extra-terrestrial

Although my recollection of my first plane ride was our band trip to NYC for the Macy's Parade my senior year (stamp collection), the reality is that the first plane was the one that took us from Asia to a refugee camp in the US. Throughout my childhood, we rarely took family vacations but when we did, it was usually a road trip to visit relatives in California. Sometimes, it seemed as if we packed more food and beverages for the multi-day trips than clothing. 

Perhaps from an innate fear of authorities, stemming from years in a communist country, being stopped at the state line caused some consternation between my parents. Unaware of the laws, they were confused when the officials at the border checkpoint had us turn over all produce, only to watch them dump them in the trash. Exposure to farms and/or transportation of meat or produce are common questions on all immigration forms worldwide. 

After getting approved for Global Entry, my first overseas trip was my friends' wedding in Spain many years ago. Excited to bring back a taste of the delicacy of jamon (cured ham), we went to a number of local spots to find properly packaged, quality jamon. Thinking my luck had turned, I was pulled for customs inspection, only to find out afterwards that the system automatically flags people based on travel locals (such as France, Germany, Italy or Spain for any cured meats) and profiles (e.g., new Global Entry individuals) to inspect. The official, with my name and picture in hand, was intentionally looking for me. Although the fine is up to $10k, the inspector luckily let me off with a warning after throwing away my expensive 'souvenir', most likely the initiation rite for many new members.

Like California, Hawai'i has strict regulations in order to manage insect infestations and disease outbreak that would be detrimental to the natural flora or fauna that would not have the natural defenses to protect itself from such species. Hawai'i, with its isolation in the Pacific Ocean, has uniquely adapted endemic species that would be highly sensitive to exposure to and/or competition from invasive species. Endemism is almost ten times richer on islands than on mainland. Rats, fire ants, mosquitoes, coqui frogs and asiatic rhinoceros beetle, to name a few, did not exist on the islands until the advent of foreigners. Even intentional introduction of foreign species had unintended consequences that have wreaked havoc upon the natural habitat. 

Mongooses were brought in to control the rat population in sugar cane fields; however, they are active during the day while rats are nocturnal creatures. Given their opportunistic predatory behavior, rather than control the rat population, it resulted in a reduction of snails, palms and nesting birds, which feed on rats, thereby increasing the rat population. In the 1800s, strawberry guava was brought in as an edible fruit but now threatens endemic flora and fauna because of its shade-casting thickets and dense mats of surface feeder roots.

Hawai'i also has strict guidelines and quarantine restrictions for pets, including service animals, which makes it a challenge for the spontaneous travelers. While the Big Island is the largest of the Hawaiian islands, its population is only a quarter of that of Oahu, the location of the capital. It is known for its agricultural and vast micro-climates, containing 10 of the 14 Köppen climate subzones, practically all but the ones in the Cool Snow Forest climate.

In addition to the active volcanos on the island (juxtaposition), soil transport is also an issue between the micro-climates of the Big Island, with signs warning visitors about bringing unwanted species from footwear or pets. Locals are mindful about acquiring plants from nearby resources rather than other parts of the island for fear of introducing unwanted pests onto their lands. Living on the mainland, even as a resident of the Bay Area, I was unaware of the magnitude of the dangers and long-term effects to the economy and ecology, amounting to over $120 billion to control and combat the impacts in the U.S. alone.

bluebird

This chapter of my life seemed to start with the unboxing, a life requiring self-reliance and self-sufficiency since the age of three (full circle (part 8)). It wasn't until blossoming did I begin to understand the balance that I needed to discover, and while the reclaiming the cunt series touched upon my journey to embrace my femininity, it was unfathomable to me the intensity of vulnerability that it would entail.

Yet only from truly letting go and closing a chapter in 2022 (weightless), perhaps around the time a chapter was closing for him, did an unexpected door open for me to jump into the depths of surrendering to the unknown. Being more intentional about establishing a healthy relationship is a lofty endeavor but a minimum requirement to ending our unhealthy patterns from lifelong traumas. While it was unexpected, it should not have been surprising that two of the biggest themes in my life would surface early for me to get some semblance of closure (saudade (part 5)).

Prior plans put a pause or perhaps, gave us the opportunity to explore different aspects of a relationship that the oxytocin hormone from the physical tends to get us caught up in the NRE (new relationship energy). But for two people whose love languages are touch and words of affirmation, coupled with quality time for me, it became more challenging for me than I had expected (surprisingly, given that my first relationship was a long-distance one for multiple years).

While feeling safe and trust seem to be two halves of the same coin, my tendency has been to trust, and have people chip away at that rather than having them earn it. Over time, self-preservation has refined my 'bullshit' detector although my penchant to forgive and believing that people want to grow and be better versions of themselves left me overstaying my welcome of self-care.

It wasn't until chancing upon Dr. Gottman (at 19:14 to 24:44 minutes) a couple of weeks ago did it occur to me that while I had been learning that a lot of my pleasure had to do with trust and safety during my exploration of sex, something that came up for us very early on, the missing component in my approach of blindingly trusting people and being an 'open book' was having people 'earn my vulnerability' as Brené Brown says (stepping out). It was with a lot of sadness to realize that I had perhaps only experienced that emotional safe haven from a man, a mere boy himself, once in my life with the mind and heart of a 7 year-old child (moments that matter (part 1)), only to have another emotion of frisson take over upon sensing that I may have chanced upon another man (in the NOW), in some knowing at a cellular level that I cannot seem to explain.

With the lack of touch and quality time, the logical part of me that was pivotal to the self-preservation of my masculine energy (bubble of bliss and leap of faith) had me in my head running the loop of his cageyness and defensiveness, projecting my past experiences with similar behaviors as obfuscation of some lie or manipulation onto him, rather than perhaps giving us both grace that the defensiveness could also be from fear of hurting someone or being less than perfect, instead of guilt.

Rather than ending a pattern of overstaying my welcome, being trigger happy to eject seemed to be an overcompensation and a pattern I do not wish to set. With aplomb, it takes me to the memory of one of my first snow angels in the mountains of Vermont, falling back as the powder snow enveloped me, sinking deeper, while the sunny, clear blue sky warmed my face as I closed my eyes and moved my limbs like flying in the clouds...perhaps due to the potency of his masculinity, perhaps due to the next layer that is exposed in processing my 'trauma', my soul sighed a silent 'yes' to the surrendering to the abyss, perchance, into a safe haven and warm arms for me to shed the masculine side that was needed for survival, and discover and embrace the feminine side that I left behind in my childhood.

in the NOW

saudade (part 5) had me wondering what 2023 had in store for me. So much of the saudade series had me reflecting on the past and the paths I had taken, much of it wrapped around an honorable mention from the first post (boot scoot'n and takin' flight...) and though I had felt that we would always have some connection (11:11 (part 9)), 2022 gently guided me towards some 'truths' that had stunted my view of the infinite possibilities (weightless). In quantum physics, scientists are learning that time is a mere illusion, a human construct for us to differentiate our memories, rather than a four-dimensional structure (block universe) with every experience with its own coordinates in space-time, allowing everything to be present now.

Lesson 80 in ACIM notes that all solutions are placed with the corresponding problem, and our perspective of a 'problem' is due to our misuse of time. Yet, it wasn't until lesson 91 about miracles only being seen in the light that I was able to understand the shift in perspective that Marianne Williamson contextualized (saudade (part 4)). What seemed like a lifelong 'problem' (ftale), something that supposedly kept hope alive with a promise from a Sunday School teacher that God wouldn't let us die without answering some life-long prayer, has ironically kept me in the darkness with a 'ball and chain', causing me to make decisions that were not always kind to me.

It wasn't until today, fitting message celebrating Jesus' birth, that I realized that in letting go of the concept of  'romantic ideals' and truly incorporating the philosophy of relationship anarchy, the angst of the past of  'lovelessness' and the future of 'hope' no longer seemed to matter. Rather than searching for unconditional love, triggering taught me that I only had control over me and my ability to give unconditional love but that future of  'hope' resulted in my staying in situations when they were no longer serving me.

As Ward highlights, "when people choose love, they always choose right". Although cliché, he reminds me that the most important relationship is one with 'me' which I have neglected at times, 'sacrificing' for what I thought was how 'unconditional love' should work. Leaving the shackles behind, I was surprised by the journey I was about to embark on, or rather, how quickly it presented itself...of course, only because of the illusion of time. With the intention of ending cycles, I have discovered a number of 'firsts'. The Sun -- Bella (saudade (part 1)) ... the lighthouse -- my magical friend (saudade (part 4)) ... the disco ball -- BDC (saudade (part 5)) ...

For the relationship anarchist, relationships are fluid without the confines of 'romanticism'. With the light shining from my Sun, lighthouse and disco ball, I now see the solution that came with my perceived 'problem'. Love is all around me, something I can give and receive with no conditions, and no matter what coordinate I choose to jump to, for the first time, I am having a really fun time being present in the NOW.

saudade (part 5)

I have learned in my life journey that there are no coincidences in life. The relationships we choose to engage in represent mirrors to our souls. If we have the courage to see what is reflected back to us in our behaviors and reactions to the other, we can unveil some latent part of us that needs to be seen and heard. In May Pang's Why We Need Bad Things to Happen to Us, she highlights the universal truth that we can only appreciate who we are today if we know what the journey that got us here, and with the Taoist principle of duality, one can only appreciate the light, if he/she knows the darkness.

Working through my fears of 'unwantedness' or 'being hidden' has manifested throughout my life in so many layers like the Matryoshka doll (saudade (part 4)), chipping away at different facets of the same theme. While I thought that they were behind me (hide 'n seek, full circle (part 2), full circle (part 3), full circle (part 4), full circle (part 8), and lost 'n found), it came roaring its ugly head. Perhaps the random contacts from two recent exes who kept stoking these themes throughout our relationships should have been the portent that told me to brace myself. Yet doing things differently this time, and handing the keys to my inner demons to someone had me foolishly believing I had guarded myself from them coming back up. Needless to say, I was not prepared. I found myself curling up as that little girl again. In the cocoon of my own bed, I knew I needed a little miracle as Marianne Williamson says and shift my perspective (saudade (part 4)). 

I wanted to run. I wanted to see it as a sign that this journey, while short-lived, had served its purpose. Yet I knew that it was that part of me that had reservations for starting this journey in the first place, and where there is fear, it is a place I need to walk in. Within my glance was the box of curated items representing the hope of where the journey could go with intentional exploration and connection at a deeper level, and in that moment, the miracle in shifting my perspective had me realizing that I needed to make a different choice than running. As my friend recently reminded me (spiritual masters and saudade (part 4)), elevating one's energy/vibrations isn't about who you attract but what you're attracted to, and the people with those negative energies will always be around us...how we react to it is the choice for us to change our pattern(s). Rather than choosing to lick my wounds and becry the supposed retraumatization, I realized that this was just as much about my triggers as it was his.

While I thought overcoming my ego and reaching out to resolve things when I was the one who got hurt was the toughest challenge, it turned out being ignored and trivialized steeled my resolve that there was more to this than met the eye. Luckily, I had another incident early on as a frame of reference to how he handles situations and the drastic difference in the two reactions solidified my knowing that something else was going on with him that perhaps he himself wasn't aware of, as hurt people hurt others despite their best intentions.

Yet, there is a learning to be had in any negative experience, and as Pang noted, one of the outcomes when bad things happen is that it can result in 'serendipitous discoveries'. I did learn more about myself this weekend. Like how I was surprised to learn that one of my love languages is touch, something I was deprived of in childhood (saudade (part 2) and modern love), I unpeeled another 'layer of the onion' in my draw to shibari and/or BDSM. What I had thought was driven by an opportunity to relinquish control to someone else, the duality of someone who has had to be independent and responsible her whole life (ftale) may be more along the path of where full circle (part 9) was taking me and why I still struggle to receive without feeling the need to reciprocate or trusting that there are no conditions in the purity of the gesture (blossoming and surrendering to the unknown). In the moments that the rope is binding me like a kiss or a hug or with the pleasurable pain of the flog, I can surrender to trusting that someone is finally going to take care of me and has my best interest at heart.

11:11 (part 14)

As I waited at the bus stop today, someone I had just thought about called as if she read my mind. After a energetically heavy week, my soul was feeling excited to be heading to lighter, loving energy, and that synchronous phone call seemed to be a good omen for the weekend ahead. At the same time I was going through my experience this week, I was also helping a friend through his, sharing my recent learnings from various sources, including the basic reminder to bushwhack through the ego. Both parties felt mistreated by the other and in reality, they were mirroring the same behaviors. He was struggling with repeating old patterns and had difficulties tapping into his Higher Self/Holy Spirit and come from a place of love. To my pleasant surprise, a miracle happened, probably the most proud I've been in his progress to date.

The bus ride to the other side of the island was beautiful - full of amazing ocean views, flora, fauna and local life in small villages. When the ACIM meditation started, a smile took over my whole body as it practically summarized my week:

"Lesson 75 - The light has come.

 1. The light has come. You are healed and you can heal. The light has come. You are saved and you can save. You are at peace, and you bring peace with you wherever you go. Darkness and turmoil and death have disappeared. The light has come.

2. Today we celebrate the happy ending to your long dream of disaster. There are no dark dreams now. The light has come. Today the time of light begins for you and everyone. It is a new era, in which a new world is born. The old one has left no trace upon it in its passing. Today we see a different world, because the light has come.

3. Our exercises for today will be happy ones, in which we offer thanks for the passing of the old and the beginning of the new. No shadows from the past remain to darken our sight and hide the world forgiveness offers us. Today we will accept the new world as what we want to see. We will be given what we desire. We will to see the light; the light has come..."

It felt so light being in the presence of a loving couple and their son. When they trusted me with something personal, it was natural to offer them my "service" to help them on a healing journey. At the same time, in disclosing an experience with mutual friends earlier in the year that had kept anger in me, they were kind to help me leave the anger in the past and forgive the parties involved. A testament to ACIM lesson 137 (spiritual masters) that we don't heal alone.