in the NOW

saudade (part 5) had me wondering what 2023 had in store for me. So much of the saudade series had me reflecting on the past and the paths I had taken, much of it wrapped around an honorable mention from the first post (boot scoot'n and takin' flight...) and though I had felt that we would always have some connection (11:11 (part 9)), 2022 gently guided me towards some 'truths' that had stunted my view of the infinite possibilities (weightless). In quantum physics, scientists are learning that time is a mere illusion, a human construct for us to differentiate our memories, rather than a four-dimensional structure (block universe) with every experience with its own coordinates in space-time, allowing everything to be present now.

Lesson 80 in ACIM notes that all solutions are placed with the corresponding problem, and our perspective of a 'problem' is due to our misuse of time. Yet, it wasn't until lesson 91 about miracles only being seen in the light that I was able to understand the shift in perspective that Marianne Williamson contextualized (saudade (part 4)). What seemed like a lifelong 'problem' (ftale), something that supposedly kept hope alive with a promise from a Sunday School teacher that God wouldn't let us die without answering some life-long prayer, has ironically kept me in the darkness with a 'ball and chain', causing me to make decisions that were not always kind to me.

It wasn't until today, fitting message celebrating Jesus' birth, that I realized that in letting go of the concept of  'romantic ideals' and truly incorporating the philosophy of relationship anarchy, the angst of the past of  'lovelessness' and the future of 'hope' no longer seemed to matter. Rather than searching for unconditional love, triggering taught me that I only had control over me and my ability to give unconditional love but that future of  'hope' resulted in my staying in situations when they were no longer serving me.

As Ward highlights, "when people choose love, they always choose right". Although cliché, he reminds me that the most important relationship is one with 'me' which I have neglected at times, 'sacrificing' for what I thought was how 'unconditional love' should work. Leaving the shackles behind, I was surprised by the journey I was about to embark on, or rather, how quickly it presented itself...of course, only because of the illusion of time. With the intention of ending cycles, I have discovered a number of 'firsts'. The Sun -- Bella (saudade (part 1)) ... the lighthouse -- my magical friend (saudade (part 4)) ... the disco ball -- BDC (saudade (part 5)) ...

For the relationship anarchist, relationships are fluid without the confines of 'romanticism'. With the light shining from my Sun, lighthouse and disco ball, I now see the solution that came with my perceived 'problem'. Love is all around me, something I can give and receive with no conditions, and no matter what coordinate I choose to jump to, for the first time, I am having a really fun time being present in the NOW.

saudade (part 5)

I have learned in my life journey that there are no coincidences in life. The relationships we choose to engage in represent mirrors to our souls. If we have the courage to see what is reflected back to us in our behaviors and reactions to the other, we can unveil some latent part of us that needs to be seen and heard. In May Pang's Why We Need Bad Things to Happen to Us, she highlights the universal truth that we can only appreciate who we are today if we know what the journey that got us here, and with the Taoist principle of duality, one can only appreciate the light, if he/she knows the darkness.

Working through my fears of 'unwantedness' or 'being hidden' has manifested throughout my life in so many layers like the Matryoshka doll (saudade (part 4)), chipping away at different facets of the same theme. While I thought that they were behind me (hide 'n seek, full circle (part 2), full circle (part 3), full circle (part 4), full circle (part 8), and lost 'n found), it came roaring its ugly head. Perhaps the random contacts from two recent exes who kept stoking these themes throughout our relationships should have been the portent that told me to brace myself. Yet doing things differently this time, and handing the keys to my inner demons to someone had me foolishly believing I had guarded myself from them coming back up. Needless to say, I was not prepared. I found myself curling up as that little girl again. In the cocoon of my own bed, I knew I needed a little miracle as Marianne Williamson says and shift my perspective (saudade (part 4)). 

I wanted to run. I wanted to see it as a sign that this journey, while short-lived, had served its purpose. Yet I knew that it was that part of me that had reservations for starting this journey in the first place, and where there is fear, it is a place I need to walk in. Within my glance was the box of curated items representing the hope of where the journey could go with intentional exploration and connection at a deeper level, and in that moment, the miracle in shifting my perspective had me realizing that I needed to make a different choice than running. As my friend recently reminded me (spiritual masters and saudade (part 4)), elevating one's energy/vibrations isn't about who you attract but what you're attracted to, and the people with those negative energies will always be around us...how we react to it is the choice for us to change our pattern(s). Rather than choosing to lick my wounds and becry the supposed retraumatization, I realized that this was just as much about my triggers as it was his.

While I thought overcoming my ego and reaching out to resolve things when I was the one who got hurt was the toughest challenge, it turned out being ignored and trivialized steeled my resolve that there was more to this than met the eye. Luckily, I had another incident early on as a frame of reference to how he handles situations and the drastic difference in the two reactions solidified my knowing that something else was going on with him that perhaps he himself wasn't aware of, as hurt people hurt others despite their best intentions.

Yet, there is a learning to be had in any negative experience, and as Pang noted, one of the outcomes when bad things happen is that it can result in 'serendipitous discoveries'. I did learn more about myself this weekend. Like how I was surprised to learn that one of my love languages is touch, something I was deprived of in childhood (saudade (part 2) and modern love), I unpeeled another 'layer of the onion' in my draw to shibari and/or BDSM. What I had thought was driven by an opportunity to relinquish control to someone else, the duality of someone who has had to be independent and responsible her whole life (ftale) may be more along the path of where full circle (part 9) was taking me and why I still struggle to receive without feeling the need to reciprocate or trusting that there are no conditions in the purity of the gesture (blossoming and surrendering to the unknown). In the moments that the rope is binding me like a kiss or a hug or with the pleasurable pain of the flog, I can surrender to trusting that someone is finally going to take care of me and has my best interest at heart.

11:11 (part 14)

As I waited at the bus stop today, someone I had just thought about called as if she read my mind. After a energetically heavy week, my soul was feeling excited to be heading to lighter, loving energy, and that synchronous phone call seemed to be a good omen for the weekend ahead. At the same time I was going through my experience this week, I was also helping a friend through his, sharing my recent learnings from various sources, including the basic reminder to bushwhack through the ego. Both parties felt mistreated by the other and in reality, they were mirroring the same behaviors. He was struggling with repeating old patterns and had difficulties tapping into his Higher Self/Holy Spirit and come from a place of love. To my pleasant surprise, a miracle happened, probably the most proud I've been in his progress to date.

The bus ride to the other side of the island was beautiful - full of amazing ocean views, flora, fauna and local life in small villages. When the ACIM meditation started, a smile took over my whole body as it practically summarized my week:

"Lesson 75 - The light has come.

 1. The light has come. You are healed and you can heal. The light has come. You are saved and you can save. You are at peace, and you bring peace with you wherever you go. Darkness and turmoil and death have disappeared. The light has come.

2. Today we celebrate the happy ending to your long dream of disaster. There are no dark dreams now. The light has come. Today the time of light begins for you and everyone. It is a new era, in which a new world is born. The old one has left no trace upon it in its passing. Today we see a different world, because the light has come.

3. Our exercises for today will be happy ones, in which we offer thanks for the passing of the old and the beginning of the new. No shadows from the past remain to darken our sight and hide the world forgiveness offers us. Today we will accept the new world as what we want to see. We will be given what we desire. We will to see the light; the light has come..."

It felt so light being in the presence of a loving couple and their son. When they trusted me with something personal, it was natural to offer them my "service" to help them on a healing journey. At the same time, in disclosing an experience with mutual friends earlier in the year that had kept anger in me, they were kind to help me leave the anger in the past and forgive the parties involved. A testament to ACIM lesson 137 (spiritual masters) that we don't heal alone.

saudade (part 4)

When I started on this recent journey to Hawai'i, I somehow knew that Ka Makuahine would be instrumental in connecting the different parts of me to the present (saudade (part 1)). When the event from spiritual masters transpired, I didn't quite understand what was happening and how it escalated. My muscle memory had me triggered but the unboxing had me realize that it was exactly what I had manifested. Like the Matryoshka doll, opening one doll leads to another one until the last one (the baby, so to speak). The history of the Matryoshka ("little matron") dolls stem from the Fukurama figurine with nested Buddhist sage but its main purpose is 'to surprise' as each one is unique. I was surprised at where this path eventually took me.

What seemed at the time to feel as if I was misunderstood once again, and the little girl, who always cried in her frustration of having to exert so much energy to be heard, showed up that night. The timing was critical and turned out to be the Fall Equinox.

"Today is also the Fall Equinox, a moment in time where balance and harmony are magnified...This is the time of the year where we feel the balance between the dark and the light. We are also preparing for a more internal and reflective half of the year. These equinox and solstice portals are great times to practice meditation and activations to realign our energy field."

~ Jai Gobind - Moon Magic Report, September 21-27 

Marianne Williamson defines a 'miracle' as a shift in perspective in A Return to Love. When I was first learning about Law of Attraction and vibrations, it seemed as if we attract the vibration or thoughts we give off. Initially, I viewed that as the vibration that I was emanating that caused me to attract narcissism, for example. Yet, processing this experience with a magical friend who always seem to give me courage to peel back the layers to get to the baby (or little girl), I realized that it was much more nuanced. 

The next layer is that energy/vibrations does not distinguish between 'want' and 'not want' so rather than focusing on what we don't want, we should believe in what we want. I have been guilty of applying this concept incorrectly. The guest/woman tried to not so subtly imply that I was the source of drama when she stated that she never attracts drama. Yet, we are having that moment where clearly she is perceiving a situation as drama and reacting to it herself.

The next layer and the shift that I am now seeing is that it isn't about what we supposedly attract but more about how we respond to it. The so-called drama is all around us but are we perceiving it as drama or better yet, are we responding to it as such, or are we impervious to it? That teaching seemed a lot quicker to apply when posing the question of why am I attracting narcissism to shift to why am I attracted to it? The former contains mild whiffs of victim shadow despite appearing to take responsibility for the vibrations/energy that we are emitting. Yet the latter, is much more empowering to truly own that we can choose to walk away from that and retrain the muscle memory that has me attracted to such energy.

Two recent events had me being told that the person doesn't believe me after speaking my truth. Yet when I called attention to the fact that he is either accusing me of lying or he has trust issues with me, he denied both, and at the same time, accused me of being defensive. The same energy that I felt when the woman above blamed me for her reaction based on an energy she is perceiving from me despite me again speaking my truth that was counter to her claims. He is a friend so after plowing through the uncomfortableness as we had similar willingness to resolve the situation, he acknowledged that he should be more mindful about modifying his language to 'I don't understand you' rather than 'I don't believe you'. She, however, shut down all communications as if somehow I was invading her boundaries. As Williamson notes in her livestream (September 20, 2022) we can all learn from each other and humility exists in the application of that. We should want to engage with people who don't always agree with us, yet "some people would rather die than change their minds."

My neighbor, who recognizes that she is slowly finding her strength in healing from trauma, quickly set the boundary to stay away from the negative energy she felt from guest (spiritual masters), I have learned since full circle (part 2) that many boundaries should be temporary as we work through our traumas and triggers. Many use boundaries to imply that someone is crossing it to somehow intentionally trigger the person. While this is true, the other side of that coin is that we should take responsibility for healing what triggers us so that it is no longer our response. She felt energetically that the guest is a 'bully', which that little girl in me who showed up clearly felt that night when I found myself apologizing for my truth.

Interestingly, I had asked the guest the question about the collective energy that seemed to repeat history with Hitler via Trump. She dodged it by stating that it is a much longer discussion than what she wanted to engage in. The universe heard my question though and in a few succinct sentences, Williamson answered my question the next day in her livestream. Williamson echos my belief that people are basically good. Those who hate though hate with conviction and are much louder, whereas 'love is whispering'. When the neighbor mentioned what she felt from the guest's energy, I recognized how much space the guest has taken up in her short time here. Her scent, her things, and her energy seem to command attention and take space.

When I was asked if I would leave to get away from the negative energy, I knew that courage and growth comes from not running away from the discomfort. This is also my temporary home. She's the guest, and I am choosing to not let her silence my truth, especially as with any bullies, they get their power from the illusion that they have instilled fear in others. I am grateful for my magical friend who is always a source to ground and help me understand each layer that unfolds, and the various messages from the universe to remind me that I am right where I need to be.

It was good to be reminded that there is power in staying true to ourselves and not be triggered as the other person may be forced to look in the mirror when the energy they are giving off isn't 'bounced back' in another human that they can blame, much like my colleague in to err is human, to forgive, divine.

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

~ C.G. Jung 

David Hawkins also mentions this in Power vs. Force when he illustrates the high vibrations of Alcoholics Anonymous that one of the earlier steps is being honest with oneself, or as Williamson terms 'fearless moral inventory' of oneself. I have forgiven myself for apologizing that night and letting someone bully my truth into silence. But that experience taught me one thing about the little girl who has been struggling to be understood. In the same light as Brené Brown's adage about people 'earning the right to your vulnerability', the only person that needs to understand me is me. I know my heart, I know my intentions, and I know my willingness. I am standing true to being of service to others as my North Node emphasizes.

"We need to coddle each other's neuroses less and honor each other's greatness more, not from a sense of ego because you happen to be great. [ACIM] says all of the children of God are special and none of the children of God are special. You have greatness within you. It is a power in you but not of you. As we say here all the time, you are not the water, you're the faucet. But as I said before, he says do not be concerned about your own readiness, just be consistently aware of mine. If you're afraid to go forth into any day or any situation, he says in [ACIM], the presence of fear is a sure sign that you're trusting in your own strength. You can be great in any situation. Not because of you but because of he who lives within you. That there is within us no more and no less, than in anyone else, a spirit that can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. that can do nothing short of working miracles. That can lift us up. That can give us charisma. Charisma is a spiritual term. It means 'of the spirit'."

~ Marianne Williamson - How to Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

I would be open to trying to understand the guest (and anyone else) if and when she decides to show up as her authentic self (man in the mirror), but I now understand why she didn't bother to try to understand me, and that little girl is jumping for joy that I have performed a 'miracle' and shifted my perspective.

"What is not loved is not understood."

~ Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

spiritual masters

When I reflect upon the (wo)man in mirror, I am reminded of the many spiritual masters who have graced this planet and left tools for us to work through our individual journeys to a world of love. They all share the same message, just in different ways that hopefully will resonate with different people. In each of us is the Holy Spirit (our Higher Selves) that guides us, yet we have ancestral DNA and/or childhood traumas that put up barriers to us trusting ourselves.

When I started on the path of exploration of connecting with my body (face of the girl (part 2) and YUMmy), it did not come from a place of love but from a place of resentment and rebellion with a touch of the Italian chin flick to say 'I don't care'. In line with the Law of Cause and Effect, this brought on a lot of learnings that didn't necessarily come up in the most healthy ways but in searching for tools to process what bubbled up, the universe guided me towards a journey of spiritual awakening that finally had me tap into deeper learnings from early sources in my life like A Conversation with God (to err is human, to forgive, divine) or the Christian Bible that at the time, certain parts did not make a lot of sense.

"Spirituality is the path of the heart. It is the path of using the mind in a loving way. But in order to do this, we must discipline ourselves to do so because the world view, the mental filter, that dominates the planet is not a mental filter based on love. It is a mental filter that is based on fear. And so, '[A] Course in Miracles' [("ACIM")] tells us that even though we were born with the natural tendency to give and to receive love from a very early age, we are taught a world view that is not based on love and proactively, repudiates and resists love. As a consequence, [ACIM] says by the time we are pretty early age, that which is natural thinking actually feels unnatural to us. And that which is unnatural feels natural. so that we instinctively at this point go from the wrong-minded perception. We are instinctively lured and tempted towards the anger, towards the toughness, towards the separation, towards the attack and towards the defense. The spiritual journey is a dismantling of the thought system that dominates the world. [ACIM] says enlightenment is not a learning. It is an unlearning. It is an unlearning of perspective of fear and substituting instead the perspective of love, which is God's perspective, which is natural to who we are."

~ Marianne Williamson - How To Dissolve Darkness, September 20, 2022 

With that also came a number of people coming in and out of my orbit on their own spiritual journey. Yet similar to the sex positive community, I have discovered a lot of people who have used spirituality as a way to manipulate others and/or to self-declare that they are enlightened beings as if it is some special badge. Having fallen into the lure and sense of belonging that organized religion provides and the subsequent detrimental judgement and outcasting that brings on isolation and detachment, I have luckily been able to 'feel' those situations and not get too enmeshed. With the current political environment all over the world, the psychology behind cults have taken center stage with many saying that the followers have been brainwashed, implying that people can't think for themselves.

"The Secret" movie was created to share a universal law that isn't so secret and can even be found in ancient texts, including Matthew 21:22, to the masses. In what appears to be someone's moment of sales/get/scarcity mentality (looking out for self) rather than service/give/abundance mentality (looking out for others), Abraham Hicks was asked to give up their intellectual property or be removed from the production. Although contractually, they had a viable suit, they decided to walk the path of least resistance with the guidance from Abraham that says "Whenever you are given an ultimatum that says, 'if you don't do this, then we will have to do such and such,' it is best that you just let it go and move on. Otherwise, there is always another, and this, and this, and this?" Unfortunately, the critical moments that were scrapped also provided the context in utilizing Law of Attraction from a place of service rather than self, leaving "The Secret" to feel a lot about manifesting material attachments. Ironically, "The Secret" talks about knowledge being surpressed; however, by removing Abraham Hicks, they have further suppressed the "secret" by 'dumbing down' the guidance without the spiritual context.

In both the sex positive and spiritual communities, I have witnessed how words like 'consent', 'compersion', 'law of attraction', 'manifestation', 'nonviolent communications', 'high vibrational people', etc. have been used in vain and becomes back-handed judgements to further isolate people (into fear) rather than support a sense of belonging (into love). If someone doesn't have money flowing towards them, it is perceived as the person having a lot of blockages and therefore, unable to manifest money. Yet in the spirit of the Law of Attraction, manifesting for the ego is the antithesis to coming from a place of love.

"Language is a leader's charisma. It's what empowers them to create a mini universe - a system of values and truths - and then compel their followers to heed its rules...Without language, there are no 'cults'...But with a glimmer of willingness, language can do so much to squash independent thinking, obscure truths, encourage confirmation bias, and emotionally charge experiences such that no other way of life seems possible."

~ Amanda Montell (Daily Beast, June 27, 2021) 

While there isn't an overarching leader, the New Age movement that has people migrating to Tulum, Bali or Hawaii has quite the cult following, including various sects with defined leaders like The Miracle School where leaders have been accused of abusing their power and manipulating followers for perverse goals. Many of these sects work much like a Ponzi scheme, encouraging followers to recruit others to create their own mini-community. Followers feel judged and shamed for not 'doing the work' to gain some magical enlightenment. I have found that many, in and out of these mini-communities, profess to have gifts like channeling, energy work, past lives readings, etc. One day they may be talking about their traumas, and the next they have 'fixed' all their traumas and are now providing these 'magical' services, claiming that they are coming from a place of love and light, yet watching them in their everyday interactions indicate otherwise. 

Talking about how they only hang out with 'high vibe' people or stating that they don't attract drama at the same time that they are implying that you are bringing the drama into their lives or claiming that their negative reaction to you was a response based on the energy that they supposedly saw coming from you ... seems like a lot of gaslighting, projection and lack of awareness that they are the other side of that equation that they are not taking the responsibility for their own actions/reactions as they talk down to you from their pedestal of 'light worker' and violating your energy and/or manipulating and silencing you by stating that they supposedly can see that your energy does not come from love, despite you knowing otherwise. Jesus did not 'boast' about being the son of God and all his 'magical' gifts when he was washing the feet of his disciples. He did not claim that someone's truth wasn't true. The gifts are all in us, and as with such powers come responsibility and morals to use them ethically. Consent is not only a term in the sexual realm but also in the spiritual to not violate someone's energy.  As Montell notes, stating something that cannot be validated such as what one perceives as another's energy or motivation without considering one's filter and confirmation bias can be damaging and toxic in a community where others have suspended independent thinking and follow the majority.

Much like reclaiming the cunt (part 1) and a box of crayons, alarm bells started ringing in my ears when someone yesterday made reference to ACIM seemingly to validate her point of view that people are responsible for going through their own journey without anyone sharing their experiences for the person to make a more informed decision and/or so the person can learn from others' experiences, lest it takes away their free will. When she brought up the analogy, she seemed to be confusing the not being able to make a horse drink with not even leading the horse to water, implying that none of it was our responsibility. This didn't seem aligned to my current experience with the teachings emphasizing that we are here to be of service to others and look out for each other, as we are all connected. While a horse may be responsible for drinking the water, the collective can at least step in to lead the horse to water and guide it in how to satiate its thirst. 

This concept of letting people fend for themselves is quite like the mindset of some women and minorities in Corporate America that feel as if someone has to go through the same trials and tribulations to get to the top rather than paving the way for others and mentoring them. There is a saying of the collective consciousness, "I heal you, I heal myself. I heal me, I heal you." Rather than having a healthy debate, any counter thought was quickly dismissed. When the herd mentality kicks in, the one who dares to check in with his/her self is left isolated. Unfortunately, that little girl teared up in her frustration and found herself apologizing, when nobody should apologize for sticking to their truths (saudade (part 4)).

In the past, these moments of un-ease would have me in my head all night, questioning everything. But somewhere in the discomfort, I had passed out and while I know I dreamt, I couldn't remember any specifics but it was the calm knowing that caused me to wake up with a big smile on my face this morning. I re-listened to Williamson's livestream yesterday, and although it seemed to just be information to absorb yesterday, her words today only reinforced that knowing that I woke up with. While many of the New Agers focus on the concept of taking responsibility for our own healing, they have neglected the collective conscious. She emphasizes that we can misuse the mind but we cannot 'obliterate the eternal connection'. While some in the herd want to hang out in neutral territory, ACIM, according to Williamson, says that there are no neutral thoughts. If we are not creating light, then darkness will creep in. She notes that good intentions are not enough, providing the analogy that one shouldn't just let a person shoot heroin, thinking that the person will have a lot of time to figure it out themselves. We have things to teach each other, and ACIM points out that each of us are only a half step ahead or behind each other. So if whoever we may teach (or demonstrate to) is only a half step behind us; if we weren't as far back as we are, who would demonstrate to that person otherwise?

Another tell of the gifts being misused was when she had disclosed only a few hours before she referenced ACIM to supposedly validate her point that she hadn't and didn't feel the need to read ACIM, perhaps implying that she already knew its wisdom. Williamson often points out that she has been studying it since the 1970s and still views herself as a pupil in its application. I realized how much someone's ego can quickly have me retraining my muscle memory, honing in on my intuition and trusting my self. For the same reason why I read the Bible (cover to cover) so that I could call into question how many misquote/misuse the Bible for selfish reasons, this has just boost my conviction to complete ACIM.

It is akin to being able to quickly suss out whether someone was truly informed and had watched the entire Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial, or whether he/she took snippets of testimony played in mainstream media, completely missing the context where the witness committed perjury, highlighting that person's inauthenticity and ignorance.

While I may not be on Lesson 137, it didn't take long for me to find at least one of the teachings on this very topic (emphasis added):

"When I am healed, I am not healed alone...

8. Healing is freedom. For it demonstrates that dreams will not prevail against the truth. Healing is shared. And by this attribute it proves that laws unlike the ones which hold sickness is inevitable are more potent than their sickly opposites. Healing is strength. For by its gentle hand is weakness overcome, and minds that were walled off within a body free to join with other minds, to be forever strong...

10. And as you let yourself be healed, you see all those around you, or who crossed your mind, or whom you touch or those who seem to have no contact with you, healed along with you. Perhaps you will not recognize them all, nor realize how great your offering to all the world, when you let healing come to you. But you are never healed alone. And legions upon legions will receive the gift that you receive when you are healed.

11. Those who are healed become the instruments of healing. Nor does the time elapse between the instant they are healed, and all the grace of healing it is given them to give. What is opposed to God does not exist, and who accepts it not within his mind becomes a haven where the weary can remain to rest. For here is truth bestowed, and here are all illusions brought to truth...

 14. Yet must we be prepared for such a gift. And so we will begin the day with this, and give ten minutes to these thoughts with which we will conclude today at night as well:

'When I am healed I am not healed alone. And I would share my healing with the world, that sickness may be banished from the mind of God's one Son, Who is my only Self.'"

~ ACIM - Lesson 137 

As with Abraham Hicks, this post serves as my choosing to let that negative energy go and move on.

* * * * *

Update September 22, 2022:

Similar to Williamson's livestream, when my friend recited this quote to me yesterday, it didn't hit me as much as when I heard it again the next day after an experience has worked through me. So it is not coincidence when this popped up in my Insight Timer this morning:

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

~ Mark Twain

Our neighbor asked me this morning about the guest. When she asked how it was going? I knew that she knew. She had picked up negative energy from the person and had told her husband that she did not want to be around that. As she had been going through her own trauma healing, she has been careful about who she allows into her world. It feels empowering when I shift my perspective (as Williamson deems 'miracle') and realize that isolation is always an amazing place to be when we stay true to ourselves and to God.

11:11 (part 13)

As with truth or dare, I have always been aware of the lead up to the anniversary of that fateful day. Learnings and synchronicities over the years (full circle (part 7)) have lessened the survivor's guilt that I suffered for so long (a lil' part of history and carpe diem), memorializing that reminder at the base of the nape of my neck (11:11 (part 4)) and capturing the ripple effects from the stone skipping series.

Being on this island, surrounded by the vast blue of the ocean and lush green of the land, waking up to sunrises or falling asleep to the glistening reflection of the moonlight over the ocean, lulled by the music of the native birds and the gentle ocean breezes, seem to have stopped time and the hustle and bustle of the chaos in the world for me. For the first time in decades, I hadn't once thought of this day.

With my roommate being gravely ill for the last few days (and my pseudo quarantining), yesterday was our first day to venture out together to shake the cobwebs. A chance promotion at a local grocery store had me trying to determine if it was the second Sunday of the month, noticing a flyer at the cash register publishing the actual date. For a split second, it was just like any other date, especially written out in long form. As I looked up to step into the queue, it hit me like a ton of bricks, silently mouthing to myself 9/11.

I was surprised by the sudden wave of sadness that overcame my body, perhaps because of the drastic mood change. With intention, I decided to shake if off, and when we went for shaved ice afterwards, I was reminded of the lasting effects it had on New Yorkers when a couple started a conversation with us in what seemed like a benign gesture, yet it made me remembered how friendly and kind we were all to each other in the aftermath.

In the shadow of saudade (part 3), I woke up this morning to:

"Thought about you yesterday, 9/11. Thrilled you're still here ❤️"

juxtaposition

Barren vs. Lush

Down by the hot pockets, the stark vastness of the devastation from five years ago is interspersed between the varying flora the Big Island has to offer along Route 137 in bushwhack country where everything is off grid, and rules seem to be lacking. While some roads were built and reconnected over the lava rocks, many remain buried. A few homes have been rebuilt on top of the black canvas, but with infrastructure completely wiped, many lots remain abandoned.

Sporadically, one can see the lucky souls whose homes were spared, oftentimes, barely as lava rocks abut within mere feet of the perimeter of the abode. The eruption lasted the entire summer of 2018 from May to August, impacting the air quality of the island (much like the aftermath of 9/11 (carpe diem and for whom the bell tolls)), forcing many to relocate to the mainland or surrounding islands. Some never returned.

When the lava lake at Halemu'uma'u overflowed onto the floor of the crater in the spring, it was an omen to something happening soon as the pressure continued to increase, until the lake collapsed (pū'iwa), draining the magma underground until it spewed a little above the Lower East Rift Zone, southeast of the island, bringing tens of thousands of earthquakes during that period.

Lava rocks for miles

Parts of the Lower Puna coastline has still yet to recover, taking out over thirty miles of road (including three miles of the Red Road between Pohoiki and Kapoho), ultimately covering almost fourteen square miles of land with many stories deep of lava, and displacing over 2,000 people.

The Big Island is the only one of the Hawaiian islands that has active volcanos. While the other islands are instituting policies to combat erosion (ease-dropping), the volcanic activity in 2018 added almost 900 acres of new land to the island, including the land surrounding the four additional hot ponds at Pohoiki (hot pockets).

The natives consider Mauna Kea (to infinity and beyond) and Mauna Loa (pū'iwa) (and the surrounding areas) sacred land, leaving prayers and ho'okupu (offerings) to Pele, in hopes of tempering her ire. Yet with her destruction comes creation - the circle of life.

saudade (part 3)

Death is an interesting thing. For many of us, we spend our entire lives fearing it. For some of us, we seem to think it will reunite us with our 'forever person'. Perhaps that is why there are countless stories about elderly couples or family members who die shortly after the other, called the 'broken heart syndrome'. Think Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds or June Carter and Johnny Cash. Todd Fisher, Reynold's son, noted that she had said she wanted to be with Carrie, but clarified that rather from a broken heart, she had chosen to be with her daughter as she didn't want Carrie to be alone.

"The spirit of June Carter overshadows me tonight with the love she had for me and the love I have for her. We connect somewhere between here and Heaven. She came down for a short visit, I guess, from Heaven to visit with me tonight to give me courage and inspiration like she always has. She's never been one for me except courage and inspiration. I thank God for June Carter. I lover her with all my heart."

~ Johnny Cash (July 5, 2003) 

During my time on this island, death seems to be a reminder of the cycle of life. Today, the current owner of a property that my friend/roommate is purchasing had to put her Cleo down. Cleo was so spritely when I met her at a dinner party a couple of weeks ago. About to start a new adventure in Oahu, she was her mistress' companion and a connection to a past that she was going to leave behind...only to now leave her mistress to venture on her own.

And then for a small minority, we see it as salvation from unbearable pain. My roommate learned last week while we were at the Magic Sands Beach in Kona that his friend had an episode and committed suicide. They had just spoken the day it happened, which serves as a very potent reminder that we never know what is going on with others no matter how close we think we are to them.

Yoon Se-Ri was a reminder to her stepmother (Han Jeong-yeon) of her failure as a woman and wife, blaming herself for her husband's affair. For the longest time, I was convinced that I was my father's 'love child' from his military days as some rationalization to what appeared to be my mother's 'hatred' for me (full circle (part 3)).

"Ever since that day, there's a chilling night sea in my heart. And the sun never shines on that sea. No matter how many times I counted, the sun never showed up. And you never came back.

Ever since then, one thought lingered in my mind...'Why did I come to this world and turn my mom's life into a living hell? It would've been better had I not been born. I feel sorry for breathing." 

~ Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode  12)

Se-Ri went to Switzerland in search of assisted suicide (CLoY - Episode 2), feeling as she had no home to return to. In Episode 9, she shares with Ri Jeong-Hyeok when they realize that the song that she heard on the lake that kept her alive was one he wrote and played on the piano while waiting for his transport.

"That day, I was really lonely. I truly wished to die then. I wanted to go to a beautiful place and quietly disappear so I didn't trouble anybody. That's why I went there [Iseltwald on Lake Brienz]. But you were ... there. Even when you didn't know it, you saved my life."

Many believe that those who choose to take their own lives are selfish, and perhaps in some way, not wanting to be thought of as a selfish person was one reason why I didn't go through with it (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)). 

"You know the thing about suicide...you don't just kill yourself. You kill every memory of you. This will be all everyone remembers, Jamie. Every second you spend on this Earth will be reduced to how you chose to leave it. No one will mourn your loss, son, because this isn't losing your life. This is quitting it. 

... I won't let you. Because it's selfish! It's the single most selfish thing a person can do!

Your grandfather used to say that you can't fix a broken wagon wheel. But you can use the parts to make a new one."

~ John Dutton (Yellowstone - Season 2, Episode 7) 

Having been on both sides of this coin, I think that the expanse between those struggling mentally and those like Dutton et al. can be too wide a gap to bridge in some instances. I often hear the living postulating why the person didn't seek help or give any indications of their situation. Yet, in many cases, they do or did. Sometimes it is ignored, sometimes it is minimized or often times, I think people just don't want or know how to deal with it, hoping someone else is stepping in.

Aren't those blaming the person for being selfish in reality the selfish ones? Aren't they hoping the person stays alive for their own sake, at the cost of the pain and anguish of the individual? We don't want them to die so that we don't have to deal with grief and loss as we go about our everyday lives. Yet, we haven't stepped into the shoes of that person's everyday life to understand the suffering, the voices, the hallucinations and the loneliness. As with Se-Ri, death seems like a solution to not continue to burden those you love.

While the stepmother left Se-Ri alone on the beach (saudade (part 2)), she couldn't have been too far away as she somehow had observed Se-Ri counting (CLoY - Episode 4). While the sun may not have been visible to Se-Ri, the sun was reflecting on the moon as the light in the sky. Similar to Se-Ri, birthdays were a source of unhappy memories for me (full circle (part 6)). Although I have recently tried to change the energy by finding a new experience every birthday (with new templates...the party continues), the taint still lingers like survivor's guilt after 9/11 (carpe diem).

"Next year, the year after that, and even the one after that, will all be good. Because I'll be thinking about you. I'll be grateful that you were born into this world. I'll be grateful that the person I love is still breathing. That's why your birthday will always be a good day."

~ Ri Jeong-Hyeok (CLoY - Episode 12)

No longer having social media to remind people of birthdays has significantly reduced the birthday wishes to a handful of friends and family. As an annual ritual, I'm not sure that he (moments that matter (part 6)) is grateful that I was born but at least for a brief moment, someone is thinking about me.

Whether it was in Switzerland on the piano or in the market place with a candle (saudade (part 2)), Jeong-Hyeok represented the sun on the sea when there was the cry, silent or not. Sometimes it is being in the right place, at the right time. While one may have taken the wrong train (to infinity and beyond), it turns out to be the right train for one to be on for someone else (hug it out). What we may rationalize as pure coincidence is the interconnectedness of the university, with a single point of infinite density and time continuum. Se-Ri echoed that time in my life ...

"Back then, I didn't want to live. I thought it'd be nice to spend my final moments in a place with beautiful scenery. But during the trip, I realized that I did not want to die. I just didn't want to live. I just needed some consolation. I'd never live the kind of life where I could be loved by those whom I love, but I still wanted to hear someone say that I could live and that I must keep on living.

And right at that moment, that melody started playing as if it was the answer to my prayer. 'You can live. You must get through this.' It gave me solace."

~ Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode 7) 

Listening to her memorial service today, the Jewish have a tradition that helps provide closures for the living. As the casket is lowered, it is an opportunity for one to either ask for forgiveness or to forgive for any unresolved hurts. For those who felt she was selfish, that would be a time for them to forgive her and know that she is no longer suffering.

"I'll see you around if fate allows."

~ Gu Seung-jun  (CLoY - Episode 4)

to infinity and beyond

With the bright lights of city life, the twinkle of the night sky gets muted. A memorable moment for me was my first time on LSD and staring at the night sky above Joshua Tree. The dancing clouds amidst the backdrop of distant stars and moonlight was a visual art performance to behold.

I did not realize though that our atmosphere with the haze, air flow and moisture tend to distort the night sky with extinction (dimmer) and seeing (blurry), including airglow and aurora, reflections of light back onto us. At almost 14,000 feet above sea level and with its arid climate and stable airflow, Mauna Kea has one of the best conditions for stargazing. Continuing with new templates...the party continues (rub-a-dub-dub), laying on sacred land to glimpse the planets and other glowing orbs seem to be a fascinating new experience to an ancestral memory of native life.

"The best way to know if land is truly undiscovered is to seek words to describe it. When you can't, you know it's virgin land. Untouched by our dirty hands. To see it is to be silenced by it. Made speechless by its endless uniformity...

To crest a rise is to see another that is identical. One must read the sun and stars like a sailor to navigate this place. We've seen nothing but grass for over a week: no game, no birds, no snakes, not even a lizard, and no evidence the human race still exists... 

The dirty hand of man can go unnoticed in the city. Because his dirty hand made the city. But in this place, where innocence is a mineral in the soil, the filth of our touch is an apocalypse."

~ Elsa Dutton (1883 - Season 1, Episode 7)

In addition to the conservation and protection of the surrounding lands, laws ensure minimal light pollution around the island. Only 4x4s are allowed up to the summit. Lava rocks as far as the eye can see, there doesn't seem to be any life around as we ascended with periodic reminders to be mindful of altitude sickness. We are blessed with sunrises on the Hilo side but as we continued our climb up to the summit, the barrenness was filled with the juxtaposition of the amber and indigo hues from the West and East of the island.

Snuggled under blankets, breathing in the crisp, cold air, I was silenced by the awesomeness all around me. Without the atmosphere blurring what we see, humans can see approximately 5,000 stars with the naked eye. Absent the distortion from the Earth's atmosphere, I could even see the outline of the dark side of the moon as it sunk from the horizon of the ever-changing night sky, a reminder that not only the Earth is still spinning but also the moon is orbiting us.

Milky Way

What I thought were wisps of clouds turned out to be the Milky Way, as I was quickly reminded that we were above the clouds. I had overheard others nearby exclaiming sightings of shooting stars. While I was silently declaring that I wanted to see a shooting star before we left, I quickly dashed the thought away, as an emphasis to myself to be open to the experience without any expectations. I was rewarded with not one but two shooting stars, satellites and even a ... UFO sighting.

My friend was commenting that he hoped to see a UFO. I felt as if I had split with a part of me listening to his words and the other part completely entranced by a light, different than the other orbs in the sky. Unlike the satellites that we saw that night that seemed to glide by the stars in a trajectory, this one appeared to be flitting. Without thinking, I soon cut him off and asked if he sees this, pointing in the direction to guide his eyes. Just as he said it was getting brighter, it soon looked like it ascended as the light dimmed and then disappeared.

Birthdays have always been a day of reflection for me. Most of them have come with sadness...a wanting and wondering if and where I went astray from my path or destiny. Heading up Mauna Kea, I was in awe of what I was seeing ahead of us while my friend was admiring the beauty in his rear view mirror.

"There is an Indian proverb that goes, 'Sometimes, the wrong train takes you to the right station.' It was like that for me, too. Throughout my life, I always felt like I was on the wrong train. One time, I wanted to give up. I didn't want to go anywhere. So I thought about jumping off the train.

Look where I am now. I took the wrong train again, and a very wrong one at that. It even got me across the 38th parallel! 

Still, you should think about the future even if things don't always go as you wish. I wish you could be happy ... I want you to arrive at the right station no matter which train you take."

~ Yoon Se-Ri (CLoY - Episode 5)

As I looked through the side mirror when he told me to look at the view behind us, I was too focused on capturing the picture but as I scrolled through my photos tonight, what laid ahead and behind me were vastly different. In the present moment, it feels much like I got on the wrong train again, and like Se-Ri at that moment, we can derisively laugh at our situations. Yet, on this day, for a split second, in a moment of reflection, perchance, one can see a beauty in the snapshot in time where things may not have gone as I had wished but the wrong train did give me this moment of pulchritudinous respite of nature.

In the end, will destiny eventually guide me to the right station regardless of the countless wrong trains I had to take to get to bliss? Thinking about the future sounds akin to ... hope (ftale).

ease-dropping

Private property signs

In Hawaii, any land below the highest wave line (where wet sand meets dry sand during high tide) is considered public property. The public has an implied easement by dedication (a common law right to access to the shoreline via beach transit corridors on private property). It is one of the most common easement disputes on the islands, and historically, property owners had been creative in how they have discouraged people from accessing the shoreline, such as overgrowth of vegetation or building seawalls, further eroding shoreline available to the public.

Approximately a quarter of Hawaii's shoreline has been erased due to seawalls that have been installed both legally and illegally. Despite Hawaii's constitution, the wealthy coastal property owners, including one in Oahu tied to the Obamas, have been able to get around loopholes and/or pay to limit the public's access to shorelines.

The Department of Land and Natural Resources Office of Conservation and Coastal Lands is responsible for ensuring that governmental accesses are well maintained and that property owners, who are subject to fines and misdemeanors, are in compliance. We had heard that there was a path including five ladders down to the shoreline from our rental property. While not the easiest beach to get to, locals have ventured the trek for prime fishing. Unfortunately, the path we took led us back up to the road and we could never find the supposed ladders, even after using a drone to scope out the cliff which was entirely covered by vegetation.

Despite rumors of a dispute with the government over access rights, the property owner(s) near Lyman Bay (mermaid tears) have surprisingly cultivated a marvelous trail, carved from the local flora, along the Kapue Stream, showcasing its grandeur and history.

hot pockets

Kehena Black Sand Beach

The first time I went to a nude/topless optional beach was in Greece when my friend and I were meeting a B-school classmate in his home country. Unfamiliar with the local customs, we didn't find out until later that it is legal to go topless at all beaches in Greece, and while a conservative country with its religious affiliations, naturism has popped up at unofficial spots throughout the country and surrounding islands.

Typical American women in our 20s, we were fascinated by the Europeans' 'joie de vivre'. We spent countless minutes debating on whether we should or should not, especially since we were thousands of miles away from anyone we would know (other than our friend who was joining us later). Ultimately, we talked ourselves out of it. 

Soon thereafter, an elderly women laid her belongings near us and started to disrobe. Most likely, she was a bronzed goddess in her day and it was clear that she came from a time where SPF was not a factor in the fountain of youth. While buxom, gravity had taken its toll. In silence, we looked at each other and almost in synchrony reached back to untie our respective bikini tops. Later, in recounting the experience, we both realized that the woman had something that our womanhood craved...an air of confidence that nobody could ever touch.

After swimming in the ocean and feeling the movement of the water against my sensitive nipples, I felt such a sense of liberation and perhaps for the first time, the possibilities of where my body would take me if I let it. Unfortunately, our 'prudish upbringing' had us covering up before our friend joined us. While I have been on clothing-optional beaches since then, I stayed in conformity with my fellow companions.

The Pahoa area is a bit of the Wild West where people live off grid and seemingly no rules. At the top of the cliff are ad hoc food vendors, offering fruit and some grilled meats off the back of the trucks, a front for a side business offering herbal and plant medicine.

coconut refreshment

Unlike other clothing optional beaches I have gone to over the years, Kehena Beach was the first one where it seemed completely judgement free, regardless of whether one chose naturism, fully clothed and all variations in between. Children and pets, including chickens, were welcomed, and although there was no trash repositories anywhere, everyone embraced the Burning Man principle of 'leaving no trace' (rub-a-dub-dub). 

On Sundays, there is an amazing improv drum circle that resonates primitive sacral beats against the roaring of the surf. The energy of the place (a likely combination of Mother Nature and the inhabitants) felt different from saudade (part 2), perhaps laced with that air the Greek woman exuded. It was still there today even without the frivolity of the drum circle.

My first time a few weeks ago, I once again found myself falling into stride with my companion. Perhaps in rebellion of her judgments against women in alternative lifestyles and/or perhaps entranced by the primal movements of an African man with a body of Adonis, I felt the siren song of the elderly Greek woman from decades before. Although out of politeness, I asked my companion a few weeks ago and my companion today if they would be uncomfortable, it was more a gesture of formality. 

The last few years of exploration has gotten me more comfortable in my own skin. As I embraced that air that is untouchable today, I find myself wondering how the Greek woman's story unfolded and how her journey got her to place where her aura touched two strangers, and left a mark on at least one.

* * * * *

Lava a few stories deep

Along the road to Kehena Beach is a juxtaposition of the dense forest and the barren black, a souvenir from the last eruption at Kīlauea's east rift zone in 2018. At the east side of Pohoiki Bay is where the new meets the old as the lava was halted by the coolness of the ocean waters, about 200 yards from the Isaac Hale Beach Park parking lot. Now cut off from Kapoho Bay and Leilani Estates, this part of the world is a bit remote but a little persistence and a beautiful surprise awaits amongst the lava rocks.

Unlike other hot springs on the mainland, the hot ponds at Pohoiki is clear and is trapped by the surrounding black sand or lava rocks created from the ocean currents inundating the bay with sediment from past eruptions. The water is heated underground by the active volcano and is released in various vents. The pond furthest from the ocean is the hottest and has registered temperatures as hot as 106 degrees, rising since 2020, which some believe are due to the brackish salt-water that has changed the water table underground, elevating the fresh-water to higher temperatures. The tides also seem to influence the temperatures throughout the day.

While not quite the texture of pumice stones, the lava rocks provided a decent alternative to exfoliation, and an impromptu soak in the hot ponds provided by Pele with the minerals from Papa or Ka-luahine was a beautiful way to end the day. We also met a lovely blue heeler named Kiko who amazingly was not deterred by the heated ponds, playing catch with me while her master floated in the pond.

* * * * *

Perhaps supercharged from the vibrations of the Earth, an inexplicable incident occurred as we stepped into the Thai restaurant in Pāhoa that evening. Another patron and my friend recognized each other from the hot ponds. I didn't quite connect the gentleman but maybe he was the person I clambered passed as we got to the smaller but hotter pond amongst the trees. I only saw his back as he was sitting, gathering his things. 

He was seated facing the windows while reading his book, waiting for his order. As the night progressed, I felt this pull on the left side of my body, which was facing him although he was not in my line of sight. I'm not sure when I made the recognition that it may have been attributed to him, but as my friend chatted with him on the way back from the restroom, I started to clean out my inbox on my phone, when I came across the word from a listing from the Redfin email at the same time he named the town he was staying in on the island...Pepeekeo. The first time I had seen or heard it, a mere five minutes from our rental.

Hesitant to voice it but driven to acknowledge it, I mentioned the strange feeling in my body and the simultaneous visual and auditory echoing of his town. Even as I put words to it, my throat started to constrict. I don't know when he left but I felt it as my body slowly released the tension. It was as if there is a knowing of his energy, perchance from another life or a foreboding or sanguinity yet to be fulfilled. I knew it was not the last time I would see Matt.