(wo)man in the mirror

I was first introduced to Carl Jung in Spring 1990 when I took Modern Spiritual Masters at university. While I received a B, I will have to admit that I did not retain much from that course. I was just coming from a highly religious period in my life (to err is human, to forgive, divine and code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)), and was reconciling that Judaism and not accepting Jesus as one's personal savior did not equate to damnation and hell, so was not in the mindset to be receptive of new age concepts.

Over the years, I seem to have developed this innate ability to have people, including strangers, open up and disclose personal things that they do not often freely discuss. Part of it is because my curiosity of learning how people tick causes me to ask probing questions that many somehow feel are inappropriate to 'intrude' and therefore, do not ask themselves. Part is because as I have been told, I come off non-judgmental and sometimes openly communicate my life experiences in an unfiltered way. That environment often encourages people to be vulnerable.

So during this period that I am facing my fears and intentionally walking into darkness, it was interesting to cross paths with Jung again. In general, I have learned to love my jiggly parts (unanswered prayers) and have embraced the perceived shortcomings of my personality over the years. As I have told my mentees, anyone can turn a negative to a positive and vice versa depending on agenda or perspective. My penchant to get bored easily and constant desire to do something new and challenging in my professional career was viewed by me as being flighty and noncommittal; however, those in leadership had viewed this same characteristic as a strength in my ability to learn something new in a very short time frame and be successful, thereby reinventing myself and adapting to market changes.

I have always procrastinated (100 days). While my friends and family have learned to adjust, this same trait also allows me to be adaptable to changes and enjoy unplanned moments in life. Recognizing this long ago has also forced me to be patient with others who are the same. In treating people as I would like to be treated, the concept also works in the reverse to be accepting of others for things I do myself (full circle (part 2)). I have also learned that it is more important to treat people as they would want to be treated, which may not be the same as I would want to be treated. Similar to David Bowie's life experience (full circle (part 8)), Jung delved into his own troubling mind to discover that we have to learn to accept our own darkness before we can attempt to help others, either on an individual or global level.

As Alan Watts noted, "[Jung] would not condemn the things in others and would therefore not be lead into those thoughts, feelings, and acts of violence towards others which are always characteristic of the people who project the devil in themselves upon the outside – upon somebody else – upon the scapegoat." Psychological dissonance is when we project our shadow onto others, refuse to take ownership of ourselves, distancing ourselves from ourselves, and thereby, losing ourselves in the process - allowing neurosis to take over our psyche.

Jung introduced 'unprejudiced objectivity' in a lecture to clergymen. His view is that only when we accept our fears, shame, guilt and judgment that we can see others for who they truly are. Otherwise, we would naturally avoid parts of others that remind us of these parts of ourselves. Without this acceptance of ourselves, genuine compassion and authentic connection would be a challenge as one is about being in someone else's shoes and the other about acceptance of the whole person.

"...Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses. I am the oppressor of the person I condemn, not his friend and fellow-sufferer. I do not in the least mean to say that we must never pass judgment when we desire to help and improve. But if the doctor wishes to help a human being he must be able to accept him as he is. And he can do this in reality only when he has already seen and accepted himself as he is.

Perhaps this sounds very simple, but simple things are always the most difficult. In actual life it requires the greatest art to be simple, and so acceptance of oneself is the essence of the moral problem and the acid test of one’s whole outlook on life...

But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all beggars, the most impudent of all offenders, yeah, the very fiend himself, that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I myself am the enemy who must be loved. What then?...

Anyone...will admit that to accept himself in all his wretchedness is the hardest of tasks, and one which it is almost impossible to fulfill.

The very thought can make us sweat with fear. We are therefore only too delighted to choose, without a moment’s hesitation, the complicated course of remaining in ignorance about ourselves while busying ourselves with other people and their troubles and sins. This activity lends us a perceptible air of virtue, by means of which we benevolently deceive ourselves and others... 

...Only he who has fully accepted himself has 'unprejudiced objectivity'.”

~ Carl Jung

When I realized the mirroring that was occurring in full circle (part 2), I became more conscious and aware of moments where I would catch myself internally 'judging' others, mostly fleeting thoughts creeping from random strangers. I started to allow myself to 'sit' in that feeling to understand where that negative space was coming from, similar to reclaiming the cunt (part 3), and either learn/grow from where I may be projecting my own lack of self love and/or not be ashamed for such feelings and thoughts.

One of the people from when it rains, it pours that recently contacted me was someone who fell in love with me and professed to be polyamorous, yet could not take responsibility for her own decisions when her partner gave her an ultimatum, so instead created lies and went as far as to ask me to treat her like 'shit' so that she could justify her decision. At the time, I had told her that I would not give her the satisfaction to justify that the world is 'cruel' to allow her to 'play victim' within her bipolar mentality. However, and as I recently communicated to her, her 'altered reality' to blame others for her own actions in life, including her continuing belief in her lies, is not a person who takes ownership of herself nor whom I would choose to surround myself with.

It is fascinating to finally acquire an appreciation for a modern spiritual master, who in his own way learned to love his darkness and left insights for us to love ourselves, individually and collectively (trifecta; to err is human, to forgive, divine; and stone skipping (part 7)).

Neurosis is an inner cleavage — the state of being at war with oneself. Everything that accentuates this cleavage makes the patient worse, and everything that mitigates it tends to heal him. What drives people to war with themselves is the suspicion or the knowledge that they consist of two persons in opposition to one another. The conflict may be between the sensual and the spiritual man, or between the ego and the shadow. It is what Faust means when he says: “Two souls, alas, dwell in my breast apart.” A neurosis is a splitting of personality.

~ Carl Jung 

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Update June 11, 2017:

The woman who asked me to treat her like 'shit' communicated today that she has been working on individual therapy, and realized that her treatment of others was due to not loving herself. She reached out to finally take responsibility for her actions and apologize. I am happy that she is trying to work through her demons and following suit with others in absolution. I hope she learns to forgive and love herself on her path to happiness.

evermore

I'm the beast!

face of the girl (part 2)

During the Tudor period, women's sole role was procreation. The church dictated much of the laws of sex, primarily under the premise that women are inferior to men as women are susceptible to the devil and dark forces, given the fall of Eve. Women's bodies ran hot so they were constantly desirous of sex and acts of fornication, so marriage and sex within the marriage was a way to control such desires.

Women were forbidden from having sex during lent, advent, feast or fast days, Easter week, Sundays, Wednesdays, Saturdays, menstruation, pregnancy, 40 days after birth and breast feeding. Missionary position was the best way to conceive a male child and any other position would result in deformities. While women could not show pleasure, an orgasm was necessary for conception, at least the Tudors knew more about the female anatomy then some men in taking it all off. Studies have shown that 70-80% of women fake orgasm, and while 95% of their partners reach climax, over 70% of them did not reciprocate in assisting the women to achieve theirs. Only about 15% of women can achieve orgasm from pure vaginal stimulation. Less than 60% of women achieve orgasm most or every time they have sex. Yet 85% of men believe that their partners had orgasms.

my travel and bedside companions

Up to the nineteenth century, female hysteria was considered a medical disorder, which resulted in the invention of the dildo to help ease the symptoms. While there are physiological reasons why some women have difficulties with orgasms, much of the blockage is mental. Even vaginismus is cured with a combination of physical and sex therapy. I recently met a man who considered chemical castration as his girlfriend of 13 years has vaginismus, resulting in them only having sex once. She stopped going to therapy as it made her "uncomfortable".

The taboo of sex, slut-shaming, societal and religious pressures on women to repress their desires and sensuality and body image issues contribute to women's difficulties with orgasms as well as their lack of exploration and willingness to overcome such hurdles. One of my previous roommates only had orgasms twice in her life, and faked it all the other times. She was constantly worried about how she looked and sounded during sex. She also had Catholic guilt which prevented her from trying masturbation to learn more about her body. In their 30s, my cousin and her friend, both divorcees who had only had one lover each, were not sure what orgasms were, which means they never experienced the pleasure. They also did not know how to masturbate.

Sex education classes, when available, teach women about their anatomy but mostly in the sense of menstruation. It was only when I saw the video on male masturbation that looking at the syllabus made me realize that I missed the class on female masturbation in my Human Reproduction & Development course at university (face of the girl (part 1)). Being a voyeur, I definitely felt stirrings down in my nether regions, but it was not until my mid-20s during a business trip out of town, that I decided to put on a porn and explore.

Perhaps because of my late bloom, I had time for self exploration and self confidence so I have been one of the blessed 15% and 60%. The only time that 15% was a challenge, I naturally took matters into my own hands, literally. I believe that like happiness, we are responsible for our own pleasures. Men have no problems finishing off, either on their own or with their partners' assistance, so ladies, faking it serves nobody, as it leaves the women hanging and their partners with a false sense of security in their sexual prowess rather than learning to understand each other bodies as we are all unique in our wiring. 

I usually ask my partner(s) to show me how he masturbates for that reason. We should be the masters of our own bodies, rather than expect others to be, especially if someone feels as if repression via chemical castration is a symbol of love, rather than golden handcuffs. Giving and getting Cliff Notes is a wonderful shortcut to lots of mutual fun. I have found that communication and vulnerability are critical components of exploration and laughter in the physical realm. To tango or to shag; that is the question. 😉

glass slipper

Alice + Olivia has teamed up with Big Brothers Big Sisters of NY, Prep for Prep, and City Year New York for its "Buy a Dress, Give a Dream" campaign from March 6 to 19, culminating in a dress up day on April 8 where the girls get to dress up and take home a gown. Its cocktail dresses retail from $300 to $2,000 so the ladies will have the opportunity to be in some fine threads.

While my mother did not forbid me to attend prom, she refused to fund any prom dress. Although my mother is also a great seamstress as she made many of my earlier suits for work, she also was not keen on lending her talents. However, I was blessed to have a great friend whose kind mother made not only her dress but also mine, allowing me to live a young girl's dream to attend the ball.

We could all just easily make donations for worthy causes, but I love the gamification aspect that encourages others to participate in a collective activism. The American Civil Liberties (ACLU), Planned Parenthood and many other not-for-profits have seen significant spikes in donations, of which more than 50% are first time donors, since the new POTUS was elected.

I did not inherit the creative talents that my sister did (full circle (part 3)), so this was a great opportunity for me to pay it forward, allowing two young ladies to live out the dreams of Cinderella for a night.

stone skipping (part 7)

Sadly, it is not uncommon for men to physically abuse their wives in Vietnam and other Asian/Middle Eastern countries. The mothers also perpetuate this as they coddle their sons. Tradition includes having sons and their families living under the same roof as the sons' parents while the daughters live at home until they are married and can move into their husbands' families' homes, which is why women are also pressured to marry early as "one less mouth to feed" (full circle (part 3)).

However, women are also usually the hard workers and "breadwinners" in the household (me love you long time (part 6)). In a way, the culture breeds "weak men" who are used to being taken care of by mothers or wives, and women are taught that they have no choices, and their "value" is tied to the men they are attached to (face of the girl (part 1)). A man who is "lazy" and emasculates himself in his mind, as well as lack of emotional intelligence, would probably view that his option to balance the scales would be to exert his physical power.

One of my cousins met and married his college crush. They had the same education; however, his wife was more driven and worked diligently to learn English so that she would have opportunities at multinational financial institutions, whereas he was content with working at a local financial institutions, which are protected by the government (including indirect job security based on the culture of pushing people down - stone skipping (part 1)) and offered nap times. The differences in salaries ranges are exponential, ranging from 3-7x more.

As a tribute to her hard work, they were able to afford purchasing their own condo as well as employ a maid/nanny after their son was born. They should have been happy and proud for such accomplishments in a country where people usually cannot afford their own homes and live in communal homes with generations under the same roof. However, his parents resented her and blamed her for no longer having their son under their roof although they still spent every weekend with his family at their home. He would sit back while his parents bullied and chastised her, despite her being the dutiful daughter-in-law in every other aspect including cooking and cleaning for her in-laws over the weekend. He was not the only son, as the older son and his family still lived at their home.

He benefited from her financial success and flaunted the money when he went out with his friends, including purchasing expensive items, perhaps even for other girlfriends (common theme in Vietnam as well - stone skipping (part 5)). When he physically hit her in front of their son and their help, he did not even have any remorse or apology but denied it ever happened. Her friends and family encouraged her to stay with him as it is normal for the husband to hit the wife when it is perceived that she "disobeyed".

Since I was part of his family, she did not initially have the intention to disclose this to me; however, when I found out, I encouraged her to do what she felt was right for herself but also for her son, especially to break the cycle for future generations of men. My support though was unconditional to anything she decided to do. She has an amazing spirit and strength. He did not make it easy as he refused to give her a divorce and also threatened to take their son away from her, even though he had no intention of raising him himself but rather have his mother raise their son. He was also the only man she has ever dated or been with, so being alone is not something that women in Vietnam are taught to do.

His family, of course, tells a different story as to the demise of their relationship. I have made it clear what occurred to relatives in the U.S., and our family continues to support her and opening our homes as she makes trips to U.S. to find opportunities for her and her son in America.

"Sincerely I need to say Thank you for the inspiration you have made to my life and career even though you might have not noticed. I have felt the girl power in you that has made me believe in mine. 😊"

After she sent me this message earlier this week and after visuals of mothers who bring their children to pussy riots and #ADayWithoutAWoman, there seems to be a collective movement of wonderful mothers who represent a whole new generation of women that are helping to break the cycle, nurturing strong individuals who have the balance of both the masculine and feminine attributes. Technically, she is my ex-cousin-in-law; however, she will always be a "sister," and I'm proud of her for bucking the system and having the strength and conviction not to let walls and hurdles from stopping her from achieving her dreams.