into-me-see

While I usually volunteer at a food bank or soup kitchen during Thanksgiving holidays, I decided to head into the Children's Hospital, thinking I could either relieve parents who chose to be with their child(ren) or gift some babies with love, touch and healing energies. During my 40-minute drive, it was cloudy yet with the fall foliage, it is quite a lovely, meditative experience. I found myself contemplating how much has transpired and my transformation within the last two years, as laying on of hands guided me down this juncture. 

only our hearts understand ... led me down a path to re-watch my QHHT. My interpretation of it is drastically different than it was five years ago (leap of faith). My higher self did note that I was coming into resources and tools that would have guided me along my journey. He says he loves my voice, and as I watched it again, I realized that my voice has subtly changed over the years, and sounded a bit more like my higher self. Reflecting on my life and the home and community I'm curating, I voiced out loud that I am grateful for being alive. It is the first time in my life that I have felt this. With my QHHT reminding me and recent connections, I now understand why I was spared (11:11 (part 13)).

When I left the hospital, it was pouring but by the time I headed to my first Thanksgiving feast with friends, we were gifted with a beautiful crisp fall day and lovely sunset. Perhaps a portal had been open from a combination of the gratitude for life, baby cuddles and from a message from an ex who had visited mutual friends last week:

"I'm glad we got to talking last week, I was surprised by how I felt during our hug and glad I feel connected to you again. I hope you have a fun Thanksgiving and I'm looking forward to seeing you again."

I had all the pieces given to me over the years, either through learnings, or from exes reaching out many months/years later to tell me 'their truths' (the truth shall set you free, supernova, standing taller, and when it rains, it pours). Yet I never sat down to look at the pieces and realize that there was a puzzle that was begging to be solved.

As humans, we all crave connection, yet the fear of being vulnerable limits how deep that could go. Many believe they are connecting by sharing the lovable parts about them. True connection is when we trust the other with the vulnerable parts that we fear will be judged and even deeper the connection, when we can shine a light on the darkness that we are afraid to see ourselves. Perhaps from all the judgments I experienced my entire life, I have learned that judgments come from projections of ourselves that we don't want to see and until we walk in someone else's shoes, we can not truly understand whether we would be any different. Whether it resulted in ghosting, distancing/coldness, or masking it with superfluous and/or inane issues that were deflection tactics to make it appear to be about 'my imperfections', those relationships ended because the other was afraid of the intimacy and vulnerability that they felt comfortable 'falling into'. 

Esther Perel says that "when people cheat, they are looking for the lost parts of themselves." I personally think our purpose in life is to discover our authentic selves, of which many relationships, both polyamorous and monogamous, allow people to stay in the confines of 'comfort' rather than having the courage to explore the parts of themselves they avoid. Connections with others provide us the mirror that we cannot see the parts of ourselves.

"Care, when misunderstood, becomes conflated with expectation. A woman's love, her deep care and concern, may feel to him like a subtle pressure to evolve, to rise, to become. He does not yet realize that her care is not a demand but an offering of a gift freely given without strings attached.

For only when we realize that we are already whole can we meet another, not as a savior or a crutch, but as a fellow traveler on this great and mysterious journey.

What he may not realize is that he is not running from the woman or her care, he is running from the vulnerability that true connection demands. In this chase for freedom, a man may pursue other paths, careers, adventures or fleeting relationships, seeking to preserve his sense of autonomy, but these pursuits often fail to provide the liberation that he seeks. For freedom, in its truest sense, is not about escaping bonds but about choosing them willingly. It is about recognizing that connection does not diminish autonomy but enriches it."

~ Alan Watts

As I was watching the sunset, surrounded by the love of friends, I reflected on the numerous couples that I have encountered of late. Cheating or not, they all seem to struggle from showing up as their authentic selves, based on combinations of fear, conditions, judgments, and lack of curiosity. On my drive to my second Thanksgiving feast, like the dream that shifted my perspective on being 'hidden' (hide 'n seek), it donned on me that I told myself the story that I was 'unwanted' to comply with the familiarity of childhood. But what was 'unwanted' was the mirror that they were not ready to see that would require them to trust another human to love them unconditionally.

only our hearts understand ...

 "The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along."

~ rumi, Poem 1246 

When I started my sexploration in 2016 (ftale), there was much of a 'rebel without a cause' attitude, leading me to a friend stepping in to put a pause to my self-destruction (moments that matter (part 2)). While my journey became much more intentional, it repeated themes that I couldn't seem to shake until resfeber where there was a learning that rather than looking to another for a love that 'completed' me, it had to start with loving my self, a knowing that I was starting the last leg of a very long, yet rewarding, journey filled with experiences and campfire stories that many have never dared to venture.

While I was sure shoshin was a close of one door to make room for an opening of another, it just gave an opportunity for us to breathe and appreciate a magic that was unfolding. It was quite a crazy idea to bring in our mutual BFF, considering it was a recent BFF for him and one that I never entertain with a 'stranger'. While it wasn't as smooth as planned, at least for me, and as they say on the Playa, 'you get the Burn you need, not the one you want'. 

The surprises, while much touching upon my love language, had me practicing my ability to 'receive' with grace (blossoming). For the first time, my BFF left me with some memory gaps, somewhat akin to safe haven, but with some hints in my heart of what transpired but without an actual memory, perhaps my way of letting me process things in due time. When I set the intention of 'learning unconditional love', I hadn't dreamt that it would be the day after, surprising both of us. In the end, it was highlighting my fear that I wouldn't have the strength to not be overtaken by the waves of the recurring themes I have so long fought to not be drowned by. But with strength comes the courage to walk through that door without conditions.

In our last moments, I felt a shift and was so consumed by the beauty I saw that I couldn't take my eyes away. We have both felt that there was not just a strong chemistry and connection but more a comfort, safety and knowing of each other for many years, despite still being relative strangers. But when I opened one of his gifts and came upon Rumi's poem, I finally understood. 

Eye contact has been quite the challenge for me since childhood (complementing compliments), despite my knowing that they are the 'windows to the soul'. From a spiritual perspective, I also knew that people we encounter in our lives provide mirrors to us (rippling reflections) to learn from. In the end, perhaps my struggle had to do with the shame of my self that I saw in their eyes. Yet, as we sat there at lunch, the beauty I saw in his blue eyes, is a reflection of ME. 

* * * * *

Update February 1, 2025:

It was meant to be an experiment with touch, yet as I was setting intention(s), it seemed natural to continue the theme of unconditional love and embracing what would come up, hoping that maybe memories would rush back. Never having hung out with my BFF alone, I wasn't sure how it would feel without the energy of another connected with her. The massage felt amazing, numbing any pain receptors. While my skin was tingling to the rhythm and resonance of his playlist, the experience was limited to the experiment itself.

With the end of the massage, the timing should have been the afterglow on the date with my BFF and on my drive, I was convinced that she had left my system. Usually onset hits me at 45 minutes to an hour. My BFF decided to change her modus operandi by dropping in 4 hours later. In the darkness and warmth of the bed we shared with the playlist reverberating the walls, the memories came back like a freight train .. not through my mind, but through my body. The body kept 'score'. The cells were like instruments in an orchestra, perfectly harmonious and synchronistic. They knew each individual song and the movements of that night. Slow and deep, fast and serpentine ... the peak, lasting about two hours, commemorated the moment with wetness, much akin to the time before.

In the afterglow of the following week, it dawned on me that my BFF helped me release much of the doubts and fears that while my mind had processed over the holidays, my body had held onto from decades of muscle memory. My heart felt free, and the periodic ache in my belly, representing the negative emotions from solar plexus, seemed to have been silenced.

"Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure."

~ The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)

twist of fate

Since the start of this journey (and blog, boot scoot'n & takin' flight...), it had been the genesis and namesake, first inspired by a quote by Plato (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)) during some of my darkest days, and later reinforced during my spiritual explorations. He was an honorable mention in the first post (boot scoot'n & takin' flight...) and guest of honor in the last (unsent letters (part 3)), and while it didn't initially occur to me when my friends talked me into moving here, the thought didn't escape me as I was packing that I was heading where he began (unsent letters (part 3)).

It was our first road trip as a family and as we were driving into my neighborhood at 4am, the convenience store around the corner felt like a beacon to a new adventure and with tired eyes and body, it was a step closer to a much needed sleep, after a stressful two months of packing, traveling and caring for an ailing pup. While the move has had its challenges, allowing things to just flow has opened up doors that I had not imagined nor expected.

I'm grateful for the time that my dad was here to help me with the transition and making my new place feel like 'home', knowing that I will always treasure these memories alone with him. It has been sweet to see my boy running around in his newfound backyard, exploring all the new scents of the greenway and healing in the new environment. I had chosen him for his independence but I had become wistful as the months went by where he would barely let me hold him before he wiggled out to explore. Waking up to the birds, trees and sunlight peaking through has felt like Mother Nature's version of therapy, but nothing compares to the moment when he truly snuggled with his mum for the first time. Feeling his heart beat as he dreamt in my arms, I knew that the months of wistfulness was needed for me to truly appreciate the specialness of this moment of touch. The polarity (triggering) . . . the contrast.

In one of the last boxes to unpack, I had forgotten about a lightbox I was gifted in a Buy Nothing group before I had left. While it didn't have the requisite number of letters, I soon realized that my lucky number could double for the missing letter, if upside down. Being the house at the end of the cul-de-sac, it seems as if many come this far to turn around and/or use my path to traverse to the greenway behind my house. I had thought about expanding my fence to the property line, but wanting the home to be welcoming and a place to share, I decided that making the path more welcoming, with a Free Library stand, is in the spirit of love and knowledge. With the lightbox in the window, it is a reminder for all to heed Joseph Campbell's wise words ... follow your bliss!

My neighbor and I have a running inside joke, as I had removed some trees to install solar as well as to protect the home. He had shared that he recently moved from Colorado over a year ago, where it was sunny, hot and a lot of boulders and hard surfaces. He came here hoping for the opposite, looking for a house with a lot of trees and immersing himself in the woods. In the last year, he found himself constantly opening curtains and turning on lights as his place was too shaded. With the contrast, he expressed his fresh admiration that he now acknowledges that what he needed was the balance. So his parting words, with a smile, have been, "thank you for bringing sunshine into my life".

Now having driven by that convenience store for a month now, I haven't had to stop, no longer owning an ICE vehicle. I have seen it on Google Maps plenty of times, and it is labeled 76, for the gas station. As I was stopped at the red, in what should have surprised me but somehow made me smile instead at the 'knowing', lo and behold, emblazoned for all to see ... 

While this seems like a fitting end to the blog, I know it is only the beginning of the end, and wherever it takes me, I am learning to just 'allow' and go with the flow, appreciating the contrasts and enjoying the unfolding along the way. So much beauty to be seen, and as the rest of Campbell's advice goes ...

"'Follow your bliss!' Find where it is, and don't be afraid to follow it.

To find your own way is to follow your own bliss. This involves analysis, watching yourself and seeing where the real deep bliss is -- not the quick little excitement, but the real deep, life-filling bliss."

~ Joseph Campbell (Joseph Campbell Foundation)

We don't 'will' our bliss ... we 'discover' it.

unsent letters (part 3)

Dear Craig -

I have known this letter needed to be written for a long time, perhaps since laying on of hands. It's been quite a while since I knew we were on very different vibrational planes (weightless, the truth shall set you free, and walking tree ... new or old roots) but truth be told, I had hope that like James and Helen of Sliding Doors (22), our paths would converge regardless of the choices we had made over the years.

A recent encounter (synchronicity (part 3)) had me, very unexpectedly, believe in the magic that you first had shown me was possible (11:11 (part 6)), choosing to believe that my grandmother's spirit had a hand in it (in loving memory). The empath from 22 helped me be compassionate with myself, understanding that there is divine timing in unions, which led me down the path of twin flames, guiding me to focus more on working on my self and my healing journey.

As I no longer believe in coincidences (11:11 (part 1)), I do find it ironic that I will soon be making your childhood home, my home, and just as ironic, where my oocyte cryopreservation resides (resfeber). I thank you for fulfilling a soul contract with me. I will never quite know who I was to you nor the impact I may or may not have had in your life, but while the words were never exchanged, you were pivotal in me learning about the depths of love ... loving another soul unconditionally and loving my self. Rarely hearing those words as a child, if at all, it is my wish not to hold back from it with anyone with shoshin as a testament. I do not know if you have ever received the random key in an otherwise empty envelope, but it is to the lock 'tlc' on a small bridge in Machu Picchu (bubble of bliss).

While it has only been about a handful of times over the last 20 years, I am very thankful for the first in Bangkok where I learned that I could be comfortable with touch and a weekend that seemed to fly in Koh Samui (face of a girl (part 3) and bubble of bliss) where I was able to truly discover my body under your kind ministrations. What I had thought could only be achieved with connection with you, I have learned during my sexploration that it was connection with my self. You represented someone I could trust, relax and feel confident in myself with until I was able to learn that for my self.

You somehow always magically showed up when I needed to be grounded and to believe in magic again. For that, I am truly grateful. 

I see so many attributes of you in synchronicity (part 3), and unlike what happened with you, I am learning not to attach that to an individual but to believe that the universe has imagined it even better than I have. I know we have shared many lifetimes together and will share many more to come. Hopefully, I have been or will have been the catalyst in your journey(s) like you have been for me in this life.

You appeal to me in countless ways and I'm going to draw the essence of you to me and thank you for being here for me to observe, for me to sniff out vibrationally, for me to think about and dream about and visualize around. Thank you for being a focal point that I will use to align my energy and then I trust that Law of Attraction will bring me an exact replica of which I believe you are.

While the empath helped guide me to follow the path of self healing, I'm learning that there isn't really a 'right person at the wrong time', not in the literal sense, as we're constantly evolving, hopefully, and who you or I are today are vastly different than who we were when we first met in Seville.

I saw this on Instagram today (after starting this letter, reinforcing that this is the right time for me to write it):

"Right person, wrong time. Here's the secret to the 'right person, wrong time' paradigm. Let us make no mistake that the universe makes no mistakes. The universe literally sent us that individual as a gift. The universe manifested and materialized an individual, in true human form, that matched and resonated with our heart's goal at the particular point in time and space that it was meant to take place. And the truth that is revealed ... that was exactly the lesson that we needed at that particular time in our lives. So the secret to the 'right person, the right time' is that when we really want the true love that we genuinely want in our lives to manifest, the truth is, once we've healed, true love will be revealed. Cheers!"

~ @coach__adam 

You were always the right person at the right time. You have been an amazing, inspiring, kind and gentle gift. You are the primary person with whom I have not shared blog posts that I have made reference to. Maybe one day ... when the time is right. I hope that if I so pass first, that someone in my circle will chance upon this and share it with you.

I wish you all the happiness and love. I love you!

💖

Sources: boot scoot'n & takin' flight, me love you long time (part 3), in loving memory, werd up!, anisoptera papilionoidea, beach angel, the road less traveled, cougartown, ftale, ignorance is bliss, moments that matter (part 2), 11:11 (part 1), 22, walking tree ... new or old roots?, moments that matter (part 3), 11:11 (part 2), full circle (part 1), 11:11 (part 3), trifecta, 11:11 (part 4), stone skipping (part 3), the girl with the dragon tattoo, 11:11 (part 5), full circle (part 2), face of the girl (part 1), 11:11 (part 6), face of the girl (part 3), hide n' seek, full circle (part 5), bubble of bliss, chain smoking, full circle (part 8), surprising inspiration, 11:11 (part 9), naming names, modern love, blossoming, weightless, in the NOW, saudade (part 6), synchronicity (part 2), and self-love.

shoshin

After her death (heart beats), her parents had gifted me her stash, mostly consisting of spacer beads, tassels and cord/thread. I had planned on making her parents malas for their ceremony the following spring to spread her ashes with her grandparents, but despite initially watching a number of YouTube videos to learn the art of making malas and purchasing beads with their favorite colors, I couldn't get inspired and so the deliveries remained in their unpacked boxes, much like the lingerie purchases from Agent Provocateur (synchronicity (part 3)). 

Although I had enjoyed tapping into my creativity in designing the malas, it was a part of a process to closing a chapter (resfeber), with not a lot of thought into the gemstones other than the favorite colors of the recipient(s). As I started learning the various meanings behind the number 108, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole that inspired me to truly channel my creativity ... and love.

Source: www.gaia.com

While some argue that malas have been appropriated in Western culture as chic fashion statements, many who use it in spiritual practice welcome the inclusivity, encouraging others to establish an intent or motivation, even if it is the joy that the mala brings to the wearer. My research led me to more natural elements, which are usually seen in malas used by monks, and/or gemstones sourced in parts of Asia.

The momentum of synchronicity (part 3) made it easy to stay in joy as careful thought was put into the types of materials and their sourcing, and the related meaning and intent of each. Similar to synchronicity (part 2), I felt the energy shift, and although it was accompanied with an excuse, I am continuing to practice being aligned with my self (stone skipping (part 13)). Rather than dwell on it, I knew there was a part of the story that I did not have clarity on that was not a reflection of me (a remnant of supernova and  synchronicity (part 2), right down to the ghosting) and how I was showing up, and promised to complete my labor of love, only sitting before it when I was filled with positive energy and love.

Knowing that the excuse did not tell the whole story, one of my last communications was 'follow your bliss', feeling what the polyamorists call 'compersion' (spiritual masters) and what the Dutch call 'gunnen'. Recruiting a friend in London to confirm a work address led to a few dead ends. While he was having fun chasing down a 'ghost' for my 'surprise' adventure, I was starting to feel uneasy letting him and his assistant continue their detective work, not wanting to uncover anything that should be told to me by the source himself.

I made the choice to ruin my own surprise, and the initial terse response confirmed the messages that my Higher Self had shown me through Archangel Guidance. After meditating, I knew I needed to complete the passion project as I sat in front of it. After two separate stints of explaining the 'dead ends' with the air of a caged animal, I realized that none of it mattered as it didn't explain what my heart was looking for ... the energy shift. 

"17. Defenses are the plans you undertake to make against the truth. Their aim is to select what you approve, and disregard what you consider incompatible with your beliefs of reality. Yet what remains is meaningless indeed. For it is your reality that is the 'threat' which your defenses would attack, obscure, and take apart and crucify."

 ~ ACIM - Lesson 135 

"2. ... You make what you defend against, and by your own defense against it is it real and inescapable...

3. It seems to be the enemy without that you attack. Yet your defense sets up an enemy within; an alien thought at war with you, depriving you of peace, splitting your mind into two camps which seem wholly irreconcilable. For love now has an 'enemy,' an opposite; and fear, the alien, now needs your defense against the threat of what you really are."

~ ACIM - Lesson 170

I was slightly surprised that my reaction was to ruin my own surprise over uncovering truths, given my penchant to find answers, especially when one's behavior does not align with my past interactions with them. Perhaps it was my maturity and/or my growth from past experiences (full circle (part 1), calming the mind and synchronicity (part 2)) that I know that patience tends to provide the answers that I (or they) need to heal (moments that matter (part 2), the truth shall set you free, standing taller, and synchronicity (part 2)), and obsessively searching for answers only added negative vibrations to attracting more of those experiences for me.

I know that there are many parts of what I saw that I love (synchronicity (part 3)), including his stories of how he tries to treat others with kindness (blossoming), yet the reflection that was mirrored back made me realize that I still had work to do if I was still attracting unkindness to myself. I had compassion for myself and allowed me a moment to feel the sadness and frustration at the reflection, recognizing that this may also be a delayed vibration, giving me an opportunity to react differently (saudade (part 4)).

It is beautiful in its simplicity. Looking at it warms my heart - my most thoughtful creation and gift to date. With the symbolisms of Tibetan and Buddhist numbers and numerology of the masculine and feminine coupled with the intents and healing auras and aromas of Rudraksha, dark red rosewood, dragon bloodwood red agathis alba, orange sandalwood, Australian sandalwood, thuja sutchuenensis, and rose quartz, cleansed and powered by the light of the Sun and the Pink Full Moon (supported by my spirit animal, dragonfly), infused with the vibrations of 1111 Hz handpan sounds by Malte Marten and chants of Ohm with each knot, and protected by the red sandalwood dragon guru (year of the wood dragon) and Ohm imprinted markers, the mala is a creation of pure love and kindness, embodying my belief in the magic that exists in the partnership created in the mind of a little girl in surprising inspiration. 

Much like in triggering, as I was putting the finishing touches at the mouth of the dragon, my body experienced a knowing - a déja vu, recalling a faint dream that made no sense at the time as the colors and lines vividly completed the vision, resulting in a Duchenne smile emanating from my face, as I gently touched the dragon to bless it with love and kindness.

Knowing my penchant for silliness and surprises, my friend across the pond readily jumped at a Friday mystery. Of course, after I had aborted his plans for the detective work to continue in the following week, his curiosity further stoked by the numerous 'dead ends', I knew I owed him a story as he was at his local pub having a few stiff ones for us.

"That's awesome - send it to him regardless. No regrets! He'd be so lucky! X (kiss)

And hey - the worst thing that happened was that you had a bit of an adventure and you got to say hi to me after all these years! Say hi to the Bergners from me! Such great memories"

And like my knowing that it was the right thing to do to send my friend's octopus mala (heart beats) back to her family for not only her ceremony but for as long as her mother needed to hold onto her daughter's last uncompleted creation, I knew that the dragon mala only had one home.

"1. No one can give what he has not received. To give a thing requires first you have it in your own possession. Here the laws of Heaven and the world agree. But here they also separate. The world believes that to possess a thing, it must be kept. Salvation teaches otherwise. To give is how to recognize you have received. It is the proof that what you have is yours.

2. You understand that you are healed when you give healing. You accept forgiveness as accomplished in yourself when you forgive. You recognize your brother as yourself, and thus do you perceive that you are whole. There is no miracle you cannot give, for all are given you. Receive them now by opening the storehouse of your mind where they are laid, and giving them away."

~ACIM - Lesson 108

* * * * *

Update May 6, 2024:

The last remaining materials arrived from Asia today. As this was for his travels, primarily for business, the intentions and symbolisms behind the hand mala (with thuja sutchuenensis, red agate, Indonesian agathis alba kingwood, tiger eye, Mexican golden rosewood, moonstone, rose quartz and weathered Bodhi seed) were centered around financial success, courage, confidence, mental acuity (including calmness and health, such as improvements in sleep, digestion and jet lag) and protection. The white lotus guru represents growth and power ... pushing up through the muddy waters to emerge beautifully above the surface.

Ironically, a friend is currently visiting Switzerland with his Japanese girlfriend. They have been in a long-distance relationship for over a year, often taking opportunities to meet each other somewhere in between and explore foreign lands. One of his recent stories looked similar to Lakes Brienz and Lungern in CLoY (saudade (part 1)), a reminder of how paths can cross without connection until we're vibrationally matched, a similar theme from Sliding Doors (22), delayed by a missed train (heart beats).

"Sometimes the wrong train takes you to the right station."

~ Indian proverb

Coupled with the déja vu from above, the completion of the hand mala at 11:11 pm were cues that I was at least headed towards the right station. It will feel much lighter when I put this in the post tomorrow.

"By grace I live. By grace I am released.
By grace I give. By grace I will release."

~ ACIM - Lesson 169