synchronicity (part 2)

 "The more validation I need, the less discernment I have."

~ Kurt Hanks 

This excursion never really had a 'honeymoon' period, tumbling right into a trigger on the first date that allowed me to heal from a similar experience almost a year before (11:11 (part 14)). With the intention of walking into this journey with a 'friend' to mirror and reflect on triggers that may come up to end patterns (saudade (part 5), bluebird, saudade (part 6), and patois), it seemed a bit quicker and easier to process and see the patterns from a different perspective, perhaps from a perceived trust built on friendship.

In what I felt was unlocking some part of me that allowed me to feel truly 'safe' with a man (bluebird) or to feel a deeper connection with someone who could read my body as I've only experienced with one other (bubble of bliss), I am wondering if that has more to do with my own growth and how I show up in connections, rather than someone providing such safety or awareness of my body.

Similar to calming the mind, the universe opens up doors and opportunities that quickly usher me along, reminding me to keep moving and growing. Yet, there was a final lesson to be learned, something that has been on the perimeter of my journey since consciously starting this exploration in 2016. 

I realized that he represented aspects of others before him - from seeing white (part 2), who surrounded himself with 'friends' whom he never felt comfortable being himself, numbing themselves and judging others, to bubble of bliss, who in the end, let life jade him to be a shadow of who he once was, putting up walls so as not to ever connect with someone at a deep level again (weightless). While the former 'ghosted', he showed up months later (supernova), explaining that being in a container where he felt safe being himself showed him a side of himself that made him realize how unhappy he was and the choices he had made, which caused him to run as he chose 'ignorance' rather than 'bliss'. While he has shown up again a time or two over the years, it is with the same energy of some nostalgia of what could have been had he been more courageous and how deep he has gotten with the ongoing decisions in his life that have brought him more shame and/or have made him a complete stranger to himself.

While it saddens me that a 'friend' wouldn't communicate that he wasn't courageous enough or ready for the growth, he was also choosing to repeat patterns of masterminding his friends to validate his choices in life. While I had created nicknames in the past so that friends wouldn't negatively judge people I dated if they ever meet them (missing in action), his approach was to get validation by demonizing his partners, reminiscent of my first (moments that matter (part 6)). Unfortunately, that forces him into a corner where he cannot be present with positive energy of working things out with his partner, without clarifying his prior actions based on untruths to others, when he is fearful of his friends judging him for staying in what they perceived to be 'toxic', his own creation.

The self-sabotage that went on for months created chaos/drama that was futile. Ultimately, he could not own his own decision and actions and felt the need to create situations that forced him into it, so as not to be accountable to himself for his own self-harm. In closing my patterns though, I know I showed up authentically and lovingly. I was able to work through old patterns with the discernment to change behaviors. More importantly, breaking another pattern I had fallen into in the past, I also do not feel any 'guilt' for feeling as if I gave up on someone - he gave up on himself.

There seems to have been a shift since spiritual masters, whereby incorporating the universal law of vibration with the universal law of attraction, I realize that another pattern I choose to change is trying to be 'heard' or 'not handicapped'. Seeing the lengths he went through to numb emotions allowed me to truly reflect on my growth in the last few years as I connect with mine, honing in on my understanding of the breadth and complexities of them to let my higher self/intuition guide me. People will treat me the way they want to treat me. My power is whether I let them do so. I can pinpoint to the exact time where I felt a shift in his energy. It was palpable although we were thousands of miles apart. Yet, I allowed him to make me question the negative vibrations I was feeling, rather than choosing to focus on activities that made me feel 'good' and repelling the negativity. Subconsciously, even my body was rejecting by pushing him out and off, when he tried to make our sex transactional, despite him mistakenly thinking it was due to orgasms.

When someone self-sabotages because our 'closeness' was scaring him, the only thing left for me to feel is compassion for him by sending him a lot of positive vibrations for his journey, as authentic connections is what makes life worth living. It probably doesn't bode well for any type of 'interaction' when our astrological chart notes:

"You and [BDC] have an unusually strong connection. Even if there are other tensions between you - there's an aspect of the connection that is especially enjoyable and probably makes both of you feel more confident.

You and [BDC] might feel closer to each other than you do with other friends."

~ The Pattern 

While I may listen to the universe (or 'be one with the mountain'), it isn't everyone's journey. In reconnecting with an ex last night, with my recently learnt boundaries established, we were able to explain his initial reaction to me that we couldn't explain other than perhaps residual 'past life karma'. Much like BDC, his irritation was due to the significant gap in our vibrations, and he was subconsciously threatened by the higher vibration, given where he was in his life at the time (11:11 (part 11)).

I am excited at my progress, while not always smooth, has been rewarding, especially to set me up for me to embrace my true calling in life...to just experience, which has come up in QHHT as well as a friend's channeling. My partners are also elevating in our compatibility from 'Meaningful' to 'Extraordinary'.

"Your destiny is to be able to relax and enjoy your life without guilt. Try to immerse yourself in things that feel good and to savor your experiences. It's okay to be on the receiving end in life; learn to appreciate your patience and ability to stay present in the moment. You may have artistic tendencies and you certainly have excellent taste, whether it's in food, people, clothes, or art. It's important to carve out time for yourself and engage your senses.

In your relationship experiences, you may end up with or expect partners who are out of the ordinary. The average type won't do. You tend to go for unconventional, rebellious, or extremely intelligent people."

~ The Pattern

* * * * *

Update April 24, 2023:

After asking an ex if he remembered 11:11 (part 11), I received the following, a reminder that everyone's journey has its own timing and small actions/moments that may seem inconsequential may have lasting ripple effects in someone's life.

"Yes, I certainly do remember. Reading this made me cry, and I wanted to stop after I knew what it was, but I realized instantly that this was a confirmation of why you're back in my life right now. I've had the best 7 days as of today [that] I've had since I moved here, doing all the things that make me most proud of myself without missing a beat. I have been working on radical self-forgiveness, knowing that forgiving myself for all the stuff with you would be the final box I'd eventually have to open. to be honest, it still scares me half to death to think about, but I can see that, likely without your [sic] even knowing, you're giving me opportunities to take it in small chunks. I have a lot of grieving to do before I can forgive myself, but thank you for sending me this."

patois

 "Die Grenzen meiner Sprache bedeuten die Grenzen meiner Welt."

 ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein (Tractatus Logico Philosophicus, 1921) 

Roughly translated, he says "[t]he limits of my language mean the limits of my world." Imagine the walls around us when our vocabulary is not as expansive of our experiences. Emotional granularity is our ability to differentiate the specificity of our emotions, which is positively correlated to our mental and physical well-being.

Wittgenstein also argued "God" has different meanings in different communities that requires understanding context and the experiences of the user within the linguistic community. Are we even talking about the same thing?

Rice is a big staple in many Asian cultures, and therefore, many of the Asian languages have numerous words for rice, from the various types to the various stages of the rice production process. However, in English, rice is limited to one word (albeit differentiated by adjectives like brown or white). 

In addition to vocabulary, context is a big factor. During my time in Asia, I learned that although many Westerners think that sarcasm doesn't exist in Asia, it is a lot more subtle than the American version. Even my mother and cousin (stone skipping (part 8)) always seemed to miss how my father and I communicated with our sarcastic banter (full circle (part 5)).

When he recently asked me what I thought he felt when his ex said something to him, I thought he was asking me to guess his response, rather than that he struggled to find the description to the emotion he was feeling. He could only distinguish it as 'not feeling good'. From his musings, it seemed to me like saudade (part 1), a Portuguese word that doesn't have a direct translation to English. I recently struggled to explain my love for surprises with what seemed like a disproportionate amount of giddiness at the experience, that somehow was perfectly defined as pū'iwa in the Hawaiian language. 

Our ability to properly identify emotions equip us in not only sharing our experiences with others but also with allowing us to properly regulate them. Identifying the accurate positive emotion would enable us to replicate it while identifying the wrong negative emotion would completely throw our body and nervous system in the wrong direction.

For most humans, our main emotions are happy, sad and angry. Language doesn't just carry the emotions but it changes it for us, in how we navigate it in our lives. Even emotions like shame and guilt or anxious and overwhelmed seemed to be used interchangeably. Yet, guilt is understanding that what someone did was wrong while shame is believing that your whole being is wrong. Processing the former may take us to learn from the mistake and apologize, knowing it was a mistake that doesn't define someone, while the latter tends to take someone into deeper insecurities and 'shame cycle' that can result in allowing it to define us.

At the top of a taste of heaven, it took my breath away. When I have epiphanies like saudade (part 6) or experiences like sound healing, similar behaviors like tears of joy, difficulties catching my breath, or goosebumps and feeling small and connected to the world. Yet, one is awe, where I step back and let it unfold before me while the other is wonder, piquing my curiosity to want to learn more, often a sign of positive reinforcement from my higher self that I am at the right place at the right time.

When we tell ourselves that we feel 'overwhelmed', our body tends to shut down, making us incapable of making good decisions. Brené Brown (stepping out), who has spent decades researching shame and vulnerability, notes that this emotion is one of many in the 'things are uncertain or too much category' and rather than letting it shut us down, we should take a moment to better define the true emotion whether it is stress, dread, fear, vulnerability, etc.

Source: Atlas of the Heart

I have chosen not to let my negative experiences hold me back and make me guarded from being vulnerable or loving the best way I know how. I have been trying to be authentic, even if that puts me on a limb by myself to say 'I love you!', knowing many in this world somehow fear those words, especially in the romantic sense, so I narrate it that my love comes with no conditions, expecting the feeling to be reciprocal. When I read the text on Christmas Day, I was conflicted with so many emotions...but I chose to believe in its simplicity (in the NOW).

"Merry Christmas, I'm so thankful for your friendship and guidance through my shit, I'm excited to turn the corner and make this year my bitch/heaven on earth...😘😘. You are amazing and I hope you have a great day with the family. Love you too!"

To be told that someone resents you, especially in a romantic relationship...well, it's the first time for me. I watched how resentment over seven years destroyed a loving one as it was so deep that couple's therapy couldn't heal the deep scar tissue. He did things for her because he loved her. From her point of view, she never asked him to make such 'sacrifices' and thought he just 'wanted' the same thing. In the end, they were his choices that he never communicated/narrated his process nor treated her as a partner-in-crime so that they could make the decisions together. He resented her for not appreciating all the things he did. In the end, they failed to understand his love language (words of affirmation) and failed to treat each other as 'us'.

It still is unclear to me what I am being resented for...that we enjoyed each other's company so just hung out a lot or that he loved me and doesn't want to. When someone asks me to come over or 'what are we doing for dinner', I took those as invitations of someone wanting me to be present. I wasn't aware of any 'sacrifices' of not hanging out with others, for example, and it came off as if somehow he was blaming me and/or angry at me for it. Coupled with his request for me to role play 'goth', including incorporating an ad-hoc choker, only to be asked if I wore it out in public.

'Resentment' falls in the category of 'we compare'. Marc Brackett, founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, maintains that resentment is part of the 'envy' family, rather than the 'angry' family. With the situation of my friends in the seven-year relationship, his anger was more at himself for not being able to 'ask for what he needed and acknowledge his limits'. Unfortunately, this was projected onto his partner. 

Source: Atlas of the Heart

Buddhism has a term of 'near enemy', which in its original context, is about a behavior that seems to be for a spiritual purpose that because of intent, in reality got in the way of one's spiritual growth - like grand gestures of acts of service being done more for the acclaim and attention rather than to give back to the world (tonight) and pay it forward. In the context of emotions, the view that jealousy equates to love which reared its ugly head during my first relationship (reclaiming the cunt (part 5)). 

Attachment is the near enemy of love...the conditions of someone loving another because of the person loving in return, or because something is needed by the other, or condition of changing the other person, something I've always resisted in my relationships (me love you long time (part 7)). Attachment grasps, fear, and possess while true love allows, honors and appreciates. The near enemy of connection is control, and trying to control one's emotions rather than just feeling and being. Trying to control when or how one may love another seems to separate us from ourselves and understanding our inner map, holding us back from truly connecting to others.

I can only own my understanding of my inner map and emotions. The limitations of someone's vocabulary in their emotions makes it more challenging to believe their communication (or hunch with the overlay of my experiences) as to their experience. Applying my recent learning of detachment and ATTUNE-ing (saudade (part 6)), rather than feeling the various 'Empathy Misses' that one could easily get caught up in the hurt of judgment, blame and disappointment, compassion and understanding requires me to be more inquisitive, the real question to him is ... 'What do you need that you're not asking for?'

saudade (part 6)

When a ripple turns out to be a tsunami, the consultant in me wonders if it could have been avoided. Perhaps the recent return of the raven from bubble of bliss was an omen. During the witching hours, I seem to have received downloads that allowed me to detach from my hurt/trauma, and piece together various communications over the last few months. I have spent my entire life connecting dots, trying to make sense of what isn't being said, looking for red flags to protect myself from being preyed upon as my self-preservation. bluebird taught me that someone's negative behavior could be less about me but more about cognitive dissonance to the self.

While we may have similar love languages of touch and words of affirmation and personality type of pioneer, our approach to life, including ways of communication or getting to know people, are at times, vastly different. I have learned to over-communicate to minimize misunderstandings over the years, yet with an ADHD brain, I am learning that large chunks of communication and at rapid pace can be overwhelming to the point that it is not received properly as the executive function may jumble the details.

I wasn't sure where the tears of joy were coming from as I excitedly shared that I may be beginning to understand what had been going on with us from his side, but rather than connect the dots of what wasn't being said, I found myself trying to parse the words he did say over time, and ATTUNE it from his perspective rather than mine. In researching communication differences with someone with ADHD, I was surprised to read from Don't Just Talk, Communicate that becoming confrontational, including blaming others or shutting down conversations/conflict resolution (behaviors that trigger me), was a common behavior. Clamming up or confused/scattered thoughts/musings have also previously triggered me because from past experiences with exes, these were defensive tactics from someone who didn't want to be accountable, rather than from someone whose brain functions differently.

I find myself being more grateful now, rather than frustrated or triggered, at the times when he communicates that we need to pause because he's not able to receive the information. Some of that may have to do with shutting down communication, but some of that is the ability to manage the information. As with bluebird, similar behaviors may not have nefarious reasons. Perhaps, unlike others who preceded him, it truly is subconscious.

When I woke up at the witching hour this time, the title of a video had me wondering if it was a message, but it led to a few other ones, culminating in one that explains why the over-reaction (tsunami) needed to happen.

I needed to learn to release my sense of self to truly hear the other. I needed the tsunami (pain-body) for me to see that comparing how others treat me to how they treat others, created a lot of trauma/re-triggering that stemmed from childhood, when perhaps I am just in a category of my own and should just focus on the happiness and fun I'm feeling in the NOW, a reminder to be present and not let thoughts become unwanted manifestations. My tears of joy, it would seem, was from the happiness of realizing that he was changing his patterns and that I was processing traumas/patterns from the mirroring that was being reflected back to me. In doing so, we are getting a step closer to a transcendence level.

On Instagram this morning, someone posted a recommendation for the Four Seasons in Koh Samui, taking me back to bubble of bliss. I had been highlighting to him that our love will never be like the 'great' love that he was perhaps comparing to as it is different. In a moment of saudade, I realized the irony that our love is also very different from the 'great' connection I felt in bubble of bliss. It feels more light and liberating, not obsessive, but like a sense of being home. I manifested this relationship; I manifested these experiences of pain-body in order for us to break cycles; and I manifested this love from the feeling I felt in Koh Samui to something beyond what I understood love to be at that time, unattached to anyone. It was also a reminder that I'm still manifesting that bath in a tub with a view like that in our villa in Koh Samui, and I'm grateful for someone who enjoys bathtime.

extra-terrestrial

Although my recollection of my first plane ride was our band trip to NYC for the Macy's Parade my senior year (stamp collection), the reality is that the first plane was the one that took us from Asia to a refugee camp in the US. Throughout my childhood, we rarely took family vacations but when we did, it was usually a road trip to visit relatives in California. Sometimes, it seemed as if we packed more food and beverages for the multi-day trips than clothing. 

Perhaps from an innate fear of authorities, stemming from years in a communist country, being stopped at the state line caused some consternation between my parents. Unaware of the laws, they were confused when the officials at the border checkpoint had us turn over all produce, only to watch them dump them in the trash. Exposure to farms and/or transportation of meat or produce are common questions on all immigration forms worldwide. 

After getting approved for Global Entry, my first overseas trip was my friends' wedding in Spain many years ago. Excited to bring back a taste of the delicacy of jamon (cured ham), we went to a number of local spots to find properly packaged, quality jamon. Thinking my luck had turned, I was pulled for customs inspection, only to find out afterwards that the system automatically flags people based on travel locals (such as France, Germany, Italy or Spain for any cured meats) and profiles (e.g., new Global Entry individuals) to inspect. The official, with my name and picture in hand, was intentionally looking for me. Although the fine is up to $10k, the inspector luckily let me off with a warning after throwing away my expensive 'souvenir', most likely the initiation rite for many new members.

Like California, Hawai'i has strict regulations in order to manage insect infestations and disease outbreak that would be detrimental to the natural flora or fauna that would not have the natural defenses to protect itself from such species. Hawai'i, with its isolation in the Pacific Ocean, has uniquely adapted endemic species that would be highly sensitive to exposure to and/or competition from invasive species. Endemism is almost ten times richer on islands than on mainland. Rats, fire ants, mosquitoes, coqui frogs and asiatic rhinoceros beetle, to name a few, did not exist on the islands until the advent of foreigners. Even intentional introduction of foreign species had unintended consequences that have wreaked havoc upon the natural habitat. 

Mongooses were brought in to control the rat population in sugar cane fields; however, they are active during the day while rats are nocturnal creatures. Given their opportunistic predatory behavior, rather than control the rat population, it resulted in a reduction of snails, palms and nesting birds, which feed on rats, thereby increasing the rat population. In the 1800s, strawberry guava was brought in as an edible fruit but now threatens endemic flora and fauna because of its shade-casting thickets and dense mats of surface feeder roots.

Hawai'i also has strict guidelines and quarantine restrictions for pets, including service animals, which makes it a challenge for the spontaneous travelers. While the Big Island is the largest of the Hawaiian islands, its population is only a quarter of that of Oahu, the location of the capital. It is known for its agricultural and vast micro-climates, containing 10 of the 14 Köppen climate subzones, practically all but the ones in the Cool Snow Forest climate.

In addition to the active volcanos on the island (juxtaposition), soil transport is also an issue between the micro-climates of the Big Island, with signs warning visitors about bringing unwanted species from footwear or pets. Locals are mindful about acquiring plants from nearby resources rather than other parts of the island for fear of introducing unwanted pests onto their lands. Living on the mainland, even as a resident of the Bay Area, I was unaware of the magnitude of the dangers and long-term effects to the economy and ecology, amounting to over $120 billion to control and combat the impacts in the U.S. alone.

bluebird

This chapter of my life seemed to start with the unboxing, a life requiring self-reliance and self-sufficiency since the age of three (full circle (part 8)). It wasn't until blossoming did I begin to understand the balance that I needed to discover, and while the reclaiming the cunt series touched upon my journey to embrace my femininity, it was unfathomable to me the intensity of vulnerability that it would entail.

Yet only from truly letting go and closing a chapter in 2022 (weightless), perhaps around the time a chapter was closing for him, did an unexpected door open for me to jump into the depths of surrendering to the unknown. Being more intentional about establishing a healthy relationship is a lofty endeavor but a minimum requirement to ending our unhealthy patterns from lifelong traumas. While it was unexpected, it should not have been surprising that two of the biggest themes in my life would surface early for me to get some semblance of closure (saudade (part 5)).

Prior plans put a pause or perhaps, gave us the opportunity to explore different aspects of a relationship that the oxytocin hormone from the physical tends to get us caught up in the NRE (new relationship energy). But for two people whose love languages are touch and words of affirmation, coupled with quality time for me, it became more challenging for me than I had expected (surprisingly, given that my first relationship was a long-distance one for multiple years).

While feeling safe and trust seem to be two halves of the same coin, my tendency has been to trust, and have people chip away at that rather than having them earn it. Over time, self-preservation has refined my 'bullshit' detector although my penchant to forgive and believing that people want to grow and be better versions of themselves left me overstaying my welcome of self-care.

It wasn't until chancing upon Dr. Gottman (at 19:14 to 24:44 minutes) a couple of weeks ago did it occur to me that while I had been learning that a lot of my pleasure had to do with trust and safety during my exploration of sex, something that came up for us very early on, the missing component in my approach of blindingly trusting people and being an 'open book' was having people 'earn my vulnerability' as Brené Brown says (stepping out). It was with a lot of sadness to realize that I had perhaps only experienced that emotional safe haven from a man, a mere boy himself, once in my life with the mind and heart of a 7 year-old child (moments that matter (part 1)), only to have another emotion of frisson take over upon sensing that I may have chanced upon another man (in the NOW), in some knowing at a cellular level that I cannot seem to explain.

With the lack of touch and quality time, the logical part of me that was pivotal to the self-preservation of my masculine energy (bubble of bliss and leap of faith) had me in my head running the loop of his cageyness and defensiveness, projecting my past experiences with similar behaviors as obfuscation of some lie or manipulation onto him, rather than perhaps giving us both grace that the defensiveness could also be from fear of hurting someone or being less than perfect, instead of guilt.

Rather than ending a pattern of overstaying my welcome, being trigger happy to eject seemed to be an overcompensation and a pattern I do not wish to set. With aplomb, it takes me to the memory of one of my first snow angels in the mountains of Vermont, falling back as the powder snow enveloped me, sinking deeper, while the sunny, clear blue sky warmed my face as I closed my eyes and moved my limbs like flying in the clouds...perhaps due to the potency of his masculinity, perhaps due to the next layer that is exposed in processing my 'trauma', my soul sighed a silent 'yes' to the surrendering to the abyss, perchance, into a safe haven and warm arms for me to shed the masculine side that was needed for survival, and discover and embrace the feminine side that I left behind in my childhood.