11:11 (part 4)

I searched for random YouTube videos of twin flames late Friday night after dropping my phone off at Apple Care, queueing them up back to back as background noise in between español lessons, since I did not have my phone to distract me (I have learned over time that I am more effective in processing/retaining knowledge with background distractions for one side of my brain while the other part learns). Many of the videos, I find are "junk" and either provide no value and/or do not resonate with me. One such video was titled collapsing timelines and helping each other into union. The woman made a lot of references to songs, including How Long Will I Love You, from the movie, About Time, with clips of Rachel McAdams in a red wedding dress. Within minutes, I moved onto the next video without finishing that one.

The next morning, one of my good friends from the Bay Area (probably my best bud until his wife's jealousy forced us to limit our interactions to social media and work) posted a happy lunar year message that included a comment by a friend that it would be cool to relive a week in college. My friend noted that it reminded him of one of his favorite movies, About Time, where the main character goes back in time to relive a day at the beach with his dad, and so his message was a reminder in the new year to spend time with the ones you love. He included a link to a trailer that included the red dress. My response to his post was that someone else just recently mentioned this movie in last day or so, and that it was weird.

Late last night, I put on one of those random recommended YouTube videos to put me to sleep, which was an interview with Robert Perry, who has developed a detailed model differentiating signs vs. random coincidences (super-synchronicity, as he calls it). For it to be a Conjunction of Meaningfully Parallel Events (CMPE), there must be at least two independent events within 12 hours of each other and share a list of common events. He notes that it could be a brand new idea evolving in the form of different people experiencing related CMPE during a similar time period, and that the parallels need to come together to form a whole picture that serves as a commentary on a specific situation in that person's life.

Similar with my experiences with the songs, I woke up this morning thinking I needed to look into the movie. The basic plot is that the male lineage in this family has the gift to travel back in time and change events. After going back in time to help his roommate, he learns that he no longer has the phone number of a woman he met (Rachel McAdams). He remembers that she is obsessed with Kate Moss so he would look for her at events/exhibits related to that topic. After numerous attempts at different points in time, they eventually get together but during another flash back to help his sister, his next lesson was that it permanently alters births so his daughter no longer existed after he went to a period of time before her birth. His father eventually has cancer that his father cannot alter and after spending months reliving their time together, his wife wants another child, which he realizes would mean that he could no longer go back in time to visit his father.

His father's lesson to him was to relive each day twice - one as normal with the tension and worries and the other noticing how sweet life is. He learns though that he should live every day once as if it is the second time and appreciate it, living in the moment.

* * * * *

The movie came out in 2013. I now remember watching it that year, and although I understood the moral, my focus was on the time travel and 'what ifs'. That was the year that I was repatriating and the last time I saw him was in January, a month before my repatriation, as I was in Singapore. He met me for drinks since coincidentally my hotel was across the street from his office. We had planned to meet the following week, on my last night, to grab dinner. The next day, I noticed a picture on Facebook that he was tagged in. He got engaged earlier that week and the picture was at an event. I'm not sure why my eyes gravitated to her left hand. I suggested he invite her to dinner after he confirmed the engagement, and it was no surprise to me that within hours before dinner, he canceled with an excuse that we both knew was not true.

Live or Die Without Regret

Since then, he blocked my access from practically everything on Facebook with the excuse that he was never on it and weaning himself off of it altogether. I ended up de-friending him, and spent that year resigning myself to the fact that it would be the next lifetime, never to see him again. So when I originally watched this movie, I focused on reminiscing on the times we had met initially in 2002 and in 2009 when we first truly connected, and if I was a different person and did things differently, wondering if the present would be in my favor, kicking myself with regrets and feeling completely foolish for misreading fate. That year, I added to my tattoo collection to remind me of this period including survivor's guilt from 9/11.

With the beginning of the year of the fire rooster, and applying the CMPE model, it appears to be a clear message of practicing temperance, appreciating the small things and being present, regardless of outcome - truly letting go. Red, while not common in Western cultures, is the color brides wear in many Eastern cultures. It has always been my favorite color (and I was slightly bummed when it was the color my sister chose for her wedding theme and bridesmaid dresses), despite my mother always telling me that yellow/gold and green is for the metal pig. Red is also the color that is associated with his fire sign.

* * * * *

Update October 10, 2021:

'What' and 'if' two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: 'What if?'...

I don't know how your story ended. But I know that if what you felt then was love - true love - then it's never too late. If it was true then it[sic] why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart...

I don't know what a love like that feels like...a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for...but I'd like to believe if I ever felt it, I'd have the courage to seize it. I hope you had the courage to seize it... And if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

~ Letters to Juliet, 2010

Back to an old manifestation, reminding me that 11:11 (part 10) is still ever present.

absolution

It was during my dark period and probably the second person I met during my online dating experience. We are very different, and knew we were just fillers for each other, but at that time, I was just looking for filler, despite pretending otherwise. He is 16 years my junior, tall, dark and handsome who in hindsight reminded me of twin flame/soulmate/whatever-you-want-to-call-it with his post-trader turned software engineer and start up mentality. He was looking for traditional, and I was looking for adventure. It was not meant to be, and did not last long, ending fairly abruptly.

Imagine my surprise when I got a Happy New Year message from him for 2016. When he signed up again for Tinder in the fall, after a break up, he messaged again as he saw my profile and wanted to say hi, possibly grab a drink. We never quite had that drink, but he wished me Happy New Year again for 2017. As I sent a snap to my distribution list for the lunar new year tonight, he sent photos of his trip to Iceland where he just returned with his latest love, who is moving so they ended things amicably with a bucket list trip from her list.

I have always believed that a sign of maturity on both parties is being able to remain friends with those you once loved or cared about. I complimented him on that, since the "one who got away" for him was many years ago, and he had acknowledged that he was not the most mature when that ended. Timing was off for them.

It surprised me to receive the following:

"...it's almost always more complicated with adult relationships. That's one of the things I was gonna bring up if we ever grabbed drinks and caught up, actually -- I don't think ours ended that great last time, was gonna give you my perspective and apologize for handling that poorly. So if we do ever get around to catching up, you can take me up on that conversation or not. :-) But glad we're chatting again, either way."

It took me a while to remember how we ended things as I felt no ill will towards him. Then again, I generally do not hold grudges. I once told a woman (who did not have existing relationships with exes and for different reasons, her sister does not talk to her while she chooses not to talk to her mother) that I never believe that it is ever too late to either make amends and/or at least communicate to people how you feel and/or apologize if sincere. Regardless of their reactions, a person at least chose to not leave things unsaid. I said the same to the person that was part of my toxic relationship over the fall, as he also let the "one" get away because of immaturity and timing, and does not have much of a relationship with his father either.

The past is part of a journey, and experiencing and learning is part of living life, but the present is what defines a person. I am happy for him that he is progressing in his.

trifecta

While I periodically read horoscopes for entertainment, my knowledge and curiosity had been limited similar to my perspective on feng shui (luck be the lady). However, since Thanksgiving, my latest research topic(s) have evolved around astrology, numerology and spirituality. Initial searches on Gemini to try to perhaps put some logic behind a toxic relationship led me to do a deeper dive in astrology beyond the normal Sun sign of the zodiac. 

I never fully identified with the Virgo, and had rationalized it as perhaps being a cusp; however, 7 days isn't so much cusp. After running my natal birth chart though, my personality appears to be more aligned with Sagittarius, which is my moon. Greeks used to identify by their sun or moon sign based on whether their birth time was before or after sunset/sunrise, which may explain why I identify more with moon and am a night owl, since I was born at 10:52pm. Also, someone with a life path of 2 is ruled by the moon. There's nothing spontaneous about the Virgo, but Sags are all about spontaneity and risks although the Virgin is more introspective and analytical. Then again, my personality number of 5 also explains the risk taker, childlike persona.

Likewise, numerology was just something I saw in the magazines, never really understanding it other than the calculation that was provided based on birthdate. I have always been intrigued though with patterns, sequences and numbers in nature, such as the golden ratio, Fibonacci sequence and fractals. However, focusing on the Sun sign or the life path number are one dimensional in a 3-D or 5-D world, and is akin to stereotyping a person based on only one factor like gender or ethnicity. Humans are multi-faceted and even with these abstract scientific studies, it requires looking at Sun, moon, ascendants, life path number, soul urge number, etc. to better comprehend how such potential patterns may provide some guide to a soul.

Nature vs. nurture...DNA explains our physical makeup but what explains our personalities? Siblings, even twins, could be polar opposites although they were raised in the same household. My mom and I often muse that we were lucky that I turned out the way I did despite the nurture, or lack thereof, that was provided to me. So is there some science (or art) to astrology, numerology and the divine spirits?

Regardless of which -ology or -scope, it seems as if there is a common theme for me. I seem to have hit the triumvirate (metal pig, Virgo and life path 2) when it comes to independence, service and loyalty, avoiding the limelight (the typical strong woman behind every successful man - the divine feminine). He (wood tiger, Aries and life path 7) also has common themes of adventure/creativity, impulsiveness/temper and leadership, basking in the limelight (the divine masculine).

His life path 7 has opened me to better understand his periods of being off the grid as he's a bit of a loner (despite being an ENTP, which is balanced by his soul urge and expression numbers of 3), immersing himself in intellectual pursuits and projects, and connected with nature. While I've always felt that he's been honest, there's a mystery behind his eyes and smiles and things that he doesn't say.

In one of the descriptions, it notes that "there's a good chance [he]'d love learning to fly". During our last time together, he mentioned that learning to fly by age 50 was on his bucket list, when I commented on his knowledge of all things related to jets and airplanes. As for career, I found it interesting that one site noted that he'd be "on the cutting edge of new ideas and technology," excel in public speaking, and if combined with "intense desire to travel," he'd be extremely satisfied. These are all exactly the reasons why he loves what he does.

My expression/destiny number is 7 so perhaps that is why I understand this part of him and have my moments of going off the grid as well.

* * * * *

Today marks the beginning of the year of the fire rooster. Both Eastern and Western horoscopes mark this year as the year of change either because of the fire element or the first year of a new cycle. It seems fitting that many forecasts for the pig reminds me to take care of myself and not get involved in other people's problems since "pigs tend to sacrifice their own happiness and comfort for the sake of others". Apparently, it also calls for a change of job that may entail relocation.

All great goals to have for a new year, and for this pig to get off her lard and focus. Chúc mừng năm mới! Wishing everyone much love, fortune and happiness.

11:11 (part 3)

The last 24 hours have exposed a few revelations. My friend's aunt (mentioned in 22 with the spiritual connection) had contacted my friend's mother about her father. He had spent the last 3 years working on some karmic debt, yet in a moment of weakness and loneliness, he had a slip, and I was with my friend in Tasmania when this came out. I had told her that I would send positive energy her father's way.

Last night, I also thought about messaging him and stopped in my tracks when I saw 11:11, a reminder to me of temperance and faith.

I ended up passing out without praying for my friend's father, and something woke me in the middle of the night (early morning hours) with that being one of my first thoughts. In a groggy state, I sent positive energies for her father and also threw in a prayer for him. He came in my dreams, and while I don't remember most of the details, I do remember him stroking my leg and my cradling his arm (in the same way that I woke up one morning in Koh Samui). The remnants when I woke this morning was one of reassurance. I'm not sure if that was for my friend's father, me or both.

I had an appointment with Anna (sugar wax) who is a fellow Virgo, and we've always had a connection and have been supportive in each other's lives. I caught her on the phone when I walked in, and she was emotional when she told me how she chanced upon a dog a few weeks back who kept wagging her tail while going back to a man who kept beating her with a stick. He ended up throwing the pup into Anna's car when she said she was going to take the pup if he was going to continue. However, her life cannot support raising a puppy at the moment, and it turns out that all the shelters are overfilled after the holidays from families returning puppies after realizing that the Christmas present was too much work.

She said what I was thinking initially when she started the story, which is that she felt guilty because she felt like the puppy came into her life for a reason, as the pup looked like the dog of her best friend who passed away recently. Perhaps her role was really to make sure the puppy found a good home, which Anna was trying to do and I walked into the conversation where a shelter had agreed to see her. We discussed the Law of Attraction and frog in my throat, regarding positive energy. He and I had also discussed dogs when I was in Singapore earlier this month, and how we both would want one day but individually would not be able to have currently, given our travel schedules.

My next stop was the Apple store, where a woman, who had overheard my issues as I was presenting them to her co-worker, later walked across the store as I was standing in another queue to further assist me, including giving me pointers on how to navigate Apple Care/support if I end up having to wait longer. She later walked passed me and another support staff that was troubleshooting my phone and asked me if I was getting what I needed. When I was telling the staff that was helping me how the other woman was kind enough to assist earlier and asked for her name, the staff said that she did not know her name as the other woman is very quiet generally. It is a bit ironic that an introvert would then seek me out to further assist me. Law of Attraction?

In the background, I registered that Chainsmokers' Closer was playing. It actually may have been one of their other songs but my soul seems to be in tune to pick up that song since November. Out of nowhere one night in Las Vegas, he asked me if I knew the band. At the time, it didn't register but he suggested I look up that song. I had not heard it even though it was a huge hit. Since then, I keep hearing it. That same week as we went to Fremont Street, one of the live bands played Blink-182's All the Small Things, which he noted was one of his favorites and one that he listens to in the morning or while running. Later on, as we were heading to another bar, I heard a song from another live band that I started dancing to and said that I always loved this song, not connecting that it was the same song until he brought it up. Doh! I am one of those who love to dance and connect with tunes without always connecting the band, title or lyrics. So yes, I felt foolish when he brought that to my attention. 😒

Something compelled me to check out the lyrics tonight. Closer is about reconnecting with someone. 

"Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you / I drink too much and that's an issue but I'm doing ok...And four years, no calls / Now you're looking pretty in a hotel bar / And I can't stop / No, I can't stop...You look as good as the day I met you / I forget just why I left you, I was insane / Stay and play that Blink-182 song...We ain't ever getting older"

Alex Pall notes that the Blink-182 song is I Miss You, suggesting that the two characters did not forget each other and never moved on. The reference to Blink-182 was surprising...considering. All the Small Things is about the small gestures someone makes to show his/her love. It was written for Tom Delonge's wife who complained that he wrote songs about other women but not her. She used to leave roses at the top of the stairs when he worked late.

"All the small things / True care, truth brings / I'll take one lift / Your ride - best trip / Always, I know / You'll be at my show / Watching, waiting, commiserating...Surprises let me know she cares...Keep your head still / I'll be your thrill / The night will go on / My little windmill"

"Keep your head still" is a reminder to relax while he returns the caring gestures, and the reference to windmill is being the power and energy provided to the other. That week he had noted that he forgot to pack pocket squares as it was his new signature look when he presented. It was his first big presentation on a global scale that he had spent months getting certified at his company. It didn't occur to me to do anything other than getting that as a good luck gift. He was not only surprised but also commented that it was very thoughtful as he would not have gone to purchase it himself. His special gratitude spoke to my language of love (moments that matter (part 2)).

Perhaps I should pay closer attention to lyrics as there seems to be some hidden meanings and messages in them, as a sign of synchronicity.

pussy riots

sea of pussy hats

Millions of women (and men and children) took to the streets at over 670 organized demonstrations around the world, including Antartica and Tanzania, for the Women's March. While 45's words, "[g]rab them by the pussy. You can do anything" sparked outrage when it first came to light a few months ago although it was said in 2005, it was just more fuel to the fire of all the other outlandish comments emanating from the man. He issued no apologies then or now.

Initially planned as a movement to protect women's social and reproductive rights, it has encompassed advocacy for LGBTQ, immigrants, minorities, environmental protection and other causes that are threatened by the new POTUS. Within hours of his swearing in, the White House website had already scrubbed LGBTQ, abortion, health care, civil rights and climate change pages.

My friend, Amy (aka Mamy), organized the one in St. Petersburg. They had expected hundreds when planning the events. Over 20,000 participated, shattering records as the largest demonstration in the city's history (previous record was in 2015 at 1,500 people). Even the crowds in Washington D.C. well surpassed the one from the previous day at the inauguration, as photo evidence shows (depending on who is to believed, as the new press secretary has already touted that yesterday broke records and the interior department's twitter account was taken down for posting photos depicting otherwise - propaganda anyone?). Women all over the world who could not attend a demonstration participated by knitting and donating pussy hats as part of the Pussyhat Project. Early reports are that today's collective organizations comprise the largest protest in American history.

As others attempt to divide the nation, the Women's March has resulted in a new wave of activism and solidarity.

"...human rights are women's rights and women's rights are human rights..."

Hilary Clinton - United Nations 4th World Conference on Women, Sept. 5, 1995 

During a documentary spree last year, I chanced upon Suffragette, which was a 2015 movie about the early feminist movement fighting for equality. The women gave up not only professional but also personal lives as their family abandoned them for bucking the status quo. I discovered a newfound appreciation for the women who fought so relentless for the rights that I now take for granted.

So muchas gracias, merçi beaucoup and many heartfelt thanks to Biz, Jeannie, I-Hsing, I-Fong, Susan, Carol, Alison, Gaylen, Amy, Suzette, David, Spencer, Jeff, Jamie, Biggles, Marilyn, Karen, Gail, Andra, Helen, Lori, Pammir, Leslie, Michelle, Sarah, Michele, Emily, Craig, Mia, Duyen, Jennifer, Jessica, Laurey, Julie, Ruth, Dele, Mali, Ian, Marty, Rosie, Wendy, Maureen, Candice, Tonye, Esther, Caroline, Marc, Anne, Mary, Yaminah, Jeremy, Erin, Kathy, Suzanne, Alexandra, Sean, Ashleigh, Finn, Hannah, Kristen, Heather, Elizabeth, Grace, Naomi, Byron, Kimberly, Suzi, Holly, Denise, Melissa, Gwen, Wendy, Park, and countless other names and faces of "nasty" women, men and children who joined our predecessors (Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Rose Schneiderman, Frances Perkins, Margaret Sanger, Ella Baker, Barbara Gitting, Audre Lorde, Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, to name a very few) in ensuring our voices are heard in the name of equality for all.

Mark my words...this is the makings of the strongest generation of women yet, nasty or not.

frog in my throat

Today has been a surreal day. First of all, I've had a nasty cough for the last few days resulting in my voice abandoning me. I've had to conduct conference calls on Skype typing my responses while my team reads them. My flights this week have been canceled and/or delayed, including getting bumped from first class to the back of the bus. I'm tired and achy and had left my carry-on on the plane tonight which resulted in an extra hour waiting for someone to go back to the gate to pick it up.

It's been a bad week...yet, it wasn't. It occurred to me in the car ride home that I had encountered a number of unexpected acts of kindness from random strangers. The hotel was overbooked and with my flight cancelation and delay of a subsequent one, they were going to cancel my reservation. Luckily, they had the foresight to call to confirm after midnight. However, the client made the reservation so it was not under my account so it still is unclear to me how they got my brother's contact number (which may be under my account since his family oftentimes uses my account to get room upgrades and concierge lounge access) to call him while I was in the air. I happened to have been online so that his messages came through to confirm that I was en route.

It is with relief that I still had a warm bed available after getting in after 3am. Even better was when the Marriott receptionist brought up to my room decaf chamomile tea with extra honey after hearing my voice, or lack thereof. Likewise, the woman at the Centurion Lounge at DFW walked me to the coffee/tea stand/machine and introduced me to her favorite mint tea that she uses all the time when she has a sore throat. The Uber driver also dispensed all sorts of advice to sooth sore throats as he was dropping me off, including the witty remark of finding a job where I do not have to speak as much.

As I landed tonight, I received texts from a friend that I had met during my polyamory experimental stage. She had the luck of finding her soulmate last summer but have had a lot of strife as it relates to her metamour and finding a job to support her relocation to be closer to her paramour. After a bit of a long process, she finally got the job offer that I had helped connect her. She had helped me during the time over the fall with a toxic relationship although she is best friends with the other party, and it felt good to be able to return the favor (although the texting distracted me, resulting in walking out of the airport and into an Uber without my carry-on).

Today also marks the inauguration and four years of a new president that has left our country very divided. I am well aware that my parents and their generation of family and friends have helped put him there. They have always been die hard Republicans. Despite their immigrant status, they attribute the fall of communism to Ronald Reagan, and therefore, Republicans. The communists were who took their home country away from them. The conflict between that history and electing a person who has instigated such animosity towards minorities and immigrants baffles me. However, having witnessed the kindness of strangers, I am hopeful that love trumps hate.

For many reasons, today has left me speechless.

full circle (part 1)

I believe I have figured out the purpose of our last reunion starting in September 2014. Prior to that, I was able to convince myself that any connection and chemistry I felt was all on my side, and thus in my head. When we were at Bourbon and Branch, it was the first time that either and both of us acknowledged that there was something very natural about our awkward situation. Understanding that it may be more mutual than not apparently brought down some protective walls for me. I had always thought I was open rather than guarded in any relationship (although a stranger did allude to such in ftale), and perhaps the male spirit (22) protecting me had me believing as such. But when it seemed as if it was finally coming together, I became more vulnerable than I have ever been before.

So after a beautiful and magical time in Koh Samui when there were some odd synchronicities/signs (bubble of bliss), my fears came rushing back when he went off the grid, as it seemed as if we were going backwards again. I got impatient and questioned divinity all over again, convinced that spirits were laughing at my expense. I overanalyzed to the extremes, reminiscent of when I was in my 20s, which after our first meeting, I had vowed to carpe diem (cougartown). Then in my self destructive stage when I threw caution to the wind and pushed my boundaries of vulnerability, the lost 13 year-old came back, not once, twice but three times until something intervened (22 and moments that matter (part 2)). She's never really shown up in prior relationships so it seemed so unusual for her to rear her ugly head in such fleeting relationships.

I believe that in this year of letting go and focusing on ME, I am guided towards working on my fear of feeling unwanted. I had avoided that in the past by never putting myself in situations where others made me feel that way, whether family, work, friendships or romantic relationships. Yet, I find myself having no choice but to confront a twin flame/soulmate/whatever-you-want-to-call-it situation where he comes in and out of my life making me feel as if I'm home where I should always be, simply by the sound of his voice, yet feeling as if I'm being pushed away and "unwanted" all in the same breath.

Perhaps in order to move forward, we are meant to go backwards to the very beginning to release the karmic ties that bind us.

11:11 (part 2)

Today is the wolf full moon, which supposedly ignites majestic power, intuition and awareness. It is coupled with a stellium of four planets in Pisces (Venus, Neptune, Mars and Chiron), unlocking a fresh surge of clarity and self-direction. This all happens on the universal day of 5, the number of freedom, change and discovery. Supposedly, it allows one a final opportunity to release any negative habits, fears or energies from the last cycle of 9 years which may be holding one back from confidently moving into the universal year of 1.

So is it with coincidence that on this night as I flew back from Orange County and the plane stopped too soon that it had to get towed to the gate, that the couple of people behind me in seats 14E and 14F were bidding each other adieu after talking about bird watching (something he taught me during my recent trip - walking tree...new or old roots)? Peregrine falcons (falco peregrinus) in Zion National Park, to be exact. 

Peregrinus is Latin meaning "to travel abroad" or "wander". He is life path 7, who is "an odd bird, often seen as a visionary or sage (or crazy elder)" and a bit of a recluse with the "intense desire to travel," not to mention public speaking. Zion is located in Utah, where his mother resides.

Are there coincidences or is this a sign to howl to the moon what is in the heart and to transform on a cold winter night?

moments that matter (part 3)

Lately I have discovered something I am passionate about...helping others (to be better versions of themselves according to them and/or to realize their dreams and find their happiness). It probably was an 'aha' moment from stone skipping (part 2) when I realized how a supportive and safe environment to challenge, fail and learn can build confidence in oneself, and that a little confidence can grow into something much bigger and ultimately, drive us to chase our dreams.

I spent my 20s disappearing for a while to work on my self and embrace my insecurities, much of which was developed from my mother (unanswered prayers and full circle (part 3)) and the racism from a small town in Texas (moments that matter (part 1)). I truly went off the grid from family and many friends. This also included culling toxic and negative friendships. During that time, I also had the blessing of an unexpected mentor at work.

When I recently mentioned this to him as a step towards finding my purpose, he had suggested I think about a mentor in my young life that had a great impact on me. He mentioned his mentor, who may have been socially awkward but challenged people to find their own solutions to problems. I realize that I take a bit of that approach in my guidance of my team. For those who love to learn, they get great satisfaction from this approach, especially when failures are not viewed as completely negative. For those who don't, this strategy is very frustrating for them as they do not like the lack of clear directions and possible failure.

My mentor was known to be a bit quirky back in the day. He was a practicing Catholic and married to a lovely Italian Catholic woman. They had a large brood - six kids. He never drank or curse but definitely had a temper. In my rebellion and trying to stand out in a patriarchal industry, I was the young, rebellious, foul-mouth petite Asian woman. 

I worked on a very small engagement with him. His interaction with me was limited to a few deliverables and days. Yet at the end of the engagement, he offered me an opportunity that more experienced colleagues would have wanted. At first, I thought it was a joke until my manager had giggled and said he thought it was a genuine offer. Clearly, my mentor saw something in me that I did not believe myself.

He also opened up his home to an isolated soul. I could not afford to go home for holidays so he would invite me to experience Italian Catholic family Christmas dinners (Feast of the Seven Fishes or Festa Dei Sette Pesci). Even when we had significant work functions where I may not have had appropriate clothing, he would offer to purchase a nice dress for me as he thought it was important for me to attend. I used to think that he 'dumped' things on me because I was a hard worker but in looking back, those activities were all thoughtful, either for me to get exposure to the work or the people involved for future purposes.

When I gave notice, he was offended that I had not previously communicated my unhappiness to him. He was supportive but assertive in trying to get me to see the bigger picture, ultimately resulting in the firm paying for my MBA. I lost touch with him when I transferred to another function. However, I didn't realize that he kept abreast of my career and had stepped in behind the scenes when he felt necessarily. It only occurred to me over a decade later when a leader had commented that he spoke to my mentor about a potential issue (to err is human, to forgive, divine) to consult with him on how to resolve it. I did not realize that the rest of leadership had known who my mentor was/is. 

He had once expressed to someone that he was disappointed that I had not turned to him more often in times of need. I never like to use people, especially since he had progressed to leadership over the years, and I no longer had any reason to interact with him at work. However, it took me a bit of time to realize that when you're a mentor, helping mentees is a blessing and part of one's legacy. He also viewed me as family, and it would have given him joy to continue to be part of my life.

He retired last year and I flew over five hours to attend his retirement party. His children are all grown up and married with children. His wife has a heart of gold, and when he went through a period of deciding whether to stay until retirement age or to quit given the struggles with firm politics, she commiserated with me and was supportive of his happiness regardless of the financial impacts to the family.

He believed in me when I needed it most. I have thanked him before but no amount of words could truly express my undying gratitude for the ripples he put in my life, personally and professionally. He is one of the reasons I PAY IT FORWARD.

parlez vous français?

Amazon delivered my latest project today - learning español. Clearly I made the wrong choice in languages when I was younger as covered in parisian air, but I was rebellious back then and wanted to be unique. It seemed as if everyone spoke Spanish in Texas, and traveling the world meant Europe in my small mind at the time. French seemed to be the obvious choice.

While there may be no do-overs in life, my philosophy is that it is never too late to either make amends or do something whether new or unfinished. Lela Burden graduated high school at the young age of 111. Studies have shown that rekindled lovers have 76% chance of staying together compared to 40% on average.

I have explored most of Europe and some of Asia, where in many countries, it has been relatively easy to navigate with English. Africa and South America are continents that I have only had the opportunity to visit once each. My goal when coming back to the States four years ago was to target Central and South America for holidays given the proximity, similar to my approach in Asia. However, that would have required me to learn Spanish, as it was clear that not many spoke English when I visited Argentina a few years ago. 

My attempt at Rosetta Stone was an abysmal failure. I started and stopped many times, never really getting the motivation. After further researching these programs, it seems as if it is sometimes difficult for adult brains to learn from immersion only, which is the Rosetta Stone approach. Something I've learned over the years is that my learning style consists of cramming and repetition with visual, auditory, verbal and writing comprehension balance. Rosetta Stone did not teach the grammar so short of learning the specific phrases, I struggled with putting together my own sentence structures. Fluenz seems to have addressed those aspects so I'm hopeful that it would be better suited for me.

My initial reaction was to book a holiday to South America six to nine months from now as incentive to complete this task. Rio de Janeiro during Carnavale has always been on my bucket list. Of course, it took a few seconds to realize that the timing was off, not to mention the language (although I have been told that Portuguese is not difficult to navigate with Spanish as a base). One day I'd like to read 100 Years of Solitude (Cien Años De Soledad) by Gabriel Garcia Marquez in its native tongue. Baby steps...

walking tree ... new or old roots

It has been two years since joining the online dating world. It was 2015 New Year's resolution that was a reaction to exorcising demons from September 2014. I am not sure if doubling numbers and experimenting with alternative lifestyles and personalities have made me any wiser, but I have been able to knock off some bucket list items.

2017 is a new cycle in astrology and represents new beginnings. In my personal journey, it seems a natural time to close many chapters and begin new ones. As a commitment to a friend, I have permanently deleted all my online dating profiles. 

Yesterday during my hike in Central Catchment Nature Reserve in Singapore, mother nature provided me with some food for thought and introspection. The walking tree (socratea exorrhiza) reminded me of a quote that while it has been falsely attributed to Plato, is still poignant:

"People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die."

While botanists may not agree whether the walking tree actually "walks," it does seem to sprout new roots to find sunlight and nourishment while old ones may wilt away. As the new year starts and a new cycle begins, this is my personal year 3 in numerology - a year of creativity, motivation and inspiration. It seems as if the sun, moon and stars are aligned for me to do a bit of housecleaning and make some bold changes. 

I would like to get to my grassroots and core:

• Curiosity and learning
• Project(s) that brings out my passion
• Kindness and acts of service
• Simplification
• Friendships and love

The mushrooms reminded me to strive to live in sunlight and positive energy rather than the darkness within. While I believe that people come in and out of your life for a reason, that does not mean that they have to stay in it, especially if it is cause for sucking your life source. I need to continue to focus on my journey and not get distracted by others' paths, requiring me to leave some old friends and acquaintances behind.

I am not sure where the path will take me - sunshine, shade, straight, meandering, treetop, ground floor, flying through branches or getting out of webs...my primary goal is not only to embrace the obstacles and focus on the positives but also to leave others intact or better off than how they were before.

We all have to make choices, and I feel as if I'm at a cross roads with making a critical one that has haunted me for years. Twin flame or Achille's heel? If the latter, sometimes cutting off the dead branches is the only way to keep the tree alive. If the former, letting go allows the flame to burn until it's ready to reunite with the twin. So why have I struggled in the last two years to keep my flame from dwindling out? Perhaps focusing on the other parts of the self will fan the flames until the twin is ready or perhaps the twin's journey extends beyond this lifetime, equating this to Achille's heel for me?

On my journey to enlightenment and following the path to the canopy to see the forest for the trees, do I start a new path or a parallel one that keeps him in sight while he's walking his? Either way, I'm letting go and trusting divine timing.