full circle (part 1)

I believe I have figured out the purpose of our last reunion starting in September 2014. Prior to that, I was able to convince myself that any connection and chemistry I felt was all on my side, and thus in my head. When we were at Bourbon and Branch, it was the first time that either and both of us acknowledged that there was something very natural about our awkward situation. Understanding that it may be more mutual than not apparently brought down some protective walls for me. I had always thought I was open rather than guarded in any relationship (although a stranger did allude to such in ftale), and perhaps the male spirit (22) protecting me had me believing as such. But when it seemed as if it was finally coming together, I became more vulnerable than I have ever been before.

So after a beautiful and magical time in Koh Samui when there were some odd synchronicities/signs (bubble of bliss), my fears came rushing back when he went off the grid, as it seemed as if we were going backwards again. I got impatient and questioned divinity all over again, convinced that spirits were laughing at my expense. I overanalyzed to the extremes, reminiscent of when I was in my 20s, which after our first meeting, I had vowed to carpe diem (cougartown). Then in my self destructive stage when I threw caution to the wind and pushed my boundaries of vulnerability, the lost 13 year-old came back, not once, twice but three times until something intervened (22 and moments that matter (part 2)). She's never really shown up in prior relationships so it seemed so unusual for her to rear her ugly head in such fleeting relationships.

I believe that in this year of letting go and focusing on ME, I am guided towards working on my fear of feeling unwanted. I had avoided that in the past by never putting myself in situations where others made me feel that way, whether family, work, friendships or romantic relationships. Yet, I find myself having no choice but to confront a twin flame/soulmate/whatever-you-want-to-call-it situation where he comes in and out of my life making me feel as if I'm home where I should always be, simply by the sound of his voice, yet feeling as if I'm being pushed away and "unwanted" all in the same breath.

Perhaps in order to move forward, we are meant to go backwards to the very beginning to release the karmic ties that bind us.

11:11 (part 2)

Today is the wolf full moon, which supposedly ignites majestic power, intuition and awareness. It is coupled with a stellium of four planets in Pisces (Venus, Neptune, Mars and Chiron), unlocking a fresh surge of clarity and self-direction. This all happens on the universal day of 5, the number of freedom, change and discovery. Supposedly, it allows one a final opportunity to release any negative habits, fears or energies from the last cycle of 9 years which may be holding one back from confidently moving into the universal year of 1.

So is it with coincidence that on this night as I flew back from Orange County and the plane stopped too soon that it had to get towed to the gate, that the couple of people behind me in seats 14E and 14F were bidding each other adieu after talking about bird watching (something he taught me during my recent trip - walking tree...new or old roots)? Peregrine falcons (falco peregrinus) in Zion National Park, to be exact. 

Peregrinus is Latin meaning "to travel abroad" or "wander". He is life path 7, who is "an odd bird, often seen as a visionary or sage (or crazy elder)" and a bit of a recluse with the "intense desire to travel," not to mention public speaking. Zion is located in Utah, where his mother resides.

Are there coincidences or is this a sign to howl to the moon what is in the heart and to transform on a cold winter night?

moments that matter (part 3)

Lately I have discovered something I am passionate about...helping others (to be better versions of themselves according to them and/or to realize their dreams and find their happiness). It probably was an 'aha' moment from stone skipping (part 2) when I realized how a supportive and safe environment to challenge, fail and learn can build confidence in oneself, and that a little confidence can grow into something much bigger and ultimately, drive us to chase our dreams.

I spent my 20s disappearing for a while to work on my self and embrace my insecurities, much of which was developed from my mother (unanswered prayers and full circle (part 3)) and the racism from a small town in Texas (moments that matter (part 1)). I truly went off the grid from family and many friends. This also included culling toxic and negative friendships. During that time, I also had the blessing of an unexpected mentor at work.

When I recently mentioned this to him as a step towards finding my purpose, he had suggested I think about a mentor in my young life that had a great impact on me. He mentioned his mentor, who may have been socially awkward but challenged people to find their own solutions to problems. I realize that I take a bit of that approach in my guidance of my team. For those who love to learn, they get great satisfaction from this approach, especially when failures are not viewed as completely negative. For those who don't, this strategy is very frustrating for them as they do not like the lack of clear directions and possible failure.

My mentor was known to be a bit quirky back in the day. He was a practicing Catholic and married to a lovely Italian Catholic woman. They had a large brood - six kids. He never drank or curse but definitely had a temper. In my rebellion and trying to stand out in a patriarchal industry, I was the young, rebellious, foul-mouth petite Asian woman. 

I worked on a very small engagement with him. His interaction with me was limited to a few deliverables and days. Yet at the end of the engagement, he offered me an opportunity that more experienced colleagues would have wanted. At first, I thought it was a joke until my manager had giggled and said he thought it was a genuine offer. Clearly, my mentor saw something in me that I did not believe myself.

He also opened up his home to an isolated soul. I could not afford to go home for holidays so he would invite me to experience Italian Catholic family Christmas dinners (Feast of the Seven Fishes or Festa Dei Sette Pesci). Even when we had significant work functions where I may not have had appropriate clothing, he would offer to purchase a nice dress for me as he thought it was important for me to attend. I used to think that he 'dumped' things on me because I was a hard worker but in looking back, those activities were all thoughtful, either for me to get exposure to the work or the people involved for future purposes.

When I gave notice, he was offended that I had not previously communicated my unhappiness to him. He was supportive but assertive in trying to get me to see the bigger picture, ultimately resulting in the firm paying for my MBA. I lost touch with him when I transferred to another function. However, I didn't realize that he kept abreast of my career and had stepped in behind the scenes when he felt necessarily. It only occurred to me over a decade later when a leader had commented that he spoke to my mentor about a potential issue (to err is human, to forgive, divine) to consult with him on how to resolve it. I did not realize that the rest of leadership had known who my mentor was/is. 

He had once expressed to someone that he was disappointed that I had not turned to him more often in times of need. I never like to use people, especially since he had progressed to leadership over the years, and I no longer had any reason to interact with him at work. However, it took me a bit of time to realize that when you're a mentor, helping mentees is a blessing and part of one's legacy. He also viewed me as family, and it would have given him joy to continue to be part of my life.

He retired last year and I flew over five hours to attend his retirement party. His children are all grown up and married with children. His wife has a heart of gold, and when he went through a period of deciding whether to stay until retirement age or to quit given the struggles with firm politics, she commiserated with me and was supportive of his happiness regardless of the financial impacts to the family.

He believed in me when I needed it most. I have thanked him before but no amount of words could truly express my undying gratitude for the ripples he put in my life, personally and professionally. He is one of the reasons I PAY IT FORWARD.

parlez vous français?

Amazon delivered my latest project today - learning español. Clearly I made the wrong choice in languages when I was younger as covered in parisian air, but I was rebellious back then and wanted to be unique. It seemed as if everyone spoke Spanish in Texas, and traveling the world meant Europe in my small mind at the time. French seemed to be the obvious choice.

While there may be no do-overs in life, my philosophy is that it is never too late to either make amends or do something whether new or unfinished. Lela Burden graduated high school at the young age of 111. Studies have shown that rekindled lovers have 76% chance of staying together compared to 40% on average.

I have explored most of Europe and some of Asia, where in many countries, it has been relatively easy to navigate with English. Africa and South America are continents that I have only had the opportunity to visit once each. My goal when coming back to the States four years ago was to target Central and South America for holidays given the proximity, similar to my approach in Asia. However, that would have required me to learn Spanish, as it was clear that not many spoke English when I visited Argentina a few years ago. 

My attempt at Rosetta Stone was an abysmal failure. I started and stopped many times, never really getting the motivation. After further researching these programs, it seems as if it is sometimes difficult for adult brains to learn from immersion only, which is the Rosetta Stone approach. Something I've learned over the years is that my learning style consists of cramming and repetition with visual, auditory, verbal and writing comprehension balance. Rosetta Stone did not teach the grammar so short of learning the specific phrases, I struggled with putting together my own sentence structures. Fluenz seems to have addressed those aspects so I'm hopeful that it would be better suited for me.

My initial reaction was to book a holiday to South America six to nine months from now as incentive to complete this task. Rio de Janeiro during Carnavale has always been on my bucket list. Of course, it took a few seconds to realize that the timing was off, not to mention the language (although I have been told that Portuguese is not difficult to navigate with Spanish as a base). One day I'd like to read 100 Years of Solitude (Cien Años De Soledad) by Gabriel Garcia Marquez in its native tongue. Baby steps...

walking tree ... new or old roots

It has been two years since joining the online dating world. It was 2015 New Year's resolution that was a reaction to exorcising demons from September 2014. I am not sure if doubling numbers and experimenting with alternative lifestyles and personalities have made me any wiser, but I have been able to knock off some bucket list items.

2017 is a new cycle in astrology and represents new beginnings. In my personal journey, it seems a natural time to close many chapters and begin new ones. As a commitment to a friend, I have permanently deleted all my online dating profiles. 

Yesterday during my hike in Central Catchment Nature Reserve in Singapore, mother nature provided me with some food for thought and introspection. The walking tree (socratea exorrhiza) reminded me of a quote that while it has been falsely attributed to Plato, is still poignant:

"People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die."

While botanists may not agree whether the walking tree actually "walks," it does seem to sprout new roots to find sunlight and nourishment while old ones may wilt away. As the new year starts and a new cycle begins, this is my personal year 3 in numerology - a year of creativity, motivation and inspiration. It seems as if the sun, moon and stars are aligned for me to do a bit of housecleaning and make some bold changes. 

I would like to get to my grassroots and core:

• Curiosity and learning
• Project(s) that brings out my passion
• Kindness and acts of service
• Simplification
• Friendships and love

The mushrooms reminded me to strive to live in sunlight and positive energy rather than the darkness within. While I believe that people come in and out of your life for a reason, that does not mean that they have to stay in it, especially if it is cause for sucking your life source. I need to continue to focus on my journey and not get distracted by others' paths, requiring me to leave some old friends and acquaintances behind.

I am not sure where the path will take me - sunshine, shade, straight, meandering, treetop, ground floor, flying through branches or getting out of webs...my primary goal is not only to embrace the obstacles and focus on the positives but also to leave others intact or better off than how they were before.

We all have to make choices, and I feel as if I'm at a cross roads with making a critical one that has haunted me for years. Twin flame or Achille's heel? If the latter, sometimes cutting off the dead branches is the only way to keep the tree alive. If the former, letting go allows the flame to burn until it's ready to reunite with the twin. So why have I struggled in the last two years to keep my flame from dwindling out? Perhaps focusing on the other parts of the self will fan the flames until the twin is ready or perhaps the twin's journey extends beyond this lifetime, equating this to Achille's heel for me?

On my journey to enlightenment and following the path to the canopy to see the forest for the trees, do I start a new path or a parallel one that keeps him in sight while he's walking his? Either way, I'm letting go and trusting divine timing.