self-love

It occurred to me today that the disconnect with what I have been feeling for practically all my life and ftale has been the disconnect of trying to emulate (or envying) the relationships I see around me (pig in mud (part 1) and reclaiming the cunt (part 5)) when they, in fact, are not the ones I have been manifesting and praying for (a clue I had touched upon in 11:11 (part 5)), much like the lesson from when it rains, it pours and the realization that when they all presented themselves, none were ones I had wanted to return to. I have something more magical, steeped in interdependence, curiosity, new experiences and adventures, and unconditional love - one that creates a nurturing home for growth and strong, kind, loving free-spirited humans and animals. Something I have been blessed to have 'snippets' of what that feeling would be like, down to the blue eyes (bubble of bliss and moments that matter (part 2)).

Ironically, a reiki session on his birthday gave me clues as to synchronicity (part 2) occurring, despite initial hesitations and red flags that would have me running. While not his true 'self' that I knew, the version of his 'self' that he presented was a potent reminder of everything I did not want (it was the "big ol' stubborn problem"), but in this lesson, I had the clarity to see that it was from his own fears, rather than mine, when I was able to show up authentically and in alignment with my 'self', allowing me to see the other side of familiar themes to see the 'truth' in them, enabling me to close the loops and patterns. 

At the same time, a couple of unconscious ones were uncovered whereby my 2-4 year-old self may hold the key to unlocking the next door in my journey (synchronicity (part 2)). While my initial reaction was to fight to be heard and not misunderstood, I soon learned that those in lower vibrations do not want to hear or understand and only want to see what validates their own fears, a lesson the universe allowed me to practice a newfound tool to stay true to my self (stone skipping (part 13)). 

While being misunderstood has been a thorn that has turned into a fly to be shooed away, learning about personality types and how communication is given and/or received was a pivotal tool (stone skipping (part 6), surprising inspiration and taxing time) to removing the thorn. Upon reflection as I'm writing this, the only time I did not feel the need to explain myself was during those 'snippets', and perhaps holds another key to the door. What seemed so 'easy' may be the emotional safe haven he provided that I did not recognize beyond my fears and insecurities at the time (bluebird).

My new tattoo from Bali was a reminder to stay true to my own alignment after synchronicity (part 2). Yet, it would seem to have a deeper meaning after all, and perhaps why it was an immediate thought to place it above the vein (vena amoris) that connects the heart to the ring finger and lines up when placing the hand/wrist next to the heart. It has been a lifelong pattern of taking care, and prioritizing the need/wants, of others (beach angel and full circle (part 8)), including the men in my life. 

A recent session with what's your sign? and 11:11 (part 6) reinforced this next chapter's focus of self-care is self-love, and in so doing, allowing myself to be loved. Rather than looking for people who didn't understand me, or rather didn't want to understand me, as some validation of feeling low and unloved, it is in loving my self and staying true to my vibration (synchronicity (part 2) and stone skipping (part 13)) - recognizing the self-sabotaging behavior, and changing the pattern to gravitate towards those who have the desire and curiosity to understand, and thereby, feeling safe to truly allow love in. The wish...the dream...wasn't for any love, as I have experienced various forms, even some that I had thought I used to 'envy'. 

Yet in that safe haven that I felt in his presence, I realize that somehow I did not feel unloved (or at least, silenced the negative self-talk because I did not feel the desire to have someone who already understood me to understand me) and for those 'snippets', allowed it to align with my soul. The universe had provided me clues all along through him, and yet, only now am I able to 'see'. 

heart beats

Traveling again, especially to less developed countries, makes COVID seem like an episode of the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror. While some still wear masks, most are doing so to protect from the smog and pollution, especially when the primary mode of transportation is motorbikes. While many in my circle, including myself, contracted COVID, with some, as many as four+ times, luckily, none passed away from it.

But what will never fully be quantified will be the deaths that occurred because of COVID's impact in the world, from logistics/economy (e.g., overtaxed medical system, inability to get food and resources to those in need due to transportation and/or financial constraints) to mental health (e.g., depression, broken relationships, stress). The huge demand for emotional support animals also resulted in the unfortunate abandonment of such furry friends when life adjusted to a new normal, ranging from an increase of 25% in places like England to 50% in India. 

At the same time, in a country where animals were generally kept for functional purposes (e.g., security or rodent management), I was surprised and elated to see how pets are now being treated in Vietnam, with a significant increase in pet clinics/veterinarians, groomers, boarders, and even cat cafes for people to pay to spend time with the kitties. Walking past a Vietnamese man sitting on a little stool at a local street cafe cuddling and talking to his canine pal made my heart smile. Of course, the experience made me think of baby girl, followed by the excitement of the imminent adoption of her kin.

While I had wished I had captured the loving scene for my IG stories (a new way to catalog my travels), I was happy to just be present. Seeing an IG message from an old high school friend, who had shared that she had been enjoying my travel 'stories', I was saddened to hear the passing of my prom 'date' the day before. He had died of a heart attack in his sleep. He marks the third man in my circle and age group, with the other two being college classmates, who have been victims of the leading cause of deaths in the US since the start of the pandemic. Another close friend who was a surrogate father at a point in my life also succumbed to the disease; however, he was older and had a history battling the disease.

Unlike with the 'surrogate father', there was no warning, and perhaps with the stresses of the pandemic, it became the silent killer that we can't prepare for. When I had gotten word that Jay (22 and 11:11 (part 10)) passed right before Christmas 2020, intermixed with the initial shock was a smile and a knowing that Jay had beat us all in accomplishing his life's dream, that kept us up late at night for hours just connecting and talking about all the complexities of life. I knew that where I may have missed my initial train (11:11 (part 10)), Jay made his. I still feel Jay with me at times, as recently as saudade (part 6).

I knew that most news happen in Facebook, so upon hearing the news about my prom 'date', I temporarily reinstated Facebook, something I had deleted since the pandemic, to find that the news of his passing had not made it there yet. However, it was with a happy yet saudade heart that I soon discovered that he recently got married in December 2022. We weren't really in contact since high school, as I left a lot of that trauma behind for me. But when I had joined Facebook in late 2008, he found me and had messaged me to see how I was doing. We must have kept in touch sporadically after that as I have his contact information. In looking at our Facebook messenger chat, the next and last time we had contact was before the pandemic, when I had sent him a YouTube video on 'Twin Flames/Soulmates/Divine Partners - Searching For Answers', it must have been in response to a post he had as my intro was 'this may help you'.

As with Jay, I knew Steven had finally realized his dream. Much like Helen in Sliding Doors, he met his boo. He had struggled so long to come out of the closet and find 'home'. It seems fitting that it is also Pride Month, which although there still isn't a parade in Ho Chi Minh City to commemorate it, there are more visible signs including companies supporting and sponsoring activities around the city. It brings me such peace to know that for all of these men in my life, they were surrounded by love when their hearts stopped beating.

* * * * *

Update August 20, 2023:

At the age of 33, her heart also stopped in the middle of the night. As a pre-teen, she was diagnosed with long QT syndrome that caused her parents to pull her out of soccer which she loved. As an adult, she made the decision to live life and not let the condition debilitate her. Skydiving for her was not only defying gravity but also her genetic predisposition. She forgave easily and loved fully. Her family gifted me her last creation that had a special meaning to her, from the careful curation of the gemstones for their meaning and her favorite colors to her spirit animal that contain three hearts and nine brains, one in each tentacle and the biggest brain-to-body ratio of the invertebrates, making it one of the most intelligent marine species.

My Octopus Teacher brought us into their worlds, showing us the ability for these colorful creatures to form relationships with humans. While known to be solitary creatures, scientists are recently discovering the complexity of their ability to form relationships among themselves, utilizing colors to communicate, and with other species. In one experiment, four octopi were given MDMA, and despite serotonin transporters nearly identical to humans, scientists had hypothesized that its lack of the parts of the brain that results in behavioral changes from drug use would override, negating any impacts. They were surprised to see that the octopi were all cuddly.

This behavior has usually only been observed during mating, which marks the beginning of senescence and their eventual deaths. The female spends over six months guarding her thousands of eggs, unable to catch prey to nourish herself, slowing starving herself and with her last breath, uses her siphon to blow the hatchlings into their new world.

In her own way, Jessica left those she loved with parts of herself that will guide them to their new 'world'. I finished her special mala today before her memorial service. After cleansing and charging the energy in the moonlight, I set the intention of the mala to live fully and love wholeheartedly. While already on the journey of carpe diem and 11:11 (part 4), I know along with Jay, Jess will guide me towards the remainder of my journey.

tum-tum

Vietnam has changed a lot since I lived here, and even since my last visit in 2017 (same same but different). My first store that I ventured into had a full display of sex toys - something that was underground, recycled by expats as gifts to local girlfriends and confiscated at customs in the past (elvis has left the building). Yet, although accessible before, like Thailand (that's a-mores!), porn sites are now blocked.

While District 2 is full of Western influences in its restaurants and bars, menus have been customized to local preferences, like unpalatable and al fresco to go, While two of the top three selling pizzas of Al Fresco's Group are typical pizzas in Western countries, the other one (New Oceana) is specific to local tastes, comprising of bacon, tuna, onions and cheese while covered in Thousand Island dressing, with your usual ketchup and pepper packets as extras that Southern Vietnamese put on top of their pizzas (al fresco to go).

Even Pizza Hut introduced the Worm Pizza on April 1 of this year, resulting in many wondering if it was an April Fool's joke. But as noted by Saigoneer, it was launched to line up with Earth Day and one of the company's mission of sustainable sources of food, given the high protein content of silkworms.

Despite the general lactose-intolerance of its people (got milk?), there is now an abundance of affordable milk options from local to foreign sources, including Meiji and oat milk. I was surprised to find the only 'gluten-free only' restaurant in the country, considering the significance of coeliac disease in the US. While I knew that pasta in Italy (and other countries) tend to not contain gluten because of the lack of pesticides in locally sourced wheat, I had not realized that soy sauce contained gluten until I recently dated someone (synchronicity (part 2)) who sometimes had belly aches from Asian food. However, because most of the carbs in the Vietnamese diet is rice based, over 95% of the diet is gluten-free, including the locally sourced soy sauce. Much of the diet is also fresh, unprocessed and organic.

As locals start modifying their diet to incorporate those from other countries, they may find that the Southeast Asians may also have an intolerance to gluten. My 23andMe (full circle (part 3)) profile notes that I am likely to have alcohol flush (moments that matter (part 6)) and lactose intolerance, but coeliac disease is not something that is noted in my dashboard, as of yet, but then again, when I initially received my results, it lumped me in as Southeast Asian, a very broad stroke, and has over the years, refined it to Vietnamese, including specific regions, as more data is collected.

While Silvi Coffee Roasters also specializes in quality coffee, it boasts the country's only gluten-free menu focused on quality ingredients, and provides gluten-free products to other local restaurants and hotels. In my experience, not all gluten-free products and restaurants are created equal, and much like vegan options, I struggle to rehaul my diet because of the flavors and quality. However, I enjoyed the savory and sweet flavors and dishes that I experienced in this off-the-beaten-track gem. Yet in the modern day conundrum of business owners, the 'hidden' treasure for those suffering from coeliac disease would unfortunately get lost in the algorithms or meta tags of the savvy internet travelers. Hopefully, this helps shift the algorithm for them.

* * * * *

Update June 13, 2023:

It would seem from the knowledgable locals (e.g., my prior staff) that the country has only blocked international porn sites, and not the ones that are more regional. Rather than ask my old crew, I did a quick search and someone who seems to have a fetish for Vietnamese women, have already captured this (The 5 best Vietnamese porn sites) on My Sexpedition, filed under 'How and Where to Find Sex in Vietnam' and 'How and Where to Find Sex on the Internet'. He does list the international one that seems to be blocked now as number 4, but perhaps it worked in January 2023 and has fallen prey to the censor police.

stone skipping (part 13)

An experience with a recent travel companion with many of the same characteristics of a recent ex (saudade (part 5), in the NOW, bluebird, saudade (part 6), patois, and synchronicity (part 2)), right down the the ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. While my initial reaction was to clarify assumptions and accusations made about me, it took but a split second to realize that this was an opportunity for me to reinforce a recent learning of not exerting effort in a low-vibrational situation where the person had no space to hear anything other than their own self-delusions.

Not allowing someone to bring me out of my alignment to my SELF, it felt amazing not to be triggered and stay in my own joy and happiness while leaving the person with well wishes of positive energy, love and healing. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

At the same time, the universe reinforced the lesson that sometimes our mark is not to see the progress of someone's growth and healing but to leave ripples (from the stone skipping series), and perhaps we will be blessed along the way to receive messages, as I did a few days ago, to share in the happiness of someone's healing journey.

"Words cannot express the enormity of how valuable your contribution to my life has been. I was a 9 out of 10 narcissist; as bad as one could be while still maintaining the last sliver of capacity for change. I know it was you who chose to take on this callenge because no one else in my life could've done it. I love you and I can't wait for the day when I've fully healed and possess the capacity to truly love you as you have always loved me. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me. In many ways, I owe you my life."

We finally connected this morning for him (11:11 (part 11), ,triggering, leap of faith, three of swords, small packages, rub-a-dub-dub, chimera, synchronicity (part 2)) to share his breakthrough of releasing the core bedrock of his anger from childhood that has resulted in his holding onto anger and victimhood in practically every other aspect of his life. While the technique/tool that was used was not new in what we have tried in the past, his journey had finally led him to a point where he wanted to release the anger and victimhood for nobody but himself, and shifting that perspective was the miracle that he needed (saudade (part 4) and in the NOW), allowing him to unburden even the heaviness that was trapped in his body.

As is with so many others after him, he had not realized how his self-delusions had made him believe that he was content (synchronicity (part 2)), yet harming so many and leaving a trail of trauma in his wake as in his repressed hurt, he hurt others (including himself, re-traumatizing self limiting beliefs), until someone provided that mirror for him. In the end, he was the only one who could give himself the courage to look at that mirror objectively and want true happiness for himself, which includes not hurting others in that quest. I hope that with the recent ex and traveling companion that they also find the courage within themselves to be bold and find their truth within themselves. In the meantime, my heart is full and smiling today for a soul who is choosing love over fear.

baby girl

in the NOW, Fuzzy (hamster wheel) is still present with me from a block universe perspective. I have always had the view that animals have souls and folding them in as family members. In many ways, the furry creatures are the only family members who truly give unconditional love, and Fuzzy was my emotional support buddy when I felt very isolated. The trauma from Fuzzy's unexpected death left me with scars, and in some way, distrust of my immediate family since they were involved in some capacity in it.

Over the years, I have entertained adopting (11:11 (part 3)), primarily a rescue, especially after witnessing how they provide such 'joie de vivre' to their family (phoenix rising and p(h)et-life). moments that matter (part 4) was the first time that I felt connected to a dog as family, perhaps it was the length of time we had together or perhaps it was because I played a maternal role in Bella's formative years as a pup. Although my mother isn't really a pet person (hamster wheel), she has recounted stories about the family dog in Vietnam, where animals are view more as functional than family members. He guarded us when we were left alone as toddlers (beach angel and full circle (part 8)), and when we emigrated as refugees, my uncles went to retrieve him and other valuables, only to have him escape, wandering the streets trying to find his missing family. That thought always makes me so sad.

The winter storm of 2021 brought another Bella (saudade (part 1) and in the NOW) into my life when her family realized that they couldn't properly care for the young puppy in a small apartment with a toddler. While I co-parent her at times with my sister's family, it soon became clear we have vastly different pup-parenting styles.

However, much like 11:11 (part 14), I encountered people who had similar parenting styles as mine, or at least gave me the freedom to love and guide my own way. She has made me realize that what seemed missing in my life was filled by her presence, and it solidified my decision to embrace a part of her genetic lineage, knowing that her sister was raised with love and companionship of their birth mother.

In a way, this isn't quite unsent letters (part 3) as I know she knows my thoughts at a soul level. It is a pū'iwa to me that turns out to be moments that matter (part 8), leaving me feeling as we're soul sisters (thelma & louise (part 4)).

* * * * *

Dear Baby Girl -

Today marks the beginning of a three-day cycle to 'Find Joy' for everyone, and as the 'Connect To Your Joy' meditation asked me to visualize someone or something that brings me joy, there was no hesitation when you popped into my head, immediately drawing a smile to my lips that stayed for the entire 10 minutes of the meditation.

Some of my happiest moments recently were going on adventures with you. During our hike along the trails of Memorial Park, I envisioned what it would have been like to raise a daughter, teaching her to be confident, independent, curious and adventurous, with the security of love and protection behind her if she were to ever get in a snag. Periodically, you would turn to me as if to get my permission or expecting me to guide you, and with my smile of encouragement, you explored the sights, scents and sounds of Mother Nature.

Letting you guide our journey, you showed me the secluded spot with the sign to look up and listen to hear the melodic songs of varying birds; you took us down a small ravine, off the beaten path, and somehow you guided us back to another path, as if you knew where you were going all along; you showed us a small limb full of ladybugs and the lone man sitting in a wheelbarrow soaking in the beautiful sky; and when I was concerned that you may be getting parched, you magically led us towards the water fountain.

I've always loved your courtesy puppy bow as a call to play to other dogs, ensuring them that you are safe and wanted to socialize. While many masters deterred others from playing with you, Oliver's dad was thrilled how playful you were.

I'm touched at how you've always checked in on me to make sure I was not hurting during physical activities with others or loved me when you sensed my emotions. Your heat and weight next to me gave me comfort when we slept, and you were a big part of why I slept better. No matter where you started when we went to bed, you always ended up next to me in the morning. My day was always great when it started with cuddles from you in the morning.

You became my shadow. From the start, even my nephew asked if I plied you with a lot of treats, as my family noticed how attached you were to me. We just connected at a soul level. While it made my heart sing to see how excited you would get when you saw me, it started to break my heart in the end as you started to get anxious, knowing that I was about to leave, and perhaps not knowing if you'd see me again. 

You are my love, my family and my forever baby girl. I had decided to get a boy (your nephew), thinking that you'd have a lot of interaction with him, and not wanting you to think that there would be another who took your place as my baby girl.

I never thought there would be another Fuzzy in my life. Subconsciously, I had walls up to protect my heart from such unconditional love but you magically and effortlessly made that dissipate. You made me feel safe, protected and above all else, loved.

Thank you for tearing down those walls and opening up my heart again. I am forever grateful for the times, albeit short, we had together and the impact you've made in my life. I hope that I provided you some security and love during a complicated and tense time that uprooted your original family unit. I miss you dearly, and sometimes find myself waking up in the middle of the night with thoughts of you.

💞