flexing muscles

As my cohort mate says...'We did a thing!'

When people ask me how the last three months were, in an odd sense of accomplishment, it has been such a long time that I have actually used my brain that it felt absolutely amazing! Astrophysicist, epidemiologist, artist (stone skipping (part 9))...we are so different yet we all shared a common goal to pivot our lives and make magic happen.

My friends who attended graduation today often commented that they are still surprised that I ended up attending an all-women bootcamp. While I like to joke that it was a good thing to not be distracted from all the young male testosterone, I am blessed to have acquired a new family that will always support me the rest of my life.

Ironically, I learned early in life to weed out 'catty' women (reclaiming the cunt (part 5)), which at the time turned out to be a good percentage of those that orbited my life, or perhaps, they weeded themselves out. Life seems to balance itself out.

We have been spending the last few weeks practicing 'whiteboarding' for our technical interviews for our upcoming job search. While a few have some idea of what they would like to do and/or where they would like to work, we all have a clean slate to use colors, medium or style of our choice.

Be fierce! Be authentic! Congratulations to 'Fearless Girl(s)' ready to take the bull by its horns!

red badge of courage

A post shared by Hackbright Academy (@hackbright) on Dec 8, 2017 at 4:48pm PST

moments that matter (part 6)

Watching too much Law & Order: SVU had me wondering for awhile whether my lack of memory prior to fifth grade had to do with some sexual trauma, or any trauma for that matter. I had even asked my parents at some point in my 20s whether they were aware of anything. My college roommate, who was studying to be a social worker, had suggested I go to therapy and get hypnosis performed. I was torn between temptation of knowing and fear of knowing all at the same time.

A combination of Virgo/Mars in retrograde traits (face of the girl (part 1)), romantic notions of the "one" and sexual repression ingrained in me from childhood had me overanalyzing all potential mates before the first date, which then would not occur once it was determined he was not husband material. Coupled with the Asian flush, I was lucky to never really get into a pickle that would put me in a potential awkward situation. Needless to say, I was a late bloomer even by traditional standards. I definitely talked the talk but didn't walk the walk.

After 9/11 though and feeling as if I escaped destiny (or realizing that it was my destiny), I also concluded that I did NOT want to die a virgin (cougartown). With my Mars in Aquarius though, it explains why it became so transactional to me despite my romantic notions. A friend though had the foresight to reject my offer, and protect himself as I was callous and not sensitive to his situation, regardless of intentions.

Although not the most ideal situation by the standards of many, he was with me through a number of firsts. The first time was comical, especially after a build up in my mind but I could not have asked for a better situation the second time. When most regret their first time, I remember mine with fondness. It was also with relief to see the sea of red on the white, ensuring at least that perhaps my memory lapse wasn't due to sexual trauma.

All good things, or at least most, must come to an end, and while his narcissistic tendencies (genetic from his father) eventually could not be contained, he has always taken the time to wish me happy birthday, regardless of whether we were in contact or not. He is the only one in my life who has never forgotten, and for that, I'm grateful. It also occurred to me, when talking to a friend in January, that now that he's in a leadership role (stone skipping (part 4)), he's continued to look out for me, even when I was trying to get a package and asked him not to waste any political capital on me. That is my karma. 😐

The body has a way of protecting itself, whether signs of stress or memory lapses. I had resigned myself a while back to let go of those memories from my childhood. I have memories of the great parts of that period (moments that matter (part 1)), and that is all that matters. While I was a late bloomer, I am blessed to have discovered that part of me, as a confident and more liberated woman, and with a man, who despite his 6'3" frame, never made me feel small. I am having a great time making up for 'lost time' now.

He has commented in the past of his disappointment that I don't seem to always remember his birthday so with that, happy birthday BT!!

surprising inspiration

When I first took the Myers Briggs assessment  over 10 years ago (what's your sign?), I realized that what I considered struggles were primarily a byproduct of me being different than the crowd I rumbled in at the time (taxing time). While they say that your personality type wouldn't significantly change over your lifetime, as it represents the core you, it does get influenced at the time you are completing the assessment and how you may respond to the questions based on current activities and/or stresses.

My first results indicated that I was in the middle of I, erred on the side of N, borderline T and F and closer to the middle of P. In the last few years of my journey of me and letting go of any templates defined by others, whether professional or personal, I decided to redo the assessment with the women who was going through the women's development program I was sponsoring. I seem to have migrated to borderline I and E, extreme N, borderline T and F and extreme P. The extreme N and P may explain the bold move to #changetheratio (emptying my coffers).

My metamorphosis seems to have not gone unnoticed, as some of the messages I received over the holiday.

Happy Thanksgiving ... Thank you for always being your original self and pushing all around you to achieve that!

For some reason, he has entered my thoughts over the weekend in Cancun. Perhaps the beach reminds me of bubble of bliss or perhaps it was a year ago to this day that we reconnected (moments that matter (part 2)). Either way, I am allowing myself to sit in it to see if there was some residual unpacking that I needed to address. 

The following came into my newsfeed, and they are as random as horoscopes that are more entertaining than spiritual. 

INTP: Someone will fit all your criteria.

You know what you want, and you’re very sure of it. To you, love is a rational decision as much as it is a feeling. You’ll fall in love when someone checks all your boxes, seems to effortlessly meet your needs, and fits easily into your life. You’re not quick to fall, and that’s because you know what love means to you; only when you meet that person you’ve envisioned will you allow yourself to go all in.

It resonated in a way because a thought I had on the plane back from Cancun was that I was happy not being with the person whom I last saw him as (the truth shall set you free). However, that doesn't diminish the contributions and inspiration he has made in my life (11:11 (part 5)), and for that, I am truly thankful. 

ENTP:  Someone will surprise you.

You do want to fall in love, but your excitement about each prospect never lasts; you are never sure whether you’re jumping into a relationship because the person is new and intriguing or because of actual long-term potential. Eventually, though, someone will match your expansive nature with a ton of depth, forcing you to see the world in new ways all the time. You’ll be shocked to find you’re never bored with this person, and suddenly the feelings will hit like a ton of bricks.

I have always loved surprises so while INTP is practical for an independent woman, the little girl is looking for the magic of a partner to explore the world and learn from. Unconditional love is about partners who demonstrate our autonomy rather than compensate for not having it.

full circle (part 8)

As noted in beach angel, I have been a latch key kid since I was a toddler in Vietnam. It teaches one to be responsible at a very young age, and in my case, unusually young, coupled with having to also look out for my younger brother (less than a year younger - full circle (part 6)). It is a lot to put on a child who is just sprouting her own wings.

In many ways, it was a lonely endeavor, and took away a lot of the innocence and frivolity of childhood. Sometimes, I think this is why the child-like behaviors come out in me as an adult, trying to capture viewing the world through the eyes of a child. I still believe in miracles...I love surprises in every day life. I also still have remnants of that child who always asks 'why?'.

In trying to face the fear of 'unwantedness', I wonder if one of the two memories I have pre-fifth grade (moments that matter (part 1)) somehow contribute to my 'madness'. Soon after my sister was born (I had to be pre-kindergarten age, as my sister was still a baby so my mother would take her to Noah's Ark, the daycare center that my mother worked at the time), I was picked up by a police officer who had noticed me wandering the streets alone. It was a very small town so my uttering of Noah's Ark was enough for him to take me to my mother. 

Luckily, it was a different time so my mother got off with a warning rather than having social services take away her children. Needless to say, I did not get off lightly for having left my younger brother at home alone. I do not know what caused me to wander, but I am sure it was a cry for help.

* * * * *

Being immigrants, my parents had to work very hard at low paying jobs. My mother's certification as a teacher was not sufficient in America and she ended up having to go back to school. As a military brat, my father was limited to utilizing his mechanical skills. My mother's night school meant that much of my child rearing days were with my father.

However, because of some extra-curricular activities, I was not able to take the bus home one day. In the days before cell phones, my father forgot to pick me up from school, and everyone, including the janitors had left. It was nightfall by the time my father remembered, most likely because he had gone home after working overtime to make extra cash, and realized I was not there. I stared at the empty parking lot for hours, sitting on the sidewalk, unsure what to do and where to go.

* * * * *

Perhaps these events contribute to my childhood demons of abandonment. David Bowie spent much of his life facing his fears of insanity, as it afflicted many of his family members. He created different personas and music in hopes of eluding his fears. In addressing this theme in his music, he inherently faced it head on. He used his personas to share the pain, as witnessed in Rock 'n' Roll Suicide, where Bowie consoles Ziggy, and David Jones (his birth name) consoles Bowie..."I'll take my share / I'll help you with the pain".

After decades of drug abuse, sex addiction and many personas, he eventually emerged emotionally healthier. While I like to believe I am authentic me, the reality is that over the years, I have masked my inner pains and heartaches by pushing the little girl aside. While some friends know bits of pieces of these stories, I joke about them and brush them off as no big deal, but those moments shaped me in some form or fashion. Inherently, I have created personas with the relatively politically correct, conservative executive; talk a good game virgin (aka Bambi); curiosity killed the cat busy body; brash independent bitch; multi-orgasmic slut (aka Minx); lost, lonely little girl; analysis paraplegic; and many other iterations.

In this year of ME, I am reminding myself of their origins and better understanding their different needs and attributes. It also explains why in certain situations, part of my life, like work, has been roots of unhappiness for years, as my persona there, while immensely successful, is not who I choose or want to be (see stone skipping (part 4)). I communicated to him last December that I was no longer that 13-year old girl, but the reality is...I am. Her childhood adversity and her achievements derived from such adversity is part of me. I can no longer push her away and deny her.

My self is determined by choosing who I am and who I will become. I am upping my ziggy to choose the parts of those personas that is the authentic me, one who is not afraid of being alone, and can find happiness within her own skin and/or in the simple things of every day life.