'safe' with a man (bluebird) or to feel a deeper connection with someone who could read my body as I've only experienced with one other (bubble of bliss), I am wondering if that has more to do with my own growth and how I show up in connections, rather than someone providing such safety or awareness of my body.

Similar to calming the mind, the universe opens up doors and opportunities that quickly usher me along, reminding me to keep moving and growing. Yet, there was a final lesson to be learned, something that has been on the perimeter of my journey since consciously starting this exploration in 2016. 

I realized that he represented aspects of others before him - from seeing white (part 2), who surrounded himself with 'friends' whom he never felt comfortable being himself, numbing themselves and judging others, to bubble of bliss, who in the end, let life jade him to be a shadow of who he once was, putting up walls so as not to ever connect with someone at a deep level again (weightless). While the former 'ghosted', he showed up months later (supernova), explaining that being in a container where he felt safe being himself showed him a side of himself that made him realize how unhappy he was and the choices he had made, which caused him to run as he chose 'ignorance' rather than 'bliss'. While he has shown up again a time or two over the years, it is with the same energy of some nostalgia of what could have been had he been more courageous and how deep he has gotten with the ongoing decisions in his life that have brought him more shame and/or have made him a complete stranger to himself.

While it saddens me that a 'friend' wouldn't communicate that he wasn't courageous enough or ready for the growth, he was also choosing to repeat patterns of masterminding his friends to validate his choices in life. While I had created nicknames in the past so that friends wouldn't negatively judge people I dated if they ever meet them (missing in action), his approach was to get validation by demonizing his partners, reminiscent of my first (moments that matter (part 6)). Unfortunately, that forces him into a corner where he cannot be present with positive energy of working things out with his partner, without clarifying his prior actions based on untruths to others, when he is fearful of his friends judging him for staying in what they perceived to be 'toxic', his own creation.

The self-sabotage that went on for months created chaos/drama that was futile. Ultimately, he could not own his own decision and actions and felt the need to create situations that forced him into it, so as not to be accountable to himself for his own self-harm. In closing my patterns though, I know I showed up authentically and lovingly. I was able to work through old patterns with the discernment to change behaviors. More importantly, breaking another pattern I had fallen into in the past, I also do not feel any 'guilt' for feeling as if I gave up on someone - he gave up on himself.

There seems to have been a shift since spiritual masters, whereby incorporating the universal law of vibration with the universal law of attraction, I realize that another pattern I choose to change is trying to be 'heard' or 'not handicapped'. Seeing the lengths he went through to numb emotions allowed me to truly reflect on my growth in the last few years as I connect with mine, honing in on my understanding of the breadth and complexities of them to let my higher self/intuition guide me. People will treat me the way they want to treat me. My power is whether I let them do so. I can pinpoint to the exact time where I felt a shift in his energy. It was palpable although we were thousands of miles apart. Yet, I allowed him to make me question the negative vibrations I was feeling, rather than choosing to focus on activities that made me feel 'good' and repelling the negativity. Subconsciously, even my body was rejecting by pushing him out and off, when he tried to make our sex transactional, despite him mistakenly thinking it was due to orgasms.

When someone self-sabotages because our 'closeness' was scaring him, the only thing left for me to feel is compassion for him by sending him a lot of positive vibrations for his journey, as authentic connections is what makes life worth living. It probably doesn't bode well for any type of 'interaction' when our astrological chart notes:

"You and [BDC] have an unusually strong connection. Even if there are other tensions between you - there's an aspect of the connection that is especially enjoyable and probably makes both of you feel more confident.

You and [BDC] might feel closer to each other than you do with other friends."

~ The Pattern 

While I may listen to the universe (or 'be one with the mountain'), it isn't everyone's journey. In reconnecting with an ex last night, with my recently learnt boundaries established, we were able to explain his initial reaction to me that we couldn't explain other than perhaps residual 'past life karma'. Much like BDC, his irritation was due to the significant gap in our vibrations, and he was subconsciously threatened by the higher vibration, given where he was in his life at the time (11:11 (part 11)).

I am excited at my progress, while not always smooth, has been rewarding, especially to set me up for me to embrace my true calling in life...to just experience, which has come up in QHHT as well as a friend's channeling. My partners are also elevating in our compatibility from 'Meaningful' to 'Extraordinary'.

"Your destiny is to be able to relax and enjoy your life without guilt. Try to immerse yourself in things that feel good and to savor your experiences. It's okay to be on the receiving end in life; learn to appreciate your patience and ability to stay present in the moment. You may have artistic tendencies and you certainly have excellent taste, whether it's in food, people, clothes, or art. It's important to carve out time for yourself and engage your senses.

In your relationship experiences, you may end up with or expect partners who are out of the ordinary. The average type won't do. You tend to go for unconventional, rebellious, or extremely intelligent people."

~ The Pattern

* * * * *

Update April 24, 2023:

After asking an ex if he remembered 11:11 (part 11), I received the following, a reminder that everyone's journey has its own timing and small actions/moments that may seem inconsequential may have lasting ripple effects in someone's life.

"Yes, I certainly do remember. Reading this made me cry, and I wanted to stop after I knew what it was, but I realized instantly that this was a confirmation of why you're back in my life right now. I've had the best 7 days as of today [that] I've had since I moved here, doing all the things that make me most proud of myself without missing a beat. I have been working on radical self-forgiveness, knowing that forgiving myself for all the stuff with you would be the final box I'd eventually have to open. to be honest, it still scares me half to death to think about, but I can see that, likely without your [sic] even knowing, you're giving me opportunities to take it in small chunks. I have a lot of grieving to do before I can forgive myself, but thank you for sending me this."

patois

 "Die Grenzen meiner Sprache bedeuten die Grenzen meiner Welt."

 ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein (Tractatus Logico Philosophicus, 1921) 

Roughly translated, he says "[t]he limits of my language mean the limits of my world." Imagine the walls around us when our vocabulary is not as expansive of our experiences. Emotional granularity is our ability to differentiate the specificity of our emotions, which is positively correlated to our mental and physical well-being.

Wittgenstein also argued "God" has different meanings in different communities that requires understanding context and the experiences of the user within the linguistic community. Are we even talking about the same thing?

Rice is a big staple in many Asian cultures, and therefore, many of the Asian languages have numerous words for rice, from the various types to the various stages of the rice production process. However, in English, rice is limited to one word (albeit differentiated by adjectives like brown or white). 

In addition to vocabulary, context is a big factor. During my time in Asia, I learned that although many Westerners think that sarcasm doesn't exist in Asia, it is a lot more subtle than the American version. Even my mother and cousin (stone skipping (part 8)) always seemed to miss how my father and I communicated with our sarcastic banter (full circle (part 5)).

When he recently asked me what I thought he felt when his ex said something to him, I thought he was asking me to guess his response, rather than that he struggled to find the description to the emotion he was feeling. He could only distinguish it as 'not feeling good'. From his musings, it seemed to me like saudade (part 1), a Portuguese word that doesn't have a direct translation to English. I recently struggled to explain my love for surprises with what seemed like a disproportionate amount of giddiness at the experience, that somehow was perfectly defined as pū'iwa in the Hawaiian language. 

Our ability to properly identify emotions equip us in not only sharing our experiences with others but also with allowing us to properly regulate them. Identifying the accurate positive emotion would enable us to replicate it while identifying the wrong negative emotion would completely throw our body and nervous system in the wrong direction.

For most humans, our main emotions are happy, sad and angry. Language doesn't just carry the emotions but it changes it for us, in how we navigate it in our lives. Even emotions like shame and guilt or anxious and overwhelmed seemed to be used interchangeably. Yet, guilt is understanding that what someone did was wrong while shame is believing that your whole being is wrong. Processing the former may take us to learn from the mistake and apologize, knowing it was a mistake that doesn't define someone, while the latter tends to take someone into deeper insecurities and 'shame cycle' that can result in allowing it to define us.

At the top of a taste of heaven, it took my breath away. When I have epiphanies like saudade (part 6) or experiences like sound healing, similar behaviors like tears of joy, difficulties catching my breath, or goosebumps and feeling small and connected to the world. Yet, one is awe, where I step back and let it unfold before me while the other is wonder, piquing my curiosity to want to learn more, often a sign of positive reinforcement from my higher self that I am at the right place at the right time.

When we tell ourselves that we feel 'overwhelmed', our body tends to shut down, making us incapable of making good decisions. Brené Brown (stepping out), who has spent decades researching shame and vulnerability, notes that this emotion is one of many in the 'things are uncertain or too much category' and rather than letting it shut us down, we should take a moment to better define the true emotion whether it is stress, dread, fear, vulnerability, etc.

Source: Atlas of the Heart

I have chosen not to let my negative experiences hold me back and make me guarded from being vulnerable or loving the best way I know how. I have been trying to be authentic, even if that puts me on a limb by myself to say 'I love you!', knowing many in this world somehow fear those words, especially in the romantic sense, so I narrate it that my love comes with no conditions, expecting the feeling to be reciprocal. When I read the text on Christmas Day, I was conflicted with so many emotions...but I chose to believe in its simplicity (in the NOW).

"Merry Christmas, I'm so thankful for your friendship and guidance through my shit, I'm excited to turn the corner and make this year my bitch/heaven on earth...😘😘. You are amazing and I hope you have a great day with the family. Love you too!"

To be told that someone resents you, especially in a romantic relationship...well, it's the first time for me. I watched how resentment over seven years destroyed a loving one as it was so deep that couple's therapy couldn't heal the deep scar tissue. He did things for her because he loved her. From her point of view, she never asked him to make such 'sacrifices' and thought he just 'wanted' the same thing. In the end, they were his choices that he never communicated/narrated his process nor treated her as a partner-in-crime so that they could make the decisions together. He resented her for not appreciating all the things he did. In the end, they failed to understand his love language (words of affirmation) and failed to treat each other as 'us'.

It still is unclear to me what I am being resented for...that we enjoyed each other's company so just hung out a lot or that he loved me and doesn't want to. When someone asks me to come over or 'what are we doing for dinner', I took those as invitations of someone wanting me to be present. I wasn't aware of any 'sacrifices' of not hanging out with others, for example, and it came off as if somehow he was blaming me and/or angry at me for it. Coupled with his request for me to role play 'goth', including incorporating an ad-hoc choker, only to be asked if I wore it out in public.

'Resentment' falls in the category of 'we compare'. Marc Brackett, founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, maintains that resentment is part of the 'envy' family, rather than the 'angry' family. With the situation of my friends in the seven-year relationship, his anger was more at himself for not being able to 'ask for what he needed and acknowledge his limits'. Unfortunately, this was projected onto his partner. 

Source: Atlas of the Heart

Buddhism has a term of 'near enemy', which in its original context, is about a behavior that seems to be for a spiritual purpose that because of intent, in reality got in the way of one's spiritual growth - like grand gestures of acts of service being done more for the acclaim and attention rather than to give back to the world (tonight) and pay it forward. In the context of emotions, the view that jealousy equates to love which reared its ugly head during my first relationship (reclaiming the cunt (part 5)). 

Attachment is the near enemy of love...the conditions of someone loving another because of the person loving in return, or because something is needed by the other, or condition of changing the other person, something I've always resisted in my relationships (me love you long time (part 7)). Attachment grasps, fear, and possess while true love allows, honors and appreciates. The near enemy of connection is control, and trying to control one's emotions rather than just feeling and being. Trying to control when or how one may love another seems to separate us from ourselves and understanding our inner map, holding us back from truly connecting to others.

I can only own my understanding of my inner map and emotions. The limitations of someone's vocabulary in their emotions makes it more challenging to believe their communication (or hunch with the overlay of my experiences) as to their experience. Applying my recent learning of detachment and ATTUNE-ing (saudade (part 6)), rather than feeling the various 'Empathy Misses' that one could easily get caught up in the hurt of judgment, blame and disappointment, compassion and understanding requires me to be more inquisitive, the real question to him is ... 'What do you need that you're not asking for?'