Saturday, April 29, 2017

face of the girl (part 4)

Unlike the Middle East (face of the girl (part 1)), not all cultures and/or religions value virginity, and in some instances, this changes over the generations. In modern day Japan, there seems to be a trend to find potential wives who come with a bit of experience. This becomes a challenge for women who tend to live at home with their parents until marriage, resulting in more unmarried women in their 30s. This is also coupled with sekkusu shinai shokogun (celibacy syndrome) as many are losing interest in conventional relationships, and/or sex altogether.

Japan has one of the lowest birth rates, with its population projected to reduce by a third by 2060. Recent studies show that a third of 30s and under have never dated. Of the 16 to 24 year olds, over 25% of men and approximately 45% of women were not interested in or despised sex while over 60% and almost 50% of unmarried men and women, respectively, between 18 to 34 were not in any type of romantic relationship. Rumors exist that there are deflowering services for a woman in her 30s looking to increase her marketability in the marriage department.

In ancient Khmer society (Thai and Indian cultures also), priests representing Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist teachings performed rituals to deflower pre-pubescent girls. The bodily fluids were considered potent and were rubbed on the foreheads of family and friends. Virginity was not necessarily valued in Hindu/Indian societies, where it is believed that a virgin could never attain enlightenment, resulting in some post-mortem deflowering.

Ratus Nonaboki (vaginal spa) in Bali
In tantric practices, the yoni massage was a spiritual treatment in India and China to release blockages and negative trauma/emotions. It increases circulation and hormones and creates a healthy balance against many health-related problems. At birth, it is believed that a woman's yoni contains positive, pleasurable cells that may be disconnected from the body due to trauma, belief systems, and other negative energy.

The first time I received a yoni massage was in Singapore. In the US, many advertise it as some trendy buzzword; however, they are usually different forms of sensual massages rather than any particular tantric technique. Women would go to "trained physicians" to get manual stimulations to "produce healing paroxysms" as temporary cures to hysteria (face of the girl (part 2)). It is more common for men to find lingam massages than for women to find yoni massages. However, in the last few years, searches of such are coming up with more hits in major cities.

While it is still a very anonymous, private activity, certain women are more relaxed even with random masseuses/masseurs as they can minimize their anxieties of feeling as if they either have to reciprocate or being "judged" by someone they know (causing many to fake orgasms). Her Private Pleasures and Temple of Bliss have many anonymous testimonials from women, some who have only receive release during such sessions.

Doctor M has even been featured in a few articles. From the initial contact to the initial meeting in a public place, he was so mysterious that it clearly tempted my Sag moon. He was very professional and clearly used to interacting with women who are skittish to these types of experiences, based on his communication and instructions. I found it cute and comical. While I usually give my partners heads up on my "convulsions," my wicked side decided to be just as mysterious.

Doctor M does not claim to perform his sensual massages under any tantric techniques, so whether he knows of the kundalini awakening or not, he apparently witnessed it for the first time, and had to ask whether he needed to be alarmed at the ongoing full body spasms, even when not touched. He tried different "calming" touches to try to quiet her, which in some cases only energized her more. It was well past our session time when he finally resorted to asking how to stop the awakened beast - wrapping her up in a towel and closing the window from any movement of air (basically, stifling any flow of energy), despite feeling very energized afterwards.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

the truth shall set you free

Truth has no expiration date.

My first relationship (moments that matter (part 6)) was great until it wasn't. At the time, I could not understand why he would self-sabotage it until I learned more about narcissism. While I rarely turn on the television in the morning, that morning the Today Show had a segment on narcissism, which I had not really heard much about until my ex had noted that his father was narcissistic. My angel guide(s) clearly wanted me to learn more about it that morning. However, educating myself led me to be more tolerant and forgiving of his actions, thinking that he just needed to feel safe to be honest.

The reality is that sometimes people just continue to dig that hole of lies rather than letting the ego be vulnerable. In the end, no matter how many times we got together with my hopes that he would finally be honest about his actions, I was never going to get answers, and I allowed myself to get deeper into his environment where his ego lied to himself. I would like to think that I have tried to be honest in all my relationships, but what is truth and the corollary lies are relative as "white lies" and unspoken truths are still lies.

However, part of my experiment with polyamory (full circle (part 2), reclaiming the cunt (part 3), and 22) was because I liked the honesty and communication that would be required for healthy, ethical polyamory to work. The reality is that humans are humans and while "polyamorists" may be able to enter into multiple relationships without feeling guilt, the individuals were no more likely to be honest in other aspects of their lives. I have always believed that the person who is in a relationship is the only person who could potentially "break a trust" and has any obligation to a significant other; however,  being the "other person," I have enabled the person in the deception, regardless of the intent of the other person to impact the relationship.

Shattering trust changes relationships; however, truth and forgiveness could strengthen whereas lies and grudges definitely dooms said relationships. While my desire for the truth kept me in that relationship much longer than it should have, I have found that the same desire has been a continuous behavior of mine (22, full circle (part 2), and reclaiming the cunt (part 3)) that has either resulted in my early departure from a potential relationship or in my delayed termination of a relationship with some hope that the eventual truth would strengthen our bond, if I were only to provide a non-judgmental environment for him to feel free to be honest. The latter resulting in only taking me further down a "rabbit hole" of ego and lies.

In processing through when it rains, it pours, it became very clear to me how much I value honesty. While I have forgiven those individuals (to err is human, to forgive, divine), I have also learned not to continue any form of relationships with those who do not choose to live in truth ((wo)man in the mirror). While I have stopped always wanting answers, I have found that when provided (to err is human, to forgive, divine and moments that matter (part 2)) even many years later, the truth does seem to validate and lightens any perceived baggage.

My ex from moments that matter (part 4) wrote me an e-mail (standing taller) approximately six months after I repatriated as part of his recovery but also because he felt he owed me the truth about his unexpected feelings. It did not necessarily change our future as that was not the intent, but it did make us realize how special our relationship was to each other. As for the man from absolution, we made a pact to be honest and trust each other's intent without suspicion, regardless of how we define our relationship, after "a blast from the past" provided clarity on his "inappropriate behavior" from before. I have found that in the last few months, this honesty has been refreshing in its purity.

With that in mind though, it has given me a different perspective on soulmate/twin flame/whatever-you-call-it. I had always felt that he had been honest with me (trifecta). I even understood his actions in 11:11 (part 4); however, what is there to block if living in the truth? I also know, from intuition, that my last time with him (walking tree...new or old roots) was when he was not entirely living in the truth. While my heart will always have space for him, my life does not have room for someone who holds things back. I deserve someone who appreciates me for all of me and who treats me as I treat him, with love and kindness, which includes living in the truth.

Instituting my "free will" (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)), I am breaking my patterns and old templates of rationalizing a person's behavior to live in lies and choosing not to stick around with the hopes of the truth. The man that he is today is not who I would want for a partner in crime. While a part of me is sad of whom he has become, I also know this is the journey he has to take, and hopefully his guardian angel(s) will continue to help him through his "free will". Besides, a true relationship will always be there. A fake one will eventually dissipate into vapor.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

reclaiming the cunt (part 5)

Jealousy has always been an interesting emotion to me. I have experienced envy but not really jealousy. Many probably use the terms interchangeably but I believe there are distinct differences. Turns out that psychologists generally agree that there is a straightforward distinction in that envy stems from a lack of desired attribute enjoyed by another whereas jealousy comes from a threat by a third person for something the person views as a possession. A two-party vs three-party situation. Jealousy, in a sense, contains a sense of "inferiority" in the concept that the rival is enviable.

In hindsight, I am thankful that I was a late bloomer, as I have no doubt that given my upbringing and the insecurities that resulted from my mother (unanswered prayers, moments that matter (part 3) and full circle (part 3)) and "bullies" (full circle (part 4)), I most likely would have been caught up in the normal templates of jealousy. Like depression (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)), jealousy can be one of those self-fulfilling prophecies where one can continuously dig the hole deeper when attaching it to external validation rather than working on internal strength. 

Towards the end of my first relationship (moments that matter (part 6)), I was confounded by the constant arguments about jealousy as he viewed jealousy to be directly correlated with love. My retort had always been that jealousy to me means that either 1) I did not trust someone, which would inherently make any third party a threat; or 2) I am insecure and viewed myself as "inferior" to any third party. He never had a response when I asked him to choose which emotion he thought I should adopt in order to be jealous.

My ex had always cheated on every relationship that he was in. He was one of those that probably could never be alone and would only end one relationship if he had another one to default to. The reality is that both emotions were his projection of his own view of his "self". His validation was in the relationships and partners he had. I do not have strong feelings on the institution of marriage because I have felt that someone choosing on a daily basis to wake up next to me was a stronger commitment than feeling an obligation to be there because of a piece of paper. Freedom (the truth shall set you free), rather than possession, is the foundation of any healthy relationship, whether friendship or life partner.

The obvious templates of jealousy are romantic relationships; however, I have also had the misfortune (or perhaps fortune as I have been able to weed out true friends from such experiences) from women who have sabotaged potential male interests in me during my early adulthood (face of the girl (part 1)) as well as in professional life (to err is human, to forgive, divine). The notable ones were my best friend and my roommate. Both initially had crushes on men who were interested in me. In my naïveté and inexperience, I trusted their advice, which turned out was to further separate me from the men. One used the "confidant with inside information" to get closer to her crush. While I was not interested in him, she pushed me to date him in order for him to trust her more, so that she would be the person he turned to in order to console him. 

The other knew that he was not interested in her and at a certain period, she had a boyfriend; however, she felt that if she could not "get" him, then nobody she knew should either. For some reason, that I never understood, she sabotaged other potential interests in me, even though the entire time she had a live-in boyfriend. It was probably the beginning of the end of their relationship when he felt bad for me and clued me in, as it was one of those things they always had arguments on. When both found out that I discovered the truth, both avoided me entirely so we never had any discussion/confrontation, and their avoidance served as an acknowledgement of the truth in their deception.

Perhaps because of these, I have never wanted any relationship enough to cause me to resort to such darkness and possessiveness. If I ever got such inklings, it would generally frighten me enough to walk away, as it would represent something dysfunctional about them. While I used to be very envious of couples, I have learned over time that perception is not usually reality, and with social media, some people spend exorbitant efforts in trying to mask their realities by presenting the world with a falsehood that they hope others would validate for them. Now, I catch myself at times smiling and genuinely feeling happiness for them, even if it is a perception or a momentary part of their lives. I find gestures of love such sweet moments of bliss.

* * * * *

Interestingly enough, the professional "honorable mention" was also someone I considered a close work friend; however, it would seem as if she took the strategy of "keep your enemies closer". She was the only woman in a group of men in the energy industry (and was mentioned in Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room), and as it would appear, fed off of that attention over the years. I initially was not a threat as I was considered an "interloper" until over time I gained respect from the others. As we progressed, both she and I were given leadership roles, yet somehow an interesting thing about some women is their view that there is a quota when it comes to women in leadership positions rather than cracking the glass ceiling for others. 

Her role allowed her a seat at the table with executives where it seemed as if she took advantage of those situations to execute her agenda. I was warned by our leader's administrative assistant who was privy to certain communications, which was later validated by the leader when I confronted him, and even he thought her "smear campaign" was rather odd. The individual in to err is human, to forgive, divine, who was "manipulated by others," was actually influence/manipulated by her boyfriend.

While I had historically been focused on my personal accomplishments during my early career, she is probably my main motivation for "cracking the glass ceiling" for others and bringing other women with me. It resulted in my active leadership roles in women initiative programs to instill confidence and executive presence in our ladies. I chose Hackbright Academy for my coding prep class because of its primary objective of increasing women representation in tech. 

Her trajectory has fizzled out. Leadership has continued to push me to take on additional leadership roles that I have continued to decline. I prefer to do my own thing and focus my energy on empowering other women to embrace their full potential. Women have plenty of obstacles without creating our own. As pussy riots have shown, the collective is stronger than the sum of the parts (and definitely exponentially more powerful than the individual).

Thursday, April 20, 2017

face of the girl (part 3)

420 is code for cannabis (marijuana), originated in 1971 by five students who called themselves the Waldos. It was the time that they designated to meet to execute a plan to find an abandoned cannabis crop based on a treasure map. Ultimately, the plan did not come to fruition and eventually became code for marijuana consumption in general.

As you can imagine, it is a significant event on April 20 in cities and states where marijuana is legal, such as California. My first exposure was 'contact high' in college when my roommate/suitemates consumed the substance while stuffing a towel at the bottom of the door with windows closed. I could never master smoking it as I could not inhale it from a joint, so I resigned myself to contact high as the 'sitter'. While I never thought I had any reaction, at least those high on pot would claim that I was giddier than normal.

I have always thought that I had a predisposition to addiction so avoided drugs in general. While living in Asia, I tried it once via a homemade apple 'bong' that served to filter the harshness on the throat. However, an odd reaction from a friend, which turned out it was due to past trauma/experiences from an addiction that her ex got her into (stone skipping (part 5)), ruined any experiment I was hoping for in determining my natural reaction.

Up to then, I had a theory that marijuana is one of those substances that enhances a person's natural state. My friend's husband would either get super paranoid in a random environment or very artistic and could see music visually dancing when he felt safe. He is naturally inclined to musical talents but is also prone to conspiracy theories. My friend is super giddy, as she's a naturally optimistic person. Another friend also got very paranoid the one time he tried edibles, and in his normal life, he likes to claim that he's 'super sensitive' but in reality, that entails a lot of skepticism, insecurity and paranoia about what others think of him. An ex (moments that matter (part 4)) used to describe to me that he'd get foolish and dark although I never witnessed what that meant. A study links heavy teen use of marijuana with abnormal brain structure changes that resembles schizophrenia, which may be tied to what he was talking about since he was around that age. The risk seems to not be an issue for older users.

He would get cerebral and solve or connect random things, which aligns with someone with the life path of 7 (trifecta). The first time I truly tried edibles was in Koh Samui (bubble of bliss). I had wanted to try it in a safe environment and at that time, he had always made me feel safe. As noted in reclaiming the cunt (part 3) and face of the girl (part 2), I have learned that confidence, being in the moment and relaxing has enabled me to always achieve orgasms. Yet, it was a complete surprise to discover that under the influence, a touch on the temple, sucking a finger, light touch, etc. all was connected to my nether region, resulting in continuous orgasms for hours on end.

Initially, I was not sure if it was the pot, connection I had with him or both. It took me a long time before finding another person I felt remotely safe enough to try it again. One person (ftale) even wondered whether I would be able to still have orgasms under the influence without anyone touching me, which recently was proven to also be possible, and further validates the sexual energy in face of the girl (part 1). Clearly, a connection makes it more intense and I haven't quite been able to replicate Koh Samui; however, all the moments have still been fun and very pleasurable.

I am curious what blend of sativa and/or indica will help me find my inner child (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)), and perhaps solve world peace while I am in there.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

11:11 (part 6)

It has been 15 years since we set eyes on each other. Actually, it was his voice that was my first introduction to him when he had asked my friend if I was alright as I was napping while everyone was up and about. I remember thinking his voice felt familiar in my sleep induced haze.

At some point, perhaps sometime in 2009 or 2010 after our first reunion, I had looked up zodiac compatibility as I am apt to do at times for funsies. As it turns out, we are not the most compatible on pure sun signs but I did find one of the top search results site that had said we are soulmates which seemed so contrary to what others were saying on paper. I never did find that site again many years later when someone else who was Aries was talking about his compatibility with a potential Virgo date. 

Recently, upon learning more about the different aspects of one's birth natal chart and the complexities of astrology (trifecta), it became more clear to me what that site was alluding to. We are quincunx (five signs apart) as well as yin and yang from a polarity perspective. "When you play to your strengths, you balance each other out...feel like you're with your soulmate or the devil incarnate...bond is intense, unspoken, almost secretive in a way...if you've both done the requisite self-awareness work, you can make a formidable team when you pool your strengths." Yet with my moon, we would be trine (four signs apart) with the same element of fire, and would explain the "unspoken kinship and harmony," feeling "so comfortable, so understood on a core level". 

Happening on "twin flames" (11:11 (part 1)) and understanding our life goal of our soul work, processing fears and blocks on the journey to unconditional love, align with the "requisite self-awareness work". With that though is also the concept of mirroring each other so that we reflect each other's fears onto the other as a way to force one to work through such demons (full circle (part 1)).

Prior to finding "twin flames," I had requisitioned in early December a YouTube tarot reader, whom I connected with the week before I saw him again at the end of November, to perhaps answer the one question I had...in hopes of better reconciling in my mind his constant entrances and exits and finding peace. She sent it after the new year and a week later, she had also posted her first reading for the new year. In the various videos I've seen from her for multiple months and signs, only these two had the "Soulmate" card jumping out and flying off as she was shuffling (the first at 32:55 and the latter at 12:19 marks).
Over Christmas, my friend's aunt informed me that she did not see the male spirit and was not sure when or if he left. I know he was around in November from 22. In the past few months, I have let go of any preconceived notions of where this journey will take me. I am also getting to be at peace with the fact that perhaps union with this twin flame does not occur in this lifetime, and I am happy with any future soulmate connections (or reconnections - when it rains, it pours) that I have soul contracts to encounter.

In July 2015, a fortune teller had mentioned that he was separating from his current relationship as he has always been in love with me. I was taken aback at the time because while I knew about his separation, I had given no indication about him at all when she began her reading. Always loving me seemed a bit hokey in my practical mind since we really only had 2009 together with intermittent periods within the last 10 months before meeting up with his ex, and barely knew each other. I do believe though that in the 5D, she is correct in her statement. On this day though, I am sending positive thoughts and energy to my twin as he works through his life lessons (11:11 (part 5)), as I am courageously working through mine.

taxing time

The causality dilemma of the chicken or the egg has me wondering whether awareness causes subconscious behavior and/or recognition of events that one would not have normally connected, similar to synchronicities as noted by Carl Jung (11:11 (part 5)). While Venus in retrograde has finally gone into its shadow period, Mercury started its retrograde on April 9. It would seem as though this should impact me more with the double whammy that Virgos are ruled by Mercury and that I was born when Mercury was in retrograde.

While it isn't entirely uncommon for me to leave my phone(s) in different rooms/offices, it was odd that not only did I lose both phones while transiting in Australia (full circle (part 2)) but also last week while heading to a client in Portland. Even after retracing my steps throughout the campus, it took many hours before my mental capacities reminded me that Apple has a "find my iPhone function". Of course, Mercury would not be in retrograde if my flight back did not get delayed multiple times, resulting in me missing my coding class altogether.

Mercury rules intelligence, memory, communication and transportation, including commerce/ agreements, mechanical equipment/phones/computers and travel. Those who were born with it in retrograde though would generally have challenges with these aspects (perhaps, as part of past karmic life) to overcome. Interestingly enough, I had a lisp as a child and had to go to speech therapy to work through it. In addition, I had taken journalism for a few years in high school to improve my writing skills. During much of my early years in my professional career, as well as in childhood, I was always misunderstood, whether in written or verbal form. When I learned about Myers-Briggs, it provided some rationalization to this since I was an INT(F)P in an ESTJ world. However, I was probably destined in some way to be in such an environment to work through this.

While it was an unpleasant situation, I was not surprised when I opened up my Turbotax last night and my 2016 tax file, which was mostly completed, disappeared yet was present enough to be a blank space, and say it could not be opened once clicked upon. My new coding sleuthing could not save me from the practically all nighter although it was quite fun to try to put my new learnings to use. Somehow, I feel though that in the rush attempt and with the retrograde in my natal charts, I paid more than POTUS. To rub salt in the wound, my hotel room tonight turns out to be 1040. 😟

* * * * *

As I waited for my order tonight at Mickey D's prior to class, a gentleman, who had ordered french fries and coffee was short, as either the voucher or gift card he had presented did not cover tax. He was probably homeless, and the escalating exchange between the cashier and him eventually drew my attention even with my headphones on. There was a whole line behind waiting. When I realized what was occurring, I paid the difference, yet somehow it did not end the hostile exchange, resulting in the man throwing the hot coffee at the cashier, who went around the counter, to engage in fisticuffs.

I am not sure what was more disturbing: a fight stemming from such a trivial matter or all the people who were too busy pulling out their phones to record the exchange inside and outside the store rather than stepping in to assist in diffusing the situation. I am hoping that when they replay their videos, they feel a bit slighted when hearing me stating "shouldn't you help rather than record?" I would like to think the miscommunication had to do with Mercury in retrograde; unfortunately, I think it has a lot to do with the signs of the times with the current POTUS who incites fear, hatred and ego, not to mention blasting on social media. The difference that everyone was standing in line waiting for was a whole 26 cents.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

reclaiming the cunt (part 4)

MOIST...

One of my college friends has a visceral reaction to this word. Apparently, she is not alone. Psychologists from Oberlin College and Trinity University conducted three different experiments to determine why 20% of the population was averse to it. While most of the participants claimed that it was due to the phonics with it sounding "gross," the same individuals did not have similar reactions to "rejoiced" or "foist". Whether consciously or subconsciously, the reality stemmed from the association with bodily functions.

My friend asked on his Facebook whether "juices" or "moist" was worse, and people unanimously chimed in that "moist" was by far the most "disgusting" and "ew". While the respondents were primarily women, one man noted that at least juices "can be mixed with alcohol and that sounds awesome by association". When I asked him how "moist" is not awesome by association, he retorted that "moist" is only relevant to the feeling of putting on one's clothes too soon after a shower, which is "yuck". After I challenged him that moist is also associated with cake or vagina, he said that he wanted to go there (with the latter) but did not dare. Yet, how is a moist vagina not a good thing? Doesn't it mean that a woman is appropriately turned on (face of the girl (part 2))?


Interestingly, the studies showed that the younger and more neurotic the participants were, the more likely they were to have a disdain for the word. Also, the more disgust they had with bodily functions, the more likely they were to take exception to the word. The root cause is probably because those same individuals associate it with sex; as one participant explained, "[i]t reminds people of sex and vaginas". Only a repressed society and/or individual would view sex and vagina as anything but beautiful (reclaiming the cunt (part 1)).

Visually, the shape of the lips to form the word is similar to puckering up and kissing. Perhaps it is just me, but watching hot, sexy men say that word made me moist.