pū'iwa

Baby cloud created by lava lake

On a whim, we decided yesterday to head to the Volcano area late afternoon for a change in altitude. My friend had stayed there with his partner for nine months after the California wildfires had burnt their home in Berry Creek a few years ago, and Volcano was a place of healing for them. It is woodsy and cooler like Tahoe or Berry Creek and after a spell, it seemed like we were up in the clouds, much like puffs of cotton and a taste of heaven, which has always been a moment of wonderment to me. The white vapors seemed to be all around us until I noticed a group of people congregating in the distance and expressed concern that the wisps of white were perhaps plumes of smoke instead.

Like a 'kid in a candy store', a giddiness overwhelmed me as I bounced in my seat, when I learned that they were smoke vents from an active volcano. I had previously overheard that there is a place on the Big Island with active lava but had mistakenly thought it was at Mauna Kea. I found myself explaining to my friend how I love surprises, especially in the context of new experiences (YUMmy and full circle (part 8)), although perhaps to a rational adult, my explanation still seemed disproportionate to my level of glee.

Offerings

Flare-up in the evening sky

We navigated to various lookout points around one side of the crater, hoping to see a flare up in the lava lake. A number of places were closed, including the museum and the lava tubes due to structural instability from the last eruption in 2018. By the time we backtracked to the Kilauea Overlook, I was beginning to think that Pele would not bless us with its ember glow as the lake remained as black as the black sand beaches around the island, from the cooled lava. The lake, once full of lava, was slowly inching up since it collapsed in 2018, resulting in lava erupting and oozing out in some of the lower regions. 

A number of residents had recounted their personal experiences from the last devastation to me since I arrived. Similar to 9/11, some had to evacuate their homes for almost a year, with some temporarily relocating to other islands or the mainland. As the lava lake had increased by ten feet over the last three months, local residents came to pay tribute with offerings to Pele, in attempts to keep her temper at bay. It was with humbleness in my appreciation of the beauty of the vibrant red dance that Pele bestowed upon us later that evening, with the setting sun joining her in the dance, reflecting their union in the clouds with such warm hues of orange, red and all shades in between.

As I was reading about the collapsed crater in 2018, something caught my eyes at the top of the panel. The fact that it doesn't appear to have anything to do with the rest of the information caused me to pause a tad bit longer in disbelief. And just like that, the universe articulated it much more succinctly than I could, in the native tongue.

"Amazement; a surprise; a stupefaction on account of wonder"

~ "A Dictionary of the Hawaiian Language" 1865

saudade (part 1)

When he recommended that I watch Crash Landing On You ("CLoY"), a Korean drama, I really had no interest in K-dramas although my nieces are avid fans. I had a perception that they may be like the Vietnamese dramas where people are "nhõng nhēo" (quite childish), especially the female characters, usually with a whiny high-pitched voice. But a Gringo recommending it with a warning to be prepared to cry had me intrigued. After watching the first episode, I realized that I couldn't do my typical multi-tasking when I watch things as it would require focus not only for the subtitles but for the action on screen, especially since the male lead (Ri Jeong Hyeok, played by Hyun Bin) evoke many emotions without words. So it stayed on My List in Netflix for months.

With the Depp trial and TV spring season over as well as a self-enforced summer break from classes, CLoY seemed to beckon me and I ended up binge watching it over a 36-hour period. My first tear probably wasn't where it was for many. Over the next few days I binge watched it again. While the emotions from the first time around were more muted, I could feel shifts in my body and mind, as I had seemed to lose my appetite and often woke up in the middle of the night. In many ways, the series seemed to be my life in a parallel universe, but as he noted, there are so many complexities in the storyline that it is probably why so many connected with it. 

Luckily, I was dog-sitting Bella who gave me comfort and cuddles. The harder I tried to shake the feeling, the more it seemed as if there was something I wasn't quite seeing. I found myself going back to watch various clips, and in one such instance, something stood out that I had clearly missed all the times before...Seo Dan's mother was gifting the ladies of the North Korean Village Se-ri's Choice limited edition products that had their likeness illustrated on the boxes. For the English subtitles, the series was called Saudade.

Perhaps the other times, it just seemed like a name but when I decided to look it up to see if there was a meaning, it was a key to mysterious journey. Saudade does not have a direct translation into English...nostalgia doesn't do it justice, but neither does yearning.

They say that the energy of the Hawaiian Islands have a way of accepting or spitting people out, with each island containing its unique vibe. I've already felt more well rested since stepping onto her soil. Hopefully, Ka Makuahine will be instrumental to connecting me with the part of me that I sorely miss but felt I needed to leave behind (code of silence (#sue, #secretsociety123)).

weightless

It's always been cryptic in how information on his estado civil gets discovered, when it should be something to share and celebrate. The first time was a chance Facebook feed, upon which my access was soon modified by him to such restrictions as there was no point even being connected as 'Facebook friends'. That time left me shocked and full of 'what ifs'.

To my surprise, my reaction this time around was a smile at how childish and ambiguous his communication was, nothing like the man who was once direct and with very little words, we seemed to understand the other. I felt such a weight being lifted, like some burden had dissipated, almost as if I finally remembered to start breathing not realizing I had been holding my breath all these years.

It reminded me of the last time I saw him (the truth shall set you free, walking tree...new or old roots, and surprising inspiration) and how I no longer recognized him for the man I had admired all these years. Had he changed, had I changed or had we both undergone significant transformations, taking us on diverging paths? Or perhaps the lens in which I viewed him was becoming less 'rosy colored' as to what I created from my own imagination? Was it always an illusion stemming from a childhood dream?

Before turning down the bed, I felt compelled to let the Raven speak to me...ironic as it may be (bubble of bliss).

 

The crow lands atop a large pentacle once concealed by clouds. This spot provides a clear view of all the riches available to her. Because her desires are no longer blocked, the bounty this world has to offer from material wealth to spiritual knowledge is all within her grasp. The Ace of Pentacles represents a time of clarity and the ability to manifest your desires. Stay focused, the Law of Attraction is working. Keep a fixed sight on what it is you want to achieve.

~ Crow Tarot, created by MJ Cullinane 

While I am grateful for the role he has played in my life over the last two decades and all the synchronicities with him, guiding me in my journey, I am at a loss for words in how it feels to finally breathe in the crisp air piercing chambers of my lungs that feel as if they had been lined with cobwebs. The timing is apropos to leaving the door to shut behind me and ushering me through the suadade (part 1) series.

11:11 (part 12)

 

surrendering to the unknown

I stand at the edge of a vast ocean, it ripples gently today as if swaying to an under-water breeze. The sea is clear and I can see its floor from where I stand which gradually disappears as the water deepens.

Is this great sea love? A poem without words about the huge, uninterrupted love of The Beloved? If so, I am a tiny ameba held within its vastness, small and yet not insignificant. The ocean knows me, of this I am sure.

I walk in tentatively as I acclimatise to the feel of cold water upon my skin. The water rises with each step until I am at the precipice of decision. I can return and walk back to shore or allow my feet to become ungrounded. In this moment, I am aware that this decision could take me into places of unknowing, places that will continually invite me to trust, to be with what I don't understand and yield to mystery. I lift my feet, I have chosen, I have given myself to this vast ocean of love and there is no turning back.

Imperceptibly at first I notice a current beneath. I feel gentle movement around my legs. My head is still above water and I notice that I am carried, that I am pulled outwards - towards the depths and away from the land. My heart notices too as it's [sic] beats get stronger and more palpable. I notice places of fear within, of a desire to be in control, to get back to where I can stand. I try to return but the current is strong. Slowly I adapt to its pull and allow myself to go with what is, to surrender and let the water take me.

I have a sense of what's coming next but that it won't happen without my permission. The invitation doesn't come with the clarity of words and yet I know it exists. Can I say yes? Can I say yes and yield to the complete unknown? Can I trust the water to look after me? I don't know how much time passes but eventually a quiet yes forms within my being. I'm not even sure how it gets there but it's present none-the-less.

At the same time that I become aware of the yes, I catch a glimpse of the distant land one more time before I am gently engulfed by the ocean. I am under it now, fully enveloped. I panic again, I can't breathe, I want to see the land and its familiar landmarks, I want the ground beneath me, I want what I want. I struggle to get back to the surface whilst simultaneously falling down, down, down. I realise that I can choose to return to the top of the water but I also know that in letting go something MORE is on offer, something I can't name, something deep, more true and real than I've yet encountered. I notice peace has come as a gift and it enables me to let go and let be what is. I'm given the gift to surrender once again.

I gradually, though not knowing how, stop thrashing and kicking and become still. Although I'm full of fear, I open my mouth and take a breath inwards. Instead of my lungs filling with water, I breathe in what I can only name as oxygen. I am accustomed to breathing under water.

I'm now able to be more present to where I am and what it feels like to be here. I'm suspended in liquid, a kind of water in which I move slowly as if in dance. I'm still falling but the descent is slow. The water seems to join me in my movement, it seems to know me and respond to my very heartbeat. My mind doesn't make sense of this and yet somewhere deeper within me knows that I'm perfectly held and safe. I notice that I'm naked and yet I don't feel exposed, my nakedness reminds me that I'm completely seen with no part of me hidden, even the parts I may normally want to hide. In this seeing I feel no shame, I know only that I'm celebrated, loved and held in a compassionate gaze.

As I slowly fall, the light becomes dimmer. Darkness is the companion here. I begin to loose [sic] a sense of what is up and down, my only awareness of this comes from the gentle falling. At first I'm not sure I like this growing darkness, I don't know what is within it, my eyes become unnecessary. In not seeing I'm less able to control, mark my path or observe my descent. The only choices are to try and fight the darkness by attempting to swim upwards or to give in once more to what is and trust that I continue to be held. At first I don't like the not-seeing the lack of control but as surrender comes I become accustomed to the ever-growing darkness and relax into it. I notice that the dark becomes a friend, a comfort and a place of not-knowing. The not-knowing invites me to become a friend of mystery and to trust ever more in the vastness of this ocean of love that touches every part of my body and soul.

The further I fall and the more the darkness deepens, I notice that I'm not alone, my eyes once more offered the gift of seeing. Strange and beautiful creatures come my way, throbbing with light, energy and indescribable colours. These creatures of the deep offer me hope, comfort and incredible beauty. They stir me to want to keep going downwards, to keep discovering the gifts of the deep. I notice too that I'm able to see more clearly but in a new way. I discover a knowing within me that can trust, that does feel utterly safe even in this unknown, unfamiliar place. A knowing that exists next to the unknowing and is at peace in doing so. I am confident of love, in the vast kindness of this place and that slowly becomes enough. I lessen my need to control, to plan, to know how this whole thing is going to work out. My home is love and love will carry me wherever I need to go.

I don't know if this darkness will end or whether I will always be descending to deeper depths. I don't know whether I even need or want the bright lights that once illumined my path. There is a safe hiddenness here, there is hope even in not seeing. Darkness has become a friend that offers great treasure. Love sustains me and love will remain with me. I surrender once again to the ocean, to continue to fall like a pebble into the mystery of great unknowing.

~ Nicky Temple, Meditation 

* * * * * 

He had me doubting my experience and subsequent learnings, with faint yet detectable laughter at my reflections. I extended myself and exposed my vulnerability, believing that there would be a friendly and nurturing embrace on the other side of that risk, only to be ghosted into a slow fade.

Perhaps the 'authentic connection' was anything but, yet chancing upon, or being guided to, this meditation today, I am reminded, along with my new scar/tattoo, that I am choosing to surrender into the depths of the mystery and unknowing, reconnecting with an old manifestation of unconditional love, and breaking the pattern of surrounding myself with those who have me questioning my "Jonathan Livingston Seagull," not valuing my courage in my vulnerability and my inner child, and making me feel less than.

* * * * *

Update ~ midnight:

A moment of synchronicity tonight had a random message from a ex asking me if I remembered our first date...only to end with "Just wanted to say, I was thinking of you". And just like that, the universe provides and I allowed myself to lean into the nurturing I had denied before, much like hide 'n seek.